Waiter Quotes in Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)


Waiter Quotes:

  • Waiter: Would sir care for a drink?

    Gary 'Eggsy' Unwin: Martini. Gin, not vodka, obviously. Stirred for 10 seconds while glancing at an unopened bottle of vermouth. Thank you.

  • Waiter: What will you drink sir?

    James Bond: Malt whiskey and branch water, please.

  • Waiter: Follow me.

    Jen Yu: I want a clean room.

    Waiter: We have plenty... Your order?

    Jen Yu: Steamed whole cod, bite-size meatballs, a little starchy but keep the sauce light, shark fin soup, mixed vegetables and some warm wine.

    Waiter: We only have one chef.

    Jen Yu: Then get him started.

  • Waiter: [Bond's waiter shows him the wine label] With the compliments...

    James Bond: PHUYUCK?

    Waiter: '74, sir.

    James Bond: [Bond sips some wine] I approve.

    Goodnight: [looking at him incredulously] You do?

    James Bond: Oh, not the wine, your frock. Tight in all the right places, not too many buttons.

    Goodnight: Standard uniform for Southeast Asia. The buttons are down the back.

    James Bond: Designed by Q no doubt. One of them is a suicide pill I suppose?

    Goodnight: No, but the bottom one has a homer in it.

    James Bond: How original.

  • [Porter's stolen card has been cancelled while he is dining in]

    Waiter: Sir, your credit card has been rejected.

    Porter: Impossible.

    Waiter: Well, I tried it three times. Do you have any other form of payment?

    Porter: Try it again.

    [the waiter walks away, Porter grabs all his cash and leaves the restuarant]

  • Waiter: I am the waiter, sir.

    Hudson Hawk: Oh. Very nice. Fettucini con fungi porcinni. Prego. Oh, and bring me a bottle of ketchup, will ya?

    Anna: You heard him.

    Waiter: Ketchup! Ketchup! Stupid Americanos, always ketchup...

  • Waiter: How would you like your steaks cooked?

    Pepper: Oh, just knock its horns off, wipe its nasty ass, and chunk it right here on this plate.

  • Brentwood Glasscock: Chief is one of the Osage millionaires.

    Waiter: Last year they wouldn't even let him in, but uh, policy's changed.

    Willis Newton: Oh, yeah. Why's that?

    Waiter: He bought the place.

  • Waiter: Avec de l'eau?

    Jonathan: A Victor who?

    Waiter: With water?

  • Jonathan: Mon crayon est grand et mon crayon est jaune.

    Waiter: Your pencil is big and yellow?

    Jonathan: Oui!

    Waiter: Nice for you.

  • Jim Douglas: We've lost our car, and we'd like to know if you've seen it by any chance.

    Diane Darcy: Who cares about your silly Volkswagen? My Lancia has been stolen!

    Waiter: [points to Diane] Uh, your car.

    [then points over to Jim and Wheely]

    Waiter: And your car.

    Jim Douglas: Yes.

    Waiter: I saw them both.

    Diane Darcy: Then you saw who stole them?

    Waiter: You would not believe this. I would not believe this. No one would believe this.

    Jim Douglas: What?

    Waiter: I think they steal each other.

  • One Armed Bum: [smashes flies on table with his hand] One, two, three, four, five, six, seven... I killed seven with one blow! A new record! Hahahahahahahaaa! Hey waiter, bring me some more wine and food, would ya? Hahahaha!

    Waiter: [after eating, Bum realizes he has no money to pay, gets up and tries to leave] What's this? You leaving? Without paying your bill?

    One Armed Bum: And, and what if I haven't paid? Do you know who I am, huh?

    Waiter: [laughs incredulously] Who are ya?

    One Armed Bum: [slaps waiter's hand] Godammit! You don't know who I am? You never heard of me? Well, listen: Listen all of you! I happen to be the "One Armed Boxer!" See that? I killed seven! That should be enough for you! Yeah, I killed seven with one blow! Did you ever hear of anyone doing that?

