Willie Quotes in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984)

Short Round: Wow! Holy Smoke! Crash landing!

Indiana Jones: Short Round, step on it.

Short Round: Okey dokey, Dr. Jones.

[turns his cap around]

Short Round: Hold on to your potatoes!

Willie: For crying out loud, there's a *kid* driving the car!

Indiana Jones: Relax, I've been giving him lessons.

Indiana Jones: Willie, Willie, Willie. What kind of a name is that? Is it short for something?

Willie: Willie is my professional name, Indiana.

Short Round: Hey, lady! You call him Dr. Jones!

Indiana Jones: *My* professional name.

Indiana Jones: Wear your jewels to bed Princess?

Willie: Yeah... and nothing else. Shock you?

Indiana Jones: Nothing shocks me. I'm a scientist.

Willie: You're gonna get killed chasing after your damn fortune and glory!

Indiana Jones: Maybe. But not today.

Willie: I hate the water... and I hate being wet... and I hate YOU!

Indiana Jones: GOOD!

Indiana Jones: [trapped on a rope bridge] Shorty!

[Indy shouts to Shorty in Chinese. Short Round, wide-eyed, nods and wraps a rope around his arm]

Short Round: Hang on lady, we going for a ride!

[Indy raises his sword, and Willie realizes]

Willie: Oh... my... God! Oh my God... Oh my God...

[wraps a rope around her arm]

Willie: Is he nuts?

Short Round: He no nuts, he's crazy!

Indiana Jones: [groping desperately down Willie's dress] Where's the antidote?

Willie: Oh, listen, I just met you! Oh, I'm not that kind of girl...

Short Round: Hey, Dr. Jones, no time for love. We've got company.

Willie: THAT'S the maharaja? A *kid*?

Short Round: Maybe he likes *older* women.

[Indy signals his intention to cut the rope bridge]

Willie: Oh my God. Oh my God, is he nuts?

Short Round: He no nuts, he's crazy!

[cutting between Indiana and Willie's rooms]

Indiana Jones: "Palace slave"...

Willie: "Nocturnal activities"...

Indiana Jones: *I'm* a conceited ape?

Willie: "I'll tell you in the morning"...

Indiana Jones: I can't believe this.

Willie: He's not coming.

Indiana Jones: She's not coming.

[pause]

Indiana Jones: I can't believe I'm not going.

[as Indiana Jones drinks his martini, Lao Che's henchmen laugh as he holds up a vial]

Willie: What's that?

Lao Che: Antidote.

Indiana Jones: To what?

Lao Che: [matter-of-factly] The poison you just drank.

[laughs aloud]

Willie: You know how to fly, don't you?

Indiana Jones: Um, no. Do you?

Indiana Jones: You know what your problem is, Princess? You're too used to getting your own way.

Willie: And you're too proud to admit that you're crazy about me, Dr. Jones!

Indiana Jones: If you want me Willie, you know where to find me.

Willie: Five minutes. You'll be back over here in five minutes.

Indiana Jones: I'll be asleep in five minutes.

Willie: Five. You know it, and I know it.

Willie: There are two dead people in here!

Indiana Jones: There's gonna be two dead people in here! Hurry!

Indiana Jones: [after Willie loses Indy's gun] Where's my gun? WHERE'S MY GUN?

Willie: I burned by fingers and I cracked a nail!

Willie: Aren't you gonna introduce us?

Lao Che: This is Willie Scott; this is Indiana Jones, a famous archaeologist.

Willie: Well I always thought that archaeologists were always funny looking men going around looking for their mommies.

Indiana Jones: Mummies.

Willie: So what are you supposed to be, a lion tamer?

Indiana Jones: I'm allowing you to tag along. So why don't you give your mouth a rest. Okay doll?

Willie: What do you mean "tag along"? Ever since you got into my club, you haven't been able to take your eyes off of me.

Indiana Jones: Oh, yeah?

[tugs his hat down over his eyes, and falls asleep]

Chattar Lal: Dr. Jones, the eminent archaeologist?

Willie: Hard to believe, isn't it?

Willie: Ooh, what big birds!

Indiana Jones: Those aren't big birds, sweetheart! They're giant vampire bats!

Willie: [being lowered over a sacrificial pit] I'm not going to have anything nice to say about this place when I get back!

[Indy places his hands on the bosom of a statue]

Willie: I'm right *here*!

[last lines]

Indiana Jones: Anything can happen. It's a long way to Delhi.

Willie: No, thanks. No more adventures with you, Dr. Jones.

Indiana Jones: Sweetheart, after all the fun we've had together?

Willie: If you think I'm going to Delhi with you, or anyplace else after all the trouble you've gotten me into, think again, buster! I'm going home to Missouri where they never feed you snakes before ripping your heart out and lowering you into hot pits! This is NOT my idea of a swell time!

[to native]

Willie: Excuse me, sir. I need a guide to Delhi. If you could...

[Indy snaps his whip around Willie's waist and pulls her back]

Willie: Oh...

Short Round: Very funny. Very funny.

[Indy and Willie start to kiss]

Short Round: Uh-oh!

[after getting dumped into a pond]

Willie: [crying] I was happy in Shanghai! I had a little house, and a garden! My friends were rich, we went to parties all the time in limousines! I *hate* being outside!

[Willie angrily splashes the water]

Willie: [gasps] I'm a singer! I could lose my voice!

Indiana Jones: I think we'll camp here tonight.

Indiana Jones: [after the palace dinner] I've got something for you.

Willie: There's nothing you have that I could possibly want.

Indiana Jones: Right.

[turns and uncovers a plate of fruit, Indy takes a bite from an apple. Willie runs over and begins to devour the fruit]

Willie: You're a very nice man.

Eel Eater: Are you not eating?

Willie: I had bugs for lunch.

Indiana Jones: We weren't brought here. Our plane crashed.

Willie: [nodding and smiling] It crashed.

Shaman of Maypore: [laughing] No, no, no. We prayed to Shiva to help us find the stone. It was Shiva who made you fall from sky. So you will go to Pankot Palace... and find Shivalinga... and bring back to us. Bring back to us. Bring back to us.

[cutting between Indiana and Willie's rooms]

Willie: [looks at her clock] Five minutes...

Indiana Jones: [looks at his] Four and a half...

Indiana Jones: [meeting on the floor] The antidote!

Willie: Where's the diamond?

Willie: I can't go to Pankot! I'm a *singer*!

Willie: Give me your hat.

Short Round: [takes his cap off] Why?

Willie: [taking the cap] Because I'm gonna puke in it!

[Short Round quickly tugs the cap off her]

Willie: Indiana Jones, this is one night you'll never forget. This is the night I slipped right through your fingers. Sleep tight and pleasant dreams. I could've been your greatest adventure.

Indiana Jones: We're in trouble!

Willie: Trouble? What kind of trouble?

Indiana Jones: It's a long story. Better hurry up or you won't get to hear it.

Willie: [about the Sankara Stone] You could have kept it.

Indiana Jones: Nah, it would of just been another rock collecting dust.

