Tulio Quotes in Death Wish 3 (1985)

Tulio: They killed the Giggler, man!

Fraker: They had no business doing that. None.

Blu: [as Tulio is making strange bird like noises in front of him] Linda! Little help here! Linda?

Linda: Wow! You're actually communicating!

Tulio: Yes! Yes! I introduced myself and shook my tail feathers counter clockwise, thus referring to his dominance.

Blu: [to himself] I did not get that at all.

Tulio: I'm not really built for this weather.

Linda: Oh, are you looking for some books?

Tulio: Books? No! No! I have come six thousand miles, looking for him.

[pointing to Blu]

Linda: Um. Look, I know you're doing your job, but I can't... well, Blu is very particular. And we have our little routine here. And we're not big on travel. Heck, he doesn't even fly!

Tulio: But of course he can fly.

[takes Blu and inspects him]

Tulio: He's a perfect specimen.

Linda: Uh... what you are doing?

Tulio: Don't worry, their natural instincts always tell them to fly.

[he lets Blu go so that he will fly]

Linda: Wait! Wait! Wait! No! No!

[Blu crashes on to the ground]

Tulio: Well, almost always.

Linda: Blu!

Linda: [to Blu after picking him up from his fall] Are you okay?

Tulio: Perhaps he's too domesticated.

Linda: It was very nice of you to stop in and squawk around and throw my bird. But now it's time for you to go.

Tulio: Well... I... I'm very sorry. I'm... I'm very sorry. But... wait... wait! Linda! Linda!

[Linda walks him out of her shop]

Tulio: This could be our last chance.

Linda: Have a safe flight.

[she shuts her shop door in his face and walks away]

Tulio: Linda, please listen to me! If we don't do this, his whole species will be gone!

[he throws his business card through her shop door post flap]

Tulio: Just think about it.

Tulio: You know your macaw is a very special bird. In fact, as far as we know, Blu is the last male of his kind.

Linda: Really?

Tulio: Yes. And recently we've found a female and our hope is to bring the two of the them together to save their species.

Linda: Oh! Well, yeah! Sure! When can she come over?

Tulio: Oh, no, no! She's in Brazil. Blu must come to Rio de Janeiro.

Linda: [laughing] Rio. Brazil. Oh, no! No. No. No. No. No. No! I never let Blu out of my sight. He needs me.

Tulio: Oh, no! You... you misunderstand. It's all arranged. You will be with him every step of the way. And I will be with you.

Linda: [in the bird sanctuary] So, where's Jewel?

Tulio: Oh, we have a special place for Jewel. She's a very spirited bird.

Aviary Intern: Aahh! I'll say.

[he turns and his face is covered in scratches and bruises]

Blu: She did that? Ah, charming! Okay, I wanna go home now!

Tulio: [as he hears Blu squawk with fear] No, no! Don't worry. I'm gonna make you look irresistible.

Linda: [Linda watches on the monitor as Blu and Jewel struggle, thinking they're mating] Wow! That was fast.

Tulio: Lionel Richie. Works every time. We should probably give them some privacy.

Tulio: Nice of you to join me for dinner. I often eat alone. Oh, uh... because, of course I work.

Linda: [laughing] I thought I was the bird nerd until I met you.

Tulio: Yes. Right. Do you have a favorite bird?

Linda: Well, obviously I'm a blue macaw kinda gal.

Tulio: [laughing] That makes sense. They are very handsome birds.

Linda: Actually, it's the brains I'm more attracted to. I'm not so impressed by fancy feathers.

Tulio: I know exactly what you mean. My favorite bird is a spotted owl. I've always been mesmerized by those big, round, intelligent eyes.

[he looks at Linda's eyes which are big, round, and intelligent-looking]

Linda: [crying after finding out Blu has been taken] This is all my fault!

Tulio: No, Linda! Linda! Please! This is not your fault.

Linda: You're right. It's not my fault. It's your fault!

Tulio: What?

Linda: With your little bird talk! And that whole 'last of his species'! Well, you know what? Squawk, squawkety, squawk, squawk! Haah!

[realizing what she's done]

Linda: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to curse!

Tulio: I... I don't understand. Sylvio is the best guard in the business!

Tulio: [dressed in a macaw costume; looks in a mirror and makes bird noises] Cyanopsitta Spixii!

Chel: Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back?

[produces dice in her hand]

Tulio: [pats pockets, shocked] Hey... how'd you get those?

Miguel: [raising eyebrows] WHERE was she KEEPING them?

Miguel: You fight like my sister!

Tulio: I've fought your sister. That's a compliment.

