Waitress Quotes in The Avengers (2012)

Waitress: [deleted scene: Cap, feeling disconnected from the world, sits at an outdoor cafe table sketching Stark Tower] Waiting on the big guy?

Steve Rogers: Ma'am?

Waitress: Iron Man. A lot of people eat here just to see him fly by.

Steve Rogers: Right. Maybe another time.

[pays his tab]

Waitress: The table's yours as long as you like. Nobody's waiting on it. Plus we've got free wireless.

Steve Rogers: Radio?

[she gives him a nice look over her shoulder as she walks away]

Stan Lee: [from the adjacent table] Ask for her number, you moron.

Waitress: Are you drinking to forget?

Logan: No. I'm drinking to remember.

[the diner has turned into turmoil]

Dr. Jenning: [as the Dark Overlord] An evil unlike any you can imagine is about to engulf the Earth.

Waitress: Oh, no, no, we are fighting here all the time.

Waitress: You know, hostility is like psychic boomerang.

Waitress: [after the waitress brings the "Specials", Howard lets out a cry and is horrified] You ordered your specials, what's wrong?

Dr. Jenning: [Dr. Jenning posessed by a dark overlord] This will mean the extinction of all existing lifeforms.

Waitress: You haven't even tasted it yet

Howard T. Duck: What do you think, I'm into cannibalism or something?

Waitress: Hey, are we like all in the same discussion here?

Howard T. Duck: I'll give you a hint doll, what's white, all boiled and always remind me of my birthday?

Waitress: I don't know.

Howard T. Duck: The eggs, get em outta here.

Waitress: For one?

Carter: No, for two, I'm here for a meeting with Mr. Juntao.

Waitress: I'm sorry I do not know Mr. Juntao.

Carter: Look maybe you don't understand, I'm Mr. Juntao's lawyer, legal advisor, he got into some shit again and he told me to come down here and I'm a very busy man, ain't got time to be down here this late but I'm down here, my wife want me to come home, my baby is shittin' all over the house, he needs diapers, would you please go get Mr. Juntao?

Waitress: How's that gumbo, Chance?

Chance Boudreaux: A tragedy. The coffee was tolerable, though.

Waitress: It ain't free, neither.

Chance Boudreaux: Yeah. I know.

Waitress: Leave your wallet in your tuxedo?

Chance Boudreaux: I play that one on you before?

Waitress: Yeah. For the gumbo.

Chance Boudreaux: That's right.

[hands her a whole bunch of change]

Waitress: What do you want in your omelette, sir?

Marty: Nothing in the omelette, nothing at all.

Waitress: Well, that's not technically an omelette.

Marty: Look, I don't want to get into a semantic argument, I just want the protein.

[Back at the diner, Rocky has just finished his plate of Steak and Eggs. Clark returns]

Rocky: [to Ron, the owner] Hey, Ron?

Diner Owner: Yeah?

Rocky: Gimme another plate of this garbage.

Waitress: Garbage? That's my number-one special, Rocky.

Rocky: All right, eh? Gimme some more coffee too, will ya?

Clark Kent: Gee, that's funny. I've never seen garbage eat garbage before.

[Rocky then notices Clark, unaware that Clark's Krypton powers are fully restored. The patrons fall silent]

Clark Kent: Um, excuse me, sir. I think you're sitting in my favorite seat.

Rocky: [dares Clark] Well, come and get it, four-eyes.

[Clark slowly make his way towards the end of the counter]

Diner Owner: Now, cool it, Rocky. Take it easy, will ya? I just had this joint fixed. It cost me a fortune.

[Rocky shoves Ron's face back, then stands up right at Clark; Dishes and silverware clatter. Rocky slugs him hard, but then breaks his right hand badly in the process, as Clark gets his revenge. Rocky groans in pain]

Rocky: [groans] Oh, God!

[Clark spins Rocky around the greasy spoon till the seat moves up higher. He then lifts Rocky up and sits on the plate of Steak and Eggs, splattering it over the counter]

Clark Kent: [to Ron and Annie, the waitress] This order's to go.

