Victoria Quotes in The Man from U.N.C.L.E. (2015)
Victoria: So you're a thief, but you don't wear a mask.
Napoleon Solo: Sometimes, just not when I'm stealing things.
Udo: What about my daughter?
Victoria: She'll be joining you shortly
Jack Harper: [in ruins of stadium] The last Super Bowl was played right here.
Victoria: Please don't tell me it was a classic.
Jack Harper: Classic game. 80,000 people on their feet. Seconds left on the clock. So QB throws a Hail Mary. Touchdown!
Victoria: Mission, this is Tower 49.
Sally: Go ahead, 49.
Jack Harper: No.
Victoria: I'm having a problem with my technician.
Jack Harper: No, you don't know what you're doing.
Victoria: He found a survivor at the crash site.
Jack Harper: You've gotta listen to me.
Victoria: She's impeding his abilities, and he is unfit for service.
Jack Harper: No, no, no.
Sally: I'm sorry to hear that, Vika. Are you still an effective team?
Jack Harper: Vika... Open the goddamn door, Vika!
Victoria: No. We are not an effective team.
Jack Harper: Vica, do you have any memories? Before the mission. Before the memory wipe.
Victoria: Our job is not to remember... remember?
Victoria: Be careful out there.
Jack Harper: I always am.
Victoria: No you're not.
Jack Harper: You're right. I gotta work on that.
Jack Harper: Morning, boss.
Sally: Tower 49, this is mission control. How are you all doing this lovely morning?
Victoria: Another day in paradise, Sally. Uploading data now.
Sally: Vika, are you okay? Everything good between you two?
Victoria: Of course.
Sally: You're still an effective team?
Victoria: We're great. Never better.
Victoria: Only two more weeks, Jack, and we can finally leave and join the others. Please, don't take any chances...
Victoria: I was in love with an agent once.
Sarah Ross: What happened?
Victoria: Well, I was with MI6, and the relationship wasn't... sanctioned. So when it came to light, my loyalty was questioned, and I was ordered to kill him. It was a test.
Sarah Ross: What did you do?
Victoria: I put three bullets in his chest.
Marvin Boggs: I remember the Secret Service being tougher.
Victoria: Me too.
Frank Moses: Sarah, this is Victoria. Best wet work asset in the business and a true artist with an an RPN.
Sarah Ross: Oh, wow. Um, what's that?
Victoria: [smiling] I kill people, dear.
Victoria: Oh, Francis. You're such a romantic.
Frank Moses: What?
Victoria: You're all hard on the outside, but inside you're gooey... gooey.
Victoria: [pleasantly] In all the years I've known Francis, I've never seen him like this. So if you break his heart, I will kill you. And bury your body in the woods.
Sarah Ross: Wow. Okay.
Ivan Simanov: [Riding in the car after everything is over. To Moses] You still owe me favor.
Victoria: [Getting pissed off at Ivan] Oh Ivan!
[turns to the others]
Victoria: His timing is terrible!
Ivan Simanov: Just a tiny little nuclear problem in Moldova.
Victoria: Tell Marvin to stand down before he hurts himself.
[Steps away from the window, revealing Marvin's head and a sniper rifle peering out of a bush outside]
Frank Moses: How'd do you do it?
Victoria: Do what?
Frank Moses: Make the transition? You seem so calm.
Victoria: I love it here. I love the baking, I love the flower arranging. I like the routine.
Victoria: Well, I do get a bit restless sometimes. I take the odd contract on the side. I just can't stop.
Ivan Simanov: Your radiance tonight renders me almost speechless.
Victoria: [deadpan] Almost.
Sarah: Where did you get the bodies?
Victoria: [Deadpan] From my freezer.
Victoria: It's important to enjoy life while you still can!
Ivan: [noticing her shoeless foot] Ah, there is nothing more sexy in the whole world than a beautiful woman with an incredible gun.
Victoria: [taking out soldiers with scoped rifle] You're such a romantic.
Ivan: I love the way your toes curl right before you fire.
Ivan: [sniffs her boot] Oh!
Han Cho Bai: You ready to kill this son of a bitch?