Willie: Yeah, but it would have given you your fortune and glory.

[Willie goes to the front of the plane, and sees the cockpit is empty]

Willie: Oh, no... oh, no...

[Runs back and starts shaking Indy awake]

Willie: Mister! Mister! Oh, Mister, wake up!

Short Round: [waking up] You call him Dr. Jones, doll!

Willie: Okay, Dr. Jones! Dr. Jones, wake up!

Willie: We're not sinking, we're CRASHIIINNNNNG!

[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]

Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.

Colonel: What is it, son?

Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...

Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.

Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...

Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.

Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?

Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...

Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...

Baseball Umpire: Two balls.

[looking up from game]

Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...

Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.

Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...

Musician: Willie.

Willie: Yeah?

Musician: What's that?

Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...

Colonel: Johnson.

Radar Operator: Yes, sir?

Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

Willie: Please, Mister.

Ursa: He's a General.

Willie: Please, Mister General! Please let my daddy down!

Willie: I heard you screamin' from all the way over there, and...

Leonard: I wasn't screamin', all right?

Willie: But I heard you...

Leonard: I wasn't screamin'! I was whistling!

Willie: You was whistling "Willie, help get this bitch off of me"?

Leonard: Yeah!

[Slammer and Hammer are in a gun fight]

Willie: How come their guns are so much bigger than ours?

Middle aged hood: It's a phallic thing. I don't know.

Capt. Wallace B. Binghampton: Did we wake you up?

Willie: No sir, we've been up since the crack of noon.

Willie: [looking at Binghampton] Hey Happy, ain't that the guy who sank the Love Boat?

Happy: [recognizes Binghampton] Oh yeah!

Francis Patrick 'Tiny' Murphy: You know MacLean?

Scrounger Harris: Yeah, I've met him, but I don't like him.

Blimp Lebec: You don't like him? You should know how I don't like him!

Brian MacLean: And why do you say that? You know, I've always been very happy to see you. Look at Tiny. He never used to like me. Now he hates me.

[to Willie]

Brian MacLean: Willie!

Willie: Hello! Happy landings!

Francis Patrick 'Tiny' Murphy: [to Blimp and Scrounger] Oh, come on and sit down. Come on, come on here.

[to Willie]

Francis Patrick 'Tiny' Murphy: Listen, Willie, we want four black coffees and some cake.

Scrounger Harris: [to Willie] Make mine tea and charge it!

Bartlett: Gentlemen, no doubt you've heard the immortal words of our new commandant: devote your energies to things other than escape, and sit out the war as comfortably as possible.

Sedgwick: [derisively] Ha!

Bartlett: Well, that's exactly what we're going to do. We're going to devote our energies to sports and gardening, all the cultural pursuits as far as they're concerned. In fact, we're going to put the goons to sleep. Meanwhile, we dig. Now, even a superficial look at the compound shows us that Huts 104 and 5 are closest to the woods. The first tunnel goes out from 105, directly east under the vorlager, the cooler, and the wire.

Willie: But that's over three hundred feet, Roger!

Bartlett: Did you make a survey, Dennis?

Cavendish: Only a temporary one, sir. I make it just over three hundred and thirty-five feet.

Bartlett: Let me know when you've got an exact one. Willie, this time we'll dig straight down thirty feet before we go horizontal. That'll rule out any question of sound detection or probing.

Willie: All right, Roger. But did you say "the first tunnel"?

Bartlett: I did. There will be three. We'll call them Tom, Dick, and Harry. Tom, as I said, goes out directly east from 104. Dick goes north from the kitchen, and Harry goes out parallel to Tom from 105. If the goons find one, we'll move into the other.

MacDonald: How many men do you plan to take out, Roger?

Bartlett: Two hundred and fifty.

[Shocked stares]

Bartlett: There will be no half-measures this time, gentlemen. There will be identification papers and documents for everyone. And Griff, we'll need outfits for the lot.

Griffith: Two hundred and fifty?

Bartlett: Mostly civilian clothes.

Griffith: Yes, but, um... okay, Roger.

Bartlett: Mac. Maps, blankets, rations, compasses for all the walkers, and timetables for every train.

MacDonald: Right, Roger.

[Blythe enters]

Colin: Sorry I'm late, Roger.

Bartlett: It's all right, Colin. Sit down. We're going to tunnel.

Colin: Splendid.

Bartlett: Willie, you and Danny will be tunnel kings. Danny, you'll be in charge of traps, and I'll work out the exact location with you tomorrow.

Danny: Good.

Bartlett: Sedgwick, manufacturer. Griffith, I said, tailor. Nimmo and Hayes, diversions. Mac, of course, will take care of intelligence. Hendley? We haven't met. Scrounger?

Danny: Willie, since I was a boy, I hate and fear little rooms, closets, caves.

Willie: But Danny, you've dug seventeen tunnels. Over seventeen!

Danny: Because I must get out! I hide the fear, and I dig. Tomorrow night in the tunnel with all those men... I'm afraid maybe this time I will lose my head and ruin the escape for everybody.

Willie: [arriving at Stalag Luft III] How far are the trees, Danny?

Danny: Over... two hundred feet.

Willie: Yeah, I'd say three hundred.

Danny: Long ways to dig.

Willie: We'll get Cavendish to make a survey. I wish Big X were here.

Danny: Willy, you think X got away?

Willie: Well, he'd have sent us word somehow if he had.

Danny: Gestapo, you think?

Willie: Either that or he's dead.

Willie: This is the dirt from the compound.

Danny: This is from the tunnel.

[Mac takes a handful of tunnel dirt and sprinkles it onto the mound from the compound]

MacDonald: Wherever we put it, they're going to spot it a mile away.

Willie: Well, maybe we could put it under the huts. The dirt's dark there.

MacDonald: Nah. No, it's the first place the ferrets would look. I saw one measuring the height under a hut yesterday.

Willie: Well, maybe we could dry it out the same color.

Danny: We'll have fifty tons of it.

Willie: Well, I was just thinking out loud.

Bartlett: If you must think, for God's sake, think clearly. Where the devil is Ashley-Pitt?

MacDonald: We can't destroy the dirt, and we can't eat it. The only thing left to do is... camouflage it. That's as far as my thinking takes me.

[Ashley-Pitt enters]

Bartlett: Didn't they teach you promptness in the R.N.?

Ashley-Pitt: You'll never believe it, but I think I have the solution. The problem is somehow to get rid of this tunnel dirt over the compound.

Bartlett: Well, of course.

Ashley-Pitt: Would you mind?

[Eric hands Danny and Willie a blanket, which they set on the floor, while Eric gets his contraption ready]

Ashley-Pitt: Now... you fill these bags with the dirt from the tunnel. Then, wearing them *inside* your trousers, you wander out into the compound, where you pull these strings in your pockets. Out come the pins...

[Eric pulls the pins out to demonstrate]

Danny: Eric, it's good.

Ashley-Pitt: All you have to do is... kick it in. Unless you're a complete fool, the ferrets will never see a thing.

MacDonald: It's indecently brilliant. What do you think, Roger?

