Val Quotes in Torque (2004)

Dalton: I eat when I'm nervous.

Val: He eats when he's horny. He just likes to eat.

Val: Every major road into L.A. is blocked. I know you said it wouldn't be fun if it was easy, but does it have to be THIS much fun?

Val: You want this hour's bad news? Every major road in L.A. is blocked! I know you said it wouldn't be any fun if it was easy, but does it have to be THIS much fun?

Val: Far out, warden.

Warden Bacman: Don't call me warden, call me Fellini!

Armand: [to Agador] Pull yourself together! Because you have to cook dinner. And I'm going after fucking Albert.

[Exits]

Val: You... can *cook*, right?

Agador: Your father seems to think so...

Val: Agador, why aren't you wearing your shoes?

Agador: [manly voice] I do not wear the shoes... because... they make me fall down.

Val: [Agador is dancing by the pool] Uh, Dad, could we maybe hire a straight maid for this evening?

Armand: There are no straight maids in South Beach.

Armand: Agador!

Val: Spartacus!

Armand: Agador Spartacus!... He insists on being called by his full name.

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Ohh.

[He covers his face for one second and drinks his wine in 1 go]

Val: It's a girl. Are you upset?

Armand: Let me tell you why.

Val: Who put Playboy in the bathroom?

Goldman Girl: Leave it, it's what they read.

Val: Don't add! Just subtract!

Armand: Val's fiancée is coming tonight with her parents, and we thought... we thought it would be better if you weren't here.

Albert: I see... I see.

Val: It's just for tonight.

Albert: I understand, it's just while people are here.

Val: Put your shoes on Agador, it's getting late.

Agador: [In what he thinks is a normal waiter's voice] Ah, but there's no point in my putting shoes on.

[blows out match]

Agador: I never wear shoes because they make me fall down.

Val: Just, put your shoes on, okay? And talk in your normal voice, and just... give me a break, okay?

Agador: [In real voice] Okay.

Val: My first day at Edison Park, you told me that if Miss Donovan asked what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.

Armand: Well, you were a baby, and Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt.

Val: I can still get hurt.

Val: [about his marriage] Is it all right, Dad?

Armand: Does it matter?

Val: Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.

Armand: I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.

Val: Okay, if that's how you feel.

Armand: I do.

Val: Fine.

[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]

Val: Goodbye, Pop.

Armand: Goodbye, son.

[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]

Armand: Oh, come here!

[pulls him into a hug]

Armand: You little pisher, you called my bluff!

Val: Yeah, but it was good, though.

Armand: Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.

Val: I assure you, Mother is just following a train of thought to a logical, yet absurd conclusion... much in the same way Jonathan Swift did when he suggested the Irish feed their babies to the rich.

Val: I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.

Armand: Oh, God...

Val: I'm getting married.

Armand: Oh...

[face-palms]

Val: I didn't want to tell you over the phone...

Armand: Mmm.

Val: It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...

[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]

Val: Uh... are you upset?

Armand: [nods] But let me tell you why.

Armand: First off, you're only twenty.

Val: Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...

Armand: Oh, please.

Val: No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.

Armand: Stop flattering me, it's cheap.

Val: They say we die twice. Once when the breath leaves our body, and once when the last person we know says our name.

Val: So, what'll it be. Chew gum, or kick ass.

Doc: I'm all outta gum.

Doc: You can't open a car with a coat hanger any more, Val.

Val: Says who?

Doc: Says the people who make cars.

Doc: [as Val is urging them to steal the car] This car belongs to the Jargoniew brothers. I happen to know that.

Val: A-and that's supposed to mean something to me?

Doc: Nobody messes with these guys! They are the type of guys that take your kidneys out and not even sell them!

Val: So how's your health?

Hirsch: Well, they took something out of me a couple of months ago.

Val: What'd they take out?

Hirsch: I don't know. I didn't ask, it's none of my business. But I'm a little more streamlined now, a little more aerodynamic.

Val: [In the confessional] Forgive me Father for I have sinned.

Priest: How long since your last confession?

Val: 60 years give or take a few.

Val: Are you a real doctor?

Doctor: Are you a real patient? Is that a real penis?

Doc: [stealing a gangster's car] This is not a good idea, Val.

Val: Yeah, well, my life is full of not good ideas.

Val: [Looking for the second girl in a proposed meage a trois] What about you?

Wendy: Who me? No. I don't do it for money. I just can't...

Val: Well, we won't pay you.

Hirsch: Hey, Val...

Val: Yeah?

Hirsch: It's like the old days, isn't it?

Val: No! It's better.

Hirsch: Yeah! Why?

Val: Because this time we can appreciate it.

Hirsch: Yeah, that's why.

Val: Oh Ouh! Mount Everest just moved into my pants.

Doc: My friend is looking for a "party".

Wendy: Yeah? What kind of party?

Val: Bar Mitzvah.

Hirsch: Give me the key.

Doc: There's no key.

