Wednesday Quotes in Prince Valiant (1997)

Princess Ilene: I demand to see your king.

Thagnar: Harem.

Prince Gawain: What? You can't do that she's a princess.

Princess Ilene: Who the hell is harem?

[she's thrown into a room full of other woman]

Woman #1: [giggles] I wonder if she's a wirgin.

Princess Ilene: Of course I'm a virgin. I'm Princess Ilene of Brenwyn.

Woman #2: We all had kingdoms once. Now we are all queens for a night.

[Ilene looks around scared]

Monday: I am Monday.

Tuesday: I'm Tuesday.

Wednesday: I'm Wednesday.

Monday: And you're Thursday.

Princess Ilene: That's today. He wouldn't dare touch a princess.

[now very unsure]

Princess Ilene: Would he?

Girl Scout: Is this made from real lemons?

Wednesday: Yes.

Girl Scout: I only like all-natural foods and beverages, organically grown, with no preservatives. Are you sure they're real lemons?

Pugsley: Yes.

Girl Scout: Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Do we have a deal?

Wednesday: Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

[Wednesday is hooking up an electric chair]

Wednesday: Pugsley, sit in the chair.

Pugsley: Why?

Wednesday: So we can play a game.

Pugsley: What game?

Wednesday: [strapping him in] It's called, "Is There a God?"

Wednesday: I'm a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.

[about to bury two people]

Pugsley: Are they dead?

Wednesday: Does it matter?

Morticia: Children, what are you doing?

Wednesday: I'm going to electrocute him.

Morticia: But we're late for the charity auction.

Wednesday: But, Mother...

Morticia: I said no.

Pugsley: Pleeaaaase?

Morticia: Oh, all right.

Wednesday: May I have the salt?

Morticia: What do we say?

Wednesday: [sternly] Now.

Wednesday: Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.

Dr. Pinderschloss: Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.

Grandmama: Even with a chainsaw.

[performing abridged "Hamlet" in school play; sword fighting]

Wednesday: How all occasions do inform against me and spur my dull revenge. O, from this time forth, my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth. If I must strike you dead, I will.

Pugsley: [slashes Wednesday's left wrist; blood sprays out] A hit! A very palpable hit!

[Wednesday cuts of Pugsley's arm, Pugsley slashes her throat; there is lots of blood spraying everywhere, getting the front rows]

Wednesday: O, Proud Death. What feast is toward in thine eternal cell?

[drops both swords and falls to her knees]

Wednesday: Sweet Oblivion, open your arms!

[choking and gasping for breath, collapses, and dies]

Wednesday: [the audience sits aghast in stunned silence, covered with blood while the Addams give a standing ovation]

Gomez: Bravo!

Morticia: Bravo!

Gomez: Bravo! Bravo!

Margaret: [Questioning the absence of a Halloween costume] What are you, darling? Where's your costume?

Wednesday: This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everybody else.

[to Pugsley, who is tied up, mumbling urgently around an apple in his mouth]

Wednesday: Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing.

[she levels a crossbow]

[Pugsley is strapped in the electric chair]

Wednesday: [Cranking the switches] It has to warm up.

Pugsley: Why?

Wednesday: So it can kill you.

Pugsley: I knew that.

[last lines]

Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!

Wednesday, Pugsley: Yay!

Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?

Wednesday: He's only a child.

Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.

Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.

Uncle Fester, Wednesday, Pugsley: "Scabs".

Gomez: [Playing with the train set, ranting about Fester's finger-trap] How do you take it off? That's absurd! That finger trap was a party favor at his tenth birthday!

Morticia: [In the room below, Morticia is reading a bedtime story to Wednesday and Pugsley. She looks up at the noise] Oh, no.

Pugsley: Father's playing with his trains.

Gomez: He wore that finger-trap for two years! Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet! And the combination! AND the password! And my cigar! And he slept so well!

[Thing bangs his fist as Gomez speeds up the trains]

Pugsley: He's using the diesel!

