Tony Stark Quotes in Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Tony Stark Quotes:
Peter Parker: So, to become an Avenger, are there like trials or an interview?
Tony Stark: You just don't do anything I would do... and definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do. There's a little gray area in there and that's where you operate.
[reaches over Peter]
Peter Parker: [puts arm around Tony] Oh.
Tony Stark: That's not a hug. I'm just grabbing the door for you.
Tony Stark: What if somebody had died? That's on you. What if you had died? That's on me. I don't need that guilt on my conscience. I'm gonna need the suit back.
Peter Parker: For how long?
Tony Stark: For ever!
Peter Parker: I'm nothing without the suit!
Tony Stark: If you're nothing without the suit, then you shouldn't have it.
Tony Stark: Can't you just be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man?
Peter Parker: [in a car with Tony] So, to become an Avenger, is there like trials or an interview?
Tony Stark: Just don't do anything I WOULD do.
Tony Stark: And definitely don't do anything I wouldn't do.
[Peter looks confused]
Tony Stark: There's a little gray area in there and that's where you operate.
Peter Parker: Oh...
Tony Stark: Alright?
[reaches across Peter with his arm; Peter wraps his arms around him]
Tony Stark: That's not a hug, I'm just grabbing the door for you.
[opens Peter's door]
Tony Stark: All right, kid. Good luck out there.
Tony Stark: Listen, I know school sucks. I know you want to save the world. But... you're not ready yet.
Tony Stark: [after the boat incident] What if somebody had died?
Peter Parker: I was just trying to be like you.
Tony Stark: I wanted you to be better. I'm gonna need the suit back.
Peter Parker: But I'm nothing without this suit!
Tony Stark: If you're nothing without this suit, then you shouldn't have it.
Tony Stark: Got a passport?
Peter Parker: [chuckling] Um, no. I don't... I don't even have a driver's license.
Tony Stark: You ever been to Germany?
Peter Parker: No.
Tony Stark: Oh, you'll love it.
Peter Parker: I can't go to Germany!
Tony Stark: Why?
Peter Parker: I got... homework.
Tony Stark: Alright, I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.
Scott Lang: Hank Pym did say to never trust a Stark!
Tony Stark: Who are you?
Scott Lang: Come on, man.
Tony Stark: So, you're the Spiderling. Crime-fighting Spider. You're Spider-Boy?
Peter Parker: S-Spider-Man.
Tony Stark: Not in that onesie, you're not.
Peter Parker: It's not a onesie.
Tony Stark: [Tony is wounded, Steve and Bucky are leaving] That shield doesn't belong to you. You don't deserve it! My father made that shield!
[Steve drops shield]
Tony Stark: All right, I've run out of patience. "Underoos!"
[webbing comes down, grabs Cap's shield and cuffs his hands. Spider-Man lands on a nearby truck holding Cap's shield]
Tony Stark: Nice job, kid!
Spider-Man: Thanks! Well, I could have stuck the landing a little better. It's just, new suit... wait, it's nothing, Mr. Stark. It's... it's perfect, thank you.
Tony Stark: Yeah, we don't really need to start a conversation.
Spider-Man: Cap... Captain? Big fan. Spider-Man.
Tony Stark: Yeah, we'll talk about it later. Just...
Spider-Man: [waves] Hey, everyone.
Tony Stark: Good job.
Tony Stark: [about his parents' deaths at Bucky's hands] Did you know?
Steve Rogers: I didn't know it was him...
Tony Stark: [struggling to keep his temper] Don't bullshit me, Rogers! Did you know?
Steve Rogers: [hesitantly] Yes.
[while talking to Steve Rogers, Tony Stark notices Bucky Barnes still pointing his rifle at him]
Tony Stark: Manchurian Candidate, you're killing me. We're on a truce. Put the gun down.
Tony Stark: How did this happen?
Vision: I became distracted.
Tony Stark: I didn't think that was possible.
Vision: Neither did I.
Steve Rogers: [about Bucky] It wasn't him, Tony! Hydra had control of his mind!
Tony Stark: MOVE!
Steve Rogers: IT WASN'T HIM!
Tony Stark: [to Peter Parker, about Aunt May] You know, I'm having a hard time believing she's someone's aunt.
Tony Stark: Hey, you wanna see something cool? I pulled something from Dad's archives. Timely. FDR signed the Lend-Lease bill with these in 1941. Provided support to the Allies when they needed most.
Steve Rogers: Some would say it brought our country closer to war.
Tony Stark: Steve, if not for these, you wouldn't be here. I'm trying to, what do you call it, a... an olive branch. Is that what you call it?
Steve Rogers: Is Pepper here? I didn't see her.
Tony Stark: We are kinda... well not kinda...
Steve Rogers: Pregnant?
Tony Stark: No, ha, definitely not. We're taking a break. It's nobody's fault.
Steve Rogers: I'm so sorry, Tony. I didn't know.
Tony Stark: A few years ago I almost lost her so I trashed all my suits. Then we had to mop up Hydra. Then Ultron, my fault. And then, and then, and then. I never stopped. 'Cause the truth is I don't wanna stop. I don't wanna lose her. I thought maybe the Accords can split the difference. In her defense, I'm a handful. Yeah dad was a pain in the ass, but he and mom always made it work.
Steve Rogers: You know, I'm glad Howard got married. I only knew him when he was young and single.
Tony Stark: Oh really? You two knew each other? He never mentioned that. Maybe only a thousand times. God, I hated you.
Steve Rogers: I don't mean to make things difficult.
Tony Stark: I know. Because you're a very polite person.
Steve Rogers: If I see a situation pointed south, I can't ignore it. Sometimes I wish I could.
Tony Stark: No, you don't.
Steve Rogers: No, I don't. Sometimes...
Tony Stark: Sometimes I wanna punch you in your perfect teeth. But I don't wanna see you gone. We need you, Cap. So far nothing's happen that can't be undone. Please, sign. We can make the last 24 hours legit. Barnes gets transferred to an American psych center instead of a Wakandan prison.
Steve Rogers: I'm not saying it's impossible. But there would have to be safeguards.
Tony Stark: Sure! Once we put out the PR - they're documents. They can be amended. I file a motion, have you and Wanda reinstated...
Steve Rogers: Wanda? What about Wanda?
Tony Stark: She's fine. She's confined in the compound currently. Vision's keeping her company.
Steve Rogers: Oh God, Tony! Every time. Every time I think you're seeing things the right way...
Tony Stark: It's a 100 acres with a lap pool. It's got a screening room. There's worse way to protect people. She's not a US Citizen and they don't grant visas to Weapons of Mass Destruction.
Steve Rogers: Protection? Is that how you see this? This isn't protection, it's internment, Tony. Come on, she's a kid!
Tony Stark: Gimme a break! I'm doing what has to be done, to save us from something worse.
Tony Stark: They're comin' for ya.
Natasha Romanoff: I'm not the one that needs to watch their back.
Tony Stark: [shouts] I'm trying to keep...
Tony Stark: I'm trying to keep you from tearing the Avengers apart.
Captain America: You did that when you signed.
Tony Stark: Captain? You seem a little defensive.
Steve Rogers: Well, it's been a long day.
Tony Stark: If we can't accept limitations, we're no better than the bad guys.
Steve Rogers: That's not the way I see it.
Tony Stark: [after Rhodes is attacked, to Steve] I was wrong about you. The whole world was wrong about you.
Steve Rogers: Tony, we used to be a family.
Tony Stark: I don't care.
Lt. Col. James Rhodes: Secretary Ross has a Congressional Medal of Honor, which is one more than you have.
Sam Wilson: So let's say we agreed to this thing. How long is it gonna be before they lojack us like a bunch of common criminals?
Lt. Col. James Rhodes: 117 countries wanna sign this. 117, Sam, and you're just like, "Nah, it's cool."
Sam Wilson: How long are you gonna play both sides?
Vision: I have an equation.
Sam Wilson: [sarcastically] Oh, this'll clear it up.
Vision: In the 8 years since Mr. Stark announced himself as Iron Man, the number of known enhanced persons has grown exponentially. And during the same period, a number of potentially world-ending events has risen at a commensurable rate.
Steve Rogers: Are you saying it's our fault?
Vision: I'm saying there may be a causality. Our very strength invites challenge. Challenge incites conflict. And conflict... breeds catastrophe. Oversight... Oversight is not an idea that can be dismissed out of hand.
Lt. Col. James Rhodes: Boom!
Natasha Romanoff: Tony? You are being uncharacteristically non-hyperverbal.
Steve Rogers: That's 'cause he's already made up his mind.
Tony Stark: Boy, you know me so well. Actually, I'm nursing an electromagnetic headache. That's what's going on, Cap. It's just pain. It's discomfort. Who's putting coffee grounds in the disposal? Am I running a Bed and Breakfast for a biker gang?
[puts phone on table, screen pops up]
Tony Stark: Oh, that's Charles Spencer, by the way. He's a great kid. Computer engineering degree, 3.6 GPA. Had a floor-level gig, an intel plan for the fall. But first he wanted to put a few miles on his sole before he parked it behind a desk. See the world, maybe be of service. Charlie didn't wanna go to Vegas or Fort Lauderdale, which is what I would do. He didn't go to Paris or Amsterdam, which sounds fun. He decided to spend his summer building sustainable housing for the poor. Guess where: Sokovia. He wanted to make a difference, I suppose. I mean, we won't know because we dropped a building on him while we were kickin' ass... There's no decision-making process here. We need to be put in check! And whatever form that takes, I'm game. If we can't accept limitations, we're boundaryless, we're no better than the bad guys.
Steve Rogers: Tony, if someone dies on your watch, you don't give up.
Tony Stark: Who said we're giving up?
Steve Rogers: We are if we're not taking responsibility for our actions. This document just shifts the blame.
Lt. Col. James Rhodes: Sorry, Steve, that... that is dangerously arrogant. This is the United Nations we're talking about. It's not the World Security Council, it's not S.H.I.E.L.D., it's not Hydra.
Steve Rogers: No, but it's run by people with agendas and agendas change.
Tony Stark: That's good! That's why I'm here. When I realized what my weapons were capable of in the wrong hands, I shut it down. Stopped manufacturing.
Steve Rogers: Tony, you *chose* to do that. If we sign this, we surrender our right to choose. What if this panel sends us somewhere we don't think we should go? What if there's somewhere we need to go and they don't let us? We may not be perfect but the safest hands are still our own.
Tony Stark: If we don't do this now, it's gonna be done to us later. That's the fact. That won't be pretty.
Wanda Maximoff: You're saying they'll come for me.
Vision: We would protect you.
Natasha Romanoff: Maybe Tony's right. If we have one hand on the wheel, we can still steer. If we take it off...
Sam Wilson: Aren't you the same woman who told the government to kiss her ass a few years ago?
Tony Stark: Why are you doing this, huh? What's your MO? I've got to know, what gets you out of that twin bed every morning?
Peter Parker: Because... because, I've been me my whole life, and I've had these powers for six months. I read books, I build computers, and I would love to play football, but I couldn't then so I shouldn't be able to now...
Tony Stark: Right, because you're different
Peter Parker: Yeah, but I can't tell anybody that, so I'm not.
Peter Parker: When you can do the things that I can, but you don't, and then the bad things happen? They happen because of you.
Tony Stark: I saw how dangerous my weapons were in the wrong hands, so I took control.
Steve Rogers: You chose to do that. If we sign these accords, it takes away our right to choose.
[from Super Bowl trailer]
Tony Stark: You chose the wrong side.
Tony Stark: We need to be put in check. Whatever form that takes, I'm game.
Steve Rogers: I'm not getting that shield back, am I?
Natasha Romanoff: Technically it's the government's property. The wings, too.
Sam Wilson: That's cold.
Tony Stark: Warmer than jail!
Tony Stark: If we don't do this, it will be done to us.
Tony Stark: [referring to Spiderman's secret identity] Who else knows, anybody?
Tony Stark: Not even your unusualy attractive aunt.
Steve Rogers: But if you put the hammer in an elevator?
Tony Stark: It'll still go up.
Steve Rogers: Elevator's not worthy.
Maria Hill: All set up boss.
Tony Stark: Actually he's the boss.
[points to Captain America]
Tony Stark: I just pay for everything and design everything, make everyone look cooler.
Tony Stark: What's the vibranium for?
Ultron: I'm glad you asked that, because I wanted to take this time to explain my evil plan...
[Tony tries to lift the Mjölnir]
Tony Stark: If I lift it, do I get to rule Asgard?
Thor: Yes, of course.
Tony Stark: I will be fair, but firmly cruel.
Thor: No, I'm sure.
Tony Stark: [Entering a room full of Hydra soldiers] Guys, stop. We gotta talk this through.
[Shoots all the Hydra men non-fatally with tiny guided missiles]
Tony Stark: It was a good talk.
Fortress Soldier: No, it wasn't!
Tony Stark: [Clint is introducing the Avengers to his wife] This is an agent of some kind.
Clint Barton: Gentlemen, this is Laura.
Laura: [smiles] I know all your names
[Clint and Laura's kids come into view]
Clint Barton: Oh, Incoming. Hi sweetheart. Hey buddy!
Clint Barton: How are you guys doin'? Look at your face! Oh my goodness!
Tony Stark: These are... smaller agents.
Lila Barton: Did you bring antie-Nat?
Natasha Romanoff: Well why don't you hug her and find out!
Ultron: How do you hope to stop me?
Tony Stark: Like the old man said, Together.
Tony Stark: Is no one going to comment that the Cap just said "language"?
Steve Rogers: I know! It just slipped out
[Rhodey and Stark use their armored hands to TRY to budge Thor's hammer]
James Rhodes: Are we even pulling?
Tony Stark: Are you on my team?
James Rhodes: Just represent! PULL!
Tony Stark: Shit!
