Wilbur Quotes in Meet the Robinsons (2007)

Wilbur: Pop quiz: Who have you met, and what have you learned?

Lewis: OK. Bud, Fritz, and Joe are brothers. Fritz is married to Petunia, and is she...?

[Makes a talking gesture with his hand]

Wilbur: Cranky? Yes.

Lewis: Tallulah and Laszlo are their children. Joe is married to Billie. Lefty is the butler. Spike and Dimitri are twins, and I don't know who they're related to.

Wilbur: Neither do we. Go on.

Lewis: Lucille is married to Bud, and your dad, Cornelius, is their son. What does Cornelius look like?

Wilbur: Tom Selleck.

Lewis: OK. Cornelius is married to Franny, and her brothers are Gaston and Art.

Wilbur: You're forgetting something.

Lewis: Forgetting? Oh, right! Wilbur is the son of Franny and Cornelius.

Wilbur: And nobody realized that you're from the past?

Lewis: Nope.

Wilbur: Whew.

Lewis: Thank you. Thank you. Hold your applause.

Wilbur: I never thought my dad would be my best friend.

Lewis: I don't even know what I'm doing.

Wilbur: Keep moving forward.

Lewis: I mean, this stuff is way too advanced for me.

Wilbur: Keep moving forward.

Lewis: And what if I can't fix this, what are we going to do?

Wilbur: Keep moving forward.

Lewis: Why do you keep saying that? And don't just say keep moving forward!

Wilbur: It's my dad's motto.

Lewis: Why would his motto be keep moving forward?

Wilbur: It's what he does.

Franny: [just before Lewis is about to leave to go back to the past] Wait Lewis, one more thing.

[Franny approaches Lewis]

Lewis: Yeah?

Franny: Just a little tip for the future, I am always right. Even when I'm wrong, I'm right.

[taps Lewis's nose]

Franny: [Lewis gives confused look then looks at Cornelius]

Cornelius: She's right. I would just go with it if I were you...

[chuckles]

Cornelius: and I am.

Lewis: Then you're absouletly right.

Lewis: [Wilbur honks the horn repeatdly] Alright, alright, I'm coming.

[heads over to the time machine and climbs in]

Wilbur: [Looks at Lewis] Well, it's not like you're never going to see them again. They are you're family after all.

[Lewis looks at the Robinson family all smiling at him]

Wilbur: [Wilbur closes the hatch and starts the time machine which takes off, Lewis waves good-bye to the Robinsons as Wilbur and Lewis go back to the past]

Wilbur: If my parents figured out I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive and dance on my grave!

Carl: None may enter lest they speak the royal password!

Wilbur: Carl, what are you talking about? We don't have a password.

Carl: Yes we do, I made one up while you were gone.

Franny: Wilbur, what have you done? How could you bring HIM here?

Wilbur: That... is an excellent question.

Wilbur: Five years ago, Dad wakes up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Wants to build a time machine. So he starts working! We're talking plans, we're talking scale models, we're talking prototypes!

Wilbur: [shows Lewis a small scrap of metal]

Lewis: That's a prototype?

Wilbur: The very first!... Or, what's left of it.

Lewis: Yikes.

Wilbur: Yeah. Dark day at the Robinson household.

Wilbur: [shaking Lewis for emphasis] But he doesn't give up!

[pause]

Wilbur: Dude, I can't take you seriously in that hat.

Wilbur: You did it Lewis, you did it!

[sees Bowler Hat Guy and gasps and attacks him]

Wilbur: I'll hold him while you run for help.

Lewis: [pries Wilbur off the Bowler Hat Guy and Wilbur is struggling to get free] Let him go!

Wilbur: Wh-what are you doing? He's the bad guy!

Lewis: No, he's not, he's my roommate...

Wilbur: What?

Lewis: [pulls Wilbur aside]

[quietly]

Lewis: Look, I want you guys to adopt him.

Wilbur: Are you nuts?

Lewis: Give me one good reason why no...

Wilbur: I'll give you three good reasons: one: he stole our time machine, two: he tried to ruin your future, and three: he smells like he hasn't showered in thirty years!

Lewis: [grabs Wilbur by the ear] Don't forget I'm your father, you have to do what I say.

Wilbur: [at the science fair after Lewis puts his memory scanner on the table]

[Wilbur pops out from underneath the sheet covering the memory scanner]

Wilbur: This area is not secure, get in.

[pulls Lewis under the sheet]

Wilbur: Have you been approached a tall man in a bowler hat?

Lewis: What?

Wilbur: Hey, hey, I'll ask the questions here.

Lewis: Okay... goodbye.

[starts to leave but Wilbur drags him back in]

Wilbur: Okay, I didn't want to pull rank on you but you forced my hand. Special agent Wilbur Robinson of the T.C.T.F.

Lewis: What?

Wilbur: Time continuum task force. I'm here to protect you.

[Lewis tries to say something but Wilbur covers his mouth]

Wilbur: Now, tall man? Bowler hat? Approached you?

Lewis: No, why?

Wilbur: [Wilbur sighs and shakes his head] I could lose my badge for this, he's a suspect in a robbery.

Lewis: What did he steal?

Wilbur: A time machine.

Lewis: A what?

Wilbur: I tracked him to this time and my informants say he's after you.

Lewis: Me? Why me?

Wilbur: The boys back at HQ haven't figured out a motive yet.

[uses air quotes]

Wilbur: And by "HQ" I mean headquarters.

