Xander Quotes in Enemies Closer (2013)

Xander: [his last lines] Fucking gasoline! I knew it'll ruin everything!

[laughs maniacally as the boat explodes]

Xander: Hey, you people inside, I hate guns! They are very bad for the environment!

Xander: When I was a little boy at my grandmama's place, she had a lovely goose. I named her Edith, as for the French singer Edith Piaf. I truly loved that goose. Everybody thought it was funny! Then one night when we were at dinner, my grandmama said to me, "Edith tastes good, no?" I ran out of that table, I puke up. I cry like a child. Ever since, I became a vegan.

[takes bite from apple]

Xander: I'm telling you, I had to kill her.

Xander: You fucked up, baby. That's no good.

Xander: [examining up a wild berry up close] I wasn't aware you grew in this park.

Xander: [drinking coffee] You know, these beans are fair trade from Columbia. No slash-and-burn agriculture, but...

Xander: [Henry aims a gun at Xander] ... you could care less, I'm sure.

Ryan: Somebody's going to have to knock those guys down to size.

Xander: That should be pretty easy. I mean, they're only eight inches tall.

Xander: What the fuck is that?

Jake: That was repartee.

Xander: That's exactly why I can't have you at the party, because you have repartee with everybody. You love repartee. All you wanna do is flit around the party, flirt with the moms. And then they all get mad and they turn on each other then they yell at Naomi then Naomi yells at me then they wont let their kids play with my kids. Then I have to play with my kid because my kids have no friends. I'm raising friendless children because of you! Do you understand?

Jake: I...

Xander: It is a cascading shit storm that is your creation.

Jake: That is a tremendous amount of Malcolm Gladwellian logic jumps.

Xander: Well you spent ten thousand hours fucking my life up, so bring Lainey to the party.

Xander: My love is conditional!

Xander: You got... you got a cowboy drunk.

Cameron: Mm-hm.

Xander: And that is dangerous. You know why?

Cameron: Why?

Xander: 'cause you gonna end up hogtied.

Xander: He wouldn't hurt a fly - unless it was open.

Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] I got some apple dumplings out here. Come on out.

Xander: I'm kind of busy in here.

Ernie: Phone sex? Better wear a condom. You can never be too safe.

Ernie: [knocking on Xander's door] Xander?

Xander: [to Blaine on the phone] Hang on.

Xander: [calling to Ernie] What's up?

Ernie: Oh, I think we all know the answer to that question.

Xander: Okay, let me rephrase it: What can I help you with?

Ernie: Oh, just tell the hottie, that if he's tired of youth, then experience is just down the hall and past the credenza.

Xander: Mm-hm. Will do.

Xander: We drank, then went on back to his place where I puked and passed out.

Ernie: Oh, God. The good old days.

Xander: [seeing Ernie's tears] Did you miss the fact that this is a horror film and they all got slaughtered by a homicidal maniac?

Ernie: Oh, I don't know. It's just the irony of it, you know? Don't you see that it's the tragic end of youth and beauty that's caused by the ugliness and bitterness of an empty heart. Hey, it's a god-damn masterpiece.

Xander: Well, now that you mention it...

Ernie: Yeah, it's like Sweeney Todd without the music... or Angela.