Wayne Szalinski Quotes in Honey, I Shrunk the Kids (1989)

[Wayne shows Diane the shrunken couch]

Diane Szalinski: [excited] Are you saying... it works? The machine works?

[Wayne nods]

Diane Szalinski: Do the kids know?

Wayne Szalinski: Well, yeah, the kids know.

Diane Szalinski: That's great!

Wayne Szalinski: No, it's not that great.

Diane Szalinski: Why?

Wayne Szalinski: I shrunk the kids.

Diane Szalinski: ...What?

Wayne Szalinski: And the Thompson kids too. They're about this big, they're in the backyard.

Diane Szalinski: *What*?

Wayne Szalinski: I threw them out with the trash.

[just as Diane grabs hold of Wayne, the doorbell rings. Wayne opens the door to two police officers]

Wayne Szalinski: Yes?

Female Cop: Did uh, you report two missing children?

Wayne Szalinski: Oh, there must be some mistake. Our children are in the backyard. Right, honey?

[Diane faints]

Wayne Szalinski: Don't worry about them, they've got the Thompson kids with them. They'll be fine.

Diane Szalinski: That's another thing I'm worried about: Amy. In the dark. With Little Russ Thompson.

Wayne Szalinski: Get some rest.

Diane Szalinski: They'd better behave themselves.

[the Szalinskis and the Thompsons sit down to dinner with a super-enlarged turkey]

Wayne Szalinski: Well, I guess we gotta carve this thing, huh?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Oh, want to use my chainsaw?

[after Wayne and Diane stop Tommy with the lawnmower]

Tommy Pervis: [innocently] Nick said I could cut it, I swear!

Wayne Szalinski: When did you see Nick?

Diane Szalinski: Did you see him this morning?

Tommy Pervis: No, it was yesterday. Really, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be so late.

Diane Szalinski: [calmly] It's okay, sweetie. It's okay. Why don't you back through our house, it's safer.

Tommy Pervis: [concerned] 'Safer'?

[Tommy stares at Wayne and Diane looking through the cut grass for the kids]

Tommy Pervis: [to himself] I thought MY folks were weird.

Wayne Szalinski: And given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads... And fuel supplies of the savings to the space program would be staggering.

Professor Frederickson: Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?

Wayne Szalinski: Well, that's right, Professor Frederickson, and that all matter is made up of not only density but of empty space, and if we can proportionally reduce the amount of empty space in any given object, we can, thereby, shrink the object.

Professor Frederickson: Uh-huh. Where's your proof?

Wayne Szalinski: When Einstein came up with the atomic bomb, did they ask him to prove that it worked?

Professor Frederickson: You, Mr. Szalinski, are hardly Einstein.

[the audience laughs]

Wayne Szalinski: I picked a name.

Professor Frederickson: You have, however, managed to shrink one thing: the size of the audience.

[stands up]

Professor Frederickson: Gentlemen, ladies, I don't know about you, but I'm going to lunch.

[leaves along with the rest]

[Wayne shows the Thompsons the shrunken furniture]

Mae Thompson: Why didn't you tell us earlier?

Diane Szalinski: Well, up until now, the machine just... blew things up.

Mae Thompson: Are you saying that that machine...?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Blew up my kids?

Diane Szalinski, Wayne Szalinski: No, no!

Wayne Szalinski: No, if the machine had blown up the kids, there'd be pieces of them everywhere...

Diane Szalinski: Wayne!

Wayne Szalinski: Sorry, but I'm positive about this. The machine shrunk our kids.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: You're the one who needs a shrink, Szalinski. You are a nut case. And I'll tell you something: I have got an air hammer in my attic, and if you did do something to my kids, there's gonna be pieces of you *all over the NEIGHBORHOOD*! Come on, Mae!

[he storms out of the house, dragging Mae after him]

Wayne Szalinski: I think that went well.

Diane Szalinski: I think we should have them over more often.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Hey, Szalinski, your lawn's beginning to look like the Amazon.

Wayne Szalinski: Yeah, producing oxygen, Russ. We all have to do our part. You know how all the jungles are receding everywhere.

Tommy Pervis: [after mowing the lawn] Nick said I could cut it...

Wayne Szalinski: When did you see Nick?

Diane Szalinski: Did you see him this morning?

Tommy Pervis: No, it was yesterday. But really, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to be so late!

Diane Szalinski: It's okay, sweetie. It's alright, go home, go on through the house, it's safer.

Tommy Pervis: "Safer"?

[sees Diane and Wayne looking for the kids in the grass]

Tommy Pervis: And I thought my folks were weird.

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: What do you take me for? A complete idiot?

[Wayne and Diane look at each other]

Mae Thompson: How did this happen?

Russell 'Russ' Thompson, Sr.: Hang on, Mae. I'll handle this. How did this happen?

Wayne Szalinski: Well, the machine analyzes an object's molecular structure; then through laser inversion, it takes all the...

Diane Szalinski: Wayne... I think the Thompsons need to see the couch.

Diane Szalinski: I called the police...

[sees Wayne with headlamps on his head]

Diane Szalinski: ... what's on your head?

Wayne Szalinski: I... was looking for the kids.

Diane Szalinski: Where? In a coal mine?

Wayne Szalinski: They're in the back yard.

[during the conference; several audience members leave]

Wayne Szalinski: ...And given that my machine can substantially reduce the size of bulky payloads and fuel supplies, the savings to the space program would be staggering.

Professor Frederickson: [puzzled at Wayne's invention] Mr. Szalinski, are you trying to tell me that suddenly size is no longer relative?

Wayne Szalinski: That's right, Professor Frederickson; and with the amount of space in any given object, we can thereby shrink the object.

Professor Frederickson: Uh-huh, where's your proof?

Wayne Szalinski: When Einstein came up with the Atomic Bomb, did they ask him to prove that it worked?

Professor Frederickson: You, Mr. Szalinski, are hardly Einstein.

[audience laughs]

Wayne Szalinski: I picked a name.

Professor Frederickson: You have, however, managed to shrink one thing: the size of this audience!

[to the rest of the audience]

Professor Frederickson: Gentlemen, ladies, I don't know about you; but I'm going to lunch.

[Professor Frederickson and the rest of the audience get up to leave; Dr. Brainard approaches the stage and stops Wayne]

Dr. Brainard: Pardon me. Wayne. Wayne.

Wayne Szalinski: Oh, hi, Dr. Brainard.

Dr. Brainard: Don't take it too hard, Wayne. It'll take time to convince people without proof.

Wayne Szalinski: I appreciate it. Thanks a lot.

Dr. Brainard: [as the two leave the conference room] By the way, you were right about the electric flea collar: the extension cord was a bad idea.