Wade Wilson Quotes in Deadpool (2016)


Wade Wilson Quotes:

  • Wade Wilson: I had another Liam Neeson nightmare. I kidnapped his daughter and he just wasn't having it.

    [Lies down in bed beside Vanessa]

    Wade Wilson: They made three of those movies. At some point you have to wonder if he's just a bad parent.

  • Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.

    Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?

    [takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]

    Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.

    [she peels off the mask]

    Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.

    Wade Wilson: Yeah.

    Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.

  • Wade Wilson: Here's what I'm actually gonna do? I'm gonna work through his crew until somebody gives up Francis, force him to fix this, and then put a bullet in his skull and fuck the brain hole.

    Weasel: I don't want to see that or think of it again. But the douchebag does think your dead, right?

    Wade Wilson: Yeah.

    Weasel: That's good. You should keep it that way.

    Wade Wilson: What, like, wear a mask?

    Weasel: Yes. A very thick mask. All the time. I am sorry... you are haunting. Your face is the stuff of nightmares.

    Wade Wilson: Like a testicle with teeth.

    Weasel: You will die alone. I mean, if you could die. Ideally, for others' sake.

  • Wade Wilson: Do you like what you see?

    Weasel: No. You look like an avocado had sex with an older, more disgusting avocado.

    Wade Wilson: Yeah.

    Weasel: Not gently. Like it was hate-fucking. There was something wrong with the relationship and that was the only catharsis that they could find without violence.

    Wade Wilson: And the only guy the who fix this fugly mug is the British shitstick who ran the mutant factory. And he's gone. Poof!

    Weasel: Yeah, well you gotta do something to remedy this because as of now, you only have one course of action.

    Wade Wilson: Damn straight. Find Francis.

    Weasel: Star in horror films.

    Wade Wilson: What?

    Weasel: Star in your own horror films. Because you look like Freddy Krueger face-fucked a topographical map of Utah.

  • Wade Wilson: [voiceover, after Vanessa has agreed to marry him] Here's the thing. Life is an endless series of trainwrecks with only brief commercial-like breaks of happiness. This had been the ultimate commercial break. Which meant it was time to return to our regularly scheduled programming.

    [Wade collapses]

  • Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?

    Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.

    Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.

  • Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Your right leg is Thanksgiving and your left leg is Christmas. Can I come and visit you between the holidays?

  • Wade Wilson: Here, check it out. She's sending away for all these colorful clinic brochures. I'm sure there all FDA approved. Chechnya, isn't that where you go to get cancer? You got China and Central Mexico. You know how they say "cancer" in Spanish?

    Weasel: No.

    Wade Wilson: El cancer.

  • Recruiter: What if I told you we can cure your cancer? And what's more, give you abilities most mean only dream of?

    Wade Wilson: I'd say that you sound like an infomercial, but not a good one, like Slap Chop. More Shake Weight-y.

  • Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.

    Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?

    [looking at his Voltron ring]

    Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!

    Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?


    Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.

    Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?

    Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?

  • Weasel: [looking for Vanessa] Have you decided what you're gonna say to her?

    Wade Wilson: [to self] Fuck me!

    Weasel: Uh, maybe not start with that.

  • [the one scene where they don't have sex]

    Wade Wilson: Happy Lent.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Happy Lent dear.

  • Blind Al: Why such a douche this morning?

    Wade Wilson: Let's recap: the cock-thistle that turned me into this freak slipped through my arms today... arm... Catching him was my only chance to be hot again, get my super sexy ex back and prevent this shit from happening to someone else, so yeah, today was about as much fun as a sandpaper dildo.

  • Recruiter: Mr. Wilson.

    Wade Wilson: How can I help you? Besides luring children into a panel van.

  • Ajax: Why don't you do us all a favor and shut the fuck up or I'll sew your pretty mouth shut.

    Wade Wilson: Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.

  • Wade Wilson: Vanessa's already working on plan's A, B, through Z. Me? I'm trying to memorize the details of her face, like it's the first time I'm seeing it... or the last.

  • [Looking at his slowly regrowing 'baby hand']

    Wade Wilson: I bet it's going to feel really big in that hand later...

  • Wade Wilson: [Looking at a text from Ajax] What is that?

    Weasel: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long.

  • Weasel: Oh, shit.

    Wade Wilson: What?

    Weasel: I put all my money on you and now I just realized I'm never going to win the, uh...

    Wade Wilson: Dead pool.