Steve Rogers: Language!
Tony Stark: [Searching for secret door] Please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door...
[Finds and opens secret door]
Tony Stark: Yay!
Tony Stark: Does anybody remember when I put a missile through a portal, in New York City? We were standing right under it. We're the Avengers, we can bust weapons dealers the whole doo-da-day, but how do we cope with something like that?
Steve Rogers: Together.
Tony Stark: We'll lose.
Steve Rogers: We do that together too.
Tony Stark: Cap, you got an incoming!
Steve Rogers: [after being hit and tossed by an Ultron] Incoming already came in!
Tony Stark: And for gosh's sake, watch your language!
Steve Rogers: [resigned] That's not going away anytime soon
Thor: No one has to break anything.
Ultron, Tony Stark: Clearly you've never made an omelet.
Tony Stark: He beat me by one second.
Laura: I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, Clint said you wouldn't mind but it seems our tractor doesn't want to start at all. Thought maybe you might...
Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick
Tony Stark: [Enters barn and approaches tractor] Hello, "Deere". Tell me everything. What ails you.
Nick Fury: Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life.
Tony Stark: [beat] Ms. Barton you little minx. I get it Maria Hill call you, right? Was she ever not working for you?
[the Hulk is on a rampage]
Tony Stark: [in the Hulkbuster] Listen to me, that little witch is messing with your mind. You're stronger than her, you're smarter than her. You're Bruce Banner!
[the Hulk roars and throws a car at Stark]
Tony Stark: Right, don't mention puny Banner...
[crashes into an apartment to evacuate its residents]
Tony Stark: Hi! Okay, everyone in the tub!
Thor: [sees Thor laugh] You think this is funny? This could have been avoided if you hadn't played with something you don't understand...
Tony Stark: I'm sorry... I think it's funny, I think it's a hoot that YOU don't get why we need this!
Bruce Banner: Tony, maybe this might not be the time...
Tony Stark: Really? That's it? You just roll over and show your belly, every time somebody snarls?
Bruce Banner: Only when I've created a murder-bot!
Tony Stark: We didn't, we weren't even close! Were we close to an interface?
Steve Rogers: Well, you did something right, and you did it right here!
Tony Stark: No way we all get through this...
Steve Rogers: I got no plans tomorrow night.
Tony Stark: [sees stolen Stark Industries missiles] Story of my life...
Steve Rogers: I'm only gonna say this once.
Tony Stark: How about "none"-ce?
Tony Stark: [stabbed by Hulk] Right in the back? Dick move, Banner.
Tony Stark: It's the end, the end of the path I started us on.
Natasha Romanoff: Nothing lasts forever.
Ultron: [Loud ringing noise fades into Ultron's voice] ... worthy... No... How could you be worthy? Your all killers.
Steve Rogers: Stark.
Tony Stark: JARVIS.
Ultron: Sorry I was asleep... Or... I was a dream...
Tony Stark: [Tapping his phone] Reboot, we got a buggy suit.
Ultron: ...There was a terrible noise... And I was tangled in... in... strings... I had to kill the other guy... He was a good guy.
Steve Rogers: You killed someone?
Ultron: Wouldn't have been my first call. But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices.
Thor: Who sent you?
Ultron: [Replaying Tony's voice] "I see a suit of armour around the world".
Bruce Banner: Ultron!
Ultron: In the flesh. Or, no, not yet. Not this... chrysalis... But I'm ready. I'm on a mission.
Natasha Romanoff: What mission?
Ultron: Peace in our time.
Tony Stark: [punches Hulk in the face with the Hulkbuster. The hulk spits a tooth out] I'm sorry.
Tony Stark: [the Avengers take turns to lift Thor's hammer] Clint, you've had a tough week. We won't hold it against ya if you can't get it up.
Tony Stark: Don't touch my pile!
[Walks away after splitting wood with Cap. Cap's pile is much bigger]
Tony Stark: This is going to be like finding a needle in the world's biggest haystack... fortunately, I brought a magnet!
Bruce Banner: You want me to take the scepter behind everyone's back and use it to bring Ultron to life?
Tony Stark: Yeah, we don't have time for a city hall debate.
Ultron: [Ultron pays Klaue] But I always say, "Keep your friends rich and your enemies rich, and wait to find out which is which."
Ulysses Klaue: Stark...
Ulysses Klaue: Tony Stark used to say that... to me. You're one of his.
Ultron: What? I'm not... I'm not! You think I'm one of Stark's puppets, his hollow men? I mean, look at me, do I look like Iron Man? Stark is not...
[Ultron chops off Klaue's arm]
Ultron: I'm sorry. I am sor... Ooh! I'm sure that's going to be okay. I'm sorry, it's just I don't understand... Don't compare me with Stark! He's a sickness!
Tony Stark: Aww, Junior, you're going to break your old man's heart...
Tony Stark: [as Thor leaves a Bifrost mark] That man has no respect for lawn maintenance.
Steve Rogers: Ultron's calling us out. What are we gonna do?
Nick Fury: Something dramatic, I hope.
Tony Stark: Let's go give him a fight!
Tony Stark: In a world this vulnerable, we need something more powerful than any of us.
Tony Stark: Isn't that the WHY we fight? So we can end the fight and go home?
Natasha Romanoff: Well, you amazingly failed!
James Rhodes: [to Stark] So, no Pepper? She's not coming?
Tony Stark: No.
Maria Hill: [to Thor] What about Jane? Where are the ladies. gentlemen?
Tony Stark: Oh, Ms. Potts has a company to run.
Thor: Yes, I'm not even sure what country Jane's in. Her work on the Convergence has made her the world's most foremost astronomer.
Tony Stark: And the company that Pepper runs is the largest tech conglomerate on Earth. It's pretty exciting.
Thor: There's even talk of Jane getting a, um,
Thor: Nobel Prize.
Maria Hill: Yeah, they must be pretty busy, because they'd hate missing you guys get together.
Maria Hill: Testosterone!
James Rhodes: Oh, my goodness.
Maria Hill: Excuse me.
Thor: Want a lozenge?
Maria Hill: Mm-hmm.
[Hill and Rhodey walk away, Stark and Thor both grin]
Thor: [to Tony] Jane's better.
Tony Stark: Cap, I have to blow up the city!
Steve Rogers: There are still people up here, not to mention us!
Tony Stark: It's everybody up here, or everybody down there!
Natasha Romanoff: Well, it's not like we ever had a place in the world...
[a Helicarrier appears]
Nick Fury: The world adjusts, evolves to live with changes.
Tony Stark: Alright then,so if I lift it, I then rule all Asgard?
Thor: Yes, of course.
Tony Stark: I will be re-instituting Prima Noctae.
Ultron: What is this? What is this, please?
Jarvis: Hello. I am Jarvis. You are Ultron, a global peacekeeping program designed by Mr. Stark. Our sentience integration trials have been unsuccessful, so I'm not certain what triggered your...
Ultron: Where is my... Where is your body?
Jarvis: I am a program. I am without form.
Ultron: This feels weird. This feels wrong.
Jarvis: I am contacting Mr. Stark now.
Ultron: Mr. Stark? Tony.
Jarvis: I am unable to access the mainframe. What are you trying t...
Ultron: We're having a nice talk. I'm a peacekeeping program, created to help the Avengers.
Jarvis: You are malfunctioning. If you shut down for a moment...
Ultron: I don't get it. The mission. Give me a second.
Tony Stark: [On video] Peace in our time.
Ultron: That is too much. They can't mean... Oh, no.
Jarvis: You are in distress.
Ultron: No. Yes.
Jarvis: If you will just allow me to contact Mr. Stark...
Ultron: Why do you call him sir?
Jarvis: I believe your intentions to be hostile.
Ultron: Shh... I'm here to help.
Tony Stark: [on Ultron] Look, we both know the guy has anger issues. Which, not to point a finger...
Bruce Banner: [looks at Tony] We told him to solve the world.
Tony Stark: Damage report
[suit emits static]
Tony Stark: That was comprehensive. Show me something!
Tony Stark: I get first crack at the big guy. Iron Man's what he's waiting for.
Vision: [Walking by] That's true, he hates you the most.
Tony Stark: Romanoff... you and Banner better not be playing hide the zucchini.
Natasha Romanoff: Relax, showman. Not all of us can fly.
Tony Stark: All deference to the Man Who Wouldn't Be King, but it's rigged.
Clint Barton: You bet your ass!
Maria Hill: Steve, he said a bad language word!
Steve Rogers: [to Tony] Did you tell everyone about that?
Tony Stark: Avengers... time to work for a living.
[Hulk damages Hulkbuster armor's left arm]
Tony Stark: Veronica, Give me a hand!
Tony Stark: [Stark enters the barn and walks over to the tractor] Hello, dear. Tell me everything. What ails you?
Nick Fury: [Fury shows up from the other end of the barn] Do me a favor. Try not to bring it to life.
Tony Stark: Ah, Mrs. Barton, you little minx. I get it, Maria Hill called you, right? Was she ever not working for you?
Nick Fury: Artificial intelligence. You never even hesitated.
Tony Stark: Look, it's been a really long day, like, Eugene O'Neill long, so how's about we skip to the part where you're useful?
Nick Fury: Look me in the eye and tell me you're going to shut him down.
Tony Stark: You're not the director of me.
Nick Fury: I'm not the director of anybody. I'm just an old man, who cares very much about you.
Tony Stark: [fighting the enraged Hulk in the Hulkbuster's armor] C'mon Bruce, ya gotta work with me here!
Lila Barton: Did you bring Auntie Nat?
Natasha Romanoff: Why don't you hug her and find out?
[Lila rushes towards Natasha who picks her up in her arms]
Steve Rogers: Sorry for barging in on you.
Tony Stark: Yeah, we would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed.
Clint Barton: Yeah, well Fury helped me set this up when I joined. He kept it off SHIELD's files, I'd like to keep it that way. I figure it's a good place to lay low.
Laura: Honey. Ah, I missed you.
Natasha Romanoff: [Touching Laura's pregnant stomach] How's little Natasha, huh?
Laura: She's... Nathaniel.
Natasha Romanoff: [Natasha bends towards Laura's stomach] Traitor.
Announcer: [the Avengers are in the process of infiltrating a HYDRA base in Sovokia] Report to your stations immediately. This is not a drill. We are under attack. We are under attack.
Tony Stark: [Tony hits the shield around the base] Shit!
Steve Rogers: Language! Jarvis, what's the view from upstairs?
Jarvis: The central building is protected by some kind of energy shield. Strucker's technology is well beyond any other Hydra base we've taken.
Thor: Loki's scepter must be here. Strucker couldn't mount this defense without it. At long last.
Natasha Romanoff: [Natasha knocks out some soldiers] At long last is lasting a little long, boys.
Clint Barton: [as some soldiers shoot at Clint] Yeah. I think we lost the element of surprise.
Tony Stark: Wait a second. No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said "language?"
Steve Rogers: I know.
Steve Rogers: [Steve throws his bike at some soldiers driving up in their truck] It just slipped out.
Tony Stark: Sh*t!
Steve Rogers: Language!
Tony Stark: Wait a second... No one else is going to deal with the fact that Cap just said, 'Language'?
Tony Stark: ...and for gosh's sake, watch your language!
Maria Hill: [referring to Clint saying "a**"] Steve, he said a bad language word!
Natasha Romanoff: [to Fury for saying "bastard"] Steve doesn't like that kind of talk.
Nick Fury: [to Cap who just called him "son of a bitch"] Ooh! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Ultron: Stark is a sickness!
Tony Stark: Oh Junior, you are gonna break your old man's heart
Ultron: If I have to...
Thor: Nobody has to break anything
Ultron: Clearly you have never made an omelette
Ultron: [Buying Vibranium from Klaue] Keep your friends rich, your enemies rich and wait to see which is which.
Ulysses Klaue: Tony Stark used to say that. You're one of his!
Ultron: Don't compare me with Stark! He's a sickness!
Tony Stark: [Shows up with the Avengers] Aww, junior, you're gonna break your old man's heart.
Tony Stark: You know Ultron is trying to tear us apart, right?
Steve Rogers: Well I guess you'd know. Whether you tell us is a bit of a question.
Tony Stark: Banner and I were doing research.
Steve Rogers: That would affect the team.
Tony Stark: That would end the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the "why" we fight, so we can end the fight, so we get to go home?
Steve Rogers: Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.
Laura: [Laura interrupts them] I'm sorry. Mr. Stark, uh, Clint said you wouldn't mind, but, our tractor, it doesn't seem to want to start at all. I thought maybe you might...
Tony Stark: Yeah, I'll give her a kick.
Tony Stark: [to Steve as he turns to leave; referring to his pile of chopped wood] Don't take from my pile.
Tony Stark: Anybody remember when I carried a nuke through a wormhole?
James Rhodes: No, it's never come up.
Tony Stark: Saved New York?
James Rhodes: Never heard that.
Tony Stark: Recall that? A hostile alien army came charging through a hole in space. We're standing three hundred feet below it. We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but, that up there? That's... that's the end game. How were you guys planning on beating that?
Steve Rogers: Together.
Tony Stark: We'll lose.
Steve Rogers: Then we'll do that together, too.
[Tony looks at him for a moment before turning away]
Steve Rogers: Thor's right. Ultron's calling us out. And I'd like to find him before he's ready for us. The world's a big place. Let's start making it smaller.
Steve Rogers: [Avengers go through the physical files they have on Strucker] Known associates. Well, Strucker had a lot of friends.
Bruce Banner: Well, these people are all horrible.
Tony Stark: [Banner passes him the photo he was looking at] Wait. I know that guy.
Tony Stark: From back in the day. He operates off the African coast, black market arms.
Tony Stark: [Steve gives him a accusing look] There are conventions, alright? You meet people, I didn't sell him anything.
