Tom Quotes in iBoy (2017)

Ellman: You don't call the devil then get upset when he turns up.

Tom: You're not the devil, you're just a cunt.

Ellman: I suppose I am a bit, yeah.

Wade: I want to thank you, Tom. You saved my life.

Tom: Uh - don't worry about it.

Wade: You didn't have to hit me, though.

Tom: ...Yes I did.

Gail: Are you makin' a pass at me?

Tom: I don't know, is that what it's called this far outside of Boston?

Gail: This far *inside* of marriage, you mean.

Tom: I think we're sufficiently alienated for this to qualify as a pass.

Sheriff: You took the money. Didn't you son?

Tom: Yeah I hid it in the cemetery.

Wayne Bryce: Why you do that?

Tom: I don't like to carry around that much cash, ya know?

Karen: I wonder whose car this is.

Tom: Whoever it is, they like Pat Benatar, Eddie Money and... Oh. The soundtrack to Footloose.

Karen: Really?

Tom: Oh, my God. This is my car from high school.

Tom: I was looking for a place to hide it.

Wayne Bryce: From what? Swamp Thing?

Tom: What did you hit me with, anyway?

Karen: It was a crucifix. (Everyone looks at her) What? It was all I could find.

Tom: Great, I'm gonna have people from all around the world come to see the impression of Jesus on my forehead.

Tom: [while floating down the road in a half submerged car] You all right?

Karen: Yeah, I'm fine. I think the heater just kicked in.

Tom: At least we're out of the rain, right?

Karen: Oh, yeah. This is real cozy.

Tom: Watch your step!

Captain Malcolm: Get me the James boy!

Tom: What, Jesse?

Captain Malcolm: No, not Jesse! I want the one that can shoot!

Tom, Cole, Bob: FRANK!

Bob: They arrested Jesse! What have you done?

Cole: What's that, Bob?

Bob: What have you done, Cole?

Cole: I ain't done nothing, Bob.

Bob: Swear it.

[points his gun at Jesse]

Bob: Swear on Jimmy's grave.

Tom: Bob, you know Cole would never do such a thing. He and Jesse are best friends, cousins, blood brothers. Bob...

Bob: [lowers his gun] Sorry, Cole.

[walks away]

Tom: If I find out you had anything to do with what happened to Jesse... I'll kill you myself.

Pretty Boy: Your friend seems slightly overenthusiastic.

Tom: My friend's an asshole.

She: What's wrong?

Tom: I don't know, but something is.

Dick: What do you think?

Tom: About what?

Dick: Come on! You like her!

Tom: Yeah, I do.

Tom: [Tom is at the beach checking out all the women] They don't make buns like that down at the bakery.

Tom: [Dragon Sound gets jumped by a bunch of thugs] This doesn't look like the welcome wagon.

Tom: Red... Red... Something's wrong with red

Red: You hit him too hard this time

Tom: Why'd you put the windshield wipers on?

Red: 'Cause when I was a little girl I used to take piano lessons, and so I like the clicking.

Tom: You see, the great thing about God - unlike my ex-wife - you don't have to be perfect for him to accept you.

Cooper: [Cooper sits to watch the video messages left for him over the years] Cooper.

Computer: Messages span twenty-three years.

Cooper: Play from the beginning.

[message from Tom starts playing]

Young Tom: Hey, Dad. Checkin' in, sayin' hi. Um... finished second in school, Miss Carlin's still giving me Cs though. Pulled me down, but second's not bad. Grandpa attended the ceremony. Um... oh, I met another girl, dad. I, uh... I really think this is the one. Her name is Lois. That's her right there.

[Tom holds up a photo of Lois, Cooper, overwhelmed with emotion, begins weeping]

Young Tom: Murphy stole grandpa's car. She crashed it, she's okay though.

Tom: [we see another message from Tom showing him as an adult] Hey, Dad. Look at this!

[Tom holds up his baby next to him]

Tom: You're a grandpa. His name's Jesse. I kind of wanted to call him Coop, but, Lois says maybe next time.

Lois: [to Jesse] Say bye-bye Grandpa. Bye-bye Grandpa.

Tom: [Cooper continues to watch his messages, the next one shows Tom looking despondent] Sorry it's been a while. Just... what with Jesse and all. Uh... grandpa died last week. We buried him out in the back plot next to mom and... Jesse. Just where we would've buried you if you'd ever... come back. Murph was there at the funeral. We don't see her that much, but she came for that.

Tom: [Tom hesitates] You're not listening to this, I know that. All these messages are just... drifting out there in the darkness. Lois says that, uh... I have to let you go. And, uh... so, I guess... I'm letting you go. I don't know where you are, Dad. But I hope that wherever you are you're at peace. Goodbye.

[Tom turns off the camera, Cooper touches the screen not wanting to let go when suddenly a message from a now adult Murph comes up]

Bolt: Okay guys, but I really gotta get going.

Blake: I know, I know you're a busy dog, but if you've got a second, we'd love to pitch you an idea for your show. Tom's better pitching, I'll let him take it from here. Tommy's got the spotlight!

[Tom clears throat]

Blake: Wait for it...

Tom: Aliens.

Blake: Oh, snap!

Bolt: Aliens?

Tom: Audiences love aliens.

Blake: Holla back!

Tom: It'll be huge, man. Huge.

Blake: You can't touch us!

Bolt: Uhh... I - I love it. But I'll tell you what. If you guys can help me find Penny, that girl from the television show, well, I'd love to hear more about this aliens idea, but on the way.

Blake: We got a nibble!

Tom: Don't freak out. This is how you blew it with Nemo.

Tom: I'm sorry about your baby.

Sarah: I'm sorry about yours.

Tom: Mine was almost 40.

Sarah: Yeah, but he'll always be your baby.

Joost: [Tom & Joost walk into town, Tom passing Sarah, seated, & Joost stops to introduce himself] Hi. I'm Joost, from Amsterdam

Sarah: Dutch, eh? Got any drugs?

Joost: [shouts ahead to Tom] I love this woman!

Tom: It wears off quickly, I promise you

Joost: [to Sarah] What are you looking for?

Sarah: Something to help me sleep. I've been having trouble, the last few weeks

Joost: I have some Ambien... or perhaps you'd prefer something stronger?

Sarah: [shouts ahead to Tom] I love this man!

Tom: It wears off quickly, I promise you

Tom: [Having been handed the box with his son's ashes] I'm going to walk the Camino de Santiago.

Captain Henri: [Somewhat taken aback] Mr. Avery, if you'll pardon me, please, you are not prepared to go on this trip. You have no equipment, or...

Tom: [Cutting him off] I've got Danny's back pack and all of his stuff.

Captain Henri: But you haven't trained for this walk, and no disrespect, you are more than 60 years old.

Tom: [shrugs] So it'll take me a bit longer than most.

Captain Henri: You'll be lucky if you finish in two months.

Tom: Well, then I'd better get started. We're leaving in the morning.

Captain Henri: [Looking a bit confused] "We"?

Tom: [Holding up the box with his son's ashes] Both of us.

Tom: Have you ever walked the Camino, senora?

First albergue innkeeper: Never. When I was young, I was too busy. And now that I'm older, I'm too tired.

First albergue innkeeper: [as Tom silently nods and heads out the door] Buen camino.

Sarah: [while chain smoking another cigarette] The end of the Camino is the end of my addiction.

Tom: Spoken like a true addict.

Padre Frank: Hey, I'm Frank. New York.

Tom: Tom. California.

Tom: [Noticing that Frank is wearing a yarmulke] Nice to meet you, Rabbi.

Padre Frank: Oh, actually I'm a priest.

Tom: Well, you can understand my confusion.

Padre Frank: Yeah, a lot of people make that mistake.

Padre Frank: [Pointing to his head] Brain cancer. Surgery left a terrible scar. I wear this yarmulke to cover it up. They didn't get it all... you know, the cancer. Said it'll probably come back. Who knows about these kinda' things? Only God... Anyway, they say that miracles happen out here on the Camino de Santiago.

Tom: You believe in miracles, Father?

Padre Frank: I'm a priest. It's kinda' my job.

Tom: I'm going to walk the Camino de Santiago.

Tom: [Receives news of his son] Daniel? What happened to Daniel?

Tom: So, let's step on the gas and kick some... butt!

[last lines]

Tom: [shooing the bear cub away] Good luck, little fella.

Tom: [speaks to bear cub] I... Tom.

Tom: [running back and forth on the roof] Me brush! Where's me brush! I'll get clouted if I can't find me brush!

Tom: [walks over to Mr. Grimes who is drunk on the donkey] Where's this then Mr. Grimes?

Mr. Grimes: [slurred] "Where's this then?" China! Where does tha think? Yorkshire! Can't tha see it's Yorkshire?

Tom: I know it's Yorkshire, Mr. Grimes!

Mr. Grimes: Well then.

[donkey brays]

Tom: I never seen it clean before.

Mr. Grimes: We're in the country!

Tom: Oh, is that what they call it? Lovely, innit Mr.Grimes?

[looks around]

Tom: [after climbing up the chimney and seeing a LOT of chimneys] Cor... blimey

[echoes]

Tom: [Whilst the fish are singing "Try a little harder"] Getting the 'ang! I'm getting the 'ang!

[crashes off screen]

Tom: No I ain't.

[Toms sweep falls into fireplace from above]

[His hat soon follows]

Tom: [falling] Aaargh!

[a lot of soot falls on Tom]

Tom: [He looks around]

Tom: [noticing the soot] Urgh...

Elly: [When Ellie first meets Tom] Aren't you frightened of being in the dark?

Tom: Sometimes... but I'm more afraid or Mr. Grimes.

Elly: Mr. Grimes?

Tom: Clouts me.

Elly: Clouts you?

Tom: Hits me... regularly... 'cross the ear 'ole.

Elly: Why don't you tell your parents?

Tom: Me what?

Elly: Your Mother and Father.

Tom: Ain't got no mum or dad.

Tom: [to the Polar Bear] I demand to see the kraken!

Tom: Me brush! Where's me brush! I'll get clouted if I can't find me brush!

Tom: If you want a woman, you need one of your own kind, Ab.

Abner 'Ab' Bedford: I've seen my own kind in every port in the world... and a greedier tribe I can't imagine.

Tom: [to Abner] A man like you can't live among savages without becoming one himself.

Abner 'Ab' Bedford: [Abner and Tom see the beautiful Typee girl, Fayaway, for the first time] That's a prety girl, Tom. That's a downright pretty girl.