    [thinks for a moment]

    Wade Wilson: Captain Deadpool... No, just...

    WeaselWade Wilson: Just Deadpool.

    Weasel: To you, Mr. Pool. Deadpool. That sounds like a fucking franchise.

  • Wade Wilson: [to Ajax] You got something in your teeth.

  • Wade Wilson: Hey, is Ajax your actual name? Because it sounds suspiciously made up. What is it really? Kevin? Bruce? Scott? Mitch? The Rickster?

    [in British accent]

    Wade Wilson: Is it Basil Fawlty?

    Ajax: Oh, joke away. One thing that never survives in this place is a sense of humor.

    Wade Wilson: We'll see about that.

    Ajax: I suppose we will.

    Ajax: [to Angel] He's all yours.

    [Ajax leaves]

    Wade Wilson: Oh, come on. You're gonna leave me all alone here with less-angry Rosie O'Donnell?

    [Angel punches Wade]

  • Wade Wilson: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Well, I wanna remember us.

    Wade Wilson: I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box "Careless Whisper" outside your window. Wham!

    Vanessa Carlysle: No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.

  • Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, hands off the merchandise.

    Wade Wilson: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?

    Vanessa Carlysle: Yep.

    Wade Wilson: Rough childhood?

    Vanessa Carlysle: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.

    Wade Wilson: Daddy left before I was conceived.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

    Wade Wilson: Where else do you put one out?

    Vanessa Carlysle: I was molested!

    Wade Wilson: Me too. Uncle.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Uncles. They took turns.

    Wade Wilson: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...

    Vanessa Carlysle: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.

    Wade Wilson: [Gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even known sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.

    Vanessa Carlysle: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?

    Wade Wilson: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?

    Vanessa Carlysle: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.

    [Puts card in his mouth]

  • Recruiter: Mr. Wilson. Nothing warms my heart more than a change of someone else's. You finally hit "fuck it."

    Wade Wilson: Just promise you'll do right by me. So I can do right by someone else.

    Recruiter: Of course.

    Wade Wilson: And please don't make the super-suit green. Or animated.

  • Wade Wilson: Not out of the woods yet. You need to seriously ease up on the bedazzling. They're jeans, not a chandelier. P.S. I'm keeping your wallet. You did kinda give it to me.

    Gavin Merchant: Okay, just look, man, can I have my Sam's card?

    Wade Wilson: I will shoot your fucking cat!

    Gavin Merchant: I don't know what that means. I don't have a cat.

    Wade Wilson: Then whose kitty litter did I just shit in?

  • Wade Wilson: I'm just a bad guy who gets paid to fuck up worse guys. Welcome to Sister Margaret's. It's like a job fair for mercenaries. Think of us as really fucked up tooth fairies except we knock out the teeth and take the cash. You'd best hope we never see your name on a gold card.

  • Wade Wilson: [after receiving his cancer diagnosis] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns.

  • Teen Girl #1: Hey, do you think you can fuck up my stepdad?

    Wade Wilson: I give a guy a pavement facial, it's because he's earned it.

    Meghan Orlovsky: Hey, wait! You're my hero.

    Wade Wilson: No-no-no-no. That I ain't!

  • Ajax: You know the funniest part of this? You still think we're making you a superhero. You. A dishonorable discharge. Hip-deep in hookers. You're nothing. Little secret, Wade. This workshop doesn't make superheroes, we make super-slaves. We're gonna fit you with a control collar and auction you off to the highest bidder. Who know what they'll have you doing? Terrorizing citizens, putting down freedom fighters. Maybe just now the occasional lawn.

    Wade Wilson: What the fuck is wrong with you?

  • Wade Wilson: You bet on me to die? Wow. Motherfucker, you're the world's worst friend. Well, joke's on you. I'm living to 102. And then die. Like the city of Detroit.

  • Wade Wilson: What if I just held on and never let go?

    Vanessa Carlysle: Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.

    Wade Wilson: Oh, Star Wars jokes.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Empire.

    Wade Wilson: Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer.

  • Ajax: You're lovely. I don't know about anyone else, but I'm touched.

    David Cunningham: We were just joking.

    Ajax: No, no. It's okay. I encourage distractions. Wouldn't want you giving up on us, now would we?

    Wade Wilson: Hey, don't take any shit from him, Cunningham. How tough can he be with a name like Francis?

    David Cunningham: Francis?

