Valo Quotes in Haggard (2003)

[Glauren and Hellboy are having sex; Valo and Falcone are eavesdropping]

Glauren: Teenagers were meant to fuck.

Valo: Did she just say "teenagers were meant to fuck"?

Valo: Some girl stabbed Ryan in the eye, now he's gotta rock a pirate-patch for at least a month.

[after showing Ryan the tape of Hellboy and Glauren having sex]

Ryan: I'm gonna rip Hellboy a new asshole.

Valo: No, I think Hellboy ripped Glauren a new asshole.

Dooly: Bro, why weren't you at the rager last night?

Valo: What rager? Maybe 'cause you didn't call me up and invite me.

Dooly: Watch your mouth, sweetheart.

Valo: Yo, what was it like though, bein' in jail for the first time? Was it good?

Ryan: Just drop it.

Valo: Did you meet any new friends?

Ryan: Just drop it, alright?

Valo: Let me guess: some sort of experiment?

Falcone: Spearmint? I'd rather Wintergreen. What are you talkin' about?

Valo: The TV. It's sideways.

Falcone: Why wouldn't it be sideways? I have to watch it with my neck straight, so I'm comfortable. Otherwise I'd have a taco neck, ya know?

Valo: Did you take acid?

Falcone: ...yea.

Falcone: I will tell you everything, I'll let you know. You'll be so much smarter. Girls are like... a lake, you know? Like, you can jump right in, get in there, and then you're all used to it and everything's great. But come winter time

[snaps fingers]

Falcone: that shit's fuckin' frozen. Then you're fucked. That's why I know the difference: I always pull out of it.

Valo: What are you talking about? This food is making you crazy.

Valo: What the hell is wrong with all my friends? Fuck.

Valo: You paint your face fluorescent yellow and you want a sip of my booze? Fuck off!

Valo: He definitely doesn't wear the pants in that relationship.

Falcone: Pants? He wears girl's underwears.

Valo: Why is Don Vito such a bitch about grapes?

Falcone: Yeah, Don Vito's a whore about grapes.

Valo: Yeah, well Your fucking brilliant plan just got me pissed on by Hellboy's sick dick. Thanks!

Valo: I don't care if it's a car, I don't care if it's a Goddamn Batmobile. I don't want to drive with him.

Ryan: [halfheartedly throws bottle]

Valo: That was the most pussified attempt I have ever seen.

Valo: What the fuck is wrong with your face? We're about to perform a highly illegal break-in and you're on your way to a football game with your frat buddies!

Valo: [Valo's voicemail message] Yeah, I figured it'd be you, that's why I didn't answer it.

Beth: I think those are the most innovative people I've ever seen.

Valo: Are you kidding me? I think that's the most asinine shit I've ever seen apart from that ghetto ass fuck machine!

Raab: See you Valo.

Valo: God-damn, I don't know him.

Valo: I popped the trunk for you!

Falcone: Yeah, I popped a boner for you, fuck you.

Officer: I gotta take you in.

Valo: Aww, for the love of fucks sake, you CAN'T take him in.

Officer: I gotta make an arrest here; I had a complaint...

Valo: Whwhwhwh, wait, I got this sports watch, you can have it, here.

Valo: Don't touch me, or I'll seriously kill your face, it's so hardcore.

Valo: Tell him how Hellboy's in for it.

Falcone: You know Hellboy? He's in for it.

Valo: Alright dude, seriously just relax okay? Look at that girl over there. She's reading a book alone. If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.

Ryan Dunn: What are you talking about, Valo? It's a coffee shop. People like that come here to get away from people like us.

Valo: She is looking for ass, I can see it.

Ryan Dunn: What does it matter? I look like shit.

Valo: Go talk to her.

Ryan Dunn: What do I say?

Valo: I don't know. Compliment her on that tattoo or something.

Ryan Dunn: Yeah, that'll work. It sounds so fucking lame.

Valo: Worked for Glauren.

Valo: You've got a fucking rhinoceros on your chest! What the hell did you do?

Ryan: I just got a tattoo...

Valo: It looks ri-Goddamn-diculous!

Valo: When was the last time you beat off?

Ryan: ...What?

Valo: When was the last time you beat off?

Valo: Seriously, knock that shit off. I'm going to punch your throat off your body. I'm walking over here. If you follow me, I'm gonna kill you.

Bartenders: What the hell?

Valo: Oh, it's just Naked Dave.