Bartlett: We'll try it first thing tomorrow.

Ashley-Pitt: I already have. It works.

Merle: [the Gogans have returned and want to take Pete away from Nora] Okay lady, we're gonna take him whether you like it or not. Right boys?

Grover: Right, Pa. Willie, you grab onto Pete, while I hold onto her.

Willie: You grab Pete, I wanna hold her.

Grover: I wanna hold her!

Willie: I'm gonna hold her!

[Willie and Grover push each other]

Merle: [separates them] Alright, I'll settle this: You two grab the brat, I'LL hold her.

Lena Gogan: If you think you're gonna hold her, like my boys wanna hold her, you're gonna be holdin' your head, ya understand?

Pete: Where's Elliott?

Lena Gogan: [comes out of the closet behind him and grabs him and messes up his hair] Nowhere! Your hokey pokey dragon is out helpin' Santa Claus pull his sled! Boys!

Pete: Let me go!

[Willie and Grover lift him up by his legs and Pete pounds on them and tries to get free]

Lena Gogan: You're never gonna get away again! We're gonna put chains on ya when you're workin'!

Merle: And when you're not workin'!

Willie: And when you're sleepin'!

Willie: [after being knocked in the mud by Elliott] Somethin' hit me!

Grover: What somethin'?

Willie: If I knowed what somethin', I wouldn't call it somethin'! I'd call it by its name!

Nora: [singing] Watch out, or I'll take you apart!

Lena Gogan, Willie, Grover, Merle: [singing] We'd like to see you try it!

[Willie and Joe hit the dirt under unfriendly fire]

Willie: Get down lower!

Joe: I can't get no lower, Willie, me buttons is in the way.

Willie: Good morning, Colonel!

Brad: Hi Willie. Thought you were in Hong Kong.

Willie: Oh brother, was I. I ate boiled serpents and fried ants for three weeks. What's on the menu this time, Colonel?

Col. Lancaster: Couscous, gentlemen. I hope you don't get indigestion.

[Ron is attempting to walk in the hospital; Willie is beside him]

Ron Kovic: Am I good? Hey

[drags himself forward]

Ron Kovic: , am I good?

Willie: Man, you're one crazy Marine, Kovic - so gung-ho and everything, but you don't know shit about what's really happenin' in this country.

Ron Kovic: Fuck you, Willie.

Willie: I'm serious man. It ain't about burnin' the flag and Vietnam, man. While we fight for rights over there, we ain't got no rights at home. It's about Detroit and Newark, man. It's about racism, man.

Ron Kovic: Is that right?

Willie: Because you can't get no job at home. Vietnam is a white man's war, a rich man's war.

Ron Kovic: (contemptuously) Where's my money?

Willie: I'm serious, man, you gotta read some books. There's a revolution going on, Kovic. Brothers are gettin' it together, and if you ain't part of the solution, man, then you're part of the problem.

[to Stumpy, about Cobb, as Willie leaves for town]

Willie: And you sir, you should leave this disgusting, wretched, sorry son of a motherfucker - immediately. Good evening.

Winston: Charles, why have we got that cage?

Charles: Uh, security.

Winston: That's right, that's right, security. So what's the point in having it if we're not goin' fucking use it?

Charles: Well, I would've used it but this is Willie and Willie lives here.

Winston: Yes, but you didn't know it was Willie until you opened the door, did you?

Willie: Chill, Winston, it's me. Charlie knows it's me. What's the problem?

Winston: The problem, Willie, is that Charles and yourself are not the quickest of cats at the best of times. So just do as I say and keep *the fucking cage locked!* What is that?

Willie: That's Gloria.

Winston: Yes I know that's Gloria, what's that?

Willie: Fertilizer.

Winston: You went out six hours ago to buy a money counter and you come back with a semi-conscious Gloria and a bag of fertilizer. Alarm bells are ringing, Willie.

Willie: We need fertilizer Winston.

Winston: Mmmhmm. We also need a money counter. This money's got to be out by Thursday, I'm buggered if I'm gonna count it. Just make sure if you do need to buy sodding fertilizer you could be a bit more subtle.

Willie: What do you mean?

Winston: We grow copious amounts of ganja, yah? And you're carrying a wasted girl and a bag of fertilizer. You don't look like your average horti-fucking- culturalist! That's what I mean Willie.

[the English teacher questions Willie and Phil about not doing their homework]

English Teacher: Willie, will you give us a synopsis of 'Catcher in the Rye'?

Willie: [Willie first speaks in his alien language] 'Catcher in the Rye', a novel written by the Earthling Salinger that every adolescent Homo Sapien in America is forced to read.

English Teacher: You didn't read it, did you?

Willie: Our mission on your planet is to study human behavioral patterns.

Phil: Last night, we simulated a daily teenage ritual, homework avoidance. We consumed large quantities of fermented hops and were transformed into degenerate party animal head bangers.

[Willie laughs in his alien language]

[the English teacher gives Willie and Phil a hard time about not reading Catcher in the Rye]

English Teacher: I don't care what planet you two are from, you've been pulling this routine for three years. You'll be here another year if you don't straighten out. I want that homework now!

Willie: The Earth woman seems so tense. Irritable. Too much coffee.

Phil: Not enough sex.

[as the two continue to talk in their alien language]

[Terry sees Willie and Phil sitting side-by-side together next to the gym locker rooms]

Willie: Phil. Phil.

Phil: Oh, Willie.

Willie: I hate gym.

Phil: I really hate Gym.

Willie: I really hate gym, a lot.

[Phil in the cafeteria talks to Willie about finding a weird life form with his imaginary meter]

Phil: [Phil makes the sound of the meter] I'm picking up curious life readings.

Willie: Is it human?

Phil: Unknown. It seems to be some sort of carbon-based douchebag.

[Phil holds the meter up with it alarming through his voice, as he sees that it's Greg Tolan]

Thurman Merman: I'm 21, officially a man.

Willie: You're 21 already? That's creepy.

Thurman Merman: Are you still gonna pop my cherry?

Willie: What? Fuck, no! I said I'd get it done, by somebody else.

Marcus: We've got a job. I'm talking millions, this time.

Willie: Why are you even out of the joint anyway? You know, they used to sterilize guys like you, to keep the world from becoming some negro Land of Oz.

Marcus: Early release, you racist moron fuck!

Diane: [Willing is banging Diane hard doggy style behind a dumpster in an alleyway] Tell me how dirty this is?

Willie: It's a dumpster and an ally. It's pretty fucking dirty, I guess.

Diane: [yelling] Tell me it's fucking dirty!

Willie: Okay, it's fucking dirty!

Diane: You reek of whiskey. You know the rules and your flouting them.

Willie: Flouting? I never sucked jizz out of nobody's ass.

Diane: I believe that's felching.

Boy: Why do you have two beards?

Willie: That's none of you're fuckin' business.

Willie: You outta your goddamn mind? I ain't dancing around with a bunch of candy canes and shit.