Tom: What do ya' think? Happar? or Typee? I'd like to know what kind of diet she's used to.

Abner 'Ab' Bedford: Oh, she's Happar. She's got to be. You don't find cannibals that pretty.

Chris: What the phantom happened here?

Tom: Well... what's a birthday without a party?

Tom: Its like when your teacher touches your balls and you get an A+.

Chris: Where have you been man? You miss the most heinous and redonk shit ever!

Tom: I'm here now, aren't I?

Robyn Starling: He's alive? My daddy's alive? I've got to go find him, it'll be cold in Tibet, I'm gonna wear a hat.

Jerry: Tibet?

Robyn Starling: That's where my daddy is, that's where I'm going.

Tom: Do you have any idea where Tibet is?

Robyn Starling: No.

[ties up bedsheets]

Jerry: It's way way way out there.

Tom: Over the river.

Jerry: Over the hills, it's past Cleveland.

Robyn Starling: [hands Tom the sheets] Here, Tom, throw this out the window.

Puggsy: What's your names?

Tom: I'm Tom.

Jerry: I'm Jerry.

Tom, Jerry: [look at each other] You talk!

Tom: Well sure I talk, what do you think I am, a dummy?

Jerry: You said it, I didn't.

Tom: Hey, you little pipsqueak, I oughtta - Hey! How come you never spoke before?

Jerry: I didn't have anything I wanted to say that I thought you'd understand, and there still isn't!

Tom: All Right, that does it, you little - Boy you get me angry!

Puggsy: Uh uh uh, it's like I told you, you guys have got to learn to be friends.

Tom: [looking for Jerry after the cabin burnt down] Oh, Jerry, Jerry where are ya? Don't leave me little buddy, you just gotta be here.

[Jerry reveals to the viewers that he is standing behind him on a piece of the cabin]

Tom: What would I do without ya? You were the best pal a guy could ever have! Oh, please be alive! I promise ya... uh... uh...

Jerry: All the cheese I can eat?

Tom: Yeah, all the cheese you can eat.

Jerry: And no more traps?

Tom: No more traps.

Jerry: And no tricks?

Tom: No tricks.

Jerry: That's a promise?

Tom: That's a...

[realizes Jerry is behind him, grabs him]

Tom: Ooh... I'm gonna. Why, you little...!

Robyn Starling: I'm an orphan, my mother died when I was a baby.

Jerry: What about your father? What happened to him?

Robyn Starling: My father was on an expedition climbing in the mountains when the snow gave way in a, a...

Tom: Avalanche?

Robyn Starling: Uh huh, and he was the most wonderful father in the world. He had his own special place just for the two of us, and...

Jerry: And that's where you were going?

Robyn Starling: Uh huh, and to get away from my Aunt Figg. She's not really my aunt, just my guardian, she's taken over the house, she moved my room to the attic and gave my room to her dog, Ferdinand.

Tom: Ferdinand?

Robyn Starling: Aunt Figg was always calling me orphan. She even stole my locket and threw it out the window, but I climbed down and found it...

Jerry: And kept on running.

Robyn Starling: As fast as I could, and I'm never going back.

Puggsy: [in Dr. Applecheek's dog pound] Well well well...

Tom: Puggsy, Frankie!

Jerry: What're you guys doing here?

Puggsy: The stray catchers finally got me, so I ain't perfect all the time.

Frankie da Flea: I've been telling you that for years.

Puggsy: How'd you guys get stuck in a fix like this?

Tom: We met this little orphan girl.

Jerry: Her name's Robyn.

Tom: Only she's not an orphan.

Jerry: Her father's alive!

Tom: Yeah, but she don't know it.

Puggsy: What? What are you guys talking about?

Jerry: Her Aunt Figg got us before we could tell her.

Tom: We've got to bust out of here, the kid's gotta know!

Jerry: Sure, but how?

Puggsy: Somebody's got to get over there and press the buttons on the control panel.

Jerry: You okay, pal?

Tom: Yeah, but don't call me pal.

Burt Munro: If you don't follow through on your dreams, you might as well be a vegetable.

Tom: [nods earnestly] What type of vegetable?

Burt Munro: Hah, I don't know... a cabbage. Yeah, a cabbage.

Tom: Aren't you scared you'll kill yourself if you crash?

Burt Munro: No... You live more in five minutes on a bike like this going flat out than some people live in a lifetime.

Burt Munro: Oh yes, ah, you can pee on my lemon tree for me if you like, while I'm away. And ah...

[looks at Tom who is shaking his head vigorously]

Burt Munro: well, there's nothing wrong with peeing on your lemon tree. As Confucius used to say, it's the best natural fertilizer in the world.

Tom: Who's Confucius?

Burt Munro: Oh, he's some bloke who lives up in Dunedin.

Tom: How fast did you go?

Burt Munro: Well, mighty fast. In one of my runs, I did over 200 miles an hour.

Tom: Whoa! What would happen if you opened your mouth at that speed?

Burt Munro: Well, you'd blow the backside out of your pants, I reckon.

Tom: Why do you pee on your lemon tree?

Tom: Hey, Sarge, where yug goin'?

Sergeant: I got my first three day liberty, Tommy. I'm goin' to losAngeles.

Tom: You got a date?

Sergeant: No.

Tom: You call this number when you get there.

Sergeant: I don't like blind dates!

Tom: She'll be sober when you get there. Give 'er a ring.

Sergeant: What's she like?

Tom: Out of this world!

Sergeant: Out of this world, huh?

Tom: Well, L.A. city limits... how much farther can you get?

Sergeant: What's she look like - an umbrella?

Tom: Are you kiddin'? She's a beauty! Big brown eyes like saucers, and when she smiles, she flashes the most beautiful set of teeth you ever saw and what a build! The girl has a figure out of the world. When you see this gir'ls figure... Now I've seen a lotta figures. Now I know what I'm talkin' about! She's got the most... wait aa minute. I'll get my hat. I'll go with yuh.

Tom: Marriage! The end of spontaneous sex, travelling by yourself, and buying whatever you want without having to ask permission. Right?

Tom: People don't realize this, but loneliness is underrated.

Tom: I love how she makes me feel, like anything's possible, or like life is worth it.

Tom: She took a giant shit on my face. Literally.

Alison: Literally?

Tom: Not literally. That's disgusting. Jesus. What's the matter with you?

Tom: It's these cards and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all lies and the heartache, everything.

Tom: Do you ever do this, you think back on all the times you've had with someone and you just replay it in your head over and over again and you look for those first signs of trouble?

Tom: Yeah, uh, this is... And Rhoda, no disrespect, but um, this is total shit.

McKenzie: Tom!

Tom: "Go for it" "You can do it"? That's not inspirational, that's suicidal. If pickles goes for it right there, that's a dead cat. These are lies. We're liars. Think about it. Why do people buy these things? It's not 'cause they wanna say how they feel. People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. At least let them speak for themselves! Right? I mean, look! What-What is this? What does it say? "Congratulations on your new baby." Right? How 'bout, "Congratulations on your new baby. Guess that's it for hanging out. Nice knowing you."

Vance: Sit down, Hansen.

Tom: How bout this one, with all the pretty hearts on the front? I think I know where this ones going. Yep! "Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart. I love you." That sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, "love"? Do you know? Do you? Anybody?

McKenzie: Tom...

Tom: If somebody gave me this card, Mr. Vance, I would eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. *I'm responsible.* I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not you know, some words that some stranger put in their mouths. Words like "love"... that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry. I, uh... I quit. I'm... There's enough bullshit in the world without my help.

Tom: You don't want to be named as anybody's girlfriend, and now you're someone's wife?

Tom: What happened? Why? Why didn't they work out?

Summer: What always happens. Life.

Summer: I just... I just woke up one day and I knew.

Tom: Knew what?

Summer: What I was never sure of with you.

Tom: Darling...

[Summer looks up at him]

Tom: I don't know how to tell you this, but... there's a Chinese family in our bathroom.

Tom: My name's Tom.

Girl at Interview: [shaking hands] Nice to meet you. I'm Autumn.

Summer: [Tom is listening to headphones in an elevator with Summer. She notices the music] I love the Smiths.

Tom: Sorry?

Summer: I said I love the Smiths.

Summer: [they stare at each other for a moment] You... You have good taste in music.

Tom: [repeating after her] You... like the Smiths?

Summer: [singing] To die by your side, such a heavenly way to die.

[speaking]

Summer: I love em.

Tom: [elevator stops, Summer leaves while Tom remains dumbfounded] Holy shit.

Tom: Look, we don't have to put a label on it. That's fine. I get it. But, you know, I just... I need some consistency.

Summer: I know.

Tom: I need to know that you're not gonna wake up in the morning and feel differently.

Summer: And I can't give you that. Nobody can.

Summer: Well, you know, I guess it's 'cause I was sitting in a deli and reading Dorian Gray and a guy comes up to me and asks me about it and... now he's my husband.

Tom: Yeah. And... So?

Summer: So, what if I'd gone to the movies? What if I had gone somewhere else for lunch? What if I'd gotten there 10 minutes later? It was, it was meant to be. And... I just kept thinking... Tom was right.

Tom: No.

Summer: Yeah, I did.

[laughs]

Summer: I did. It just wasn't me that you were right about.

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything.

Summer: I've never told anybody that before.

Tom: I guess I'm not just anybody.

Tom: [Montage of Summer] I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs.

[Fade to black as Swayze's "She's Like the Wind" plays briefly]

Tom: I HATE THIS SONG!

Bus Driver: [Open to Tom standing while bus comes to a sudden stop] Son, you need to get off the bus.

Tom: What happens if you fall in love?

Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?

Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.

Tom: Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being, or... she's a robot.

Summer: We're just fr...

Tom: [Interrupting] No! Don't pull that with me! This is not how you treat your friend! Kissing in the copy room? Holding hands in IKEA? Shower sex? Come on! Friends my balls!

Tom: It's official. I'm in love with Summer.

[while Montage of Summer plays]

Tom: I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps.

Rachel Hansen: Now look, if it were me, I'd find out now before you show up at her place and, well... She's in bed with Lars from Norway.

Tom: Who's Lars from Norway?

Rachel Hansen: Just some guy she met at the gym with Brad Pitt's face and Jesus' abs.

Summer: I named my cat after Springsteen.

Tom: No kidding. What was his name?

