Transom Quotes in How I Won the War (1967)

Juniper: [enters scene dressed as a clown, pulling a hobby horse, as if acting a scene] Will you take my horse, sir?

Transom: [to Goodbody] Take no large notice, sir. He is working what is known as ticket, sir. Keeps the lads amused.

[Clapper, Drouge, and Spool join Juniper, dressed normally]

Transom: Pick those bits up, Gripweed!

[joining the scene]

Transom: Where's your tin hat gone, Juniper?

Juniper: Losing by neglect, sir!

Transom: If I catch you without your tin hat in a battle zone again, I'll ram it down your throat!

Clapper: Losing by neglect, one mess tin.

Juniper: One mess tin!

Transom: Did you have your name on it?

[aside, to Goodbody]

Transom: Take no notice, sir.

Juniper: Scratched on!

Goodbody: Pull these...

Clapper: Scratched on?

Goodbody: ...men together!

Juniper: Scored it!

Transom: How dare you disfigure government property? Six days royal warrant. March him off, Musket Major. Two men!

[exeunt Juniper, Clapper, Drogue, and Spool]

Transom: [to Goodbody] Ought to camouflage up, sir, or go - or go get the scrim up, sir, if you're stopping. Us in our, uh, vests here, sir. Exposed to all manner of nasty -

Goodbody: [interrupting, angry but calm] I'm going to explode, but I won't. I think the roller, don't you?

[walks to background]

Juniper: [re-enters scene still dressed as a clown, Drogue, Spool, Gripweed, and Clapper in tow] Bayonet!

Transom: Bayonet?

Spool: Where's your bayonet?

Juniper: Must have left it sticking in the enemy, sir!

Spool: Spur!

Juniper: Where?

Transom: Where's your spur?

Juniper: Must have left it sticking in the horse, sir!

Goodbody: [calls out] Two men!

[exeunt players]

Goodbody: [walks back to Transom and ex-Dooley, points his finger at ex-Dooley, shouting] There! On the end of my finger!

Gripweed: [re-enter players] Finger!

Juniper: Finger?

Gripweed: Musketeer Juniper, where's your finger?

Juniper: Must have left it sticking up the Khyber Pass, sir!

Transom: Self-inflicted injury! March him off, Musket Major! Two - wait for it!

[pause, players posed as if frozen while running]

Transom: Two men!

[exeunt players]