Uncle Vernon Quotes in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (2001)

Harry: I swear I don't know. One minute the glass was there and then it was gone. It was like magic.

Uncle Vernon: There's no such thing as magic!

Dudley Dursley: [on Dudley's birthday] How many are there?

Uncle Vernon: 36, counted them myself.

Dudley Dursley: 36! But last year, last year I had 37!

Uncle Vernon: Yes, yes, but some of them are quite a bit bigger than last year.

Dudley Dursley: I don't care how big they are!

Uncle Vernon: He will not be going, I tell you! We swore when we took him in we'd put a stop to all this rubbish!

Harry: You knew? You knew all along and you never told me?

Aunt Petunia: Of course we knew. How could you not be? My perfect sister being who she was. My mother and father were so proud the day she got her letter. "We have a witch in the family. Isn't it wonderful?" I was the only one to see her for what she was... a freak! And then she met that Potter. And then she had you, and I knew you would be the same. Just as strange, just as... abnormal. And then if you please, she went and got herself blown up, and we got landed with you.

Harry: Blown up? You told me my parents died in a car crash!

Hagrid: A car crash? A car crash kill Lily and James Potter?

Aunt Petunia: We had to say something.

Hagrid: It's an outrage! It's a scandal!

Uncle Vernon: He'll not be going!

Hagrid: Oh, and I suppose a great muggle like yourself's gonna stop him, are ya?

Harry: [writing HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY on the sand-like floor of the boat he and the Dursley's are in] Make a wish, Harry.

[looks at Dudley's watch, it is now his birthday, and blows on the dusty, sand-like floor, when someone is trying to break in, which wakes Dudley up]

Uncle Vernon: [come's into Dudley and Harry's room with a rifle and Aunt Petunia] Who's there?

[the door breaks open, and everyone screams in terror]

Hagrid: Sorry about that.

[puts door back on]

Uncle Vernon: I demand that you leave at once! You are breaking an entry!

Hagrid: [walks over to Vernon] Dry up, Dursley, you great prune!

[bends the rifle's end up and Vernon shoots and walks over to Dudley]

Hagrid: Boy, I hasn't seen yeh since you was a baby, Harry, but you're a little bit longer that I expected, especially right in the middle.

Dudley Dursley: I-I'm not Harry.

Harry: [walks over to Hagrid] I am.

Hagrid: Well, of course you are. Got somethin' for yeh, 'fraid I may have sat on it at some point, but I imagine it'll taste just the same.

[gives Harry a box]

Hagrid: Painted it myself, words and all.

[Dudley looks jealous]

Harry: [opens the box, to reveal a cake that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY on it] Thank you.

Hagrid: It's not every day your young man turns eleven, eh?

Uncle Vernon: [to Harry] There's no such thing as magic!

Dudley Dursley: [about presents] How many are there?

Uncle Vernon: 36, counted them myself.

Uncle Vernon: You bring her back! You bring her back now, you put her right!

Harry: No! She deserved what she got! Keep away from me.

Uncle Vernon: You're not allowed to do magic outside of school.

Harry: Yeah? Try me.

Uncle Vernon: They won't take you back now! You've nowhere to go!

Harry: I don't care! Anywhere's better than here.

Uncle Vernon: And Dudley, you will be?

Dudley Dursley: I'll be waiting to open the door.

Uncle Vernon: Excellent. And you?

Harry: I'll be in my bedroom, making no noise and pretending that I don't exist.

[first lines]

[Hedwig wants to be let out of her cage]

Harry: I can't let you out, Hedwig! I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school. Besides, if Uncle Vernon...

Uncle Vernon: [yells] Harry Potter!

Harry: Now you've done it.

Uncle Vernon: I should think you'd be a little more grateful. We've raised you since you were a baby, given you the food off our table, even let you have Dudley's second bedroom, purely out of the goodness of our hearts.

Uncle Vernon: Petunia, he's escaping!

Uncle Vernon: Oh no you don't, boy! You and that bloody pigeon aren't going anywhere!

Uncle Vernon: [Dobby is banging on Harry's dresser upstairs; the Dursely's and the Masons can hear it] Oh, don't mind that, it's just the... cat.

Harry: [as Hedwig the owl squeals] I can't let you out, Hedwig. I'm not allowed to use magic outside of school. Besides, if Uncle Vernon...

Uncle Vernon: Harry Potter!

Harry: Now you've done it.

Harry: [about Hedwig rattling in cage] But she's bored! If I could only let her out for an hour or two...

Uncle Vernon: [chuckles] So you can send secret messages to your freaky little friends, no sir.

Harry: I haven't gotten any messages... from any of my friends. Not one.

Dudley Dursley: Who'd want to be friends with you?

[nudges Harry out of way]

Uncle Vernon: I wish you'd be a little more grateful. We've raised you since you were a baby. We've given you the food at our table, you even have Dudley's second bedroom, clearly out of the goodness of our hands.

Aunt Petunia Dursley: [as Dudley tries to steal some cake] Not now, Popkins! It's for when the Msons are on.

Uncle Vernon: Which should be any minute!

[gestures everyone towards him]

Uncle Vernon: Now, let's go over our schedule once again, shall we? Petunia, when the Masons arrive, you will be-?

Aunt Petunia Dursley: In the lounge, waiting to welcome them graciously to our home!

Uncle Vernon: Good. And Dudley, you will be-?

Dudley Dursley: [in an accent] I'll be waiting to open the door.

Uncle Vernon: Excellent!

[he, Aunt Petunia, and Dudley walk toward Harry]

Uncle Vernon: And you?

Harry: I'll be in my bedroom. Making no noise and pretending I don't exist.

Uncle Vernon: Too right you are. This could well be the biggest day of my career. And you will not mess it up.

Uncle Vernon: [drilling a cage into Harry's window] You're never going back to that school. You're never going to see those freaky friends of yours! Never!