Summer: Bruce.

Tom: Oh... That makes sense.

Summer: All we ever do is argue!

Tom: That is bullshit!

Tom: People should be able to say how they feel - how they really feel - not, you know, some words that some strangers put in their mouths.

Girl at Interview: Have I seen you before?

Tom: Me? I don't think so.

Girl at Interview: Do you ever go to Angelus Plaza?

Tom: Yes. That's, like, my favorite spot in the city.

Girl at Interview: Yeah. Okay, except for the parking lots, but...

Tom: Yeah. I agree.

Girl at Interview: Yeah, yeah. I think I've seen you there.

Tom: Really?

Girl at Interview: Yeah.

Tom: I haven't seen you.

Girl at Interview: You must not have been looking...

Tom: Nobody loves Ringo Starr.

Summer: That's what I love about him.

Partygoer: So Tom, what is it that you do?

Tom: I uh, I write greeting cards.

Summer: Tom could be a really great architect if he wanted to be.

Partygoer: That's unusual, I mean, what made you go from one to the other?

Tom: I guess I just figured, why make something disposable like a building when you can make something that lasts forever, like a greeting card.

Tom: [the girl at the job interview agrees to meet Tom for coffee afterward] We'll figure it out. My name's Tom.

Girl at Interview: [Last lines of the film] Nice to meet you.

[Shakes his hand]

Girl at Interview: I'm Autumn.

[Tom looks at the camera in amazement. Film cuts to a title card with a "1" indicating the first day of Tom's relationship with Autumn]

Summer: We've been like Sid and Nancy for months now.

Tom: Summer, Sid stabbed Nancy, seven times with a kitchen knife, I mean we have some disagreements but I hardly think I'm Sid Vicious.

Summer: No, I'm Sid.

Tom: Oh, so I'm Nancy...

[Pancakes arrive]

Summer: Let's just eat and we'll talk about it later. Mmm, that is good, I'm really glad we did this. I love these pancakes... What?

[Tom gets up and walks away from the table]

Summer: Tom, don't go! You're still my best friend!

Tom: That was actually my nickname in college. They called me "Perfectly Adequate" Hansen.

[Starts to take a drink of champagne]

Summer: They used to call me "Anal Girl".

[Tom nearly gags on his drink from that and looks at her like "What?"]

Summer: I was very neat and organized.

Tom: Paul, seriously...

Paul: Did you bang her?

Tom: No.

Paul: What, hum job? Hand job?

Tom: Man, no. No jobs. I'm still unemployed. We - we kissed.

Rachel Hansen: You know, my friends are all in love with you. You know, it's like we said. Plenty of other fish in the sea.

Tom: [Looks at a group of twelve year old girls who wave at him and giggle] Thanks. But, uh, those are guppies.

Rachel Hansen: [Chuckles] Yeah.

McKenzie: Hey, don't you have like 20 cards to write by Friday?

Tom: Nope, all done.

McKenzie: Really? Well, could you help me with mine? Because I'm running out of ways to say "Congratulations". So far, I've got: "Congrats", "Good job" and "Well done".

Tom: Hmmm. How about..."Every day you make me proud. But today you get a card."

McKenzie: Shit, that's good!

Tom: I know.

Rachel Hansen: PMS?

Tom: What do you know about PMS?

Rachel Hansen: More than you, Tom.

Tom: This is lies. We are liars. Think about it. Why do people buy cards? It's not because they want to say how they feel. People buy cards because they can't say they feel or are afraid to. And we provide the service that let's them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Let's level with America. Or at least let them speak for themselves. Right?

Summer: You guys need anything?

Tom: [provocatively] Oh, I think you know what I need.

Summer: [looks at Tom, quizzically]

Tom: [quietly] Some toner.

Tom: People buy cards 'cause they can't say how they feel, or they're afraid to. We provide the service that lets them off the hook.

McKenzie: Hey, maybe you should write a book.

Tom: What?

McKenzie: Well, you know, Henry Miller said the best way to get over a woman is to turn her into literature.

Tom: That guy had a lot more sex than me.

McKenzie: Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Summer: The lady dothn't. There's no such thing as love. It's a fantasy.

Tom: Well, I think you're wrong.

Summer: Okay. Well... What is it that I'm missing then?

Tom: I think you know it when you feel it.

Summer: I guess we can just agree to disagree.

Tom: [split screen scene on the train about Millie's wedding] Yeah, but you said you were going that's why I'm going.

McKenzie: And that's why I called her last night, told her I was sick. Like a ninja.

Tom: It pains me that we live in a world where nobody's heard of Spearmint.

Tom: Hey, Summer.

Summer: Hi.

Tom: How was your weekend?

Summer: It was *good*.

Tom: [speaks to himself in mirror] Okay. Settle. She's just a girl. Just a girl. She wants to keep it casual, which is why she's in my bed right now. But that's casual. That's what casual people do. That's fine. That's great.

[walks out to see Summer in bed, naked]

Tom: Hi.

Summer: Hi.

Tom: Can you believe that shit?

McKenzie: I'm sorry what shit?

Paul: I think I missed something.

Tom: She said, "It was good." Emphasis on the "good." She basically said she spent the weekend having sex with some guy she met at the gym. Skank. Whatever, I'm over her.

McKenzie: What the hell is wrong with you?

Tom: But what happens when you fall in love?

[Summer chuckles]

Tom: What?

Summer: Well, you don't believe that, do you?

Tom: It's love. It's not Santa Claus.

Summer: Well, what does that word even mean? I've been in relationships and I don't think I've ever seen it.

Tom: Well, maybe that's because...

Summer: And most marriages end in divorce these days. Like my parents.

Tom: Okay. Mine too, but...

McKenzie: Okay. Who's singing next?

Summer: I nominate young Werther here.

Tom: I'm not really drunk enough...

Summer: Bartender!

Summer: Is that true?

Tom: Yeah, yeah. He drinks and he sings and just loses his shit.

Summer: No, uh, not McKenzie. Um, the other thing...

Tom: What thing?

Summer: Do you... like me?

Tom: [laughs] Yeah. Yeah, of course I like you.

Tom: [On a date at IKEA] Home sweet home.

Summer: Our place is really lovely, isn't it?

Tom: Yes.

Summer: Ooh! Idol's on... The TV's not working.

Tom: Oh... Well, I'm famished. Let's eat.

Tom: [walks into kitchen] Mmm. Smells delicious.

Summer: Oh, honey, that's because it is delicious. I made it myself.

Tom: Bald eagle.

Summer: Your favorite.

Tom: Mm-hmmm.

Summer: The sink's broken.

Tom: Well, that's okay because... that's why we bought a home with two kitchens.

Summer: You're so smart. I'll race you to the bedroom.

Tom: [they both lean in for a kiss] Darling, I don't know how to tell you this, but... there's a Chinese family in our bathroom.

Paul: So what are you exactly?

Tom: I don't know.

Paul: Are you her boyfriend?

Tom: It's not that simple.

McKenzie: Sure, it is.

Tom: What, like, are we going steady? Come on, guys. You know, we're-we're adults. We know how we feel. We don't need to put labels on it. I mean, "boyfriend," "girlfriend." All that stuff is... it's really juvenile.

McKenzie: You sound gay.

Paul: You really do.

Tom: [points to McKenzie] Okay, first of all, your last girlfriend was Amy Sussman in seventh grade. And you dated for, like, three hours.

[points to Paul]

Tom: And you... You've been with Robyn since what, like, 1998?

Paul: '97.

Tom: '97. See... Shoot. I don't think the two of you are exactly authorities on modern relationships.

Summer: I mean, this thing. What are we doing? I mean, is this normal?

Tom: Normal? I don't know. I don't care. I'm happy. Aren't you happy?

Summer: You're happy?

Tom: You're not?

Summer: All we do is argue.

Tom: That is bullshit!

Paul: I think it's kind of like how they say. There's, uh, plenty of other fish in the sea.

Tom: No...

Paul: They... They say that.

Tom: Well, they're lying. I don't want to get over her. I want to get her back.

Tom: Whatever, man. It's fine. I don't need this crap, really. I just, you know... I'm comfortable. I'm unhassled. People don't realize this, but loneliness... it's underrated.

McKenzie: This Friday, all-you-can-karaoke at the Mill.

Tom: No.

McKenzie: Come on!

Tom: They're not gonna let you back in there after last time.

McKenzie: Yeah... I wasn't that bad.

Tom: Dude, you threw up on the stage, you tried to fight the bartender, you threatened to burn the place down.

McKenzie: But I didn't burn the place down.

Summer: This is fun. You're fun.

Tom: Thanks.

Rachel Hansen: You've broken up with girls before.

Tom: Yes.

Rachel Hansen: And girls have broken up with you before.

Tom: This is different.

Rachel Hansen: Why?

Tom: 'Cause it's Summer.

McKenzie: [Day 1 of having met Summer] I hear she's a total bitch. Yeah. Patel tried to talk to her in the copy room. She's totally not having it.

Tom: Maybe she was just in a hurry.

McKenzie: Maybe she's an uppity, "better than everyone" superskank.

Tom: Damn.

McKenzie: I know. She's pretty hot.

Tom: That sucks. Why is it pretty girls think they can treat people like crap and get away with it?

McKenzie: Centuries of reinforcement.

Tom: [scoffs] You know what? Screw her. I don't care. If she wants to be that way, fine.

Tom: It's off.

McKenzie: What?

Tom: Me and Summer.

McKenzie: Was it ever on?

Tom: No, but it could've been, in a world where good things happen to me.

Paul: Yeah, well, that's not really where we live.

Summer: Hey, um, I just wanna tell you that, um, I'm not really looking... for anything... serious. Is that okay?

Tom: Yeah.

Summer: 'Cause some people kind of freak out when they hear that.

Tom: No, not me.

Summer: You sure?

Tom: Yeah. Like, casual, right? Take it slow.

Tom: Right.

Summer: No pressure.

Tom: Well, "Why rock the boat?" is what I'm thinking. I mean, things are going well. You start putting labels on it, that's like the kiss of death. That's like saying, "I love you."

Tom: [about being punched in the face] It was really just this crazy thing. It happened like... it felt like it happened fast, but really, it felt like it happened really slowly. Like everything all was just... I don't know...

Summer: I just, I can't believe you.

Tom: You can't believe me?

Summer: You were so completely, completely uncool in there.

Tom: Wait, are you mad at me? I just got my ass kicked for you.

