Willy Wonka Quotes in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

Willy Wonka: Do you like my meadow? Try some of my grass! Please have a blade, please do, it's so delectable and so darn good looking!

Charlie Bucket: You can eat the grass?

Willy Wonka: Of course you can! Everything in this room is eatable, even *I'm* eatable! But that is called "cannibalism," my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Willy Wonka: Everything in this room is eatable, even I'm eatable! But that is called "cannibalism", my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Willy Wonka: [getting his shoes shined by Charlie, his face hidden behind a newspaper] Pity about that chocolate fellow, Wendle, er, Walter...

Charlie Bucket: Willy Wonka.

Willy Wonka: That's the one. Says here in the papers his new candies aren't selling very well. But, I suppose maybe he's just a rotten egg who deserves it.

Charlie Bucket: Yep.

Willy Wonka: Oh really? You ever met him?

Charlie Bucket: I did. I thought he was great at first, but then he didn't turn out so nice. He also has a funny haircut.

Willy Wonka: [coming out from behind the newspaper] I do not!

Charlie Bucket: Why are you here?

Willy Wonka: I don't feel so hot. What makes you feel better when you feel terrible?

Charlie Bucket: My family.

Willy Wonka: Ew!

Charlie Bucket: What do you have against my family?

Willy Wonka: It's not just *your* family, it's the whole idea of...

[balks]

Willy Wonka: You know, they're always telling you what to do, what not to do and it's not conducive to a creative atmosphere!

Charlie Bucket: Usually they're just trying to protect you, because they love you.

[Willy looks away]

Charlie Bucket: If you don't believe me you should ask.

Willy Wonka: Ask who? My father? Ha! No way. At least not by myself...

Charlie Bucket: You want me to go with you?

Willy Wonka: Hey! Hey, what a great idea! Yeah!

[jumps up]

Willy Wonka: And you know what? I brought transporta...

[bangs into the glass elevator and falls down]

Willy Wonka: I have to be more careful where I park this thing.

Mike Teavee: Who wants a beard?

Willy Wonka: Well, beatniks for one, folk singers, and motorbike riders. Y'know. All those hip, jazzy, super cool, neat, keen, and groovy cats. It's in the fridge, daddy-o! Are you hip to the jive? Can you dig what I'm layin' down? I knew that you could. Slide me some skin, soul brother!

Willy Wonka: You can't run a chocolate factory with a family hanging over you like an old, dead goose. No offense.

Grandpa George: None taken. Jerk.

Veruca Salt: I'm Veruca Salt. It's very nice to meet you, sir.

[does a curtsy]

Willy Wonka: I always thought a verruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot.

[laughs]

Mr. Salt: [as the squirrels take Veruca] Where are they taking her?

Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad nuts go, to the garbage chute.

Mr. Salt: Where does the chute go?

Willy Wonka: To the incinerator. But don't worry, we only light it on Tuesdays.

Mike Teavee: Today *is* Tuesday.

Willy Wonka: [after a pause] Well, there's always a chance they decided not to light it today.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I want a squirrel. Get me one of those squirrels, I want one!

Mr. Salt: Veruca dear, you have many marvelous pets.

Veruca Salt: All I've got at home is one pony and two dogs and four cats and six bunny rabbits and two parakeets and three canaries and a green parrot and a turtle, and a silly old hamster! I WANT a SQUIRREL!

Mr. Salt: All right, pet. Daddy'll get you a squirrel just as soon as he possibly can.

Veruca Salt: But I don't want any old squirrel! I want a *trained* squirrel!

Mr. Salt: [wearily] Very well. Mr. Wonka? How much do you want for one of these squirrels? Name your price.

Willy Wonka: Oh they're not for sale. She can't have one.

Veruca Salt: Daddy!

Willy Wonka: [imitating Mr. Salt] I'm sorry, darling. Mr. Wonka's being unreasonable.

Willy Wonka: [about Violet grabbing the gum] I'd rather you didn't. There's still one or two things that are a...

Violet Beauregarde: I'm the World Record holder in chewing gum. I'm not afraid of anything!

[pops the gum in her mouth]

Mrs. Beauregarde: How is it, honey?

Violet Beauregarde: It's amazing! Tomato soup, I can feel it running down my throat!

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Spit it out.

Grandpa Joe: Young lady, I think you'd better...

Violet Beauregarde: It's changing... roast beef and baked potato. Crispy skin and butter!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Keep chewin' kiddo! My little girl's gonna be the first person in the world to have a chewing gum meal!

Willy Wonka: Yeah. I'm just a little concerned about the...

Violet Beauregarde: Blueberry pie and ice cream!

Willy Wonka: That part.

Veruca Salt: [staring at Violet] What's happening to her nose?

[Violet keeps chewing and her nose starts turning purple]

Mr. Salt: You're turning blue!

Mrs. Beauregarde: Your whole nose has gone purple!

Violet Beauregarde: [touching her nose] W-What do you mean?

Mrs. Beauregarde: Violet, you're turning violet!

[to Wonka; concerned]

Mrs. Beauregarde: What's happening?