Lewis: I know what HQ means!

Wilbur: Good, you're a smart kid, that'll keep you alive... for now.

[pats Lewis's memory scanner]

Wilbur: You just take care of your science gizmo and leave the perp to me.

[leaves but instantly]

Wilbur: [pops back under the sheet] And by perp, I mean perp...

Lewis: I know what it means!

Wilbur: Okay, Mr. Smartypants.

[leaves the sheet]

Wilbur: he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it! The first working time machine! Then, he keeps working and working until finally, he gets it again! The second working time machine!

Lewis: Kinda small.

Wilbur: I'm assuming that's a joke. I'm ignoring you for time reasons. This, my friend, is merely a model, because unfortunately, time machine number two is in the hands of the Bowler Hat Guy!

Bowler Hat Guy: [the Bowler Hat Guy has just gotten the time machine back] Take a good look around boys, because your future is about to change.

[heads to the past to pass the memory scanner as his own]

Wilbur: Lewis, you have to fix the time machine.

Lewis: No-no, I-I can't!

[in the past the Bowler Hat Guy has entered Invenct Co]

Lewis: What about your dad? You could call him!

Wilbur: [points to Lewis] You are my dad!

Lewis: But that's in the future!

Wilbur: There won't be a future unless you fix the time machine!

[in the past Bowler Hat Guy is showing off the memory scanner]

Wilbur: Look, I messed up, I left the garage unlocked, but I tried like crazy to fix things! But now it's up to you...

[in the past Bowler Hat guy is signing a contract]

Wilbur: You can do it, dad.

[starts to vanish]

Wilbur: Lewis? Lewis!

[flys into the sky turns into a ball of light]

Lewis: Wilbur?

[flies over the Robinson yard and is sucked into the sky]

Lewis: Wilbur...

Wilbur: [to Lewis] I'm not allowed to look at this thing, let alone drive it! Mom and Dad are gonna kill me! And I can tell you this, it will not be done with mercy.

Lewis: Wait, what does Cornelius look like?

Wilbur: ...Tom Selleck.

Wilbur: Yeah, about that. One of the time machines is broken and the other one was stolen by a guy in a bowler hat, which kind of explains the dino.

Franny: I'm calling your father.

Wilbur: It's been a long, hard day, full of emotional turmoil and dinosaur fights.

Wilbur: Mom and Dad are gonna kill me! And I'm gonna tell you this, it will not be done with mercy!

Wilbur: Ratted out by the old lady. Harsh.

Lewis: [Lewis is on the roof disappointed that his memory scanner failed, he rips out the page with the picture of the memory scanner out of his notebook, crumples it into a ball and throws it away. He sits down on a crate. Then by his suprise the ball of paper hits him in the head, he throws it again trying to figure out what's happening, and Wilbur jumps out from behind the building and throws the crumpled ball of paper back to him which lands on the crate, then jumps back to the wall next to the door] Hey, what're you doing up here?

Wilbur: Coo, coo, coo.

[Lewis picks up the crumpled ball of paper and heads over to where Wilbur is hiding]

Wilbur: Coo, coo coo-coo coo.

[Deliberatly drops the ball of crumpled paper close to where Wilbur is and Wilbur jumps back out, picks up the ball of paper, and puts it in Lewis's hand]

Wilbur: Coo, coo.

[jumps back into hiding spot]

Lewis: [throws down ball of paper] Will you quit that please? I know you're not a pigeon!

Wilbur: [jumps out and covers Lewis's mouth and starts looking around to see if anyone is around] Shh, you're blowing my cover!

Lewis: [Wilbur is still looking around to see if anyone is watching them] But we're the only ones up here!

Wilbur: That's just what they want you to think.

[picks up the ball of paper and flattens it out and gives it to Lewis and Wilbur starts pushing Lewis to the door]

Wilbur: Now, enough moping, take this back the science fair and fix that memory scanner!

Lewis: [pushes Wilbur away] Stop, stop, get away from me!

Wilbur: Maybe you forgotten I'm a time cop from the future.

[quickly shows his "badge" to Lewis which is really a coupon for a tanning salon]

Wilbur: Should be taken very seriously.

Lewis: [Lewis grabs Wilbur's "badge"] That's no badge, it's a coupon for a tanning salon!

[waving the coupon in Wilbur's face]

Lewis: You're a fake.

Wilbur: [Lewis heads back to the crate to get his notebook and his bag] Okay, you got me, I'm not a cop. But I really am from the future! And there really is this bowler hat guy!

Lewis: [grabs his bag] Agh, here we go again.

Wilbur: He stole a time machine, came to the science fair and ruined your project!

Lewis: My project didn't work because I'm no good.

[Wilbur pockets the paper with the picture of the time machine in his pocket]

Lewis: There is no bowler hat guy, there is no time machine and you're not really from the future. You're crazy!

Wilbur: [starts to head for the door to leave but Wilbur blocks him] Ho, ho, I am not crazy.

Lewis: Oh, yeah captain time travel? Prove it!

Wilbur: Uh... um...

[rubs his head]

Lewis: Yeah, that's what I thought.

[heads to the door]

Lewis: [mumbling] I'm just going to lock myself in my room and hide under the covers for a couple of years.

Wilbur: [Lewis starts to open the door but is immediatly slammed shut by Wilbur]

[kind of quickly]

Wilbur: If I prove to you that I'm from the future will you go back to the science fair?

Lewis: Yeah, sure whatever you say.