[cocking her gun]
Han Cho Bai: You blew up my plane!
Marvin: I was wrong? So we're not even gonna *die*?
Frank: Not yet.
Han Cho Bai: I was actually starting to like you. I was even thinking about not killing you. This is what happens when you try to save the world.
Victoria: Han, Han. You can't put a price on these things.
Han Cho Bai: You owe me 30 mil for the plane, and 20 for not killing you! You're a dead man, Moses.
Frank: Thanks for your help. Really.
[starts walking away]
Sarah: You think he means it?
Frank: Nah, he's a nice guy.
Han Cho Bai: I mean it, Frank!
Victoria: [to Marvin] They're gonna be right as rain.
Marvin: [whispering] He made the run to emotional safety.
MI6 Interogator: They say you're a legend around here. I've, um, I've never heard of you. Must have been a bit before my time.
Victoria: [escapes her handcuffs and takes him down] Well, you've heard of me now.
Victoria: [on the phone] Please tell me you're not crashing with a weapon of mass destruction...
Han Cho Bai: You blew up my plane.
Han Cho Bai: I was actually starting to like you. I was even thinking about not killing you. This is what happens when you try to save the world.
Victoria: Han. Han, you can't put a price on these things.
Frank: You owe me 30 mil for the plane and 20 for not killing you. You're a dead man, Moses.
Frank: Thanks for your help, really.
Sarah: You think he means it?
Frank: Nah, he's a nice guy.
Han Cho Bai: I mean it, Frank!
Frank: All right.
Victoria: [answers phone] Where are you?
Harry Turner: In the office.
Victoria: It doesn't sound like the office.
Harry Turner: Okay. Maybe I'm visiting an old friend.
Victoria: Are you gonna be able to handle this one without me?
Harry Turner: Wait, you aren't coming?
Victoria: Shit's about to get complicated.
Harry Turner: I like complicated. Easy's boring.
[watches Drake get into a car and blows it up]
Victoria: [to biker] Put the gun down!
Harry Turner: [laying on pool table] Well, shit!
Victoria: I missed you, too.
Victoria: [announcing to the audience] My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.
Danny: [looking at Sam] That's you!
Sam: [to Danny] No, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.
Victoria: [announcing to the audience] Someone who's life was quite literally saved by music.
Sam: [leaning over to Danny] That's you, my boy.
Victoria: My selection tonight is dedicated to someone wonderful.
Danny: [whispering to Sam] That's you.
Sam: Oh no, no, no, it's not me she's talking about.
Victoria: Someone whose life was, quite literally, saved by music.
Sam: That's you, my boy.
Victoria: Should I go get him?
Sam: No, let's let him get himself.
Victoria: Maybe he doesn't know how.
Sam: Well, then let's just give him the opportunity to learn.
Sam: There's nothing like self-discovery for turning a boy into a man.
Victoria: Why'd he leave?
Sam: Maybe he had some things to do.
Victoria: But I thought he was happy here.
Sam: Well, sweetie, sometimes being happy just isn't enough.
Sam: Sometimes people have to go back and fix the things that made them unhappy before they were happy
Victoria: But I could help him.
Sam: Sometimes people have to do things themselves.
Tristan: [Tristan goes to see Victoria on her birthday, picks up a small stone for the window to call her as he used to, then smiles, drops the stone and knocks on the front door, Victoria answers] Happy birthday.
Victoria: [Looking pleasantly astonished at Tristan's transformation] What happened to you?
Tristan: I've found the star.
Victoria: I can't believe you did it. Where's my star? Can I see it? Is it beautiful?
[Tristan reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lock of Yvaine's hair, wrapped in a small piece of white cloth. He gives it to Victoria]
Victoria: Well, it's awfully small.
Tristan: Well, that's just a little piece - a token for your birthday.
Victoria: Well... Well, then forget about the star. It's not the star that I want.
Victoria: [she puts her arms around him]
Victoria: You know what I want.
[they are about to kiss but he pulls away from her]
Tristan: Yeah, I do. You want to grow up and get over yourself.
Victoria: [indignantly] Well! Oh!