[slight pause]

Willie: Cuz I'm all about the birth of Christmas. You know, the wise guys kicked 'em out of the hotel. The ejaculate conception and then the drummer that didn't have shit to give 'em. And some perfume and the King Midas or one of them threatened to cut the kid in half, turn him into gold. But see uh, it's a heavy deal for me. Pretty damn heavy.

Diane: Are you talking about the true meaning of Christmas?

Willie: Exactly.

Willie: I traveled all the way across the USA to rob a Goddamn charity?

Willie: Spare some change. Think about somebody besides your fucking self.

[from trailer]

Marcus: [to Willie] What... You don't trust your mama?

Willie: I trust her about as far as I can throw you... And I trust you about as far as I can throw her.

Jolly Santa: I'm going to have to ask you to watch your language when you're representing the suit.

Willie: And I'm going to have to ask you to suck my fucking dick.

[a young boy is sat on his knee to give Willie his Christmas wish list]

Willie: What do you want?

Video Game Boy: I want Minecraft, Halo 5: Guardians, Rise of the Tomb Raider, Project X Zone 2, Assassin's Creed Chronicles trilogy, As...

Willie: Yeah, yeah, that's great. I don't know.

Video Game Boy: Call of Duty: Black Ops III...

Willie: I don't know what you're talking about. I have no idea what that shit is. You could be speaking fucking Swahili and I wouldn't know any better.

Video Game Boy: Grand Theft Auto V.

Willie: No, I don't care.

Willie: What can I get ya?

Stuffed Cow Girl: [thick foreign accent] A stuffed cow that moves but doesn't poop. Some duct tape, so I can build a boat.

Willie: [hasn't understood a word] What?

Willie: You just got knocked out, and I got it on film, and I'm sellin' it in da Hood for 14.99

Willie: You know, I think I've turned a corner.

Marcus: Yeah? You fucking petites now?

Willie: No, I'm not talking about that. I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself. It was like I did something constructive with my life or something, I dunno, like I accomplished something.

Marcus: You need many years of therapy. Many, many fuckin' years of therapy.

Marcus: It won't happen again. I can promise you that. Willie here has low blood sugar. That's all.

Willie: That's right. I forgot to take my pill.

Bob Chipeska: It's not just the swearing. Forgive me for prying, but did one of you, um, fornicate...

Willie: Fornicate?

Bob Chipeska: Yes. With a heavy-set woman in the big-and-tall dressing room?

Willie: Look, I've boned a lot of fat chicks in my time, sure. But, as far back as I can remember, I've never fornicated anybody.

Bob Chipeska: Yes... Well, even still, I think it's best for all parties considered if we...

Marcus: If we what?

Bob Chipeska: Well, I have somebody else interested in the position.

Willie: Before you do something stupid you might want to think about this shit.

Bob Chipeska: What are you talking about?

Willie: I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that. Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?

Bob Chipeska: Oh no, this is not a handicapped thing. I have nothing against you people.

Willie: You people? Did you hear that Marcus? He said 'You People.'

Marcus: Who the hell is us people?

Bob Chipeska: No... He said... But... what... No no. Um, I think it's best if we just forget we had this conversation.

Willie: Good thinking. And don't worry about us. We'll be fine. Let's get the hell out of here Marcus.

[Willie and Marcus get up to leave as Willie turns back to Bob]

Willie: You're pathetic.

Kid: What are their names?

Willie: Who?

Kid: The Elves.

Willie: Shit, I can't remember, I think one of them is Sneezy and there's a Dopey...

Kid: That's the seven dwarfs!

Willie: You're shittin' me? I thought... I was thinking there was a... I don't know! Fuck, kid; I just call them you know Bub, I call them... I say hey Bub or Chief or whatever the fuck, I tell them to make the god dammed toys.

Willie: What the FUCK is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?

Kid: How old are they?

Willie: You can't drink worth shit.

Marcus: I weigh 92 pounds, you dick!

Marcus: How much?

Gin: Half.

Willie: No fucking way...

Marcus: Just back off, Will, I got this. I got this! Okay, 30%. That's three of us. 30%, that's fair.

Gin: Half.

Marcus: I meant 33%.

Gin: I meant half.

Marcus: And 1/3.

Gin: Half.

Marcus: 35%.

Gin: Half.

Marcus: 40%.

Gin: Half.

Marcus: 42%?

Gin: Half.

Marcus: Um... 45%.

Gin: [Thinks for a minute] Half.

Marcus: 48%?

Gin: [In British accent] Half.

Marcus: 49%?

Gin: Half.

Hindustani Troublemaker: I am not gay!

Willie: What the hell, buddy.

Hindustani Troublemaker: Buddy? I said I am not gay!

Willie: Are you off your fucking meds or something?

Hindustani Troublemaker: Yes. But that isn't what this is about. You're as queer as a ten dollar bill.

Willie: Let me tell you something, motherfucker. My brother lost a goddamn arm fighting you fuckers in Vietnam. So I want you to look at me. I want you to look at my face one last fucking time. This is the last thing you're ever gonna see before I...

Hindustani Troublemaker: [grabs Willie and pins him against the car] Elf fucker! Motherfucker. Elf fucker! Who's the bitch now, Santy Claus? Faggy Claus! Faggy...

Kid: Leave Santa alone!

Hindustani Troublemaker: Little boy, don't interfere. I am doing this for all of us.

Kid: Leave Santa alone!

Hindustani Troublemaker: [Willie pulls free. Hindustani Troublemaker turns to leave] Ass clown.

Gin: We split the dough right down the middle. Any merchendise you take, I get to look at and cherry pick.

Marcus: No. Money is one thing but you ain't getting the sh...

Gin: This ain't no Chinese menu, jagoff! I tell YOU how it's gonna be. This is pricks fix!

[Exits]

Willie: Pricks fix?

Marcus: Ah, he's a fucking moron.

Willie: Oh really? Is that how you got the upper hand?

Marcus: Fuck you.

Willie: Negotiating?

Marcus: You don't like it? Next year, fuck off. I can always get another box jockey.

Willie: Yeah and I can get another midget too.

Marcus: Yeah? Where? You see us hanging off of fucking trees like fucking crab apples?

Willie: [narrating] I've been to prison once, I've been married - twice. I was once drafted by Lyndon Johnson and had to live in shit-ass Mexico for 2 1/2 years for no reason. I've had my eye socket punched in, a kidney taken out and I got a bone-chip in my ankle that's never gonna heal. I've seen some pretty shitty situations in my life, but nothing has ever sucked more ass than this!

Kid: You are really Santa, right?

Willie: No, I'm an accountant. I wear this fucking thing as a fashion statement, alright?

Willie: I said, "Next," goddamn it! This is not the DMV!

Sue: I've always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn't notice. It's like some deep-seeded childhood thing.

Willie: So is my thing for tits.

Willie: Why don't you wish in one hand, and shit in the other. See which one fills up first.

Marcus: You fuck her?

Willie: Jesus Christ! Is everything fuckin' sex with you?

Marcus: With me? I fuck one person! I ain't out there serial fornicatin', tryin' to float my liver, drinkin' myself silly, cuz I can't stand what a piece of shit I am.