[Wilbur smiles jumps behind him, grabs him and starts pushing him to one of the edges of the orphanage]

Lewis: Let go of me! What are you doing, let go of me!

Wilbur: Okay.

[Lifts Lewis up and throws over the side of the building where he lands in the time machine]

Carl: Welcome back, little buddy. So, uh, what's up with the stolen time machine? Did you find it?

[Wilbur gives him a sarcastic look]

Carl: Apparently not. And you managed to bust this one as well!

Wilbur: It'll be fixed before dad gets home.

Carl: And how d'you suppose that's gonna hap...

[spots Lewis]

Carl: Who's that?

Lewis: Wow! A real robot! Hi, I'm Lewis!

[Carl runs screaming from the room]

Lewis: Well, that was unexpected.

[Wilbur quickly puts a fruit hat on Lewis's head]

Lewis: As... was that.

Wilbur: If my family finds out that I brought you from the past, they'll bury me alive and dance on my grave! I'M NOT EXAGGERATING! Well, yes I am, but that's not the point! The point is, your hair's a dead giveaway.

Lewis: Why would my hair be a dead giveaway?

Wilbur: That is an excellent question!

[begins to run away]

Lewis: Wait! Where are you going?

Wilbur: Another excellent question!

Carl: What do you mean don't go to the family? How can we not go to the family is this type of family crisis? By leaving the garage door unlocked, you let the time machine get stolen and now the entire time stream could be altered! That, and someone took my bike.

Wilbur: Look, I told you. It's gonna all work out.

[Wilbur has set up a model with figurines of Wilbur and Lewis]

Wilbur: First, he goes in the garage, away from everybody, I show up and give him the pep talk of the century.

[places an acorn on the table]

Wilbur: Then, he fixes the time machine...

Carl: Why is it an acorn?

Wilbur: I didn't have time to sculpt everything!

Wilbur: Wilbur Robinson never fails!... But on the slight chance that I do...

Carl: Slight chance, yeah, you know what, I'll run the numbers!

[pushes buttons and pulls levers on himself, papers start running out of his mouth; looks at the papers and gasps]

Wilbur: What is it?

Carl: Uh, well, it's not- it doesn't pertain to anything in partic- y'know, there's not necessarily go...

[Wilbur raises an eyebrow]

Carl: Uh, there's a 99.999999% chance that you won't exist.

Wilbur: What?

Carl: And I didn't want to tell you... But I did.

Wilbur: I won't exist?

Carl: And where does that leave me? Alone, rusting in a corner.

Wilbur: [pause] Nah. What am I worried about?

Wilbur: Keep moving forward!

Franny: So Lewis, are you in Wilbur's class?

Lewis: No.

Wilbur: Yes!

Lewis: Yes.

Wilbur: No!

[Franny gives them a puzzled look]

Wilbur: Well, yes and no. Lewis is a new transfer student

Uncle Gaston: Where you from Lewis?

Lewis: Um, Canada?

Tallulah: I think you mean North Montana, hasn't been called Canada in years!

Lucille Krunklehorn: Do you know a Sam Gunderson?

Lewis: It's a big country.

Tallulah: State!

Wilbur: Annoying little girl, I don't have time for this! I'm on a very important miss...

Young Franny: Don't sass me boy, I know karate!

Lewis: [after the Tyrannosaurus crashes through the wall] Why didn't you tell me you had a pet dinosaur?

Wilbur: Uhhh... because we don't!

Wilbur: [punches Wilbur]

Wilbur: Oowch!

Lewis: THAT'S for not locking the garage door!

Wilbur: Oh, you know about that?

Lewis: I know about everything.

Wilbur: Excuse me. Time Travel now, questions later!

Wilbur: [when Wilbur is showing Lewis the future] Is this proof enough for you?

Lewis: [looking around at everything] Is it ever! I never thought that time travel could be possible in my lifetime, and here it is, right in front of me!

Wilbur: The truth will set you free, brother.

Lewis: This is beyond anything I could have imagined.

[quietly]

Lewis: This means I could really change my life.

Wilbur: That's right, you can. Next stop, science fair to fix your memory scanner.

[turns around to punch in the date]

Lewis: Hey, I'm not going to fix that stupid memory scanner.

Wilbur: [the brakes screech, making the time machine come to a screeching halt] What?

Lewis: Wilbur this is a *time machine*. Why should I fix my dumb invention when you can take me to see my mom now, in this ship?

Wilbur: Uh... um...

Lewis: I can go back to that night and stop her from giving me up.

Wilbur: The answer is not a time machine.

[takes out the picture of the memory scanner and shows it to Lewis]

Wilbur: It's this.

Lewis: [points to the picture] This? You wanna know what I think of this?

[grabs the picture, rips it up and throws the pieces away]

Wilbur: What are you doing?

[runs to catch the pieces]

Lewis: I'm sorry, Wilbur. You don't know what I've lived through.

[tries to start up time machine]

Wilbur: Lewis, no!

Lewis: [fighting over controls] Let go!

Wilbur: You let go!

Lewis: You're not the boss of me!

Wilbur: Yes, I am! You're twelve and I'm thirteen. That makes me older!

Carl: What about you taking him back to see his mum?

Wilbur: I just told him that to buy some time.

Carl: Oh yeah, can't see that one blowing up in your face!

Lewis: How did you end up like this?

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship.

Bowler Hat Guy: [flashback to a Little League baseball game, Yagoobian is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Yagoobian fails to catch a ball headed his way] A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me.