    [small crowd gathers]

    Waiter: Alright, where are the seven men you killed then?

    One Armed Bum: Well, they weren't exactly men... they were flies!

    [everyone laughs]

    Fung Sheng Wu Chi: [Fung Sheng Wu Chi throws flying guillotine at One Armed Bum, decapitating him. Everyone panics and runs. Fung Sheng approaches waiter] Was he the One Armed Boxer?

    Waiter: He wasn't the One Armed Boxer! He was just a bum!

    [waiter leaves]

    Fung Sheng Wu Chi: I don't care who he was. I plan to kill every one armed man I come across here.

  • Ben Morris: And now, for Stopes.

    Alison Duguesne: Eh, derelict Englishman, formerly an officer in the Coldstream Guards, cashiered for some scandal.

    Ben Morris: Sodden with rum, brooding over a wasted life.

    Alison Duguesne: There he is now.

    [their waiter arrives]

    Alison Duguesne: Uh, excuse me, is that Mr. Stopes?

    Waiter: *Capitan* Stopes, Senorita.

  • Waiter: [Hermione hides from Cormac at the Christmas party. Waiter offers hors d'oeuvres] Dragon tartare?

    Hermione Granger: No, thank you.

    Harry Potter: I'm fine.

    Waiter: Just as well. They give you terrible bad breath.

    Hermione Granger: On second thought...

    [grabs the tray and gobbles two]

    Hermione Granger: Maybe they'll keep McLaggen at bay... oh, God, here he comes!

  • Waiter: Two scoops, sir?

    Kevin McCallister: Two? Make it three. I'm not driving.

  • Randall: Waiter, more champagne!

    Waiter: Yes, sir.

    Randall: And plenty of ice.

    [followed immediately by the Titanic striking the iceberg]

  • Patrick Star: Well, saying you're a kid, it's like saying I'M a kid!

    Waiter: Here's your Goober Meal, sir.

    Patrick Star: Uh, I'm supposed to get a toy with this?

    [toy smacks Patrick in the face]

    Patrick Star: Thanks.

  • Waiter: [slowly swims into SpongeBob's vision as he wakes up] Hey. Hey, get up. Hey, come on, buddy. I wanna go home. Come on, pal.

    SpongeBob SquarePants: [after recovering] Oh, my head.

    [He looks drunk]

    Waiter: Listen to me. It's 8 in the morning. Go scrape up your friend and get going.

    SpongeBob SquarePants: My


    SpongeBob SquarePants: ...friend?

    [notices Patrick lying under a collapsed table]

    SpongeBob SquarePants: Patrick. Hey, what's up, buddy?

    [falls over]

    SpongeBob SquarePants: Wait, you said 8:00. I'm late for work. Mr. Krabs is gonna be...

    [remembers what happened the day before, face switches from horror to anger]

    SpongeBob SquarePants: [Disgustedly] Mr. Krabs.

  • [when seeing Fozzie perform for the first time]

    Kermit: This guy's lost.

    Waiter: Maybe he should try Hare Krishna.

    Kermit: Good grief, it's a running gag.

  • [Charlie Brown & Co. are at an English restaurant, waited upon by a waiter with a thick Cockney accent]

    Waiter: All right Guv'nor, you ready to order?

    Charlie Brown: Can you help us with the menu?

    Waiter: For the gentlemen, I recommend the beef & kidney pie. The shepherds pie's rather nice for the ladies. A cheddar & pickle sandwich is rather toppo. What'll be your pleasure, mate?

    Charlie Brown: What is...

    [to Marcie]

    Charlie Brown: What did he say?

    Marcie: Perhaps I should have studied *English*, not French.

  • Waiter: Hi, would you like some water?

    Loretta King: No. No water. No liquids! I'm terribly allergic to them.

  • [In a restaurant with Sophia Loren]

    Waiter: What would sir and madam say to a little fish?

    Peter Sellers: I'd probably say "Hello little fish!"