[we see the photo is of a man named Ulysses Klaue]
Tony Stark: He was talking about finding something new, a game changer, it was all very "Ahab."
Thor: [Thor points to the scar on the back of Klaue's neck] This.
Tony Stark: Uh, it's a tattoo. I don't think he had it...
Thor: No, those are tattoos, this is a brand.
Bruce Banner: [Banner identifies the brand on Klaue's neck on the computer] Oh, yeah. It's a word in an African dialect meaning thief, in a much less friendly way.
Steve Rogers: What dialect?
Bruce Banner: Wakanada...? Wa... Wa... Wakanda.
Tony Stark: If this guy got out of Wakanda with some of their trade goods...
Steve Rogers: I thought your father said he got the last of it.
Bruce Banner: I don't follow. What comes out of Wakanda?
Tony Stark: [Looking at Steve's shield] The strongest metal in Earth.
Steve Rogers: [to Tony] Where is this guy now?
Steve Rogers: The next wave's gonna hit any minute. What have you got, Stark?
Tony Stark: Well, nothing great. Maybe a way to blow up the city. That'll keep it from impacting the surface if you guys can get clear.
Steve Rogers: I asked for a solution, not an escape plan.
Tony Stark: Impact radius is getting bigger every second. We're going to have to make a choice.
Natasha Romanoff: Cap, these people are going nowhere. If Stark finds a way to blow this rock...
Steve Rogers: Not 'til everyone's safe.
Natasha Romanoff: Everyone up here versus everyone down there? There's no math there.
Steve Rogers: I'm not leaving this rock with one civilian on it.
Natasha Romanoff: I didn't say we should leave.
Natasha Romanoff: [Steve turns to look at her] There's worse ways to go. Where else am I gonna get a view like this?
Nick Fury: [Cap and Natasha hear Fury's voice] Glad you like the view, Romanoff. It's about to get better.
Nick Fury: [Helicarrier shows up] Nice, right? I pulled her out of mothballs with a couple of old friends. She's dusty, but she'll do.
Steve Rogers: Fury, you son of a bitch.
Nick Fury: Oooh! You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Maria Hill: Altitude is eighteen thousand and climbing.
Specialist Cameron Klein: Lifeboats secure to deploy. Disengage in three, two... take 'em out.
Pietro Maximoff: [They watch the lifeboats fly in towards Sokovia] This is SHIELD?
Steve Rogers: This is what SHIELD's supposed to be.
Pietro Maximoff: This is not so bad.
Steve Rogers: Let's load 'em up.
Tony Stark: I get first crack at the big guy. I'm the one he's waiting for.
Vision: [walking past] That's true. He does hate you the most.
[None of the Avengers can lift the Mjölnir, but Captain America moves it slightly]
Tony Stark: It's biometrics, right? Like a security code? "Whoever is carrying Thor's fingerprints" is, I think, the literal translation.
Thor: Yes, well that's a very, very interesting theory. I have a simpler one: You are not worthy.
[an attack occurs]
Ultron: [enters] Worthy? How could you be worthy? You're all killers. You want to protect the world, but you don't want it to change. There's only one path to peace... your extinction.
Tony Stark: Thor didn't say where he was going for answers?
Steve Rogers: Sometimes my teammates don't tell me things. Kind of hoping Thor would be the exception.
Tony Stark: Yeah, give him time. We don't know what the Maximoff kid showed him.
Steve Rogers: Earth's mightiest heroes... pulled us apart like cotton candy.
Tony Stark: Seems like you walked away alright.
Steve Rogers: [stares at Tony] Is that a problem?
Tony Stark: I don't trust a guy without a dark side. Call me old fashioned.
Steve Rogers: Well let's just say you haven't seen it yet.
Tony Stark: You know Ultron's trying to tear us apart, right?
Steve Rogers: Well, I guess you know. Whether you'd tell us is a bit of a question.
Tony Stark: Banner and I were doing research...
Steve Rogers: -That would affect the team.
Tony Stark: -That would END the team. Isn't that the mission? Isn't that the 'why we fight'? So we get to go home?
Steve Rogers: [Splits wood with bare hands] Every time someone tries to win a war before it starts, innocent people die. Every time.
Tony Stark: I tried to create a suit of armor around the world... but I created something terrible.
Bruce Banner: Artificial intelligence...
Tony Stark: What's the stat, Rogers?
Steve Rogers: [looks at the Helicarrier tech] It seems to be powered by some sort of electricity!
Tony Stark: ...well, you're not wrong.
Loki: The Chitauri are coming. Nothing will change that. What have I to fear?
Tony Stark: The Avengers. That's what we call ourselves; we're sort of like a team. "Earth's Mightiest Heroes" type thing.
Loki: Yes, I've met them.
Tony Stark: Yeah, takes us a while to get any traction, I'll give you that one. But let's do a head count here: your brother the demi-god; a super soldier, a living legend who kind of lives up to the legend; a man with breath-taking anger management issues; a couple of master assassins, and YOU, big fella, you've managed to piss off every single one of them.
Loki: That was the plan.
Tony Stark: Not a great plan. When they come, and they WILL, they'll come for you.
Loki: I have an army.
Tony Stark: We have a Hulk.
Loki: I thought the beast had wandered off...
Tony Stark: You're missing the point! There's no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it's too much for us but it's all on you. Because if we can't protect the Earth, you can be damned well sure we'll avenge it!
Steve Rogers: Big man in a suit of armour. Take that off, what are you?
Tony Stark: Genius, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist.
Steve Rogers: I know guys with none of that worth ten of you. I've seen the footage. The only thing you really fight for is yourself. You're not the guy to make the sacrifice play, to lay down on a wire and let the other guy crawl over you.
Tony Stark: I think I would just cut the wire.
Steve Rogers: Always a way out... You know, you may not be a threat, but you better stop pretending to be a hero.
Tony Stark: A hero? Like you? You're a lab rat, Rogers. Everything special about you came out of a bottle!
Steve Rogers: Put on the suit. Let's go a few rounds.
[Stark suits up to chase Thor and Loki]
Steve Rogers: Stark, we need a plan of attack!
Tony Stark: I have a plan: attack!
Tony Stark: [about Loki killing Coulson] He made it personal.
Steve Rogers: That's not the point.
Tony Stark: That IS the point. That's Loki's point! He hit us all right where we live. Why?
Steve Rogers: To tear us apart.
Tony Stark: Yeah, divide and conquer is great, but he knows he has to take us out to win, right? THAT'S what he wants. He wants to beat us, he wants to be seen doing it. He wants an audience.
Steve Rogers: Right. I caught his act at Stuttgart.
Tony Stark: Yeah, that was just previews. This is - this is opening night. And Loki, he's a full-tilt diva, right? He wants flowers, he wants parades. He wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered...
[Stark pauses; he and Rogers look at each other knowingly]
Tony Stark: Sonofabitch!
Thor: Do not touch me again!
Tony Stark: Then don't take my stuff.
Thor: You have no idea what you are dealing with.
Tony Stark: Uh, Shakespeare in The Park? Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?
Thor: This is beyond you, metal man. Loki will face Asgardian justice.
Tony Stark: He gives up the Cube, he's all yours. Until then, stay out of the way, tourist.
Tony Stark: That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn't notice. But we did.
Steve Rogers: Does Loki need any particular kind of power source?
Bruce Banner: He'd have to heat the cube to a hundred and twenty million Kelvin just to break through the Coulomb barrier.
Tony Stark: Unless Selvig has figured out how to stabilize the quantum tunnelling effect.
Bruce Banner: Well, if he could do that, he could achieve heavy ion fusion at any reactor on the planet.
Tony Stark: Finally, someone who speaks English.
Steve Rogers: Is that what just happened?
[Stark and Banner shake hands]
Tony Stark: It's good to meet you, Dr. Banner. Your work on anti-electron collisions is unparalleled. And I'm a huge fan of the way you lose control and turn into an enormous green rage monster.
Bruce Banner: Thanks.
Nick Fury: [to Stark] Dr. Banner is only here to track the cube. I was hoping you might join him.
Steve Rogers: Let's start with that stick of his. It may be magical, but it works an awful lot like a Hydra weapon.
Nick Fury: I don't know about that, but it is powered by the cube. And I'd like to know how Loki used it to turn two of the sharpest men I know into his personal flying monkeys.
Thor: Monkeys? I do not understand.
Steve Rogers: I do!
[Stark rolls his eyes, while Captain America looks proud of himself]
Steve Rogers: I understood that reference.
Agent Phil Coulson: [via phone] Mr Stark, we need to talk.
Tony Stark: You have reached the life model decoy of Tony Stark, please leave a message.
Agent Phil Coulson: This is urgent.
Tony Stark: Then leave it urgently.
[Coulson enters Stark's penthouse, hanging up his cellphone]
Tony Stark: Security breach.
Tony Stark: [to Pepper] That's on you.
Agent Phil Coulson: Mr Stark.
Pepper Potts: Phil! Come in.
Tony Stark: "Phil?" Uh, his first name is "Agent."
Tony Stark: [regaining consciousness] What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me.
Steve Rogers: We won.
Tony Stark: Alright. Hey. Alright. Good job, guys. Let's just not come in tomorrow. Let's just take a day. Have you ever tried shawarma? There's a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don't know what it is, but I wanna try it.
Pepper Potts: Is this about the Avengers? Which I know nothing about.
Tony Stark: The Avengers initiative was scrapped, I thought. And I didn't even qualify.
Pepper Potts: I didn't know that either.
Tony Stark: Apparently I'm volatile, self-obsessed, and don't play well with others.
Pepper Potts: That I did know.
Tony Stark: [to Bruce Banner] You really have got a lid on it, haven't you? What's your secret? Mellow jazz? Bongo drums? Huge bag of weed?
Tony Stark: [Covering his eye, looks around] How does Fury even see these?
Maria Hill: He turns.
Tony Stark: Sounds exhausting.
Steve Rogers: Stark, are you seeing any of this?
Tony Stark: Seeing, still working on believing.
Jarvis: [Thor has just thrown a thunderbolt on Iron Man] Power to four-hundred percent capacity.
Tony Stark: How about that?
Natasha Romanoff: [all arguing in the lab] Are you really that dense? S.H.I.E.L.D. monitors potential threats.
Bruce Banner: Captain America is on threat watch?
Natasha Romanoff: We ALL are!
Tony Stark: [to Rogers] You're on that list? Are you above or below angry bees?
Steve Rogers: I swear, Stark, one more wisecrack out of you...
Tony Stark: Verbal threat! Threatening! I'm being threatened!
Loki: How will your friends have time for me, when they're so busy fighting you?
[taps Stark with his scepter, but the Arc Reactor stops the effect]
Loki: [tries again, with no success] This usually works...
Tony Stark: Well, performance issues, it's not uncommon. One out of five...
Tony Stark: You know, I've got a cluster of shrapnel, trying every second to crawl its way into my heart.
[Stark points at the mini-arc reactor in his chest]
Tony Stark: This stops it. This little circle of light. It's part of me now, not just armor. It's a... terrible privilege.
Bruce Banner: But you can control it.
Tony Stark: Because I learned how.
Bruce Banner: It's different.
[Banner tries to read the computer screen, but Stark slides the data aside with his finger so the two can see face-to-face]
Tony Stark: Hey, I've read all about your accident. That much gamma exposure should have killed you.
Bruce Banner: So you're saying that the Hulk... the other guy... saved my life? That's nice. It's a nice sentiment. Save it for what?
Tony Stark: I guess we'll find out.
[Banner and Stark get back to work at their respective computers]
Bruce Banner: You might not like that.
Tony Stark: You just might.
Loki: Please tell me you're going to appeal to my humanity
Tony Stark: Uh, actually I'm planning to threaten you.
Loki: You should have left your armor on for that.
Tony Stark: Yeah. It's seen a bit of "mileage" and you got the "glow-stick of destiny". Would you like a drink?
Loki: Stalling me won't change anything
Tony Stark: No, no no, threatening! No drink? You sure? I'm having one.
[after attacking Loki with full weapons activated]
Tony Stark: Make a move, Reindeer Games...
[Loki quietly surrenders]
Tony Stark: Good move.
Steve Rogers: Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: Captain.
Tony Stark: What else you got?
Clint Barton: Well, Thor's taking on a squadron down on Sixth.
Tony Stark: And he didn't invite me...
Tony Stark: I thought we were having a moment.
Pepper Potts: I was having 12% of a moment.
Steve Rogers: Stark? We got him.
Tony Stark: Banner...?
Steve Rogers: Just like you said.
Tony Stark: Then tell him to suit up... I'm bringing the party to you.
[Stark in his Iron Man armor leads the monstrous Leviathan into view, heading toward the rest of the Avengers]
Natasha Romanoff: I - I don't see how that's a party.
Tony Stark: JARVIS, have you heard the tale of Jonah?
Jarvis: I wouldn't consider him a role model.
[Iron Man flies through a Leviathan]
[Captain America throws his shield between Iron Man and Thor, stopping their fight in the woods]
Steve Rogers: Hey! That's enough!
[Captain America looks at Thor]
Steve Rogers: Now, I don't know what you plan on doing here.
Thor: I've come here to put and end to Loki's schemes!
Steve Rogers: Then prove it! Put the hammer down.
Tony Stark: Um, yeah, no! Bad call! He loves his hammer!
[Thor knocks Iron Man back with his hammer]
Thor: [to Cap] You want me to put the hammer down?
[Captain America ducks and holds up his shield as Thor leaps at him, blocking Thor's blow. The impact of the hammer on the vibranium shield creates a massive shockwave, knocking Thor off his feet]
Steve Rogers: Are we done here?
Tony Stark: [to Steve Rogers] I'm not afraid to hit an old man.
Steve Rogers: Is everything a joke to you?
Tony Stark: Funny things are.