Baseball player: Get him!

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: [the scene changes to Yagoobian in the orphanage] If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball! And we would have won! Do you understand?

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me.

Reporter: [over the radio] Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14 - This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson.

Student 1: Hey Goob, what's up?

Student 2: Cool binder, want to come over to my house today?

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except me.

Reporter: [on radio] Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco - Rrobinson reaches out to - Cornielius Robinson - Cornelius Robinson is now - Now here's another amazing...

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: It was then that I realized it wasn't my fault. It was yours! If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch, so I devised a brilliant plan to get revenge.

[Yagoobian throws eggs at the Robinson Industries building]

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: Robinson, you stink!

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met 'her'.

[Doris chirps]

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, you invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind... But Doris knew she was capable of so much more!

[Doris pulls herself over the lab assistant's eyes]

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: However, you didn't see her true potential...

Cornelius: Got it!

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: So you shut her down... or so you thought.

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: [Doris breaks out of her holding cell] We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris's was... well, we went with Doris's, but I made a very, very important contribution. Together we made the perfect team.

Franny: [Doris activates her night vision goggles] Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight, or else the alarm won't engage.

Wilbur: Yeah, Mom.

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: [Wilbur leaves the door ajar] I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door.

[Adult Yagoobian cackles as the flashback ends]

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: And now, all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.

Franny: [from inside the garage] Wilbur! Make sure you shut that door tight, or else the alarm won't engage.

Wilbur: Yeah, mom.

Bowler Hat Guy: [Wilbur leaves the door ajar] I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine... all thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door.

Bowler Hat Guy: [Bowler Hat Guy cackles] And now all that's left is to return to Inventco where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.

Lewis: But you have no idea what that could do to this future!

Bowler Hat Guy: I don't care! I just want to ruin your life,

Lewis: Goob! I had no idea!

Bowler Hat Guy: Shut up! And don't call me 'Goob'! How many evil villains do you know who can pull off a name like Goob? Bleh!

Lewis: Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad, but don't blame me! You messed it up yourself, you just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past and... keep moving forward.

Bowler Hat Guy: Hmm. let's see: take responsibility for my own life, or blame you? Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! "Blame you" wins hands down!

[Bowler Hat Guy cackles]

Bowler Hat Guy: This is gonna be the best day of my life!

Lewis: How did you end up like this?

Bowler Hat Guy: Well, it's a long and pitiful story, about a young boy with a dream. a dream of winning a Little League championship.

[flashback to a Little League baseball game at a sandlot where Yagoobian is asleep in the outfield; a sleepy Yagoobian fails to catch a fly ball that lands next to him]

Bowler Hat Guy: A dream that was ruined in the last inning. We lost by one run because of me.

Baseball Player: Get him!

Michael "Goob" Yagoobian: [the scene changes to Yagoobian in the orphanage] If I hadn't fallen asleep, I would have caught the ball, and we would have won! Do you understand?

Bowler Hat Guy: For some reason, no one wanted to adopt me.

Reporter: Whiz kid Cornelius Robinson graduates from college at age 14... This year's Nobel Prize goes to a young Cornelius Robinson...

Twin student 1: Hey Goob, what's up?

Twin student 2: Cool binder, want to come over to my house today?

Bowler Hat Guy: They all hated me. Eventually, they closed down the orphanage and everyone left... except me.

Reporter: Cornelius Robinson rebuilds Inventco... Robinson reaches out to... Cornielius Robinson... Cornelius Robinson is now... Now here's another amazing...

Bowler Hat Guy: It was then that I realized it wasn't 'my' fault. It was yours! If you hadn't kept me up all night working on your stupid project, then I wouldn't have missed the catch. So I devised a brilliant plan to get my revenge.

[Bowler Hat Guy throws eggs at the Robinson Industries building]

Bowler Hat Guy: Robinson, you stink!

Bowler Hat Guy: Then, just as I was on the brink of destroying Robinson Industries, I met... her.

[Doris extends her metal claw and drags Bowler Hat Guy away]

Bowler Hat Guy: We retreated to our villainous lair, where Doris spun a tale of deception and woe. Apparently, you invented her to be a helping hat, a slave to humankind... But Doris knew she was capable of so much more... However, you didn't see her true potential...

Cornelius: Got it!

Bowler Hat Guy: So you shut her down... or so you thought.

[Doris breaks out of her holding cell]

Bowler Hat Guy: We both had a score to settle with you, and while my plan for revenge was brilliant, Doris's was... well, we went with Doris's, but I made a very, very important contribution. Together we made the perfect team.

Franny: [Doris activates her night vision goggles] Wilbur, make sure you shut that door tight, or else the alarm won't engage.

Wilbur: Yeah, Mom.

Bowler Hat Guy: [Wilbur leaves the door ajar] I went to your house, snuck in the garage, and stole the time machine. All thanks to that pointy-haired little kid who forgot to lock the garage door.

[Bowler Hat Guy cackles]

Bowler Hat Guy: And now, all that's left is to return to Inventco, where I'll pass off your little gizmo as my own.

Lewis: Goob, I had no idea!

Bowler Hat Guy: Shut up! And don't call me 'Goob'! How many evil villains do you know that can pull off a name like 'Goob'? Bleh!

Lewis: Look, I'm sorry your life turned out so bad. But don't blame me you messed it up yourself. You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was... let go of the past and keep moving forward...

