Vanessa Carlysle Quotes in Deadpool (2016)

Deadpool: I should've come and found you sooner, but the guy under this mask, he ain't the same one that you remember.

Vanessa Carlysle: You mean this mask?

[takes off mask to reveal cheap paper mask of Wolverine]

Deadpool: And this one, in case the other fell off.

[she peels off the mask]

Vanessa Carlysle: Wow.

Wade Wilson: Yeah.

Vanessa Carlysle: After a brief adjustment period and a bunch of drinks, it's a face... I'd be happy to sit on.

Vanessa Carlysle: So, am I suppose to just smile and wave you out the door?

Wade Wilson: Think of it like spring cleaning. Only if spring was death. God, if I had a nickel for every time I spanked it to Bernadette Peters.

Vanessa Carlysle: Sounds like you do. Bernadette is not going anywhere, because you're not going anywhere. Drink.

Wade Wilson: You're right. Cancer is only in my liver, lungs, prostate, and brain. All the things I can live without.

Vanessa Carlysle: Well I hate to break it to you, but your forty-eight minutes are up.

Wade Wilson: Hey! How many more minutes can I get for this?

[looking at his Voltron ring]

Wade Wilson: FYI, five mini lion bots come together to form one super-bot!

Vanessa Carlysle: Five mini lion bots?

[deadpans]

Vanessa Carlysle: Three minutes.

Wade Wilson: Deal! What do we do with the remaining two minutes thirty-seven seconds?

Vanessa Carlysle: [pause] Cuddle?

[the one scene where they don't have sex]

Wade Wilson: Happy Lent.

Vanessa Carlysle: Happy Lent dear.

Wade Wilson: Listen, we both know that cancer is a shit-show. Like a Yakov Smirnoff opening for the Spin Doctors at the Iowa State Fair shit-show. And under no circumstances will I take you to that show. I want you to remember me, not the ghost of Christmas me.

Vanessa Carlysle: Well, I wanna remember us.

Wade Wilson: I swear to God, I will find you in the next life and I'm gonna boom-box "Careless Whisper" outside your window. Wham!

Vanessa Carlysle: No one is boom-boxing shit. Okay? We can fight this. Besides, I just realized something. You win. Your life is officially way more fucked up than mine.

Vanessa Carlysle: I've played a lot of roles, damsel in distress ain't one of them.

[punches Ajax]

Vanessa Carlysle: Hey, hands off the merchandise.

Wade Wilson: Merchandise? Huh... so you uh, bump fuzzies for money?

Vanessa Carlysle: Yep.

Wade Wilson: Rough childhood?

Vanessa Carlysle: Rougher than yours. Daddy left before I was born.

Wade Wilson: Daddy left before I was conceived.

Vanessa Carlysle: Ever had a cigarette put out on your skin?

Wade Wilson: Where else do you put one out?

Vanessa Carlysle: I was molested!

Wade Wilson: Me too. Uncle.

Vanessa Carlysle: Uncles. They took turns.

Wade Wilson: I watched my own birthday party through the keyhole of a locked closet, which also happened to be my...

Vanessa Carlysle: Your bedroom. Lucky. I slept in a dishwasher box.

Wade Wilson: [Gasps] You had a dishwasher. I didn't even known sleep. It was pretty much 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn.

Vanessa Carlysle: [laughs] Who would do such a thing?

Wade Wilson: Hopefully you. Later tonight? Hey, what can I get for $275 and uh... a Yogurtlands reward card?

Vanessa Carlysle: Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the fuck you want. And a low-fat dessert.

[Puts card in his mouth]

Deadpool: Hang in there, baby! I gotcha! I got a plan. You're not gonna like it.

[Deadpool throws Vanessa into the oxygen chamber as it rolls down the carrier and stops on the edge of it, Wade holds onto the oxygen chamber]

Vanessa Carlysle: Shit! ShitI Shit!

Deadpool: Don't worry. I'm totally on top of this.

Wade Wilson: What if I just held on and never let go?

Vanessa Carlysle: Just ride a bitch's back, like Yoda on Luke.

Wade Wilson: Oh, Star Wars jokes.

Vanessa Carlysle: Empire.

Wade Wilson: Jesus Christ. It's like I made you in a computer.

Wade Wilson: [drops fistful of tickets on counter] A limited edition Voltron Defender of the Universe ring, por favor.

Arcade Ticket Taker: [moves tickets aside] Okay, here we go...

Wade Wilson: [indicates ring to Vanessa] I've had my eye on this sucker for a while.

Vanessa Carlysle: And I will take the pencil eraser.

Arcade Ticket Taker: Okay.

[to Wade]

Arcade Ticket Taker: You are now the proud protector of the planet Arus.

[to Vanessa]

Arcade Ticket Taker: And you can erase stuff written in pencil.

Wade Wilson: [offers Vanessa his arm] M'lady.

Buck: [smacks Vanessa's rear] I'd hit that.

Wade Wilson: Buck, you best apologize before...

[Vanessa grabs Buck's groin]

Wade Wilson: Yeah, that.

Vanessa Carlysle: Say the magic words, Fat Gandalf.

Buck: I'm sorry.

Wade Wilson: Breathe through the nose.

Buck: I don't have a filter between my brain and my...

[Vanessa grabs harder]

Wade Wilson: [to Vanessa] Let go. Okay. Hey, oh, oh, oh... Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.

Wade Wilson: Listen, IÂ’ve been thinking.

Vanessa Carlysle: Really?

Wade Wilson: About why weÂ’re so good together.

Vanessa Carlysle: Why is that?

Wade Wilson: Well, your crazy matches my crazy, big time.

Vanessa Carlysle: Mm.

Wade Wilson: And, uh, weÂ’re like two jigsaw pieces, you know, and we have curvy edges.

Vanessa Carlysle: But you fit them together and you see the picture on top.

Wade Wilson: Right.

Vanessa Carlysle: Wade, thereÂ’s something IÂ’ve been meaning to ask you. Only because you havenÂ’t gotten around to asking me. Will you, um, stick it up my a

[Wade holds up a giant ring]

Wade Wilson: Marry me?

Vanessa Carlysle: Uh, jinx?

Wade Wilson: Huh.

Vanessa Carlysle: Where were you hiding that?

Wade Wilson: Nowhere.

[Wade and is shown to be butt-naked]