Summer: Oh, really? Was that for me? Was that for my benefit?

Tom: Yes, it was.

Summer: Okay, well, next time don't, 'cause I don't need your help.

Summer: I like you, Tom. I just don't want a relationship...

Tom: Well, you're not the only one that gets a say in this! I do too! And I say we're a couple, goddamn it!

Tom: I'm messed up. I am. You know, on the one hand, I want to forget her. On the other hand, I know that she's the only person in the entire universe that will make me happy.

Tom: You ever do this? You think back on the times you had with someone, replay it in your head over and over again, and you look for those first signs of trouble.

Alison: Can I ask you a question?

Tom: Yeah.

Alison: She never cheated on you?

Tom: No. Never.

Alison: She ever take advantage of you in any way?

Tom: No...

Alison: And she told you upfront that she didn't want a boyfriend?

Tom: Yeah...

Tom: There's two options really. Either she's an evil, emotionless, miserable human being or... she's a robot.

Summer: I should go. But I'm really happy to see that you're doing well.

Tom: Summer! I really do hope that you're happy.

Girl at Interview: Are you interviewing for the position?

Tom: Oh, yeah. Why? Are you?

Girl at Interview: Yeah.

Tom: My competition.

Girl at Interview: It would appear.

Tom: Yeah. So, a little awkward.

Girl at Interview: Yeah.

Tom: Well, I hope you, um, don't get the job.

Girl at Interview: Well, I hope *you* don't get the job.

Tom: Hey.

Girl at Interview: You again.

Tom: Yeah. I, uh, was just wondering if maybe after this, if, um, you... want to get some coffee or something.

Girl at Interview: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sort of supposed to meet someone after this.

Tom: Okay...

[walks away]

Girl at Interview: Sure!

Tom: What's that?

Girl at Interview: Why not?

Nick the Greek: Dunno Tom. Seems expensive.

Tom: Seems? Well, this seems to be a waste of my time. That is 900 nicker in any shop you're lucky enough to find one in. And you're complaining about 200? What school of finance did you study? "It's a deal, it's a steal, it's the sale of the fucking century!" In fact, fuck it Nick, I think I'll keep it!

Nick the Greek: All right all right, keep your Alans on!

[Peels off notes from his wad]

Nick the Greek: Here's a ton.

Tom, Eddie: Jesus Christ!

Eddie: You could choke a dozen donkeys on that! And you're haggling over one hundred pound? What d'you do when you're not buying stereos Nick? Finance revolutions?

Nick the Greek: 100 pounds is still 100 pounds.

Tom: Not when the price is 200 pounds it's not! And certainly not when you've got Liberia's deficit in your skyrocket. Tighter than a duck's butt you are. Now, c'mon. Lemme feel the fibre of your fabric.

Tom: Listen to this one then; you open a company called the Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club. You take an advert in the back page of some gay mag, advertising the latest in arse-intruding dildos, sell it a bit with, er... I dunno, "does what no other dildo can do until now", latest and greatest in sexual technology. Guaranteed results or money back, all that bollocks. These dills cost twenty-five each; a snip for all the pleasure they are going to give the recipients. They send a cheque to the company name, nothing offensive, er, Bobbie's Bits or something, for twenty-five. You put these in the bank for two weeks and let them clear. Now this is the clever bit. Then you send back the cheques for twenty-five pounds from the real company name, Arse Tickler's Faggot Fan Club, saying sorry, we couldn't get the supply from America, they have sold out. Now you see how many of the people cash those cheques; not a single soul, because who wants his bank manager to know he tickles arses when he is not paying in cheques!

Bacon: So how long do you have to wait for a return?

Tom: Probably no more than four weeks.

Bacon: Well what good is that if we need it in six... no, five days?

Tom: Well it was still a good idea.

Tom: Rory Breaker?

Barfly Jack: Rory? Yeah I know Rory. He's not to be underestimated. He's a funny looking fucker, I know. But you've got to look past the hair and the cute, cuddly thing - it's all a deceptive facade. A few nights ago Rory's Roger iron's rusted. He's gone down the battle-cruiser to watch the end of a football game. Nobody is watching the custard so he turns the channel over. A fat geezer's north opens. He wanders up and turns the liza over. 'Now fuck off and watch it somewhere else.' Rory knows claret is imminent, but he doesn't want to miss the end of the game. So, calm as a coma, picks up a fire extinguisher, walks straight past the jam rolls who are ready for action and he plonks it outside the entrance. He then orders an Aristotle of the most ping pong tiddly in the nuclear sub and switches back to his footer. 'That's fucking it,' says the geezer. 'That's fucking what?' says Rory. And he gobs out a mouthful of booze covering fatty. He flicks a flaming match into his bird's nest and the geezer's lit up like a leaking gas pipe. Rory, unfazed, turned back to his game. His team's won too. Four-nil.

Soap: What do they say about assumption being the brother of all fuck-ups?

Tom: It's the mother of all fuck-ups, stupid!

Soap: Brother, mother, any other sucker. It don't make any difference. They're still fucking guns and they still fire fucking bullets!

Eddie: Oh, and if Tom or anyone else for that matter feels like givin' them a bit of a kickin', I'm sure it won't do any harm.

Soap: Yeah, little bit of pain never hurt anybody. If you know what I mean. Also, I think knives are a good idea. Big, fuck-off shiny ones. Ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good, because they don't make any noise, and the less noise they make, the more likely we are to use them. Shit 'em right up. Makes it look like we're serious. Guns for show, knives for a pro.

Tom: Soap, is there something we should know about you?

Bacon: I'm not sure what's more worrying. The job or your past.

Tom: Well, he can afford to do the deal at the price we're selling. It's not worth him giving us any trouble cause he knows we'll be a pain in the arse.

Soap: I'd take a pain in the arse for half a million quid.

Tom: You'd take a pain in the arse for air miles.

Soap: Tom, the fatter you get, the sadder you get.

Eddie: Will you two stop flirting for a minute?

Nick the Greek: Just get me a sample.

Tom: No can do.

Nick the Greek: What's that? Some place near Katmandu? Meet me halfway, mate.

Tom: There's no money, there's no weed. It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

[haggling with Tom]

Nick the Greek: What else does it come with?

Tom: It comes with a gold-plated Rolls Royce, as long as you pay for it.

Tom: Look, it's all completely chicken soup.

Nick the Greek: It's what?

Tom: It's kosher. As Christmas.

Nick the Greek: The Jews don't celebrate Christmas, Tom.

Soap: Where the fuck are they going?... Shift a piano? I thought this was meant to be a robbery.

Eddie: Where did they get those outfits?

Tom, Bacon: Not a bad idea, that.

Tom: They lack any kind of criminal credibility. I might get laughed at.

Soap: You mean to tell me that the only thing connecting us with the murders is in the back of your car which is parked outside?

Tom: They cost me 700 quid. I'm not just going to throw them away. They're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, now are they?

Soap: You really think it's worth taking the risk for 700 pounds? Tom, you're a dick.

Tom: I want to look fucking mean!

Nick the Greek: Of course you'll look mean! You'll look really scary...

Soap: Rory Breaker? That psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?

Tom: That would be the same man, yes.

Tom: [after having just robbed Dog and his crew] Jesus, that wasn't too bad, was it?

Soap: When the bottle in my arse has contracted, I'll let you know.

Eddie: Bacon, see what we've got.

Bacon: Let's have a butcher's, eh?

[as he inspects their loot]

Bacon: We've hit the jackpot, lads! We've got God-knows-how-much of this stinking weed, a shitload of cash... and a traffic warden.

Tom: What?

[Bacon holds up an unconscious man]

Tom: Jesus, Ed, we've got a traffic warden!

Bacon: I think he's still alive - he's got claret coming out of him somewhere. What did they want with a traffic warden?

Eddie: I don't know, but I don't think we need him! Knock him out and dump him at the lights!

Bacon: Knock him out? What'd ya mean, knock him out? Knock him out with what?

Eddie: I don't know! Use your imagination!

[Bacon punches the Traffic Warden, who moans in pain]

Tom: Don't touch him up! Knock him out!

Bacon: I'll knock you out in a minute! Look, you want to knock him out? *You* knock him out.

Eddie: I fucking hate traffic wardens.

[after a pause, Tom and Eddie jump into the back of the van with Bacon; all three proceed to batter the Traffic Warden senseless]

Tom: This is fucked. No money. No weed. Its all been replaced by a pile of corpses.

[Having noticed the corpses of both Rory's gang and the neighbors]

Eddie: The Traffic Warden identified the neighbours' bodies. Which sort of puts us in the clear. The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.

Bacon: And Tom took care of them.

Soap: You did take care of the shotguns?

Tom: I wanted to talk to you about that?

Bacon: Well, talk.

Tom: Well, actually no. I've got them sitting in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek, but I'm having a bit of trouble getting hold of him.

Bacon: You dippy bastard.

Eddie: So... the only thing connecting us with the case, is in the back of your car which is parked outside?

Tom: They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away. And they're hardly likely to trace 'em back to us, are they?

Soap: Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?

Eddie: Tom, you're a dick. Now you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.

Bacon: And throw yourself off while you're at it.

Soap: Now.

Tom: Oh, I don't know, Charlie. Unlike you, I never expected "the thunderbolt." I always just hoped that, that I'd meet some nice friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and, um, settle down and be happy. It worked for my parents. Well, apart from the divorce and all that.

Tom: Splendid, I thought. What did you think?

Bernard: I, thought, splendid! What did you think?

Tom: Splendid, I thought.

Charles: Yes, it's odd, isn't it? All these years we've been single and proud of it and never noticed that two of us were, in effect, married all this time.

Tom: Traitors in our midst.

Charles: Tom, are you the richest man in England?

Tom: Oh, no. We're... like, seventh.

Tom: The great advantage of having a reputation for being stupid: People are less suspicious of you.

Tom: Excellent wedding hairstyle.

Tom: Well, let's face the facts. If you weren't certain you wanted to marry her today, of all days - i.e., your wedding day - then it must have been the right decision, mustn't it?

[Fiona looks at him as though she's about to say, "Bugger off, Tom," for the umpteenth time, then reaches out and touches his shoulder affectionately]

Fiona: Quite right, Tom.

[after running into his cousin, Deirdre]

Tom: Golly... bloody Thunderbolt City!

Tom: Did anyone else tread in a cowpat? No, thought not.