Willy Wonka: Well, I told you I hadn't quite got it right, 'cause it goes a little funny when it gets to the dessert. It's the Blueberry Pie that does it. I'm terribly sorry!

Violet Beauregarde: Mother, what's happening to me?

[continues to turn purple and starts to grow]

Grandpa Joe: She's swelling up!

Charlie Bucket: Like a blueberry!

Willy Wonka: [to Mrs. Beauregarde] I've tried it on, like, twenty Oompa-Loompas and each one ended up as a blueberry. It's just weird!

Mrs. Beauregarde: But I can't have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?

Veruca Salt: You could put her in a county fair!

[Wonka laughs]

Willy Wonka: Good morning, starshine... the earth says hello!

Willy Wonka: Let's go put him in the taffy puller!

Mr. Teavee: [horrified] Taffy puller?

Willy Wonka: Hey, that was my idea!

Willy Wonka: Little girl? Don't touch that squirrel's nuts! It'll make him crazy!

Mrs. Gloop: Where is my son? Where does that pipe go to?

Willy Wonka: That pipe, it just so happens to lead directly to the room where I make the most delicious kind of strawberry-flavoured chocolate-coated fudge.

Mrs. Gloop: Then he will be made into strawberry-flavoured chocolate-coated fudge? They'll be selling him by the pound all over the world?

Willy Wonka: No, I wouldn't allow it. The taste would be terrible. Can you imagine Augustus-flavoured chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew. No one would buy it.

Willy Wonka: Ew, somebody grab him.

Grandma Georgina: You smell like peanuts. I love peanuts.

Willy Wonka: Oh, thank you. You smell like... old people. And soap. I like it.

Willy Wonka: The best kind of prize is a *sur*prise!

Willy Wonka: [sorting through a big bunch of keys] There it is. There it isn't.

Dr. Wonka: Heavens. I haven't seen bicuspids like these since... since...

[long pause]

Dr. Wonka: Willy?

Willy Wonka: Hi, Dad.

[long pause]

Dr. Wonka: All these years and you haven't flossed.

Willy Wonka: Not once.

Willy Wonka: [as the Glass Elevator passes over a hospital wing, where Oompa-Loompa doctors and nurses are tending to their puppet patients] This is the Puppet Hospital and Burn Center. It's relatively new.

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka.

Willy Wonka: Huh?

Charlie Bucket: Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa Loompa song unless they...

Willy Wonka: [interrupts] Improvisation is parlor trick, anyone can do it.

[turns to Violet]

Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.

Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.

Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross, chewing gum I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.

Willy Wonka: [looking at silver hair] I realized in that moment, "I must find a heir".

Willy Wonka: You're all quite short, aren't you?

Violet Beauregarde: Well yeah, we're children.

Willy Wonka: Well that's no excuse. I was never as short as you.

Mike Teavee: You were once.

Willy Wonka: Was not. Know why? Because I distinctly remember putting a hat on top of my head. Look at your short little arms. You could never reach.

Willy Wonka: I sure hope no part of him gets left behind.

Mr. Teavee: What do you mean?

Willy Wonka: Uh, well... sometimes only half of the little pieces find their way through. If you had to choose only one half of your son, which one would it be?

Mr. Teavee: What kind of a question is that?

Willy Wonka: No need to snap, just a question.

Willy Wonka: [bangs into his elevator] I've got to be more careful where I park this thing.

Willy Wonka: And the rest of you must be their p-p-...

Mr. Salt: Parents?

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Moms and dads!

[expression darkens]

Willy Wonka: Dad? Papa?

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, I don't know if you remember me, but I used to work here in the factory.

Willy Wonka: Were you one of those despicable spies who everyday tried to steal my life's work and sell it to those parasitic copy-cat candy-making cads?

Grandpa Joe: No, sir.

Willy Wonka: Then wonderful, welcome back.

Charlie Bucket: So, if I go with you to the factory, I won't ever see my family again?

Willy Wonka: Yeah! Consider that a bonus!

Violet Beauregarde: [hugs Wonka] Mr. Wonka, I'm Violet Beauregarde.

Willy Wonka: [freaked out] Oh. I don't care.

Violet Beauregarde: Well, you should care. Because I'm the girl who's gonna win the special prize at the end.

Willy Wonka: Well, you do seem confident and confidence is key.

Augustus Gloop: [Augustus steps in front of Veruca] I'm Augustus Gloop. I love your chocolate.

Willy Wonka: I can see that. So do I. I never expected to have so much in common.

[Wonka stops and turns around to Mike]

Willy Wonka: You, you're Mike Teavee. You're the little devil who cracked the system.

[looks at Charlie]

Willy Wonka: And you, well, you're just lucky to be here, aren't you?

Willy Wonka: [while passing a room where Oompa Loompa's are shearing pink wool from sheep] I'd rather not talk about this one.

Violet Beauregarde: What's so funny?

Willy Wonka: I think it's from all those dog-gone cocoa beans. Hey, by the way, did you guys know that chocolate contains a property that triggers the release of endorphins? Gives one the feeling of being in love.

Mrs. Beauregarde: [flirtily] You don't say?

Willy Wonka: How do you feel about little raspberry kites?

