Uncle Jesse Quotes in The Dukes of Hazzard (2005)

Uncle Jesse: What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Luke Duke: What?

Uncle Jesse: A piece of ass that brings a tear to your eye.

Luke Duke: You thinkin' about throwin' that?

Uncle Jesse: Oh, I'm gonna throw it... I was thinkin' about pussy.

Uncle Jesse: You know what happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller!

Daisy Duke: You know what's gonna happen. They're gonna get caught and get thrown in jail. Then I'm gonna have to shake my ass at somebody to get them out.

Uncle Jesse: That's why we love ya, honey.

Uncle Jesse: Why are divorces so expensive?

Luke Duke: Why?

Uncle Jesse: 'Cause they're *worth* it!

Uncle Jesse: Here's another one; drunk walks out of a bar and runs into a guy carrying an antique grandfather clock. The guy drops the clock, breaking into a million pieces. He looks at the drunk and says, "Why don't you watch where you're going?" The drunk looks at him and says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else?"

Uncle Jesse: You know why tornadoes and blonds are so much alike?

Luke Duke: No.

Uncle Jesse: At first, there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then you lose your house.

Uncle Jesse: What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?

Luke Duke: What?

Uncle Jesse: A playboy.

Uncle Jesse: [after Luke crashes through a police roadblock] Give me your goddamn licence!

Luke Duke: What license?

Luke Duke: [while Bo and Luke are getting arrested in the courthouse] Well, now, I guess the party's over.

Boss Hogg: Dam right it is! As long as I'm the County Commissioner in the great State of Georgia, you two are gonna rot in the penitentiary. Cuff them!

Daisy Duke: Excuse me, Rick Shankley? I believe the governor has a statement to make.

Governor Jim Applewhite: I do?

Daisy Duke: Yes, sir. You were going to tell everyone about how these boys are heroes for saving Hazzard County.

Governor Jim Applewhite: As everyone knows, I have always been a great friend to the environment, and these boys are environmental heroes!

Uncle Jesse: And you're going to pardon them for all of their crimes, huh?

Governor Jim Applewhite: Moreover, as Governor, I hereby pardon these boys for any and all offenses against the great State of Georgia. Go 'Dogs!

Uncle Jesse: Governor, I want to thank you for pardoning me too.

Boss Hogg: Pardon you for what?

Uncle Jesse: For this!

[Uncle Jesse punches Boss Hogg in the mouth]

Governor Jim Applewhite: Oh, what the hell. I pardon him too!

Uncle Jesse: # Just the good ol' boys/Never meanin' no harm/Beats all you never saw/Been in trouble with the law since the day they was born/Straightenin' the curves/Flattenin' the hills/Someday the mountain might get 'em but the law never will/Makin' their way the only way they know how/That's just a little bit more than the law would allow/Just the good ol' boys/Wouldn't change if they could/ Fightin' the system like a true modern day Robin Hood #

Uncle Jesse: Guy come out of an antique shop carrying a big grandfather's clock. Bumped into this drunk, broke the clock. Guy said, "Why don't you watch where you're going." The drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wristwatch like everybody else."

Uncle Jesse: How's it lookin, good lookin?

Luke Duke: [Uncle Jesse takes a big gulp of moonshine while being pursued by the police] Stop that! Why are doin' that?

Uncle Jesse: What I'm about to do, I don't want to remember a lot of it.

[lights a wick in the jar and throws it at the police car chasing them]

Pauline: An apple?

Uncle Jesse: An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

Uncle Jesse: [Luke and Bo just failed a moonshine delivery] How many Dukes does it take to screw up a moonshine delivery?

Bobby Lee: Jesse, she's in trouble.

Uncle Jesse: Did you do it?

Bobby Lee: It ain't that kind of trouble.