  • Waiter: Love, it's a motherfucker, huh?

  • Waiter: And don't worry. For the Godfather, it's always on the house.

  • Waiter: You are beautiful. But no offense, he, he is the king. You are having pie and coffee with a living legend.

  • Waiter: [Scottie tosses the waiter a nickel] Ah! A nickel!

    [waiter shows his manager]

    Waiter: You see this?

    [slaps the manager]

    Waiter: I quit. I open my own hotel.

  • Dewey Finn: Ms. Mullins, would like to get a cup of coffee with me?

    Rosalie Mullins: You'd like me to get a coffee with you?

    Dewey Finn: Yeah, I would.

    [Cuts to a waiter holding beers]

    Rosalie Mullins: Are you sure you don't sell coffee here?

    Waiter: [In squeaky accent] Uh-huh, I'm quite sure.

  • Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided.

    Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral?

    Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.

  • Waiter: Malkovich?

    John Malkovich: MALKOVICH!

    Waiter: Malkovich.

  • Waiter: [referring to two rhinos having sex] You won't see that in New Jersey.

  • Daniel Cleaver: [lands on restaurant table] I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!

    Mark Darcy: [places hand in someone's salad] Oh, God! I'm sorry!

    [wipes dirty hand on man's suit]

    Mark Darcy: I really am sorry. I-I will pay.

    Daniel Cleaver: Had enough Darcy?

    Mark Darcy: Not quite, if that's all right by you.

    [punches Daniel hard]

    Waiter: Happy birthday to you...

    [everyone joins in, stopping fight]

    Waiter: Happy birthday to you!

    Mark Darcy: Happy birthday dear what's-his-name...

    Daniel Cleaver: Happy birthday to you...

    [tackles Darcy, both fly out window]

  • Waiter: What is your name?

    General Aladeen: My name is Allison Burgers.

    Waiter: That is a made up name. What is your real name?

    General Aladeen: My name is Ladiz.

    Waiter: Ladiz what?

    General Aladeen: Ladiz Washroom.

    Waiter: [notices sign that says "Ladies Wash Room"] Ladies Wash Room. Your name is like the sign. What is your real name?

    General Aladeen: My name is Emplyes.

    Waiter: Emplyes what?

    General Aladeen: Emplyes Mustwashhands.

    Waiter: [notices sign "Employees Must Wash Hands"] That is a made up name. Tell us your real name. We are interested. We are all interested.

    General Aladeen: My name is Max.

    Waiter: Max?

    General Aladeen: Imumoccupancy120.

    Waiter: [notices sign "Maximum Occupancy 120 Persons"] There is a number in your name. WHO ARE YOU? AN ALADEEN SYMPATHIZER?


    Waiter: IT'S HIM! IT'S ALADEEN!

  • Waiter: [General Aladeen has wandered into a restaurant full of Wadiyan ex patriots] Welcome to the Death To Aladeen Restaurant. If you hate General Aladeen and like good food, this is the place for you.

  • Waiter: Armand, the Kennedys are here again for supper, third time this week, you want to pick up their tab?

    Armand: Ted?

    Waiter: No, just the younger ones.

    Armand: Wish we could get Ted. Give 'em a free round of coffee.

  • Hillary Flammond: [in German] What do you recommend?

    Waiter: [in German] I recommend the pork bellies marinated in diced pig entrails or the roast swine knuckles poached with flaming hog balls.

    Nick Rivers: Anything's fine.

  • Mrs. Hendy: Do all philosophers have an S in them?

    Mr. Hendy: Yeah I think most of them do.

    Mrs. Hendy: Oh... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?

    Mr. Hendy: Yeah... Right, she could be... she sings about the Meaning of Life.

    Mrs. Hendy: Yeah, that's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.

    Mr. Hendy: No. Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material?

    Mrs. Hendy: No... Burt Bacharach writes it.

    Mr. Hendy: There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach...

    Mrs. Hendy: ...Or in Hal David...

    Mr. Hendy: Who's Hal David?

