Tony Perkis Quotes in Heavy Weights (1995)

Tony Perkis: Attention campers. Lunch has been cancelled due to lack of hustle. Deal with it.

Tony Perkis: All you need is Mother Earth, Father Sky, and your dear old Uncle Tony.

Tony Perkis: [Upon finding contraband salami] Oh look! A deli meat!

Tony Perkis: Come 'ere, you devil log!

Josh: The candy belongs to... Seymour Butts.

Tony Perkis: Seymour Butts? Seymour Butts? Who's Seymour Butts, hmm? Who's Seymour Butts?

Josh: Nobody's seen more butts than you, Uncle Tony!

Gerry: [writing a letter] Dear Grandma... someone once said, "War is hell." They've never been to fat camp. I knew the food would be bad...

[shows a revolting-looking lunch being passed out]

Gerry: ... but even worse...

[shows Lars stabbing the Blob with a spear]

Gerry: ... today he killed the Blob.

Gerry: [goes to the go-kart track, closed and with people putting the karts in a pile] As for the go-karts, well... may they rest in pieces. I'm writing you because nobody else seemed to care.

Maury Garner: [on the phone] I did not send you to 'go-kart' camp!

Tony Perkis: [on the PA] Attention campers, lunch has been cancelled today, due to lack of hustle. Deal with it...

Gerry: Tony Perkis tries to lead by example...

Tony Perkis: [shows Tony on a bed of nails, and two guys placing an ice block on his stomach] This is the 18th level of the PerkiSystem. You'll all be doing this by Labor Day! All right, do it to it, Lars!

Lars: [standing by with a large hammer at the block] It's my honor, Tony.

[Lars breaks the ice block while the campers freak out. Tony is unharmed]

Gerry: ...but we're afraid to follow.

Tony Perkis: [nighttime, the campers are around a large fire along with Tony] I know each and every one of you - because I WAS you!

Gerry: Once a day, the kids from Camp MVP, drive by and make fun of us.

MVP camper: [shows the MVP counselor and two campers driving by in a motor boat]

[Into a megaphone]

MVP camper: You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! You STINK! HA ha ha ha ha ha ha!

[Gerry and Roy are ducked down in the water]

Gerry: At night...

[shows some more MVP campers at the dock carrying cans of paint]

Gerry: ... they vandalize our camp.

[Pat is scrubbing it all off]

Gerry: [looks at Josh's empty bed and continues] At least Josh got out... where there's food. We have to resort... to more desperate measures.

[Shows the campers chasing cows and shouting]

Gerry: Tony's arranged a dance with the girls' camp... so he can humiliate us into losing weight. Pray for me, Grandma. Love, Gerry.

Tony Perkis: You've been a good guard, Nicholas. Fair and strong. I want to reward you with this chocolate kiss.

[holds out the fake candy to Nicholas]

Nicholas: Throw it over!

Tony Perkis: Then it would smoosh... we wouldn't want that.

Tony Perkis: [Nicholas goes to grab the candy and Tony puts him in a headlock] Looks like London Bridge is falling down!

Tony Perkis: Repulse the monkey... part the wild horse's mane.

Tony Perkis: First we're going to take an hour meditation break. Then we're going to climb that 1000-foot rock face over there with our bare hands and feet. I know you can do it, I have faith in you. But for now, observe the silence of the chi.

Tony Perkis: You picked the wrong man to mess with.

Josh: [sarcastically] Oh, I didn't know I was messing with a man!

Tony Perkis: No dinner, no lunch, no breakfast! How does that grab you? Hmm?

Tony Perkis: Kiss the ground, joker-boy!

Josh: Hey, would you get your foot off my back?

Tony Perkis: Shut up!

Josh: [on the "Camp Hope", aka "Camp Hell" movie which everyone at the camp and all the kid's parents are there watching]

Josh: Forty push-ups?

Tony Perkis: No! Sixty! Down! Now! Eighty! One hundred!

Maury Garner: He's strict.

Tony Perkis: Let me make something very clear: The PerkiSystem does not work with cheaters like Gerald Garner. OK? How can I sell an infomercial about fat kids who can't keep their piggy little snouts shut? Hmm? Who's gonna buy that, huh?

[Tony chases Josh down a hill and Josh gets a leg cramp]

Tony Perkis: Congratulations, you've just joined the 76% of Americans who forget to stretch before doing any physical activity.

Tony Perkis: Did you ever hear the story of Icarus, who continually rolled the ball up the hill? But when he got too close, the ball melted in the heat of the Sun. You're all like Icarus.

Tony Perkis: [first time seen] Can you smell it? There's a life force in here tonight. Do you feel it? Hmm? I look around this room, and I see potential.

[to Gerry]

Tony Perkis: I see the future chairman of a Fortune 500 company.

[to Roy]

Tony Perkis: I see a famous rap artist.

[to Nicholas]

Tony Perkis: I see the president of the United States of America.

Gerry: He's from England!

Tony Perkis: Kids, at age 12, I weighed 319 pounds. I had bad skin, low self-esteem, and no self-respect. Now, I eat success for breakfast, with skim milk.

Nicholas: [gets a sour look on his face] Ugh.

Tony Perkis: Hey! Who wants to be on T.V. hhmm? That's Kenny the Camera Man, HEY THERE, KENNY!

Tony Perkis: Only film the ones that are standing Kenneth.

Tony Perkis: Oh yes that was wonderful. So entertaining. The cinematography, the editing techniques. Though I must say, the villain, was a bit... over the top.

Tony Perkis: Attention campers the topic for tonight's discussion is, "Liposuction: Option or Obsession."

Tony Perkis: [over the loudspeakers] Time to wake up, campers! Today is evaluation day. The key word here is 'value.' Do you have any? Not yet! But before summer's over, this camp's gonna be filled with skinny winners!

Roy: "Skinny weiners?" You hear that, guys?

[all the boys laugh]

Tony Perkis: Josh Birnbaum! Step on the scale, son! All right!

[high fives Josh]

Tony Perkis: [the scale shows that Josh has gained weight]

[upset]

Tony Perkis: Get off the scale!