[Clark shoves a screaming Rocky across the counter, destroying property items. Rocky eventually lands on and wrecks a pinball machine, knocked unconscious]

Clark Kent: [to Ron] I'm, uh... terribly sorry about all the damage, sir.

[hands Ron the money for repairs]

Clark Kent: Oh, I've been, uh... uh, working out.

Ranger: [on Morelli] So what is it with you two?

Stephanie Plum: Nothing. Sold him a cannoli in high school.

Waitress: Honey, half the women in Jersey sold Joe Morelli their cannoli.

Jesse: Just the glass.

Waitress: Just the glass?

Jesse: The glass.

Waitress: [to Jesse] Don't you want the beer?

Diamondback: No honey, the drink's on me.

[cuts her throat]

Waitress: [to Elmo after the Widows question her about Philo's whereabouts] You want to talk, take a walk. You want to eat, take a seat.

[diner erupts into laughter]

Frank: [to fat man at counter] What're you laughing at, lard ass?

Fat Man: [fuming] I tell you what. You turn around and walk out that door, and I'll forget what you said.

[looks up at Frank, grinning]

Fat Man: And I won't tell everybody you drink horse piss!

[waitress and patrons giggle]

Frank: Elmo, Cholla, did you hear what he just said?

Cholla: [fiercely] I heard it.

Waitress: [taking fat man's plate] I'll just keep this warm for you, Lester.

Frank: Okay bigmouth, let's go.

Waitress: [to fat man] You want me to keep a piece of that lemon merangue?

Fat Man: Yeah, this won't take but a minute.

[to Frank]

Fat Man: Let's go, cutes!

[all exit to watch the fight]

Cream Corn: You know what don't make no sense is the service round this motherfucka! Bitch do you see us? I'd like two sausage links, two sausage patties, two hot dogs split down the middle twice, okay? Baloney, fry that into a dome, slice it, take a spatula, smush fry it, and one waffle please.

Waitress: I can get you a waffle, but all we got is the chicken from last night. I can bring you some of that if you want some meat.

Cream Corn: Chicken and waffles?

Roscoe: That's it!

[Roscue runs out excitedly]

Waitress: I was reading this article and it talked about flying. Said we'd all become just like cattle, trusting our lives to people we don't even know. Like pilots. Said we do it all the time. And like as not, we get our heads bashed in, like cattle, for being so trusting. I mean, did you ever stop to think about that? Like those pilots I dated - - hell, this article said half those guys are so snockered they don't even know what button to push. I mean hell, one minute you are flying 30,000 feet in the air and the next, sppbbblllttt! - -- you are splattered all over the ground... somebody's dachshund nipping at your pancreas.

Mike: Where do you go so the radiation won't get us?

Waitress: What about Mexico? Or Hawaii! Let's go to Hawaii!

Landa: No tropics!

Mike: Ocean clouds, rain, forget it. Got to be a desert, right? Like the Sahara or the Gobi, fuck the Gobi.

Landa: We're going to Antarctica if it's true.

Mike: Wait a minute, you said desert!

Landa: There's a valley there with zero rainfall, plenty of fresh water in the snow for generations if need be.

[making the list of great minds for Landa]

Waitress: What about Pat Riley?

Mike: Pat Riley? Come on!

Waitress: She's a leader. My cousin knows...

Mike: J-just write down what I say, okay? We're talking Mensa.

Waitress: [writing down] Mensa.

Mike: That's not a person, that's an organization. People like Linus Pauling. Write this down. Jane and Tom. And Harry Belafonte.

Waitress: Ah, what about Joyce Brothers? She's smart.

Mike: [shouts] Fuck Joyce Brothers! Danny Berrigan, and his brother. Bobby Seale. Dick Gregory.

Waitress: You have these people's phone numbers?

Fred the Cook: Landa, you said we had to strike FIRST if it ever came down to it, remember you told me that? Do you remember?

Landa: I remember, Fred.

Fred the Cook: Preemptive first strike!

Mike: Shit!

Waitress: They have to evacuate us first, don't they?

Mike: You tell me where to! When was the last time they told you what to do incase. There's no plan!