Tom: Well done Bridge, four hours of careful cooking and a feast of blue soup, omelette and marmalade. I think that deserves a toast, don't you? To Bridget, who cannot cook, but who we love

[in an undertone]

Tom: just as she is.

Tom, Shazzer, Jude: To Bridget, just as she is.

Jude: Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts or slightly smaller nose?

Bridget: No.

Shazzer: Well, fuck me.

Tom: This is someone you hate right?

Bridget: Yes, yes, I hate him.

Tom: Whose side are we on?

Shazzer: Mark's, of course. He never dumped Bridget for some naked American.

Bridget: But he did shag Daniel's fiancée and left him broken-hearted.

Tom: You're right, it's a tough one to call.

[bursting into a Greek restaurant]

Tom: FIGHT. Come on then, it's a real fight.

Tom: Come the fuck on, Bridget.

Bridget: [fight enters Greek restaurant] No, no, no, no, no, no!

Tom: Oh, yes!

Tom: Stay away from her.

Jake Taylor: Suck my dick.

Jake Taylor: [Tom is escorting Jake out the door at the party] Thanks for the beer.

Tom: Don't mention it.

Jake Taylor: I'll let you know if I land a good job, I'm sure you're real concerned about it.

Tom: Well I just wanted Lynn to know what she would have had ahead of her.

[they stop to shake hands, faking cordiality]

Tom: Stay away from her.

Jake Taylor: [smiling] Suck my dick!

Howard: You're not thinking of going after that snowplow alone, are you?

Tom: Shepherd's gotta protect his flock.

Jordan: We know you still believe in the big fat creeper!

Max: I don't know what you're talking about!

Stevie: [pulls up Max's letter to Santa] Are you sure about that?

Beth Engel: [Max tries to get his letter back and Beth stops him] Stop!

Stevie: [starts reading Max's letter] Dear Santa, I know I haven't been great this year and I'm sorry for that, but I was really hoping you can help out me and my family this Christmas. We need you! Oh, Maxi Pad. That is so s...

Beth Engel: [stops Max from getting his letter back] Stop, Max!

Stevie: Blah blah blah. Bullshit, bullshit. Ah, here we go, Maxi's wishlist!

Beth Engel: Stevie, stop! That's enough!

Stevie: Wait, you're up first, Beth!

[reading the letter]

Stevie: I wish me and Beth could hang out like we used to.

[Beth turns her head to Max]

Stevie: Might've noticed that I don't have tons of friends.

[Stevie pretends to feel sorry for him and Jordan mockingly smiles at Max]

Stevie: Oh no, really Max?

[Jordan laughs and Stevie continues reading the letter]

Stevie: I wish my Mom and Dad could fall in love again.

[Tom and Howard look at each other]

Stevie: I know they get upset a lot with Dad away from home so much. I think they really just miss each other.

[Linda comes in]

Stevie: Also, I wish things weren't so hard for Uncle Howard and Aunt Linda.

[Stevie and Linda look at each other]

Stevie: So, maybe you can lend them a hand for the rest of the year.

[turns letter around as Howard and Linda look at each other]

Stevie: And... and that...

[angrily facing Max]

Stevie: Screw you, Dad does not wish we were boys!

Sarah Engel: [smilingly enters the dining room with carambola] Who wants carambola?

[Beth turns her head to her mother Sarah and Sarah loses her smile after realizing the situation]

Max: [angrily gets off his chair to get his letter back] Give me the letter!

Tom: Hey! Max?

[Max fights with Stevie and Jordan with the adults talking in the background]

Howard: [pulls Stevie and Jordan back] Alright, that's enough!

Tom: You okay? Honey!

Max: I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be, but forget it! I hate Christmas! I hate all of you!

[angrily and tearfully runs up to his room]

Sarah Engel: Max? Max!

Aunt Dorothy: Oh, lay off of him!

[Max slams his bedroom door shut]

Aunt Dorothy: Kid deserves a prize for telling the truth!

Max: I don't get it. Every year it gets worse! Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we share DNA?

Tom: Because that's what a family is, Max. People you try to be friends with, even when you don't have a lot in common.

Max: But why?

Tom: Because... well...

[pause]

Tom: Okay, you kind of got me there.

Tom: You soaked his underwear in meat. That is so wrong. Funny, but wrong.

[Sarah has just orchestrated a major practical joke against Hank]

Tom: You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

Tom: [after him and Dylan and the chandelier have crashed to the floor] You know, for the entire minute and a half we lived here... l really hated that chandelier.

Kate: Sarah, your suspension from lacrosse for excessive force has been lifted, so you're going today.

Sarah Baker: Yes!

Kate: Henry, you have band practice, all right? I cleaned your clarinet. Please don't play with food in your mouth again. Kim and Jessica, your teacher called and has made a request that you do not correct her in front of the class. Mike, you have show-and-tell today. And please, honey, remember that body parts do not count. Kyle and Nigel, you have a dentist's appointment at three o'clock, so you're going to work with Dad.

Nigel Baker, Kyle Baker: Yeah!

[yells]

Tom: [yells]

Kate: My book's getting published.

Tom: Did I tell you we're going to have it all?

Kate: You've never said that.

Tom: [Sweeping Kate onto the bed] I'm telling you now, baby.

Lorraine: [Rushing from the room] Oh my god, can you guys just please wait till I leave the room?

Tom: [Between kisses] Can you hurry?

Tom: You were checking me out, weren't you?

Kate: Yes, I was. You got a problem with that?

Tom: Twelve kids later and we still got the heat.

Kate: Whoo!

Charlie: Did I mention I don't like you very much?

Tom: Yeah, you mentioned that.

Charlie: Then I'm good.

Tom: [picking an athletic cup out of the spaghetti sauce] Ah... Pasta de la croch.

Tom: Hey, guys. Remember Shake? We played college ball together.

Nigel Baker: Yeah, the hot dog.

[Tom gives him a look]

Nigel Baker: Mom said it first.

Shake: We're having adult time here, boys.

Kyle Baker: No idea what that means.

Tom: Well, it's this crazy thing where grown-ups actually get to have a conversation without being interrupted by kids.

Kyle Baker: Sounds wicked boring.

Shake: It is. So why don't you run along?

Kyle Baker: Mom's right. He is a weiner.

Lorraine: [walks into kitchen] I am totally aware that this family doesn't value self-presentation in the same obsessive way that I do. Fine. Whatever. But one of my life goals aside from being, like, a fashion guru is to indicate to the local community that the Baker family actually owns a bar of soap. So, as self-appointed in-house rep of style and hygiene, I think that I should be allotted at least five extra minutes in front of the mirror.

Tom: Three.

Lorraine: Done.

Tom: Good now help your sister butter the toast.

Tom: Clean up on aisle 12.

Tina Shenk: Is Jake your only child?

Kate: Oh no. We have 12.

Tom: I couldn't keep her off of me.

Nora: I've searched everywhere. Nothing.

Tom: Where's Hank?

Nora: He's not going to make the cut.

Tom: I hope the family isn't to blame.

Nora: [smiles] They're totally to blame.

[hug]

Tom: [phoning a "nanny" service] Hello my name is Tom Baker and I am interested in hiring a domestic helper.

[responding to question on phone]

Tom: I have twelve kids.

[person on phone says something]

Tom: Actually I am serious.

Tom: [next call] Just twelve

Tom: [next call] There's only two, oh plus ten.

Tom: [next call] How many kids? Well, uh, when you get here we can just count 'em up.

Tom: [next call] Well, there's twelve. But one doesn't live with me and one you never see cause he's so mad.

Tom: [next call] Uh, a dozen.

Tom: [next call] Just, just twelve.

Tom: [last call] Hello, I'll just hang up by myself.

Tom: They're like kittens.

Kate: You need a paramedic?

Tom: No, just a pair o' knees.

Tom: *All right. Enough is Enough. You're slacking on your chores. You're fighting in school*. Things are out of control. As of this moment, you are all grounded*

Mike: What's grounded?

Tom: What's grounded? I'll tell you what ground it is. Except for attending games, you go to school, you come home from school, you do your homework, you do your chores, you go to bed and that's it.

Sarah Baker: But that

Tom: Oh yes Sarah, I know that sucks, but that's the way it is!

Jake: Does this mean we can't go to Dylan's birthday party?

Tom: That's exactly what it means.

Kim Baker: But we brought his presents already.

Tom: *You are going to miss it

Tom: Kids are quiet

Tom: Now, go to bed.

Tom: I promise you. We will be a happier, stronger family.

[With his football players]

Tom: Get my kids and meet me at my house. Ready? Break.

Mark: Have you seen Beans dad?

Tom: Sorry, Charlie, er, Nigel, Kyle.

Mark: It's Mark.

Tom: I knew that.

Tom: She says she will help us out if they can stay in the same room.

Kate: No. No way. No, she knows the rules.

[Talking to the kids]

Kate: She wants to have her own room when she's here isn't that sweet,

[to Tom]

Kate: no.

Mike: [shouts] Heads up!

[Tom catches the hockey ball right before it hits Tina in the face]

Tom: Little less wrist, Mike.

Tom: [throws the ball back to him and Mike catches it]

Mike: Got it.

Mike: [shouts] Game on!

Jessica Baker: Dad, can I kill Jake now?

Tom: No, finish washing the car first!

Kate: Put the kids on, let me talk to someone.

Tom: [huddled in the closet] Oh, well, they're studying, and it's the tri, trigo, trig stuff we aren't all that good at, and they've formed a study group, it's like a little Think Tank thing.

[an axe blade breaks through the door of the closet]

Tom: I... I'd just hate to break that up.

Kate: Okay, well, I gotta go honey, bye.

Tom: bye.

[hangs up]

Nigel Baker: C'mon Dad, don't hide in the closet!

Kyle Baker: Take it like a man!

Tom: [when Kate leaves] Little Vampires, my plan worked. She's gone. Now I can raise you children the way I want to! Mwa ha ha, ha ha, ha!

[kids stare blankly]

Tom: C'mon, it's going to be fun. Your dream has come true. Mom's gone. Weak old Dad is here. You can get away with murder. You can do anything you want. Dylan's birthday party is coming up. You can get all hyped up on sugar and cake and go crazy.

[kids continue to stare blankly then turn and walk away]

Tom: [while they're hanging from the chandelier] So, Dylan, know any good restaurants?

George: I have a dream.

Tom: What is your dream?

George: To have a dream.

George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.

Tom: Oh. I better tell her.