Charlie Bucket: With licorice instead of string!

Mrs. Bucket: Boys, no business at the dinner table.

Charlie Bucket: Sorry, Mum.

Willy Wonka: I think you're onto something though, Charlie.

Willy Wonka: [after Mike Teavee has been shrunk and sent into a TV] Oh, thank heavens... he's completely unharmed.

[Mike Teavee is taken away and Wonka moves towards the Great Glass Elevator with Charlie and Grandpa Joe]

Willy Wonka: Now, how many children are left?

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka, Charlie's the only one left, now.

Willy Wonka: [looks at Charlie] You mean, you're the only one?

Charlie Bucket: Yes.

Willy Wonka: What happened to the others?

Willy Wonka: Can you imagine Augustus-flavored, chocolate-coated Gloop? Ew, no one would buy it.

Mike Teavee: You don't understand *anything* about science! First off, there's a difference between waves and particles! DUH! Second, the amount of power it would take to convert energy into matter would be like nine atomic bombs!

Willy Wonka: MUMBLER! Seriously, I can't understand a word you're saying!

Willy Wonka: Why, I believe they're going to treat us to a little song. It is quite a special occasion, of course. They haven't had a fresh audience in many a moon.

Oompa Loompa: Augustus Gloop / Augustus Gloop / The great big greedy Nincompoop / Augustus Gloop, so big and vile, so greedy foul and infantile / Come on, we cry, the time is ripe to send him shooting up the pipe / But don't, dear children be alarmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed, Augustus Gloop will not be harmed / Although of course we must admit, he will be altered quite a bit / Slowly wheels go round and round, and cogs begin to grind and pound / This greedy brute, this louces ear, is loved by people everywhere, for who could hate or bare a grudge against a luscious bit of fudge?

Oompa Loompa: [Oompa Loompas start singing] Listen close, listen hard / The tale of Violet Beauregarde / This gentle girl she sees no wrong / Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / She goes on chewing till at last / Her chewing muscles grow so fast / From her face her giant chin / Sticks out just like a violin / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / Oompa Loompa, Oompa Loompa, Oompa Loompa, Oompa Loompa/ For years and years she chews away / Her jaws get stronger every day / And with one great tremendous chew / They bite the poor girl's tongue in two / And that is why we try so hard / To save Miss Violet Beauregarde / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing all day long / Chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing, chewing all day long./ Chewing, chewing all day long./ Chewing, chewing all day long./

Blueberry Violet: Mr. Wonka!

[Oompa Loompas stop singing]

Willy Wonka: [to Oompa Loompa] I want you to roll Miss Beaurgarde into the boat and take her along to the Juicing Room at once. 'Kay?

Mrs. Beauregarde: The Juicing room? What are they gonna do to her there?

Willy Wonka: Oh, they're gonna squeeze her. Like a little pimple. We've gotta squeeze all that juice out of her immediately.

[Mrs. Beauregarde runs up to Blueberry Violet]

Blueberry Violet: Mother, help me. Please!

[Mrs. Beauregarde pushes Blueberry Violet into door]

Willy Wonka: [looks at everyone] Come on... Let's boogie!

Charlie Bucket: [During the chocolate river ride, the group passes a door, where a window allows them to see Oompa-Loompas whipping a cow with paddles] Whipped cream.

Willy Wonka: Precisely!

Veruca Salt: That doesn't make sense.

Willy Wonka: For your information, little girl, whipped cream isn't whipped cream at all unless it's been whipped with whips. Everybody knows that.

Willy Wonka: But lucky for us, we have the Great Glass Elevator to speed things alo...

[runs into elevator and falls]

Willy Wonka: [getting up] Speed things along.

Willy Wonka: Little boy, don't push my button.

Augustus Gloop: Don't you want to know our names?

Willy Wonka: Can't imagine how it would matter.

Willy Wonka: [explaining that Mike Teavee will have to be brought to the Taffy Puller Room] Boy, is he gonna be skinny.

Willy Wonka: [coming upon a tiny door] An important room, this. After all, it is a chocolate factory.

Mike Teavee: Then, why is the door so small?

Willy Wonka: That's to keep all the great big chocolatey flavor inside.

Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, I was having a flashback.

Mr. Salt: I see.

Mr. Teavee: These flashbacks happen often?

Willy Wonka: Increasingly... today.

Mike Teavee: [seeing the Oompa-Loompas for the first time] Are they real people?

Willy Wonka: Of course they're real people. They're Oompa Loompas.

Mr. Salt: Oompa Loompas?

Willy Wonka: Imported. Direct from Loompaland.

Mr. Teavee: There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: What?

Mr. Teavee: Mr. Wonka, I teach high school geography, and I'm here to tell you...

Willy Wonka: Well, then, you'll know all about it and, oh, what a terrible country it is.

Veruca Salt: Will Violet always be a blueberry?

Willy Wonka: No. Maybe. I dunno. But that's what you get from chewing gum all day, it's just disgusting.

Mike Teavee: If you hate gum so much, why do you make it?

Willy Wonka: Once again you really shouldn't mumble, 'cause it's kinda starting to bum me out.

