Victor Melling Quotes in Miss Congeniality (2000)

Kathy Morningside: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

Gracie Hart: Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

[audience applauds]

Victor Melling: My God, I did it!

Gracie Hart: And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

Victor Melling: A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!

Victor Melling: I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park"!

Victor Melling: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

Gracie Hart: What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

Victor Melling: What, no armored car?

Gracie Hart: That would be in my other dress.

Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie Hart: Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

Gracie Hart: Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

Victor Melling: You are not having sex on this stage.

Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option.

Victor Melling: [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

Gracie Hart: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

Victor Melling: Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.

Victor Melling: By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?

Gracie Hart: I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.

Gracie Hart: Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

Victor Melling: Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?

[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]

Victor Melling: Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!

[arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]

Eric Matthews: Listen to me, you old fruitcake!

Victor Melling: How dare you, you cupcake!

Victor Melling: [during a makeover session] Eyebrows. There should be two.

Gracie Hart: I would so love to hurt you right now.

Victor Melling: As long as you smile.

Stan Fields: What is the one most important thing our society needs?

Gracie Hart: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

[crowd is silent]

Gracie Hart: And world peace!

[crowd cheers ecstatically]

Stan Fields: Thank you, Gracie Lou.

Gracie Hart: And thank *you*, Stan.

[Gracie walks offstage]

Victor Melling: That was charming. Are you drunk?

Gracie Hart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

Victor Melling: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.

[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]

Gracie Hart: Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.

[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]

Gracie Hart: What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?

Victor Melling: It's for the little baggies under your eyes.

Gracie Hart: Really.

[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]

Gracie Hart: Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.

[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]

Gracie Hart: What are you doing?

Victor Melling: It stops the suit from riding up.

Gracie Hart: Riding up where?

Victor Melling: Just... up!

Gracie Hart: That is enough!

Victor Melling: Why do you make things difficult for me?

Gracie Hart: Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!

Victor Melling: This woman has no talent!

Eric Matthews: Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!

Victor Melling: Your hair should make a statement.

Gracie Hart: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!

Gracie Hart: My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?

Victor Melling: Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.

Victor Melling: Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?

Gracie Hart: Because I'm preparing to run away!

Kathy Morningside: Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?

[Kathy walks off with Gracie]

Victor Melling: One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!

Victor Melling: He's with me.

Eric Matthews: I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...

Victor Melling: Come on, muffin!

[answering her question]

Cheryl "Rhode Island": In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.

Victor Melling: [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!

Victor Melling: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

Gracie Hart: Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

Victor Melling: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

Gracie Hart: You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

Victor Melling: Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.

Gracie Hart: Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?

Victor Melling: Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!

Victor Melling: I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.

Gracie Hart: There's something I can do for the talent, that I know how to do it since high school.

Victor Melling: You will not be having sex on this stage!

Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option, all right? All I have to do is call room service.

Victor Melling: There are no words.