Tommy DeVito Quotes in Jersey Boys (2014)

Tommy DeVito: Oh, by the way, if you're ever in Vegas, go to a casino. Say the name, "Tommy DeVito". My hand to God, you'll be outta there in about 12 seconds.

Bob Gaudio: Tommy, no stolen goods, okay?

Tommy DeVito: Stolen goods? No! These fell off a truck.

Tommy DeVito: Here's $3500. DeVito delivers; fuck Vivaldi!

Nick Massi: Excuse me, with all due respect, he opened it up, I'm gonna say something. I've been rooming with this guy on and off for what is it, ten years? This was not a walk in a park, this was a sentence. A ten year sentence. The man is a personal nightmare. He wears the same underwear 3 days running. He takes no pride in his appearance in the simple amenities of life. You wanna talk about towels? The man cannot be in a hotel without using all the towels. I'm talking face towels, bath towels, the bathmat, the little washcloths like he's living alone. You need a towel, you know where it is? In a wet pile on the floor. I come back to the room one time, the man is pissing in the sink.

Tommy DeVito: I never pissed in the sink.

Nick Massi: Right in the sink, right in the fucking sink! I say "Tommy, what's wrong with you? There's a toilet over there." He says "This was closer." This is what I'm dealing with! The man is not properly socialized. Frankie doesn't have to deal with it, Gaudio doesn't, I've had to deal with it. TEN YEARS!

Gyp DeCarlo: Ok Nick, thank you for sharing. Now, Norman. We're gonna take a little walk, work things out, I want you boys to put your heads together and see what you can come up with. And you, hey. Stay out of my bathroom.

Frankie Valli: Maybe Gyp can talk some sense into this guy.

Tommy DeVito: Forget sense. Forget sense. I got a couple of things I could... I could work something out.

Nick Massi: What, pull a job? Hey, he's gonna roll a 7-11, like the old days.

Tommy DeVito: Alright Nicky, shut your trap alright, and drink your wine! DeCarlo's not running this group, I am. I don't even know what we're doing here, begging Gyp for help. You make me look like an asshole, all of ya's.

Nick Massi: You do that all by yourself Tommy.

Frankie Valli: Fellas, can we please talk about...

Tommy DeVito: You know what'd be nice, since I was here before any of you? A little respect.

Nick Massi: For what, getting 162 in the hole?

Tommy DeVito: You know something? At least I tried, huh? You think it's easy running the group? Dealing with the club owners, the managers, the record companies? Everybody trying to fuck you five ways from Sunday? You don't care how it gets done Nicky, I took care of it! Me!

Frankie Valli: Sit down.

Bob Crewe: You guys are not hearing it like I do!

Tommy DeVito: I'm sor... I'm sorry Crewe, how do you hear it?

Bob Crewe: I'm hearing it in sky blue and you're giving me brown.

Tommy DeVito: Maybe that's because you're paying us shit.

Bob Crewe: Excuse me?

Tommy DeVito: I'm sorry Crewe, famous ears clogged up? I'll say it into the mike. Maybe because you're paying us fucking shit!

Bob Crewe: Alright, is there a problem Tommy?

Tommy DeVito: Yeah, there's a problem!

Tommy DeVito, Bob Crewe: Ok, let's see what the goddamn problem is.

Tommy DeVito: Oh, we got his attention, he's coming down. About fucking time.

Tommy DeVito: Hey Nicky! Remember when we couldn't get arrested?

Bob Gaudio: When was that, Tommy? When you were three?

Bob Gaudio: You know, this may come as a surprise to you, Tommy, but I don't HAVE a police record!

Tommy DeVito: Yeah? Well, it's never too late to start.

Tommy DeVito: There's two types of women. There's Type A and Type B. Type A: They're real easy. They jump right into bed with you. Boom, boom, boom. Then later on, they break your balls.

Tommy DeVito: By the way, if you're ever in Vegas go to down a casino, say the name Tommy DeVito. My hand to god, you'll be out of there in about 12 seconds.

Tommy DeVito: You know what I do now? I work for Joe Pesci. Little Joey Fishes, same kid I used to smack around. A couple of months ago, we were driving through the old neighborhood. He says "Hey Tommy, how do you remember yourself back then?" I says "I think I was a pretty stand up guy." He says "I gotta be honest with you. You were total prick. Nobody would have put up with your shit except we all needed something. Everybody remembers it the way they need to, right?

Nick Massi: People always ask the same question, why'd you do it Nicky? Why'd you walk away? Well let me clear that up. It wasn't the signed deal, it wasn't the touring, it wasn't the bad food or rooming with Tommy, it just came out of my mouth. Once I said it, I knew it was what I wanted. I wanted to go home.