Bowler Hat Guy: Hmm, let's see... take responsibility for my own life or blame you? Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding! Blame you wins hands down!

[Last lines, Wilbur is still at Marahute's nest]

Wilbur: Help! Anybody! Bernard! Bianca! Where are you? Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. This is ridiculous. You can't leave me here alone. I'm gone. I am gone!

[the eggs start hatching]

Wilbur: Oh, no. Stay in those eggs! That's a direct order. Hey, you're kind of a cute little feller. Cootchie cootchie coo...

[eaglet bites him]

Wilbur: YEOW! WHOA! OHHHH!

Miss Bianca: Oh, Captain. Is this a non-stop flight to Australia?

Wilbur: Well, uh, not exactly. No. I can definitely say no. We're gonna have to make connections with a bigger bird. Non-stop? Who do I look like, Charles Lindbergh?

Wilbur: Throw another shrimp on the barbie, girls, 'cause here I come!

Miss Bianca: [whilst Wilbur drinks from a can of cream soda] We must leave tonight.

Wilbur: [spit takes] Tonight?

[coughs; laughs]

Wilbur: Come on. You're kiddin' me, right?

[laughs; opens his window]

Wilbur: Have ya looked outside? It's suicide out there!

[laughs; closes window]

Wilbur: Oh, no. Ohhhhhhh, no! I'm afraid your jolly little holiday will have to wait.

[laughs]

Wilbur: What a bunch of jokers!

Miss Bianca: But you don't understand. A boy needs our help. He's in trouble!

Wilbur: Boy? You mean, little kid kinda boy?

Miss Bianca: He was kidnapped!

Wilbur: Kidnapped? Oh! That-that's awful! Lockin' up a little kid. Kids should be free! Free to run wild through the house on Saturday mornings, free to have cookies and milk, and get those little white mustaches, you know?

[lividly]

Wilbur: Nobody's gonna take a kid's freedom away while I'm around! Nobody ain't! Hear me?

Miss Bianca: Does that mean you'll take us?

Wilbur: Storm or no storm, Albatross Airlines...

[salutes]

Wilbur: at your service!

Wilbur: Oh, I feel like I got my head in a vice.

[camera pulls back; Wilbur's head really is in a vice]

Wilbur: [whimpering] Oh.

Wilbur: Welcome to "Albatross Air: A Fair Fare From Here to There." You get it? "A fair fare." It's-It's a play on... never mind.

Doctor: I've already missed tea, Mr. Albatross. Don't force me to take drastic measures. You must relax.

Wilbur: Relax? I have never been more relaxed in my life! If I were any more relaxed, I'd be dead!

Doctor: I'm not convinced. 60 milligrams!

Nurse Mouse: 60 milligrams!

[Loads a syringe of tranquilizer onto a shotgun]

Wilbur: What? Are you guys crazy? You can't do this to me! I'm an American citizen, buddy!

Doctor: Better double it.

Wilbur: Double?

Nurse Mouse: Double, coming up!

[Loads a second syringe]

Wilbur: No!

Doctor: Prepare the patient for medication.

Wilbur: This can't be happening! I must be dreaming! Come on, Wilbur, wake up! Come on!

Doctor: Three degrees right!

Nurse Mouse: Three degrees right!

Doctor: Down two degrees!

Wilbur: No! Don't go down two degrees!

Nurse Mouse: Down two degrees!

Doctor: Ready...

Wilbur: No, I'm not ready!

Doctor: Aim...

Wilbur: [Whimpers] Please don't do this to me!

Doctor: Fire!

[Gunshot]

Wilbur: AAHH, WHOA! OH, WHOA!

Wilbur: Wait a minute. What the heck are you doing up here?

Bernard: The kidnapper took the boy and Jake... and Miss Bianca.

Wilbur: Miss Bianca? Miss Bianca's in trouble? Oh, no! That's terrible! We gotta do something. I'm very disappointed in you, Bernard. Hiding under a nest while Bianca's in danger. Let me tell you something, buddy!

Bernard: Wilbur...

Wilbur: You-you-you start searchin' the desert for, and I-I-I'll scan the coastline. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Bernard: Wilbur...

Wilbur: I'll ask the chicks on the beach to...

Bernard: Wilbur!

Wilbur: Huh? What?

Bernard: Listen. There are some chicks here that need your help.

Wilbur: Really?

[Bernard sits on Marahute's eggs]

Wilbur: Oh, no! Wait a minute. I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong. Don't even- No! Don't look at me like that. You're getting no from me! No! I will not ever sit on those eggs!

[Cut to Wilbur sitting on eggs]

Wilbur: Aw, nuts. I gotta learn to be more assertive. No is no is no. Hey - quit movin' in there.

Doctor: Forceps!

Nurse Mouse: Forceps!

Wilbur: Oh, what now?

Doctor: Spinal streculator!

Wilbur: Oh, that's gonna hurt.

Doctor: Artery router!

Wilbur: Mother!

Doctor: This is rusted tight. I wouldn't dream of using such tools. Bring me the epidermal tissue disrupter!

Wilbur: The epidermal what?

[the nurses start a chainsaw]

Wilbur: OH! OH, NO! AAAH!

Doctor: [as Wilbur escapes] Mr. Albatross, we haven't operated yet!

Wilbur: [running away] You've gotta catch me first, doctor!

Doctor: Mr. Albatross, please!

Wilbur: Cowabunga!

Doctor: [chases after him] Mr. Albatross, we must return you to the operating room!

Wilbur: [escapes to the window] You'll never take me alive!