Wednesday: [Looking horrified, as the train approaches a bridge] The covered bridge!

Morticia: [Horrified, as the train runs through a ravine] Dead Man's Curve!

[Grandmama looks up exasperatedly then continues read Gray's Anatomy. Lurch looks up as he darns his socks. A man on the train looks up as Gomez laughs maniacally]

Wednesday: It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?

Morticia: [Looks up as Fester passes through a pipe. Her eyes narrow]

[as the trains approach each other]

Gomez: Spirits above me... Give me a sign! Shall I be joyous? Or shall I be damned?

[Trains collide and explode in front of Gomez's face]

[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]

Wednesday: Wait!

Amanda: What?

Wednesday: We cannot break bread with you.

Amanda: Huh? Becky, what's going on?

Becky: [whispered] Wednesday!

Wednesday: You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides, you will play golf, and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims, especially Sarah Miller."

Amanda: Gary, she's changing the words.

Wednesday: And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.

Morticia: Wednesday's at that very special age when a girl has only one thing on her mind.

Ellen: Boys?

Wednesday: Homicide.

Young Girl: And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!

Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby, too.

Wednesday: They had sex.

Joel: Wednesday, do you think that maybe someday you might want to get married and have kids?

Wednesday: No.

Joel: But what if you met the right man, who worshiped and adored you? Who'd do anything for you? Who'd be your devoted slave? Then what would you do?

Wednesday: I'd pity him.

Joel: I'll never forget you.

Wednesday: You won't?

Joel: You're too weird.

Amanda: Hi, I'm Amanda Buckman. Why are you dressed like that?

Wednesday: Like what?

Amanda: Like you're going to a funeral. Why are you dressed like somebody died?

Wednesday: Wait.

Wednesday: We don't hug.

Becky: Oh, they're just shy.

Pugsley: We're not shy.

Wednesday: We're contagious.

Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?

Pugsley: We don't hate him. We just wanna play with him.

Wednesday: Especially his head.

Wednesday: Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic.

[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half]

Wednesday: Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.

[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet]

Wednesday: [to Pubert] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?

Pugsley: [holds up Pubert, speaks in "baby voice"] Guilty!

Wednesday: Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.

[Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine]

Wednesday: 1... 2...

Morticia: [from downstairs] Children, what are you doing?

Wednesday, Pugsley: Playing!

Wednesday: ...3!

[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers]

Wednesday: Woe to the Republic.

Wednesday: I don't want to be in the pageant.

Gary: Don't you want to help me realize my vision?

Wednesday: Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character and the Aristotelian unities.

Gary: Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.

Heather: [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.

Wednesday: Prevent them?

[lights a match]

Mrs. Montgomery: [second nanny] Alright children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question. Where is that baby?

Wednesday: Which part?

Polly/Nanny: [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!

Wednesday: [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.

[Pugsley hits a bird during archery practice]

Becky: It's an American Bald Eagle!

Gary: But, aren't they extinct?

Wednesday: They are now.

Joel: Cara mia.

Wednesday: Mon cher.

Wednesday: I'm not perky.

Amanda: That's for damn sure.

Morticia: Children, this is Miss Jellinsky, our new nanny. What do we say?

Wednesday: Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Morticia: Children, do you think we love the baby more than we love you?

Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.

Morticia: Do you think that when a new baby arrives, one of the other children has to die?

Wednesday, Pugsley: Yes.

Grandma: Well, that's just not true.

[sighs wistfully]

Grandma: Not anymore.

Wednesday: [continuing a ghost story] And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.

[all of the girls scream]

Gary: [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch, little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?

Amanda: Is that your bathing suit?

Wednesday: Is that your overbite?

Gary: Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.

Amanda: I'll be the victim!

Wednesday: All your life.

Wednesday: [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent us to camp. They made us sing.

Joel: [he is dressed like Gomez] How do I look?

