Uncle Dave Quotes in Postal (2007)

Dude: I will do whatever it takes to get the fuck out of Paradise! Anything! Anything!

Uncle Dave: Ok. Take me up the ass.

[Akward silence]

Uncle Dave: Just kidding!

Uncle Dave: [after kissing Richard] Fuck me! I'm fuckin' gay!

Uncle Dave: [Opening speech to his cult] Welcome to the Denomination of Organic Monotheism! I welcome you all to your first step of freedom by completing your training program. Obviously, you have all come to the conclusion that the American dream is not a dream for you. In fact, it is a nightmare!

[Members cheer]

Uncle Dave: A nightmare that soon will be engulfed in the all-encompassing flames of God's Damnation!

[members cheer again]

Uncle Dave: Pious people in the house say "Oh!"

[Members shout "Oh!"]

Uncle Dave: Who loves God? We do!

[Scene cuts to Uncle Dave laying naked in bed with a bunch of women]

Uncle Dave: When was the last time I saw you?

Dude: Bachelor party. The night before the wedding.

Uncle Dave: Oh, fuck yeah, that was fun! I wonder if that donkey survived.

Uncle Dave: [to Dude] You know, it's funny. All of these fuckin' idiots are calling me Uncle Dave and here I am actually "your" Uncle Dave.

[both chuckle]

Uncle Dave: All in all this has really not been a very pleasant day.

Uncle Dave: Today we're doing god work. So get in there and give those boys a god-job.

Dude: Where did you get all those monkeys?

Uncle Dave: I don't fucking know. I have nothing to do with this shit.

Richard: [about the terrorists] They only want to spread the flu in the United States. So, in order to fufil the prophecy in Dave's bible, we must wipe out the entire planet... WHICH brings us to you, Mr. Verne Troyer!

Verne Troyer: [to Uncle Dave] If he wrote anything about me in that book, you and I are gonna have a serious problem!

Richard: [Reading from Dave's Bible] And you shall know that the final day of reckoning will be at hand because on that day, a tiny entertainer will be RAPED by A THOUSAND MONKEYS!

Verne Troyer: That's it! I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

Uncle Dave: [regretfully] I'm so sorry, but-

[gets attacked by Verne Troyer]

Richard: [as the Babes are restraining Verne] No! Stop him! Stop him! We must do as God commands! BRING ON THE MONKEYS!

Verne Troyer: [Verne Troyer is about to get raped by monkeys] Oh! Not the monkeys!

Dude: Where did you get all those monkeys?

Uncle Dave: I don't fuckin' know. I got nothing to do with this shit.

Verne Troyer: [Verne gets locked in with the monkeys and starts getting raped] Don't get me into style, please!

Uncle Dave: All in all, though, this has not been a very pleasant day.

Uncle Dave: Ritchie, am I the only one who doesn't know of a fuckin' bomb shelter in my room?

Richard: It's not a bomb shelter, Uncle Dave.

[Opens vault]

Richard: It's a God shelter!