Doctor: [he and the other nurse mice try to force him back in] Please, don't do this! Your spine needs tender...

Wilbur: [getting forced in] Ooh!

Doctor: ...loving...

Wilbur: [screams in pain] AGH!

Doctor: ...care!

[Wilbur gets forced in]

Wilbur: [groans until he smiles] M-my back!

[Wilbur stands up as we see the doctor is now in serious pain]

Wilbur: [laughs] I can-I-it works! I'm cured!

Doctor: [in pain] My back!

[his back cracks]

Wilbur: [over radio] Mugwomp Tower! Mugwomp Tower! This is Albatross 1-3 requesting permision to land. Over!

Jake: Albatross? Let's see.

[he looks at a chart of various birds]

Jake: Finch, wren, scrub bird, lorikeet, freckled duck, galah, kookaburra, parrot, cockatoo, albatro...

[reacts at its size]

Jake: Alb-Albatross? It-It's a jumbo!

[turns to microphone]

Jake: Negative, 1-3! You'll have to turn back! Our runway isn't long enough for a bird your size!

Wilbur: Not long enough? Look, pal! I can land this thing on a dime!

Bernard: Uh, Wilbur, if the runway isn't long enough...

Wilbur: Listen! You can't let these radar jockeys push you around! Just leave it to me, all right?

Jake: I say it again, mate, our runway is too short!

Wilbur: And I say it again, "mate", I'm comin' in!

Jake: Crazy Yank.

Templeton: [reading the clipping] It says "Crunchy."

Charlotte: No, that's wrong. It could start Zuckerman thinking about crunchy bacon.

Wilbur: Ohhh!

Charlotte: [sternly] Wilbur, I forbid you to faint!

Wilbur: [singing] Isn't it great, that I articulate? / Isn't it grand? That you can understand / I don't honk, I don't *eep*, I don't even squeak or squawk / When I wanna say a-something, I open up and talk, I can talk, I can talk, talk, talk, I can...

Ram: Why don't you keep it down?

Wilbur: I can talk!

Charlotte: Salutations.

Wilbur: Salu-what?

Charlotte: Salutations.

Wilbur: What are they? And where are you?

Charlotte: Salutations are greetings; it's my fancy way of saying hello.

[at the meeting, Charlotte is looking for a new message to write in her web]

Lamb: How about "Pig Supreme"?

Charlotte: Mmmm... no good. It sounds like a rich dessert.

[Templeton walks past with an apple core towards the trough, and Charlotte glares at Templeton]

Goose: How about terrific, terrific, terrific?

Charlotte: Cut that down to *one* terrific, and it will do nicely. I think "terrific" will impress Zuckerman.

Wilbur: But Charlotte, I'm not terrific.

Charlotte: You're terrific, as far as I am concerned.

[Templeton, while holding an orange peel in his mouth, smacks Wilbur's face with his tail and walks off to the trough]

Charlotte: [after glaring at Templeton] And does anybody know how to spell it?

Goose: I think it's T, double-E, double-R, double-R, double-I, double-F, double-I, double-C, C, C!

Charlotte: [Charlotte's remark, from shock back to the goose] What kind of acrobat do you think I am? It would take me all night to write that.

Wilbur: I didn't know you could lay eggs.

Charlotte: Oh yes. I'm versatile.

Wilbur: Does versatile mean "full of eggs"?

Charlotte: [chuckling] Certainly not. Versatile means I can turn with ease from one thing to another.

[Templeton returns from a night of overeating]

Templeton: [hiccups] I'm back.

[Charlotte and Wilbur glare at him]

Templeton: What a night! Never have I seen such leavings! Everything well ripened, seasoned with the passage of time and the heat of the day... Oh, it was rich, my friends, riiiiiich!

[hiccups]

Charlotte: You ought to be ashamed of yourself. It would serve you right if you had an acute attack of indigestion.

[Templeton hiccups agains and pats his stomach]

Templeton: My stomach can handle anything.

Wilbur: Templeton, if you weren't so dopey, you would have noticed that Charlotte's made an egg sac.

[Templeton gazes toward the ceiling and sees Charlotte's egg sac]

Templeton: [hiccups] Hooray for Charlotte.

Wilbur: She's going to become a mother. For *your* information, there are 514 eggs in that peachy, little sac.

Templeton: [sarcastically] This *has* been a night.

[Templeton crawls over to Wilbur's pen and hiccups again]

[a fly lands in Charlotte's web]

Charlotte: Just a minute, Wilbur.

[she climbs up and wraps the fly]

Charlotte: He'll make a perfect breakfast for me.

Wilbur: [shuddering] Ooooh. You mean you eat flies?

Charlotte: Why, certainly. I eat anything that gets caught in my web. I have to live, don't I?

Wilbur: [nervously] Why, yes, of course. Do they taste good?

Charlotte: Delicious.

Wilbur: LECCH!

Charlotte: Course, I don't really *eat* them, I drink their blood. I love blood.

Wilbur: [gasps] Oh, please don't say things like that.

Charlotte: Why not? It's true.

Wilbur: But it's *cruel*.

Charlotte: Well, *you* can't talk. You have your meals brought to you in a pail. Nobody feeds me. I live by my wits.

Wilbur: It just seems an odd sort of diet.

Charlotte: Do you realize that if I didn't eat them, bugs would get so numerous, they'd destroy the earth? Spiders are really very useful creatures.

Ram: Sheep do not play with pigs.