Wednesday: Disturbing.

Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?

Wednesday: Physical pleasure.

Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!

Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?

Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"

Pugsley: It's a boy.

Wednesday: It's a girl.

Uncle Fester: Gomez!

Grandma: What news?

Wednesday: Father, what is it?

Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!

Joel: [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.

Wednesday: It's not binding.

Cousin Ophelia: Tramp.

Wednesday: Pugsley, the baby weighs ten pounds, the cannonball weighs twenty pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?

Pugsley: I'm still on fractions.

Wednesday: Which do you think?

Pugsley: The cannonball?

Wednesday: Very good. But which one will bounce?

Pugsley: The baby?

Wednesday: There's only one way to find out. Ready? One... two... three.

[last lines]

Joel: Poor Debbie. She was sick.

Wednesday: She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.

Joel: What do you mean?

Wednesday: If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.

Joel: How?

Wednesday: I'd scare him to death.

Joel: No, you wouldn't.

[kneels at Debbie's grave]

Joel: We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.

[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]

Joel: Do you know what happens if my mother uses a fabric softener?

Wednesday: What?

Joel: I die.

[driving to Camp Chippewa]

Pugsley: What's a Chippewa?

Gomez: It's an old Indian word.

Wednesday: It means "orphan."

Gary: Yes, indeedy, just the ticket: "Bambi."

Becky: "Lassie Come Home."

Gary: "The Little Mermaid."

Wednesday: Stop it!

Joel: [motioning to Pugsley] He's only a child.

Debbie Jellinsky: [to Pubert] Hold still, you little brat!

Wednesday: He's not a brat.

Debbie Jellinsky: [whirls around, caught] Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.

Wednesday: Fine. Rub it in!

Wednesday: Hurry up!

Pugsley: I'm coming.

Joel: Wait!

Wednesday: Who's there?

Joel: Be careful. Tetanus.

[siren sounds]

Amanda: [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.

Gary: Children, what do you think you're doing?

Wednesday: We have to see our family. It's very important.

Becky: More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?

Gary: And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.

Joel: I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.

Becky: [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?

Joel: Yes.

Amanda: I think they should be punished.

[starts chanting]

Amanda: Punish!

Camp Children: [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!

Becky: No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.

Gary: Campers? Do you know what I think are little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?

Joel: What?

Camp Children: [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.

[first lines]

Wednesday: [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.

Grandma: Dearly beloved...

Wednesday: [the cat mews and Wednesday shakes the box] Shh! Quiet!

Grandma: [starts piling dirt on the box]

Wednesday: What are you in for?

Joel: I wouldn't go horseback riding.

Wednesday: That's all?

Joel: And I wouldn't make a bird house.

Wednesday: Why not?

Joel: I just wanted to read.

Gary: [Pops in and takes Joel's book] Not on my time, four eyes. Ha ha ha ha ha!

[Wednesday reads a letter which she is holding in her hand]

Wednesday: "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."

Gary: [impatiently] Glicker, go!

[Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground]

Becky: Good try!

[Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and Wednesday finishes reading]

Wednesday: "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.

Gary: [opens cabin door] Mail call.

[handing out mail]

Gary: Addams!

Becky: [handing out mail] Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.

Wednesday: Oh, no.

Pugsley: What is it?

Wednesday: This is unspeakable.

Becky: Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?

Wednesday: This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.

Gary: A wedding? But that's great news!

Amanda: To whom?

Wednesday: The nanny.

Amanda: Get out of the cabin. I mean, I'll kill myself. The help?

Becky: I'm sure she's a very nice lady.

Amanda: I think that's disgusting. I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.

Pugsley: [menacingly] What did you say?

Becky: Campers! Group hug!

Gary: Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?

Wednesday: We don't hug.

Becky: Oh, they're just shy.

Pugsley: We're not shy.

Wednesday: We're contagious.

Gary: I'm sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.

Camp Children: Mm-hmm.

Gary: But, hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.