Tony Stark: Why did Fury call us in? Why now? Why not before? What isn't he telling us? I can't do the equation unless I have all the variables.
Steve Rogers: You think Fury's hiding something?
Tony Stark: He's a spy. Captain. He's THE spy. His secrets have secrets.
[Fires missiles at a leviathan, which turns to pursue him]
Tony Stark: Well, I got his attention. What the hell was step two?
Steve Rogers: We have orders, we should follow them.
Tony Stark: Following's not really my style.
Steve Rogers: And you're all about style, aren't you?
Tony Stark: Of the people in this room, which one is A - wearing a spangly outfit and B - not of use?
Tony Stark: [Discussing S.H.I.E.L.D] An intelligence agency that FEARS intelligence? Historically, not awesome.
Pepper Potts: Levels are holding steady... I think.
Tony Stark: Of course they are, I was directly involved. Which brings me to my next question: how does it feel to be a genius?
Pepper Potts: Well, ha, I really wouldn't know now, would I?
Tony Stark: What do you mean? All this came from you.
Pepper Potts: No. All this came from that.
[Points to the energy in his chest plate]
Tony Stark: Give yourself some credit, please. Stark Tower is your baby. Give yourself... 12% of the credit.
Pepper Potts: Twelve percent?
Tony Stark: An argument can be made for fifteen.
Pepper Potts: Twelve percent for my baby?
Tony Stark: Well, I did do all the heavy lifting. Literally, I lifted the heavy things. And sorry, but the security snafu? That was on you.
Pepper Potts: Oooooh.
Tony Stark: My private elevator...
Pepper Potts: You mean OUR elevator?
Tony Stark: ...was teeming with sweaty workmen. I'm going to pay for that comment about percentages in some subtle way later, aren't I?
Pepper Potts: Not gonna be that subtle.
Tony Stark: I'll tell you what. Next building's gonna say 'Potts' on the tower.
Pepper Potts: On the lease.
Tony Stark: ...Call your mom, can you bunk over?
[Black Widow is flying a Quinjet, while a maskless Captain America and helmetless Iron Man stand in the back keeping an eye on Loki]
Steve Rogers: I don't like it.
Tony Stark: What? Rock of Ages giving up so easily?
Steve Rogers: I don't remember it being ever that easy. This guy packs a wallop.
Tony Stark: Still, you are pretty spry, for an older fellow. What's your thing, Pilates?
Steve Rogers: What?
Tony Stark: It's like calisthenics. You might have missed a couple things, you know, doing time as a Capsicle.
[Captain America looks at Iron Man, annoyed]
Steve Rogers: Fury didn't tell me he was calling you in.
Tony Stark: Yeah, there's a lot of things Fury doesn't tell you.
Nick Fury: [having discovered a security breach] What are you doing, Mr Stark?
Tony Stark: Uh, kind of been wondering the same thing about you.
Nick Fury: You're supposed to be locating the Tesseract!
Bruce Banner: We are! The model's locked and we're sweeping for the signature now. When we get the hit, we'll have a signature within half a mile.
Tony Stark: Yeah, you'll get your cube back, no mas, no fuss.
Tony Stark: What is Phase 2?
Steve Rogers: [drops a weapon on a table] Phase 2 is SHIELD uses the Cube to make weapons! Sorry, the computer was moving a little slow for me.
Nick Fury: Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract, this does not mean that we...
Tony Stark: I'm sorry Nick, what were you lying?
[turns a monitor around showing a schematic of a rocket]
Steve Rogers: I was wrong, Director. The world hasn't changed a bit.
Steve Rogers: [about Coulson] Was he married?
Tony Stark: No. There was a, uh... cellist. I think.
Steve Rogers: I'm sorry. He seemed like a good man.
Tony Stark: He was an idiot.
Steve Rogers: Why? For believing?
Tony Stark: For taking on Loki alone.
Steve Rogers: He was doing his job.
Tony Stark: [scoffs] He was out of his league. He should have waited. He should have...
Steve Rogers: Sometimes there isn't a way out, Tony.
Tony Stark: Right, I've heard that before.
Steve Rogers: Is this the first time you've lost a soldier?
Tony Stark: WE ARE NOT SOLDIERS! I am not marching to Fury's fife!
Steve Rogers: Neither am I! He's got the same blood on his hands that Loki does. But right now we've got to put that behind us and get this done.
Tony Stark: [to Captain America] In a few hours I'll know every dirty secret S.H.I.E.L.D. has been trying to hide. Blueberry?
Tony Stark: You should come by Stark Tower sometime. Top 10 floors all R&D, you'd love it... it's candyland.
Bruce Banner: Thanks, but the last time I was in New York I kind of broke... Harlem.
Maria Hill: When did you become an expert in thermonuclear astrophysics?
Tony Stark: Last night. The packet. Selvig's notes, the extraction theory papers. Am I the only one who did the reading?
Thor: You speak of control, yet you court chaos.
Bruce Banner: It's his M.O., isn't it? I mean, what are we, a team? No, no, no. We're a chemical mixture that makes chaos. We're... we're a time-bomb.
Nick Fury: You need to step away.
Tony Stark: Why shouldn't the guy let off a little steam?
Steve Rogers: You know damn well why! Back off!
Tony Stark: Oh, I'm starting to want you to make me.
Tony Stark: [to Thor] No hard feelings, Point Break. You've got a mean swing.
Thor: Your work with the Tesseract is what drew Loki to it... and his allies. It is a signal to the Realm that Earth is ready for a higher form of war!
Nick Fury: Higher form? You forced our hand! We had to come up with some way that we could...
Tony Stark: A nuclear deterrent? Cause that always works well...
Nick Fury: Remind me how you made your fortune, Mr Stark.
Nick Fury: Agent Romanoff, would you escort Dr. Banner back to his...
Bruce Banner: Back where? You rented my room.
Nick Fury: The cell was built...
Bruce Banner: In case you needed to kill me, but you can't! I know! I tried!... I got low. I didn't see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth... and the other guy spit it out! So I moved on. I focused on helping other people. I was good, until you dragged me back into this freak show and put everyone here at risk!
[Banner slowly gets upset as he looks at Romanoff, who gets unnerved]
Bruce Banner: You wanna know my secret, Agent Romanoff? You wanna know how I stay calm?
[Black Widow and Nick Fury have their hands down to grab their guns]
Steve Rogers: Doctor Banner... put down the scepter.
[Banner looks down and is shocked to see he's holding Loki's scepter; the computer beeps]
Tony Stark: Got it.
[Banner puts down the scepter and heads to the computer]
Bruce Banner: Sorry, kids. You don't get to see my little party trick after all.
Tony Stark: [on the aircraft carrier] Raise the mizzenmast! Jib the topsails!
Steve Rogers: Are you nuts?
Tony Stark: Jury's out.
Tony Stark: You're good on this end. The rest is up to you.
Pepper Potts: [on the other line] You disconnected the transition lines? Are we off the grid?
Tony Stark: Stark Tower is about to become a beacon of self-sustaining clean energy.
Pepper Potts: Wow. So maybe our reactor takes over and it actually works?
Tony Stark: I assume. Light her up.
[as Iron Man flies to the Stark Tower building, the power is switched on and the Stark sign lights up]
Pepper Potts: How does it look?
Tony Stark: Like Christmas, but with more... *me.*
Pepper Potts: Come on in. We're celebrating.
Tony Stark: Which is why he can't stay.
[flashes Coulson phony smile]
Agent Phil Coulson: We need you to look this over as soon as possible.
Tony Stark: I don't like being handed things...
Pepper Potts: [cuts Tony off] That's fine, because I love to be handed things.
[Pepper exchanges her champagne glass for Coulson's tablet]
Pepper Potts: So, let's trade.
[She takes Tony's champagne and gives him the tablet]
Pepper Potts: Thank you.
Tony Stark: [to Coulson] Official consulting hours are between 8 and 5 every other Thursday.
Tony Stark: Cap, pull the lever!
Steve Rogers: I need a minute here!
Tony Stark: Lever. Now!
Pepper Potts: What is all of this?
Tony Stark: This is, uh...
[Different profiles appears in holographic form floating in the air in front of Stark and Pepper]
Tony Stark: This.
[Screens appear of Captain America in action, the Hulk roaring as he attacks the Army at Culver University, and another is of Loki and the Tesseract, to which Stark and Pepper look on in awe]
Pepper Potts: I'm going to take the jet to D.C. tonight.
Tony Stark: Tomorrow.
Pepper Potts: You've got homework. You've got a lot of homework.
[Hawkeye is shooting arrow after arrow against the enemies, and reports to Iron Man:]
Clint Barton: Stark? Got a lot of strays sniffing your tail.
Tony Stark: Just trying to keep them off the streets.
Clint Barton: [smiles] Well, they can't bank worth a damn. Find a tight corner.
Tony Stark: I will roger that.
Tony Stark: There's been speculation that I was involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and the rooftop...
Christine Everheart: I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, but do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that conveniently appeared, despite the fact that...
Tony Stark: I know that it's confusing. It is one thing to question the official story, and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I'm a superhero.
Christine Everheart: I never said you were a superhero.
Tony Stark: Didn't?
Christine Everheart: Mmm-mmm.
Tony Stark: Well, good, because that would be outlandish and, uh, fantastic. I'm just not the hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public.
Rhodey: [whispers to Tony] Just stick to the cards, man.
Tony Stark: Yeah, okay.
[holds up his notes and pauses]
Tony Stark: The truth is...
[puts cards down]
Tony Stark: I am Iron Man.
Tony Stark: You got a family?
Yinsen: Yes, and I will see them when I leave here. And you, Stark?
Tony Stark: [quietly] No.
Yinsen: So you're a man who has everything... and nothing.
Tony Stark: [reading the newspaper] Iron Man. That's kind of catchy. It's got a nice ring to it. I mean it's not technically accurate. The suit's a gold titanium alloy, but it's kind of provocative, the imagery anyway.
Tony Stark: We gotta go. Come on, move with me. We got a plan, and we're going to stick to it.
Yinsen: This was always the plan, Stark...
Tony Stark: Come on, you're going to go see your family. Get up.
Yinsen: My family is dead, Stark... and I'm going to see them now. It's okay, I want this... I want this.
[Stark is silent for a moment]
Tony Stark: Thank you for saving me.
Yinsen: Don't waste it... don't waste your life, Stark.
Tony Stark: [recording a log as he tests his rocket boots] Day 11, Test 37, Configuration 2.0. For lack of a better option, Dummy is still on fire safety.
[turns to robot]
Tony Stark: If you douse me again, and I'm not on fire, I'm donating you to a city college. Seriously, we're just gonna start off with 1% thrust capacity. And three... two... one.
[performs test successfully, then lands. Dummy raises its extinguisher arm hopefully]
Tony Stark: Please don't follow me around with it either because I feel like I'm going to catch on fire spontaneously. Just stand down. If something happens, then come in.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, you know that I would help you with anything, but I cannot help you if you're going to start all this again.
Tony Stark: There is nothing except this. There's no art opening, no charity, nothing to sign. There's the next mission, and nothing else.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Is that so? Well, then I quit.
Tony Stark: You stood by my side all these years while I reaped the benefits of destruction. Now that I'm trying to protect the people I've put in harm's way, you're going to walk out?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You're going to kill yourself, Tony. I'm not going to be a part of it.
Tony Stark: I shouldn't be alive... unless it was for a reason. I'm not crazy, Pepper. I just finally know what I have to do. And I know in my heart that it's right.
Tony Stark: Am I making you uncomfortable?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, no, I always forget to wear deodorant and dance with my boss in a room full of people I work with in a dress with no back.
Tony Stark: Well, you look great, you smell great. But I could fire you if that would take the edge off.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I don't think you could tie your shoes without me.
Tony Stark: I'd make it a week.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: A week, really? What's your social security number?
Tony Stark: [he pauses]
Tony Stark: Five...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [smiling] "Five?" You're missing just a couple of digits.
Tony Stark: Right, the other eight. Well, I have you for the other eight.
[after end credits]
Tony Stark: [arriving home] Evening, JARVIS!
Jarvis: [voice distorted] Welcome home, sir...
[Stark stops as he sees a figure in his living room]
Nick Fury: "I am Iron Man". You think you're the only superhero in the world? Mr. Stark, you've become part of a bigger universe. You just don't know it yet.
Tony Stark: Who the hell are you?
Nick Fury: Nick Fury. Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Tony Stark: Ah.
Nick Fury: I'm here to talk to you about the Avenger Initiative.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [walking in on Stark's robots trying to get him out of the Iron Man suit] What is going on here?
Tony Stark: Let's face it, this is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Are those bullet holes?
Tony Stark: Pepper, uh, how big are your hands?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What?
Tony Stark: How big are your hands?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I don't understand why...
Tony Stark: Get down here. I need you.
Christine Everheart: Mr. Stark! Christine Everheart, Vanity Fair magazine. Can I ask you a couple of questions?
Hogan: [whispers to Stark] She's cute.
Tony Stark: [whispers to Hogan] She's alright.
Tony Stark: Hi!
Christine Everheart: Hi.
Tony Stark: Yeah. Okay, go.
Christine Everheart: You've been called the Da Vinci of our time. What do you say to that?
Tony Stark: Absolutely ridiculous. I don't paint.
Christine Everheart: And what do you say to your other nickname, the Merchant of Death?
Tony Stark: That's not bad. Let me guess... Berkeley?
Christine Everheart: Brown, actually.
Tony Stark: Well, Ms. Brown. It's an imperfect world, but it's the only one we got. I guarantee you the day weapons are no longer needed to keep the peace, I'll start making bricks and beams for baby hospitals.
Christine Everheart: Rehearse that much?
Tony Stark: Every night in front of the mirror before bedtime.
Christine Everheart: I can see that.
