Vern Quotes in Blood Games (1990)

Vern: Don't let them knockers hypnotize you, boy!

Gordie: Alright, alright, Mickey's a mouse, Donald's a duck, Pluto's a dog. What's Goofy?

Vern: If I could only have one food for the rest of my life? That's easy-Pez. Cherry-flavored Pez. No question about it.

Teddy: Goofy's a dog. He's definitely a dog.

Gordie: I knew the $64,000 question was fixed. There's no way anybody could know that much about opera!

Chris: He can't be a dog. He drives a car and wears a hat.

Gordie: Wagon Train's a really cool show, but did you notice they never get anywhere? They just keep wagon training.

Vern: Oh, God. That's weird. What the hell is Goofy?

Vern: Do you think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?

Teddy: What are you, cracked?

Vern: Why not? I saw the other day. He was carrying five elephants in one hand!

Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothing! Mighty Mouse is a cartoon. Superman's a real guy. There's no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.

Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right. It'd be a good fight, though.

Vern: What am I supposed to do, think of everything? I brought the comb!

Teddy: Oh, great! You brought the comb! What did you bring a comb for? You don't even have any hair!

[as Lardass walks across the stage to his seat the Benevolent Order of Antelopes mock him in rhythm with his steps]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba...

[They fall silent as Lardass glares at them, but then they resume their mockery as soon as he starts moving again]

Crowd: Boom-baba-boom-baba-boom.

Mayor Grundy: And now, the one you've all been waiting for, the four-time champion, our own, Bill Travis!

[Cheers and applause; Mayor aside to Travis]

Mayor Grundy: Listen, I got ten ridin' on you myself, Billy-boy.

[Now he speaks to the crowd]

Mayor Grundy: Alright, are you ready? Hands behind your backs, gentlemen! Drum roll!

Donelley Twin, Donelley Twin: Hey, Lardass! Chow down, Wide Load!

Mayor Grundy: Heh-heh-heh... GO!

[the contestants bury their faces and begin eating. Within a few seconds, Lardass has finished his first pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass finishes his second pie]

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Bill Travis finishes his first pie]

Bill Travis: Done!

Lardass Hogan: [Lardass finishes his third pie] Done!

Mayor Grundy: [to Lardass] You better pace yourself if you wanna hold out, boy.

[Lardass continues and the crowd starts to cheer him on]

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Gordie: What the audience didn't know was that Lardass wasn't really interested in winning. What he wanted was revenge, and right before he was introduced he'd gotten ready for it.

[Cut to flashback scene showing Lardass drinking a quart bottle of Castor Oil and eating a raw egg just before the start of the contest; cut back to the contest in progress]

Gordie: Diving into his fifth pie, Lardass began to imagine that he wasn't eating pies. He pretended he was eating cow-plops, and rat guts in blueberry sauce.

Crowd: Lardass! Lardass!

Lardass Hogan: Done!

[Lardass prepares to dive into his sixth pie, but then his stomach starts rumbling]

Gordie: Slowly, a sound started to build in Lardass' stomach. A strange and scary sound, like a log truck coming at you at a hundred miles-an-hour. Suddenly, Lardass opened his mouth, and before Bill Travis knew it...

[Lardass barfs all over Bill]

Gordie: ... he was covered with five pies worth of used blueberries. The women in the audience screamed. Bossman Bob Cormier took one look at Bill Travis and barfed on Principal Wiggins, who barfed on the lumberjack that was sitting next to him. Mayor Grundy barfed on his wife's tits. But when the smell hit the crowd, that's when Lardass' plan really started to work. Girlfriends barfed on boyfriends. Kids barfed on their parents. A fat lady barfed in her purse. The Donnelley twins barfed on each other, and the Women's Auxiliary barfed all over the Benevolent Order of Antelopes. And Lardass just sat back and enjoyed what he'd created-a complete and total barf-o-rama!

Vern, Teddy, Chris: [Cheering and laughing] Yeah!

Vern: Ha-ha! You flinched! Two for flinching! Two for flinching!

[Teddy punches him twice in the arm]

Vern: ...B-but... you flinched!

Teddy: I know. Two for flinching.

Gordie: ...the main guy of the story is a fat kid that nobody likes named Davie Hogan.

Vern: Like Charlie Hogan's brother. If he had one.

