Uncle Fester Quotes in The Addams Family (1991)
Uncle Fester Quotes:
Gomez: [watching home movies] Remember that fateful night?
Uncle Fester: Of course... Your first cigar!
Gomez: What? Come on, Old Man, I've smoked since I was five. Mother insisted.
[Gordon, Craven and Tully keep trying to open the Addams Family Vault. For the umpteenth time, the house's booby traps dump them outside the house]
Abigail Craven: You are doing this on purpose!
Uncle Fester: [sarcastic] That's right, Mother, isn't this fun!
Tully Alfford: I'll race you back.
Dr. Pinderschloss: Keep the book closed, Gordon. Listen to mother!
Uncle Fester: I'll never listen to you, never, ever again!
Dr. Pinderschloss: I had to be strict with you because I cared! Put it down!
Uncle Fester: You never really loved me!
Gomez: Fester, this way!
Dr. Pinderschloss: Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing! Be a man!
Uncle Fester: You were a terrible mother! There! I said it!
[Fester opens the book, and a hurricane is unleashed inside the house, causing Tully and Dr. Pinderschloss to launch out the window]
Uncle Fester: Children, look. Great-Aunt Lavinia! She was beheaded by her own children!
Wednesday, Pugsley: Yay!
Gomez: [as they search for Wednesday] Fan out. Pugsley, head for the dung heap. Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves. I'll take the abyss. Lurch, check out the bottomless pit. Fester?
Uncle Fester: [from a window] Up here!
Gomez: [shouting up to him] Fester, you take the ravine, and the unmarked, abandoned well!
Uncle Fester: Somebody should stay behind in case she comes back.
Gomez: Good man. Good thinking!
Grandmama: Then who'll take the swamp?
Gomez: [Thing taps Gomez's shoe] That's the spirit, Thing. Lend a hand. Let's go!
Uncle Fester: Haven't you ever slaughtered anyone?
Wednesday: He's only a child.
Uncle Fester: No excuse! Aim for a major artery. The jugular.
Dr. Pinderschloss: [after the party in Fester's honour] Gordon, I don't understand this. Let me get this clear. Have you been having a good time?
Uncle Fester: [jubilant] Yes, I have! It was marvelous. I sang up a storm! And I danced 'till I dropped! The Mamushka!
Uncle Fester: [reading a book] Look, children. A new chapter.
Uncle Fester, Wednesday, Pugsley: "Scabs".
Uncle Fester: [being apologetic to his "mother"] It was just a party. It's over. It means nothing. The Siamese twins, the hunchback, Cousin It, they're not *you*.
Uncle Fester: What is this?
Morticia: Mama's spécialité de la maison.
Gomez: Oh, Tish.
Grandmama: [to Fester] Start with the eyes.
Uncle Fester: Dementia! What a beautiful name!
Dementia: It means "insanity."
Uncle Fester: My name is Fester. It means "to rot."
Debbie Jellinsky: Would you die for me?
Uncle Fester: Yes.
Debbie Jellinsky: Promise?
Debbie Jellinsky: FREEZE!
Uncle Fester: Pookie?
Debbie Jellinsky: I tried to make it look like an accident. I tried to give you some dignity. But oh no, not you.
Uncle Fester: What are you saying?
Debbie Jellinsky: I'm saying I want you dead and I want your money.
Uncle Fester: But... but... don't you love me?
Debbie Jellinsky: AH HA HA HA!
Uncle Fester: Is that a no?
Uncle Fester: I'm her husband.
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester!
Uncle Fester: Gimme a kiss.
Debbie Jellinsky: Gimme a twenty.
Uncle Fester: [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday: Physical pleasure.
Uncle Fester: Ooohhh!
Pugsley: Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester: Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"
Pugsley: It's a boy.
Wednesday: It's a girl.
Uncle Fester: Gomez!
Grandma: What news?
Wednesday: Father, what is it?