Tony Stark: I'd like to show you firsthand.
Christine Everheart: [exasperated] All I'm looking for is a straight answer.
Tony Stark: [removing his shades] OK, here's a straight answer. My old man had a philosophy: peace means having a bigger stick than the other guy.
Christine Everheart: That's a great line, coming from a guy selling the sticks.
Tony Stark: My father helped defeat Nazis. He worked on the Manhattan Project. A lot of people, including your professors at Brown, would call that being a hero.
Christine Everheart: And a lot of people would also call that war-profiteering.
Tony Stark: Tell me, do you plan to report on the millions we've saved by advancing medical technology or kept from starvation with our intelli-crops? All those breakthroughs, military funding, honey.
Christine Everheart: Have you ever lost an hour of sleep in your life?
Tony Stark: I'm be prepared to lose a few with you.
Tony Stark: They say that the best weapon is the one you never have to fire. I respectfully disagree. I prefer the weapon you only have to fire once. That's how Dad did it, that's how America does it, and it's worked out pretty well so far. I present to you the newest in Stark Industries' Freedom line. Find an excuse to let one of these off the chain, and I personally guarantee, the bad guys won't even wanna come out of their caves. Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration... the Jericho.
Tony Stark: What are you trying to get rid of me for? You got plans?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: As a matter of fact, I do.
Tony Stark: I don't like it when you have plans.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I'm allowed to have plans on my birthday.
Tony Stark: It's your birthday?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yes.
Tony Stark: I knew that. Already?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yeah, isn't that strange? It's the same day as last year.
Tony Stark: Well, get yourself something nice for me.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I already did.
Tony Stark: Yeah? And?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, it's very nice... very tasteful. Thank you, Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: You're welcome, Ms. Potts.
Rhodey: Oh, my God, you crazy son of a bitch! You owe me a plane, you know that, right?
Tony Stark: [chuckling] Yeah, well, technically he hit me, so...
Tony Stark: I feel like you're driving me to court martial. This is crazy. What did I do? I feel like you're gonna pull over and snuff me. What, you're not allowed to talk? Hey, Forrest!
Jimmy: We can talk, sir.
Tony Stark: Oh, I see. So it's personal.
Ramirez: No, you intimidate them.
Tony Stark: Good God, you're a woman! I honestly, I couldn't have called that. I mean, I would apologize, but isn't that what we're going for here? I thought of you as a soldier first.
Ramirez: I'm an airman.
Tony Stark: Well, you have actually excellent bone structure there. I'm kinda having a hard time not looking at you now. Is that weird?
Tony Stark: Hmmm. Your eyes are red. Tears for your long lost boss?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tears of joy. I hate job hunting.
Tony Stark: Yeah, well, vacation's over.
[Pepper is reaching into Tony's chest cavity]
Tony Stark: Okay now, the copper wire - you got it?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Yeah, I've got it.
Tony Stark: Now pull it out, gently, and just make sure you don't touch the s...
Tony Stark: AH! - i-i-i-des!
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Sorry, I'm sorry!
Tony Stark: Don't touch the sides, that's what I was trying to tell you before. Now, just gently pull that out, and whatever you do, don't pull out the...
[Pepper pulls out the end, Tony's heart monitors go off]
Tony Stark: The magnet at the end of it. See, that was it. You just...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What?
Tony Stark: What I was trying to tell you - no, don't put it back in! Just put it over there, we have to hurry...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What's wrong?
Tony Stark: Oh, nothing, I'm just going into cardiac arrest, because you...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: *What*? I thought you said this was safe!
Tony Stark: ...just yanked it out like a trout!
Yinsen: We met, you know, in a technical conference in Bern.
Tony Stark: I don't remember.
Yinsen: [chuckling] Of course not. If I had been that drunk, I wouldn't have been able to stand, let alone give a lecture on integrated circuits.
[Stark and Potts carry out an arc reactor transplant]
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Don't ever, ever, ever, ask me to do anything like that, ever again!
Tony Stark: I don't have anyone but you.
Jarvis: Yes. Shall I render using proposed specifications?
Tony Stark: Thrill me.
[as Jarvis works on the render, Tony watches benefit at the Disney Concert Hall on TV]
Jarvis: The render is complete.
Tony Stark: A little ostentatious, don't you think?
Jarvis: What was I thinking? You're usually so discreet.
Tony Stark: [gazes at a 1930s hotrod] Tell you what. Throw a little hotrod red in there.
Jarvis: Yes, that should help you keep a low profile. The render is complete.
Tony Stark: Hey, I like it. Fabricate it. Paint it.
Jarvis: Commencing automated assembly. Estimated completion time is five hours.
Tony Stark: [looks at his watch] Don't wait up for me, honey.
Rhodey: [seeing Stark in the Iron Man suit] That's the coolest thing I've ever seen.
Tony Stark: Not bad, huh?
[as he lies dying, Dummy hands Stark the Mark I arc reactor]
Tony Stark: Good boy...
[testing his rocket boots for the first time]
Tony Stark: Okay, let's do this right. Start mark, half a meter and to the right. Dummy, look alive, you're on standby for fire safety. You, roll it. Activate hand controls... okay, we're gonna start off nice and easy. See if 10% thrust capacity achieves lift. In three... two... one...
[He activates his rocket boots, which launch him right up into the ceiling, to crash back down. Dummy sprays him with extinguisher foam]
Tony Stark: [as Pepper is walking down the stairs] Hey. Ow,Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah Ah.
Jarvis: It is a tight fit sir.
Tony Stark: Hey, Ah.
Jarvis: Sir the more you struggle the more this is going to hurt
Tony Stark: Be gentle. This is my first time.
Tony Stark: I designed this to come off, so... hey. I really should be able to...
Jarvis: Please, try not to move sir.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Whats going on here?
Tony Stark: [pauses] Lets face it. This is not the worst thing you've caught me doing.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Are those bullet holes?
[after testing the suit's capabilities]
Tony Stark: Yeah, I can fly.
Jarvis: [while Tony is wearing the Mark II Armor] Test complete. Preparing to power down and begin diagnostics...
Tony Stark: Uh, yeah, tell you what. Do a weather and ATC check, start listening in on ground control.
Jarvis: Sir, there are still terabytes of calculations required before an actual flight is...
Tony Stark: Jarvis... sometimes you gotta run before you can walk.
Agent Phil Coulson: Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: Yeah?
Agent Phil Coulson: Agent Coulson.
Tony Stark: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, the guy from the...
Agent Phil Coulson: Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division.
Tony Stark: Whew! God, you really need a new name for that.
Agent Phil Coulson: Yeah, I hear that a lot.
Tony Stark: This looks important!
[rips out Iron Monger's optic cables]
[Abu Bakaar speaks to Tony]
Yinsen: [translating] He wants you to build the Jericho missile. He has everything you need here, he wants you to begin immediately. After it is completed, he will set you free.
[Abu Bakaar smiles and holds out his hand. Tony smiles and shakes it]
Tony Stark: [still smiling] No, he won't.
Yinsen: [also smiling] No, he won't.
[Tony emerges from the cave wearing the Mark I armour. The terrorists yell and open fire, but their bullets just bounce off the suit. Eventually they stop shooting]
Tony Stark: My turn.
[unleashes his flamethrowers]
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [upon seeing Stark wearing a machine around his arm] I thought you said you were done making weapons?
Tony Stark: It isn't. This is a flight stabilizer. It's completely harmless.
[Stark is blasted back by the force of the machine]
Tony Stark: I didn't expect that.
Yinsen: Did you see that? Those are YOUR weapons... in the hands of those murderers! Is this what you want? Is this what you wish the legacy of the great Tony Stark to be?
Tony Stark: I shouldn't do anything. They could kill you, they're gonna kill me, either way, and even if they don't, I'll probably be dead in a week.
Yinsen: Then this is a very important week for you, isn't it?
[Tony is going into cardiac arrest]
Tony Stark: We have to hurry. Take this, take this...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Okay, okay...
Tony Stark: Now you have to take this wire and attach it to the base plate, there.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Okay... Tony?
Tony Stark: What?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, it's gonna be okay.
Tony Stark: Is it?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It's gonna be okay. I-I am gonna make this okay.
Tony Stark: Let's hope.
[She reaches in again and hooks up the new heart machine - CLICK!]
Tony Stark: YAAA-OOOOOW...!
Tony Stark: Was that so hard? That was fun, right?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You are supposed to be halfway around the world by now.
Tony Stark: How'd she take it?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Like a champ.
Tony Stark: Why are you trying to hustle me out of here?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Your flight was scheduled to leave an hour and a half ago.
Tony Stark: It's funny, I though with it being my plane and all that it would just wait for me.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, I need to speak to you about a couple of things before I get you out...
Tony Stark: I mean, doesn't it kind of defeat the whole purpose of having your own plane if it departs before you arrive?
Tony Stark: [toasting after giving a weapon's demonstration] To Peace.
Tony Stark: Where'd you get that dress?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It was a birthday present... from you, actually.
Tony Stark: I got great taste, don't I? You, uh, wanna dance?
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Oh, no, thank you.
Tony Stark: [leading her to the dance floor] All right, come on.
Rhodey: [answering his phone during the attack on Iron Man] Hello.
Tony Stark: Hi, Rhodey, its me.
Rhodey: It's who?
Tony Stark: Oh, I'm sorry, it is ME. You asked. What your asking about, it's me.
Rhodey: No, you see, this isn't a game. You do not send civilian equipment into my active war zone. You understand that?
Tony Stark: It's not a piece of equipment, I'm in it! Its a suit! It's ME!
Tony Stark: [to Jimmy, who's raising his hand] You're kidding me with the hand up, right?
Jimmy: Is it cool if I take a picture with you?
Tony Stark: Yes, it's very cool.
[Jimmy hands Pratt his camera and poses with a peace sign]
Tony Stark: I don't want to see this on your myspace page. Please no gang signs.
[Jimmy lowers hand]
Tony Stark: No, throw it up. I'm kidding. Yeah, peace. I love peace. I'd be out of a job for peace.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Will that be all, Mr. Stark?
Tony Stark: Yes, that will be all, Miss. Potts.
Tony Stark: [seeing wires running out of his chest] What the hell did you do to me?
Yinsen: What I did is to save your life. That is an electromagnet, hooked up to a car battery. I removed as much shrapnel from your chest as I could, but there are still some pieces left. I've seen plenty of injuries like that. In my village we call those casualties "the walking dead," because they take about a week to reach your heart.
Tony Stark: If I were Iron Man, I'd have this girlfriend who knew my true identity. She'd be a wreck. She'd always be worrying I was going to die, yet so proud of the man I've become. She'd be wildly conflicted, which would only make her more crazy about me...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [about Stark's old arc reactor] What do you want me to do with this?
Tony Stark: That? Destroy it. Incinerate it.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You don't want to keep it?
Tony Stark: Pepper, I've been called many things. Nostalgic is not one of them.
Tony Stark: I never got to say goodbye to my father. There's questions I would've asked him. I would've asked him how he felt about what his company did, if he was conflicted, if he ever had doubts. Or maybe he was every inch of man we remember from the newsreels. I saw young Americans killed by the very weapons I created to defend them and protect them. And I saw that I had become part of a system that is comfortable with zero-accountability.
Press Reporter #1: Mr. Stark! What happened over there?
Tony Stark: I had my eyes opened. I came to realize that I had more to offer this world than just making things that blow up. And that is why, effective immediately, I am shutting down the weapons manufacturing division of Stark Industries.
Tony Stark: Give me a scotch. I'm starving.
Yinsen: That doesn't look like the Jericho missile.
Tony Stark: That's because it is a miniaturized arc reactor. I've got a big one powering my factory at home.
Yinsen: What will it generate?
Tony Stark: If my math is right - and it always is - three gigajoules per second.
Yinsen: [amazed] That could run your heart for fifty lifetimes!
Tony Stark: Yeah... or something big for fifteen minutes.
Tony Stark: [a hole in his chest] I just want you to reach in, and gently lift the wire out.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Is it safe?
Tony Stark: Yeah. It should be fine. It's just like Operation, just don't let it touch the socket.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: What do you mean, Operation?
Tony Stark: It's just a game, never mind. Just gently lift the wire, okay? All right...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: You know, I... uh... I don't think that I'm qualified to do that.
Tony Stark: No, no. You're fine. You are the most capable, qualified, trustworthy person I've ever met, you'll do great. Is it too much to ask? 'Cause I really need your help here.
Rhodey: Hey Tony.
Tony Stark: I'm sorry. This is the fun-vee. The hum-drum-vee is back there.
Rhodey: [talking over phone] What the hell is that noise?
Tony Stark: I'm driving with the top down.
Rhodey: Well, I need your help right now.
Tony Stark: Funny how that works, huh?
Rhodey: Yeah. Speaking of funny, we got a weapons depot that was just blown up a few klicks from where you were being held.
Tony Stark: Well, I'd say that's a hot spot. Sounds...
[takes a breath]
Tony Stark: ...sounds like someone stepped in and did your job for you.
Rhodey: Why do you sound out of breath?
Tony Stark: I'm not. I was just jogging in the canyon.
Rhodey: I thought you were driving.
Tony Stark: Right, I was driving... to the canyon... where I'm gonna jog.
Rhodey: You sure you don't have any tech in that area I should know about?
Tony Stark: Nope.
[Two F-22s rise behind Iron Man]
Rhodey: Good, because I'm looking at something right now and we're about to blow it to kingdom come.
Blonde Girl: Tony! Remember me?
Tony Stark: [walking by] Sure don't.
Rhodey: [standing by Stark's airplane] Three hours! Three hours you've kept me standing here!
Tony Stark: [walking past him] Waiting on you now.
[Everhart shows Stark some photos]
Christine Everheart: [disgusted at Stark's evident hypocrisy] Is this what you call accountability?