Mrs. Beauregarde: What do you use Hair Cream for?

Willy Wonka: To lock in moisture.

[primps hair]

Willy Wonka: It's gotta be real big, 'cause you know how on TV you can film a regular-sized man and he comes out looking this tall? Same basic principle.

Willy Wonka: The waterfall is most important. Mixes the chocolate. Churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall, my dear children, and you can take that to the bank.

Willy Wonka: Ah, the administrations offices. Hello Doris!

Willy Wonka: I've just been informed that the incinerator's broken, so there should be about three weeks of rotten garbage to break their fall!

Mrs. Gloop: [as she sees Augustus Gloop drinking the chocolate river] Augustus, My child. That is not the right thing to do!

Willy Wonka: HEY! Little Boy, My chocolate must be untouched by human hands!

Mrs. Gloop: [as Augustus falls into the river] He will drown, He can't swim. Call the firefighter.

[the gum machine spits out a single piece of gum]

Mike Teavee: You mean that's it?

Willy Wonka: Do you even know what *it* is?

Willy Wonka: Let's keep on truckin'.

Mr. Salt: Are you using the Havermax 4000 to do your sorting?

Willy Wonka: No.

[laughs]

Willy Wonka: You're really weird.

[Willy Wonka claps enthusiastically as his special musical showpiece goes up in flames]

Willy Wonka: Ha ha ha, wasn't that just magnificent? I was worried it was getting a little dodgy in the middle part, but then that finale... Wow!

Willy Wonka: Uh, you really shouldn't mumble, because I can't understand a word you're saying.

Willy Wonka: I've been longing to press that button for years. Well, here we go! Up and out!

Grandpa Joe: But do you really mean...?

Willy Wonka: Yeah, I do!

Grandpa Joe: But it's made of glass! It'll smash into a million pieces!

[Willy giggles]

Mike Teavee: Just put me back in the other way.

Willy Wonka: There is no other way. It's television not telephone. There's quite a difference.

Willy Wonka: [while passing a room where Oompa Loompa's are shearing pink hair from sheep] I'd rather not talk about this one...

Willy Wonka: [to Mike Teavee] Mumbler! Seriously, I cannot understand a single word you're saying!

Willy Wonka: My name is Willy Wonka.

Veruca Salt: Then shouldn't you be up there?

[points to stage]

Willy Wonka: Well, I couldn't very well watch the show from up there, now, could I, little girl?

Willy Wonka: The waterfall is most important! Mixes the chocolate, churns it up, makes it light and frothy. By the way, no other factory in the world m...

Veruca Salt: You already said that.

Mr. Teavee: [has just seen chocolate transported by television] So, can you send other things? Say, like, breakfast cereal?

Willy Wonka: Do you have any idea what breakfast cereal's made of? It's those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners.

Charlie Bucket: But could you send it by television if you wanted to?

Willy Wonka: Course I could.

Mike Teavee: What about people?

Willy Wonka: Well, why would I wanna send a person? They don't taste very good at all.

Willy Wonka: [hands Charlie a ladle full of chocolate] Try some of this. It'll do ya good. You looked starved to death!

Charlie Bucket: "Up and out"? What kind of a room is that?

Willy Wonka: Hold on.

Willy Wonka: Stop the boat! I wanna show you guys something!

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka? Why would Augustus' name already be in the Oompa-Loompa song, unless - ?

Willy Wonka: Improvisation is a parlor trick. Anyone can do it.

[Turns to look at Violet]

Willy Wonka: You, little girl. Say something. Anything.

Violet Beauregarde: Chewing gum.

Willy Wonka: Chewing gum is really gross. Chewing gum, I hate the most. See? Exactly the same.

Mike Teavee: No, it isn't.

Willy Wonka: [Pretends not to hear] Uh, you really shouldn't mumble. Because I can't hear a word you're saying. Now, on with the tour.

[Starts walking and everyone else follows]

Willy Wonka: I've always made whatever candy I felt like, and I... That's just it, isn't it? I make the candy I feel like, but now I feel terrible, so the candy's terrible.

Willy Wonka: There's no earthly way of knowing/Which direction they are going... There's no knowing where they're rowing...

Mr. Salt: [weakly echoing] Rowing...

Willy Wonka: Or which way the river's flowing... Is it raining, is it snowing?/Is a hurricane a-blowing?

[sharp gasp]

Willy Wonka: Not a speck of light is showing/So the danger must be growing... Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?/Is the grisly Reaper mowing?/Yes! The danger must be growing/'Cause the rowers keep on rowing/

[practically screaming]

Willy Wonka: And they're certainly not showing/Any sign that they are slowing!

[lets out a high-pitched, almost unearthly scream]

Willy Wonka: Try some more. The strawberries taste like strawberries, and the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.

Veruca Salt: Snozzberries? Who ever heard of a snozzberry?

Willy Wonka: [grabbing Veruca's mouth and pinching it a bit to hold it open] *We* are the music makers... and *we* are the dreamers of dreams.

Willy Wonka: The suspense is terrible... I hope it'll last.

Mrs. Gloop: Don't just stand there, do something!

Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Help. Police, Murder.

Willy Wonka: So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.

Willy Wonka: [into Mr. Salt's ear, singing softly] A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Willy Wonka: [touching the gobstopper Charlie has just set on his desk] So shines a good deed in a weary world.

Willy Wonka: How did you like the chocolate factory, Charlie?

Charlie Bucket: I think it's the most wonderful place in the whole world!

Willy Wonka: I'm very pleased to hear you say that, because I'm giving it to you.

Grandpa Joe: [sounding shocked] You're giving Charlie the...?

Willy Wonka: I can't go on forever, and I don't really want to try. So who can I trust to run the factory when I leave and take care of the Oompa Loompas for me? Not a grown up. A grown up would want to do everything his own way, not mine. So that's why I decided a long time ago that I had to find a child. A very honest, loving child, to whom I could tell all my most precious candy making secrets.

Charlie Bucket: So that's why you sent out the golden tickets!

Willy Wonka: That's right. So the factory is yours, Charlie. You can move in immediately.

Grandpa Joe: And me?

Willy Wonka: Absolutely.

Charlie Bucket: But what happens to the rest...?

Willy Wonka: The whole family. I want you to bring them all.

[Willy and Charlie hug]

Willy Wonka: [singing] If you want to view paradise, simply look around and view it. Anything you want to, do it; want to change the world... there's nothing to it.

Mr. Salt: What is this, Wonka? Some kind of funhouse?

Willy Wonka: [glances back at him] Why? Are you having fun?

Willy Wonka: Where is fancy bred, in the heart or in the head?

Grandpa Joe: Mr. Wonka?

Willy Wonka: [pointedly ignoring him and Charlie] I am extraordinarily busy, sir.

Grandpa Joe: [tentatively] I just wanted to ask about the chocolate. The-the lifetime supply of chocolate, for Charlie. Wh-When does he get it?

Willy Wonka: He doesn't.

Grandpa Joe: Why not?

Willy Wonka: Because he broke the rules.

Grandpa Joe: What rules? We didn't see any rules, did we, Charlie?

[Charlie shakes his head briefly]

Willy Wonka: [springs up from his chair, angrily] Wrong, sir! Wrong! Under section 37B of the contract signed by him, it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void if - and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy:

[grabs a magnifying glass and reads]

Willy Wonka: I, the undersigned, shall forfeit all rights, privileges, and licenses herein and herein contained, et cetera, et cetera... Fax mentis incendium gloria cultum, et cetera, et cetera... Memo bis punitor delicatum!

[slams the contract copy and the magnifying glass down, continues shouting]

Willy Wonka: It's all there, black and white, clear as crystal! You stole fizzy lifting drinks! You bumped into the ceiling which now has to be washed and sterilized, so you get nothing! You lose! Good day, sir!

[turns back to his work]

Grandpa Joe: [shocked] You're a crook. You're a cheat and a swindler! That's what you are!

[angrily]

Grandpa Joe: How could you do something like this, build up a little boy's hopes and then smash all his dreams to pieces? You're an inhuman monster!

Willy Wonka: [shouts even louder] I said good day!

Grandpa Joe: Come on, Charlie, let's get out of here. I'll get even with him if it's the last thing I'll ever do. If Slugworth wants a Gobstopper, he'll get one.

Mr. Salt: [noticing signs on vats] Wonka. Butterscotch? Buttergin? Got a little something going on the side?

Willy Wonka: Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Willy Wonka: Hold your breath, make a wish, count to three.

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka, they won't really be burned in the furnace, will they?

Willy Wonka: Hm... well, I think that furnace is only lit every other day, so they have a good sporting chance, haven't they?

Willy Wonka: If the good Lord had intended us to walk, he wouldn't have invented roller skates.

[last lines]

Willy Wonka: But Charlie, don't forget what happened to the man who suddenly got everything he always wanted.

Charlie Bucket: What happened?

Willy Wonka: He lived happily ever after.

Mrs. Gloop: [Augustus is now sucked into the suction pipe which takes him to the vertical pipe] He can't swim.

Willy Wonka: There's no better time to learn.

Mrs. Gloop: He's gone! He'll be made into marshmallows in five seconds.

Willy Wonka: Impossible, my dear lady! That's absurd! Unthinkable!

Mrs. Gloop: Why?

Willy Wonka: Because that pipe doesn't go to the marshmallow room, it goes to the fudge room!

Mrs. Gloop: You terrible man!

Willy Wonka: [making a mysterious formula] Invention, my dear friends, is 93% perspiration, 6% electricity, 4% evaporation, and 2% butterscotch ripple.

Mrs. Teevee: [as Mr. Wonka drinks the formula] That's 105%!

Sam Beauregarde: Any good?

Willy Wonka: [smacks his lips, then speaks in falsetto] Yes.

Mrs. Gloop: What a disgusting, dirty river!

Mr. Salt: Industrial waste, that. You've ruined your watershed Wonka: it's polluted.

Willy Wonka: It's chocolate.

Veruca Salt: That's chocolate?

Charlie Bucket: That's chocolate!

Violet Beauregarde: Well, they can't be real people.