[to Harry, as he is taking care of a sudden nosebleed]

Waitress: What did she do? Slap you through the phone?

Waitress: Why would we be at war? There's no big crisis anywhere.

Mike: Not that we know about! There's never a good enough reason why.

Waitress: Coffee?

Yu Ominae: Thank you.

Waitress: I heard that Dr. Miesel is examining the Noah's Ark site, and Mrs. Margret is there too.

Yu Ominae: So it's been busy huh?

Jake: Hey, can I get a club soda?

Waitress: Sure... wait a minute... I know you! You arrested me one time!

Jake: (Smiles) Did I? That's a shame...

Waitress: "Can I re-fill your coffee?"

Hectic Knife's Dad: "Fuck you."

[when Lone Star and Barf stops on the outer space gas-station]

Waitress: Ready to order?

Woman in Diner: Ah, yes, we'll both have the lunafish.

[Harry is reading a newspaper]

Waitress: "Harry Potter." Who's Harry Potter?

Harry Potter: Oh, no one. Bit of a tosser, really.

Waitress: Can I take your order?

Hermione Granger: I'll have a cappucino.

Waitress: [turns to Ron] You?

Ron Weasley: What she said.

Harry Potter: Same.

Waitress: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?

Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.

[Pacha and Kuzco diner in disguise as a woman are approached by the Waitress]

Pacha: We're on our honeymoon.

Waitress: Bless you for coming out in public.

Kate Grant: Why do you want meatloaf if it isn't even on the dinner menu?

Woody Grant: 'cause I like it.

Waitress: What can I get you?

Woody Grant: Do you have any meatloaf?

Waitress: No, that's only part of our lunch specials.

Kate Grant: He'll have the chicken.

Waitress: Fried or grilled?

Woody Grant: ...fried.

Kate Grant: He'll have it grilled. I think I'd like the roast beef, but I'm not entirely sure. What do you recommend?

Waitress: Everything's all good ma'am, but I especially like the tilapia.

Kate Grant: Oh, then I'll have the roast beef.

David Grant: ...I'll have the tilapia.

Waitress: One Coca Cola and

[to Arthur]

Waitress: one Sex On The Beach.

Arthur Belt: Aren't I naughty.

Waitress: I feel sorry for Lady Clarisse. The count's known for being a real playboy.

Lupin III: Oh, really? Just like me! Say, are you busy tonight?

Waitress: You seemed... familiar.

Stella: You know, if that skirt was any shorter, you'd need another hair net.

Waitress: Whaddya have, food or liquor?

Bill 'Pinto Kid' Maywood: Just food. I'm always suspicious of liquor.

Waitress: Do tell. Well, we have stew and steak and, uh...

Bill 'Pinto Kid' Maywood: Steak, rare, and what goes with it.

Waitress: And nothin' to drink.

Bill 'Pinto Kid' Maywood: Coffee.

Waitress: Coffee? Sure you don't want milk?

Waitress: You want strawberry pie or apple pie?

Radio: I wan' both!

waitress: Well, how about... I jump into the back of your motor and suck your big cock?

Carlton Leach: Well, what could I do? She put it on me, and I didn't want to hurt the girl's feelings.

Mr. Herlihy: Goddamn Jets!

Waitress: Hey, cutie! What are you doing here?

Julian: Watching football.

Waitress: Oh yea, who do you want to win?

Julian: The Goddamn Jets.

Waitress: It's oozing and it's green!

[the music suddenly stops]

Christina: Eeew!

Sally Albright: But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top, I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it, if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real; if it's out of the can then nothing.

Waitress: Not even the pie?

Sally Albright: No, I want the pie, but then not heated.

Grant Funkyerdoder: [faking an orgasm] OH, yeah. Oh yeah that's it! Yes! Yes, yes, yes. Y-y-y-y-yes! Whew... yes.

Waitress: So you're saying you want the porkchops?

Julia Jones: I'll have what he's having.

[They drunkenly barge into some tearooms]

Withnail: [pointing at a table] All right here?

Waitress: What do you want?

Withnail: Cake. All right here?