[Humphrey appears around the corner and at the sight of Tristan drops a medium sized box wrapped in red wrapping paper that was suspended from his left hand]
Humphrey: Thorn. You must have a death wish.
[Humphrey then unsheathes a small, thin sword. Tristan unsheathes a much larger and and brandishes it menacingly]
Humphrey: [backing down] Ah...
Tristan: [looking amused] Humphrey. Humphrey, it's all right. She's all yours. You really are a perfect couple. The best of luck to you both.
[Victoria looks inside the cloth containing the token that Tristan has given her]
Victoria: [ungratefully] Why would I want this? It's just a measly handful of stardust.
[Tristan and Victoria are sipping champagne under the stars]
Victoria: Do you know, Humphrey's going all the way to Ipswich to buy me a ring.
Tristan: Ipswich? Victoria I'm talking about London or Paris or... A ring? Why is he... What kind of a ring?
Victoria: The word is he's planning to propose to me on my birthday.
Tristan: [crestfallen] He's going to... And you're gonna say yes?
Victoria: [laughs] Well I can't exactly say no after he's gone all the way to Ipswich.
Tristan: "All the way to Ipswich"? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross oceans or continents.
Tristan: Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I would go to the gold fields of San Francisco and bring you back your weight in gold. I'd go to Africa and bring you back a diamond as big as your fist. Or I'd go to the Arctic and I'd slaughter a polar bear and bring you back its head.
[Victoria has been moving closer, about to kiss him, but suddenly she recoils]
Victoria: [disgusted] A polar bear's head? Ugh! You're funny, Tristan.
[they look up into the sky]
Victoria: Oh, Tristan! A shooting star. Beautiful.
Tristan: More beautiful than a fancy ring from Ipswich? Victoria, for your hand in marriage, I'd cross the wall and bring you back that fallen star.
Victoria: You can't cross the wall. Nobody crosses the wall. Now you're just being silly.
Tristan: I'm not being silly. I'd do it. For you, I'd do anything.
Victoria: [thinking] Hmmm. My very own star. It seems we have ourselves an agreement. You have exactly one week or I'm marrying Humphrey.
Victoria: Bishop Pucci
Pucci: How can I help you my dear?
Victoria: I was a virgin. My virginity was my most cherished possession. My gift from God. My gift was taken from me.
Pucci: Tragic and most damnable. What was the name of this vile seducer?
Victoria: Giacomo Casanova. When Casanova came to my room and... robbed me... I fought for my honour
Pucci: Are you saying that you would be willing to give me the testimony that I need to hang him?
Victoria: Yes. But I would be worried about my reputation.
Pucci: Of course. But I think we could say if everything went according to plan we could return your reputation *and* your virginity to you.
Victoria: You could do that?
Pucci: Oh, yes. We are the Catholic Church. We can do anything.
Victoria: [rejecting ill-fitting diving suit] I'd rather be cold and alive than warm and dead.
Jamal: Do you have a thong?
Victoria: Excuse me?
Jamal: Never mind. We'll just take an old pair of drawers and cut the ass out.
[Trying to get Victoria's 's phone number]
Jamal: ANYBODY GOT A PEN?
Victoria: You can read and write!
Jamal: Yeah!... Who you been datin'?
Victoria: I don't care if you're a hero or not, just concentrate on the getting back.
Angelica: Victoria, where's William? Do you think he's safe?
Victoria: I'm sure he is. Don't worry, everything will turn out fine. You'll see.
Margaret Campbell: You're an honor student. If you transfer to Mrs. Gruwell's class, think how that'll reflect on your records.
Victoria: It doesn't matter to me, my grades will still be the same. Look, Ms. Campbell, when I first transferred to this school, I had a 4.0 average. But when I applied for advanced placement in English and Math, I was told it'd be better for me to be in a class of my own kind. Now, when I did get in, my teacher said "Victoria! It's not everyday one finds an African American student in AP and Honors courses!"... As if I didn't notice. And when I asked another Honors teacher why we don't read more black literature, she said, "We don't read black literature because of all the sex, drugs, cussing, and fornication". I thought a simple... "It's inappropriate"... would have sufficed.
