Tucker Quotes in Dawn of the Dead (2004)

CJ: Excuse me, not to shit on anyone's riff here, but let me see if I grasp this concept, okay? You're suggesting that we take some fucking parking shuttles and reinforce them with some aluminum siding, and then just head on over to the gun store where we watch our good friend Andy play some cowboy-movie, jump-on-the-covered-wagon bullshit? Then we're going to drive across the ruined city through a welcome committee of a few hundred thousand dead cannibals. All so we can sail off into the sunset on this fucking asshole's boat?

[Points to Steve]

CJ: Head for some island that for all we know doesn't even exist?

Kenneth: Yeah.

Tucker: Pretty much, yeah.

Ana: [nods her head]

Michael: Yeah.

Steve: [gives a sarcastically enthusiastic "thumb up"]

CJ: Okay. I'm in.

Steve: [playing "Hollywood Squares" with Andy] Oh, oh. Rosie O'Donnell. Tell him to get Rosie.

Kenneth: Oh, yeah. Rosie.

Tucker: No, too easy. Give him something hard.

Ana: You guys had really rough childhoods, didn't you? Little bit rocky?

Steve: Hey, sweetheart. Let me tell you something. You, uh, you have my permission. I ever turn into one of those things? Do me a favor, blow my fucking head off.

Ana: [nods] Oh, yeah, you can count on that.

Michael: I know which job I was the worst at. Being a husband.

Monica: That's not a job.

Tucker: It sure is.

Monica: You guys just haven't met the right girl.

Tucker: [counting ammo] We have 12 of these shotgun shells, 26 of these pussy nine mils, and 16 of those .357 Magnums.

Ana: Well, Michael, what are you waiting for? Go ahead, kill him. Hey, kill Tucker, too!

Tucker: Wait a minute. I was never bit!

Ana: We can't be sure. Do it, Michael!

Tucker: I got 3 rules: One, shit happens; two, shit happens on a regular basis; and three, you better get used to rule one and two.

Tucker: David Harris? I'm John Tucker, Civilian Operated Police. You have committed a crime and are presumed guilty. You have a right to die. If you choose to relinquish that right, you will be placed under arrest and imprisoned. I haven't got all night.

Amison, Gang Leader: Tucker! Tucker! How's Coley?

Tucker: He's still alive, but his guts look mighty sick!

Ben Wade: So, boys - where we headed?

Byron McElroy: Taking you to the 3:10 to Yuma day after tomorrow.

Tucker: Shouldn't have told him that.

Ben Wade: Relax, friend. Now if we get separated, I'll know where to meet up.

Franny: What are you?

Stripes: I don't know.

Tucker: We can rule out "genius".

Tucker: Goose, who's a pelican who's really a stool pigeon who's a chicken who ducks. That's five birds, count 'em.

Dr. Sevard: You don't know what the drugs are. He's got HIV...

Tucker: [surprised] Woodruff?

Ron Woodroof: AIDS... I got AIDS. Won't you come in, join the party.

Mary: [about Pat] I know he's a little different, but that's what I like about him. He dresses like a complete dork, he chews with his mouth open, he hardly ever says the right thing, and probably farts, too.

Tucker: Oh, that's what you're looking for, is it? A farter?

Mary: No, I'm looking for a guy.

Tucker: [Unsure of what to say to the sheriff] Oh hidy ho officer, we've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.

Tucker: All right... I know what this is.

Dale: What?

Tucker: This is a suicide pact.

Dale: It's a what?

Tucker: These kids are coming out here, and killing themselves all over the woods.

Dale: My God, that makes so much sense.

Dale: [the sheriff is stumbling around with a nail board through his skull] How is he even walking right now, Tuck?

Tucker: He looks like he's gonna walk it off, he's gonna be fine!

Tucker: He's heavy for half a guy.

Allison: Wait, wait! Everyone just stop for a second and let's talk this out, okay? Nobody wants to hurt anyone.

Tucker: [as he favors the hand with the fingers that Chad cut off] You could've fooled me!

Chad: Fuck off, hillbilly!

Tucker: Eat shit, body perm!

Allison: Wait! Wait! How 'bout I make some tea and we all sit and talk this out.

Tucker: S-s-sounds like a good idea. I'll provide the finger sandwiches!

Tucker: Holy shit. We have go to hide all of the sharp objects!

Tucker: When you see a college girl prancin' around in front of you half naked, you do not call out my name!

Tucker: [hands him a nail gun] Cover me.

Dale: I ain't never shot at nobody before.

Tucker: If it helps, think of 'em like moving two-by-fours.

Sheriff: [Talking to Tucker and Dale, after he's pulled them over] Where are you two headed?

Tucker: We're headed to our vacation home up by Morris Lake. I sank every penny I had into it... me and Dale here, we're gonna' go fix her up, then do a little fishin'. He's been strikin' out by the ladies, I figure a little *man* time might do him some good.

Sheriff: [Gives them a hard look] There ain't nothin' up there but pain and suffering on a scale you can't even imagine.

Chad: [Comes up to Tucker, who is hanging upside down] I've never stood so close to pure evil before.

Chad: [Sniffs close to Tucker's face] It kinda' stinks.

Tucker: It said it was 24-hour protection!

Tucker: What am I supposed to say, Dale? "Oh hidy ho officer! We've had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house when kids started killing themselves all over my property."

Dale: Yeah, yeah, just like that.

Tucker: They're never gonna believe that.

Dale: But that's exactly what happened!

Dale: [when going for the last beer] That's okay Tuck. You take that. It's yours.

Tucker: See that's why you're never gonna get ahead in life. It's cause you don't stick up for yourself.

Dale: [Dale reaching for last beer, Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"

Tucker: Do not even think about it.