    Mrs. Hendy: He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes... only now he's married to Carole Bayer Sager...

    Mr. Hendy: Oh... Waiter... this conversation isn't very good.

    Waiter: Oh, I'm sorry, sir... We *do* have one today that's not on the menu. It's a sort of... er... speciality of the house: Live Organ Transplants.

  • Brian Jackson: Can you tell me what year it is?

    Waiter: 1985.

    Brian Jackson: [laughing] No, I know what year it is. I meant, what year is the wine?

    Waiter: 1985.

  • Marylin Rexroth: What was your performance about this afternoon?

    Miles Massey: What did your lawyer say?

    Marylin Rexroth: Freddy, thinks you're a buffoon. He says you've been too successful. You're bored, complacent and you're on your way down.

    Miles Massey: But you don't think so.

    Marylin Rexroth: How do you know?

    Miles Massey: Why would you be here?

    Marylin Rexroth: Why did you ask me?

    Miles Massey: Can't I be curious?

    Marylin Rexroth: About what?

    Miles Massey: Do you ever answer a question?

    Marylin Rexroth: Do you?

    Miles Massey: [changing the subject, to the waiter] I'll have the tournedos of beef. The lady will have the same. Thank you.

    Waiter: Thank you, Sir.

  • Scott Calvin: Did I miss anything?

    Business Guy Across from Him: No, we were, uh, just about to order lunch.

    Scott Calvin: Great! I'm starving.

    Susan Perry: I'll have a salad and iced tea, and dressing on the side.

    Mr. Whittle: Ah, pasta and tomatoes, uh, and very light on the oil. Can you do that?

    Scott Calvin: And I'll have a caesar. No dressing. And one of those homemade cookies, the warm chocolate chip. No nuts. And a little slice of cheesecake. Uh, crème brulee, and, um, hot fudge sundae, extra hot fudge.

    [licks his lips, sees people looking weirdly at him]

    Scott Calvin: On the side.

    Waiter: Anything to drink?

    Scott Calvin: Ice cold milk.

    Susan Perry: [wondering if he was really honest with them about his suddenly big belly] Stung by a bee, Scott?

    Scott Calvin: A big bee.

  • Waiter: Telephone call, commissioner.

    Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Thank you.

    [picks up phone]

    Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Hello?... He did what?... How many animals escaped?... Oh, my God...

    Lt. Frank Drebin: Good evening, commissioner. You're looking lovely tonight.

    Commissioner Anabell Brumford: Do you realize that because of you this city is being overrun by baboons?

    Lt. Frank Drebin: Well, isn't that the fault of the voters?

    [Frank walks away, leaving Commissioner Brumford with an astonished face]

  • Waiter: Sir?

    Lt. Frank Drebin: Gimme the strongest thing you got.

    [Waiter brings over a greased-up muscle man. Drebin flounders]

    Lt. Frank Drebin: Uh... on second thought, how about a black Russian?

    Waiter: Very well sir.

    [raises eyebrow, looks at camera, shakes head and walks off]

  • Lt. Frank Drebin: [Waiter at Blue Note hands him a drink] I've got one already.

    Waiter: It's from the lady

    [Frank looks up. Jane waves at him from across the room]

    Lt. Frank Drebin: [Sitting down again after making his way across the room] I just want someone to hold, someone to love.

    Jane Spencer: [Interrupting him from a nearby table] Frank, I'm over here.

    [Frank looks up and discovers that the table occupied by a man. The man looks at him tersely]

  • Jethro: [looking over buffet during Jed's birthday party] What's all this?

    Waiter: Sushi, calamari, caviar.

    Jethro: What? Speak American!

  • Fletch: Do you have any caviar?

    Waiter: Si señor, Beluga, but it is 80 dollars a portion.

    Fletch: Well, then I better just take two portions of that.

  • Waiter: Excuse me, Señor. You are a member of the club?

    Fletch: No, I'm not, I'm with the Underhills.

    Waiter: They already left, Señor.

