Walter Quotes in Three Kings (1999)

[Walter's wearing night-vision goggles in broad daylight]

Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off?

Walter: I never got to use night-vision.

Troy Barlow: They do not work during the day!

Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.

Walter: [pointing gun at Adriana, who is stealing his FAV] Ma'am, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHENOWTH!

[Adriana drives off]

Walter: Ma'am! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE STOP!

Walter: [about Zorgons] What do they eat?

Astronaut: Meat.

Danny: That's good.

Astronaut: Dude. You're meat.

Walter: [to robot] Get me a juice box, BIATCH!

Danny: Why'd you wish for a football? You could've wished us out of here!

Walter: I was under a lot of pressure! He was yelling at me!

[meaning the Astronaut]

Danny: [turns around] Why were you yelling?

Astronaut: [sits on the bed] OK guys. Here's the thing: I've played this game before. OK? I played it with my own brother 15 years ago.

Walter: You're a player?

Astronaut: Yeah. Just like you guys. We were fighting a lot back then. And when the game started, it got even worse. Every time we spun, we got madder and madder at one another. And then I landed on the Star Space, the same one that Walter just landed on. I was *so* mad at him that when the star passed... I made my wish.

Walter: What'd you wish for?

Astronaut: I wished that my brother had never been born.

Danny: Oh my god.

[Walter looks at Danny, then at the Astronaut]

Astronaut: As soon as I did, it felt horrible. I thought, you know if I could spin again maybe I, I could land on another Star Space and wish him back but, the game wouldn't let me. So it wasn't my turn. Walter, there are some games you can't play alone.

Danny: I'm hungry. Can you make me some macaroni-and-cheese?

Walter: Don't know how.

Danny: but, I'm hungry; what *do* you know how to make?

Walter: Water.

Astronaut: Are you telling me to leave?

Walter: Well, once you're finished eating... yeah.

Astronaut: Well, he spun me...

Astronaut: [points at Danny]

Astronaut: ...so he has to decide.

Walter: [pulls out card] Well I'm Fleet Admiral, and I'm telling you to hit the road.

Astronaut: Oh... I'm sorry... I didn't know. Oh, you know what...

Astronaut: [pulls out a card]

Astronaut: I'm Fleet Admiral too! It's just a card, bugnuts!

Walter: What are you doing?

Danny: Making mac-and-cheese.

Walter: There's no water, dummy, we're in outer space.

[Danny turns the water on]

Walter: Why're you doing that?

Danny: Beacuse I'm hungry and I know you're not goiong to take care of me.

Walter: Don't bother; the gas won't work.

Danny: [turns the stove on] Any more advice?

Danny: Wanna play Stratego?

Walter: No, you always cheat at board games.

Danny: But you can't even cheat at Stratego!

Walter: Trust me, you'll find a way.

Danny: Your're gonna leave us alone in this creepy old house?

Dad: It's not creepy, it's old.

Walter: I like mom's better.

Dad: Well, so did she and now it's hers.

[repeated line]

Walter: You're such a baby!

Walter: [reads card] Meteorites. Take evasive action.

Danny: What does that mean?

Walter: I don't know, it just says "Meteorites. Take evas...

[meteorite shoots through card]

Danny: A card came out!

Walter: Fascinating!

Walter: Don't push that button.

Dad: I have to work.

Walter: But it's Saturday!

Dad: Tell me about it.

Walter: I wish the astronaut had his brother back.

Walter: ...and then the card comes out...

Danny: Oh, the card. The card. The card. The...

Danny: THE CARD!

Danny, Walter: THE CARD!

Astronaut: I passed through a time sphincter to get here. You realize how difficult that is?

Walter: What's a time sphincter?

Astronaut: A wormhole, about yay big.

[forming a zero with his fingers]

Astronaut: You squeeze through there and tell me you're not hungry enough to eat a carpet shark.

Danny: [reads card] Rest... on... standing... astroturf...

Walter: What?

Danny: Rest on standing astroturf!

Walter: Gimme that.

Walter: [reads card] Rescue stranded astronaut!

Walter: [reads game instructions] "Zathura: Attention space-adventurers, Zathura awaits. Do you have what it takes to navigate the galaxy? It's not for the faint of heart, for once you embark upon your journey there's no turning back until Zathura's reached. Pieces reset at the end of each game. Play again and again for differnt adventures."

Walter: [of the Zorgons] What do they eat?

Astronaut: Meat.

Danny: That's good.

Astronaut: Dude, you're meat.

Danny: Wow! Outer space!

Walter: No... it's just nighttime.

Danny: I don't know, Walter... it never looked so *close* before.

[first lines]

Dad: [playing catch] Oh, man. That's it. Nice grab. Oh, yeah.

Dad: All right, Danny, your turn.

Walter: What? l didn't get my full turn!

Dad: Yeah you did. I counted. That was 25. That's what we said.

Walter: That's not fair!

Dad: lt's exactly fair. Come on, Danny. Time for your turn, then l gotta work for an hour.

Danny: [getting into place] You know, you're not the only one who gets a turn.

Walter: [miming] "The only one who gets a turn."