Willy Wonka: Why, of course they're real people.

Mr. Salt: Stuff and nonsense!

Willy Wonka: No, Oompa Loompas.

The Group: [turning around] Oompa Loompas?

Willy Wonka: From Loompaland.

Mrs. Teevee: Loompaland? There's no such place.

Willy Wonka: Excuse me, dear lady, but...

Mrs. Teevee: Mr. Wonka, I am a teacher of geography.

Willy Wonka: Oh, well, then you know all about it and what a terrible country it is. Nothing but desolate wastes and fierce beasts. And the poor little Oompa Loompas were so small and helpless, they would get gobbled up right and left. A Wangdoodle would eat ten of them for breakfast and think nothing of it. And so, I said, "Come and live with me in peace and safety, away from all the Wangdoodles, and Hornswogglers, and Snozzwangers, and rotten, Vermicious Knids."

Mr. Salt: Snozzwangers? Vermicious Knids? What kind of rubbish is that?

Willy Wonka: I'm sorry, but all questions *must* be submitted in writing. And so, in the greatest of secrecy, I transported the entire population of Oompa Loompas to my factory here.

Veruca Salt: Hey, Daddy, *I* want an Oompa Loompa! I want you to get me an Oompa Loompa right away!

Mr. Salt: All right, Veruca, all right. I'll get you one before the day is out.

Veruca Salt: [whining] I want an Oompa Loompa now!

Violet Beauregarde: Can it, you nit!

Willy Wonka: Well, fortunately, small boys are extremely springy and elastic. So I think we'll put him in my special taffy-pulling machine. That should do the trick.

[to an Oompa Loompa]

Willy Wonka: To the taffy-pulling room. You'll find the boy in his mother's purse. But be extremely careful.

Mrs. Teevee: Uh, T-T-Taffy? Wh-What's he saying?

[Oompa Loompa whispers to Wonka]

Willy Wonka: No, no. I won't hold you responsible.

Willy Wonka: [Mrs. Teavee suddenly passes out] And now, my dearest lady, it's time to say good-bye.

[Mrs. Teevee groans]

Willy Wonka: No, no, don't speak. For some moments in life, there are no words. Run along now.

[two Oompa Loompas drag the limp Mrs. Teevee out of the room]

Grandpa Joe: [viewing the Wonka-mobile being fueled] Mr. Wonka? Uh, what's that they're filling it up with?

Willy Wonka: Oh ginger ale, ginger pop, ginger beer, beer bubbles, bubbleade, bubblecola, double cola, double-bubble-burple-cola, and all the crazy carbonated stuff that tickles your nose. Few people realize what tremendous power there is in one of those things.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] Sorry I asked.

Willy Wonka: [after Veruca falls down the chute] She was a bad egg.

Mike Teevee: Look at me, I'm gonna be be the first person in the world to be sent by television!

Mrs. Teevee: Mike, get away from that thing!

Willy Wonka: [unenthusiastically] Stop. Don't. Come back.

Mike Teevee: Lights, camera, *action*!

Mrs. Gloop: You boiled him up, I know it.

Willy Wonka: Nil desperandum, my dear lady. Across the desert lies the promised land.

[Mrs. Gloop is led away to the fudge room]

Willy Wonka: Goodbye, Mrs. Gloop. Adieu. Aufwiedersehen. Gesundheit. Farewell.

Mr. Salt: Quite a nice little canoe you got there, Wonka.

Willy Wonka: All I ask is a tall ship and a star to sail her by. All aboard, everybody.

Mr. Salt: Ladies first, and that means Veruca.

Grandpa Joe: [to Charlie] If she's a lady, I'm a Vermicious Knid.

Mrs. Teevee: [as the Wonkatania starts to move] I think I'm going to be seasick!

Willy Wonka: [handing something to Mrs. Teevee] Here, take these.

Mrs. Teevee: What are they?

Willy Wonka: Rainbow drops. Suck them and you can spit in seven different colors!

Violet Beauregarde: [as she digs around in her nostril] Spitting's a dirty habit.

Willy Wonka: I know a worse one.

[Willy Wonka and the group are still on the boat and are at the hallway outside the inventing room]

Willy Wonka: We're there.

Mrs. Teevee: Where?

Willy Wonka: Here. A small step for mankind, but a giant step for us. All ashore!

Mr. Beauregarde: Let me off this crate!

Mike Teevee: Now why don't they show stuff like that on T.V.?

Mrs. Teevee: I don't know.

Mr. Salt: What a nightmare.

Veruca Salt: Daddy, I do not want a boat like this.

[Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe read a sign]

Charlie Bucket: Dairy cream...

Grandpa Joe: Whipped cream...

Charlie Bucket: Coffee cream...

Grandpa Joe: Vanilla cream...

Charlie Bucket and Grandpa Joe: Hair cream?

Willy Wonka: Meine Herrschaften, schenken Sie mir ihre aufmerksamkeit

[My friends (masters), please give me your attention]

Willy Wonka: .

Mrs. Teevee: That's not French.

Willy Wonka: Sie kommen jetzt in den interessantesten und gleichzeitig geheimsten raum meiner fabrik.