Willie: What are you, Sigmund Sawed-Off Fuckin' Freud?

Marcus: More booze, more bullshit, more butt-fucking

Willie: Sure, the 3 B's.

Willie: You ain't gonna shit right for a week!

Kid: Your beard's not real.

Willie: No Shit!It was real, but I got sick and all the hair fell out.

Kid: How come?

Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.

Kid: Mrs. Santa?

Willie: No it was her sister.

Kid: [while Willie is trying to sleep] Want cookies?

Willie: No.

Kid: Want milk?

Willie: No.

Kid: Want me to fix you some sandwiches?

Willie: What the fuck is it with you and fixin' fuckin' sandwiches?

Kid: Why do you need a car?

Willie: What the fuck are you talking about?

Kid: This car.

Willie: Which turn is it?

Kid: Sage Terrace. Where's your sleigh?

Willie: It's in the shop, getting repaired.

Kid: Where are the reindeer?

Willie: I stabled them. Is it left or right?

Kid: That way. Where's the stable?

Willie: Next to the shop.

Kid: How do they sleep?

Willie: Who? The reindeer? Standing up.

Kid: But the noise. How do they sleep?

Willie: What noise?

Kid: From the shop.

Willie: They only work during the day, all right?

Kid: I thought it was always night at the North Pole.

Willie: Well, not now. Right now it's always day.

Kid: Then how do they sleep?

Willie: Oh, shit. Sage Terrace. What is it with you, anyway? Somebody drop you on your fucking head?

Kid: On *my* head?

Willie: Well, yeah. What, are they gonna drop you on somebody else's head?

Kid: How can they drop me onto my own head?

Willie: No, not *onto* your... Would... God damn it! Are you fucking with me?

Watching Boy: [stares at Willie] I saw you at another mall.

Willie: Well, I'm happy for you.

Watching Boy: If you really are Santa, you could do magic.

Willie: [whispers] Wanna see some magic? OK, let's watch you disappear!

[shoves him away]

Security Guard: Your pants are awful baggy, you got something in there?

Willie: Yea, my dick, you wanna see it?

Security Guard: Keep pushing it, I got my eyes on you.

Willie: Things are fucked up at the North Pole. Mrs. Claus caught me fucking her sister, now I'm out on my ass.

Woman in Food Court: Look who's here! It's Santa! Tell Santa what you want for Christmas!

Willie: [yelling] I'm on my fucking lunch break, OK?

Woman in Food Court: The manager's going to hear about this.

Willie: You think you're a threat? You think you can make my fucking life any worse? Go ahead, take a shot!

Willie: OW! Watch the toenails, kid. Shit!

Willie: [from Willie's letter to the kid] Thank you for giving that letter to the cops. I forgot I asked you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would have plugged his ass. Now the cop's know I wrote it, whick is gonna keep my ass out of jail. That, plus everyone agreeing that the Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King.

Willie: I'm an eating, drinking, shitting, fucking Santy Claus.

Sue: Prove it.

Kid: Do you and Mrs. Santa have kids?

Willie: No, thank the fuck Christ.

Kid: What about the elves?

Willie: Well, they stay with Mrs. Santa. I get them on the weekends.

Marcus: [after seeing Willie dry-humping a young girl playing pinball] That's just the kind of shit that's gonna get us pinched.

Willie: She said she was 18.

Marcus: But you promised no arcades! You said you'd only hustle Big and Tall.

Willie: What, you shat me outta your womb? You're my fucking mom now? I don't need any god damn lectures outta you. I know how to keep a low profile, thank you.

[Willie turns off the alarm on a stolen BMW automobile]

Marcus: What the *fuck* is this, Mr. Low Profile?

Willie: Mind your own god damn business.

[He opens the car and a pile of empty beer bottles and cans fall out, then starts the car and drives away, shattering several beer bottles]

Marcus: [shouting] Ever hear of the Open Bottle Law?

Willie: [shouting] I'm on my fucking lunch break, ok!

Willie: Does your daddy have a safe?

Willie: Does your daddy have a car?

Willie: I'm not your fucking Da-Da.

Willie: [upon seeing the safe] Oh shit.

Marcus: What? What?

Willie: It's a Kintnerboy Redoubt.

Marcus: So?

Willie: Remember Andy Pitz?

Marcus: Andy Pitzerelli, yeah.

Willie: No, Andy Repitski. Andy Pitzerelli was Andy Blue Balls.

Marcus: Since he got married they called him Andy Pitzerelli. What's your fucking point?

Willie: Well they say he can get into anything. Anything. They say he's been in Margaret Thatcher's pussy.

Marcus: And that's a good thing? So what the fuck are you getting at?

Willie: When I was in the joint with him, he told me the Kintnerboy Redoubt can't be cracked.

Marcus: Are you shitting me? Are you telling me that after I propped you up, held you together, smiled for all those kids, danced for all those fuckin' housewives in a fucking lime green fucking velvet elf costume, that you cannot crack this fucking safe? Is that what you telling me?

Willie: No, I'm just saying it's gonna take a minute.

Kid: Should I fix you some sandwiches?

Willie: I don't want any fucking sandwiches. What is it with you and fixin' fucking sandwiches?

Kid: I wished for a purple elephant, but now I want a pink elephant!

Willie: Well, wish in one hand, shit in the other; see which one fills up first.

Kid: OK.

Willie: Is that your underwear?

Kid: Part of it.

Willie: Where the hell's the rest of it?

[the kid opens his mouth to speak]

Willie: Actually, don't tell me. I don't want to know. What do you want?

Kid: I was thinking I wanted a purple stuffed elephant, not pink. But now I changed my mind.

Willie: Yeah? What?

Kid: Now I don't want an elephant at all. I want a gorilla named Davy for beating up the skateboard kids who pull on my underwear. And he can take his orders from the talking walnut, so it won't be my bad thing.

[Santa looks at the kid in confusion]

Willie: Jesus, kid. When I was your age, I didn't need no fucking gorilla. And I wasn't as big as one of your legs. Four kids beat me up one time and I went crying home to my daddy. You know what he did?

Kid: He made it all better?

Willie: No, he kicked my ass. You know why?

Kid: Because you went to the bathroom on mommy's dishes?

Willie: What the fuck? No!

Kid: He tried to teach you not to cry and be a man?

Willie: No. It's because he was a mean, drunk, son of a bitch. And when he wasn't busy busting my ass, he was putting cigarettes out on my neck. The world ain't fair. You've gotta take what you need when you can get it. You've gotta learn to stand up for yourself. You have to stop being a pussy and kick these kids in the balls or something.

[the kid stares at Santa]

Willie: Or don't. Shit. I don't care. Just leave me the hell out of it.

Kid: Okay. Thanks Santa.

Willie: What do you want?

Fraggle-Stick Boy: Fraggle-Stick car.

Willie: What the fuck is that?

Fraggle-Stick Boy: Fraggle-Stick car.

Willie: Well I heard you. Fraggle-Stick car. Fine.