Victoria: Well, you're right. I'm terrible. I know I'm terrible. I look at the mirror and I'm ashamed. Maybe I should quit. I just can't seem to do anything right.
Joe Gideon: Listen. I can't make you a great dancer. I don't even know if I can make you a good dancer. But, if you keep trying and don't quit, I know I can make you a better dancer. I'd like very much to do that. Stay?
Victoria: Are you going to keep yelling at me?
Joe Gideon: Probably.
Victoria: The bourguignon was just a little tough.
Waiter: Maybe the way you are eating your jaws are getting tired.
Toddy: Speaking of overworked jaws, why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical and fetch me a wine list?
Victoria: [holding up a glass] This is all they have.
Toddy: This? The last time I saw a specimen like this, they had to shoot the horse!
Waiter: [irritated] How lucky can you get? In one evening a Rockefeller... and a Groucho Marx.
Toddy: Oh, they didn't shoot a real horse... just a costume with two waiters in it.
Waiter: I shall think of a sharp retort while I am getting your roast chicken.
Toddy: It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.
Waiter: And it is a moron who gives advice to a horse's arse.
[Trying to explain why she can't pass for a man]
Victoria: Men have Adam's apples.
Toddy: So do some women.
Victoria: Name one.
Toddy: Nana Lanu.
Victoria: Nana Lanu, who's she?
Toddy: The last woman I slept with.
Victoria: When was that?
Toddy: The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.
Victoria: How long have you been a homosexual?
Toddy: How long have you been a soprano?
Victoria: Since I was 12.
Toddy: I was a late bloomer.
[Victoria is crying & Toddy is holding her]
Toddy: God, there'd been times I'd given my soul to cry like that.
Victoria: [sobs] I hate it!
Toddy: You wouldn't if you couldn't do it anymore.
Toddy: You know, it's very strange. At the club, I thought you were just about at the end of your rope.
Victoria: Oh, I was. I am! This is the first decent meal I've had in almost four days.
Toddy: And you can't pay for it?
Victoria: [makes breaking motion with hands] Caseé!
Toddy: [chuckling] And you want me to have dinner with you?
Victoria: I want you to have the best damn dinner you ever had. Have two! I started off with the roast chicken and I segued to boeuf bourguignon. It's anybody's guess what I could end up with.
Toddy: Oh, I'd guess about thirty days.
Victoria: If all goes well, I expect to leave here poor, but sated. I have a... a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment, it goes in my salad.
Toddy: It'll never work.
Victoria: A bug in my salad?
Toddy: In a place like this, it would be an event if there WASN'T a bug in your salad.
Victoria: What about a... cockroach?
Toddy: [shocked] A cockroach!
Victoria: Shhh! Bigger than your thumb!
Toddy: Ew, God!
Victoria: Your problem, Mr. Marchand, is that you're preoccupied with stereotypes. I think it's as simple as you're one kind of man, I'm another.
King Marchand: And what kind are you?
Victoria: One that doesn't have to prove it. To myself, or anyone.
King Marchand: I don't care if you are a man.
Victoria: I'm... not a man.
King Marchand: I still don't care.
Victoria: You know, pretending to be a man does have its disadvantages.
[Victoria goes into the bathroom, leaving Toddy alone in bed]
Toddy: [wistfully] My dear Count, you just said a cotton pickin' mouthful.
Victoria: I know this is going to sound crazy, but I don't know if I'm even gonna be able to *sleep*, I'm so tired.
Toddy: I'll get you a cognac.
Victoria: That'll help me sleep?
Toddy: No, but it makes staying awake a hell of a lot more fun.
[Victoria's audition has been rejected]
Victoria: In spite of what you think, Monsieur Labisse, there are professions where practice *does* make perfect.
[she hits a high note, causing Labisse's wine glass to shatter, and leaves angrily]
Labisse: What in hell was that?
Toddy: B flat.
[the manager is pressing a starving Victoria for her rent]
Manager of Victoria's hotel: You promised to pay me on Tuesday, then on Wednesday, then on Thursday...
Victoria: [pointing at his bib] What's that?
Manager of Victoria's hotel: What?
[Victoria runs a finger over a food stain and tastes it]
Manager of Victoria's hotel: Uh, yes, with meatballs.
