Walker Quotes in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)


Walker Quotes:

  • Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!

    Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!

    Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!

    Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!

    Ricky Bobby: Come on!

    Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!

    Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!

    Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.

    Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!

    Chip: What is wrong with you?

    Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

  • Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?

    Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.

    [Chip is startled]

    Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?

    Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.

    Ricky Bobby: Nice.

    Texas Ranger: She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.

  • Walker: Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

    Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

  • Reese Bobby: Now, you show me the DNA test and then maybe I'll, uh... I'll say hello to these swamp rats.

    Frank: [from the house next door] You people shut the hell up! I got a wife in an oxygen tent tryin' to sleep!

    Reese Bobby: You better shut the hell up or I'll come over there and rip a hole in that tent!

    Lucy Bobby: Yeah, shut up, Frank!

    Walker: Go shave your balls, you dusty old fart!

    Reese Bobby: Okay, I guess they are my grandkids.

  • Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!

    Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!

  • Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley.

    Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!

    WalkerTexas Ranger: Ow.

  • [last lines]

    [after the credits]

    Texas Ranger: Great analysis, Walker.

    Walker: Thanks.

  • Walker: Granny? How much longer are we gonna have to do this?

    [Both boys are wearing reflective vests and picking-up trash along the interstate with poles and bags]

    Lucy Bobby: I don't know. How many more times are you gonna toss me the radio while I'm in the bathtub?

  • Ricky Bobby: I get emotional. You guys are workin' so hard, and I'm just so proud of you. You remind me of me, precocious and full of wonderment.

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: I tell you what, Ricky, you are truly blessed. These two are two in a million, just like Carley's ta-tas. You won't find another rack like that, I guarantee it.

    Carley Bobby: Thank you, Cal.

    Walker: That's real sweet of you, Cal.

    Ricky Bobby: Cal, that's a real nice sentiment. That's about one of the nicest things you ever said.

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Well, I mean it.

    Carley Bobby: Stop it, gonna make me cry.

    Cal Naughton, Jr.: Comes from the heart.

  • Walker: My friends and I skipped school and we filled up a cup of pee and tried to get our neighbor's dog to drink it. But he wouldn't.

  • Walker: You just killed the Secretary of Defense.

    Stenz: Well, he wasn't doing a very good job.

  • Walker: Cake?

    Stenz: No, I don't want cake! I'm diabetic!

  • Walker: [as Stenz deserts him to battle Cale] Where are you going?

    Stenz: I'm going to end/finish this!

    Walker: [snaps]

    Walker: Don't make this personal!

    Stenz: [snaps back] DON'T TELL ME NOT TO TAKE/MAKE THIS PERSONAL! You're gonna blow up half the world... FOR YOUR OWN GOD DAMN KID!

  • Walker: Do you think I would do what I did to my country for MONEY!

    Walker: [seething as he shoots dead a cohort who mutinies against him] I hate mercenaries!

  • Fielding: I really could care less whether you like me or not, but you don't know a thing about me. I was with IA for two years, I'm field-rated in weapons and tactics, and speak three languages. Impressed?

    Walker: I'm blown away.

    Fielding: I read the Atwood file.

    Walker: You didn't mention you could read.

  • Fielding: What happened to the Volmer twins?

    Walker: See those two red spots?

  • Walker: There is never enough time.

    Melissa: Time for what?

    Walker: To satisfy a woman.

    Melissa: Then you never want to miss an opportunity.

  • McComb: You see, I'm an ambitious Harvard-educated visionary who deserves to be the most powerful man in the world and you... you're a fucking idiot who never figured out that the only way to make anything of himself with all that fancy kicking was on Broadway.

    Walker: Thanks for clearing that up.

  • [as he kicks the villain]

    Walker: I'm still kicking. I must be on Broadway.

  • Matuzak: [after catching Ricky with virtual reality porn] Damn it, Ricky, I catch you fucking this machine again, I'll break your neck.

    Ricky: Sorry, chief.

    Walker: Looks like safe sex to me.

  • Walker: Freeze!

    McComb: Do you realize how inappropriate that word is? Do I look frozen to you?

    Walker: You look like shit to me!

  • Handlebar: [assumes a boxing pose to fight Walker] I went 10 rounds with John L. Sullivan himself.

    Walker: [takes him out easily] I saw Tyson beat Spinks on TV.

  • [after stopping a crook without violence]

    Walker: He must have read my mind.

    Melissa: The way you speak English, he'd have to.

  • [after kicking a guy into liquid nitrogen]

    Walker: I guess I should have told him to 'freeze'.

    McComb: I think he got the picture.

  • Fielding: You're not funny.

    Walker: I'm never funny.

  • Walker: [confronting a purse-snatcher on rollerbaldes] Read it!

    Rollerblades: [reading the boot extended in his face] Wolverine?