Dale: But you just said...

Tucker: Are you kidding me?

Dale: [Tucker smacks Dale's hand] "OW!"

Tucker: Are you serious?

[snaps open beer top]

Tucker: What'd I just say?

Dale: You said I gotta stick up for myself.

Tucker: I said "don't even think about it, though" That was the last thing I said.

Dale: That's a PBR Buddy.

Tucker: That, that's a thing of beauty.

Tucker: [Dale is attracted to one of the college co-eds at the gas station, but hesitates to try to go talk to her] She's just human. Why don't you go over and talk to her?

Dale: Talk to her? What... What in the world would I say?

Tucker: I don't know... Tell her that you got a vacation home. That'll probably impress her.

Dale: Are you out of your mind, Tucker? They're college girls, and they grew up with vacation homes and guys like me fixing their toilets!

Tucker: You've gotta' have some faith in yourself, man. Girls can *smell* fear. Now, come on! You are a good lookin' man... more or less. You got a damned good heart. I mean, that's two things right there. Now go on, get over there! What... what's the worst that could happen?

Tucker: [whiping blood out of his eyes] Are you okay?

Tucker: This vacation sucks.

Tucker: You know something, Dale? She's just human. Why don't you go over there and talk to her?

Dale: Talk to her? What? What in the world would I say?

Tucker: I don't know. Tell her that you got a vacation home, that'd probably impress her.

Dale: Are you out of your mind, Tucker? These are college girls. Okay? They grew up in vacation homes and guys like me fixing their toilets.

Tucker: You gotta have faith in yourself, man. Girls can smell fear. Now, come on. You are a good looking man. More or less, you got a damn good heart. I mean, that's two things right there.

Dale: How you feelin'?

Tucker: I am feeling high on prescription medication.

Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.

Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.

Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?

Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.

Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.

Princess Dala: All right.

George Lytton: I feel like dancing.

[to Princess Dala]

George Lytton: Your Highness?

Princess Dala: I'd love to.

Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?

Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?

Sir Charles Lytton: What?

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.

Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...

[scalds his hand]

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!

[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]

Tucker: That's my beer, old man.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.

Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?

Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.

Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?

Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.

Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.

Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.

George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.

Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.

Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.

Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?

Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?

Princess Dala: I suppose I do.

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.

Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...

Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.

Tucker: Do you wanna be right or wanna be happy? Sometimes the end is just the beginning!

Tucker: What about the sheep?

Angus Oldfield: Fuck the sheep!

Tucker: No time for that bro. Go go go!

Tucker: If it wasn't for my gumboot!

Tucker: I always show respect, sir. That's what I'm paid for.

[blows raspberries]

Sir Charles: There are certain matters to do with the estate that need clearing up. Nothing important. Just need your signature. Gives me power to handle odd things.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: Of course, Uncle.

Sir Charles: There's no need to read it. Just take my word.

Jack Arnold Alexander Tancred Gurney, 14th Earl of Gurney: I take your word. I put on my glasses because I feel cold. Where do I sign?

Sir Charles: Just there. Excellent, excellent. Easily done, eh?

[reading the signature]

Sir Charles: "I, the undersigned, Mycroft Holmes?" Who's Mycroft Holmes?

Tucker: Brother of Sherlock Holmes, you illiterate oaf.

Tucker: How's momma?

Gilbert: She's fat.

Tucker: Come on, man. She's not all that big, Gilbert.

Gilbert: What?

Tucker: Listen, I saw a guy at the state fair who was... a little bit bigger.

Gilbert: A little bit bigger?

Tucker: Look, all I'm sayin' is that she's not the biggest I ever seen, okay?

Gilbert: Tucker, she's a whale!

Tucker: Well, take her out for a walk once in a while.

Gilbert: Take her out for a jog!

Arnie: She's a whale! Tucker, she's a whale!

Tucker: Congratulations, Reznik. You just made my shitlist!

Tucker: A picture's worth a thousand words.

Specs: Words are worth a thousand words, too.

Specs: You must be Josh.

Josh Lambert: Yeah. Hi.

Specs: That wasn't psychic. Elise already told me your name so...

Renai Lambert: Where is Elise?

Specs: She sent us ahead to do some preliminary tests.

Tucker: [eating a hot pocket] Helps weed out the nut jobs.

Tucker: Bring it!

[about French]

Eileen: It's the language of love.

Tucker: I didn't know the language of love had words, ma'am.

Eileen: Oh my, yes. I could teach you.

Eileen: Do I look like a criminal type?

Tucker: No ma'am, you don't.

Tucker: When you wake up, you'll feel exactly the same.

Tucker: Don't fight, Carol. There's no need for it. All you have to do is nothing. That's all we're asking. It doesn't hurt. Watch. It's just like catching a cold.

Tucker: I don't understand your resistance, Carol. You get people pills to make their lives better. How is that so different from what we're doing?

Tucker: I made some hot chocolate, Oliver. Would you like some hot chocolate?

Tucker: Time has five fingers, one is the past, two is the present, and three is the future.

Ofelia: And four is what could have been and five for what yet could be.

Drew: I don't do dairy.

Tucker: Do what to dairy?

Drew: Is this meatloaf? I don't eat meat.

Tucker: Why not, are you a Buddhist?

Isaac: We don't have much time.

Tucker: What do you mean?

Isaac: Think of nonlinear time as a pie. We can eat the pieces in any order, but you can't eat the same slice twice. And baby, I've eaten a lot of pie.

Tucker: What is this?

Drew: Soy milk.

Tucker: This is disgusting.

Drew: You get used to it.

Drew: I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Tucker: Haven't had a decent meal in fifty years.

[last lines]

Drew: I still don't like the ending.

Tucker: Then change it.