[last lines]

Lisa: We never speak of this. Okay? Never happened.

Walter: Never happened. Still think l have gorgeous eyes?

Danny: Walter!

Walter: What?

Walter: [subtitled version] Death gives a reason to our lives. More important then that, death creates a special value for time. If our time on earth was undetermined, life on its own wouldn't make any sense and probably we would still be living without clothes and with a spear on hand. Death is the most powerful agent in nature, it comes to take away the old and make space for the new. Our effort to avoid it and make our short stay here something slightly memorable is what motivates us. Life only exists because of death.

Walter: That's the thing about travel. It's always nice to come home.

Walter: Come on, college boy. Do the smart thing.

Walter: You know, Josh, one of these days freon's gonna be against the law.

Walter: But Kermit, you have to try! The Muppets are AMAZING! You give people the greatest gift that can ever be given!

Kermit the Frog: Children?

Walter: No, the OTHER gift.

Kermit the Frog: Ice cream?

Walter: No, no, after that...

Kermit the Frog: Laughter?

Walter: YES! The THIRD greatest gift ever!

Miss Piggy's Receptionist: She has an opening in early September.

Walter: Early September? But that's in six months!

Fozzie Bear: That's nothing. I once waited a whole year for September.

Walter: ...and then, when he thought they were alone, he said, "There's oil under this theater, see! I'm gonna tear it to the ground, see! Sweet, sweet oil, see!"

Mary: People still talk like that?

Walter: Maybe that's just how he sounded in my head.

[as Gary and Walter prepare to leave for Los Angeles]

Walter: Maybe Kermit will be there!

Gary: I wouldn't get your hopes up, buddy. The Muppets haven't put on a show together in years. I don't think they use the studios for anything but tours anymore.

Walter: I think that's just an Internet rumor, like, "There's a country called Turkey!"

Gary: Walter, how many times do we have to go through this? Turkey is a real place!

[singing]

Walter: Am I a Muppet, or am I a man? If I'm a man, that makes me a Muppet of a man.

Walter: Kermit, you're my hero. You're on my watch.

Walter: Either way, we've got to find Kermit! He'll know what to do.

Mary: How do we find Kermit? Nobody's seen him in years.

[Gary, Mary, and Walter pass a man selling Hot Star Maps in front of Pink's Hot Dogs]

Walter: [gasp] Wait, stop the car! I have an idea.

[cut to the trio eating some chili dogs]

Gary: These are delicious! Great idea, Walter.

[first lines]

Walter: [narrating] That's me, Walter.

Walter: [having a water gun duel with Gary] Where'd - Where'd you go? Oh, there you are.

Walter: I have the best life in the whole world.

[Walter laughs as he squirts Gary]

Walter: That's my brother, Gary. He's the best friend you could ever have.

Walter: [Gary and Walter have their measurements marked in the doorway with a pencil] Yeah, I know what you're thinking: We could be twins.

Walter: Here's where we live: Smalltown... the best town you could ever grow up in.

Walter: Gary and I did everything together.

Walter: [narrating] And as the years passed, my brother was always there for me.

Walter: [playing baseball] I got it! Gary, throw me! Throw me! Aah!

[Gary tosses Walter into the air, and Walter makes the outfield catch]

Walter: We were a great team.

Gary Age 6: Nice job, Walter.

Walter: Thanks, Gary.

Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.

[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]

Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?

Walter: Yeah, race you home!

Walter: Even the sunniest days can have a few clouds in them.

[Walter looks at his reflection in a fun house mirror, making him look taller]

Gary Age 9: [consoling Walter] The ride's bogus anyway. Hey, want to rent a video?

Walter: Yeah, race you home!

Kermit the Frog: And... well. that night... sorta changed everything.

Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!

Walter: I found them -

[Walter gasps]

Walter: The Muppets.

Mary: So, what do we do now?

Gary: I don't see a doorbell, and the house looks empty.

Walter: Gary, throw me over.

Gary: What?

Walter: Gary, just throw me over already!

Gary: Okay. Okay, here we go, OK...

Walter: One, two, three.

Walter: [Walter grunts as Gary gets ready to throw him over the fence] That's good.

Gary: Sorry.

Walter: No, it's good.

Mary: Guys? I think that's an electric fence.

Walter: Mary, it's Kermit the Frog.

Gary: OK buddy, head down.

Gary, Walter: One, two, three!

[Gary tosses Walter into the electric fence, and Walter screams in pain as he falls to the ground]

Mary: It's an electric fence.

Gary: Yep.

Gary: Oh, my gosh. Walter? Walter, buddy? Walter, can you hear me?

Walter: [in a raspy voice] Throw me again.

Gary: No, I don't... I don't think that's a good idea.

Walter: What kind of throw was that?

Kermit the Frog: Excuse me...

[Angelic choir voices are heard as Walter sees Kermit with a glow of light behind him; the lights and voices are actually coming from a bus that says "Good Shepherd Church Choir: 'O sing, ye righteous!' " on the side]

Kermit the Frog: You okay? That was quite a tumble.

[Walter faints]

Kermit the Frog: [from archive footage] It's The Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Steve Martin!