    Wade Wilson: That's his legal name. He got Ajax from the dish soap. F, R, A, N, C, I... Oops!

  • Wade Wilson: It reeks like old lady pants in here.

    Blind Al: Well, I am old and I wear pants.

    Wade Wilson: But you are not at all woman.

  • Wade Wilson: [drops fistful of tickets on counter] A limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.

    Arcade Ticket Taker: [moves tickets aside] Okay, here we go...

    Wade Wilson: [indicates ring to Vanessa] I've had my eye on this sucker for a while.

    Vanessa Carlysle: And I will take the pencil eraser.

    Arcade Ticket Taker: Okay.

    [to Wade]

    Arcade Ticket Taker: You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.

    [to Vanessa]

    Arcade Ticket Taker: And you can erase stuff written in pencil.

    Wade Wilson: [offers Vanessa his arm] M'lady.

  • Buck: [smacks Vanessa's rear] I'd hit that.

    Wade Wilson: Buck, you best apologize before...

    [Vanessa grabs Buck's groin]

    Wade Wilson: Yeah, that.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

    Buck: I'm sorry.

    Wade Wilson: Breathe through the nose.

    Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...

    [Vanessa grabs harder]

    Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.

  • Wade Wilson: Hey, hey, careful with that, Ronnie Milsap! That's for down range.

    Blind Al: I was gonna spend the night assembling the Borje, but this is holding my interest.

    Wade Wilson: I told you, we're going with the Urvaj, not the Borje. Get it through your head or get out of fuck town!

  • Wade Wilson: Shit. We're within 500 yards of a school, so you may wanna...

    [to Weasel, off camera]

    Wade Wilson: His drink's on him.

  • Wade Wilson: Listen, IÂ’ve been thinking.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Really?

    Wade Wilson: About why weÂ’re so good together.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Why is that?

    Wade Wilson: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Mm.

    Wade Wilson: And, uh, weÂ’re like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.

    Vanessa Carlysle: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.

    Wade Wilson: Right.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Wade, thereÂ’s something IÂ’ve been meaning to ask you. Only because you havenÂ’t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a

    [Wade holds up a giant ring]

    Wade Wilson: Marry me?

    Vanessa Carlysle: Uh, jinx?

    Wade Wilson: Huh.

    Vanessa Carlysle: Where were you hiding that?

    Wade Wilson: Nowhere.

    [Wade and is shown to be butt-naked]

  • Wade Wilson: Great. Stuck in an elevator with five guys on a high-protein diet.

    William Stryker: Oh, Wade.

    Wade Wilson: Dreams really do come true.

    William Stryker: Just shut it! You're up next.

    Wade Wilson: Thank you, sir. You look really nice today. It's the green. It brings out the seriousness in your eyes.

    Logan: Oh, my God. Do you ever shut up, pal?

    Wade Wilson: No. Not when I'm awake.

  • [from trailer]

    Wade Wilson: All I ever wanted was to travel off in exotic places and meet new exciting people and then kill them, so I became a mercenary. My name is Wade Wilson. And I love what I do.

  • Wade Wilson: I love this weapon more than any other thing in the whole wide world, and you wanna know why?

    Victor Creed: No.

    Wade Wilson: It's memorable. Sure it's a little bulky, tough to get on a plane. You whip out a couple of swords at your ex-girlfriend's wedding, they will never, ever forget it.

    Victor Creed: That's funny Wade, but I've think you've mistaken me with someone who gives a shit.

    Wade Wilson: Granted, it's probably not as intimidating as having a gun, or bone-claws, or the fingernails of a bag-lady...

    [Victor draws his claws, Wilson draws his blades]

    Wade Wilson: Manicure?

    Logan: [to Victor] Easy.

  • Wade Wilson: Okay. People are dead.

    William Stryker: If you didn't have that mouth of yours, Wade, you'd be the perfect solider.

    [Wade gives a sarcastic salute to Stryker]

  • Wade Wilson: Fred got a new tattoo. I'm concerned.

    Logan: [looks at Fred's tattoo of a woman] Jesus, Fred, you just met her last night.

    Frederick J. Dukes: I love her.

    Logan: You love her? After one night?

    Frederick J. Dukes: She's a gymnast.

  • [Deadpool reaches for his severed head]

    Wade Wilson: [to the viewer] Shhhhh...

  • Wade Wilson: Time to go to work.

Browse more character quotes from Deadpool (2016)