Wilbur: Why not?

Ram: Oh, it's a matter of status. Sheep, for instance, are highly regarded by Zuckerman, because we furnish him with good quality wool. With pigs, on the other hand, it's just a matter of time.

Wilbur: Time to what?

Ram: Till you're fat enough to kill.

Wilbur: What did you say?

Ram: Oh, everybody knows it. In the fall, you'll be turned into smoked bacon and ham. Just as soon as cold weather sets in, they'll kill you.

Wilbur: Will you play with me?

Goose: I'm no flibberty-ibberty-gibbit! I'm staying here and hatching my goslings.

[after the goose's eggs have hatched]

Wilbur: Congratulations! How many are there?

Goose: There are seven.

Charlotte: Seven is a lucky number.

Goose: Luck has nothing to do with it! It was good management and hard work!

Templeton: [looking at a solitary unhatched egg] Why didn't, uh, this one hatch?

Goose: [gloomily] It's a dud, I guess.

Templeton: What are you going to do with it?

Goose: [sternly] You can have it. Roll it away and add it to that nasty collection of yours! Be careful - a rotten egg can be a regular stink bomb!

Templeton: [patting the egg] I know what I'm doing. I handle stuff like this all the time.

[Templeton rolls the egg away and buries it in his hole]

Wilbur: Are you writers?

Charlotte's daughters: No, but we will be when we grow up.

Wilbur: Then write this in your webs, when you learn: This hallowed doorway was once the home of Charlotte. She was brilliant, beautiful, and loyal to the end. Her memory will be treasured forever.

Charlotte's daughters: Ooh, that would take us a lifetime.

Wilbur: A lifetime. That's what we have.

Wilbur: I think you're beautiful.

Charlotte: Well, I am pretty. Nearly all spiders are good looking. I'm not as flashy as some, but I'll do.

Charlotte: Do you want a friend?

Wilbur: Yes! I want a friend, but I want to live, too.

Goose: You have a good home home here. Why aren't you happy happy happy?

Wilbur: I miss Fern.

Charlotte A. Cavatica: Goodbye... my sweet, sweet Wilbur.

Wilbur: Goodbye, Charlotte. I love you.

Wilbur: [looking at Charlotte's new web, at the fair] It's a great word. It's just...

Charlotte A. Cavatica: Just what?

Wilbur: Is it the right word? Is it true? 'cause I don't really feel like I deserve any of the things you've written about me.

Charlotte A. Cavatica: Then it is the *perfect* word.

[Charlotte looks up at her web, which says "HUMBLE"]

Templeton: You're a pig! Pig equals slop. The rat is happy!

Wilbur: My name's Wilbur! Do you have a name or is it just 'The Rat'?

Templeton: Did you say 'just the rat'? For your information, pig: The rat rules! We were here long before your kind and we'll be here long after. So, you just keep that in mind next time you feel like reducing me to just 'the rat'.

Wilbur: You called yourself 'The Rat'.

Templeton: I can call me that. You can't.

Wilbur: So you eat flies?

Charlotte A. Cavatica: No... no, no. I drink their blood.

Ike: [faints]

Templeton: Look at her! Don't you think she's a little... uh... what's the word? EW!

Wilbur: I think she's beautiful.

Charlotte A. Cavatica: Wilbur, we're born, we live, and when our time comes, we die. It's just the natural cycle of life.

Wilbur: No! No! Just climb down. I'll carry you the rest of the way! We'll go back to the barn and I'll take care of you!

Charlotte A. Cavatica: No, Wilbur. I don't even have the strength to climb down.

Wilbur: You have to. You've done so much for me!

Charlotte A. Cavatica: And it was my great pleasure.

Wilbur: Since you said salu-what, does this mean you're my friend?

Charlotte A. Cavatica: Well, let me think... Hmmm... Well... Yes.

Wilbur: Ya-hooo!

[repeated line]

Wilbur: Great name!

Wilbur: Templeton, Charlotte is very sick.

Templeton: Yeah, and twisted.

Wilbur: [Wilber bangs his head into the fence and runs]

Golly the Goose: [Flies to the fence, lands on it and stops] Run pig! Be free! I would if I could.

Gussy the Goose: [Golly goes back inside the barn] Golly, did I hear you say you would be free if you could?

Golly the Goose: I meant if I were a pig.

Wilbur: [about Charlotte] She's dying! She can't go home with us. So I need you to help me take her egg sac with us.

Templeton: Did you say "eggs"?

Wilbur: It's an egg *sac*, and it's right up there, and it has her children in it. And I can't just leave it here. What if something happened to them? Now, I can't reach it, so I need you to get it for me. And I need you to do it now!

Templeton: I don't think I like your tone.

Wilbur: Can't you just once in your life think of someone other than yourself?

Templeton: Once? Once?

Wilbur: Come on.

Templeton: No, you come on! Who got his hindquarters pecked to make you "radiant," huh? Templeton, that's who. And who interrupted the gorging of a lifetime so you could be "humble"? Why, I think it was... Templeton! Templeton, Templeton, Tem-ple-ton! And do I get thanked? No! Well, has it ever occurred to you that even a rat might like a little appreciation? A little, dare I say, love?

Wilbur: Do it and you'll get dibs on my slop for the rest of my life.

Templeton: Done.

Wilbur: Joy, Aranea, Nellie, you have chosen a hallowed doorway, in which to spin your webs. This was your mother's doorway. She was loyal, brilliant, beautiful, and she was my friend. I will treasure her memory forever. So, to you, her daughters, I pledge my friendship.