Gomez: [just upon returning from the hospital room, bursting] It's an Addams!
Debbie Jellinsky: And I dreamed that when I met him that we would wait until our wedding night to give ourselves to one another, to make the ultimate sacrifice.
Uncle Fester: A goat?
Debbie Jellinsky: My latest husband, my late husband, Fester.
Uncle Fester: The fool.
Debbie Jellinsky: The corpse. And his adorable family. You took me in, you accepted me, but did any of you love me? Really love me?
[the Addams family, all strapped into their electric chairs, are unable to raise their hands]
Debbie Jellinsky: You know, when I first saw him, I thought he was from Europe.
Uncle Fester: You did?
Debbie Jellinsky: It's true.
Uncle Fester: But, I took a bath.
Uncle Fester: [talking to Gomez about wanting a relationship with a woman] I... I have *needs*!
Gomez: ...There's Thing!
Uncle Fester: [as they are getting married, Fester tearfully recites his vows] I, Fester Addams, do hereby declare my un-ending love.
Uncle Fester: I will worship you forever. I will devote my every waking moment to your happiness alone.
Uncle Fester: Henceforth, I am your eternal and helpless slave.
Debbie Jellinsky: [near indifferent] Nice.
[to Cousin Itt, who acts as minister]
Debbie Jellinsky: Ditto.
Uncle Fester: It's me, Gomez! I've tried to be someone I'm not. I live in shame... and the suburbs!
Gomez: But you belong to Debbie! You're Debbie's love toy! You are *Mr. Debbie*!
Uncle Fester: I am an Addams!
Uncle Fester: Gomez! Morticia! Great news! Something impossible... a miracle!
Gomez: The rash?
Morticia: It's gone?
Uncle Fester: I'm engaged!
[Debbie shows them the ring]
Morticia: That ring!
Gomez: It was our mother's. She was buried with it.
[Debbie holds up a shovel]
Uncle Fester: [Referring to Thing relieving Fester's "desires"] It's not the same thing, I want legs, a body... a head.
Gomez: TWO legs?
Debbie Jellinsky: But with your looks, your charm... women must follow you everywhere!
Uncle Fester: Store detectives.
[after Fester walks off the plane, with leis around his neck, he approaches Debbie]
Debbie Jellinsky: Fester?
Uncle Fester: Uh-huh?
Debbie Jellinsky: We may be together for a while.
Uncle Fester: All our lives, cara mia!
Debbie Jellinsky: What?
Uncle Fester: Mon cher.
Debbie Jellinsky: Speak English!
Uncle Fester: Pumpkin?
Debbie Jellinsky: And if I have to be seen with you, we need to make some changes.
Uncle Fester: Changes?
Uncle Fester: Gomez, do you remember what we were like? I hated you!
Gomez: I despised you!
Uncle Fester: I choked him until he lost consciousness and had to be put on a respirator!
Gomez: I tied him to a tree and pulled out four of his permanent teeth!
Uncle Fester: When he was asleep, I opened his skull, and removed his brains!
Gomez: You did?
Uncle Fester: [laughs hysterically] Ah, brother!
[Gomez flings him into the opposite wall, then grabs up about twenty knives conveniently lying on the table, flinging them all around Fester, with several right next to his head. Fester laughs hysterically through it all, although the last four are done with Gomez's back to him]
Uncle Fester: Children, you see?
Uncle Fester: [about Debbie] She makes me think of... volatile chemicals.
Gomez: Truly Fester, has it finally happened at long last?
Uncle Fester: I don't know! I think so!
Uncle Fester: I'm making such a mess of things. Gomez! How do you do it? How can I be like you? How can I be... suave?
Gomez: Woo her. Admire her. Make her feel like she's the most sublime creature on Earth.
Gomez: Perfection achieved. We are the luckiest brothers on Earth. We are unworthy of such splendor, undeserving of such radiance.
Uncle Fester: Uh... that's right! We should have... ugly girls!
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