Victoria: I'll sleep with you for a meatball.
Manager of Victoria's hotel: [taken aback] You would?
Victoria: Oh, missed your chance.
Victoria: Oh, what happened?
Manager of Victoria's hotel: You made a certain offer to me which I could not refuse, and then you pretended to faint.
Victoria: Don't be ridiculous, I never *pretend* to faint...
[the manager begins half carrying Victoria to her bed]
Victoria: What are you doing?
Manager of Victoria's hotel: I am, uh, helping you to stand up!
Victoria: That's funny, I thought I *was* standing up!
Manager of Victoria's hotel: Maybe you'd like to lie down!
Victoria: You're confusing me!
Victoria: I was the leading soprano for the Bath Touring Light Opera Company...
Toddy: You're very athletic for a soprano.
Victoria: That's because I had three brothers.
Toddy: Oh, I know what you mean. I grew up with two older sisters.
King Marchand: I just find it hard to believe that you're a man.
Victoria: Because you found me attractive as a woman?
King Marchand: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Victoria: That happens frequently.
King Marchand: Not to me.
Victoria: Just proves the old adage: "There's a first time for everything."
King Marchand: I don't think so.
Victoria: But you're not a hundred per cent sure?
King Marchand: Practically.
Victoria: Ah, but to a man like you, someone who believes he could never, under any circumstances find another man attractive, the margin between "practically" and "for sure" must be as wide as the Grand Canyon.
Victoria: Well it's probably for the best.
King Marchand: That's as bad as "love is a two-way street."
Victoria: What it lacks in originality it makes up for in prophecy.
Victoria: Could I see the wine list?
Waiter: We have a white 1934, we have a red 1934. Last week we had some Rosee, but we're using it in the salad.
King Marchand: If you were a man, I'd knock your block off.
Victoria: And prove that *you're* a man?
King Marchand: That's a woman's argument.
Victoria: Let me ask you a question.
Toddy: You want to know if I'm a homosexual.
Victoria: No. I want to know if you're a hypochondriac.
Toddy: You were going to trade your virtue for a meatball!
Victoria: Well, I was out of my mind with hunger at the time, and at least it was something for something.
Victoria: All I want is a nice hot bath.
Toddy: Oh, I had one once. You'll love it.
Vanessa: You are going to rot in hell.
Victoria: I vacation there.
Victoria: [to Vanessa] There are many things in my life that I regret, including having you for a daughter, because that man was your father. But I will *not* apologize for the decisions I made.
Lisa: He hits me.
Victoria: Well, you must stop doing what you're doing to make him angry.
Victoria: Women sometimes have to deal with things to be comfortable.
Victoria: My mother was a real whore and a junkie, and she traded me for $10 and a fix.
Victoria: [Pulls down her pantyhose] See anything?
John E. Roland: [Trying to look away] Yeah, I see lots of things.
Victoria: [Close up of her undoing her belt, followed by a scene of her pulling down her skirt. She stands by the wall and opens her top to reveal her bra] Johnny?
John E. Roland: Yeah.
Victoria: [Stands by the wall in her bra and panties. She unhooks her bra and takes it off, revealing her breasts] Can't you find something?
[He walks over and she pulls him toward her, removing his jacket and his shirt]
Victoria: God, you're cute.
Victoria: What time did you say the party starts?
[He lays her down on the table and they have sex on the table and on a chair]
Victoria: Since when has she known how to surf?
Ashley Parker: Since this scene apparently...
Victoria: You're an alcoholic.
Adam: Alcoholics have class. I'm a fucking drunk.
Adam: They say women are the sensitive ones, but I've never seen it. They're as cold as party ice.
Victoria: I don't think that sucking on countless nipples makes one an authority on sensitivity.
Victoria: [referring to the bloodstains on Bateman's sheets] What are those?
Patrick Bateman: Oh, uh, it's - cranberry juice. Uh, cran-apple.
Victoria: I've been... I've been... I don't know the name, how you say that... I've been... in the conservatory, you know... I was in the conservatory. and I cannot continue in the conservatory because I'm not good enough, or something like that
Sonne: Because they're stupid, or what?