    Fletch: It's all right, they'll be back. He went out for his urinalysis.

    Waiter: Would you like some drinks, Señor, while you wait? I will put it on the Underhills' bill.

    Fletch: Yes, very good. I'll have a Bloody Mary and a steak sandwich and... a steak sandwich, please.

  • Waiter: Gracias, señor.

    Fletch: Tierra Del Fuego.

  • Larry Talbot: Have you seen Chick Young or Wilbur Grey?

    Waiter: Seen 'em? I don't even know them.

  • Victoria: The bourguignon was just a little tough.

    Waiter: Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.

    Toddy: Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?

    Victoria: [holding up a glass] This is all they have.

    Toddy: This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!

    Waiter: [irritated] How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.

    Toddy: Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.

    Waiter: I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.

    Toddy: It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

    Waiter: And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.

  • Victoria: Could I see the wine list?

    Waiter: We have a white 1934, we have a red 1934. Last week we had some Rosee, but we're using it in the salad.

  • Toddy: Are you impugning this lady's integrity?

    Waiter: She's impugning my salad.

  • Waiter: What would you like for dinner?

    William Lightbody: Toast.

    Waiter: And how would you like that, sir?

    William Lightbody: Toasted.

  • [first lines]

    Sam Stone: Carol, did I ever tell you why I married her?

    Carol: Yes, Sam, you told me many, many...

    Sam Stone: Her father was very, very rich, and very, very sick. The doctors assured me he'd be dead any minute. There wasn't a second to lose! I rushed right out and married the boss's daughter. He was so sick, it was like the Angel of Death was sitting in the room with him, watching the clock. They pulled the plug on him... he wheezed and shook for about an hour... and then... he stabilized. The son-of-a-bitch just got older and sicker. And older, and sicker, and older and sicker...!

    Waiter: More coffee, sir?

    Sam Stone: No!

    [the waiter leaves]

    Sam Stone: I couldn't wait any longer, so I went out and made my own fortune. The old fart hung in there for 15 years. Finally died of natural causes. I want the rest of that money! His money, her money, it's my money!

  • Waiter: [taking the boys' order] May I suggest...

    Bambino: No, you may not! Just bring us something to eat. And on the double!

  • Waiter: Are you ready to order?

    Rose: Yes, goddammit. I'm going to have the fucking poached salmon, with the son-of-a-bitching rice, and a dirty bastard salad with a shitload of Roquefort dressing. Thank you. And um, who knows what this asshole wants.

    Eddie Birdlace: Uh, I'll just take a fucking beer.

  • Waiter: It's like me, fruity yet oddly appealing.

  • Otis B. Driftwood: Have you got any milk-fed chickens?

    Waiter: Yes, sir.

    Otis B. Driftwood: Well, squeeze the milk out of one and bring me a glass.

  • [first lines]

    Waiter: The gentleman has not arrived yet?

    Mrs. Claypool: No, he has not.

    Waiter: I'm afraid the dinner will be spoiled.

    Otis B. Driftwood: What difference does it make? It's too late to dine now.

    Otis B. Driftwood: Oh, boy?

    Bellboy: Yes, ma'am?

    Otis B. Driftwood: Will you page Mr. Otis B. Driftwood, please? Mister Otis B. Driftwood.

    Bellboy: Paging Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood!

    Bellboy: [Driftwood's dinner companion giggles out loud] Mr. Driftwood! Mr. Driftwood!

    Otis B. Driftwood: Boy, would you do me a favor and stop yelling my name all over this restaurant? Do I go around yelling your name?

    Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood!

    Otis B. Driftwood: [Driftwood gets up and looks about the dining room] Say, is your voice changing, or is somebody else paging me around here?

    Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood!

    Otis B. Driftwood: Why, Mrs. Claypool, hello!

    Mrs. Claypool: Mr. Driftwood, you invited me to dine with you at 7:00; it is now 8:00 and no dinner.