Hirsch: Give me the key.

Doc: It's new. It's a button. Push the button.

Val: Push the button.

Doc: It's computers.

Hirsch: Man, this is like the future.

Doc: [These lines are read like a well-polished mantra familiar to all of them] What time is it?

Hirsch: I don't know. What time is it?

Val: It's time to kick ass or chew gum, and guess what?

Doc: I'm all out of gum!

[They ritually stomp their feet]

Val: [after taking too much ED medication] I'm fighting the Battle of the Bulge here. This thing is going up and down like a yo-yo...

Val: [Just coming out of prison] You look like shit!

Doc: You look worse!

Val: Your place looks like where I just came from except it's worse.

Doc: So, it's not to your liking. Sorry.

Val: Not to my liking is the understatement of all time.

Val: This is the worst apartment I've ever seen.

Doc: Hey, it's not much, but it's mine.

Val: I took the fall. For everyone. I'm a stand up guy.

Val: Hey, ladies! What do you say, what do you know? It's me, Giacomo!

Val: You know, part of me wants it so badly.

Lori: And the other part?

Val: Also wants it. That's the problem.

Ellie: We didn't communicate.

Val: We had sex!

Ellie: Yes, we had sex. But we never talked.

Val: Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

Val: You know, I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are the people offering me the job.

Val: A tenth of a point after quadruple break-even! You are really a shark, Al.

Ellie: Our marriage wasn't going anywhere.

Val: Where do you want it to go? Where do marriages go? After a while they just lay there. That's the thing about marriages.

Val: Thank God the French exist.

Val: For me, the nicest thing about masturbation is afterward, the cuddling time.

Val: I came to hold out an olive branch.

Tony Waxman: "An olive branch"? What is this, the Israeli parliament?

Val: ...driving around his 1938 Vintage Roadster. If someone saw me in a vintage '38, they'd think I was Himmler!

Val: For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

Lori: From making love with you?

Val: We once had a discussion about music and he threatened to push me down a flight of stairs.

Psychiatrist: What happened?

Val: It worked. He pushed me down a flight of stairs.

Val: I love ya, scum bag.

Al Hack: You don't have a brain tumor.

Val: Al, with all due respect, I have to hear that from someone who went to a greater medical school than the William Morris Agency.

[Ellie has called Lori a wind-up doll]

Val: That wind-up doll happens to have a Ph.D.

Ellie: In what? The history of gym?

[Val has just seen the terrible work of his latest film he directed while blind]

Val: Call Dr. Kevorkian.

Val: What the hell am I doing in Canada? Lori, they got moose up here. Moose. Are moose carnivorous?

Val: This guy stole my wife.

Al Hack: He doesn't hold that against you.

Val: At the Plaza Hotel. For God's sake, I got the bill. You had the escargot that afternoon. It's so disgusting. Sex and snails with that roast beef from Beverly Hills.

Val: She's living with a guy the best you can say about him is that sometimes he returns phone calls.

Ellie: You were on the cutting edge of everything.

Val: So, how did I go from the cutting edge to the buttering edge?

Val: I got the last plane out of Toronto. Hey, have you ever seen Canada? Now I know why there's no crime up there.

Val: Pass! I'm not going to work with Hal Yeager and Ellie. You gotta be kidding. He's a Philistine and she's a Quisling. Its a religious conflict.

Val: Lori, I can't stick my girlfriend in a movie.

Lori: I'm not just your girlfriend. I'm good!

Male Party Guest #1: We were just talking about Alfred Hitchcock. Truffaut says that "Notorious" is his best film.

Val: I agree! I agree. A masterpiece.

Lori: What are you talking about? You hate that - he hates that movie. The ending makes you crazy!

Val: Yes. Cause its a masterpiece. Every time I watch that movie, when Cary Grant is is carrying Ingrid Bergman down the staircase, I always think that the Germans are gonna catch them. No matter how many times I see it! I think the Germans are gonna get 'em.

Male Party Guest #1: Hitchcock was an artist, but, he was commercial.

Val: You say that like its a good thing?

Female Party Guest: No. Well, you have to be both. I mean he knew what he was doing, you know. So, you know, in order to make movies you have to think about the audience. You have to - otherwise you're just making movies for yourself. It's like, eh, like artistic masturbation.

Male Party Guest #2: That's right. That's right. You're a narcissist.

Val: Well, I'm a classic narcissist then.

Ellie: You had all the symptoms but not the disease.

Val: You used to think I was creative and original.

Ellie: I still do, as a filmmaker. Its when you became creative as a hypochondriac - that was it.

Val: Hey, all those attacks were for real.

Ellie: Oh yeah?

Val: Yes!

Ellie: The Black Plague, Val? An allergy to oxygen? Elm blight? Only trees get elm blight - elm trees.

Hal: I said from the start to use Harold Pappas!

Val: Pappas is a hack! Pappas, Pappas is safe, but he's uninspired. I can't work with him!

