Warren Schmidt Quotes in About Schmidt (2002)

Warren Schmidt: Relatively soon, I will die. Maybe in 20 years, maybe tomorrow, it doesn't matter. Once I am dead and everyone who knew me dies too, it will be as though I never existed. What difference has my life made to anyone. None that I can think of. None at all.

Warren Schmidt: I know we're all pretty small in the big scheme of things, and I suppose the most you can hope for is to make some kind of difference, but what kind of difference have I made? What in the world is better because of me?

[Warren is on top of the motor home under a starry night]

Warren Schmidt: Helen, what did you really think of me, deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed and too nice to show it? I forgive you for Ray. I forgive you. That was a long time ago, and I know I wasn't always the king of kings. I let you down. I'm sorry, Helen. Can you forgive me? Can you forgive me?

[a shooting star passes by]

Warren Schmidt: Well Ndugu, I'll close now. You probably can't wait to run and cash this check and get yourself something to eat.

Warren Schmidt: You're not gonna believe this. We had a tire swing over there.

Warren Schmidt: Randall, what happened about that investment opportunity? You never called me back.

Duncan Hertzel: You mean that pyramid scheme?

Larry Hertzel: Let's not talk about that now.

Duncan Hertzel: All I know is I lost $800.

Warren Schmidt: [On top of Winnebago at night talking to his dead wife] Helen, what did you really think of me deep in your heart? Was I really the man you wanted to be with? Was I? Or were you disappointed but too nice to show it?

Warren Schmidt: You've got to appreciate what you have while you still have it.

Warren Schmidt: I'd like a blizzard with vanilla ice cream.

Dairy Queen Employee: Ok. What would you like on it?

Warren Schmidt: Uhh... I'll have the Reese's Pieces... and some cookie dough.

Dairy Queen Employee: And what size?

Warren Schmidt: ...medium.

Warren Schmidt: You're making a big mistake, don't marry this guy, don't do it.

Jeannie Schmidt: What are you talking about?

Warren Schmidt: The other night I had a dream and it was very real. Your mother was there and you were there and your aunt Estelle. And there was a... well, it wasn't really a spaceship, it was more like a blimp or an orb of some kind. And then a bunch of weird creatures came out and started trying to take you away, and you wanna know what? They all looked like Randall. Do you understand? And I was jumping up and down to save you.

Roberta Hertzel: You already know how famously they get along as friends, but did you know that their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I'm an extremely sexual person, I can't help it, it just how I'm wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have been always very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don't want to betray Jeannie's confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?

Warren Schmidt: Eh... no, I think I'm fine now.

[repeated line]

Warren Schmidt: Dear Ndugu...

Warren Schmidt: You can't marry him. I mean... Look at these people!