[You have now come to the most interesting and, at the same time, the most secret room of my factory]

Mr. Salt: I can't take much more of this.

Willy Wonka: Meine Damen und Herren, der Inventing Room

[Ladies and Gentlemen, The Inventing Room]

Willy Wonka: . Now remember, no messing about. No touching, no tasting, no telling.

Grandpa Joe: No telling what?

Willy Wonka: You see, all of my most secret inventions are cooking and simmering in here. Old Slugworth would give his false teeth to get inside for just five minutes, so don't touch a thing!

Willy Wonka: Don't you know what this is?

Violet Beauregarde: By gum, it's gum.

Willy Wonka: [happily, but sarcastically] Wrong! It's the most amazing, fabulous, sensational gum in the whole world.

Violet Beauregarde: What's so fab about it?

Willy Wonka: This little piece of gum is a three-course dinner.

Mr. Salt: Bull.

Willy Wonka: No, roast beef. But I haven't got it quite right yet.

Willy Wonka: It happens every time, they all become blueberries.

Willy Wonka: [singing] There is no life I know to compare with pure imagination. Living there, you'll be free if you truly wish to be.

Willy Wonka: Bubbles, bubbles everywhere, but not a drop to drink - yet.

[Mr. Wonka puts a pair of football cleats into a vat]

Mr. Salt: What's that for?

Willy Wonka: Gives it a little kick.

Willy Wonka: [referring to the soda-powered Wonkamobile] Behold the Wonkamobile. A thing of beauty is a joy forever.

Mr. Salt: Wonka, how much do you want for the golden goose?

Willy Wonka: They're not for sale.

Mr. Salt: Name your price.

Willy Wonka: She can't have one.

Veruca Salt: Who says I can't?

Mr. Salt: The man with the funny hat.

[Willy Wonka greets Charlie and Grandpa Joe at the gates of the WONKA factory]

Willy Wonka: And who is this gentleman?

Charlie Bucket: My grandfather, Grandpa Joe.

Willy Wonka: [vigorously shaking Grandpa Joe's hand] Delighted to meet you, sir. Overjoyed, enraptured, entranced. Are we ready? Yes, good. In we go.

Mrs. Teevee: I assume there's an accident indemnity clause.

Willy Wonka: Never between friends.

Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] I want to go in! Don't you dare stop me!

Mr. Salt: I'm only trying to help you, sweetheart.

Veruca Salt: [to Violet] Give me that pen!

[Veruca grabs the pen from Violet]

Veruca Salt: [to Mr. Salt] You're always making things difficult.

[signs the contract]

Willy Wonka: [admiringly] Nicely handled, Veruca! Now there's a girl who knows where she's going.

[Wonka walks down the hall which gets shorter as it goes on in the skewed perspective room]

Charlie Bucket: Hey, the room is getting smaller.

Mrs. Teevee: No, it's not. *He's* getting *bigger*!

Mr. Salt: He's at it again!

Mike Teevee: Where's the chocolate?

Sam Beauregarde: I doubt if there is any.

Mr. Salt: I doubt if any of us will get out of here alive.

Willy Wonka: Oh, you should never, never doubt what nobody is sure about.

Mrs. Gloop: You're not squeezing me through that tiny door!

Mr. Salt: You're off your bleeding nut, Wonka. No one can get through there!

Willy Wonka: No other factory in the world mixes its chocolate by waterfall.

[gently whispering in Mr. Salt's ear]

Willy Wonka: But it's the only way if you want it just right.

Charlie Bucket: Hey Grandpa, what was that we just went through?

Willy Wonka: Hsaw Aknow.

Mrs. Teevee: Is that Japanese?

Willy Wonka: No, that's Wonka wash, spelled backwards. That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the journey's over!

Grandpa Joe: Finest bath I've had tin 20 years!

Willy Wonka: [singing] In springtime, the only pretty ring time, birds sing hey ding... a-ding, a-ding, sweet lovers love... the spring.

Willy Wonka: Now over here, if you'll follow me, I have something rather special to show you.

Mr. Salt: It's special all right, I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one.

Charlie Bucket: [after eating the now-shrunken Wonka bar] It's perfect.

Mrs. Teevee: It's unbelievable!

Grandpa Joe: It's a miracle!

Mike Teevee: It's a TV dinner!

Willy Wonka: It's Wonkavision.

Grandpa Joe: It could change the world!

Mrs. Gloop: Help, Mr. Wonka, help! I'm getting squashed. Save me!

Willy Wonka: Is it my soul that calls upon my name?

Veruca Salt: [after Willy gives an Everlasting Gobstopper to each of the kids] Hey, she's got two! I want another one!

Violet Beauregarde: [showing her Gobstopper to Veruca] Stop squawking, you twit!

Willy Wonka: [making it clear he's not going to stand for the girls' bickering] Everybody has had ONE, and ONE is enough for anybody. Now come along.

Willy Wonka: [Showing off his geese that lay golden eggs] They're laying overtime right now, for Easter.

Mike Teevee: But Easter's over!

Willy Wonka: [clapping a hand over Mike's mouth] Ssshhh!

