Whitey Quotes in City Limits (1984)

Whitey: Guns are for scro's, Ray. Besides, it's a waste of good beer.

[sprays bug spray into Joe-Boy's face]

Whitey: Go fumigate yourself, crap-head!

Data: Hey McFly, you bojo, those boards don't work on water!

Whitey: Unless you've got POWER!

[laughs]

[Spike and Whitey are falling]

Spike: Keep your legs straight when you hit the water!

[Whitey lands safely in the water, while Spike hits a cement stone]

Whitey: I kept me legs straight, Spike.

[a power cord lands on Spike]

Roddy: Whatever's going on, I assure you, I'm not involved. I'm just an innocent bystander.

Spike: Rita, Rita, Rita.

[laughs]

Spike: Thought you could give us the slip?

[Slips and falls]

Spike: What are you looking at? Keep still! Come on, then! Right! Who have we got here?

Whitey: I believe he said his name was Millicent Bystander.

[Talking about Spike's hands]

Spike: They're small but these are lethal weapons, these are.

Whitey: You got your mother's hands.

Toad: Prepare to meet you maker. Your... "ice maker".

Whitey: Hah hah, makes me laugh every time, that one.

Spike: Blimy, it's cold.

Whitey: That's why I wore me mittens.

Spike: Wha... Hitmen don't wear mittens! Take them off! You're embarrasing me!

Whitey: It's all right for you. You've got little hands. They don't freeze as much.

Rita: What are you, some kind of rat boomerang? Give me back my ruby!

Roddy: I haven't got your ruby!

[the ruby falls on his hand]

Roddy: Okay. Well, now I've got your ruby.

Whitey: Are you sure about this, Spike? These things are dangerous.

Spike: Danger is my middle name!

Whitey: I thougth it was Lesley.

Whitey: It's just that curry you had last night, Spike. I'm the same, I've got a bum like the Japanese flag.

Whitey: [after spotting the ruby in Rita'a back pocket] The booty's in the booty!

Spike: Ohhh, Whitey!

Whitey: I saw an opportunity, and I seized it.

Whitey: So you're from up top, eh? I used to work in a laboratory up top. Yeah, big shampoo job. I was dark grey when we started. Still, it cleared up me dandruff.

Thimblenose Ted: Hey guys, I just had a tipoff. They're heading west, to Kensington.

Spike: Bingo!

Whitey: Scrabble!

Spike: Enough games! To the Ratmobiles!

Whitey: Oh, I love a happy ending.

Spike: Oh, you've gone soft. I like unhappy endings, with lots of violence.

[the champagne bottle used to christen the Jammy Dodger II swings over and hits Spike; the cork pops and the bottle goes flying, taking Spike with it; offscreen crash]

Spike: Bingo!

Whitey: Scrabble! Heh.

Whitey: [Repeated line] Keep your legs straight!

Whitey: Are you - are you happy now, Spike?

Man abandoned by Whitey: [Whitey rises from table to follow Clark Gable; man she was with tries to restrain her] Hey, wait a minute! Where're ya goin'?

Whitey: Let go of me! I pick my own posies, jughead!

Big John McMasters: [walking up the saloon stairs to wash up] Hey, Whitey, I'll be back down like a spring breeze. Don't let those apes steal all your peaanuts.

Whitey: They say that with diamonds where I come from.

Big John McMasters: Yes, sir, Whitey, a brass band in a bathtub.

[she laughs]

Davey Stone: Hey, Jelly Jugs, next time you're on my court, you better wear a bra, okay?

Whitey: He was just kidding son, you got very nice boobs.

Eleanor Duvall: They were giving out free lobster bibs in the bathroom.

Whitey: That's not a lobster bib Eleanore its a germ protector for your tushey.

Whitey: That's a technical foul!

Davey: Can I prance around with my morning erection?

Whitey: If you do you'll want an automatic ejection cause that's a technical foul!

Eleanor Duvall: But I would like to see it anyway!

Whitey: Men's 11 right foot, children's 9 left foot.

[does a jig]

Whitey: At your service.

Davey Stone: So, what's good about this place?

Whitey: What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick/clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack, GNC, Radio Shack, Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo, Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like little old me, the window shopping's always free.

Whitey: Your honor, if it pleases the court, I'd like to interject for a moment.

Chinese Waiter: What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet and have I gone crazy?

Eleanor Duvall: It's a home invasion! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!

Whitey: It's okay Eleanore! It's okay!

Eleanor Duvall: Whitey, thank god you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes? They're soaking the carpet.

Whitey: Eleanore, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.

Eleanor Duvall: The criminal? Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?

Whitey: His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.

Eleanor Duvall: All right. But I'm taking an inventory of everything alive and accounted in this house.

Eleanor Duvall: Look, he already stole something! He's hiding it in his jacket.

Whitey: He's just kidding, son. You have very nice boobs.

Whitey: This is the happiest seizure of my life!

Whitey: Wow Benjamin, an etch-a-sketch, not too shabby!

Davey Stone: That's a Gameboy you idiot.

Whitey: Oh sorry I'm not up on modern technology.

Whitey: My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.

Whitey: [talking is his sleep after being knocked out, hand is in his pants] My finger's in your mouth kitty, but I don't feel no teeth.

Whitey: Shaving the chest hairs.

