Ty Webb Quotes in Caddyshack (1980)

Ty Webb: Don't be obsessed with your desires Danny. The Zen philosopher, Basho, once wrote, 'A flute with no holes, is not a flute. A donut with no hole, is a Danish.' He was a funny guy.

Ty Webb: You take drugs, Danny?

Danny Noonan: Everyday.

Ty Webb: Good.

Judge Smails: You know, you should play with Dr. Beeper and myself. I mean, he's been club champion for three years running and I'm no slouch myself.

Ty Webb: Don't sell yourself short Judge, you're a tremendous slouch.

Carl Spackler: Your place got a pool?

Ty Webb: We have a pond in the back. We have a pool and a pond... Pond'd be good for you.

Ty Webb: I was born to love you / I was born to lick your face / I was born to rub you / but you were born to rub me first /... What do you say we take this out on the patio?

Ty Webb: Thank you very little.

Ty Webb: This your place, Carl?

Carl Spackler: Yeah, whatta ya think?

Ty Webb: It's really... awful.

Carl Spackler: Well, I got a lot of stuff on order. You know... credit trouble.

Lacey Underall: My uncle says you've got a screw loose.

Ty Webb: Your uncle molests collies.

Ty Webb: You're rather attractive for a beautiful girl with a great body.

Lacey Underall: I bet you've got a lot of nice ties.

Ty Webb: How do you mean?

Lacey Underall: Would you like to tie me up with some of your ties, Ty?

Ty Webb: What brings you to this nape of the woods, neck of the wape; How come you're here?

Ty Webb: I'm going to give you a little advice. There's a force in the universe that makes things happen. And all you have to do is get in touch with it, stop thinking, let things happen, and be the ball.

Ty Webb: You've got to win this hole.

Danny Noonan: I kinda thought winning wasn't important

Ty Webb: Me winning isn't. You do.

Danny Noonan: Great grammar.

[Ty has just been asked by Al to partner up against Judge Smails in a $20,000-per-person golf match]

Judge Smails: Can I have a word with you? ln private?

Ty Webb: Sure thing, Judge.

Judge Smails: Listen, your father and I prepped together, went to war together, played golf together. We built this club, he and I. And let's face it, some people simply do not *belong*. Let's not... cave in too easy. What do you say, Ty?

[Smails and Ty start to laugh]

Ty Webb: Let's make it $40,000.

Al Czervik: Hey, great!

Ty Webb: [to a glaring Smails] You know, Judge, my dad... never liked you.

Lacey Underall: You're crazy!

Ty Webb: That's what they said about Son of Sam.

Ty Webb: Sure thing. Shoot, Timmy.

Danny Noonan: Danny.

Ty Webb: Danny.

Danny Noonan: I haven't even told my father about the scholarship I didn't get. I'm gonna end up working in a lumberyard the rest of my life.

Ty Webb: What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumberyards.

Danny Noonan: I notice you don't spend too much time there.

Ty Webb: I'm not quite sure where they are.

Danny Noonan: I gotta go to college. I gotta.

Ty Webb: Oh, Danny, this isn't Russia. Is this Russia? This isn't Russia, is it? I didn't think so.

Ty Webb: Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.

Danny Noonan: It's hard when you're talking like that.

Judge Smails: Ty, what did you shoot today?

Ty Webb: Oh, Judge, I don't keep score.

Judge Smails: Then how do you measure yourself with other golfers?

Ty Webb: By height.

Dr. Beeper: I thought you'd be the man to beat this year.

Ty Webb: I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself.

Ty Webb: Guys, don't include me in this.

Al Czervik: Come on, Ty, you're an ace. Everybody knows it.

Ty Webb: I don't play golf, for money, against people.

Al Czervik: What are you, religious or something?

Ty Webb: You might say that.

Ty Webb: [to Al Czervik] Hey, don't put yourself down. You're not, uh... you're not... you're not good. You stink.

Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story? I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny?

Danny Noonan: No.

Ty Webb: Take one good guess.

Danny Noonan: Bob Hope?

Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

Ty Webb: Remember Danny - Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

Ty Webb: No one likes a tattletale, Danny... except of course, me.

Judge Smails: I demand satisfaction.

Al Czervik: [mocking] You demand satisfaction? Well I'll tell you what's satisfying: *cash*. I'll shoot you 18 holes for ten thousand bucks!

Judge Smails: [laughs] Wha... I could beat you with one arm!

Al Czervik: Well, how about teams then, for twenty thousand? You can have Dr. Frankenputz...

Dr. Beeper: [mortified] I beg your pardon!

Al Czervik: And I'll take Ty, here.

Ty Webb: Wait a minute guys... I don't play golf... for money... against people.

Lacey Underall: Who's you decorator? Benihana?

Ty Webb: No, I brought most of that stuff back with me from Vietnam.

Lacey Underall: You were in the war?

Ty Webb: [limping and patting his hip] No... homo. Much better now, though.

Ty Webb: I like you, Betty.

Danny Noonan: Danny, sir.

Ty Webb: Danny.

Ty Webb: Let me just clean this up here.

[lift up bow and arrow]

Ty Webb: Getting ready for the season.

Lacey Underall: Duck?

Ty Webb: No... dolphin.

Ty Webb: You know I'm always shooting myself with one of those poison-dipped, crossbow darts. I don't know why they don't put a warning on those things.

Ty Webb: We're talking mucho dinero, and probably some American money too.

Capt. Tom Everett: If I pull the arrow out, will you p-please s-suck out the poison?

Ty Webb: Let me get this straight. You pull it out, I suck. Is there any money in it for me?