Two-Face Quotes in The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)

The Joker: Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including... The Riddler... Scarecrow...

Scarecrow: Pizza delivery.

The Joker: Bane.

Bane: Hello!

The Joker: Two-Face.

Two-Face: We need that door open, baby.

The Joker: Catwoman.

Catwoman: Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.

The Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!

[Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself]

The Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!

[still holding the gun, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]

Two-Face: [showing Joker the good side] You live.

The Joker: Mm-hmm.

Two-Face: [showing the scarred side] You die.

The Joker: Mmm, now we're talking.

Batman: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act! We three!

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: It wasn't.

Two-Face: The Joker chose ME!

Batman: Because you were the best of us! He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: [bitter] And he was right.

Two-Face: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] You thought we could be decent men in an indecent time. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance.

[holds up his coin]

Two-Face: Unbiased. Unprejudiced. Fair.

Salvatore Maroni: [in the back seat of his car] Look, if I tell you, will you let me go?

Two-Face: Can't hurt your chances.

Salvatore Maroni: It was Ramirez.

[Two-Face pulls the coin out and cocks his gun]

Salvatore Maroni: [panicking] But you said...

Two-Face: I said it couldn't hurt your chances.

[flips coin; good side]

Two-Face: You're a lucky man.

[flips again; bad side]

Two-Face: He's not.

Salvatore Maroni: Who?

Two-Face: [buckles seat belt] Your driver.

[He shoots the driver in the back; the car goes flying off the road]

Two-Face: You thought we could be decent men, in an indecent time! But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and the only morality in a cruel world is chance. Unbiased, unprejudiced... fair. His son's got the same chance she had. Fifty-fifty.

Batman: What happened to Rachel wasn't chance. We decided to act. We three.

Two-Face: Then why was it me who was the only one who lost everything?

Batman: [grieved] It wasn't...

Harvey Dent: [in his hospital room] Remember that name you all had for me when I was at Internal Affairs? What was it, Gordon?

Lt. James Gordon: Harvey, I...

Harvey Dent: Say it.

Two-Face: Say it!

Lt. James Gordon: Two-Face. Harvey Two-Face.

[Dent turns his head, showing Gordon the mutilated side of his face]

Harvey Dent: Why should I hide who I am?

Batman: [in the back of a factory at 250 52nd Street] You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.

Two-Face: It's not about what I want, it's about what's fair!

Detective Wuertz: Listen, Dent, I swear to God I didn't know what they were gonna do to you.

Two-Face: That's funny...

[pulls out coin]

Two-Face: 'Cause I don't know what's gonna happen to you either.

Two-Face: The joker chose me!

Batman: Because you were the best of us. He wanted to prove that even someone as good as you could fall.

Two-Face: And he was right.

Batman: You're the one pointing the gun, Harvey. So point it at the people responsible.

Two-Face: Fair enough.

[to Batman]

Two-Face: You first.

[Flips the coin]

Two-Face: [Shoots Batman and points the gun at himself]

Two-Face: My turn.

Detective Wuertz: [in a bar] Dent. Jesus. I thought you was dead.

Two-Face: Half.

Two-Face: [threatening Jimmy with a gun] Tell your boy it's going to be all right, Gordon. Lie, like I lied.

Lt. James Gordon: It's going to be all right, son.

[Two-Face flips the coin; Batman tackles him and they fall; the coin lands good-side up]

Two-Face: [in the back seat of his car while pointing a gun at him] Going to join your wife? Do you love her?

Salvatore Maroni: Yes.

Two-Face: Did you ever wonder what it would be like to listen to her die?

Salvatore Maroni: Look, take it up with the Joker. He killed your woman. He made you - like this.

[gestures at Harvey's face]

Two-Face: The Joker's just a mad dog. I want whoever let him off the leash.

Two-Face: Did she believe you?

Det. Ramirez: Yes.

Two-Face: Of course she did. Because she trusts you. Just like Rachel did.

Det. Ramirez: I didn't know what they were...

Two-Face: You didn't know what they were gonna do? You're the second cop to say that to me. What, *exactly*, did you think they were going to do?

Det. Ramirez: They got me early on, my mother's hospital bills, and I...

Two-Face: Don't!

Det. Ramirez: [crying] I'm sorry...

[Harvey flips the coin]

Two-Face: Live to fight another day, officer.

[He knocks her unconscious with the butt of his gun]

Two-Face: [after seeing Gordon is actually alive] You do like to play things pretty close to the chest

Lt. James Gordon: [after capturing Joker] We got him Harvey

Two-Face: [while being transferred in an armored car while joker shoots at him] These things are built for that right?

Armored Car SWAT: He's going to need something a lot bigger to get through this

The Riddler: You're ruining my big party! Are you insane?

Two-Face: Just waiting for you to deliver the Batman, dear boy.

The Riddler: Patience, O Bifurcated One!

Two-Face: Patience is hell! We want him dead!

The Riddler: Well, you could have let me in on the caper. We could have organized this, planned it... pre-sold the movie rights.

Two-Face: Ha!

[Batman enters through the skylight, and begins to fight Two-Face's thugs]

The Riddler: Your entrance was good. His was better.

[Batman continues to fight thugs]

The Riddler: The difference: showmanship!

Two-Face: One man is born a hero, his brother a coward. Babies starve, politicians grow fat. Holy men are martyred, and junkies grow legion. Why? Why, why, why, why, why? Luck! Blind, stupid, simple, doo-dah, clueless luck!

[Two-Face cries on seeing a newspaper report of Batman's latest escape]

The Riddler: That's what I said. Then I taught my doggie a new trick: how to map the human mind. Would you like to see what our old friend Bruce Wayne has in his head?