Miguel: Look! El Dorado! The city of gold! This could be our destiny! Our fate!

Tulio: Miguel, if I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice.

[Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo]

Miguel: Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?

Tulio: The horse is a surprise...

Miguel: Any... regrets?

Tulio: You mean besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.

Miguel: My regret, besides dying is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.

Tulio: Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure.

Miguel: And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you made my life... rich.

[Tzekel-Kan is about to perform a human sacrifice]

Tulio: [in an undertone to Miguel] I don't like this.

Miguel: Tulio, we've got to do something!

[Tzekel-Kan raises his axe]

Tulio: Stop! This is not a proper tribute!

[Miguel catches the intended victim and drags him away from the cliff edge]

Tzekel-Kan: [confused] You do not want the tribute?

Miguel: No no, we want tribute, it's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.

Tulio: The stars are not in position for this tribute!

Miguel: Like he said! Stars!... Can't do it... Not today.

Miguel: Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. It's a long piece of metal with a hooky thing at the end.

Tulio: Miguel, you're talking to a horse!

Miguel: Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!

Tulio: Yes, "find the pry bar". He doesn't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he could understand...

[Altivo drops keys into the brig]

Tulio: Well... it's *not* a pry bar.

Tulio: The little voice, remember? Just imagine for a moment that you have one. Now, what would it be saying about Chel?

Miguel: Um...

[purrs]

Chel: [Frantic] Oh! Oh, no, no, no. The High Priest! What is he gonna think when he sees one of the Gods like this with me?

Tulio: [Dazed] Uhh... Lucky god?

Miguel: I am Miguel.

Tulio: And I am Tulio.

[They dismount, Miguel's foot gets tangled in the reins]

Miguel: And they call us Miguel and Tulio!

Miguel: Tulio! Tulio, we've done it!

Tulio: Is that the map?

Miguel: It's all right here!

Tulio: You *still* have the *map*?

Miguel: The whistling rock! The stream!

Tulio: You kept the map but you couldn't manage to grab a little more FOOD?

Miguel: Even those mountains! You said it yourself, it could be possible, and it is! It really *is* the map to El Dorado!

[pause]

Tulio: You drank sea water, didn't you?

Miguel: We'll follow that trail!

Tulio: What trail?

Miguel: [chopping at vines with sword] The trail that we blaze!

[the vines fall down revealing a solid wall of rock; long pause]

Miguel: [pointing] THAT trail that we blaze...

Tulio: Any last words?

Miguel: I will cut you to ribbons!

Tulio: Fool! Such mediocrity! Let your *sword* do the talking!

Miguel: I will, it will be loquacious to a fault!

Tulio: Miguel and Tulio!

Miguel: Tulio and Miguel!

[Together]

Miguel: Mighty and powerful Gods!

Chel: Hello.

[both squeal]

Tulio: What's happening here?

Miguel: We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.

Tzekel-Kan: I know what you are, and I know what you are not. And you are *not* Gods!

Tulio: You're not a God? You lied to me? How dare you!

Miguel: [to Tzekel-Kan] Hey, it was *his* stupid plan!

Tulio: *My* plan was that we should *lie low*! But *your* plan was to run off! And be all, "Oh, look at me, look at me, I'm a God!"

Miguel: That's not true!

Tulio: No? Who are you kidding? You're buying your own con!

Miguel: At least I'm not *dating* mine!

Tulio: I...! Oo, low blow. Listen, mister high-and-mighty, we'd both be sailing out of here with a mountain of gold if you had *just listened* to me!

Miguel: Well, now you have all the precious gold *and* Chel! So what do you need *me* for?

[pushes Tulio]

Tulio: [pushing back] Well, maybe I *don't* need you anymore!

Miguel: Fine! So why don't you just *go* back to Spain, and I'll stay here, and we'll *both* get what *we* want!

Tulio: That's fine with me, pal!

Miguel: *Fine* with me too!

Tulio: Fine!

Tulio, Miguel: All RIGHT!

[they both punch Tzekel-kan]

Tulio: [sighs] Well, it was nice working with you, partner.

Miguel: Tulio, I just want you to know... I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.

Tulio: Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!

Tulio: Miguel wake up. We found it!

Miguel: We did? Where?

Tulio: Here.

Miguel: What, behind the rock?

Tulio: Nope, here.

Miguel: But, but... *give* me that!

[snatches the map from Tulio's hands]

Miguel: I... this... can't be...

Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK!

[echo: Rock... rock... rock... ]

Tulio: But I'll tell you what: I'm feeling generous today, so *you* can have *my* share!