[quietly]

Willy Wonka: They don't know that. I'm trying to get ahead for next year.

Charlie Bucket: Mr. Wonka, what'll happen to the other kids? Augustus, Veruca?

Willy Wonka: My dear boy, I promise you they'll be quite all right. When they leave here, they'll be completely restored to their normal, terrible old selves. But maybe they'll be a little bit wiser for the wear. Anyway, don't worry about them.

Augustus Gloop: [urgently] Let me in, I'm starving!

Willy Wonka: Now, don't get excited. Don't lose your head, Augustus. We don't want anybody to lose that.

Willy Wonka: [as Violet snatches the gum from his hand] Oh! I wouldn't do that. I really wouldn't.

[opening lock]

Willy Wonka: Ninety-nine, forty-four, one hundred percent pure. Just through the other door, please.

Mr. Salt: You sure this thing'll float, eh, Wonka?

Willy Wonka: With your buoyancy, sir, rest assured.

Willy Wonka: [Dropping an old-fashioned alarm clock into a vat of some sort of candy mixture] Time is a precious thing. Never waste it.

Willy Wonka: [revving the motor of the soft-drink powered Wonkamobile] Swifter than eagles! Stronger than lions!

[the Wonkamobile spurts foam at him]

Willy Wonka: Little surprises around every corner, but nothing dangerous. So don't be alarmed. As soon as your outer vestments are at hand, we'll begin.

Willy Wonka: Well, well, well, two naughty, *nasty* little children gone. Three good, sweet little children left.

Willy Wonka: 'Round the world and home again, that's the sailor's way.

Willy Wonka: This is the great glass Wonkavator.

Grandpa Joe: It's an elevator.

Willy Wonka: It's a Wonkavator. An elevator can only go up and down, but the Wonkavator can go sideways, and slantways, and longways, and backways...

Charlie Bucket: And frontways?

Willy Wonka: ...and squareways, and front ways, and any other ways that you can think of. It can take you to any room in the whole factory just by pressing one of these buttons. Any of these buttons. Just press a button, and *zing*! You're off. And up until now, I've pressed them all... except one.

[gestures to a button near the top of the Wonkavator]

Willy Wonka: This one. Go ahead, Charlie.

Charlie Bucket: Me?

[Willy Wonka nods as Charlie presses the button]

Willy Wonka: I take very good care of my guests.

Sam Beauregarde: Yeah, you took real good care of that August kid.

Willy Wonka: And almost everything you'll see is eatable, edible. I mean, you can eat almost everything.

Willy Wonka: The Egg-dicator can tell the difference between a good egg and a bad egg. If it's a good egg, it's shined up and shipped out all over the world. But if it's a bad egg, down the chute.

Grandpa Joe: [whispering to Charlie] It's an educated Egg-dicator.

Willy Wonka: I don't understand it. The children are dissappearing like rabbits. Well, we still have each other. Shall we press on?

Mr. Salt: Where is she going?

Willy Wonka: Where all the other bad eggs go, down the garbage chute.

Mr. Salt: [laughs] Oh, the garbage chute. Where does it lead to?

Willy Wonka: To the furnace.

Mr. Salt: [laughs] The furnace! She'll be sizzled like a sausage.

Willy Wonka: No, not necessarily. She could be stuck just inside the tube.

Mr. Salt: Inside the...

[he starts suddenly in shock and runs]

Mr. Salt: Hold on! Veruca! Sweetheart! Daddy's coming!

[dives down the chute]

Willy Wonka: There'll to be a lot of garbage today.

Willy Wonka: [In the Wonkavator] Faster, faster; if we don't pick up enough speed, we'll never get through!

Charlie Bucket: Get through what?

Willy Wonka: Aha!

Grandpa Joe: You mean we're going...?

Willy Wonka: Up and out!

Grandpa Joe: But this roof is made of glass! It'll shatter into a thousand pieces! We'll be cut to ribbons!

Willy Wonka: Probably.

[Charlie begins to look nervous]

Veruca Salt: [Introducing herself to Willy Wonka] I'm Veruca Salt.

Willy Wonka: [shaking Veruca's hand] My dear Veruca, what a pleasure! And how pretty you look in that lovely mink coat.

Veruca Salt: [sounding proud] I've got three others at home!

Willy Wonka: [telling the group about Everlasting Gobstoppers] You can suck them and suck them and suck them and they'll never get any smaller. Never!

[pauses, then speaks softly, almost to himself]

Willy Wonka: At least I don't think they do. A few more tests.

Willy Wonka: [showing the group the gum machine] Now over here, if you'll follow me, we have something rather special.

Mr. Salt: It's special, all right. I only hope my Veruca doesn't want one!

Willy Wonka: It's a musical lock.

[begins playing Mozart's 'Marriage Of Figaro']

Mrs. Teevee: Rachmaninoff.

Willy Wonka: [Wonka knows Charlie and Grandpa Joe stole from him] Oh, yes. Well, I hope you enjoyed yourselves. Excuse me for not showing you out. Straight up the stairs. You'll find the way. I'm terribly busy. Whole day wasted. Goodbye to you both. Goodbye.