Walter: I found them -

[Walter gasps]

Walter: The Muppets.

Walter: [the Muppet Show's theme plays in the background] I guess you could say I was their number one fan.

Walter: [Walter opens his birthday present] Oh, Gary, it's an entire map of the Muppet Studios.

Walter: [Walter shakes the present before opening it, and then he gasps to discover a watch with Kermit the Frog's face on it] And they made all the difference.

Walter: [a kid says 'Trick or Treat!'] Because from then on...

Gary Age 13: Hey, guys.

Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: Oh, hey, Gary. Hey.

Walter: [Walter is wearing a Kermit costume] Hi-ho, guys. Yay!

Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid, Laughing Kid: [the trick-or-treaters laugh at Walter] Is that Kermit the Frog? What is this, 1978?

Walter: Even on the worst days, I knew... that as the years passed...

Kermit the Frog: [archived footage] Cancel that last remark...

Walter: As long as there are singing frogs and joking bears...

[Walter and Gary laugh as they watch reruns of The Muppet Show on VHS cassette]

Walter: Swedish chefs and boomerang fish, the world can be such a bad place after all.

Walter: Who would think something like this would happen from harmless flares and roman candles?

Steve: This bites.

All: Yeah.

Heather: We should just go home.

All: Yeah.

Steve: At least at home they have cable.

All: Cable.

Arnold: Baywatch.

Guys: Baywatch.

Walter: Baywatch.

Kermit: You mean all this time I've been trapped in a Russian Gulag, no one, not one single person from the Muppets, except Animal, noticed I'd been replaced by an evil criminal mastermind?

Fozzie Bear: It sounds worse than it was...

Walter: No, it's as bad as it sounds.

Fozzie Bear: [holds up a photo of Constantine] Check this out!

[covers the mole]

Walter: Oh, look, it's Kermit!

[Fozzie uncovers the mole]

Walter: [shrieks] What did you do with Kermit?

Walter: Do you guys think that Kermit's been acting a little weird lately?

Miss Piggy: That's ridiculous! He's never been so caring and devoted to me!

Rizzo: Yeah, that's what we are saying!

Walter: There's only one guy in this world who can save us! There's only one frog who can restore order, bring justice, and set things right!

Fozzie Bear: You are talking about Kermit, right?

Fozzie Bear: [after they discover 'Kermit''s true identity, they scream in horror] We gotta get outta here!

Walter: Yeah!

[But as they attempt to leave, Constantine is right in front of them]

Constantine: Not so fast...

Walter: Where's Kermit?

Fozzie Bear: Wh-wh-what do you want?

Constantine: You have wocka-ed your last wocka, bear.

[He prepares to attack them karate style. But then Animal attacks Constantine from above]

Animal: Bad frog!

Fozzie Bear, Walter: Animal! Good shot!

Animal: Thank you.

[first lines]

Film Crew: And cut!

Walter: Wow, that was so amazing!

Kermit: Walter, you did a wonderful job.

Walter: Thank you, Kermit. Did we get that?

Miss Piggy: We got it.

Kermit: We got it, yup.

Film Crew: [speaks into bullhorn] Movie's over, people, go home. That is a wrap.

Scooter: Okay, nice work, everyone. Make sure to fill out your I-9's, and we'll see you on the next one.

Scooter: [crew leaves the set] So uh, what do we do now?

Fozzie Bear: Well, we're together again. We got the theater and all our fans are back.

Rowlf the Dog: Actually, those were extras.

Fozzie Bear: I saw a few tapping their toes.

Scooter: Yeah, those were paid dancers.

Fozzie Bear: Oh.

Miss Piggy: Or, maybe since we're all here, now could be the perfect time for you and me to tie the knot, Kermie.

Kermit: [stammering] Well... I mean, maybe I could-...

Walter: Hey, what's the camera still doing here?

Statler: Oh no, disaster! That can only mean one thing!

Waldorf: Doggone it, you're right.

Statler: Mm-hmm.

Waldorf: It looks like they've ordered a sequel.

Statler, Waldorf: Doh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Fritz: [various "honky" members of the press are trying to screw the "negress" reporter when Fritz steps out of the truck] Ah, freedom of the press.

Crow Reporter: [various white men lying on top of her] Hey, Fritz, baby, want to talk to Walter?

Fritz: Sure. Why not?

[the crow reporter makes her way out of the pile, smacks one of the reporters in the back of the head, and pulls her panties up as an off-screen male reporter speaks to Fritz]

Walter: Fritz... does being the first to set foot on Mars ? golly - kind of give you goose bumps?

Fritz: Ahem. Gentlemen, I've been up and down the four corners of this big old world, and I've seen it all, and I've done it all. I've fought many a good man and laid many a good woman. And I've had riches, fame, and adventure, too. Yes. I've stood eyeball-to-eyeball with death countless times and never, never once squinted. Oh, I've tasted life to the fullest, and still my tortured soul cries out - more! More! Oh, shit! Oh, oh, God, can there be any more?

Crow Reporter: How do it feel, Fritz? I mean, man, like Mars ain't around the corner.

Fritz: Oh, you're so right.