Hal: Then you should bow out now!

Val: I said I can't work with him - I didn't say I wouldn't work with him.

Ellie: I hear that she's all sugar and sweetness and gets into your good graces and then - Wham! You know, she kept telling Sean Madigan how she loved all of his films and she was a big fan and how he was a great, I don't know, unique American artist. And then in the profile she did, she disemboweled him.

Val: If you happen to fall for that kind of flattery, you know, I can handle it, though.

Ellie: Please! You couldn't handle Shirley Temple.

Al Hack: I'm telling you, Val, you're going to muddle your way through until your sight returns.

Val: But, Al, I can't direct a picture. I'm blind!

Al Hack: Have you seen some of the pictures out there?

Al Hack: A hint of this can't get out. You will direct a hit picture. Sometimes God works in strange ways.

Val: Like Job.

Sharon Bates: If I act with a fine director, like yourself, I - there's nothing I wouldn't do sexual for him.

Val: Oh, well you should, you should take a full page ad in the DJ magazine stating that because you'll never stop working then. Can, is it possible to - to open the door for me because of all the heavy breathing, it has steamed my glasses.

Val: Hal's not gonna know. You know, unless you tell him, you know during pillow talk or something. You know, you guys probably don't have pillow talk, he probably has sex with you while he's on the cellular phone.

Val: It's funny, because, my - unfulfilled life dream is that you and I would live in Paris together.

Ellie: You know, I was willing and you where the one that always lost your nerve.

Val: Well, it's funny, that seems like so long ago now. Its amazing how things change, isn't it?

Val: [looking at trees] These are douglas firs.

Aqua: That's very interesting.

Val: Thank you.

Val: Gina?

Gina: Yeah?

Val: What... what time do you think it is now?

Gina: It's time to ask about Brad again!

Val: Oh just FINE! FINE!

Gina: No, I don't mean that. I just mean, just ENJOY this! I mean Molly's gonna get us out of here. All we have to do is enjoy this. Look at this place... I mean would you look at that toilet? It's the most disgusting toilet I ever saw! What if you had to pee right now?

Val: Just shut up, I DO have to go pee right now!

Val: Get out of the grave, Alan. Get out of the grave and let an artist show you how to call a curse down on Satan!

Val: The ten-cent tour, which we get for only a quarter.

Val: Will you quit giving us a play-by-play of your flabby bladder?

Val: It made perfect sense to you last year when you made the bomb threat.

Trevor: I don't know what you mean.

Val: You know exactly what I mean. You made the bomb threat, endangered lots of kids lives, you took the first step toward killing.

Trevor: Did anyone die?

Val: That's beside the point.

Trevor: What's the point

Val: The point is you took that step.

Trevor: The bomb was empty.

Val: And perfectly made.

Trevor: Totally harmless.

Val: But most people don't take that step. You did. Now who's to say you won't take the next step?

Trevor: It went no further.

Val: Josh did. Josh did. Why? Why, Trevor? What do you have that Josh doesn't have? What do you have that Josh doesn't have, Trevor? Fear of punishment, conscience, God, perhaps, Ten Commandments, too chicken. Whatever it is. Let's call it X. Now, tell me, Trevor, what would happen if I were to reach right into your soul and remove X?

Trevor: I'd be Josh.

Val: Yeah. You'd be Josh.

Angry Parent: What about this 'Bang, Bang, I'm Gonna Kill You'?

Val: 'Bang, Bang, You're Dead.'

Angry Parent: Seems there's no control here. Why is a play like that being done?

Val: Because we couldn't get the rights to 'Hello, Dolly!'

Val: It's not what's in a kid's backpack that makes him dangerous, it's what's in his heart.

Val: This play is the best way to know how to look into a kid's heart.

Val: Trevor. Just because I cast you as a bad guy doesn't mean you have to play the part.

Trevor: Can you get everybody out of here?

Val: What are you talking about?...

Val: What are you talking about, Trevor?

Trevor: Guns. Trogs with Guns.

Val: Are they?...

[at Lauren's waiting for Vic to move out of the house]

Lauren: We're trying to get him out of the house.

Val: So I shut off the A/C in the apartment. He'll be so hot, he'll have to move out!

Holly: Val! He's a fireman! He's used to the heat!

Val: Gog... and Magog.

Captain Bosch: Yeah... well... uh, Val, I understand you used to live underground. What made you change your mind?

Val: On each side of the throne there are four living creatures filled with eyes in front *and* behind.

Captain Bosch: Creatures? Talking about your friends? They still down there?

Val: I know your work. You go by the name of being alive and you are dead.

Captain Bosch: Now listen, pal...

[Val whips out a big knife and Bosch jumps back, startled]

Val: They have the power to shut the sky.

[quivering]

Val: They have the power to shut the sky.

Val: There's a reason for every little event on this planet. Or do you think we're here by accident?

Baz: You don't fight evil by accident