Eleanore: Nobody likes a unibrow.

Davey Stone: How did you get so good on the ice, anyway?

Whitey: In the '50s I refed youth hockey for a couple of seasons.

Eleanor Duvall: Until a hockey puck struck him in the back of the head.

Whitey: Nothin' a metal plate couldn't fix.

Eleanor Duvall: You were in a coma for three months.

Whitey: I needed the rest, anyway!

Davey Stone: [Drops fries on try which spells Bite Me] .

Whitey: Jokes on you tough guy! I can't read!

[Smiles]

Whitey: .

Davey Stone: Over there's my family home...

Jennifer: And the woods we used to roam...

Whitey: The only time I had sex was on the phone...

Phone Sex Lady: [Cut to room full of BDSM stuff and a subtitle that says 1-888-BOOBIES] But that was long ago.

Whitey: Now I assume you've done you're pre-game warm-ups.

Davey Stone: No, let me do them right now.

[Hold up his fists, raises and lowers his middle fingers]

Davey Stone: One, two, three, four...

Whitey: [Oblivious] That's good, but don't forget your hammies.

Whitey: [Looking at Davey's trailing going up in flames] Maybe it's a sign. After all, Channuka is the festival of lights.

Davey Stone: I should stick you on a twig and roast you.

Whitey: [now covered in excrement] The worst has happened: I'm covered in human feces...

Davey: That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off?

[Davey sprays on Whitey with a hose. Whitey is now frozen]

Eleanor Duvall: You're an animal.

Davey Stone: And you're bald!

[rips her wig off]

Eleanor Duvall: Not again.

[faints]

Whitey: You're not welcome in my house.

Davey Stone: Good, your house SUCKS!

Jennifer: Do you have to be mean to everybody who tries to help you?

Davey Stone: That's my problem!

[tosses wig which hands on the Waiter's head]

Chinese Waiter: He just a no-goodnik, and *I* am the real Kristi Yamaguchi

Narrator: Wow. Just when you started to really like Davey, he goes and has a butthole relapse.

Whitey: I'm lettin' this one go, Stone. But next screw-up, it's slammer time. Hmph.

[tries to drive away; his car is stuck in the snow; rolls down the window and calls to Davey]

Whitey: Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction!

Davey Stone: "Got any sand or rock salt in there, 'cause I need to get some..." oh SHUT UP!

[inside the airplane trailing the banner "Will You Marry Me, Bitch?"]

Whitey: It's gonna be raining wine and roses tonight.

Jamaal: I'll tell you one thing, it's gonna be raining my motherfucking cookies if this motherfucker don't stop this turbulence shit!

[Whitey and Charlie are lying in bed in a hotel room together]

Charlie Baileygates: So, Whitey, what happened to your family?

Whitey: I killed them. I hacked them up with a hammer while they were asleep. Ma, Pa, Bro, Sis. She was awake, my sis. I was just released from prison on my 21st birthday. I wasn't ready to leave but they said I had to. Fucked up law, huh?

Charlie Baileygates: Well, we can't be calling you Milky if your comin' with us, so what's your name?

Whitey: Casper, but my friends call me Whitey.

Charlie Baileygates: Uh, okay.

Whitey: You're just doing your boy scout duty! Well, I don't need that kinda stuff! I can earn my own living! I don't need you. I don't need anybody!

Whitey: [saying goodbye to his friends] Well, Leo,

[shakes his hand]

Whitey: see ya.

Leo: See ya.

Whitey: Hoodoo...

[shakes his hand]

Hoodoo Henderson: Yeah.

[sniffles]

Whitey: Now don't you go bawling!

Hoodoo Henderson: Bawling? Why would I go bawling? I'm thirteen years old!

Whitey: There's somethin' the matter with Pa. He fell on the floor and he can't get up.

Whitey: I don't wanna be any charity case! I don't want to live here and you can't make me!

Whitey: [Whitey is saying goodbye to his friends] Well Leo,

[shakes his hand]

Whitey: see'ya.

Leo: See'ya.

Whitey: Hoodoo...

[shakes his hand]

Hoodoo Henderson: Yeah.

[sniffles]

Whitey: Now don't you go bawling!

Hoodoo Henderson: Bawling? Why would I go bawling? I'm 13 years old!

Whitey: What do I get a man who can rob anything?

Alice: What about a cake?

Whitey: Nice one Britney.

Alice: That's not my name.

Whitey: You don't know who you are, so you don't know who you're not.

Alice: He sounds... fascinating.

Whitey: I've heard Harry called a lot of F-words. Fascinating's a new one.

Whitey: There's sure lot of building going on around here.

Pokey: A church, new houses, a school... I tell ya what, it's getting so civilized they'll soon tell you where to spit.

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: I had a wonderful dream. Louie, you were a free man, and you guys had $5,000, and you Gabe, you had a beautiful girl, and you Slip, you had a pile of gold.

Louie, aka Louie the Lout: I was a free man?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Whitey, Chuck, Bobby: And we had $5,000?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Gabe, aka The Klondike Kid: And I had a beautiful girl?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah.

Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: And I had a pile of gold?

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Yeah, wasn't it a wonderful dream?

Slip' Mahoney, aka 'Dead-Eye Dan McGurke: It sure was.

[hits Sach with his hat]

Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What was that for?

All: For waking up! Go back to sleep!