Wheeler Quotes in Role Models (2008)

school boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo.

Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.

Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.

[from trailer]

Ronnie Shields: Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!

Danny: I'm not Ben Affleck.

Ronnie Shields: You white, then you Ben Affleck.

Wheeler: You *are* white.

Danny: That's true, I am white.

Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.

Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?

Danny: Was it cocaine?

Gayle Sweeny: [Appropriately hugging Martin] *This* is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big.

[Hugging him from behind]

Gayle Sweeny: *This* is not.

Wheeler: Well, obviously we're not supposed to buttfuck these kids.

Gayle Sweeny: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?

Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit?

Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D?

Augie Farks: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed." "You should not be fighting." "You look like Marvin Hamlisch." You know what I say to the naysayers? I say "Nay! I am not embarrassed." "I will fight." "Who the hell is Marvin Hamlisch?"

Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting.

Wheeler: That's a good movie.

[from trailer]

Wheeler: [sits down] What up, Ronnie?

Ronnie Shields: I don't wanna take my pants off!

Wheeler: [stunned] What?

Ronnie Shields: I don't wanna take my pants off.

Wheeler: What? Whoa... Whoa.

Gayle Sweeny: Alright Ronnie, that's enough.

Ronnie Shields: Bitch tried to grab my joint.

Gayle Sweeny: Language, Ronnie.

Ronnie Shields: My language is English, and this mother fucker tried to grab on my hangdown.

Wheeler: I got my own hangdown to touch, kid

Ronnie Shields: Honky ass wanted a handful of my balls.

Wheeler: Honky... that's racist.

Ronnie Shields: Damn, she got some boobies on her.

Wheeler: You sure are a fan of the boobies, kid.

Ronnie Shields: Oh yeah. Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher". I even have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher".

Wheeler: Okay. You know, I have a theory about boobies.

Ronnie Shields: Really?

Wheeler: Oh yeah. You see, there are as many women as there are men in this world.

Ronnie Shields: True dat, true dat.

Wheeler: And every woman has two boobs, for the most part. So there are twice as many boobs as there are men. We're outnumbered and it's overwhelming. We're powerless, and we have to accept it.

Ronnie Shields: I like yo' take on boobies. And I like boobies.

Wheeler: Kid, you got a lot to learn.

Ronnie Shields: I know what I'm doin'.

Wheeler: Oh really? So you don't realize you've just committed one of the most common rookie boob-watching errors?

Ronnie Shields: What you mean?

Wheeler: Never stare at the boobies, kid. Once you get caught, the game's over.

Ronnie Shields: But how?

Wheeler: It's called training. You know, being aware without drawing attention. You don't think I've noticed those 34 C's in the camouflage tank top setting up a tent directly to the left of us? Or how about those twin cannons hiking up a mountain ridge 50 yards due west? Or the ridge itself? Round mounds of grass shaped like...

Ronnie Shields: Boobies!

Wheeler: Don't look over there. Look here. Focus... You'll get it.

Beth: Yes, Wheeler?

Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?

Beth: That's not a stupid question.

Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly.

Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.

Ronnie Shields: We are butt suck, chipmunk ass butt! We got ass butt, oh yo ass butt!

Wheeler: Come sit on, sit down! Please! Danny?

Danny: I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it invokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".

Ronnie Shields: [Ronnie sees a "KISS" pinball machine] Who are these clowns?

Wheeler: KISS? You don't know who KISS is?

Ronnie Shields: No, never heard of them. They look like idiots to me.

Wheeler: No, no, no, dude, these are four of the smartest guys who ever lived. They're these Jewish guys who grew up in New York, and they put on guitars and makeup to get girls, and all their songs are about fucking.

Ronnie Shields: I'm listening.

Wheeler: ["Love Gun" starts playing on the stereo] Seriously, this song is called "Love Gun" and it's about Paul Stanley's dick and how this girl's gonna get some of his dick

Ronnie Shields: Cool. I didn't know Jews could sing like that.

Wheeler: No, no, they couldn't at the time. That's why they had to dress like clowns.

Ronnie Shields: This got them girls?

Wheeler: Get this: they've been getting pussy non-stop for 30 years. They're probably fucking right now and they're old dudes! They put makeup on and it's all good!

Ronnie Shields: No, shit!

Wheeler: [singing] You pulled the trigger on my love gun! See Ronnie, his dick is the gun!

Wheeler: You sexy like a chocolate strawberry.

Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go.

Wheeler: This sucks ass.

Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break.

Ronnie Shields: You're my PIC, Wheeler.

Wheeler: What's a PIC?

Ronnie Shields: Partner in crime. You're my PIC. Just don't cock-block me tonight.

Wheeler: Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird fuck. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock.

Augie Farks: Why are you telling me this?

Wheeler: Why would I not?

Linda the Teacher: You have been a bad boy.

Wheeler: Oh yes I have.

Linda the Teacher: You have been misbehaving, and now you need to stay after class.

Wheeler: While this is one of my top fantasies, I need to get back to my friend.

Linda the Teacher: Are you sure?

[She takes off her dress]

Wheeler: Oh he'll be fine. He's 10.

Wheeler: It's not poison. It's got juice in it.

Wheeler: What I'm trying to say is that when I get out of prison, can I hang out with your ten-year-old son?

Wheeler: I don't have crabs! What have you been telling these kids?

Ronnie Shields: That you have crabs.

Gayle Sweeny: Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.

Wheeler: Are you the coach?

Gayle Sweeny: I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.

[First Line]

Wheeler: Thanks for everything. Guess what I did last night.

Wheeler: [Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo] You see, Ronnie, his *dick* is the gun!

Wheeler: They gave us one of those when they sent my brother's body back. My mother threw it away.

Barren: That's the problem, it doesn't mean the same thing any more. The great men and women of this country used to sacrifice their lives for this flag, no questions asked. No questions asked. If we're prepared to do anything we can to achieve our goals, then the American People can stand tall and proud once more. And America can regain its rightful place as the greatest country on earth.

[JT and Wheeler return back to the dead girl in the tunnels of the institution]

JT: I told you to keep that door shut, didn't I?

Wheeler: Why does it matter?

JT: I don't want that dog messing with her. Anybody humps her leg, it's me.

[JT gets off from humping the dead girl in front of Wheeler]

Wheeler: How's her hole doin', man?

JT: Unwilling but able... As always. We got to, uh... We got to get some lube, or something in there because she is just bone dry.

[JoAnn yells at JT and Wheeler and what they did to her boyfriend Johnny]

JoAnn: [JoAnn yells] I want to know what the fuck you did to my boyfriend!

Wheeler: [Wheeler smiles] No, you don't.

JoAnn: Just fucking tell me.

JT: [JT quietly says] Why don't we just show you.

[last lines]

Wheeler: Momma? Momma, please don't hurt me momma!

Wheeler: Hell man, I'm lookin' t' buy some WEED...

Wheeler: Hell, I'd rather take a pretty girl out into the woods than some HAIRY LEGGED OLD MAN!