Trucker Quotes in Kill Bill: Vol. 1 (2003)
[looking at the Bride in her coma]
Buck: Price is $75 a fuck, my friend. You getting your freak on, or what?
Trucker: Oh yeah, boy.
[gives Buck the money]
Buck: Now here are the rules. Rule Number One: no punching her. The nurse comes in tomorrow and she got a shiner or less some teeth, jig's up. So, no knuckle sandwiches under no circumstances. And by the way, this little cunt's a spitter. It's a motor-reflex thing. But spit or not, no punching. Now, are we absolutely, positively clear on Rule Number One?
Buck: Good. Now, Rule Number Two: no monkey bites, and no hickeys. In fact, no leaving no marks of any kind on her. After that, it's all good, buddy. Now, her plumbing down there don't work no more, so feel free to come in her all you want. Keep the noise down, try not to make a mess. I'll be back in twenty.
[Buck starts to leave, but snaps his fingers and turns back]
Buck: Oh, shit! By the way, not every time but sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand. If she's dry, just lube up with this,
[tosses him a jar labeled "VasaLube"]
Buck: and you'll be good to go. Bon Appetite, good buddy.
Cooper: You don't have to like me but I'm your best chance at surviving... What the heck is that?
Daniella Riva: Philippe must have put baking powder in the car.
Cooper: How much baking powder?
Daniella Riva: I don't know, maybe like 42 kilos.
Trucker: Hey, are y'all okay? I took that turn way too fast. What the heck is this white stuff?
Cooper, Daniella Riva: Baking powder.
Cooper: We're bakers, muffins, toast, cakes.
Trucker: I should call the police.
Cooper: No, I am the mother f'in police. Don't you see? There's no major damage here. You're free to go.
Trucker: But I destroyed your car.
[Bristol is nearly hit by a truck]
Trucker: You fucking nuts?
[shoots the trucker]
Bristol: I'm fine. Thanks for your concern.
Trucker: [Seeing the cab outside]
Trucker: Hey, did anyone order a cab?
Lawson: I'm looking for a women
Trucker: Aren't we all?
Lawson: [poking the trucker] LOOK MAN, I'M TIRED, I'M PISSED, I'M READY TO KILL
Debbie Griswold: Hey, you know, you never told us why you keep that teddy bear on the front of your truck.
Trucker: Oh, it makes the kids feel more comfortable.
Rusty Griswold: Oh yeah? You have kids?
Trucker: Don't tell me they sent a girl to do a man's job - I *specifically* requested a male! Unless you're some sort of team, is that how this works?
Dodge: Okay, you know what, I don't think I am who you think I am.
Trucker: [long pause, Trucker laughs uproariously] Well, that 's a relief! Because, I was afraid I could fight you off.
[Dodge chuckles uneasily]
Trucker: You know, Dodge, when a man-
[bullet blasts through truck windshield into Trucker's neck]
Trucker: If you ask me, a man's not supposed to know when he's going to die, it's not natural. That's when you find yourself renting the gun and buying the bullet. But that ain't no way into heaven... idn't that right, Dodge?
Dodge: [distracted] Hm?
[shakes head "No"]
Dodge: No, I guess not.
Pee-wee: Large Marge sent me.
Trucker: Did you say Large Marge?
Pee-wee: She just dropped me off.
Trucker: That's impossible. Large Marge? She's...
Man in Diner: It was ten years ago on a night just like tonight. Why, tonight's the anniversary. Worst accident I ever seen.
Pee-wee: But that means the Large Marge I was riding with was...
All: Her ghost!
Jimmy Flynt: [Referring to Althea, while eating breakfast] So after one night she's moving in with you?
Larry Flynt: She had it rough, grew up in an orphanage.
Trucker: [interrupting their conversation] Hey buddy, are the guy with the sex paper?
Larry Flynt: I might be.
Trucker: I love the pictures how do I subscribe?
Larry Flynt: Where'd you come up on the newsletter?
Trucker: I found it in the bathroom of a gas station, it came in pretty handy.
Larry Flynt: I'm glad we can help you out but it's not for subscription.
Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.
Trucker: Sounds like some family misses someone they love very much.