    Walker: Between the lines!

    Rollerblades: I should get the fuck out of here?

    Walker: [lowers his foot] Very good. First... I think you have a purse to return.

  • Walker: I'll tell you this: if I can't go back to save her, this scumbag is not going back to steal money.

  • Michaelangelo: [to Walker] Hey, buddy, don't you know that Westerns are dead?

    Walker: Speaking of dead.

    [aims pistol at Michaelangelo]

    Michaelangelo: Uh what I meant was they're not all dead. Like Clint. You look alot like Clint!

  • Walker: Did you really think I'd make it that easy, you *nasty* little reptiles?

  • April O'Neill: [about Whit] He is lower than scum! He gives scum a bad name.

    Walker: Of course he does, that's why I hired him.

  • Walker: You're turtles?

    Donatello: Yeah, of the Teenage Mutant Ninja variety.

  • Walker: Who's your tailor?

    Michaelangelo: We're naked.

  • Walker: So they've gone missing. I mean, war does have a habit of doing that to people.

  • Lord Norinaga: Secrets leak like a stink from a dead pig!

    Walker: You certainly can turn a phrase.

  • Walker: Excuse me, Niles. Shouldn't you be trying to scare somebody?

  • Walker: My cannons can destroy these demons. You can rewrite history.

    Lord Norinaga: No!

    [stalks out of room]

    Walker: I can rewrite *you.*

  • Lord Norinaga: How did you capture such a woman?

    Walker: Same way you capture any wild animal. By setting a trap.

  • Whit: I think she's telling the truth.

    Walker: Really? Well, I don't pay you to think, do I? I pay you to lie, cheat, and steal.

  • Walker: Love to stay and chat, but places to go and people to kill.

  • Walker: [to his prisoners] Really don't have time for any of these social pleasantries, I'm afraid.

    [to his men]

    Walker: Shoot them.

  • Sheba Shayne: You better talk, big man, before I put my number one foot down your number one mouth.

    Walker: Shit, you can't kick no shadow, bitch! Catch me!

    [runs away]

  • Walker: The only thing you get from feelings is dead.

  • Coach Pendleton: Walker how old are you?

    Walker: 18.

    Coach Pendleton: You wanna live to be 19?

    Walker: Yeah.

    Coach Pendleton: THEN DO WHAT I TELL YOU.

  • Walker: Miss Lloyd, where you going?

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: I'm going home to Mother. She loves me, even if my clothes are old and ugly.

    Walker: Why, Miss Lloyd, the colonel loves you, too. It's just because his rheumatism's botherin' him that he's so cranky. My, my, you should hear the things he says. They'd make your hair curl.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Would they really make my hair curl?

    Walker: Sure would, Miss Lloyd. Look what they did to mine. Come on, now.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: I don't want to go up there.

    Walker: Why, everybody's got to go upstairs, Miss Lloyd, if they wants to go to bed.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: But I don't want to.

    Walker: Look here, will you go if I shows you a new way how to go upstairs?

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: How can there be a new way to go upstairs?

  • Col. Lloyd: Confound you, Walker! Watch what you're doing!

    Walker: I'm sorry, sir.

    Col. Lloyd: If you'd broken that, I'd have broken your head.

    Walker: Yes, sir.

    Dr. Scott: Someday your temper is going to split you wide open.

    Col. Lloyd: Well, I won't call for you to sew me up!

  • Col. Lloyd: Oh, stop chattering, Walker!

    Walker: Yes, sir.

    Col. Lloyd: I don't want to hear all this gossip.

    Walker: No, sir. I was going to tell you about the cottage, sir, but I suspect you're not interested.

    Col. Lloyd: The cottage?

    Walker: Yes, sir. Someone's moved into it.

    Col. Lloyd: Walker! Confound you, why don't you let me know when things are going on around here? Who's moving into the cottage?

    Walker: I don't know, sir.

    Col. Lloyd: It's been empty a long time now, ever since - well, maybe I'd better call on our new neighbors and see what kind of folks they are.

    Walker: Yes, sir. Having some new neighbors won't make it so lonely 'round here.

    Col. Lloyd: Who says it's lonely 'round here?

    Walker: Not me, no sir!

    Col. Lloyd: Anyway, I like it lonely!

  • Walker: Looky here, how is Miss Elizabeth?

    Becky Porter: Oh, her health is all right, but I think she worries 'bout Mister Jack. He better come home pretty soon.

    Walker: What you mean, you ain't got no m -

    [Becky shushes him and points to Lloyd]

    Walker: Uh... M-O-N-I-E?

    Becky Porter: Not only that, we's 'most outta F-U-D-E.

    Walker: Well, looky here, couldn't the K-U-N-E-L give a little L-O-N-E?