George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?

Sue: Yes?

George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?

Sue: Yeah.

George: She's dead!

Sue: Aah!

George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!

Sue: My dog's dead?

George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!

Alien #1: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.

George: You mean... You watched the video tape?

Alien #1: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.

Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.

Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?

Alien #1: Oh... that's how we say hello.

George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?

[an alien kicks George in the groin]

George: [in pain] I had to ask.

Trooper Champlin: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.

Tom: Annie?

Trooper Champlin: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.

Tom: I don't understand.

Trooper Champlin: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.

Tom: I still don't get it.

Trooper Champlin: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.

[breaks hot dog in half]

Tom: She broke her wiener?

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.

Tom: I promise.

Annie: And no sex, either.

Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.

Annie: No sex.

Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.

Annie: No sex.

Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.

Annie: [shouts] No sex!

Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

Annie: Oh, Jesus.

Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.

Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.

Tom: Right. Swing away.

Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.

[Gasps and dies]

Tom: [opening door] Sue?

Sue: I can't sleep.

Tom: Well, it's way past your bedtime.

Sue: Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.

Tom: Where is my daughter?

Sue: Are you mad? I am your daughter.

Tom: No you're not.

[removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]

Tom: I want to see Annie.

Trooper Champlin: She's split in half.

Tom: You mean like down-the-middle in half?

[Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves]

Trooper Champlin: At the waist.

Tom: You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?

Trooper Champlin: Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.

Tom: Let's say this is her bottom half.

[Holds up a doughnut]

Tom: Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

Trooper Champlin: I'm not sure what you mean.

Tom: Let me explain.

[Holds up a sausage]

Tom: Come here! What did you do with Sue?

MJ: I didn't touch her, I swear!

Tom: I don't believe you!

MJ: Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!

[Holding Michael Jackson From Window]

Tom: How do you like it?

Tom: Don't call me "dude". I haven't been a stoner since...

[Mexican music plays]

Trooper Champlin: Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.

Tom: Sounds like a long shot.

Tom: George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."

Sayaman: I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.

Tom: Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.

Sayaman: I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.

Tom: [wife has been severed by car] Hi, baby.

Annie: Honey, I'm dying.

Tom: No, don't talk like that, the truck barely hit you.

Tom: [while in front of the door] Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.

[is hit in the balls by the plank of wood]

Tom: [in pain] Oh, my balls.

[George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again]

Tom: [in pain] Oh... Jesus.

[Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away]

[last lines]

Tom: Oh, Monica...

Hannah: Oh, Bill...

Tom: Nobody in the world makes me laugh the way you do. You're my best friend. I just wanna be with you.

[discussing the Bridemaid's dresses]

Melissa: What's your dress size, Tom?

Tom: I don't know. What's your jock size, Melissa?

Christie - Wife #6: If you're a bad boy, I'm gonna spank you!

[she spanks Tom]

Tom: Ow! Ok, I've got something to say to you.

[Hannah kicks him]

Tom: Ow!

Christie - Wife #6: Tom, I just want you to know that if you need anything, money, advice, help with girl problems, you can always come to me. I'd like you to think of me as a real mother.

Tom: Alright, sure

[Tom's dad comes over]

Christie - Wife #6: Oh, here he is!

Thomas Bailey Sr.: She's just as drunk as the night we met.

[Tom starts to take a drink from his whiskey but Christie snatches it away and drinks it herself]

Tom: Oh got right on ahead.

Thomas Bailey Sr.: [Slaps Tom] You're a bad influence on her!

Tom: Wha-? Me?

[Thomas Sr. and Christie walk off]

Hannah: He knows that he can just date right?

Tom: No, I don't think so.

[They laugh]

Tom: I have a theory.

Hannah: Oh, Casanova has a theory.

Tom: I'm sorry I can't break that rule. I have a rule about that.

Hannah: You've slept with half my floor.

Tom: Well, half your floor was female.

Tom: Joan, good to see you, it's been too long. I think, uh, Easter, wasn't it?

Joan: Yes, you slept with our maid.

Tom: She told you. I didn't know she spoke English.

Meryl Brooks: It was a fight for Tom, and it was the best thing I ever did.

Tom: Everything all right down there?

Meryl Brooks: Not now! EVERYTHING is not about you.

Tom: Okay, whatever. Listen, you get guests here from all over the world, it's up to you to have some American on your signs.

Sarah: He means English.

[after being shocked while trying to charge the battery in an adult toy]

Tom: Good thing that didn't happen while we were using it.

Mr. McNerney: Listen, Leezak. I don't expect a "cracker" like you to be considerably a good match for my daughter, but I'll tell you what I do expect: I expect you pay me back in full as soon as that silly-ass radio show yields any kind of personal income. Goodbye, cracker!

[hangs up the phone]

Tom: Assbag!

Tom: I specifically asked for a compact.

Sarah: This is a European compact.

Tom: No, this is a Ringling Brothers compact! I don't understand it. I loooked at the brochure and it had a Fiesta on the cover, not a Bingo!

Sarah: Baby, just floor it.

Tom: I *am* flooring it! If I pushed any harder, my foot would blow through the floor and we would be Flintstone-ing our asses there!

Tom: [weilding a fire poker] Hello Peter! So happy you could join us!

Sarah: Tom what are you doing?

Tom: I was thinking, that it's time for Peter and I to TANGO!

[smashes vase with poker]

Peter: He's crazy! See you have no furture with this guy.

Sarah: Peter, shut up. Tom you're acting like a crazy person.

Tom: Oh yeah? Well, maybe that's cause I just got hit in the head with a ten-pound ashtray !

[shrugs shoulders]

Peter: I'm warning you Leizak

[strikes a kung fu stance]

Peter: I studied karate with a Grand Master.

Tom: Yeah? Well I sure hope he showed ya how to pull a fire poker outta your ass!

Tom: Look, Yuan, Willie, whoever else is listening. You don't want me to be with Sarah and I can't change that. I don't know where we're gonna be in 10, 20, 40 years. I don't know who we're gonna be. I don't know if I'm ever gonna be able to give her all of this. There are a million things that I don't know. But there's one thing that I do. And that's that I love Sarah. And I am going to love her day in and day out for the rest of my life. Now, will you please... please... open the gate so I can tell that to my wife.

Peter: I'm not afraid of you. I studied martial arts with some of the best Chinese masters.

Tom: Well, I sure hope they taught you how to pull a fire poker out of your ass.

Sarah: Tom, you're acting like a crazy person!

Tom: Well, MAYBE it's cuz I just got hit in the HEAD with a ten pound ASHTRAY!

[Shrugs his shoulders sarcastically]

Tom: I need to know everything... where, when, how small his weiner is.

Tom: Are you going to tell me what really happened with Peter?

Sarah: Are you going to tell me what really happened with red bra?

Tom: Nothing happened

Sarah: I hope you used a condom

Tom: I hope Peter used a condom

Sarah: I'm sorry, they don't make condoms that big.

Tom: That's funny

[to a fellow passenger]

Tom: we've got a comedian here

Sarah: You wanna hear something funny, I'm moving out when we get back

Tom: I'm just gonna stop talking

[The other passengers clap]

Tom: The first sex I had on my honeymoon, was with a man named Santino.

Tom: I just hope that... I can be... all that I can... be... in this... family...

Sarah: Is that a Thunderstick A-200o

Tom: When did you become an expert?

Sarah: I told you about that night in college.

Tom: But you never told me about the hardware.

Sarah: Getting a visual

Tom: We gotta charge this thing

Sarah: That plug won't fit in European outlet.

Tom: I'll make it fit.

Sarah: Don't force it.

Tom: Hey, we're in this together.

Sarah: Do you have four guys staring at your boobies right now? No.

Sarah: Tom, have you ever not told me something cause you were afraid of how I would react? Like have you ever not told me the truth about anything?

Tom: Like when I told you I liked your brother?

Sarah: This is serious Tom.

Tom: I am serious, I really don't like him.

Tom: Wow, Pussy's never insulted me. Now I feel loved!

Tom: Those birds are psychotic.

Sarah: [crying on wedding night] Tomorrow my parents are going to know I'm not a virgin anymore!

Tom: You haven't been a virgin since college.

Sarah: Yeah, but tomorrow they're going to know for sure.

Tom: So, everyone thinks we're crazy for doing this, huh?

Sarah: Since when do we care what people think.

Tom: So basically, you're asking me if I would rather be married to Sarah or have 51 one night stands.

Kyle: Minimum.

Tom: I don't even have to think about it.

Kyle: Ok, is there a girl you wished you'd hooked up with, but didn't?

Tom: You are like the worst best man ever!

Tom: We haven't had sex once since we got married! And I'm-

[Sarah starts laughing]

Tom: -why are you laughing? I'm concerned!

Kyle: Rich daddy equals expectations. Expectations are like a fungal rot on a marriage.

Tom: Our marriage is not going to have a 'fungal rot'.

Kyle: Unless she finds out you slaughtered her dog!

[laughs, then stops, seeing Tom's expression]

Kyle: Oh, don't worry, I'll take that to my grave.

Tom: Son of a beotch! My skull is on firee!

Tom: Girl, we are never gonna forget this honeymoon.

Tom: Maybe we should just have sex.

Sarah: Call me crazy, but I'm not in the mood to make love to you.

Tom: How often are the Dodgers on TV in Europe.

Tom: HOOKER!

Sarah: MURDERER!

Tom: And the hits just keep on coming.

Wendy: Oh my god! This is like the Twilight Zone.

Tom: I couldn't agree with you more.

Tom: I had the perfect relationship which was ruined by marriage.

Tom: [Sarah waves a red bra in front of Tom] That's yours.

Kyle: I hope she doesn't spook on you, man.

Tom: What are you talking about?

Kyle: Oh, I love Sarah, don't get me wrong, but... rich chicks spook.

Tom: We're keeping the champagne jock strap!

Mr. Leezak: Gonna tell me what your chewin' on?

Tom: I just don't know if love is enough anymore.

Mr. Leezak: What do you mean, "enough"?

Tom: I mean... Even if Sarah and I do love each other... maybe we did need more time to get to know each other.

Mr. Leezak: So...

[clears throat]

Mr. Leezak: what your saying here is... you had a couple of bad days in Europe and... it's over. Time to grow up, Tommy.

Tom: Hmm?