Jan Brady: I don't have a family!
Trucker: Oh, no family. You know, sometimes I'm out here working the graveyard shift, and, I can't help thinking what might have been. If I had settled down early and had kids. Three boys, three girls. Ah, but then a little voice in my head says "are you kidding? They'd probably just treat you like a maid."
[Offering a cup to her]
Trucker: You want some of this, Jan?
Jan Brady: No thanks. You have a little voice in your head, too?
Trucker: Oh, honey, when you're on the road as long as I am, you've gotta talk to somebody.
Trucker: I hope you appreciate the magnitude of your impending good fortune.
Priestly: [Walks past Piper and jen, backtracks. To Piper] Who are you?
Priestly: Piper. What are you doing here, Piper?
Piper: I work here.
Priestly: Why wasn't I notified? I wasn't notified!
Trucker: Hey, Priestly. We hired someone.
Priestly: Thank you! I swear, we need like a bulletin board or a staff email or something!
Jen: You know, Priestly. Piper thinks Elvis is dead.
Priestly: [to Trucker] Really? Now, you're hiring people who failed the interview?
Trucker: I swore that I would never hurt another human being as long as I lived.
Tish: Sorry I made you break you promise.
Trucker: Oh no. I said I would never hurt another *human*.
Trucker: We ask you here today in this most sacred and beautiful of places to witness our dedication to each other.
Zo: We start our new lives as we started the last. Naked and needy. Dependent on those we love to care for us.
Priestly: Hell yeah!
Priestly: Rock on, man.
Piper: [Comes in and starts doodling on the menu board unannounced. To Trucker] I'm not normal.
Trucker: I need a job.
Piper: [after a short stare-down] It's yours.
Priestly: Hey, Zo? Are you a vegetarian because you love animals, or because you hate plants?
Zo: Oh, I do love you Priestly.
Trucker: Hey, I'm uh, babysitting him by myself all weekend. Love it if you took a shift.
Tish: [Priestly walks in dressed in a button-down and khakis. His hair is brushed out and a normal color. His piercings are gone] Holy shit.
Priestly: Miss Matheson, it would be my pleasure if you would agree to accompany me to dinner tonight.
Priestly: On what?
Tish: I wanna know your first name.
Priestly: Come on, give me a break! I'm- I went to Banana Republic, for Christ sake!
[Tish looks away]
Priestly: Damn it.
Tish: Can't hear you.
Priestly: Boaz, all right? My-my first name is Boaz.
Priestly: Shut up.
Tish: Can I tell you something, Boaz?
Tish: This is something I've never told anyone else.
Priestly: Yeah, of course.
Tish: Tish... Is short for Platicia.
Tish: [Nodding] Platicia.
Trucker: ['Interviewing' Piper] Okay, uh. Let me think... Elvis, dead or alive?
Tish: Andy Kaufman?
Trucker: Jerry Garcia?
Piper: Grateful, and dead.
Tish: Mariah Carey?
Piper: Are we talking about her acting career?
Tish: [Chuckles] No.
Piper: Okay, then alive.
Lucille: Why'd you come to Santa Cruz?
Piper: I have family here.
Mr. Julius: Are you a virgin?
Trucker: Mr. Julius!
Mr. Julius: Sorry, sorry.
Piper: No... But I used to be.
Tish: You're not a witch, by any chance?
Piper: Is that a job requirement?
Tish: Trucker's blazin' for the woman who owns the crystal store across the street. He thinks she's Wiccan.
Jen: Yeah, they're soul mates, except she's not exactly aware of it yet.
Trucker: Okay, everybody! Time to vote!
[Everyone puts their hands up, including the customers]
Tish: [Another victim leaves the sbop. She turns around and everyone's staring at her] Oh, don't even start with me. If men are that easy to out-finesse, they deserve what they get.
Priestly: Hey, I'm easy. Don't I deserve it?
Trucker: Well, Priestly, see, your problem is you always go after the hot chicks. You know. you gotta raise your expectations, man.
Tish: Excuse me?
Trucker: Well, really good-looking women, they're high maintenance. And without exception, completely worthless between the sheets.
Trucker: God's truth.
Mr. Julius: Certainly been my experience.