Kid: What's the North Pole like?

Willie: It's like a suburb.

Kid: Which suburb?

Willie: Apache Junction. What the fuck do you care? Now get off my lap you sit there like a fuckin retard.

[from the unrated cut]

Security Guard: You wouldn't be tryin' to hide something in those baggy pants of yours, would ya?

Willie: Just something to cripple your sister with...

Willie: [to Marcus] Why don't you get going? You'll be late for your... Wizard of Oz Candy Bar Guild.

Marcus: Lollipop Guild, you asshole. Jesus! Two-year-olds flip me better shit than you.

Willie: You saying something to me?

Marcus: Yeah, I'm gonna stick my whole fist up your ass!

Willie: [gives Marcus the finger as he walks away]

Willie: [to the Kid after asking about the Elves names]

[Yells]

Willie: What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you gotta be a fuckin test?

Kid: How old are they?

Willie: Your name is Thurman Merman?

[first lines]

Willie: Hey, can I get another drink down here?

[Deleted scene]

Willie: Why don't you go take a shower?

Dancer girlfriend: I'm a dancer, I sweat.

Willie: Well, you smell like a bum's nut sack.

Dancer girlfriend: Fuck you.

Bob Chipeska: Hi. Bob Chipeska. Welcome. Great photo and resume by the way.

Marcus: Thanks. You know, we've been at this for a long time and all, so we like to think we do a good job.

Bob Chipeska: You two are perfect for this job, truly. So, I don't want his unpleasentness affect your performance in any way.

Marcus: Oh no. We...

Willie: Performance?

Bob Chipeska: Yes. Your performance. You know, the...

Willie: Do you mean sexual?

[Bob looks up at Willie in confusion]

Bob Chipeska: Excuse me?

Willie: Are you saying there's something wrong with my gear? Is that what you're saying to me?

Bob Chipeska: I'm sorry, your gear?

Marcus: Willie...

Willie: My fuck stick

[Bob makes a disgusted look]

Marcus: Willie, take a seat. You know how your blood sugar is.

Bob Chipeska: He's not going to say fuck stick in front of the children, is he?

Marcus: No! It was just a joke. An adult joke. For us, adults. It's a joke. Just a joke.

Willie: It's Christmas and the kid's gettin' his fuckin' present.

Kid: Candy corn?

Willie: Well they all can't be winners!

Miami Bartender: Hey, asshole. How many times I gotta tell you, get out from behind my bar! Put the drink down right now. Put the drink down right now!

Willie: [gulps drink down] Fuck you.

Miami Bartender: Fuck me?

[lunges at Willie; they fight]

Willie: Ow!

[Willie is thrown over the bar; He recovers and chucks a glass at the bartender]

Willie: Fuck you!

Miami Bartender: Fucking prick.

Willie: Asshole!

Miami Bartender: Get the fuck out of here right now!

Willie: Whatcha my mom now? You shat me out of your womb?

Marcus: You said that yesterday, you stupid fuck.

Willie: Are you fucking with me?

Willie: Is Granny spry?

[Wille and the kid enter the house]

Kid: Grandma, are you spry?

Grandma: Roger, you're home, let me fix you some sandwiches!

Willie: Are you fucking kidding me?

Willie: [the kid on his lap stares blankly at him] Well, what do you want? Great. Another fucking Mongoloid. Marcus, get this kid off me before he pisses on me, all right? What the fuck are you doing, Don't fuck with my beard.

Kid: Its not real.

Willie: No shit.

Willie: Ya see, it was real, but then Santa got sick and all the hair fell out, so I have to wear this fucking thing

Kid: How did you get sick?

Willie: I loved a woman who wasn't clean.

Kid: Mrs. Santa?

Kid: No, it was her sister

Willie: That's the seven dwarfs!

Willie: You're shittin' me? Fuck, kid; i just call them you know like hey bub or chief, i tell them to make the god dammed toys

Willie: What the fuck is wrong with you? I can't remember this shit. Does everything with you have to be a fucking test?

Kid: How old are they?

Kid: Santa!

Willie: Yeah.

Kid: You're bringing my present early?

Willie: No

Kid: But I never told you what I wanted.

Willie: I said I didn't bring it, dipshit.

Willie: [Willie is being held up by the Security Guard] The hell's wrong with you? I'm trying to fucking leave here.

Milwaukee Security Guard: Pants are awful baggy. You got anything in there?

Willie: Yeah, my dick. You wanna see it?

Willie: [Willie is being held up by the Securtiy Guard] What are you doing asshole? I'm trying to fucking leave here.

Milwaukee Security Guard: Pants are awfully baggy.

[Being funny]

Milwaukee Security Guard: You wouldn't be trying to steal nothing would ya?

Willie: You're an asshole, did you know that?

Willie: Bet the store dick don't want this.

Marcus: Store dick don't want shit. Store dick's dead.

[Cut to Willie behind bar cutting limes, presumably working as a bartender]

Miami Bartender: Hey! Asshole! How many times I gotta tell you? Get out from behind my bar!

[Willie starts downing a glass of vodka]

Miami Bartender: Put the drink down right now! PUT THE DRINK DOWN RIGHT NOW!

Willie: Ah! Fuck you.

Miami Bartender: Oh fuck me?

[grabs Willie, throws him over bar]

Willie: [Throws full bottle of vodka, runs away, then turns] Aa-asshole!

Miami Bartender: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!

Police Chief: Drop the gun!

Marcus: Huh?

Police Chief: And you, Santa, drop the elephant!

Marcus: How did you get here?

Police Chief: Tipped off.

Willie: Oh, shit, that fucking kid!

Police Chief: All three of you are in so much shit, it's almost unbelievable.

Willie: Is daddy home?

Kid: He's on an adventure, exploring the mountains. He's been gone a long time.

Willie: Exploring mountains, huh? How long is he gonna be gone?

Kid: Until next year.

Willie: Yeah? What about mommy?

Kid: She lives in God's house; with Jesus and Mary and the ghost and the long eared donkey and the talking walnut.

Willie: Well, who the fuck takes care of you then?

Kid: Grandma.

Willie: Yeah, what's her name?

Kid: Grandma.

Willie: Is Granny spry?

Willie: Wish in one hand, shit in the other.

Willie: Jesus Fuckin Christ.

Willie: [snores loudly and alarm clock buzzes and plays Holly Jolly Christmas, struggles to turn off the alarm clock and then unplugs it] Fuckin' shit! Fuck you!

[throws radio]

Willie: Fuck you!

[throws beer bottle]

Willie: Fuck you!

[throws another bottle]

Willie: Fuck you!