Mr. Leezak: Some days your mother and me loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next. I'm sorry your honeymoon stunk but that's what you got dealt. Now you gotta work through it. Sarah doesn't need a guy with a fat wallet to make her happy. I saw how you love this girl. How you two lit each other up. She doesn't need anymore security than that.

Tom: Thanks, dad.

Willie McNerney: We'll sic the hounds on you Leezak.

Tom: BRING EM ON, WILLIE!

Tom: The beauty of quitting is, now that I've quit, I can have one, 'cause I've quit.

Tom: Well... we could go to Taco Bell if that's more your style.

Iggy: You callin' me a Taco Bell kind of guy?

Sam: When are you gonna marry me Milly?

Milly: Oh, next week Sam.

Tom: She's gonna marry me, ain't you Milly?

Milly: What would your wife say Tom?

[Josh comes into gymnasium late]

Coach Barker: Framm! You're late!

Josh Framm: I'm here to try out for the team.

Larry Willingham: [laughing] He can't try out. He's the water boy.

Larry Willingham: Framm! Where did you get that?

Josh Framm: It was in my locker.

Coach Barker: Well, it wasn't supposed to be.

Josh Framm: Would it be too much trouble if I tried out anyway?

Tom: Coach, just let him.

Coach Barker: All right, but if you slow down my tryout, I'm gonna have to pull you out.

Tom: Vinnie you dickhead

Droz: Want some advice?

Tom: Well, yeah.

Droz: Well, here's all you need to know. Classes: nothing before eleven. Beer: it's your best friend, you drink a lot. Women? You're a freshman, so it's pretty much out of the question. Will you have a car?

Tom: Uh, no.

Droz: Someone on your floor will. Find them and make friends with them on the first day.

Tom: What's he doin?

Droz: He's finishing his senior thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is, 24 hours a day, you can find a Michael Caine or Gene Hackman movie playing on TV.

Tom: That's his thesis?

Droz: Yes! That's the beauty of college these days, Tommy! You can major in Game Boy if you know how to bullshit.

Tom: I'll have a decaf coffee.

Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.

Morris Frost: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.

Ted: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.

Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.

Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Tom: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Morris Frost: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.

[during a game of Pyramid with Jackie and Bret]

Eli Wyckoff: The ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.

Tom: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Allegedly? What are you, nuts?

[last lines]

Tom: And the thing about Rhett Butler...

Eli Wyckoff: Yeah?

Tom: He wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?

Tom: Jackie would love this bear... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he?

Eli Wyckoff: [interrupting him] Was he, was he, WAS he!

Tom: That's what I said

Eli Wyckoff: No, no. You said "Was heeeee?" It's "WAS he"

Tom: What's the difference?

Eli Wyckoff: You're kidding, right? You just established that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair; why would you then ask "Was heeee?" like a question, like you didn't know if he was fuzzy or not?

Tom: It *is* a question, I'm asking if Fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy, what is so wrong about that?

Eli Wyckoff: It is a rhetorical question, it's supposed to be ironic! "Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... *was* he?"

Tom: Where you going?

Jackie: Uhh, home, to officially 'not call'.

Tom: No, no, no, no, you were supposed to stay here and watch Lifetime Television for Women and Gay Men!

Jackie: Uhh, no.

Tom: It's Joan Van Ark in "Not Without My Nose Job".

Jackie: Oh, angel, I've already lived that movie!

Tom: Wow-zee-wow-wow Roxy!

Tom: You're funny, Mr. Miller. Really funny.

Mary: You can't go around with a big sign saying don't fall in love with me I'm married.

Tom: Well, most people wear a ring.

Mary: Well he didn't.

Katie: I went to a college in Croydon.

Mary: [in an intimidating manner] Which College in Croydon?

Katie: [responding awkwardly] ... The Croydon College.

Tom: The aptly named!

Mary: But he wasn't a bad person. He loved me.

Tom: Sounds to me that he was a duplicitous shit.

Tom: I seem to remember you got banned from a number of pubs in Hull for shouting about nothing when you were a young person.

Ken: [retelling the event] "Ken, we like you. You're a good bloke, you're good on the darts, but if you talk about politics again, you're barred!".

[both burst into laughter]

Tom: Alright, I dig holes.

Katie: That's just calling a spade a spade, isn't it ?

Gerri: I always call it a shovel.

Tom: You call it a fork. I call it a trailer-mounted tripod cable percussive boring unit.

Gerri: That's why I love him.

V: Nobody's treated me the way you do before.

Tom: How do I treat you?

V: Like a person.

Tom: How does everybody else treat you?

V: Like a hooker.

Tom: Why do they treat you like that?

V: Because I am hooker!

Frank Wheeler: [brings Tom into the kitchen where V is on the phone] Look, Dad... it's a girl! What do you say?

Tom: [puzzled] Thank you?

David: We should just kill her.

Ronnie: Sure.

Tom: But you gotta think about the kid, growing up without a mother. I wouldn't do that to a kid.

David: Well, it's better than growing up with that troll as your mother.

Tom: That's so true.

Ronnie: That's true.

Tom: Or we could kill *him*.

Ronnie: Ramone?

Tom: What? Dude. No, War... you don't kill a fucking baby. Ward.

David: She dead?

Ronnie: Yeah.

Tom: Oh, yeah.

Gina: Your hair looks great!

Amanda: You like it? I'm not sure.

Gina: Yeah! Really great.

Laurel Pearson: Here's to granting others the serenity to change the things you cannot accept.

Tom: And the courage to accept large amounts of change serenely.

Frank Falenczyk: And the wisdom to know the difference.

Frank Falenczyk: Does that mean you're my sponsor?

Tom: Does that mean you're asking?

Frank Falenczyk: Is this the part where we kiss?

Tom: [regarding Frank's admission of his career as a hitman to the Alcoholics Anonymous group] Actually, it went better than you think. It did

Laurel Pearson: How do you know they won't tell the police?

Frank Falenczyk: It's Alcoholics Anonymous.

Tom: Somehow I don't really feel that's what they had in mind when they came up with the name, but you never know.

Tom: [Frank is trying to eat a cookie] No, no, you're not suppose to eat those, they're just for show, 'kay?

Frank Falenczyk: Oh.

[throws away cookie]

Tom: I'm kidding. I'm Tom.

[they shake hands]

Frank Falenczyk: Frank.

Tom: Hi. This your first time?

Frank Falenczyk: I've had cookies before.

Julie: I love this song.

Tom: Is that a signal?

Brad Schorr: Did you have sex with the dead guy's mother?

Tom: Don't make a big deal out of it!

Brad Schorr: Did you tell Scott?

Ruth Abernathy: [In restaurant, in front of Julie and her parents] So, this is Julie! Why don't you tell her, Tom, what you did to your best friend's mother?

Tom: He wasn't my best friend. I hardly knew him!

Tom: What happened to all your cash?

Steve: What?

Tom: Don't you get royalties and stuff?

Steve: I lost it all.

Tom: You must have had SUCH a good time.

Steve: I sure hope so. I don't remember any of the good parts. I don't remember a damn thing.

Mary: Tom, where's your helmet?

Tom: It's chained to my bike.

Mary: You are using it, aren't you, Tom?

Tom: Yes, Mom.

Mary: Do you know the number of people I've seen that'd still be alive if they'd worn a helmet?

Tom: Did you see those paramedics?

Mary: Yeah. The old lady downstairs... Crrrrrk!

Tom: Maybe if she would have worn a helmet...

Mary: Tom!

Jonah: You don't just attack someone for no reason.

Tom: If I was schizophrenic, I might.

Jonah: Schizophrenics hear voices.

Tom: I hear music. Does that count?

Steve: You got secrets; so, the way I see it, we have us a... blackmail Mexican standoff. You try to ruin my life, I WILL ruin yours. I like that. It's a balance of power. Takes us back to the way we were before. We can just go on ignoring each other.

Tom: Yeah, but it's not balanced. I'll tell everyone that you're Max Stone.

Steve: Yeah, and I will tell your mom about the Devil's music.

Tom: Well... I'll tell everyone you tried to touch me.

Steve: Get out!

Tom: [from outside] Someone, help! It's a peedo!

Steve: "Pedo," retard.

Tom: Do you think I can do it?

Steve: Got a few things workin' against you.

Tom: Like?

Steve: Well, you have a crippling shyness that renders you incapable of playing in front of anyone except me.

Tom: Right, apart from that.

Tom: Who's your best friend?

Hudson: Nate Walson.

Tom: In *this* city.

Hudson: You.

Tom: Look, I've kept my part of the bargain for Chloe's sake.

Maria Hardy: Well, maybe Chloe deserves more than a bargain, Tom.

[strokes his cheek, then turns to Larry]

Maria Hardy: Larry Kozinski, I would love to dance with you.

Tom: [Repeated line] Mums the word.

Jackie: [after being pranked, angrily] Jerks! When in the hell are you gonna grow up?

Susie: You guys, that was really immature!

Michael: Hey, we didn't know you'd be dancing around naked.

Tom: If we knew, we would've come sooner.

Tobey: What's another kind of flower that you can get for a girl besides a rose?

Tom: What about an orchid?

Tobey: Are you kidding? That's even more expensive!

Therapist: So what are the issues?

Tom: No sex.

Rebecca: Well, that's your issue.

Tom: I'd say that's our issue.

Rebecca: No, I'm just not a sex maniac like you are.

Tom: I'm not a maniac, I just like it.

Rebecca: [mouths to Therapist] Twice a day.

Tobey: What kind of porn are you looking at?

Tom: Good old fashioned man-woman woman-horse stuff.

Tobey: Oh, you're a purist.

[first lines]

David: I need help!

Tom: I'll go.

Tom: Did I tell you I had a dream last night, that you gave me a blow job?

Rebecca: Yeah? I had a dream that I gave you a German Shepherd.

Tom: Isn't that illegal?

Craig: Tom, never let the law stand in the way of a good time.

Geena: We spend hours making ourselves look completely different, and then we go into some dark place where we really can't see each other anyway, and then we drink so we don't know if the other person is really interesting or just seems interesting 'cause they're pretending to be interested in the person that we're pretending to be.

Tom: Uh, right. So I guess there's no getting around it. We're gonna have to lie to each other.

Tom: Well, fine. Well then I'll just go over there and say, "Hi, I'm Tom and you don't know me, but I've been spying on you for a couple of months now and I am finding you very attractive in a very real, very hormonal way." And then she'll slap me silly.

Craig: There are worse things in this world than getting slapped by a beautiful woman, you'll see.