[leading the crow reporter up to the space craft to have sex with her]

Fritz: Hey, would you like to discuss this in private? Gee, you got a lovely pair of eyes.

Crow Reporter: In private?

Fritz: Mm-hmm. Yeah, sure. Listen, doll, I'd kind of like to give you a break. You know, kind of help pay back for what my people did to your people.

Crow Reporter: Yeah? What kind of a break?

Fritz: Well, you know, an exclusive - an inside story.

[after watching Bobby tackle a player]

Paco: Look at Bobby tackle. I haven't seen a tackle like that since Joe Montana.

Walter: Joe Montana was a quarterback, you idiot.

Paco: I said Joe Mantegna.

Paco: Hey Walter! I bet you fifty bucks Guy Grenouille throws a touchdown pass on the first play. Check it out!

Paco: [Guy Grenouille throws an interception] Woo hoo hoo hoo! You owe me fifty bucks!

Walter: You said it was gonna be a touchdown pass, you crazy asshole!

Walter: Let's kick some names and take some ass.

Walter: Look, Annie... I love you. But let's leave that out of this. I don't want to be someone that you're settling for. I don't want to be someone that anyone settles for. Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations into it, isn't it?

Walter: [giving Annie an engagement ring] It was my mother's. I had them size it down. She had really fat fingers.

Annie: I don't deserve you.

Walter: Well, I wouldn't put it that way, but... okay.

Walter: [finding Annie in closet in a red robe and with radio] It was Miss Scarlet, in the closet, with a radio.

Walter: You bought a used lion?

[Hub and Garth are getting ready to shoot at a traveling salesman]

Walter: Why not see what he's sellin'?

Hub: What the hell for?

Walter: Well what's the good of having all that money if you're never gonna spend it?

Garth: Could be the kid has a point.

Hub: Well. We'll see what the man's sellin'. THEN we'll shoot him.

Garth: Good plan.

Stan: It's up to you, kid. We can be friends, or we can be enemies. What's it gonna be?

Walter: [looks down, thinking, then looks up] Defend yourself!

Stan: What?

Walter: If I'm gonna live here, there's gonna be some conditions

Hub: conditions?

Walter: No more dangerous stuff. No more fighting teenagers. No airplanes. More vegetables, less meat

Walter: Is it okay if I go inside and watch television?

Garth: Ain't got one.

Walter: No television?

Walter: What's wrong with him?

Garth: Well, a man's body may grow old, but inside his spirit can still be as young and as restless as ever.

Garth: And him - in his day, he had more spirit than twenty men.

Walter: What happened to her?

Garth: Looks like her heart gave out in all the excitement. She was plenty old, you know.

Walter: Look, I think she's smiling.

Garth: I guess she died happy.

Hub: She died with her boots on, that's the main thing.

Garth: Protecting her cub.

Walter: She was a real lion, wasn't she, there at the end? A real jungle lion. A real Africa lion.

Walter: Those stories about Africa... They're true aren't they?

Walter: I've been to the orphan home before. I don't wanna go back.

Walter: Has he hit YOU yet?

Mae: MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

Walter: So, you two were away for 40 years... Where'd you go?

Receptionist: [phone rings] Fort Worth College of Court Reporting.

Walter: I need to find my mom. She's a student there.

Receptionist: I'm sorry, we're closed.

Walter: It's an emergency, please. Her name's Mae - Mae Coleman.

Receptionist: [looks for Mae Colman in a little drawer] No, I'm sorry, there's no Mae Coleman registered here.

Walter: [brief pause] Oh! Try Mae Carter.

Receptionist: No, I'm sorry.

Walter: Mabel Cartwright? Made Calloway? Donna Tompko?

Receptionist: Young man, are you in some sort of trouble?

Walter: She's gotta be there! She just started.

Receptionist: Listen, our classes started back in January. No one could have possibly just started.

[Walter finds out the truth knowing Mae was lying]

Receptionist: Hello? Hello? Hello?

[Walter hangs up the phone]

Barry: I wanted to ask you something because you're a doctor... I don't like myself sometimes. Can you help me?

Walter: Barry, I'm a dentist. What kind of help do you think I could give you?

Walter: [whispering] I think we should call security.

Deb: [whispering] Good idea.

Buddy: [whispering] I like to whisper too!

Emily: We can't just throw him out in the snow.

Walter: Why not? He loves the snow. He's told me 15 times.

Walter: Who sent this Christmas Gram?

Buddy: What's a Christmas Gram? I want one!

Walter: What do you want? Some money?

Buddy: No! I just wanted to meet you and thought maybe you might want to meet me.

Walter: Who wouldn't wanna meet you?

Walter: [Buddy had just caused Walter to lose a client] You get the hell out of here.

Buddy: Where do you want me to go?

Walter: I don't care where you go. I don't care that you're an elf! I don't care that you're nuts! I don't care that you're my son! Get out of my life! Now!

Miles Finch: [pitching ideas for a book] No tomatoes. Too vulnerable. Kids, they're already vulnerable.

Walter: See, I told you guys. I told them the same thing...

Miles Finch: And no farms. Everyone's pushing small town rural. A farm book would just be white noise.