    Otis B. Driftwood: What do you mean, no dinner? I just had one of the biggest meals I ever had in my life,and no thanks to you, either.

    Mrs. Claypool: I've been sitting right here since 7:00.

    Otis B. Driftwood: Yes, with your back to me. When I invite a woman to dinner, I expect her to look at my face; that's the price she has to pay.

  • Dale Putley: I wrote this musical called "Hello, Doctor, it's Still Swollen." It had a great opening, went like this: "Hello Mr. Colon, my prostate's feelin' swollen. I think that things are flowin' not so well."

    [Knock on the door]

    Dale Putley: Breakfast! "I'm feelin' kinda heinous cause there's something in my..."

    Waiter: Morning!

  • Waiter: Yes, Baron. What should we start with, Baron? Hmm?

    Gaston Monescu: Oh yes. That's not so easy. Beginnings are always difficult.

    Waiter: Yes, Baron.

    Gaston Monescu: If Casanova suddenly turned out to be Romeo having supper with Juliet, who might become Cleopatra, how would you start?

    Waiter: I would start with cocktails.

  • Waiter: Just pay up and get out of here.

    Leprechaun: So it's me gold you be wanting?

    Waiter: Gold Card, Visa, Master, I'd prefer cash, but maybe you're a little short.

    [laughs hysterically]

    Waiter: Ha ha, aw you kill me.

    Leprechaun: Now there's an idea!

  • Waiter: Professor Brown, he's a geologist. Him and his wife stopped at the last place I worked. Do you know sir, it was Professor Brown who told me that this sea coast 'round here is really a... an igneous intrusion.

    Guy Holden: You know, you're somewhat of an igneous intrusion yourself.

    Waiter: Oh thank you sir!

  • Waiter: I have an unnatural passion for rocks.

    Guy: You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

  • Waiter: Pardon, you, you uh rang sir?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Who me? Well, my dear fellow, what is there here to ring with?

    Waiter: Pardon sir, that's just a figure of speech.

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Oh, oh. Uhuh. Well, bring me a... let me have a... eh, there there. You see? Your figure of speech has made me forget entirely what I wanted.

    Waiter: Could it have been that you require crumpets?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: No no no, I never ring for crumpets.

    Waiter: Would you be the kind of man who would ring for a toasted scone, sir?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Scone? Well, now uh, no. no. Try me again.

    Waiter: Well, then could you, could you imagine yourself with a hankering for a nice gooseberry tart?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Oh what an acid thought. Please.

    Waiter: No crumpets. No scones. No gooseberry tart. Well that lands both of us in a cul-de-sac doesn't it, sir?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Of course it does. I knew it would.

    Waiter: You know I hate to leave you like this. You torn with doubts and me with my duty undischarged.

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Oh well cheer up old man, cheer up. It will come to me.

    Waiter: Was it animal or vegetable sir?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: No.

    Waiter: Well that leaves us mineral doesn't it sir. Now sir, was it a bit of half and half, a noggin of ale, a pipkin of porter, a stoop of stout, or a beaker of beer?

    Egbert Fitzgerald: Tea.

    Waiter: Tea. Ha. Well isn't it a small world sir.

  • Clarissa Standish: [Steve Fisk has two dozen roses delivered to Clarissa's breakfast table, an ice-carved blue duck and a hangover special. She is flustered] I'll have two dozen poached eggs and a cup of coffee, please.

    Waiter: Uh, did you say two...

    Clarissa Standish: Yes, I have the same breakfast every morning.

    Maitre d': You mean...

    Clarissa Standish: Yes, I mean exactly what I say, and please hurry. I'm hungry.

  • Waiter: He hates the coffee!

    Duffy Bergman: No, the coughing! I hate all the coughing!

  • Waiter: These are from the young man in the corner. He wanted you to know that you are like... awesome.

  • Waiter: Would you like to have anything before lunch?

    Chico: Yes, breakfast.

  • [in a candlelit restaurant]

    Waiter: Have you decided on your luncheon order, sir?