[he plugs in the disk with Bruce Wayne's memory; on the screen they see the image of the giant bat. Two-Face starts laughing]

The Riddler: Riddle me this, what sort of a man has bats on the brain? Go ahead, you can say it.

Two-Face: You're a genius!

The Riddler: Oh, stop!

Two Face: [trying to sink Robin's boat] B12!

The Riddler: Hit! And my favorite vitamin might I add.

The Riddler: Hey Two-Face, show me how to punch a guy!

Two-Face: Oh, it's dead simple, my boy.

Two-Face: [demonstrates] Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert yourself.

[knocks guard out with one punch]

The Riddler: Ohhhh, that looks like fun! Let me try! Let me try! Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert your...

[hits guard with no effect and holds his hand in agony]

The Riddler: OW!

[Two-Face and the Riddler enter Wayne Manor]

The Riddler: Seize-and-capture...

Two-Face: [sighs, to his thugs] No killing.

[Riddler leans in]

The Riddler: That goes double for you.

The Riddler: [turns on the other Boxes for Sugar and Spice, then shows him his Box wand] This is how I found you. Let me demonstrate.

[puts the wand on Two-Face's head]

The Riddler: This is your brain on the Box.

[takes the wand off of Two-Face's head]

The Riddler: This is my brain on the Box.

[puts the wand on his own head]

The Riddler: Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?

Two-Face: We'll have a bit more, thank you.

The Riddler: Oh, there's more. But only the first one's free. Here's the bargain: you will help me steal production capital, so I can put a Box on every TV in town. So I can become Gotham's cleverest carbon-based life-form! And in return... is everybody paying attention? I will help you solve the greatest riddle of all... the mother of all riddles: "Who is Batman?"

Two-Face: What?

The Riddler: I hope you made extra.

Two-Face: Who the hell are you?

The Riddler: Just a friend. But you can call me... the Riddler.

Two-Face: [grabs Riddler by the collar] We'll call you dead, more likely! How did you find us here?

The Riddler: But then if I talked, what would keep you from killing me anyway, O Bifurcated One?

[looks at Two-Face's disfigurement]

The Riddler: By the way, that's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking.

Two-Face: Oh?

[puts pistol to Riddler's head]

Two-Face: Let's see if you bleed green!

The Riddler: Harvey! I don't think it's me you really want to kill. That'd be too easy for someone as sophisticated as you... and you. But Batman...

[gasps]

The Riddler: Now, there's a challenge! Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea!

[Two-Face feigns modesty]

The Riddler: Just think of it, a few bullets hit home, a quick splash of blood, and then what? Wet hands... post-homicidal depression.

[whimpers]

The Riddler: I can help you get Batman.

[looks at Two-Face's pistol]

The Riddler: That is if you'll spare my life for just a few moments.

Two-Face: [cocks his head in amusment and puts his gun away] Heh...

The Riddler: Thank you.

The Riddler: [while raiding a jewelry store and looking at a diamond through a hand-held microscope] Here's a good one.

Two-Face: No, no, no.

[shows the Riddler a bigger diamond]

Two-Face: Now, there is a good one.

Two-Face: [jams a gun into the annoying Riddler's cheek] Let's see if you bleed green.

[Two-Face decides a victim's fate with a coin toss]

Two-Face: Ah. Fortune smiles. Another day of wine and roses. Or, in your case, beer and pizza!

Two-Face: Why can't you just die?

Two-Face: You're counting on the winged avenger to deliver you from evil, aren't you, my friend?

Bank Guard: Are you gonna kill me?

Two-Face: Maybe, maybe not. You could say we're of two minds on the subject.

Two-Face: Don't worry, people, no need for alarm, it's just a good-old fashioned, low-tech stick up! We're interested in the basics: cash, jewelry, cellular telephones. Just hand them over nicely, and no one will be hurt.

Two Face: Let's start this party with a bang.

[the elevator beeps]

Two-Face: Very punctual, even to his own funeral! Boys, kill the Bat!

Two Face: Who the hell are you?

The Riddler: Just a friend, but you can call me, the Riddler!

Two-Face: For your dying pleasure, we are serving the very same acid that made us the men we are today.

The Riddler: By the way, I've seen your mind. Freak! Yours is the greatest riddle of all! Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants. Behind curtain... number one!

[Sugar pulls the rope, the curtain drops and reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room]

The Riddler: The absolutely fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian! She enjoys hiking, manicures and foolishly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life... HA!

Two-Face: [clapping his hands] Heh!

The Riddler: And behind curtain number two!

[Spice pulls the rope, another curtain drops and reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers]

The Riddler: Fatman's one and only partner! This acrobat turned orphan like Saturday morning cartoons and dreams one day being...

[whispers]

The Riddler: ... bare naked with a girl!

[Two-Face gasps and The Riddler turns to him, laughs]

The Riddler: and below these contestants... my personal favorite: A watery grave!

[He reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers and he points to his scepter]

The Riddler: Just one little touch... and five seconds later, these two date players are GULL FEED on the rocks below... Not enough time to save them both... Which one will it be, Batman? Bruce's love... or the Dark Knight's junior partner?

[He imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought]

Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself... This is all one giant death trap.

The Riddler: Judges?

[makes a buzzer noise]

The Riddler: I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But, thank you for playing.

[He begins to push the button on his scepter]

Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you.

The Riddler: For me?... Really?

[laughing]

The Riddler: Tell me.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please... You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

Two-Face: You have broken into our hideout. You have violated the sanctity of our lair. For this we should crush your bones into POWDER. However, you do pose a very interesting proposition: therefore, heads, we accept, and tails, we blow your damned head off!

Two-Face: The bat's stubborn refusal to expire... is driving us INSANE!

Two-Face: [before falling to his death] Yes,of course you're right, Bruce. Emotions are always the enemy of true justice... thank you... you've always been a good friend."