Waitress: No, we're closing in a minute.

Withnail: We're leaving in a minute.

[he sits down and picks up a menu]

Withnail: We want cake and tea.

Tea Shop Proprietor: Didn't you hear? She said she'd closed. What do you want in here?

Withnail: Cake. What's it got to do with you?

Tea Shop Proprietor: I happen to be the proprietor. Now, would you leave?

Withnail: Ah! I'm glad you're the proprietor, I was gonna have to have a word with you anyway. We're working on a film up here. Locations, see. We might wanna do a film in here.

Tea Shop Proprietor: You're drunk.

Marwood: Just bring out the cakes.

Withnail: Cake and fine wine.

Waitress: If you don't leave, we'll call the police.

Withnail: Balls! We want the finest wines available to humanity. And we want them here, and we want them now!

Tea Shop Proprietor: Miss Blennerhassett, telephone the police.

Marwood: [with his mouth full] All right, Miss Blennerhassett, I'm warning you, if you do, you're fired. We are multimillionaires. We shall buy this place and fire you immediately.

Withnail: Yes, we'll buy this place and we'll install a fucking jukebox in here and liven all you stiffs up a bit!

Tea Shop Proprietor: The police, Miss Blennerhassett. Just say there are a couple of drunks in the Penrith tearooms and we want them removed.

Marwood: We are not drunks, we are multimillionaires!

Tea Shop Proprietor: Hurry up, Mabs. We'll keep them here til they arrive.

Withnail: You won't keep us anywhere. We'll buy this place and have it knocked down!

[Monty's Rolls-Royce pulls up outside the window]

Marwood: [pulling back the lace curtain] 'S alright, 's alright, s'alright... We're going, our car has arrived!

Withnail: [staggering out] We'll be back. We're coming back in here.

Waitress: Hi, can I get you two a drink?

Starsky: You sure can sweetheart. Johnnie Red neat, ok, do it, Do It.

Waitress: Alright, and you?

Hutch: Do it, Bacardi and cola, do it, do it.

Waitress: Ok? I'll be right back.

Starsky: What are you doing?

Hutch: What?

Starsky: What was that? You just stole my voice.

Hutch: No, I didn't.

Starsky: Yes, you did. You got to come up with your own voice, ok, that's my thing.

Hutch: What am I supposed to do? I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

Starsky: You come up with your own character. That's why you're the Texas oil tycoon guy...

Waitress: Look pal, the food counters closed,the bar is closed,my eyes are closing. In fact, the whole joints closed.

Waitress: Are you

[hesitates]

Waitress: Lucas Sergeant?

[he nods]

Waitress: Could I have your autograph? I'm an actress, too. You're my favorite director, after Joe Gideon. I'm so sorry your show was a flop.

Lucas Sergeant: [sarcastically as he signs a napkin] Best of luck with your career.

Gravis Mushnik: Bring me whisky, rum, wine, gin, bourbon...

Waitress: What?

Gravis Mushnik: ...scotch, rye, tequila, sake, Manischewitz...

Waitress: Did you bring the money?

Gravis Mushnik: Don't work me with the money. I've got to get drunk, now!

Randy: I'll have a beer.

Waitress: What kind?

Randy: A Mick.

Waitress: A what?

Randy: A Mick... ya know, Michelob?

Waitress: You got ID?

Randy: [pretends to look for ID] Shit, ya know, I must've left it at work.

Waitress: No ID, no Mick.

Randy: Alright then, I'll have a cup of joe.

Waitress: A what?

[both girls look at her incredulously]

Waitress: Just kidding, two cups of coffee coming up.

Randy: Everyone's got to be a kidder.

Waitress: Sir, here's that explosive coffee. Two sugars.

Waitress: And how would you like that cooked?

Michael Felgate: Ree.

Waitress: Excuse me?

Michael Felgate: Rah.

Waitress: Raw?

Michael Felgate: Rahr.

Waitress: Rare? And to drink?

Michael Felgate: Bee.

Waitress: Beer?

Michael Felgate: Yah.

Waitress: You talk funny.