    Becky Porter: You know Miss Elizabeth wouldn't take nothin' from him. Why, before she'd do that, she'd go to the, uh... the... P-O-H-O-S.

    [Walker stops walking and stares at her]

    Walker: P-O-H-O-S?

    Becky Porter: Yeah, sure, ain't you got no education? The poorhouse!

    Walker: Oh, no.

    Becky Porter: Yes, indeed.

  • Col. Lloyd: Maria, I've got a young lady here whose clothes need drying.

    Maria: Yes, sir?

    Col. Lloyd: Well, take her!

    Maria: But Colonel sir, what can I put her in while her clothes is a-dryin'? I ain't got nothin' for a little girl to wear.

    Col. Lloyd: Uh, Walker, go up into the attic, and you'll find a small trunk. There may be some clothes in there that will fit Miss Lloyd.

    Walker: A small trunk in the attic, sir?

    Col. Lloyd: Yes, you numbskull! Don't you understand English? Attend to it right away.

    [the Colonel leaves]

    Walker: Do you know whose trunk that is and whose clothes they is?

    Maria: Course I do. You go on now and fetch them things. We don't want no menfolk 'round here.

    Walker: With that face, you don't have to worry!

  • Walker: Looks like this old house ain't gonna be lonesome no more.

  • Miss Lloyd Sherman: Mom Beck?

    Becky Porter: What, honey?

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: What's a poorhouse?

    Becky Porter: Oh, that's the place where they send people who got no money.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Is it nice?

    Becky Porter: No, honey. It's a terrible place. The people there wear rags, and all they get to eat is corn dodgers out of tin pans.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Then I don't want my mother to have to go there.

    Becky Porter: Oh, why, honey child, your mother won't never have to go to no poorhouse. We wouldn't let that happen, would we, Brother Walker?

    Walker: I should say not.

    Becky Porter: Now don't you worry your pretty little head about things like that. The Lord always provides.

    Walker: Amen!

  • Miss Lloyd Sherman: Mom Beck, why do they dunk the women in the river that way?

    Becky Porter: That's to save their souls and wash their sins away.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Will it wash my sins away?

    Becky Porter: Well, honey, you ain't got no sins. You is a little angel.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Well, would it wash my sins away if I had any?

    Becky Porter: Yes, honey. If you carried the right thought and believed it would.

    Miss Lloyd Sherman: Were you ever dunked, Mom Beck?

    Walker: A little river like that wouldn't do her no good. Child, she needs the Mississippi!

  • Col. Lloyd: Walker, I want you to go to town on Saturday and buy a lot of little girls clothes.

    Walker: What shall I buy, sir?

    Col. Lloyd: Well, what do you suppose? Hats, shoes, stockings, dresses, and whatever goes under the dresses. And Walker?

    Walker: Yes, sir?

    Col. Lloyd: I'm an old fool.

    Walker: Yes, sir!

  • Brewster: You're a very bad man, Walker, a very destructive man! Why do you run around doing things like this?

    Walker: I want my money. I want my $93,000.

    Brewster: $93,000? You threaten a financial structure like this for $93,000? No, Walker, I don't believe you. What do you really want?

    Walker: I - I really want my money.

    Brewster: Well, I'm not going to give you any money and nobody else is. Don't you understand that?

    Walker: Who runs things?

    Brewster: Carter and I run things. I run things.

    Walker: What about Fairfax? Will he pay me?

    Brewster: Fairfax is a man who signs checks.

    Walker: No, cash.

    Brewster: Fairfax isn't going to give you anything. He's finished. Fairfax is dead. He just doesn't know it yet.

    Walker: Somebody's got to pay.

  • Chris: What's my last name?

    Walker: What's my first name?

  • Walker: How bad does he want you, Chris?

    Chris: Oh, I don't know. Who knows.

    Walker: Yeah, you know. How bad?

    Chris: Pretty bad, I guess.

    Walker: Bad enough to let you through into the Huntley?

    Chris: Why should I?

    Walker: Well, it's up to you.

  • [first lines]

    Walker: Cell. Prison Cell. How did I get here?

  • Mal Reese: We made it!

    Walker: We blew it! - - We blew it.

  • Walker: I heard you're running with Reese.

    Chris: Well, you heard wrong.

    Walker: Does he want you?

    Chris: Sure he does.

    Walker: Do you want him?

    Chris: He makes my flesh crawl.

    Walker: I want him.

  • Walker: it's perverse, isn't it? people spend years developing their minds and educating themselves, but in the end, they just want to shut them off.

  • Walker: Why do you wanna be a doctor anyhow?

    Chris Hammond: So I can help people.

    Walker: How? By keeping them alive today so you can prolong their misery until tomorrow?

Browse more character quotes from Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)