Frankie Valli: They ask you "what was the high point?" Hall of Fame, selling all those records, pulling Sherry out of the hat, it was all great. But four guys under a streetlamp, when it was all still ahead of us, the first time we made that sound, our sound. When everything dropped away and all there was was the music. That was the best.

Bob Gaudio: I'm not drawn to the old neighborhood, my life never revolved around the old neighborhood, I don't give a fuck about the old neighborhood. I'm from wherever I happen to be, and these days that's Nashville, Tennessee. Just me, my beautiful wife and a good cigar. Quiet, and peaceful in the knowledge that none of this could have happened without me.

Tommy DeVito: By the way, if you're ever in Vegas go to down a casino, say the name Tommy DeVito. My hand to god, you'll be out of there in about 12 seconds.

Nick Massi: Alright, I'll be honest with you. It could have been an ego thing, everybody wants to be up front. But if there is four guys, and you're Ringo? Better I should spend some time with my kids.

Frankie Valli: Like that bunny on TV with the battery, I just keep going and going and going. Chasing the music. Trying to get home.

Frankie Valli: Tommy you don't give a shit about the group, you never have. It's always been whatever it is you got going and then there's the group. You never want to rehearse, you drop Nicky to drink, you put Bob through the ringer, and forget about trying to mess with my head, which you've done from day one. You know the shame of it is you're not a bad musician if you give a little time, but no. You're too busy shooting your mouth off or buying apartments to keep your girlfriends in. But no more. All that bullshit is over.

Tommy DeVito: Is this how you talk to your friends?

Frankie Valli: Friends, right. Not one Christmas present, not one Christmas card. The one time we go for a mean and you pick up the cheque. The one time you ask me how my kids are doing, how I'm doing! God help me Tommy, part of me would really like to see you hurt.

Tommy DeVito: [narrating] You wanna hear the real story? I'm the one you wanna talk to: Tommy DeVito. Wasn't for me, we would have wound up in the trunk with a bullet in our head. There's even a street named after me. Of course, it don't come easy. You gotta have talent and skill and vision. And luck.

Tommy DeVito: [while performing on stage] Look at that son of a bitch over there.

Frankie Valli: Where?

Tommy DeVito: That guy. The big guy. Hitting on my girl.

Frankie Valli: That's not your girl.

Tommy DeVito: She will be as soon as she meets me.

Tommy DeVito: [narrating] Love? I'll be honest with you. I never knew what that was. Marriage? Marriage is not love. Marriage is you take a shave while your wife sits on the can and clips her toenails.

Art Loving Woman: [looking at painting] It's fascinating, isn't it? He has such... freedom.

Tommy DeVito: Hmm. They should take it away.

Art Loving Woman: The painting?

Tommy DeVito: His freedom.

Tommy DeVito: [about Frankie] Between you and me - and don't print this because he doesn't want it out there - I taught him everything he knows.

Lorraine: Really?

Tommy DeVito: Everything.

Lorraine: Ah.

Tommy DeVito: But not everything *I* know.

Lorraine: Aah.

Tommy DeVito: [after Henry, Jimmy, and Tommy beat Billy Bates they start placing him on a couple of table cloths. Tommy turns to Henry] I didn't wanna get blood on your floor.

Henry Hill: You're a pistol, you're really funny. You're really funny.

Tommy DeVito: What do you mean I'm funny?

Henry Hill: It's funny, you know. It's a good story, it's funny, you're a funny guy.

[laughs]

Tommy DeVito: What do you mean, you mean the way I talk? What?

Henry Hill: It's just, you know. You're just funny, it's... funny, you know the way you tell the story and everything.

Tommy DeVito: [it becomes quiet] Funny how? What's funny about it?

Anthony Stabile: Tommy no, you got it all wrong.

Tommy DeVito: Oh, oh, Anthony. He's a big boy, he knows what he said. What did ya say? Funny how?

Henry Hill: Jus...

Tommy DeVito: What?

Henry Hill: Just... ya know... you're funny.

Tommy DeVito: You mean, let me understand this cause, ya know maybe it's me, I'm a little fucked up maybe, but I'm funny how, I mean funny like I'm a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?

Henry Hill: Just... you know, how you tell the story, what?

Tommy DeVito: No, no, I don't know, you said it. How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny, what the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me, tell me what's funny!

Henry Hill: [long pause] Get the fuck out of here, Tommy!

Tommy DeVito: [everyone laughs] Ya motherfucker! I almost had him, I almost had him. Ya stuttering prick ya. Frankie, was he shaking? I wonder about you sometimes, Henry. You may fold under questioning.