[throws yet another beer bottle]

Willie: [in a letter to Thurman] Dear Kid, I hope that you got my present and that there wasn't too much blood on it, although there was blood on the presents you gave me which didn't keep me from enjoying it, so maybe the blood doesn't matter so much, I guess. Just in case they took it as evidence, I'm also sending you a T-shirt, I hope it's the right size. I'm healing up good and they tell me that I will soon be 100%, even with eight bullets dug out of me cause they didn't hit any vital organs, just my liver, which is fucked anyway. Hahaha. Anyways, I told the cops you had no one to take the fuck care of you so they set it up with Ms. Santa's Sister to watch you till your dad gets back in one year and three months. They made her a guardian pro tem, or some such shit. Anyway, she makes better money than bartending and seems to like you, your house, and Jacuzzi. As for my little helper, I'm sorry to tell you that him and his prune-faced, mail-order wife are gonna be exploring mountains with your dad. I hope your dad doesn't go sucking shit for them like I did. Thank you for giving that letter to the cops, I forgot to ask you to do it, but it's a good thing you did or Santa's little helper would've plugged his ass, and now the cops know I wrote it which is gonna keep my ass outta jail. That plus everyone agreeing that to Phoenix police department shooting an unarmed Santa was even more fucked up than Rodney King. Cops are treating me like fucking royalty now, which is new in my experience. They're gonna make me the sensitivity counselor, so that tragedies like this will never again embarrass the whole fucking department. Whatever. So I'll be staying in Phoenix now telling the police how screwed up they are, which is not a bad job as jobs go. They're supposed to let me out of this hospital room soon, so I'll see you when I come over and fuck Ms. Santa's Sister in the Jacuzzi. Until then, don't take no shit from nobody, least of all, yourself. Anyway, see you soon. Santa.

Willie: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable on bottom, Fred?

Fred Claus: To be honest Willie, I don't think it's gonna make much of a difference either way.

Clyde: Where do you think you're going?

Fred Claus: Delivering presents.

Clyde: No you're not! Santa is the only one who can deliver the presents!

Willie: No, only a Claus can deliver the presents, and that is a Claus.

Willie: [about Fred's slade driving] Are you sure you've never done this before? Because you drive like an absolute pro... who makes a lot of mistakes.

Fred Claus: Love's complicated.

Willie: It hurts.

Willie: Charlene, do you think it's possible we can make enough gifts to meet our quota?

Charlene: Baseball bats, lose four seconds, 55... Yeah, it is possible.

Willie: It is, but, Fred, that's not what the kids asked for.

Fred Claus: Yeah, but all that matters is that each of the kids get a toy. That they have something that they can open when they wake up in the morning. Most importantly, they all know there's somebody who's thinking about them.

Willie: What if we get shot?

Joe: [Silence] What's the difference?

Eddie: You know, it's funny... you come to someplace new, an'... and everything looks just the same.

Willie: No kiddin', Eddie.

Willie: You're sure you don't want a TV dinner?

Eva: Yes. I'm not hungry. Why is it called TV dinner?

Willie: Um... You're supposed to eat it while you watch TV. Television.

Eva: I know what a TV is. Where does that meat come from?

Willie: What do you mean?

Eva: What does that meat come from?

Willie: I guess it comes from a cow.

Eva: From a cow? It doesn't even look like meat.

Willie: Eva, stop bugging me, will you? You know, this is the way we eat in America. I got my meat, I got my potatoes, I got my vegetables, I got my dessert, and I don't even have to wash the dishes.

Willie: Here, let me tell you a joke, all right? There's three guys, and they're walking down the street. One guy says to the other one, "Hey, your shoe's untied." He says, "I know that." And they walk... No... There's two guys, they're walking down the street, and one of them says to the other one, "Your shoe's untied." And the other guy says, "I know that." And they walk a couple blocks further, and they see a third friend, and he comes up and says, "Your shoe's untied." "Your shoe's un - " Aaah, I can't remember this joke. But it's good.

Eddie: You know, last year before I met your cousin, I never know you were from Hungary or Budapest or any of those places.

Willie: So what?

Eddie: I thought you were an American.

Willie: Hey, I'm as American as you are.

[Silence. They begin driving into Cleveland]

Eddie: Does Cleveland look a little like, uh, Budapest?

Willie: Eddie, shut up.

[first lines]

Willie: Yeah.

Aunt Lotte: [speaks indistinctly in Hungarian]

Willie: Oh, hello, Aunt Lotte.

Aunt Lotte: [replies indistinctly in Hungarian throughout conversation]

Willie: Don't speak to me in Hungarian, please. No, I haven't heard from him, not for ten years. Yeah, I got your letter. Speak English, please! Yeah, my little cousin Eva. Yeah, I know, she's come - coming here and she's gonna stay overnight, when's she coming? Today? Straight from Budapest today? Ah, no. No, I never agreed to that. I can't possibly babysit for her for ten days. No, look, it's disrupting my whole life. I don't even consider myself a part of the family, do you understand? Nah, I'm sorry you have to go into the hospital. Yeah. Yeah. OK, bye bye.

Willie: [hangs up phone] Damn. Ship-uh.

Eva: [She's pulled out an old vacuum cleaner from under the bed] Willie, can you help me change the bag? It looks full.

Willie: I'm sure it's fine. It hasn't been used in years.

Eva: It looks dirty.

Willie: Eva.

Eva: Are you sure?

Willie: You know, you don't say... Like, it's really too formal to say... "I want to vacuum the floor. I want to use the vacuum cleaner."

Eva: Oh. What do you say?

Willie: Well, you say, um, "I want to choke the alligator." So if somebody comes in here, you know, you say, "I'm choking an alligator."

Eva: Okay. I am choking the alligator right now.

Willie: I got something for you.

Eva: What is it?

Willie: It's a present.

Eva: Thanks. What is it? It's a dress?

Willie: Yeah.

Eva: Oh. Thank you.

[she looks at the dress]

Eva: I think it's kind of ugly. Don't you?

Willie: No. I bought it. Why don't you try it on?

Eva: I don't really wear this style.

Willie: You know, when you come here, you should dress like people dress here.

Eva: I'll try it on... later.

[she tosses it aside]

[Eva is packing her luggage as she prepares to leave New York]

Willie: Hey, leave me some Chesterfields.

Eva: Can I get them in Cleveland?

Willie: Yeah, yeah, you can get 'em in Cleveland.

Eva: They taste good there, like here?

Willie: It's the same Chesterfields.

Eva: Yeah?

Willie: All over America. Yeah.

Willie: Man, what are we doing here?

Eddie: I don't know.

Willie: [In the car with Eddie: Willie hails a random stranger standing on the sidewalk] Excuse me... Sir? Sir!

Factory Worker: [annoyed] What do you want?

Willie: Could you come over here a minute?

Factory Worker: I'm just waiting for the bus.

Willie: I want to ask you directions.

Factory Worker: What?

Willie: Just come here, so I don't have to yell. Can you tell me which way is Cleveland?

Factory Worker: Give me a break, man. I'm just going to work.

Willie: Where do you work?

Factory Worker: In a factory.

Willie: [Turns to Eddie] Let's go.

Eddie: [they drive off] I don't know, Willie... Ah, the poor guy. God! You shouldn't have given him such a hard time. Can you imagine working in a factory?

Willie: No, I can't. Now I feel bad.

Eddie: Nah, don't feel bad.

Willie: How much money we got left?

Eddie: We got a lot.

Willie: Count it.