Amber Von Tussle: That girl's got roaches in her hair!

Edna Turnblad: Roaches? Our little Tracy's a clean teen!

Wilbur: There's no bugs on our baby!

Amber Von Tussle: I'm not kidding. I just saw one!

Wilbur: Tracy, we all have responsibilities in life. You may think owning The Hardy Har Joke Shop is all drudgery. Unwrapping dribble glasses, checking doggy doo, but I love it.

Chick Young: What I'd like to know is, what does he got they I haven't got?

Dr. Sandra Mornay: A brain.

Wilbur: [flattered] Oh, a brain.

Chick Young: I'd like to know where it is.

Larry Talbot: I know you'll think I'm crazy, but in a half an hour the moon will rise and I'll turn into a wolf.

Wilbur: You and twenty million other guys.

Larry Talbot: [slamming Wilbur into a locker with Chick going in behind him] Listen! I might tear you limb from limb!

Wilbur: [turning to Chick in the locker] Is that serious?

Chick Young: He'll murder ya!

Wilbur: [turns to Talbot] That's serious.

Wilbur: You can have Sandra but make sure you get plenty of bandages.

Chick Young: Now listen, Talbot. Enough is enough. Now Wilbur's scared to death. Hello? Hello? He's gone.

Wilbur: So am I.

Chick Young: No you don't come here. I'm gonna settle this thing once and for all. We'll search this place.

Wilbur: Look Chick, it's a little past sunset and if Dracula is here he's gonna be wanting breakfast, and I'm fatter than you, and it ain't gonna be me.

Rusty Wells: Where is she? Where's Valerie? Is she all right?

Wilbur: Yeah, she's all right but we woun't be as soon as Big Frank gets wind of this.

Rusty Wells: I'm not worried about Big Frank. I gotta find her and explain.

Doc: What have you got to explain?

Andy: Wait a minute. How come all of a sudden you're so worried about her?

[Rusty sheepishly looks at them as they all quickly figure out that he and Valerie are now romanticaly involved]

Wilbur: No... it can't be.

Doc: You mean you and her... him and her...?

Andy: The King is dead!

'Wolf Call' O'Brien: Hey, Rusty! How'd you get out?

Andy: What out? He's trying to get in!

'Wolf Call' O'Brien: [to Rusty] You mean you want to be in jail?

Wilbur: It's to see a girl.

Doc: But he can't get in. It's impossible.

'Wolf Call' O'Brien: Interesting problem. Very interesting. A jail-break going the other way.

Harbour: Wilbur. When you were dead... what was it like?

Wilbur: Harbour, you've got a hangover. You're not going to die.

Harbour: Of course not. I know that. But what was it like?

Wilbur: What do you mean?

Harbour: Is there anything there? Is there some kind of huge white light?

Wilbur: It's as dull as ditchwater. There's nothing. Just blackness and utter silence. It's a bit like being in Wales.

Wilbur: Where are you parents?

Mary: My mum's asleep. And my dad... doesn't exist.

Wilbur: You licked my ear. I'd have bought a dog if I wanted my ear licked.

Wilbur: Horst. Is that German for "sausage"?

Horst: No. But it's close.

Wilbur: It's a snowbeast.

Moira: Wilbur, what do you think would happen, in a broad sociological sense, if we all went around killing ourselves?

Wilbur: There'd be no more group.

Wilbur: You know, it gets more and more humiliating every time I survive. Why did you have to crash in? Why do you always stick your nose in?

Harbour: But you phoned!

Wilbur: Are you in any way related to the man they called Horst?

Horst: I believe so, yes. Somewhere on my mother's side.

Lisa Dubois: [the campers smoke a joint] Wilbur, did you treat this weed?

Wilbur: Only with respect, baby.

Wilbur: It's party time!

[pulls out a stash of weed]

Lisa Dubois: What is that?

Andy: Colombian?

Bob: Jamaican?

Lisa Dubois: Swiss?

Wilbur: Only the best... New Jersey.

Bob: What exit?

Wilbur: You see, the right woman will always make you feel like a good man. It's not magic, but it feels that way.

Wilbur: You'll get your kids back when the gallery show is over.

Wilbur: So where do you see yourselves?

Health: Splitting up. I'd like to go with a family of realists.

Wilbur: Open-minded realists or close-minded?

Health: Open-minded.

Yates: And what about you, Emily?

Emily: I'll find my own way, which is the Lord's way. So, I guess the closeminded realists.

Yates: There are actually a lot of other options...

Emily: Close-minded realists.

Wilbur: You know, I was doing a little research on the internet before leaving. Turns out there used to be a psychotic maniac serial killer that frequented these parts.

[Tarzana grabs Wilbur to kiss him]

Tarzana: More!

Wilbur: Hey!

ECHO: Hey!

Wilbur: Stop!

ECHO: Stop!

Wilbur: I'm hungry!

ECHO: I'm hungry!

[Tarzana drags Wilbur towards her cave]

Wilbur: I don't want to go in there with you!

ECHO: Don't be a chump!

[Tarzana and Wilbur are coming out of her tree hut and are seen by Alexander]

Alexander: Where were you last night? What happened? Whose fault was it? Answer me yes or no!

Wilbur: Yes.

Alexander: Just as I expected. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Wilbur: I was up a tree.

Alexander: Yeah? What were you doing?

Wilbur: I was doing all right.