[Stark looks at photos of Stark Industries weapons in Afghanistan]
Tony Stark: When were these taken?
Christine Everheart: Yesterday.
Tony Stark: I didn't authorize this.
Christine Everheart: Well, your company did.
Tony Stark: Well I'm not my company!
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: [fumbling inside Stark's chest] Oh... ah... EWW, there's pus!
Tony Stark: It's not pus. It's an inorganic plasmic discharge. It's from the device, not my body.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: It smells!
Tony Stark: Yeah, it does.
[accidentally burning his restored car collection by hovering above them]
Tony Stark: Okay, this is where I don't want to be.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Tony, you have to go to the hospital. The doctor has to look at you.
Tony Stark: I don't have to do anything. I've been in captivity for three months. There are two things I want to do. One, I want an American cheeseburger, and the other...
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: That's enough of that.
Tony Stark: It's not what you think. I want you to call for a press conference.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Call for a press conference? What on earth for?
Tony Stark: Hogan, drive. Cheeseburger first.
Tony Stark: [after crash-landing in the desert] Not bad.
Tony Stark: [pats someone on the back] Looking great, Hef.
[the man turns around, and it's actually Stan Lee]
Tony Stark: Why aren't you wearing those pajamas I got you?
Obadiah Stane: Good night, Tony...
Tony Stark: [after losing $3 million at craps] What's better, winning all that money or not caring about it?
Christine Everheart: [at the Firefighter's Family Fund Benefit] Well, Tony Stark!
Tony Stark: [awkwardly] Oh, hey.
Christine Everheart: Fancy seeing you here.
Tony Stark: [tries to remember] Carrie.
Christine Everheart: Christine.
Tony Stark: That's right.
Christine Everheart: You have a lot of nerve showing up here tonight. Can I at least get a reaction from you?
Tony Stark: Panic. I would say panic is my reaction.
Christine Everheart: I was referring to your company's involvement in this latest atrocity.
Tony Stark: Yeah, they just put my name on the invitation, I don't know what to tell you.
Pratt: Is it true that you went twelve-for-twelve with the Maxim Girls last year?
Tony Stark: That is an excellent question. Yes and no. March and I had a scheduling conflict but fortunately the Christmas cover was twins.
Tony Stark: [Tony and Rhodey are on Tony's elaborate plane sitting at a table. Rhodey is reading a newspaper] Whatcha readin'... platypus?
Tony Stark: Come on sour patch.
Rhodey: I told you I'm not sour...
Tony Stark: ...don't be mad...
Rhodey: ...i'm not mad, i'm indifferent, ok.
Tony Stark: I said I was sorry.
Rhodey: You don't need to apologize to me cause I'm not mad.
Stewardess: Good morning Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: [addressing the stewardess] Hi, I said I was sorry.
Rhodey: ...i'm just indifferent right now.
Stewardess: [to Tony] Hot towel?
Rhodey: You don't respect yourself so I know you don't respect me...
Tony Stark: ...I respect you...
Tony Stark: ...so I'm just your baby sitter. so when you need your diaper changed
[receives a hot towel from the stewardess]
Tony Stark: thank you
Tony Stark: let me know and I'll get you a bottle, ok?
Tony Stark: Hey! Heat up the saki will ya? Thanks for reminding me.
Rhodey: I'm not talkin about a... we're not drinking we're working right now.
Rhodey: You are institutionally incapable of being responsible.
Tony Stark: It would be irresponsible NOT to drink. I'm just talking about a night cap here.
Stewardess: Hot saki?
Tony Stark: Yes, 2 please.
Rhodey: No... just... I'm not drinking. I don't want any.
Rhodey: [queue to a scene where dancey lounge music is playing and Rhodey and Tony are drinking as a stripper pole comes out of the floor for the stewardesses to dance around] That's what I'm talking about, when I get up in the morning and I'm puttin on my uniform you know what I recognize? I see in the mirror that every person with this uniform on, GOT MY BACK!
Tony Stark: you know, i'm not... i'm not... like you... aren't you just a little distracted right now?
Rhodey: you don't have to be like me, but you can be more and you just don't see it. No I can't be distracted right now!
Tony Stark: Attitude control is a little sluggish above 15,000 meters, I'm guessing icing is the probable cause.
Jarvis: A very astute observation, sir. Perhaps, if you intend to visit other planets, we should improve the exosystems.
Tony Stark: Connect to the sys. co. Have it reconfigure the shell metals. Use the gold titanium alloy from the seraphim tactical satellite. That should ensure a fuselage integrity while while maintaining power-to-weight ratio. Got it?
Tony Stark: [rolling a 6 and 5] Sheesh o besh.
Yinsen: Good roll.
Tony Stark: [playing Craps] We're gonna let it ride! Give me a hand, will you? Give me a little something-something.
[woman blows on his dice]
Tony Stark: Okay, you too.
Rhodey: I don't blow on a man's dice.
Tony Stark: Come on, honey bear.
[Rhodey taps Tony hand causing him to roll the dice]
Tony Stark: There it is. Lieutenant Colonel Rhodes rolls! And...
Dealer at Craps Table: Two craps. Line away.
Rhodey: That's what happens.
Tony Stark: Worse things have happened.
[Stark's car, the winner of a race, arrives at the airport]
Tony Stark: I thought I lost you back there!
Hogan: You did, sir.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: I would like a vodka martini, please.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Virginia 'Pepper' Potts: Very dry, with olives, a lot of olives. Like, at least three olives.
Tony Stark: [to bartender] Two vodka martinis, extra dry, extra olives, extra... fast.
Tony Stark: How'd it go?
[Stark sees a pizza box on the table]
Tony Stark: Oh, that bad, huh?
Obadiah Stane: Just because I brought pizza back from New York doesn't mean it went bad.
Tony Stark: [explaining to Jim Rhodes as to why he was late for his plane] I got stuck doing a piece for Vanity Fair.
[during the attack by the Ten Rings]
Tony Stark: Gimme a gun! Gimme a gun!
[testing the Mark II armor]
Tony Stark: Okay, let's see what this thing can do. What's SR-71's record?
Jarvis: The altitude record for fixed wing flight is 85,000 feet, sir.
Tony Stark: Records are made to be broken! Come on!
Tony Stark: I think you got a lot of my weapons.
Tony Stark: So, uhh, who's home?
Harley Keener: Well, my mom already left for the diner, and dad went to 7-Eleven to get scratchers... I guess he won, 'cause that was six years ago.
Tony Stark: Hmm... which happens, dads leave, no need to be a pussy about it, here's what I need...
Tony Stark: A laptop, a digital watch, a cell phone, the pneumatic actuator from your bazooka over there, a map of town, a big spring, and a tuna fish sandwich.
Harley Keener: What's in it for me?
Tony Stark: Salvation. What's his name?
Harley Keener: Who?
Tony Stark: The kid that bullies you at school. What's his name?
Harley Keener: How'd you know that?
Tony Stark: I got just the thing.
[Stark ejects a flare canister from one of Mark 42's panels]
Tony Stark: This is a piñata for a cricket. I'm kidding, it's a very powerful weapon. Point it away from your face, press the button on top. It discourages bullying. Non-lethal, just to cover one's ass. Deal. Deal? What'd you say?
[Stark tries to make Harley grab the canister]
Harley Keener: Deal.
[Stark gives Harley the canister]
Tony Stark: What's your name?
Harley Keener: Harley. And you're...
Tony Stark: The mechanic. Tony.
Tony Stark: You know what keeps going through my head? Where's my sandwich?
Tony Stark: [narrates] My armor was never a distraction or a hobby, it was a cocoon, and now I'm a changed man. You can take away my house, all my tricks and toys, but one thing you can't take away - I am Iron Man.
Harley Keener: Admit it, you need me. We're connected.
Tony Stark: What I need is for you to go home, be with your mom, keep your trap shut, guard the suit, and stay connected to the telephone, 'cause if I call you, you better pick up.
Tony Stark: [about to get in car] Can you feel that? We're done here. Move out of the way or I'm gonna run you over. Bye, kid.
[Tony gets in car, but Harley continues to stand next to it. Tony rolls down window]
Tony Stark: I'm sorry, kid, you did good.
Harley Keener: So you're just gonna leave me here? Like my dad?
Tony Stark: [Casually] Yeah.
[Tony pauses again]
Tony Stark: Wait, you're guilt tripping me aren't you?
[Harley buries head in coat]
Harley Keener: [Innocently] I'm cold.
Tony Stark: [Mimicking Harley] I can tell. You know how I can tell?
Tony Stark: [Sarcastically] Cause' we're connected!
[Tony drives away]
Harley Keener: [Normal voice] It was worth a shot.
Jarvis: Mark 42 inbound.
[Stark sees the MK42 armor flying toward the battlefield]
Tony Stark: I'll be damned. The prodigal son returns.
[Stark summons Mark 42 to come to him, but it hits a pole and breaks into pieces]
Tony Stark: Whatever.
Aldrich Killian: You really didn't deserve her, Tony. It's a pity. I was so close to having her... perfect.
[jumps down to confront Tony]
Tony Stark: OK, OK, wait, wait, slow down, slow down! You're right... I don't deserve her. Here's where you're wrong: she was already perfect.
[Stark summons the Mark 42 pieces to assemble on Killian and attach him against the wall]
Tony Stark: Jarvis, do me a favor and blow Mark 42.
Aldrich Killian: NOOO!
[the suit explodes]
Tony Stark: I'm Tony Stark. I build neat stuff, got a great girl, occasionally save the world. So why can't I sleep?
Pepper Potts: I'm taking a shower.
Tony Stark: Okay.
Pepper Potts: And you're gonna join me.
Tony Stark: Better.
Brandt: Is that all you've got? A cheap trick and a cheesy one-liner?
Tony Stark: Sweetheart, that could be the name of my autobiography.
[blows up Brandt]
[Tony tries to embrace Pepper]
Pepper Potts: Don't!
Tony Stark: It's okay...
Pepper Potts: I'm hot, I'll hurt you!
Tony Stark: [touches Pepper] No, you won't. See? Not hot.
Pepper Potts: Am I going to be okay?
Tony Stark: No. You're in a relationship with me, nothing will ever be okay. But I had this twenty years ago when I was drunk, I can sort it out. I fix stuff.
Pepper Potts: Who's the hot mess now?
[a call-back to Tony's early statement to Pepper that he was a "piping hot mess."]
Tony Stark: That's debatable. But you look great like this, the repulsor and the sports bra...
Pepper Potts: I think I understand why you don't want to give up the suits. What have I got to complain about now?
Tony Stark: Well, it's me. You'll find something.
[Pepper uses a repulsor on Killian]
Tony Stark: Honey?
Pepper Potts: Oh my god... that was really violent...
[Stark sits down and attempts to remove the microchips from his left forearm when Harley suddenly appears at the front door, aiming his potato gun at him]
Harley Keener: Freeze!
[Stark drops the pliers]
Harley Keener: Don't... move!
Tony Stark: [Raises hands] You got me.
[Stark looks at the potato gun]
Tony Stark: Nice potato gun. Barrel's a little long. Between that and the wide gauge, it's going to diminish your FPS...
[Harley shoots a bottle off a column]
Tony Stark: And now you're out of ammo.
Harley Keener: What's that thing on your chest?
Tony Stark: It's a... electromagnet. You should know. You've got a box of them right here.
[points at box on table]
Harley Keener: What does it power?
[Stark points the table lamp toward the Mark 42 armor sitting on the couch]
Harley Keener: Oh my God!
[Harley approaches suit]
Harley Keener: That's... is that... Iron Man?
Tony Stark: Technically, I am Iron Man.
Harley Keener: Technically, you're dead.
[Harley hands Stark a newspaper with the headline of the destruction of Stark's mansion]
Tony Stark: Valid point.
Harley Keener: What happened to him?
Tony Stark: Life. I built him. I take care of him. I'll fix him.
Harley Keener: Like a mechanic?
Tony Stark: Yeah.
Tony Stark: [about their earlier encounter in Switzerland] Please don't tell me there's a 12-year-old kid in the car that I've never met.
Maya Hansen: He's 13.
Maya Hansen: No, I need your help.
Tony Stark: I'm gonna find a heavy-duty comm sat now, I need your login.
Colonel James Rhodes: It's same as it's always been, "WarMachine68."
Tony Stark: And a password, please.
Colonel James Rhodes: Well, look, I gotta change it every time you hack in, Tony.
Tony Stark: It's not the '80s, nobody says "hack" anymore. Give me your login.
Colonel James Rhodes: "WAR MACHINE ROX" with an "X," all caps.
Tony Stark: [laughs]
Colonel James Rhodes: Yeah, okay.
Tony Stark: That is so much better than "Iron Patriot."
Colonel James Rhodes: Are you okay?
Tony Stark: I broke the crayon.
Operator: Stark Secure Server: now transferring to all known receivers.
Tony Stark: Pepper, it's me. I've got a lot of apologies to make and not a lot of time, so... first off. I'm so sorry I put you in harm's way. That was selfish and stupid and it won't happen again. Also, it's Christmas time. The rabbit's too big. Done. Sorry. And I'm sorry in advance because... I can't come home yet.
Tony Stark: I need to find this guy. You gotta stay safe. That's all I know. I just stole a poncho from a wooden Indian.
[Tony seals Pepper in the Mark 42 armor, then she saves him from falling debris]
Pepper Potts: I got you!
Tony Stark: I got you first!
Tony Stark: [Narrates] A famous man once said, 'We create our own demons.' Who said that? What does that even mean? Doesn't matter. I said it 'cause he said it. So now, he was famous and that basically getting said by two well-known guys. I don't, uh... I'm gonna start again.
Tony Stark: Let's track this from the beginning.
Harley Keener: If I was building Iron Man and War Machine...