    Murray: Yes. I'll have a hamburger. And a flashlight.

  • Eric Dean: George.

    Waiter: Yes, Mr. Dean.

    Eric Dean: We're thirsty, George. Bring us two specials.

    Waiter: I beg your pardon, Mr. Dean, but I have to ask the young lady for some identification.

    Eric Dean: Young lady, the jig's up. Identify yourself. Thought you could pull a fast one, huh?

    Gayle Lewis: Sir.

    [Hands Eric her wallet]

    Eric Dean: Alright George, take notes. This is Miss Gayle Lewis, 6150 Rexford Drive, Beverly Hills, California. Got that, George?

    Waiter: Yes sir.

    Eric Dean: She's 5 foot 2. Weighs 100 pounds. How 'bout that, George?

    Waiter: Very good, sir.

    Eric Dean: Very good? My dear man, that's perfect!

  • Waiter: Yes, sir.

    Oliver: Bring us two tankards of your rarest vintage.

    Waiter: Yes, sir.

    Stanley: Yeah, and put a wallop in it.

  • Frederick Carver: [waiter serves the wine for Ellen and Mr. Carver] This is the happiest moment of my life!

    Waiter: I would taste it first, mate, if I was you.

  • Oliver Stone: Waiter! Bottle of ginger ale for Mr. Flagg!

    Waiter: [disappointed that it's not champagne] Bottle of ginger ale for Mr. Flagg.

    Oliver Stone: Domestic!

  • Waiter: Would you like to hear today's specials?

    Patrick Bateman: Not if you want to keep your spleen.

  • [last lines]

    Waiter: Are you on your own, sir?

    Virgil Oldman: No, I'm waiting for someone.

  • Rudy: Carlito, Mr. Benny Blanco says it's gonna be okay. He wants to send a bottle of champagne over, and he wants you to send Steffie over, when you're ready.

    Steffie: Carlito, what should I do?

    Carlito: No problem, Steffie.

    [to Rudy]

    Carlito: Steffie's with Dave now.

    Rudy: But Benny said...

    Carlito: Fuck Benny!

    Waiter: Carlito, this is from Benny Blanco.

    Carlito: Send it back!

    Saso: [to the waiter] Vete! Vete!

    Saso: [to Carlito] Charlie, please, you can't do this. Benny Blanco spends a lot of money here.

    Carlito: Oh, he's a nickel-bagger. Come on.

    Saso: What happened to you? What are you acting like this for? It doesn't make sense you should hate this guy. Because this guy is you 20 years ago.

  • Dr. Jeff Cameron: [drinking a cocktail in a Hawaiian restaurant] These things are like water!

    Waiter: They creep up on you.

    Dr. Jeff Cameron: [derisively] Bring me a couple more.

    Waiter: But, sir, you have four and we are only allowed two to a customer.

    Dr. Jeff Cameron: Why?

    Waiter: That drink makes a guy talk back to his mother-in-law.

    Dr. Jeff Cameron: What about his father-in-law?

    Waiter: I suppose so.

    Dr. Jeff Cameron: You've given me an idea.

  • Waiter: Good evening, gents. What'll you have?

    Johnny Franks: Beer!

    Scorpio: Make mine milk - and not skim.

  • Waiter: First rule of the night club, sir: never discuss your employers

  • Narrator: Clean food, please.

    Waiter: In that case, sir, may I advise against the lady eating clam chowder?

    Narrator: No clam chowder, thank you.

  • [During the first class dinner]

    Waiter: How do you take your caviar, sir?

    Jack: No caviar for me, thanks. Never did like it much.

  • [last lines]

    Waiter: I think maybe Mr. Newton has had enough, don't you?

    Nathan Bryce: I think maybe, he has.

    Thomas Jerome Newton: Ah.

  • Dixon Steele: There's no sacrifice too great for a chance at immortality.

    Waiter: [rolls his eyes] Yes sir.

  • Dixon Steele: There's no sacrifice too great for a chance at immortality.