Chris: Good Vern. Go on, Gordie.

Gordie: Well this kid is our age but he's fat. Real fat. He weighs close to one-eighty. But you know, it's not his fault. It's his glands.

Vern: Oh yeah, my cousin's like that, sincerely. She weighs over three hundred pounds! Supposed to be Hyboid Gland or something. Well, I don't know about any Hyboid Glands, but what a blimp! No shit. She looks like a Thanksgiving turkey. And you know this one time...

Chris: Shut up, Vern.

Vern: Yeah, yeah, right. Go on, Gordie, it's a swell story.

Vern: [after dropping his hamburger in the campfire by accident] This isn't funny! What am I supposed to eat?

Teddy: You could cook your dick.

Chris: It'd be a small meal.

Vern: Come on you guys. Let's get moving.

Teddy: Yeah, by the time we get there, the kid won't even be dead anymore.

Vern: I wasn't that scared. I wasn't. Sincerely.

Gordie: Okay. Then you won't mind if we check the seat of your jockies for Hershey squirts, will you?

Vern: Go screw.

Teddy: You lose Gordie! Ha ha ha ha ha! Gordie loses! Oh, Gordie just screwed the pooch!

Gordie: Does the word "retarded" mean anything to you?

Teddy: Gordie, go get the food, you morphodite.

Gordie: Don't call me any of your mother's pet names.

Teddy: What a wet end you are, Lachance.

Gordie: Shut up.

Teddy, Vern, Chris: I don't shut up. I grow up. And when I look at you, I throw up. Aghhh!

Gordie: And then, your mother goes around the corner and she licks it up.

Vern: There's one thing I didn't understand. Did Lardass have to pay to get in the contest?

[Chris and Teddy sighs]

Gordie: No, Vern. They just let him in.

[after they had dinner]

Vern: Nothing like a smoke after a meal.

Teddy: Yeah... I cherish these moments.

[group chuckles]

Teddy: What? What did I say?

Vern: Geez, Gordie. Why couldn't you have gotten breakfast stuff? Like Twinkies and Pez and Root Beer?

Gordie: Sorry, Vern. I guess a more experienced shopper could have gotten more for your seven cents.

Vern: You guys wanna go see a dead body?

[after the boys have fallen into a lake]

Vern: I told you we should of stuck to the tracks.

Teddy: Is it me, or are you the world's biggest pussy?

Vern: I suppose this is fun for you?

Teddy: No... but this is.

[Teddy dunks Vern into the lake]

Vern: Any of you guys know when the next train is due?

Chris: We could go down to the route 1-36 bridge.

Teddy: What are you, crazy? That's 5 miles down the river, you go 5 miles down the river you gotta walk 5 miles back! That could take 'til dark. We go across here we can get to the same place in 10 minutes.

Vern: Yeah, but if a train comes there's nowhere else to go.

Teddy: No there isn't, we just jump.

Chris: Teddy, it's 100 feet.

Vern: Yeah, Teddy.

Teddy: Look, you guys can go around if you want to, I'm crossing here, and when you guys are dragging your candy asses half way across the state and back, I'll be waiting for you on the other side relaxing with my thoughts.

Gordie: You use your left hand or your right hand for that?

Teddy: You wish.

Teddy: Did your mother have any kids that lived?

Vern: What do you mean?

Vern: You think Mighty Mouse could beat up Superman?

Teddy: What are you cracked?

Vern: Why not? I saw the other day, he was carrying 5 elephants in one hand.

Teddy: Boy, you don't know nothin', Mighty Mouse is a cartoon, Superman is a real guy, no way a cartoon could beat up a real guy.

Vern: Yeah, maybe you're right... would be a good fight though!

Teddy: Tssh.

[while the townspeople are firing at the "Farmzoid," piloted by the mind-controlled Verne]

Deputy Pillsbury: Verne, you come down from there right now, you hear?

Vern: Yes, shoot, my little friends, shoot! Fire everything you've got! The Farmzoid is impervious! AH-HA-HA-HA!

Deputy Pillsbury: All right, that's it! Mom's gonna hear about this!

Vern: Hey, old pirate.

Gus: Old pirate?

Vern: How about it, friend? $10 a go!

Gus: A-a... No, thanks, really.

Vern: Come on! It could be your lucky day.