Victoria: No, it's OK. I prefer that.
Sonne: No, really... Because it's amazing. It's like. You know, I...
Victoria: No, it's not amazing... I don't know. I've been sixteen and a half years practicing playing the piano. every day, like seven hours every day. Seven is the maximum. You cannot play more, because you're gonna hurt your arms. And it's a really hard life, because you have no... you have no life. You have no friends. Well, the friends are like the other guys that are in the conservatory... but they are not your friends really. They're like your enemies. Because they are fighting for your dream too.
Sonne: But was it your dream... to play?
Victoria: Not any more.No. Because it's... You are... You... You can became a bad... I don't know. I was just thinking, for my friends, they should fail in their exams... because then I would have, like, more opportunities for me! our teacher said to us that. just the 90% of us,we are lasing our lime. It's really difficult to became a real piano player. And it's better like this. You know, when I was 12 I can remember, I was like an old lady... just playing always the fucking piano.
Victoria: I hate lifts. It gets very claustrophobic in here with a lot of people.
Jeff: Depends on the people.
[in the lift on the way to Harold and Victoria's penthouse]
Jeff: I wanna lick every inch of you...
[the lift stops, the bell pings]
Victoria: Saved by the bell. Goodnight.
Victoria: [to Harold] Don't treat me like one of your thugs!
Waylon Forge: Well hello.
James: Nice jacket.
Waylon Forge: Who are you?
James: Always the same inane questions... 'Who are you?'
Victoria: 'What do you want?'
James: 'Why are you doing this?'
Laurent: James... let's not play with our food.
Laurent: I believe this belongs to you.
[Laurent tosses the ball back to Carlistle, who catches it easily]
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Thank you.
Laurent: I am Laurent, and this is Victoria, and James.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm Carlisle, this is my family
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: I'm afraid your hunting activities have caused something of a mess for us.
Laurent: Our apologies. We didn't realize this territory had been claimed.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Yes, well. We maintain a permanent residence nearby.
Laurent: [slightly amused] Really? Well, we won't be a problem any more. We were just passing through.
Victoria: [smiles smugly] The humans were tracking us, but we led them east. You should be safe.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: Excellent.
Laurent: So, could you use three more players?
[Carlisle looks around warily]
Laurent: [gives a friendly smile] Oh, come on. Just one game.
Dr. Carlisle Cullen: [glances in Edward's direction] Sure, why not? A few of us were leaving, you can take their place. We'll bat first.
[Carlisle tosses the ball back to Laurent]
Victoria: [catches ball in front of Laurent's face] I'm the one with the wicked curve ball.
Jasper Hale: Oh, I think we can handle that.
Victoria: You know all those people, Teardrop. You could ask.
Teardrop: Shut up.
Victoria: None of them's gonna be in a great big hurry to tangle with you.
Teardrop: I said shut up once already, with my mouth.
Victoria: Pleasure or pain?
Simon Wells: How old are you, Victoria?
Victoria: I'm 11. We're all 11. We all have our birthdays the same week.
Simon Wells: How long have you been here?
Victoria: We've been here always.
Simon Wells: What about your parents? Don't they come to see you?
Victoria: Oh, we were hoping you were our parents.
[Diijon has hypnotized Victoria and told her to shoot Tony, her piano player]
Victoria: You'd better play "Hearts and Roses" because I'm going to kill you.
Victoria: My sister sent me a postcard. All it said was, "Come to Paris. It will be good for you." Forty-eight hours after I arrived, she and everyone I'd met were dead. Airport, please.
Victoria: My sister sent me a postcard. All it said was, "Come to Paris. It will be good for you." Forty-eight hours after I arrived, she and everyone I'd met were dead.
Victoria: Is there anything these things won't eat?
Denby: Yea, anything faster than they are, I guess. And raisins. They don't eat raisins.
Narration: All wrapped up in Hoppity, her rabbit, was little Victoria.
Harriet: Victoria, what are you doing to Hoppity?
Victoria: Hoppity is my baby. He's just being born.
Harriet: But, you had it born last week?
Victoria: Babies can be born again and again, can't they.
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