Tommy DeVito: No more shines, Billy.

Billy Batts: What?

Tommy DeVito: I said, no more shines. Maybe you didn't hear about it, you've been away a long time. They didn't go up there and tell you. I don't shine shoes anymore.

Billy Batts: Relax, will ya? Ya flip right out, what's got into you? I'm breaking your balls a little bit, that's all. I'm only kidding with ya...

Tommy DeVito: Sometimes you don't sound like you're kidding, you know, there's a lotta people around...

Billy Batts: I'm only kidding with you, we're having a party, I just came home and I haven't seen you in a long time and I'm breaking your balls, and you're getting fucking fresh. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

Tommy DeVito: I'm sorry too. It's okay. No problem.

Billy Batts: Okay, salud.

Billy Batts: [takes a drink] Now go home and get your fuckin' shinebox.

Tommy DeVito: Mother fuckin' mutt! You, you fucking piece of shit!

Billy Batts: [taunting] Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on, come on, come on!

Tommy DeVito: Motherfucking... He bought his fucking button! That fake old tough guy! You bought your fucking button! You mother fuck... Fuck! Keep that motherfucker here, keep him here!

[leaves]

Jimmy Conway: What's the fuckin' matter with you? What - what is the fuckin' matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? Tommy, Tommy, I'm kidding with you. What the fuck are you doin'? What are you, a fuckin' sick maniac?

Tommy DeVito: How am I meant to know you're kidding? What you mean, you're kidding? You breaking my fuckin' balls?

Jimmy Conway: I'm fuckin' kidding with you! You fuckin' shoot the guy?

Henry Hill: He's dead.

Tommy DeVito: Good shot. What do you want from me? Good shot. Fuckin' rat anyway. His family's all rats. He'll grow up to be a rat.

Jimmy Conway: You stupid bastard, I can't fuckin' believe you. Now, you're gonna dig the fuckin' thing now. You're gonna dig the hole. You're gonna do it. I got no fuckin' lime. You're gonna do it.

Tommy DeVito: Who the fuck cares? I'll dig the fuckin' hole. I don't give a fuck. What is it, the first hole I dug? Not the first time I dug a hole. I'll fuckin' dig a hole. Where are the shovels?

Stacks Edwards: What time is it?

Tommy DeVito: It's eleven thirty, we're supposed to be there by nine.

Stacks Edwards: Be ready in a minute.

Tommy DeVito: Yeah, you were always fuckin' late, you were late for your own fuckin' funeral.

[shoots him]

Tommy DeVito: [sitting in car with Henry] The only thing, is she won't go out with me alone, you know?

Henry Hill: No.

Tommy DeVito: No, what?

Henry Hill: No.

Tommy DeVito: No, what, Henry? Who the fuck asked you anything? I didn't even ask you anything, at least hear what I have to say.

Henry Hill: Alright, what?

Tommy DeVito: Okay, what? She don't want to go out with Italians alone. She's prejudiced against Italians. Do you believe that? In this day and age? What the fuck is the world coming to? I can't believe this, prejudiced against Ital - a Jew broad - prejudiced against Italians. Anyway, she won't go out with me alone unless her girlfriend comes with her, so I figured you could come along and go out with her girlfriend.

Henry Hill: See? I knew it - I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

Tommy DeVito: You knew what, Henry? See? What? What the fuck is wrong with that?

Henry Hill: When is this?

Tommy DeVito: Tomorrow night.

Henry Hill: I can't tomorrow night, I gotta meet Tuddy.

Tommy DeVito: You could meet Tuddy. You could fucking come early and then still go.

Henry Hill: Tommy, Tommy. Why do you always do this to me?

Tommy DeVito: Don't give me that fucking "Tommy" shit. What the fuck I asked you for, Henry? I asked you for a favor. I do a lot of fucking favors for you, don't I? I'm trying to bang this fucking broad, you wanna help me out!

[view switches to outside of car with view of restaurant, smoke billows from restaurant windows]

Tommy DeVito: It's like... uh... ah...

Henry Hill: What?

Tommy DeVito: I don't understand you! She's fucking beautiful. Her fucking family, they live in the Five Towns there. You know these Jew broads got a lot of money. Maybe the family owns the whole fucking block. and you happen to end up with a big fucking score, motherfucker.

Henry Hill: [turning to look at the restaurant] Oh fuck!

Tommy DeVito: What?

Henry Hill: See? With your fucking mouth!

[car speeds away]

Tommy DeVito: Sure, mom, I settle down with a nice girl every night, then I'm free the next morning.

