Uncle Albert Quotes in Superhero Movie (2008)

Uncle Albert: [to Rick about a book on puberty] There are mood swings, fluid retention, and once a month you'll bleed from your vagina.

[awkward pause]

Uncle Albert: This may be the wrong book.

Uncle Albert: Remember, with great power comes...

Rick Riker: Great responsibility?

Uncle Albert: Well, I was gonna say bitches, but if you want to be a virgin for the rest of your life...

Rick Riker: [opening the front door] Uncle Albert!

[Albert turns and shoots a nail from a nail gun; Rick catches the nail]

Uncle Albert: [amazed] How did you do that?

Rick Riker: It's... easier than it looks.

Uncle Albert: [shoots Trey in the hand] Nope. I don't think so.

Uncle Albert: With great power comes... ow!

Rick Riker: Great responsibility? Try to breathe!

Uncle Albert: I can't. You're kneeling on my balls!

Uncle Albert: How can you say that? I've been like a father to you! I raised you, just like your father did! I believed in you, just like your father did! I slept with your mother, just like your father did!

Uncle Albert: [lovingly] Your thighs look like warm cottage cheese someone threw up on a hot sidewalk.

Aunt Lucille Adams: And you've always had a tiny penis.

Uncle Albert: Well, what does it matter when you're in love?

Uncle Albert: God, Lucille! How could you take her away from me! I can't live without her! Lucille! Snookie lumps!

Undertaker: I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake. This is your wife.

Uncle Albert: [sees Lucille in other casket] Ah!

Undertaker: She is this man's wife.

Uncle Albert: Give me five minutes.

Uncle Albert: And maybe your father shouldn't have given you this afterall, look at the words your ancestors incribed in that ring: honor, valor, sacrifice, duty, commitment, bravery, justice, integerity, brotherhood, self-esteem, low prices, affordable housing, loose fitting pants, cheap internet porn, the rest is in Latin.

Uncle Albert: Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Woody Grant: So long, Albert.

Uncle Albert: So long, Woody.

[last lines]

Woody Grant: So long, Albert.

Uncle Albert: So long, Woody.

Cyril: Uncle, It's me, Cyril. You came to my eighth birthday party. You gave me a subscription to Algebra Monthly.

Uncle Albert: Cyril? Cyril! No, Cyril was a much smaller boy.

Cyril: But that was five years ago.

Uncle Albert: Was it? Well, err... I should think he'd be about your age by now.

[laughs]

Uncle Albert: I wonder what he's doing.

Robert: I can eat a whole goose by myself.

Uncle Albert: Well, if it is Friday as you assert, then goose was yesterday so you'll have to wait till err... next Thursday.

Robert: But there is a goose in the oven, and today is Friday!

Uncle Albert: Ah, well, Martha. Looks like Thursday's gone missing with last October.

Uncle Albert: Rule Three: Laundry three times a week. Very important, you know. The British Empire was built on clean pants. Clean pants and...

Horace: Mint sauce?

Uncle Albert: Don't be ridiculous, Horace. Rule four: Never, ever go into... the greenhouse.

Robert: The greenhouse.

Uncle Albert: He went mad, you know. Completely bonkers. Lost his marbles. Fell out of his tree. Oak, I think.

Martha: These are the children I was telling you about. Your nephews and nieces.

Uncle Albert: Impossible. They're not due 'till Friday. Isn't that right, Horace

Horace: Yes, Father. Not due 'till Friday.

Robert: Today is Friday.

Uncle Albert: Can't be.

[sniffs]

Uncle Albert: Smell that. That's Thursday.

Uncle Albert: Ah, children. I expect you could do with a spot of lunch.

Martha: Come on. Sit down, sit down, sit down.

Uncle Albert: But before that, second Saturday of the month. You all know what that means. Second Saturday. Statutes, laws, edicts, regulations... rules. Exciting times children. Time to grasp the Goblet of Goodness.

Cyril: Three million, four hundred and sixty five thousand, two hundred and twenty two.

Uncle Albert: Say that again.

Cyril: Three million, four hundred and sixty five thousand, two hundred and twenty two.

Uncle Albert: A prime number of the Zeeman series. Toppety-notchety work, Squirrel - Cyril. It's my favorite series, although the Flugelstadt Succession runs it a close second. I'll show you Dr. Flugelstadt's book. He went mad, you know, completely bonkers. Lost his marbles. Fell out of his tree. Oak, I think.

Uncle Albert: Oh, pendulous expression, furrowed brow. Bad news?

Martha: This letter from your publisher.

Uncle Albert: Yes, yes. Immaterial. Impact inconsequential.

Martha: They say they want to make big changes to your book.

Uncle Albert: They do?

Martha: Yes. It seems "Difficult Sums For Children" isn't catchy enough.

Uncle Albert: Catchy?

Martha: They're suggesting a new title. "Counting The Fun With Charlie Chicken". They're replacing you with a chicken.

Uncle Albert: Ridiculous.

Martha: Of course it is. We must write back and tell them immediately.

Uncle Albert: Just give me the name of the chicken and the address of his coop.

Martha: No, no, no. Your publishers. You can't have a counting chicken in your book.

Uncle Albert: Of course. No fingers. Can't count without fingers. No use. Oh, I suppose he could use wings. No, that's silly. He'd only get to two. Unless, err... Noah managed two by two. Gosh, that flood must have been a terrible set back.

[sniffs]

Uncle Albert: Ahh... Hmm-hmm. Smells like rain. Great change is afoot.

Martha: You can sign this one?

Uncle Albert: [to Horace] Horace... Horace, you're becoming eccentric.

Mary Poppins: [watching Bert, Albert, Jane, and Michael laugh together on the ceiling] Why, it's the most disgraceful sight I've ever seen, or my name isn't Mary Poppins.

Bert: Speakin' o' names, I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith.

Uncle Albert: What's the name of his other leg?

[he, Bert, Jane, and Michael laugh]

Bert: It reminds me of me brother. He got a nice cushy job at a watch factory.

Uncle Albert: At a watch factory? What does he do?

Bert: He stands about all day... and makes faces!

Uncle Albert: [laughing hysterically] He makes faces in a watch factory!

Bert: Uncle Albert, I got a jolly joke I saved for just such an occasion. Would you like to hear it?

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] I'd be so grateful.

Bert: Well it's about me granddad, see, and one night he has a nightmare. He was so scared, he chewed his pillow to bits. Bits. In the morning, I says, "How you feel, Granddad?" He says, "Oh, not bad. A little down in the mouth."

[Bert laughs, Uncle Albert sobs harder]

Bert: I always say there's nothing like a good joke.

Uncle Albert: [sobbing] No, and that was nothing like a good joke.

[Uncle Albert had been asked if there is a way to get down from being up in the air]

Uncle Albert: There is a way. And frankly, I don't like to think of it, because you have to think of something sad.

Mary Poppins: Then do get on with it, please.

Uncle Albert: Let me see... I have the very thing: Yesterday, when the lady next door answered the door, there was a man there, and the man said to the lady, "I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat."

[Jane and Michael descend from being up in the air]

Jane: Oh, that is sad.

Michael: The poor cat.

Uncle Albert: And the man said, "I'd like to replace your cat." And the lady said, "That's all right with me, but how are you with catching mice?"

[then they all burst out laughing and Jane and Michael re-ascend back to the tea table in the air]

Uncle Albert: Speaking of weather, the other day when it was so cold, a friend of mine went to buy some long underwear. The shopkeeper said to him, "How long do you want it?" And my friend said, "Well, from about September to March."