Billy: New contest, over here!

Gus: Look, I really do not want to do this.

Vern: Come here. I'll tell you what. I'll let you win a couple of times if you start losing too much, okay?

Gus: Look, I said, "No". N-O, no, all right?

Vern: You sure now?

Gus: [views that Jerry comes into bar] Wait, wait a minute. did you say $10 a shot?

Vern: That's right.

Gus: Okay, let's do it!

Vern: You're on. Billy, you say, "when".

Billy: When.

Vern: [wins Gus and laughs]

Gus: Again.

Vern: Again. Again... Again.

[laughs]

Billy: Down $20. Way to go, Vern.

Vern: Again!

Gus: I thought you said you were going to let me win a little.

Vern: I lied.

[wins Gus]

Vern: Thirty!

[wins Gus twice]

Vern: Fifty!

Gus: $50, hold on!

Vern: Okay!

Gus: No, no! I mean, stop, no more game, forget it!

Bobbie: So why did you all start dancing?

Vern: I'm getting married in September. My bride said she'd like to see me lose a few pounds, thought the dancing might be good exercise. I told her it wouldn't work.

[waitress gives him a hamburger and fries]

John Clark: I think you're gonna win that bet.

Chic: I'm here for the ladies, you know what they say about guys that can dance...

Bobbie: Yeah, that they're great in bed.

Chic: Right.

Bobbie: Where do you hear this crap?

Chic: Everywhere, everywhere the guys that can dance get the pick of the litter.

Bobbie: I'm here for the big dance competition. All I need is a partner.

[to John]

Bobbie: so that leaves you.

John Clark: What?

Bobbie: You're the only one that hasn't said why you're dancing.

John Clark: I'm dancing for exercise like Vern.

Bobbie: Bull.

John Clark: Because I'm lousy in bed like Chic. There I said it.

Vern: What happened to you?

Tim Travis: What happened to *you*?

Vern: Well, I've been trying to relocate, to a higher plane of life, unsuccessfully.

Tim Travis: You have to cut up and down, not across.

Vern: Yeah, if you don't mind bleeding slowly for 5 hours.

Tim Travis: Why?

Vern: Because there is nothing here that I even remotely care about. I've got nothing to fight for, and if I don't want to live here why should I have to, and I don't care how much better off I am than everyone else, that's not the point.

Tim Travis: I think you're my new hero.

Vern: You know, one of two things happens when you meet your heroes, either they're assholes, or they're just like you are. Either way you always lose.

Tim Travis: Hey, guns always hit their mark.

Vern: Yeah, only if you really wanna die.

Vern: No, no, no, PPP is proper police procedure. PPD is an unknown DOA.

Stu: I thought that wsa a PPK. No, a PPK is what you do behind a tree after you see a stiff.

Stu: See anything?

Vern: Nothing but rocks.

[Vern takes binoculars from Stu]

Stu: Anything?

Vern: More rocks close up.

Raymond: [to Susanna] Are you taking any prescription medication?

Vern: He likes you, that's just his way of showing it.

Susanna: When I touched him, he pulled away.

Vern: Don't take it personal. He never touched me and I'm closer to him than anyone in the world, known him for nine years. It's not in him. If I left tomorrow without saying goodbye, he probably wouldn't notice.

Susanna: He wouldn't notice if you left?

Vern: I'm not sure but I don't think people are his first priority.

Sara Novak: [walks to the camera in the corner of the room... suddenly Vern appears behind her... ] Curran...

Vern: This is the part of the design, Sara...

Vern: Look around. Life? Just an accident, man. Random collision of particles in space. Any meaning it has is only the one we've given it ourselves. Just like a riddle. What do the poor have that the rich want and God fears? Like death, or love, or God... And the answer all depends on how you look at things.

Dennis Reveni: [pondering]

Vern: What do the poor have that the rich want and God fears? Simple.

Dennis Reveni: [flips card around] "Nothing". That is so for real. It's just like everything is just one big a puzzle in your mind.

Vern: Hmm. Every mind is different...

Vern: Sara, it's just a game, it's not real.

Sara Novak: What is a game, Vern? Something where you have to give the pieces back once the time's done. Well guess what, that means it's all a game. Life, everything, one big game.

[last lines]

Vern: It's all part of the design, Sara.