Tommy DeVito: [Tommy mocks at Spider] Oklahoma Kid. That's me. I'm the Oklahoma Kid. You fuckin' varmint! Dance. Dance. YAHOO, YA MOTHERFUCKER!

[shoots Spider in the foot]

Tommy DeVito: We hit the deer and his paw... What do you call it? The paw.

Jimmy Conway: [Speaking through a mouth full of pasta] The hoof.

Tommy DeVito: It got caught in the grill. I got to hack it off.

Tommy DeVito: Just don't go busting my balls, Billy, okay?

Billy Batts: Hey, Tommy, if I was gonna break your balls, I'd tell you to go home and get your shine box.

[to his friends]

Billy Batts: Now this kid, this kid was great. They, they used to call him Spitshine Tommy.

Tommy DeVito: All right, so he got shot in the foot, what is it, a big fuckin' deal?

Tommy DeVito: What the fuck are you doing? You're hanging around my fuckin' neck like a vulture, like impending danger.

Tommy DeVito: Hey, Spider, that fuckin' bandage on your foot is bigger than your fuckin' head.

Tommy DeVito: What am I, a mirage?

Tommy DeVito: You know Spider, you're a fuckin' mumbling stuttering little fuck. You know that?

Tommy DeVito: He said, "No, you're gonna tell me something today, tough guy." I said, "All right, I'll tell you something: go fuck your mother."

Tommy DeVito: [Infuriated at Spider and speaking to the other card players] Hey, what's that movie that Bogart made?

Anthony Stabile: Which one?

Tommy DeVito: The one where he played a cowboy. He only did one.

Anthony Stabile: Oh... ah... The Oklahoma Kid.

Jimmy Conway: Shane?

Tommy DeVito: Oklahoma Kid!

Tommy DeVito: [to Jimmy] Shane...

[They all laugh]

Tommy DeVito: What the fuck you looking at? Come on. Make that coffee to go. Let's go.

[Frankie mumbles something and goes to the door with the coffee pot in his hand]

Tommy DeVito: What the fuck are you doing? It's a joke! A joke! Put the fucking pot down!

Tommy DeVito: [Henry, Jimmy and Tommy are digging up Billy Batts' decomposed corpse. Henry is coughing from the stench, while the others don't appear to be bothered] Hey, Henry, Henry, hurry up, will ya? My mother's gonna make some fried peppers and sausage for us.

[Jimmy and Tommy laugh while Henry coughs]

Jimmy Conway: Oh, hey, Henry, Henry! Here's an arm!

Henry Hill: Very funny, guys.

Jimmy Conway: Here's a leg!

Tommy DeVito: Here's a wing!

[laughs]

Tommy DeVito: Hey, what do you like, the leg or the wing, Henry? Or ya still go for the old hearts and lungs?

Henry Hill: [Vomiting] Oh, that's so bad!

Tommy DeVito: [about Morrie's corpse] Hey Frank, let's chop him up.

Frankie Carbone: All right.

[starts to get out of the car]

Tommy DeVito: Where you going? Where you going, you dizzy motherfucker, you?

Frankie Carbone: To chop him up.

Tommy DeVito: At Charlie's, not here!

[Carbone mumbles to himself in Italian]

Tommy DeVito: Come on, what are you doing? Let's get the fuck outta here. I oughta let him

[motions to Morrie]

Tommy DeVito: fucking drive. What are you waiting for?

Frankie Carbone: The car's cold.

Tommy DeVito: Get the fuck outta here! What fucking warm enough? Get outta here!

Tommy DeVito: I didn't want to get blood on your floor.

Tommy DeVito: "What do you want to tell me now, tough guy?" I said, "Bing, what are you doing here? I thought I told you to go fuck your mother!"

[group laughs]

Tommy DeVito: I thought he was gonna shit!

Frankie Carbone: I could never hit that number.

[unintelligible]

Tommy DeVito: Frankie, Frankie, Frankie. What the fuck does 528 have to do with 460? I can't believe this guy. Fuckin' 528 ain't even close to 460. Now what the fuck does that got to do with anything?

Frankie Carbone: Eh, I been playin' that numba for three years.

Tommy DeVito: What, do you got me on a fuckin' pay-no-mind list, kid?

Tommy DeVito: [Tommy holds up a gun at the truck driver he's hijacking] Where's the strong box, you fuckin' varmint, you?

Morrie: [Talking about point shaving] Oh, it was terrific, yeah. Nunzio, up in... agh!

[Tommy severs Morrie's brain stem from behind with an ice pick]

Tommy DeVito: Thought he'd never shut the fuck up.

Jimmy Conway: Ah, pain in the ass.