Eddie: Hey, Willie, why are you always telling me what to do?

Willie: Seems like if I don't tell you what to do, you don't do anything at all.

Willie: You ever been to Florida?

Eddie: Florida? Yeah, it's beautiful down there.

Willie: Uh-huh.

Eddie: You know, white beaches, and girls with bikinis...

Willie: Yeah.

Eddie: Cape Canaveral, Miami Beach...

Willie: Cape Canaveral! Miami Beach! That's right.

Eddie: They got pelicans down there, and flamingos... all those weird birds.

Willie: You been there?

Eddie: Nah, I never been there.

Willie: You're a jerk, Eddie. You know that?... Nah, come on.

Jane Lockhart: Willie? Do your characters ever... talk to you?

Willie: Sure. All the time. That's why I've got this.

[typing loudly]

Willie: Drowns out the bastards.

Jane Lockhart: I think you just want to sit and write while you stare at my tits.

Willie: They are great tits.

Willie: [discussing Mrs. Crowley] What about them nipples? She got some little raisins, or some nice big gumdrops?

Judge Crowley: That's my wife we're talking about.

Willie: Oh. My bad.

Nelson: Sorry.

Judge Crowley: Okay. Gumdrops.

Willie: I knew it!

[Lipton knocks his door and the entire front of the house collapses around him; the hole where the door was saves him from certain death. He wanders away dazed. Willie pulls up in her car]

Willie: What's wrong?

Lipton: I come from a broken home.

Vic Spanner: [there is anger at the loss of the tea round] It's another a little prod at the very vitals of your personal freedom.

Chloe Moore: I never noticed anyone prodding at my vitals!

Ernie: Good for you, Chloe.

Willie: Any time for you, Chloe!

Uncle Tadpole: Who likes Rolf Harris?

Willie: I hate Rolf Harris!

Slippery: Who is Rolf Harris?

Willie: Lady, let me in!

Grandma: You go away! I got a meat cleaver here, and I know how to use it!

Willie: Do you care if I feel YOUR muscle, too?

Ronnie Jackson: No, go ahead. Look around. It's there someplace.

Willie: Oh, ho, there it is.

Ronnie Jackson: That's it.

Willie: [surprised and disappointed] It's just like a woman's.

Willie: [to Calogero] What is it, li'l white motherfucker?

Willie: It's just a moment. We're here. Then we're not here. We're somewhere else... maybe. And it's as natural as breathing. Why should we be scared?

Willie: I'm not scared.

Braddock: You gotta be.

Willie: Why? Cause everyone else is?

Myron: You've got nothing to smile about mate, if you knew.

Willie: If I knew?

[to Braddock]

Willie: He thinks I don't know.

Willie: It'd kill him to thank me, wouldn't it?

Myron: Haha!

[Braddock glares at him]

Myron: No lip, you.

Willie: I'll just get back in the car then?

[in court, the barrister is asking Willie who took part in a robbery]

Willie: Riordan, Fellows and Mr Corrigan.

Barrister: Not Hopwood?

Willie: No, sir. I think Lennie had flu that day.

[chuckles]

Willie: Or cold feet!

Willie: I'll tell you something I read once, Myron. Apparently, what happens to you after death is not all that much different from what happens to you before death. Physically speaking. All part of the same process. You know? So if it's all the same, really, what's there to worry about?

Millicent: Oh, Willie, you've got to wake up. Other men are doing things, why can't you?

Willie: Well, what about our home? We've got a car and a radio and a vacuum cleaner.

Millicent: There's a mortgage on - on the home! The vacuum cleaner's worn out and the car's practically a wreck!

Willie: The radio okay?

Willie: Now, you ought not keep a loaded gun around the house like this. You can never tell. It might have bullets in it.

Willie: I kinda thought if I got in my pajamas, they wouldn't take me to jail.

Millicent: Oh, here they are now. Oh, Judge, I'm so glad.

Ronald: I had to go down to the picture show to get him.

Willie: Oh, it's Jean Harlow tonight, isn't it?

Willie: I robbed a man.

Mullens: You what?

Willie: Stuck him up. Clipped him for two Gs.

Willie: I got a sort of a press clipping here.

Mullens: Let's see it.

Willie: This fella says I got a spilt personality.

Mullens: Oh, you mean a sissy.

Willie: Oh, no, it's a term used by Psychiatrists.

Willie: Who are we going to call now?

Ellie Arroway: Everybody.

Willie: Swing Heil! Swing Heil, Peter! Swing Heil!

Portia: [Spoken to Willie in the barber shop in an attempt to embarrass her father] Father would do anything for you now... now when it's too late!

Willie: Portia, that ain't no way to talk to the Doc. We got to live together now.

Portia: [Sarcastically] Oh, yes, just a big happy family!

Doctor Copeland: [to Portia, humiliated and wanting to leave] You drive Willie home.

Portia: [Bitterly] Well, what's the matter, Father? Am I embarrassing you in front of your friend? Oh, you don't have to feel he's so much better than you - after all, you're pretty white yourself!

Willie: Well, I guess you'll be leaving now?

Billie Ellis: You're a good guesser. Goodbye, Willie. And thank you for being the only man at the Longhorn Palace that never made an indecent proposal.

Willie: Well, if I'd had my strength, I might have. Ha-ha-ha.

Billie Ellis: Tell her to sing loud and watch out for the manager's hands.

Willie: Good luck, there, Billie.

Willie: Looks like some busted ribs -

[to unconscious Clint]

Willie: does it hurt to breathe?

Julie Richards: Keep quiet, honey.

Willie: Before you experience the wonder of a s'more, you should taste a plain old marshmallow roasted.

Willie: You know my wife passed away? You didn't know that? You'd think someone woulda told you. It's all people used to talk about.

Willie: Aw, it's a gyp!

Willie: I had $3,000, but I invested in oil stocks.

Tartan Jones: What else did Bob Tell you?

Willie: Well, he said you had a funny name - 'Tart' or something.

Tartan Jones: Tartan

Willie: Yeah, that's what he said - 'Tart or something.'

Willie: Well, there must be a hundred houses like that around here.

Carl: I'm only lookin' for one. And I'm lookin' for the lady who lives in it. And when I find her... I'm going to kill her. Oh, yes... oh, yes... I will kill her.

Willie: Is - Is that what you mean by skin illustrations? Tattoos?

Carl: They're not tattoos, they're skin illustrations! Don't you ever call them tattoos!

Carl: [shouting at the lake] Now shut up now, come on now! Shut up! All you do is make noise in the world!

[speaking to Willie]

Carl: That's how you handle little things, see. You just yell at 'em and they just shut up like a clam. And that puts 'em in their proper place. Man I don't like little things. I don't like - bugs, and frogs, and spiders, and creepy crawly things that *zing* out at 'cha and bite 'cha when you're not lookin'. You know what a tick looks like?

Willie: Well, sure I seen ticks.

Carl: Yeah, well they're the worst because they find ya no matter where ya are, and they creep up ya and they suck your blood, see? Ooh they stink, those rotten things.