Tish: Oh, you guys are pathetic.
Trucker: All right, take Tish for example, all right? Men are so pumped to be with a body like hers, that all she's gotta do is just lay back and enjoy the ride, you see? That way, she's never gonna develop any skills in bed.
Mr. Julius: I second that!
Tish: Hey, I work hard!
Trucker: Hey, don't get me wrong; attractive women are great to look at, just don't go home with the prom queen. Give her the crown, she'll never go down.
Tish: I *was* the prom queen.
Trucker: Well, I rest my case.
Tish: All right, that's it. You and me, in the office.
[Puts her hair up]
Tish: I'll show you how I earned my crown!
[Walks toward the office]
[Tish turns around, an understanding scowl on her face]
Trucker: They are so easy to out-finesse! They deserve what they get!
Tish: [Whips a towel at Trucker] Dicks!
Tish: [about Jen's meeting fuzzzy] Well, I'm coming with.
Piper: Me, too.
Jen: You guys are the best!
Priestly: Yep, count me in!
Tish, Piper, Jen: Forget it.
Trucker: Can we get to work now?
Priestly: I'll, I'll drive.
Priestly: I'll buy the beer.
[Jen laughs at him]
Priestly: I never get to do anything fun.
Trucker: What did I miss at our staff meeting?
Jen: Well, Tish is in love. Or lust, depending on who you're talking to...
Trucker: Really? Proud of you, angel.
Jen: Piper is digging herself deeper and deeper into the the pit of deceit with the Millers...
Trucker: Good. Nice to see that our company tradition for making the worst possible decision in any situation has been passed on to the next generation of employee.
Jen: Priestly has gotten in touch with his feminine side...
Priestly: [Offscreen] I love my kilt!
Jen: And I have reached a decision on meeting fuzzy.
Jen: [about Fuzzy] It's a no-brainer. We *have* to meet.
Priestly: Right on!
Piper: And what if he is a woman?
Jen: We'll find a way to make it work.
Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I watch?
Tish: What is he's 14?
Priestly: Ooh, if that happens, can I, uh
[Holds a glass to his eye]
Jen: He's driving himself to the meeting point, so he's gotta be at least 16, right? And that's not *that* much younger.
Trucker: Convicted felon?
Jen: Well, he's out noe, so it couldn't have been that bad.
Mr. Julius: Paralyzed?
Jen: If *he* can deal with that, I sure can.
Lucille: Ugly as a rhino's ass?
Jen: Looks are really the least of my worries. I mean, he's a great guy.
Priestly: Well, what if he's got, like, crazy-ass hair and-and, and more artificial holes in his head than real ones?
Jen: Well, I could never be that lucky.
Zo: Trucker, my high school fantasy was that we were in love. That when we looked in each other's eyes, time would stand still, and our hearts would forever beat as one.
Trucker: Sorry it took so long.
Tish: Hey, Truck, you'll know. What's Priestly's first name?
Trucker: Beats me.
Tish: Yeah, but it's gotta be on his application, right?
Trucker: Now that I think about it, I'm not even sure he filled one out.
Trucker: All right, angels, the Causemobile is ready to roll!
Jen, Tish, Piper: Thanks, Charlie!
[Jack is looking for a truck to take him and Vera]
Jack Corcoran: Heading west?
Trucker: [staring at Vera] Yeah.
Jack Corcoran: Can you take some more cargo?
Trucker: Is she afraid of mice?
Jack Corcoran: [frustrated] Are you hauling mice?
[the Starman has followed a trucker into the men's room. He stands and observes the trucker using the urinal and smiles at him]
Trucker: [muttering] Every goddamn place you go!
[Trucker zips up angrily and moves to leave. Starman tries the new phrase and gesture he'd just learned from observing the full-service pump attendant]
Starman: [gives a thumbs up] Take it easy.
Trucker: [gives the middle finger] Up yours!
[the trucker leaves Starman to ponder this experience alone]
Starman: [gestures thumbs-up with one hand, mouths] Take it easy.
Starman: [gestures middle finger with other hand, mouths] Up yours.
[Starman nods to himself, deciding that this must be the correct social pattern for human good-byes]
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