Miguel: You don't think that... that Cortes could've gotten here before us and... and...

Tulio: And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The SCOUNDREL!

Miguel: Tulio! We... we've got to think about this, I... I mean we come all this way and...

Tulio: Get... on... the horse!

[Miguel sighs and makes a pitiful face]

Tulio: No, no, no, not with the face. Stop.

Chel: Hello...

Tulio: Get back mortal!

Miguel: Beware the wrath of the Gods! Be Gone! Kkh kkh!

Tulio: Back mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!

Chel: [calmly] Save it for the High Priest, honey, you're gonna need it.

Miguel: You don't think... Cortes could have got here before us and...

Tulio: And what? Taken all the *really* big rocks? The scoundrel!

Tulio: I'm not sure I can trust you.

Chel: I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?

Tulio: Come on, baby! Papa needs that crappy map!

Tulio: Do you mind?

Chel: No.

[Tulio is banging his head against the wall in the brig]

Miguel: So how's the, uh... how's the escape plan coming?

[Tulio stops banging his head]

Tulio: Wait! I'm getting something!

[pauses, then goes back to banging his head on the wall]

Tulio: [In a rowboat, about to be run over] Holy Ship!

[after seeing a skeleton on the beach]

Tulio: All in favor of getting back in the boat, say aye.

Miguel: Aye!

Tulio: We are working a con, walking the razor's edge. On one side, gold. On the other side...

[gestures at mural of human sacrifice]

Tulio: ... painful, agonizing failure!

Tulio: Look, change of plans. We have to grab what we can and go.

Miguel: What? Why?

Tulio: Because the High Priest is NUTS!

Tulio: I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death.

[Grabs tiny dagger, looks at it]

Tulio: But not with that.

Tulio: Miguel, he's a ruthless war-horse, not a poodle!

Miguel: Tulio, you worry too much.

Tulio: No, I worry exactly the right amount. You can never worry too much!

Tulio: Wait a minute, new plan: we find the city of gold, we *take* the gold, and THEN we row back to Spain!

Miguel: And buy Spain!

Chel: Go ahead, I'll cover for you.

Miguel: Oh, good! Thanks.

[Tries to step outside without Tulio noticing]

Miguel: So, what happened to Altivo?

Chel: I don't know.

[Miguel takes off. Tulio walks past Chel singing]

Tulio: ...Hey. What happened to Miguel?

Chel: I don't know.

Tulio: Oh my God! He's gone! Miguel's gone, he's loose! What am I gonna do!

[throws himself on the couch]

Tulio: Ah, oh-ho no, no!

[sobs]

Tzekel-Kan: [Chel and Tulio are giggling] My Lord? Hello?

Tulio: Whoa!

Chel: Oh no no the high priest what is he going to think when he sees a god with me?

Tulio: Uh, Lucky god?

Chel: Go go go

[she grabs him and starts smacking his face and then she pushes him up]

Tulio: Your horse bit me in the butt!

[the natives are throwing the gold over the cliff]

Tulio: Uh, Chel... what are they doing?

Chel: [exasperated] They're sending it to Xibalba! The spirit world!

Tulio: Spirit... world...

Chel: I'll take care of it.

[sidling up to the Chief]

Chel: Uh, Chief? The gods have changed their minds about Xibalba. They wish to bask in the glory that has been shown them.

Chief: STOP!

[the natives stop; a gold plate rolls toward the cliff and Tulio stops it with his foot]

Chief: They wish to bask! Take the tribute to the gods' temple!

[Tulio, Miguel and Altivo have finally, after much effort, all gotten into the rowboat and avoided getting run over by any of the ships]

Tulio: Did any of the supplies make it?

Miguel: Um, well, yes and no.

[Tulio looks: Altivo is eating the few supplies that did make it]

Tulio: Oh, great!

Miguel: Hey, Tulio, look on the positive side: at least things can't get...

[a thunder clap. It starts pouring rain]

Tulio: Excuse me, were you about to say "worse"?

Miguel: No.

Tulio: No? You're sure?

Miguel: Definitely not, I'm going to revise that whole thing.

Tulio: Yeah. We are at least in a rowboat.

Miguel: We are in a rowboat.

[the boat drifts away to reveal the sharks following it]

Tulio: Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... GREAT... BIG... ROCK!

[echo]

Tulio: What is the object of this game *pray tell*?

Chel: You gotta knock the ball through the hoop.

Miguel: What hoop?

Chel: *That* hoop.

Miguel: Oh, come on!

Tulio: I'm not coming on!