Townsperson Quotes in Bernie (2011)

Townsperson: [talking about Marjorie Nugent] She would chew your ass out at the drop of a hat. I mean, she'd rip you a brand new, there-bedroom two-bath, double-wide asshole. No problem.

Townsperson: Well, I know the Bible says Jesus turned water into wine, but it didn't say liquor store wine. It had to have been non-alcoholic wine, because it didn't have time to ferment.

Townsperson: Well, Bernie was so nice, so accommodating, so willing to keep from hurting other people's feelings, he just couldn't tell anybody to piss off.

Townsperson: In a small town, people will always suspect the worst of someone. But they'll also suspect the best.

Townsperson: [talking about Bernie Tiede] I mean, he just made everybody look so beautiful. Except too bad, you were dead.

Townsperson: I wrote the warden a letter. Yeah, I did. I told him that he had to give you a work release or something like that, so that you could sing at my funeral. Now, I'm not sick or anything, but now Bernie, you promised me that you would do that. And I totally mean wear those lil' chains or whatever if it made them feel better, so...

Bernie Tiede: That is awful sweet, Lenora. And it would be an honor, but don't count on it. I don't think they're letting me out of here for nothing.

Townsperson: Oh pfft... sure they will. I told him that you went temporarily insane. And we're all going insane sooner or later.

Townsperson: [talking about Marjorie Nugent] 'Cause that old heifer, she turned down loans just for a hobby.

Townsperson: [talking about Marjorie Nugent] There are people in town, honey, that would've shot her for five dollars, you know? I mean, when you live in a small town, you've got to be friendly and nice to folks.

Danny Buck: [describing signs that confirm Bernie Tiede as gay] And the kicker is he always wore sandals.

[scene cuts away]

Townsperson: Our Lord and Savior always wore sandals, and he never married. And he had twelve disciples, and I don't think any of them ever married. And the apostle Paul, he was a lifelong bachelor. And you never heard anybody in the New Testament say that they were a bunch of queers.

Townsperson: [at town hall meeting] Don't act so surprised that the Phantom' back, of course he is! You can't leave a candle burning in a window for someone and then be SURPRISED when he finally shows up!

Townsperson: You should never hold a baby's face near an open pin.