Duncan: Say, babe, what time do you get off?

Waitress: 2.30

Duncan: Can I watch?

Grace Beasley: That's Tom Jones.

Nola Fox: Don't you think I'd know my own brother's voice?

Waitress: Actually, it's Tom Jones. I put the CD on myself.

Nola Fox: [slaps waitress across the face] SLUT.

[Kevin checking the contents of 'his suit bag']

Kevin: All right let's see what we've got... I don't care if it don't look good,just fit...

[noticing the 'GFH' initials on the suit]

Kevin: GFH?

[he looks further and he found the brand tag]

Kevin: Groverton Funeral Home? I'm dead... I'm *dead*...

[guests wondering what 'GFH' stands for at Kevin's suit]

1st Guest: What is that stand for?

Kevin: My great-grandfather, General Francois Heimlich Manuever, World War 1 and 2

1st Guest: Good guy.

2nd Guest: What does it stand for?

Kevin: Gemstones Furs, and Haberdasheries.

[to 3rd guest]

Kevin: Graduated, Full Honors, Oxford. I guess you wouldn't know about that.

3rd Guest: I went to Harvard

Kevin: Yeah, Harvard *Street*

[to a Priest]

Kevin: Oh, It's a gospel group I was with, Godliness, Faithful and Honest

Priest: Ah, amen.

Kevin: [to other guests] Geeks For Hire,a temporary service. You'd fit it, you ought to call us. Gas From Humans... Girls From the Hood... G-strings For the Huge... Gotta Feed the Hungry... Girls Feeding Homies

Waitress: It's that a joke?

Kevin: [to a female guest] Good, Fine and Healthy and baby, you're it. *BAM!* You know what I'm saying?

[female guest leaves Kevin]

Narrator: [voice over] After an hour or so, Doc was tired of driving. Something more was needed to combat his restlessness, with an element of danger maybe. Because he could find no one to get into a fight with, he did the next best thing.

Waitress: What'll it be.

Doc: A beer milkshake.

Waitress: Do you have those clean glasses?

Swanson: [doesn't answer, looks her up and down]

Waitress: ...I'm sorry, are you deaf?

Swanson: [covering his nose] Oh, God, your fucking breath, it smells like this dirty, this, oh-I can't tell if it's the trash here, or your breath.

Waitress: There was something I was meaning to ask you, have you tried using the dish soap to clean out your asshole?

Swanson: Yeah, I use it all the time.

Waitress: Because you stink.

Swanson: [gesturing to the sink] I actually, this is where I shower, I shower, I put my head in here...

Waitress: Oh really, you can fit in there?

Swanson: Yeah. Oh you know what Rodrigo was asking me about, uh, making some bread, and I guess they're out of yeast, so they were wondering if they could use, uh, some of the yeast from your vagina, 'cause I notice how infected it gets?

Waitress: Yeah, he spoke to me about that, and I directed him to, uh, ask you about your dick cheese. See if that would maybe help.

Swanson: Oh, wow. So good, so funny! You're so funny!

Waitress: You are! You are!

Swanson: I didn't realize you were so funny!

Waitress: I didn't realize you were!

Swanson: ...you know I'm a convicted rapist, right? They told you that?

Waitress: No.

Swanson: Oh really, I thought they were supposed to let all the employees know about that.

Waitress: No, they didn't tell me.

Swanson: Yeah, I rape anything I can get my hands on. Alright?

Waitress: Mm-hm.

Swanson: [getting the glasses] Are these for you?

Waitress: Thank you.

Swanson: Okay, great, good luck!

Waitress: Bye, bye!

Sonny: What kind of champagne do you have?

Waitress: Schlitz.

Ethel Williams: Waitress, waitress darling. Another round please.

Waitress: Are you sure, madam?

Ethel Williams: Madam is sure.

Waitress: Madam is crocked.

Waitress: Who gets the bone?

Waitress: You keep your sticky fingers off me back-bums!

Jimmy Charoo: 'ere, I've half a mind to give you a bit of a

[slaps waitress on her behind]

Jimmy Charoo: knee trembler right now.