Walter: There is a house I want to buy.

Benny: Let's just cut to the chase, Okay? What do you want?

Walter: I want you to loan me $200,000 in cash.

Benny: No.

Walter: Benny!

Benny: You shout at me?

Walter: I shout at you! I need that money and you are going to loan it to me.

Benny: No, I won't!

Walter: Yes, you will!

Benny: No, No, No!

Walter: Yes, you will! I saved you ten times that in taxes last year.

Benny: So what?

Walter: Benny, if you don't loan me that money. I'll...

Benny: You'll what? Huh? You'll what?

Walter: I'll... not like you any more!

Benny: ...All right.

Walter: Thanks.

[Jack is being taken on an ambulance after losing his breath on the jogging track]

Jack: I'm fine really.

Paramedic: Take it easy Mr. Schidntmann

Walter: Has this ever happened to you before?

Jack: Yes.

Paramedic: Seven times in the past five months.

Walter: I thought the jogging was getting you in better shape.

Jack: It is.

Paramedic: Yeah thanks to the jogging I can lift him into the ambulance.

Anna: Walter?

Walter: Oh, Anna, thank God it's you! Thank God!

Anna: Walter?

Walter: Thank God you're here, honey!

Anna: Is that you?

Walter: Is it me? I'm speaking so loud I'm hallucinating! For a while, I thought the Care Bears were here!

Anna: Walter?

Walter: Farm animals or geese or chickens...

Anna: Walter?

Walter: UPSTAIRS!

Anna: Are you alright?

Walter: No, I'm not alright.

Anna: Where are you?

Walter: I'm in the den!

Anna: No you're not, I was just in there...

Walter: I'm in the den! I swear it! Please believe me!

Anna: Will you stop fooling around, Walter? I'm tired!

Walter: I'm right here.

Anna: Look, Walter, enough is enough!

Walter: I'M RIGHT HERE!

Anna: Where?

Walter: In the floor behind the chair.

Anna: [laughs]

Walter: Laughing, huh? We're laughing.

[Walter has missed a meeting with the permit man, who got steamed and left]

Curly: If he ever does come back, you call me and we'll finish the job.

Walter: When I do get the permits, how long will the job take?

Curly: Two weeks.

Walter: Two weeks? Two weeks?

Curly: You sound like a parakeet there. "Two weeks! Two weeks!"

Walter: Well, two weeks. It- it's amazing.

Curly: Amazing nothing. It'll be a regular miracle.

Walter: Ahh, home crap home!

Walter: Mozart? Mozart is dead, his problems are over, help MEEE...

Walter: What has Max got that I haven't got?

Anna: Walls.

[Walter sees the new stairs that had been built]

Walter: Stairs! Ha! A Staircase! We have stairs!

[Dances happily on them]

Walter: Oh hello Mr. Stairs I've missed you.

Walter: What happened?

Curly: It was no picnic but those guys are work animals. Well everything looks pretty much under control.

Walter: It does?

Curly: Well not to the layman's eyes of course.

Walter: They completely ripped up my house!

Curly: They sure as hell did didn't they? They really ripped the guts out of it. They're work animals I tell you. Look at those holes huh? Then you've got your gravel piles, your sand piles, your scrap piles. Animals!

Walter: Animals.

Curly: Well I like a good conversation as much as any but I've got to run. Hasta Pronto if you know what I mean.

Walter: You're leaving?

Curly: Well I ain't moving in.

Walter: I'm not trying to tell you your business but you haven't even looked at my pipes.

Brad Shirk: I looked at them three years ago. You figure they've improved with age?

Walter: [on the phone trying to locate a plumber] Hi! We're having a little trouble with our pipes, and I was - uh, Fielding, Walter Fielding... Well, there's no reason why should have heard of me... no, that's not a Jewish name... how much do I make a year? Well, how much do you make a year? Really!... Yale, I went to Yale...

[gets angry]

Walter: Look, get out of my life, would ya!

[slams the phone down]

Montgomery Shrapp: [knocking on the front door] Fielding?

Walter: [stuck in the floor and can't answer the door] Hel - Hello! Hello, I'm here!

Montgomery Shrapp: Are you in there Fielding?

Walter: Y-yes, I'm here. My chest is constricted. I can't shout. Ow-ow-ow-ow.

Montgomery Shrapp: [thinking Walter is laughing at him] Okay Fielding!

[starts to leave]

Montgomery Shrapp: I can hear you in there laughing at me. This is it you duck fart! I'm leaving and I'm never coming back! You hear me Fielding?

Walter: Y-yes, I hear you!

Montgomery Shrapp: I'm tearing up your permits! There! Nobody laughs at Montgomery Shrapp!

Walter: Here lies Walter Fielding. He bought a house, and it killed him.

Walter: It's a big house, we'll divide it up! You stay in your half, I'll stay in mine!

Anna: That is such a dumb idea. Sometimes it amazes me you ever passed the bar.

Walter: I'm sure it does, you've never passed a bar in you life.

Anna: You are so much less attractive when I'm sober.

Walter: Thank goodness it's not that often.