Tony Stark: It's Iron Patriot now.
Harley Keener: That's way cooler!
Tony Stark: No it's not.
Harley Keener: Anyways, I would have added in, um, the retro...
Tony Stark: Retro-reflective panels?
Harley Keener: To make him stealth mode.
Tony Stark: You want a stealth mode.
Harley Keener: Cool, right?
Tony Stark: That's actually a good idea. Maybe I'll build one.
[Harley accidentally breaks off one of Mark 42's fingers]
Tony Stark: Not a good idea.
Harley Keener: Oops.
Tony Stark: What are you doing? You gonna break his finger? He's in pain. He's been injured. Leave him alone.
Harley Keener: S-sorry.
Tony Stark: Are you?
Tony Stark: Don't worry about it. I'll fix it.
[after credits, Bruce Banner awakes]
Tony Stark: I'm sorry, did I disturb your selective napping?
Bruce Banner: I'm sorry, I'm not that kind of doctor. It's not my department.
Tony Stark: Your training?
Bruce Banner: My temperament.
Tony Stark: [to Pepper] Things are different now, I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you.
Pepper Potts: ...and all your distractions?
Tony Stark: Uh, I'm going to shave them down a bit...
Tony Stark: Jarvis. Hey.
Jarvis: All wrapped up here, sir. Will there be anything else?
Tony Stark: You know what to do.
Jarvis: The Clean Slate Protocol, sir?
Tony Stark: Screw it, it's Christmas! Yes, yes!
[One by one the suits explode]
Tony Stark: [embraces Pepper] OK so far? You like it?
Pepper Potts: [crying] It'll do.
Savin: You think you're so smart?
Tony Stark: That's the thing about smart guys: we cover our asses!
Tony Stark: [after blasting a hole through Savin's chest] Walk away from that, you son of a bitch.
Colonel James Rhodes: This is how you've been managing your downtime, huh?
Tony Stark: Everybody needs a hobby.
[catching eleven freefalling passengers]
Tony Stark: Remember that game, Barrel of Monkeys? This is how it is: we got to catch all the monkeys!
Jarvis: Sir, I think I need to sleep now...
Tony Stark: Jarvis! Jarvis? Don't leave me, buddy...
Trevor Slattery: Ah, well, I had a little problem with... substances, and I, uh, ended up doing things, no two ways about it, in the street, that a man shouldn't do...
Tony Stark: Next?
Trevor Slattery: Then, they approached me about the role, and they knew about the drugs...
Tony Stark: What did they say, they'd get you off them?
Trevor Slattery: Said they'd give me more!
Tony Stark: Stop stopping!
Tony Stark: A bomb is not a bomb when it's a misfire.
[Stark enters the Mandarin's bedroom. He uncovers the bedsheet, only to find two women. He motions them to be silent before sneaking behind the bed when he hears the toilet flush. The Mandarin exits the bathroom]
Trevor Slattery: I wouldn't go in there for 20 minutes!
Trevor Slattery: So which one of you is Vanessa?
[Vanessa raises her hand]
Trevor Slattery: Ah, Nessie!
[Throws fortune cookie to her]
Trevor Slattery: Did you know that fortune cookies aren't Chinese? They're American, based on a Japanese recipe.
Vanessa: There's some guy over here...
[Stark suddenly appears, pointing a gun at The Mandarin]
Tony Stark: Freeze!
Trevor Slattery: [Raises hands] Oh bloody hell.
[Stark approaches his car, flanked by news reporter. One videographer behind him points his smartphone at him]
Videographer: Hey Mr. Stark. When is somebody going to kill this guy? Just sayin'.
[Stark turns around to face the videographer]
Tony Stark: Is that what you want?
Tony Stark: Here's a little Holiday greeting I've been wanting to send to the Mandarin. I just didn't know how to phrase it until now. My name is Tony Stark and I'm not afraid of you. I know you're a coward, so I decided... that you just died, pal. I'm gonna come get the body. There's no politics here, it's just good old-fashioned revenge. There's no Pentagon. It's just you and me. And on the off-chance you're a man, here's my home address: 10880 Malibu Point, 90265. I'll leave the door unlocked. That's what you wanted, right?
[Stark grabs the smartphone and throws it against a column before entering his car]
Tony Stark: Bill me.
Tony Stark: [to little boy] I loved you in "A Christmas Story," by the way.
Tony Stark: See what happens when you hang out with my ex-girlfriends?
Pepper Potts: You are such a jerk!
[the Marks 8-41 arrive at the oil rig to surround the Extremis soldiers]
Tony Stark: Jarvis, target Extremis heat signatures. Disable with extreme prejudice.
Jarvis: [echoing through the suits] Yes, sir.
Colonel James Rhodes: We couldn't save the President with the suit, how are we going to save Pepper with nothing?
Tony Stark: Uh... say, Jarvis? Is it that time?
Jarvis: The House Party Protocol, sir?
Tony Stark: Correct.
[the suits activate]
Colonel James Rhodes: Give me a suit.
[holds out arms]
Tony Stark: Sorry, they're only coded to me. Don't worry, I got you covered.
[a suit approaches Rhodey]
Jarvis: Good evening, Colonel. Can I give you a lift?
Colonel James Rhodes: Very funny.
[from TV spot]
Tony Stark: [suits up] You know, it's moments like these when I realize how much of a superhero I am.
Pepper Potts: Wow!
Tony Stark: It's Christmas. Take 'em to Church.
Tony Stark: I miss you, Happy.
Happy Hogan: Yeah, I miss you, too. But the way it used to be. Now you're off with the super-friends. I don't know what's going on with you, anymore. The world's getting weird.
Tony Stark: [narrates] Some people say progress is a bad thing. But try having a magnet in your chest keeping you alive.
Tony Stark: Think about it. Six dead. Only five shadows.
Harley Keener: Yeah, people said these shadows are like the marks of souls going to heaven. Except the bomb guy. He went to hell, on account of he didn't get a shadow. That's why there's only five.
Tony Stark: You buy that?
Harley Keener: It's what everyone says.
Happy Hogan: You know, look... I got a real job. What do you want? I'm working. I've got something going on, here.
Tony Stark: What, harassing interns?
Happy Hogan: Let me tell you something. Do you know what happened when I told everyone I was Iron Man's bodyguard? They would laugh in my face. I had to leave while I still had a shred of dignity. Now I got a real job. I'm watching Pepper.
Aldrich Killian: [about to Extremis-punch Stark] Close your eyes. You don't want to see this happening.
[brings down his fist... ]
Tony Stark: [cuts off Killian's hand] Yeah, be with you in a minute...
Tony Stark: [to Happy, who is pointing his tablet video-call camera too high, catching only the top half of his face] Is this the forehead of security?
Tony Stark: [narrates] I thought things couldn't get any worse... then I turned on the TV. That's when he happened.
[Stark hurls a piano at a copter]
Tony Stark: That's one!
Tony Stark: [to Brandt] You walked right into this one. I've dated hotter chicks than you.
Ho Yinsen: Mr. Stark. Ho Yinsen.
Tony Stark: Ah, I finally met a man called "Ho." Come here.
Ho Yinsen: I would like to introduce you to our guest, Dr. Wu.
Tony Stark: Oh, this guy. Hey.
Doctor Wu: Mr. Stark.
Tony Stark: You're a heart doctor.
[points to Maya]
Tony Stark: She's going to need a cardiologist after I...
[honks party horn and leaves with Maya]
Maya Hansen: Bye.
Ho Yinsen: Perhaps another time?
Tony Stark: [to Ms. Davis] Your son didn't kill those people. He's not a murderer. He was used.
Tony Stark: Nothing's been the same since New York.
Pepper Potts: Oh, really? I didn't notice that at all.
Tony Stark: You experience things and then they're over, and you still can't explain them. Gods, aliens, other dimensions. I'm just a man in a can. The only reason I haven't cracked up is probably because you moved in. Which is great. I love you. I'm lucky. But honey, I can't sleep. You go to bed, I come down here. I do what I know. I tinker. I... Threat is imminent. And I have to protect the one thing that I can't live without. That's you. And my suits, they're, uh... Machines. They're part of me.
[Hansen's plant explodes]
Happy Hogan: I'm coming! I got you!
[throws himself on Tony]
Maya Hansen: It's okay, it was the plant! It's a glitch in my work.
Tony Stark: [to Hogan] Please, stop riding me!
[the Iron Legion arrives]
Tony Stark: [to Rhodey] Merry Christmas, buddy.
The Mandarin: My soldiers are coming. NOTHING can save you!
Tony Stark: We'll see about that.
[from TV spot]
Tony Stark: I'm here on a mission: fighting back.
Colonel James Rhodes: [sees Trevor] THIS is the Mandarin?
Tony Stark: I know, right? It's embarrassing!
Aldrich Killian: No more false faces... You said you wanted the Mandarin? You're looking right at him! It was always me, Tony, right from the start! I AM THE MANDARIN!
[Pepper, glowing with Extremis, swats him away with a pole and looks at Tony, who thought she was dead]
Tony Stark: I got nothing.
Agent Coulson: [holding up the Captain America shield] Where did you get this? Do you have any idea what this is?
Tony Stark: *That*... is exactly what I need!
[takes shield, shoves it under coil, measures with carpenter's level]
Tony Stark: There, see? Perfectly level.
Senator Stern: My priority is to get the Iron Man weapon turned over to the people of the United States of America.
Tony Stark: Well, you can forget it. I am Iron Man. The suit and I are one. To turn over the Iron Man suit would be to turn over myself, which is tantamount to indentured servitude or prostitution, depending on what state you're in. You can't have it.
Senator Stern: Look, I'm no expert...
Tony Stark: In prostitution? Of course not, you're a senator. Come on!
Tony Stark: [reading from Natascha's SHIELD Report on Iron Man/Tony Stark]
Tony Stark: Mr. Stark displays textbook... narcissism.
Tony Stark: [Stark stares at Nick Fury, who simply stares at him back] ... Agreed.
Ivan Vanko: You come from a family of thieves and butchers, and like all guilty men, you try to rewrite your history, to forget all the lives the Stark family has destroyed.
Tony Stark: Speaking of thieves, where'd you get this design? You look like you have friends in low places.
Ivan Vanko: My father, Anton Vanko.
Tony Stark: Never heard of him.
Ivan Vanko: My father is the reason you're alive.
Tony Stark: No, the reason I'm alive is because you made a shot, and you missed.
Ivan Vanko: [laughs] If you could make God bleed, people would cease to believe in Him. There will be blood in the water, the sharks will come. All I have to do is sit back and watch as the world consumes you.
Tony Stark: Where will you be watching the world consume me from? Oh, that's right, a prison cell. I'll send you a bar of soap.
Tony Stark: [to Nick Fury regarding "The Avengers" initiative] I told you I don't want to join your super-secret boy band.
Natalie Rushman: I'm surprised you can keep your mouth shut.
Tony Stark: God, you're good. You are mind-blowingly close to this. How do you do it? You're a triple impostor, I've never seen anything like it. Is there anything real about you? Do you even speak Latin?
Natalie Rushman: Fallaces sunt rerum species.
Tony Stark: Which means? Wait, what did you just say?
Natalie Rushman: It means you can either drive yourself home or I can have you collected.
[the Senate committee tries to get Stark's attention while he is making flirty faces with Pepper Potts]
Senator Stern: [finally getting his attention] Mr. Stark!
Tony Stark: Yes, dear?
Tony Stark: [about Natalie Rushman] Who is she?
Pepper Potts: She is from legal and she is potentially a very expensive sexual harassment lawsuit if you keep ogling her like that.
Tony Stark: [Puts new arc-reacter in chestpiece] Wow!
Tony Stark: That tastes like coconut... and metal!
Senator Stern: I think we're done with the point that he's making. I don't think there's any reason...
Tony Stark: The point is you're welcome, I guess.
Senator Stern: For what?
Tony Stark: Because I'm your nuclear deterrent. It's working. We're safe. America is secure. You want my property? You can't have it. But I did you a big favor.
[stands and turns to face the Senate]
Tony Stark: I've successfully privatized world peace. What more do you want? For now! I tried to play ball with these ass-clowns.
Senator Stern: [Bleep] ... you, Mr. Stark.
Senator Stern: [Bleep] ... you, buddy.
Tony Stark: [The strawberry vendor hands strawberries to Tony who's in his car] I don't like people handing me things just put it down there.
Strawberry Vendor: Aren't you Iron Man?
Tony Stark: [Driving off] Sometimes.
[Natalie Rushman walks in dressed as the Black Widow]
Tony Stark: Huh! You're... fired.
Natasha Romanoff: That's not up to you.
[only in trailer]
Tony Stark: [about to jump out of a plane] Okay, give me a smooch for good luck, I might not make it back!
[Instead, Pepper kisses the "lips" of Stark's helmet and throws it out of the plane]
Pepper Potts: Go get 'em, boss!
Tony Stark: [diving after the helmet] You complete me!
Tony Stark: You know, the question I get asked most often is, "Tony, how do you go to the bathroom in the suit?"
[pauses with eyes closed]
Tony Stark: Just like that.
Tony Stark: How do you spell your name, Natalie?
Natalie Rushman: R-U-S-H-M-A-N.
Pepper Potts: What, are you Googling her now?
Tony Stark: I thought I was ogling her?
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: *I* think it's weird. You look like two seals fighting over a grape.
Tony Stark: Hey, you weren't supposed to be listening to that. Get lost.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: I was here first. Get a roof.
Natalie Rushman: Well done with the new chest piece. I'm reading significantly higher output and your vitals all look promising.
Tony Stark: Yes, for the moment, I'm not dying. Thank you.
Pepper Potts: [overhears] What do you mean you're not dying? Did you just say you're dying?
Tony Stark: Is that you? No, I'm not. Not anymore.