Waitress: Ooh! You keep your sticky fingers off my back buns.

Graham Marshall: [joining Stella at the bar] Everyone's so... young!

Graham Marshall: [to waitress] Scotch on the rocks, please. No, wait a minute - I'll have something vibrant and youthful.

Waitress: Do you want a Shirley Temple?

Graham Marshall: Uh, no, the scotch will be fine - I'll have a side order of bran flakes.

Waitress: Coffins? A coffin? Are you nuts? What would I do with a coffin?

Brewster: Hey, we all need one eventually, darlin'.

Waitress: Not me. I'm gonna be cremated and have my ashes mailed to Val Kilmer.

Waitress: Last time I saw you, I was still a virgin.

Brewster: Last time I saw you was the last time you were!

Waitress: Hey honey, if you see a pair of polka-dot panties in there, be a doll and bring them in with you. I think I left them by accident when I took my morning dinky.

Waitress: What you carrying today, Brewster? Anything that nobody'd notice if one went missing?

Brewster: Sure, darlin'. I'm sure there's one in the back that would fit you just fine.

Waitress: Really? Would I get a lot of use from it?

Brewster: Oh, yeah. You'd use it a long time.

Waitress: Nice. What is it?

Brewster: Coffins.

Pumpkin: Garçon! Coffee!

[the waitress approaches the table and refills Pumpkin's cup]

Waitress: 'Garçon' means boy.

[last lines]

Waitress: Excuse me, but are you Paul Sheldon?

Paul Sheldon: Yes.

Waitress: I just wanted to tell you I'm your number one fan.

Paul Sheldon: That's... very sweet of you...

Waitress: Hi sweetie, what's your name?

Gracie Hiller: [after Slim tells her to drop her chosen name "Queen Elizabeth] I don't know.

Waitress: Um sir, we don't have a liquor license here, so I'm afraid you're going to have to...

Early Grayce: Oh that's okay, I've got plenty more of this where it come from.

[Waitress spills ice all over the table]

Waitress: Oh, my, I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Thanks, that's okay.

Edgar Price: Stop it. You know sweetie, we are what we do in this world, and you're a waitress. All that requires is that you bring the food to and from the table without making a mess. That's it. So when you screw up somthing as incredibly simple as that, doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about you does it.

Waitress: I'm sor... I'm sorry.

Vince Holland: If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change.

Edgar Price: They ought to fire her. I always say a bad hire strengthens the competition's hand. A good general feeds off his enemy.

Nelson Moss: Actually, Sun Tsu said that last line. In The Art of War.

[Bobby wants plain toast, which isn't on the menu]

Bobby: I'd like an omelet, plain, and a chicken salad sandwich on wheat toast, no mayonnaise, no butter, no lettuce. And a cup of coffee.

Waitress: A #2, chicken salad sand. Hold the butter, the lettuce, the mayonnaise, and a cup of coffee. Anything else?

Bobby: Yeah, now all you have to do is hold the chicken, bring me the toast, give me a check for the chicken salad sandwich, and you haven't broken any rules.

Waitress: You want me to hold the chicken, huh?

Bobby: I want you to hold it between your knees.

Waitress: Unless that little pastry inside comes with a bicycle pump and two sisters, there ain't gonna be a farm animal safe for three counties tonight.

Waitress: [to Dusty, who has just walked in clean-shaven and with a haircut] Hey you.

Dusty Wyatt Chandler: [guarded... thinking he's been found] Hello.

Waitress: Haven't seen you around before.

[Dusty doesn't answer]

Waitress: You new?

Dusty Wyatt Chandler: Yeah.

[more relaxed knowing the waitress doesn't recognize him]

Dusty Wyatt Chandler: Brand new.

Waitress: Well, welcome.

Dusty Wyatt Chandler: [smiles] Well, thanks.

Waitress: How was the opera tonight, sir?

Erik Destler: An inspiration.

Waitress: You're stoned out of your mind, aren't you? Oh man. What's the matter with you guys, isn't the real world good enough for you, love freak?

Waitress: [to Mamuwalde] Hi! What'll you have?