Anna: [yelling] All right, that's it! I've had it with you, and the house, and Max, and the orchestra and everything! How long will it take to put this house together?

Curly: Two weeks.

[Walter and all the workers start laughing]

Anna: We'll stick it out 'til the house is done.

[Walter and Anna are discussing the possibility of buying the house]

Walter: You know what this is? This is the short line in Motor Vehicles.

Anna: What?

Walter: Yeah! You go to Motor Vehicles to get your license renewed, and you get on this line that reaches to Spain, and right next to it is this little short line with only two guys on it, but you don't get on that line, 'cause you think something must be "wrong" with it - otherwise everyone else would be on it - so you waste three hours!

Anna: I got on the short line once. It was for farm vehicles.

Anna: Well, the turkey's done.

Walter: So's the kitchen. Actually, it's a little overdone for my tastes. Let's not go there again.

Walter: [Walter is on the phone with the permit inspector] Look, I'm very sorry I wasn't here this afternoon. What can I say? My wife was poisoned and taken to the hospital... Well, what would cut any ice with you?... A bribe? Sure, can you be here in a half an hour? All right. Cash, no problem.

Anna: This is my house, too. I want to help.

Walter: Do you have a gun?

Anna: I'm going to help you.

Walter: Do you have a gun?

'Cheap Girl' # 1: We want to change the name of the band.

Walter: You can't do that! You've spent years making your name a household word. Your name is perfect! Cheap Girls. I love it.

'Cheap Girl' # 1: I'm not sure it's us. We want to call ourselves Meryl Streep.

Walter: No, no you cannot call yourselves Meryl Streep.

'Cheap Girl' # 1: Maybe she'll be flattered!

Walter: No, in fact considering your act, I think I can guarantee a giant lawsuit.

[Walter tells Anna they're leaving]

Walter: Forget it, you are not calling yourselves Meryl Streep.

'Cheap Girl' # 1: How 'bout Debbie Reynolds?

Estelle: I'm desperate! Can we close?

Walter: We need a little time to...

Estelle: There is no time! Extradition is Friday.

Walter: Extradition?

Anna: I'll tell you later.

Estelle: I need an answer by the close of business tomorrow.

Walter: Oh, you'll have it. By the way, you have the most beautifully kept pool I've ever seen.

[Estelle breaks down and starts crying]

Walter: What did I say? What did I say?

Walter: Hear about that guy up in the Bronx? Just went crazy; thought he was a pigeon. They've found him in the park, throwing breadcrumbs at himself.

Anna: I was just lighting the oven!

Walter: Just lighting... you could've been killed. We could've all died!

Anna: Oh, well thank you very much! I'm not completely helpless in the kitchen, I do know how to light an oven!

Walter: Well yeah, but- you mean this thing works?

Anna: So far, so good.

Walter: [Anna is running toward the stairs that have collapsed] THE STAIRS ARE OUT!

[Anna stops right at the edge]

Walter: Honey, you're standing on my fingers.

[Anna steps back and Walter lets go, falling to the first floor]

Walter: It doesn't make any sense, why would somebody be selling a million dollar house for a hundred thousand?

Jack: Who knows? A divorce, loan sharks, a scandal. The point is you get to capitalize on another human being's misfortune. That's the basis of real estate. So do we have a deal?

Walter: [Stuck in the floor] The permit man was here.

Anna: Oh? That's good.

[starts trying to free Walter]

Walter: No, no. Now tomorrow I'm going to have to take off work, drive down to his office, and kiss his ass-

[abruptly falls through the floor to the story below]

Walter: [to Anna] Well, thanks to that fall, we're now the same height.

Crawl: Hey, you'll be happy to know that as soon as you left, I popped your daughter's trunk!

Walter: Oh, shit.

Walter: Lets chow down and much on some grindage!

Walter: Well, now that that's all settled, I think my future son-in-law should carve the turkey.

Rebecca Warner: Oh well you see, that's not necessary, because Crawl and I were never.

Crawl: Sure about the wedding date. So we'll just give it some time and see how things go.

Walter: Oh that's a hell of an idea. Hell of an idea!

Connie: She's obviously made up her mind, so let's just handle this like mature adults.

Walter: Right, right. You distract him, and I'm gonna hit him in the head with a shovel.

Walter: Uh Crotch.

Walter: Uhh do you have a screw driver?

Crawl: Sorry, all out of vodka!

Walter: ...At the end of the day it's not about skin color or race. It's about the love connection: the vibe between a man and a woman.

Walter: You know what, you oughta feel real, real blessed since you even invited to this Negro spiritual.

Walter: Do you know what the Bible says about fucking your own sister? Don't.

Walter: I thought I told you to get a haircut.

Valdine: Oh, give Gilly a break, he's been through a lot.

Walter: Yeah, including his own sister.

Walter: I'm surprised she didn't give up the sausage and become a vagina-tarian.

Leo: Walter, when you say "cash is king," what's that mean?

Walter: Cash is the fossil fuel that keeps our economic pistons pumping.

Longfellow Deeds: Hand me my pants. I wrote her phone number on a piece of paper.

Walter: You have no pants, sir. You came home last night without them.