    [a non-sequitur said to a confused waiter, in the bar scene]

    Waiter: Yes sir.

    [being polite, then rolling his eyes as he walks away]

  • Ebenezer: Waiter! More bread.

    Waiter: Ha'penny extra, sir.

    Ebenezer: [pauses] No more bread.

  • Waiter: Good evening. Would anybody like a drink before you have dinner?

    Alice: Yeah, how about a...!

    Maggie: How about three more bottles of your best red wine this one's almost gone!

    Alice: Maggie, I don't like red wine!

    Maggie: Who said anything about YOU I ordered for myself!

    Diane: Maggie, when did you start drinking?

    Maggie: Look, just bring one bottle of everything and we'll sort it out later!

    Waiter: Certainly. Would that be all?

    Maggie: YES...!

  • Waiter: Hey Mister, you better get yourself a new waiter. I just figured out the checks and everybody seems to be a partner. The way it adds up, you've sold 110% of this restaurant. I agreed to work here for my tips and there aren't no tips. The only paying customer was that dame that just left. She give me a dime. Here, you take it. You might need it.

  • Larry MacArthur: Bring me a bottle of champagne, 1908 Clicquot and scram.

    Waiter: Clicquot 1908 and scram. Thank you, very much.

  • Waiter: [presents a vintage French wine] Chateau Huit, 1923.

    Joe Cork: Now listen, buddy. I'm a guy you can't push around. I pay for the best, so I want the best. Now you take that 1923 stuff back, and bring me this year's model!

    Waiter: As monsieur wishes.

    [makes a long face and takes the bottle away]

  • Waiter: And for yourself?

    Baron von Schwarzdorf: I have no appetite - eh, for eating.

    Waiter: Oysters are excellent for - raising an appetite.

  • Waiter: Don't you feel like a little goose?

    Baron von Schwarzdorf: Yes, but, not so little.

  • [Buzz and Fran enter a night club]

    Waiter: How many?

    Buzz Baker: Three.

    Waiter: You said three?

    Buzz Baker: I hope we're being followed.

  • Waiter: One gentleman for two ladies?

    Buzz Baker: Oh, it's all right. I'm just going to watch.

  • Irène: Excuse me...

    Waiter: Sorry, I didn't see you.

    Irène: I'm the one who's sorry. I'm transparent.

    Waiter: What'll it be?

    Irène: Coffee.

  • Dot Lamar: [ordering at a restaurant] Oh, uh, and a cup of coffee.

    Waiter: Large or small?

    Dot Lamar: Do I look like a small cup of coffee?

  • Waiter: Bitte, mein Herr?

    Harry Palmer: No, Löwenbrau, please.

  • Julie: I've just been made Chief Executive Officer.

    Nick: No shit. Congrats. Hey, we can leverage this for that Pacific Net job.

    Julie: I thought you said they were about to go belly-up.

    Nick: With all due respect, I wasn't talking to CEO material before.

    Julie: Listen, I was a bit harsh on you before...let me buy you a drink.

    Paula: OK.

    [to waiter]

    Paula: Martell XO supreme.

    Waiter: That's twenty dollars a glass.

    Paula: I'll have a double.

  • Lee Stevens: Can you suggest any place for us to go?

    Waiter: Yes, sir. But we are not allowed to talk to customers that way.

  • [Maria throws the drink the waiter delivered in his face]

    Waiter: Why did you do that?

    Maria Sanchez: Because you're a man!

    Stella: And a better reason I never heard. Beat it!

  • Bill Stockton: That fat man over at that table... take his gun, too.

    Waiter: Si.

    Bill Stockton: By the way, his name is "Slim."

  • Leonard Shelby: Hi. Uh, Lincoln Street?

    Waiter: Oh, you just take the main road...

    Leonard Shelby: Hang on, let me write this down.

    Waiter: Oh, it's easy. You just...

    Leonard Shelby: Trust me, I need to write this down.

Browse more character quotes from Kingsman: The Secret Service (2014)