Mamuwalde: Make it a Bloody Mary.

Waitress: Would you like to hear the specials?

Gigi: Sure!

Sarah: Ugh, you're not going to eat it...

Gigi: But they work so hard to memorize them.

Waitress: So you're just going to sit here drinking coffee all night long.

Christine Brown: Yes... Maybe! What's it to you?

Waitress: Honey, I make my money on tips. Coffee drinkers don't tip.

Christine Brown: [holds up envelope containing the cursed button] Honey, just keep the coffee coming, or I'll give you a tip you won't forget!

Rod, Waitress: [first lines]

Rod: Hi.

Waitress: Hi.

Waitress: Here's the menu.

Rod: Thank you.

Waitress: I'll be right back with you.

Waitress: And to drink?

Chuck: Coke

Waitress: Pepsi okay?

Chuck: Pepsi. Is Pepsi okay? No. No, my dear lady, Pepsi is not okay. Look, I don't mean to be rude here but let me school you on something. See, Pepsi, this so-called choice of a new generation, is nothing but a charlatan, a fraud, an imposter. See, the Pepsi cooperation, through years of slick advertising using glitzy popstars and pseudo-scientific research, have somehow conviced the public that their product is as good as, if not better than, Coke. Coke, however, is the original cola based carbonated beverage. The original real thing. That is what I want.

Waitress: All we have is Pepsi.

Chuck: You know, I've been somewhere else where they don't let you decide what you want to drink: Red China.

Waitress: We just have Pepsi now. That okay?

Chuck: Is Pepsi okay. Is. Pepsi. Okay? No, ma'am. It most certainly is not. Pepsi, the so-called choice of a new generation, is nothing but a charlatan. A fraud. An impostor, and a poor one at that. The Pepsi-Cola company has somehow, through years of advertisements featuring well-known recording artists and pseudo-scientific research, convinced the world's population that Pepsi-Cola is comparable to, if not better than, Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola being the first carbonated cola drink, truly the real thing. You know, I've been another place where they don't let you choose what you want to drink. Red China.

Waitress: And another thing. Don't be so free with your hands.

The Great Man: Listen, honey. I was only trying to guess your weight. You take things too seriously.

The Great Man: I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

Waitress: You're as funny as a cry for help.

Waitress: [to the Great Man] You're as funny as a cry for help! You also pulled that old gag about breaking your fork in the gravy!

Waitress: You know, there's something awfully big about you.

The Great Man: Hunh-huh. Thank you, dear, thank you, dear, thaank...

Waitress: [Interrupting] Your nose!

Waitress: [after she turns her back to him, he stares at her derriere] Something awfully big about you too!

The Great Man: Have, uh, you any imported cigars?

Waitress: 'Stingeroos', four for a nickel.

The Great Man: Oh, that's fine. As long as they're imported.

[she holds out box of cigars, he takes four]

The Great Man: You know, if anybody ever comes in here and gives you a ten dollar tip... uh, scrutinize it carefully. There's a lot of that counterfeit money going around.

[she holds out her hand for the money for the cigars]

The Great Man: I'll give you the dough. Don't...

[puts a coin in her hand]

The Great Man: Here... there.

Waitress: If I get any counterfeit nickels or pennies, I'll know where they came from

[first lines]

Waitress: How you doin', Kris?

Waitress: So, what can I get you little chickens this morning? Some silver dollar pancakes? Or some piggies in a blanket, I bet?

Ben: Two coffees, both black.

[Stanley's drinking alone and a waitress takes away the spent dishes]

Waitress: Hey ummm if you want more corn beef, there's heaps out the back. Cheer up. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

Stanley: ...Latifah?

Waitress: You are leaving? Where are you going?

Matthew 'Matt' Farragher: Oh, for a couple of weeks of fun in the sun with my kids.

Waitress: Kids? You have kids?

Chewy: How about a lap dance?

Waitress: You don't have a lap, honey.

Bill Whipple: The lady will have poached eggs on toast... and tea.

Waitress: [Towards the kitchen] A COUPLE OF CLUCKS ON A WHITE SLAB!