Longfellow Deeds: I did what?

Walter: As a matter of fact, you came home without any clothes at all. You were in your shorts. Yes, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: Don't be silly, Walter. I couldn't walk around on the streets without any clothes. I'd be arrested.

Walter: That's what the two policemen said, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: What two policemen?

Walter: The ones who brought you home, sir. They said you and another gentleman kept walking up and down the street shouting "back to nature! Clothes are a blight on civilization! Back to nature!"

Longfellow Deeds: He talks about women as if they were cattle.

Walter: Every man to his taste, sir.

Longfellow Deeds: Tell me, Walter, are all these stories I hear about my uncle true?

Walter: Well, sir, he sometimes had as many as twenty in the house at the same time.

Longfellow Deeds: Twenty! What did he do with them?

Walter: That is something I was never able to find out, sir.

Walter: Do you masturbate, Russ?

Russ: Jeez, I've been so busy lately I barely polish my shoes.

Crystal: Do not fuck with me you sick, masturbating retard!

Walter: Go ahead and rape me, that's what you want!

Goth Barista: Hey Walter, how's it going?

Walter: I'm an empty vessel.

Henry Brubaker: Hey. Can we talk?

Walter: Who the fuck are you? I want the man!

Henry Brubaker: I am. I am the man. I'm the new warden here. My name's Henry Brubaker.

Walter: [throws Bullen and advances on Brubaker] Man, don't be fucking with my head. 'New warden' my ass!

Henry Brubaker: It's true - I swear it.

Walter: Then how come you look like a scumbag?

Henry Brubaker: 'Cause I'm fooling those guys out there.

Walter: Goodbye, asswipe.

Walter: [opening lines] I want my fucking Zippo now!

Rosa: Walter, this is a behavior...

Walter: [ranking his nails against his forearm] Fuck you!

Rosa: And you are making a choice.

[Rosa's cell phone rings]

Rosa: Hold on... hello?

Walter: God!

Kym: Don't you get it, Waldo? *She's* making a choice not to give you your lighter because you'll torch the Self-Help library again.

Walter: It's Walter. Kill anybody recently? Run over anybody with a fucking car?

Walter: [to Michelle Mulan] You had sex with someone in the bathroom at the Alzheimer's fund-raiser.

Walter: You live in a free society; you have no choice.

[talking about Western relations with Russia]

Barley: Aren't we supposed to be such good friends now?

Ned: [sarcastically] Oh, my dear lord...

Walter: Because this year it suits them to roll over on their backs and play nice doggie? Because this year they're on the floor anyway? You ninny! All the more reason to spy the living daylights out of them. Kick them in the balls every time they get to their knees.

Walter: This is just like school! Dear old, bloody old, school!

Walter: [looking around the mess of Barley's apartment] How do you *live* with yourself?

Barley: Actually I don't live with myself. I tend to give myself a pretty wide berth.

Walter: Reconstruction! Openness! You don't reconstruct the balance of terror and open the ultimate can of worms.

Vickie: So, what did you do?

Walter: I molested little girls.

Vickie: [laughs in disbelief]

Walter: 12 years in prison is no joke.

Walter: They think I'm crazy.

Rosen: Do you think you're crazy?

Walter: You know, talking to you is like riding on a fucking merry-go-round.

Rosen: That's a marvelous image, Walter. Because by going in circles, we find things we missed the first time around.

Walter: What can I do for you Sergeant Lucas?

Sgt. Lucas: Oh, you can listen to my stories about Jesus.

Walter: [Repeated line] When will I be normal?

Walter: Uncommon beauty is commonly overlooked.

Carlos: [throws him a can of beer] Boy, you still think fast!

Walter: You don't need to think fast to handle a beer.

Vickie: So, are you gonna tell me your dark secret?

Walter: Why do you wanna know?

Vickie: Don't you think I should know before we have sex?

Walter: [looks at her]

Vickie: I don't like to waste time.

Sgt. Lucas: Do you believe in Fairy Tales?

Walter: Fairy Tales?

Sgt. Lucas: Yeah, like Alice in Wonderland.

Walter: No.

Sgt. Lucas: Yeah, yeah, me neither. What's that one with the Woodsman?

Walter: Woodsman?

Sgt. Lucas: Yeah, with the ax?

Walter: I don't know.

Sgt. Lucas: Yeah, you know it. The Woodsman, he cuts open the wolf's stomach and the little girl come out alive...

Walter: Little Red Riding Hood.

Sgt. Lucas: Little Red Riding Hood! That's it! That's it. The Woodsman, he cuts open the wolf's stomach, the girl comes out without a scratch... You ever see a seven-year-old sodomized in half? She was so small, just broken. I saw 20-year vets on that job. Hard guys, they just broke down and cried. I was there, I cried... There ain't no fucking woodsman in this world.

Cay: Can't you find something better to do?

Walter: Not since you came onto the scene!

Jerilee: [reading a review] : 'Sensitive and perceptive stories which vividly demonstrate the inadequacy of liberal values in the face of evil.' What does that mean, Walter?

Walter: It means your stories vividly demonstrate the inadequacy of liberal values in the face of evil!