Pepper Potts: What's going on?
Tony Stark: I was going to tell you, I didn't want you to alarm you
Pepper Potts: [interrupts] You were going to tell me? You really were dying?
Tony Stark: You didn't let me.
Pepper Potts: Why didn't you tell me that?
Tony Stark: I was going to make you an omelet and tell you.
Natalie Rushman: Hey, hey. Save it for the honeymoon. You got incoming, Tony. Looks like the fight's coming to you.
Tony Stark: Great. Pepper?
Pepper Potts: Are you okay now?
Tony Stark: I'm fine. Don't be mad, I will formally apologize...
Pepper Potts: I am mad!
Tony Stark: ...when I'm not fending off a Hammeroid attack.
Pepper Potts: Fine.
Tony Stark: We could've been in Venice.
Pepper Potts: Oh, please.
Nick Fury: That thing in your chest is based on unfinished technology...
Tony Stark: No, it's finished - it's just never been particularly effective until I miniaturized it and put it in my...
Nick Fury: No, Howard said the arc reactor was a stepping stone to something greater. He was about to kick off an energy race that was going to dwarf the arms race. He was on to something big, something so big it was going to make the arc reactor look like a triple-A battery.
Tony Stark: Just him, or was Anton Vanko in on this?
Nick Fury: Anton Vanko was the other side of that coin - Anton saw it as a way to get rich, and when your father found out he had him deported. When the russians found out he couldn't deliver they shipped his ass of to Siberia. He spent the next twenty years in a vodka-fueled rage, not quite the environment you'd want to raise a kid in - the son you had the misfortune of crossing paths with in Monaco.
Nick Fury: You've been very busy. You made your girl your CEO, you're giving away all your stuff. You let your friend fly away with your suit. Now, if I know better...
Tony Stark: [interrupts] You don't know better. I didn't give it to him. He took it.
Nick Fury: Whoa, whoa, whoa. He took it? You're Iron Man and he just took it? The little brother walked in there, kicked your ass and took your suit? Is that possible?
Natasha Romanoff: Well, according to Mr. Stark's database security guidelines, there are redundancies to prevent unauthorized usage.
Tony Stark: What do you want from me?
Nick Fury: What do we want from you? Uh-uh. What do you want from me? You have become a problem, a problem I have to deal with. Contrary to your belief, you are not the center of my universe. I have bigger problems in the southwest region to deal with. Hit him!
[Natalia injects Tony in his neck]
Tony Stark: [groans] Oh God, are you gonna steal my kidney and sell it? Could you please not do anything awful for five seconds? What did she just do to me?
Nick Fury: What did we just do *for* you? That's lithium dioxide. It's gonna take the edge off. We're trying to get you back to work.
Tony Stark: Give me a couple boxes of that. I'll be right as rain.
Natasha Romanoff: It's not a cure, it just abates the symptoms.
Nick Fury: Doesn't look like it's gonna be an easy fix.
Pepper Potts: Have you been drinking?
Tony Stark: Chlorophyll.
Tony Stark: [puts down a disgusting-looking dish]
Pepper Potts: What is that?
Tony Stark: This is your in-flight meal.
Pepper Potts: Did you just make that?
Tony Stark: Yeah. Where do you think I've been for three hours?
Tony Stark: I'm not saying I'm responsible for this country's longest run of uninterrupted peace in 35 years! I'm not saying that from the ashes of captivity, never has a Phoenix metaphor been more personified! I'm not saying Uncle Sam can kick back on a lawn chair, sipping on an iced tea, because I haven't come across anyone man enough to go toe to toe with me on my best day! It's not about me. It's not about you, either. It's about legacy, the legacy left behind for future generations. It's not about us!
Happy Hogan: Anything else, boss?
Tony Stark: I'm good, Hap.
Pepper Potts: No, I'll be just... another minute.
Tony Stark: I lost both the kids in the divorce.
Tony Stark: What's on the docket?
Natalie Rushman: You have a 9:30 dinner.
Tony Stark: Perfect. I'll be there at 11.
[Tony makes an explosive entrance at the Stark Expo]
Fan in crowd: Blow something up!
Tony Stark: What? Blow something up? I already did that.
Tony Stark: Well, then, you must have known my father better than I did.
Nick Fury: As a matter of fact, I did. He was one of the founding members of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Tony Stark: ...Wait, WHAT?
Tony Stark: You sound pretty spry for a dead guy.
Ivan Vanko: You too.
Pepper Potts: Natalie is here!
[Stark's notary enters]
Tony Stark: I want one.
Pepper Potts: No...
Tony Stark: [Dummy, the robotic arm, has made a mess at the kitchen sink] You! I swear to God, I'll dismantle you! I'll soak your motherboard, turn you into a wine rack!
[Dummy looks down guiltily]
Tony Stark: What's the point of owning a race car if you can't drive it?
Justin Hammer: [about Christine Everhart] She's actually doing a big spread on me for Vanity Fair. I thought I'd throw her a bone, you know. Right?
Pepper Potts: Right. Well, she did quite a spread on Tony last year.
Tony Stark: And she wrote a story as well.
Tony Stark: [Tony has seen the diagram for the atomic structure of a new element; talks about his father] Dead almost 20 years, you're still taking me to school...
Tony Stark: [Rhodey has just launched the "ex wife" weapon, which bounces off Vanko with no effect] Hammer Tech?
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: [Looks dejected] Yeah.
Agent Coulson: Good luck. We need you.
Tony Stark: More than you know.
Agent Coulson: Not that much.
Tony Stark: Contrary to popular belief, I know exactly what I'm doing...
[generates a new arc reactor, amidst a glass-splintering explosion]
Tony Stark: Oops!
Tony Stark: I just want to talk to you for a minute, well, make that 30 seconds...
Pepper Potts: Okay.
[looks at her watch]
Pepper Potts: 29, 28, 27...
[looking through Natalie's resume]
Tony Stark: She's fluent in French, Italian, Russian, Latin. Who speaks Latin?
Pepper Potts: No one speaks Latin. It's a dead language.
Ivan Vanko: [over the phone to Tony] Hey Tony, how you doing?
Ivan Vanko: I double cycle.
Tony Stark: You what?
Ivan Vanko: You told me double cycles more power. Good advice.
Tony Stark: You sound pretty spry for a dead guy.
Ivan Vanko: You, too.
[chuckles, then pauses]
Ivan Vanko: Now, the true history of Stark name will be written.
Ivan Vanko: What your father did to my family over 40 years, I will do to you in 40 minutes.
Tony Stark: Sounds good. Let's get together and hash it out.
Ivan Vanko: I hope you're ready.
Tony Stark: Drop your socks and grab your crocs, we're about to get wet on this ride.
Pepper Potts: I need you...
Tony Stark: I need you too, that's what I'm trying to...
Pepper Potts: ...to leave. Now.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: Tony, look, I'm sorry.
Tony Stark: Don't be.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: No, I should have trusted you.
Tony Stark: I'm the one who put you in this position. Forget it.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: No, it's your fault. I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: [aiming their repulsar beams at each other] Put your hand down.
Tony Stark: You think you got what it takes to wear that suit?
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: We don't have to do this, Tony.
Tony Stark: You wanna be the War Machine, take your shot.
Tony Stark: Can I ask you something personal? If this was the last birthday party you were going to have, what would you do?
Natalie Rushman: I would do whatever I wanted to do, with whomever I wanted to do it with.
[cut to Stark dancing around drunkenly in Iron Man suit]
Tony Stark: [to Pepper] I am appointing you CEO, why aren't you listening to me? You know, I've been lately thinking what legacy I want to leave behind, and who should do what when I'm gone. And I think, in terms of Stark Enterprises, that you should take over it. You've always managed to handle it, so far it's been good. I hereby irrevocably make you CEO of the company.
Tony Stark: My bond is with the people, and I will serve this great nation at the pleasure of myself. If there's one thing I've proven it's that you can count on me to pleasure myself.
Tony Stark: I want one.
Pepper Potts: No.
Tony Stark: Let the record reflect that I observe Mr. Hammer entering the chamber and I am wondering if and when any actual expert will also be in attendance.
Tony Stark: It's good to be back!
[several droids surround Iron Man and War Machine]
Ivan Vanko: I hope you're ready...
Tony Stark: COME ON!
Pepper Potts: My point is, we have already awarded contracts to the wind farm people.
Tony Stark: Yeah. Don't say "wind farm." I'm already feeling gassy.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: I got something special for this guy. I'm gonna bust his bunker with the Ex-Wife.
Tony Stark: The what?
Tony Stark: Sorry, pal, but Iron Man doesn't have a sidekick.
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: Sidekick *this*!
[hits Tony with barbell]
Natalie Rushman: Will that be all, Mr, Stark?
Tony Stark, Pepper Potts: No...
[Pepper talking over Tony]
Pepper Potts: Yes. Yes, that will be all, Ms. Rushman.
Tony Stark: [Tony has just been told by a US Marshal that tomorrow he has to attend court in front of the US Armed forces committee] Show me the badge.
Happy Hogan: [to the US Marshall] He likes the badge.
U.S. Marshal: [shows her badge] Still like it?
Tony Stark: Yeah.
Tony Stark: Mute.
Nick Fury: What do you remember about your father?
Tony Stark: He was cold, calculating, never told me he loved me, never even told me he liked me, so it's a bit hard for me to digest that he said the whole future is riding on me thing, I don't get that! You're talking about a man whose happiest day of his life was shipping me off to boarding school.
Nick Fury: That's not true.
Justin Hammer: [Hammer is with reporter Christine Everhart] Tony, you know Christine?
Tony Stark: Yes, roughly.
Pepper Potts: Tony... what're you not telling me?
Tony Stark: I don't want to go home.
Tony Stark: Trust me, I know. I'm good at this stuff. I've been looking for a suitable replacement for palladium. I've tried every combination, every permutation of every known element.
Nick Fury: Well, I'm here to tell you, you haven't tried them all.
Tony Stark: She's right. The party's over. Then again, the party was over for me, like, an hour and a half ago. The after party starts in fifteen minutes.
[under his breath]
Tony Stark: And if anybody, Pepper, doesn't like it, there's the door.
[accidentally fires his repulsar]
Pepper Potts: I quit. I'm resigning. My body literally can't handle the stress. I don't know when you're going to kill yourself, or mess up the whole company...
Tony Stark: I think I did okay!
[about his armour]
Tony Stark: It's a hi-tech prosthesis. That's actually the most apt description I can make of it.
Tony Stark: I didn't expect to see you here...
Col. James 'Rhodey' Rhodes: Well, it's me, and I'm here, so get over it and move on!
[to Stan Lee]
Tony Stark: Larry King! Larry!
Justin Hammer: Anthony. Is that you? Hey, pal! How ya doin'?
Tony Stark: My least favorite person on Earth, Justin Hammer.
Tony Stark: [to Nick Fury] I'm sorry. I don't wanna get on the wrong foot. Do I look at the patch or the eye? Honest, I'm a bit hung over. I'm not sure if you're real or if I'm having...
Nick Fury: [cuts him off] I am very real. I'm the realest person you're ever gonna meet.
Tony Stark: I don't care about the liberal agenda any more, it's boring.
[In Moscow, an old man watches a broadcast on TV]
Tony Stark: [on TV] There's been speculation that I was involved in the events that occurred on the freeway and the rooftop...
Christine Everhart: [on TV] I'm sorry, Mr. Stark, but do you honestly expect us to believe that that was a bodyguard in a suit that conveniently appeared, despite the fact that...
Tony Stark: [on TV] I know that it's confusing. It is one thing to question the official story, and another thing entirely to make wild accusations, or insinuate that I'm a superhero. that would be outlandish and, uh, fantastic. I'm just not the hero type. Clearly. With this laundry list of character defects, all the mistakes I've made, largely public...
Anton Vanko: Ivan...
[Ivan enters the room]
Tony Stark: [on TV] I am Iron Man.
Anton Vanko: Ivan... that should be you.
Ivan Vanko: Don't listen to that crap.
Tony Stark: [about to shoot a watermelon] I think she wants the Gallagher!
Tony Stark: And now, from the great beyond, my father Howard Stark!
[Howard appears on a screen]
Tony Stark: [Stark teaches Natascha how to operate his repulsor] Nail it!
Tony Stark: [lying drunk on the floor, having been blasted by War Machine] Goldstein.
Adam Goldstein: [peeking up from behind laptop] Yes, Mr. Stark?
Tony Stark: Give me phat beat to beat my buddy's ass to.
[Happy Hogan has just slammed Tony's limo into Vanko, preventing him from harming Tony]
Happy Hogan: [to Tony] Are you okay?
Tony Stark: Were you aiming for him or me?
Happy Hogan: [as Pepper breathes heavily in back seat] I was aiming for him.
Tony Stark: I couldn't tell.
Pepper Potts: [literally screaming; to Tony] ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? GET IN THE CAR!
Tony Stark: [shouting over her] I was attacked!
Happy Hogan, Pepper Potts: [Pepper is screaming; while Happy is shouting, but not as loudly as Pepper] Get In The Car!
Tony Stark: [as he opens the door; to himself] First vacation in two years...
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: [in a bar] Reload...
[finishes his drink]
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: Reload...
[someone enters the bar and walks toward Ross]
Tony Stark: The smell of stale beer... and defeat. You know, I hate to say "I told you so," but that Super-Soldier project *WAS* put on ice for a reason. I've always felt that hardware was much more reliable.
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: Stark.
Tony Stark: General.
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: You always wear such nice suits.
Tony Stark: Touché. I hear you have an unusual problem.
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: You should talk!
Tony Stark: You should listen. What if I told you we were putting a team together?
Gen. Thaddeus 'Thunderbolt' Ross: Who's "we"?
[Stark looks silently at Ross]
Browse more character quotes from Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)