Van Dough Quotes in Ri¢hie Ri¢h (1994)

[having forced Richard Sr. and Regina to open Mount Richmore, Van Dough finds that instead of money, it contains... baby pictures, comic books, baseball cards, finger paintings, and other bric-a-brac!]

Van Dough: Why, this is incredible! This is amazing! Why, this is -...

[gets disillusioned]

Van Dough: This is... this is junk!

Regina Rich: [they both look insulted] Junk?

Van Dough: What is this? Bronze dog bones? Accordians? Baby pictures, tricycles, kites...

[picks up a]

Van Dough: Bowling trophies?

Richard Rich Sr.: Oh, do you remember that, darling?

Regina Rich: Our first date!

Van Dough: What is all of this crap?

Regina Rich: These are our treasured possessions!

Van Dough: But where's the gold... the diamonds... the negotiable bearer bonds? The money!

[points his gun at them]

Van Dough: WHERE'S THE MONEY?

Richard Rich Sr.: In banks, where else? And the stock market, real estate...

Van Dough: No! Is this some kind of joke? You're telling me there isn't one single platinum bar, or emerald, or $1,000 bill in this *entire mountain*?

Richard Rich Sr.: Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, Lawrence, but that's not what we treasure.

Van Dough: [to Ambler] Shoot them! Shoot them now, please!

Van Dough: I'm all in favor of charity, sir. But your donations are costing the corporation $1 billion a year, and I think it's time we asked ourselves: What are we getting for it?

Regina Rich: [incredulous] What are we getting for it? Why, we're getting food banks, medical clinics, shelters for the homeless-!

Richard Rich Sr.: Now, Regina, calm down! It's my job to keep an eye on the bottom line.

Van Dough: Which is why I have to oppose the United Tool acquisition. We should be getting rid of dead weight, not acquiring more.

Richard Rich Sr.: I agree. That's why I am getting rid of United Tool...

Regina Rich: Richard! All those people and their jobs!

Van Dough: That is brilliant. I should've thought of it myself. We buy the company in bankruptcy, level the factories...

Richard Rich Sr.: No, I'm keeping the factory open.

Van Dough: Then we go in and bust the unions, slash benefits, and after that sell the company. Right?

Richard Rich Sr.: No. We give it away.

Van Dough: [bangs his hand down on the table, and snaps his finger] We git it a - -

[suddenly looks despaired]

Van Dough: We give it away.

Richard Rich Sr.: Absolutely! We modernize it, of course, and retool. Then we turn the factory over to the workers.

Richard Rich Sr.: [singing the passcode to open the family vault] We ain't got a barrel of money.

Regina Rich: Maybe we're ragged and funny.

Richard Rich Sr., Regina Rich: But we'll travel along-singing our song-side by side.

Vault Security System: Code accepted.

Van Dough: Thank you, Beavis and Butthead.

Van Dough: [as he steps out of his limo and into a puddle] 37-and-a-half miles of driveway, and you park in the 5 feet with a puddle!

Chauffeur: I'm very sorry, sir.

Van Dough: You're very sorry? Well, in that case, find another job.

Van Dough: [to his long-suffering secretary, who's been rubbing his temples] No, clockwise. I said, massage CLOCKWISE. Migranes are bad enough without your incompetence. Get out!

Professor Keenbean: [taped to a chair] AAAH!

[Ferguson rams Keenbean into wall and starts choking him]

Van Dough: [eating Keenbean's sandwich] Come on, Professor, play nice. You think I'm enjoying this?

Professor Keenbean: [gagging] Yesss.

Van Dough: [while interrogating Professor Keenbean] You told me what this machine can do to a person. How'd you like to spend the rest of your life as a bedpan?