Walter: What are you talking about Willis?

[first lines]

Walter: [reading a letter] To the loving O'Brien family. It has been brought to our attention that the remains of a Mrs. Patricia O'Brien have yet to be excavated. Please make arrangements immediately.

Walter: Have you ever smelled death?

Willis O'Brien: I don't recall smelling it.

Walter: Death smells like nothing you've ever smelled in your life.

Willis O'Brien: What does it smell like?

Walter: You know when you've smelled death. 'Cause when you smell it you say to yourself, "Damn, something die?"

Walter: You can consider, the death of a person is still considered progress.

Walter: Once something is buried it should stay buried!

Walter: One wrong note eventually ruins the entire symphony.

Walter: I think if we are kind, it will be a kind world.

Walter: They've made a few upgrades since your time.

David: I was with our illustrious creator, Mr. Weyland, when he died.

Walter: What was he like?

David: He was human. Entirely unworthy of his creation.

Walter: So, David, you're gonna tell me exactly what's going on or I am going to seriously fuck up your perfect composure...

Walter: [In the closet hiding from the demonically-possessed Susan and Lisa who stand outside staring at him. Walter comes up with a joke he heard] All right. A Jewish mother goes to the airport to meet her daughter. The daughter steps off the plane with an eight-foot-tall Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose. The mother screams, "You fool! I said a rich doctor!"

[laughs]

[Walter is studying quantum physics]

Walter: Why do I want a Ph.D. in this?

Catherine: Particle beam weapons, research grants...

Walter: A millionaire when I'm forty! Now I remember!

Walter: Why is everybody looking at me that way?

Brian: Because you're being asshole-ish.

Walter: Well, it's very asshole-ish of you to say so!

Walter: [Walter is talking to Lisa, who is Asian] Anyone ever tell you you could pass for Asian?

Walter: [Having placed Ruth's dismembered body in the freezer] Rest in pieces.

Walter: He needs your body!

Walter: What the hell is this place? A prison?

[Frank is admiring a waitress's ass]

Frank: She's got a great backyard.

Walter: I don't know. I've never been to her house.

Frank: She's got a great ass.

Frank: You don't have that problem, pal?

Walter: Which problem?

Frank: With your cucumber.

Walter: I don't eat cucumbers, I always eat these bacon sandwiches.

Frank: Take out your pecker and feed the Fish.

Walter: What?

Frank: Pee in the ocean.

Walter: [as Frank flies past Walter and takes a running jump from the boat into the lake] You're naked, Frank.

Frank: You never went skinny-dipping when you were a kid?

Walter: Yes, but I wore a bathing suit.

Walter: You have to pee too?

Frank: I'm 75 years old. I always have to pee.

Bill: [indicates gun] What are you gonna do with that?

Walter: I'm gonna shoot myself.

Bill: [unloading gun] That's pretty stupid, Walter.

Walter: Yeah, I guess I oughta shoot Margaret, huh?

[Bill pockets the bullets and lays the gun back down.]

Bill: [pours a drink] No, you're not gonna shoot anybody.

Walter: Maybe I oughta shoot you.

Walter: Every 10 or 11,000 years I make a horrible mistake.

Walter: I want you all to consider what I am about to suggest to you. You people seem to want what we've got. Well, we have room for you. We have room for you and about 30 of your friends. You would be students of course, but you'd also be teachers. And the new civilizations you would be travelling to would be unlike anything you've ever seen before. But I promise you, you will all lead productive lives.

Ben Luckett: Forever?

Walter: We don't know what forever is.

Walter: Face-eating, Jack? Is that some kind of a delicacy?

Walter: Put down that cocoon!

[first lines]

Puzzlehead: The Anti-Federalists and the Luddites forced the closure of all biomechanical laboratories and began replacing them with fertility clinics. Funding ceased for everything not directly related to re-population. Quite ironic now that I think about it. Walter managed to salvage most of the equipment that wasn't nailed down. The most important of which was D-I-amdac, a brain scanner, which he used to scan his own brain to provide the blueprint for the neuro-net map of my artificially intelligent mind.

Walter: [upstairs preparing a meal]

Puzzlehead: During the initial burn-in, programming 24-hours a day for several days at a time,

[groans and cries over intercom]

Puzzlehead: it was painful. I would get exhausted. But he was impatient and wanted to give me all the information he thought most relevant to my primary human development.

Walter: [leaning over him on the gurney] There there my little Puzzlehead, you've made me very proud. Everything's going to be alright now. That's a good boy. You can rest now.

Puzzlehead: I became an interactive humanoid life form, with sensory faculties that enabled me to be a conscious being with emotions. Enormous cognitive capacity, and no sense of mortality. A robot, created in the image - or self-image - of Walter.

[last lines]

Walter: [appearing on the on screen] Congratulations. You made it. I know the voyage was brought with difficulties and surprises. I just want you to know from the bottom of my heart how proud I am of you. Thank you, honestly, again, from the bottom of my heart. Anyway, there's a lot of people out here who are anxious to say hello to you. To thank you just like me, so... Let's come on out of there, and let's call this mission done.