Craig: You like lingerie, Tommy?

Tom: Well, I've really only read about it.

Geena: That was awesome! We were almost killed!

Tom: Well, the night is still young.

Tom: [at a mob-owned Chinese restaurant] He's trying to kill us!

Geena: With what? MSG?

Tom: Sorry I'm late, but my car broke down and I had to hijack a bus.

Tolen: [suspicious] Are you a homosexual?

Tom: No. Thanks all the same.

Tom: What's the most frightening building in London?

Colin: Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children.

Tom: I believe you're right.

Nancy Jones: What's that?

Colin: Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children.

Nancy Jones: That's nice. That's true. That's a nice thing to say.

[of Tolen's "rough play" with women]

Tom: Just think of what you could do with a real whip, Tolen. A real whip.

Tom: I know you got a lot on your mind. I know you got a lot of things to figure out. And, uh, up until very recently I thought I needed you here. With me in my life to feel the way I feel about you. But just all of a sudden I just suddenly realized I don't. I mean, I want us to be together and everything. But I just realized I don't need you here with me in order for me to love you. Cause I'm always gonna love you. And if you were to leave right now and go to China for 6 months, I'm still gonna love you. And if you gain 50lbs, I'm still gonna love you. And, you know what, if after the moment I never see you again, I'm still gonna love you. And if you don't feel that way about me, I know it's gotta be tough on ya, 'cause, it's been hell on me as it is. And I know that your the greatest thing that ever was. And I'm just lucky to have spent the last three years of my life with you.

[... ]

Tom: I think you should go and figure out whatever it is you need to figure out. And if you wanna come back, come back. And if you don't, that's cool too. You gotta know that you are the love of my life. And I'm just lucky to have known you. Good night Sara

Megan: SPOILERS: I'm pregnant.

Tom: [Smiles] Congratulations

Megan: I thought you should know.

Tom: You thought I should know?

Megan: [Nods] There's a chance it could be yours.

Tom: Then get an abortion.

[pause]

Tom: Or, if it's Scott's do whatever you want. But, if it's not, then get rid of it.

[Walks away]

Megan: [Catches up to him] You can be as involved as you want.

Tom: You're a shitty nanny. What makes you think you're gonna be a good mother?

Megan: Why did you bring me there in the first place?

Tom: Because I thought it would be fun to have you both around.

[Walks up to Megan and tries to grab her hand. She pulls away and he looks at her in shock]

Megan: I played your game so you could fuck me in between Evie's playdates.

Tom: I don't need another kid. Certainly not with you.

Megan: [Runs up to him] I took care of your kid to be near you!

[Shoves Tom in the back]

Megan: You fucked Anna 'cause you couldn't fuck Rachel anymore, and you fucked me 'cause you couldn't fuck Anna. Take us all away and you're just a pathetic, impotent man.

Tom: [Tom pushes Megan. She trips over a fallen log and falls backwards, knocking the back of her head into a large boulder]

Megan: [Groans several times in pain]

Tom: [Looks around to see if anyone saw what just happened]

Megan: [Looks defiantly at Tom] You're not gonna get rid of me. You're gonna pay for this child for the rest of your life.

Tom: [Kicks her in the head twice, mutters to himself, then looks around again. He picks up Megan by her legs and drags her and then positions her in the mud underneath a tilted pile of brush, logs and leaves]

Megan: [Regains consciousness with a horribly bloody face and begins screaming]

Tom: [Picks up a sizable rock and slams it into Megan's head repeatedly. Her screams end]

Tom: Jesus Christ, Rachel, what the hell is wrong with you? I spent the last hour looking around for you. You scared the shit out of Anna, do you know that? She thought you were gonna... she wanted to call the police. So just... leave us alone. You can ruin your own life if you want to but you're not going to destroy ours. I'm not going to protect you any more.

Tom: You're so fucking pathetic.

Tom: Two people only hurt each other if they doubt the love they have for one another.

Grace: But I've got nothing to offer them in return.

Tom: Oh, I think you have plenty to offer Dogville.

Grace: What? What is it?

Tom: A man can't really be blamed for being scared, now can he?

Grace: No.

Tom: No. I was scared, Grace. I used you and I am sorry. I'm stupid, I am, maybe even arrogant sometimes.

Grace: You are, Tom.

Tom: Although using people is not very charming, I think you have to agree that this - specific illustration has surpassed all expectations. It says so much about being human! It's been painful, but I think you'll also have to agree it's been edifying, wouldn't you say?

Grace: Not now, Tom. Not now.

[Grace walks away and reenters The Big Man's car]

Grace: If there is any town this world would be better without, this is it.

[the town sits at dinner on the Fourth of July]

Ma Ginger: A police car has just been seen in town and it has just made the turn up Canyon Road! So they'll be here any minute.

Martha: Should I ring the bell?

Tom: No, Martha. Grace probably heard.

[Tom offers a piece of bread to Grace]

Tom: You want to eat? You must be hungry.

Grace: I can't. I don't deserve that bread. I stole that bone. I've never stolen anything before. So now, now I have to punish myself. I was raised to be arrogant. So, I... I had to teach myself these things.

Tom: Well, it may be for your education. Grace, in this town... In these times... It's very impolite not to eat what's set before you.

Kevin: I just want to say it was horrible what those kids did. And the whole incident points up a fundamental moral breakdown in our society.

Mr. Burkewaite: Thank you, Kevin, for your insightful self-righteous indignation. I'd still like to hear from Tom.

Tom: Would you just quit staring at me like that, man?

Kevin: [to teacher] Don't you think violence is wrong?

Tom: Aw, fuck off, Kevin. Wasting pigs is radical, man.

Tom: I don't have any gloves.

Tom: Did you smoke then?

Lee: I don't know. I can't remember.

Tom: Surely not in the priest's box?

Lee: No, of course not.

Tom: It was more than a game. It was a private joke.

Mr. Heaton: Most of you are going to go on to college. You're gonna be the people that change the world. Believe me, the world is changing. For example, Betsy. Betsy, you're going to major in computer science! Ed, Ed's gonna be an electrical engineer. And, er, Tom. Uh, oh, Tom, what were you again?

Tom: Modern dance.

Tom: My mother is a lost soul

Tom: Jerry, you're angry, and you're holding a power tool. This is not advisable. Says so right on the box: "Do not operate while under the influence of alcohol or while pissed off."

Tom: Jerry, are you familiar with the expression "Curiosity strangled the cat"?

Jerry: I always thought it was "Curiosity killed the cat".

Tom: God lives in the details, Jerry.

[first lines]

Tom: You want us to take the hood off for a while?

Stanley: No thanks.

Tom: Could be a while, make it easier to breathe...

Stanley: I'm okay.

Tom: Suit yourself.

Tom: We always think we know the ones we love

[from trailer]

Tom: What extremes would you go to save yourself?

[from trailer]

Tom: Under pressure that's when we see who you really are, what you're really capable of

[from trailer]

Kate: Do you think I'm a pretty angel?

Tom: Yeah.

Kate: Do you fancy me?

Tom: huh?

Kate: What do you look so nervous for? Relax!

Tom: [trying to find out if Will is one of their janitors, irritated that the janitor is being unhelpful] This is Professor Lambeau!

Head Janitor: [taking Tom's remark as snobbery, he motions to his assistant] And this is Professor Hays.

Col. Jessup: [in Jessup's office] Hmmmm... transfer Santiago. Yes, I'm sure you're right. I'm sure that's the thing to do. Wait, I've got a better idea. Let's transfer the whole squad off the base. Let's... On second thought, Windward! Let's transfer the whole Windward Division off the base. John, go on out there and get those boys down off the fence, they're packing their bags. Tom!

Tom: Yes, sir!

Col. Jessup: Get me the President on the phone. We're surrendering our position in Cuba!

Tom: Yes, sir.

Col. Jessup: Wait a minute, Tom, don't get the President just yet. Maybe we should consider this for a second. Dismissed, Tom. Maybe, and I'm just spit balling here, maybe, we have a responsibility as officers to traing Santiago. Maybe we as officers have a responsibility to this country to see to that the men and women charged with its security are trained professionals. Yes, I'm certain that I read that somewhere once. And now I'm thinking,Col. Markinson, that your suggestion of transferring Santiago, while expeditious and certainly painless, might not be, in a matter of speaking, the American way. Santiago stays where he is. We're gonna train the lad!

Andrew: You haven't told me who you are.

Nina: I'm a dancer.

Andrew: No, I meant your name.

Nina: Oh, Nina.

Tom: So are you two sisters?

Nina: No.

Lily: Yes! Blood sisters.

Nina: We dance in the same company.

Tom: Ah, ballerinas. No wonder you two look alike.

Lily: So, you know, Tom and Jerry here are gay lovers.

Andrew: I've never been to the ballet.

Lily: Well then you are definitely not gay.

Tom: I think it's kind of boring though, isn't it?

Nina: No it's not!

Lily: No. You know what? It's just not for everyone.

Roz: Hi! Where have you been?

Tom: At Lil's. Doing to her what Ian's been doing to you.

[Roz slaps him hard]

Roz: Where are you going?

Ian: To your room.

[Ian leaves]

Lil: Ian!

[Lil looks slyly towards Tom]

Tom: [to Lil] See you at yours.

[closeup to Lil with lustful expressions]

Denise Hennessey: [finishes kissing Tom] What's my name?

Tom: Tom

Denise Hennessey: Where've you been?

Tom: With all the wrong women.

[he kisses her again]

Angel: Today for you, tomorrow for me!

Tom: And you should hear her beat.

Mark: You earned this on the street?

Angel: It was my lucky day today on Avenue A when the lady in the limousine drove my way - she said, "Darling, be a dear - haven't slept in a year! I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear! This akita - Evita - just won't shut up! I believe if you play nonstop that pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath. I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death!"

Angel: Today for you, tomorrow for me!

Tom: And you should hear her beat.

Roger: You earned this on the street?

Angel: It was my lucky day today on Avenue A when the lady in the limousine drove my way - she said, "Darling, be a dear - haven't slept in a year! I need your help to make my neighbor's yappy dog disappear! This akita - Evita - just won't shut up! I believe if you play nonstop that pup will breathe its very last high-strung breath. I'm certain that cur will bark itself to death!"

[last lines]

Tom: [to Mud] Come on, son. You gotta see this.

Tom: The real reason Mud's in all the trouble he's got is because of her. He's been in love with that girl since he was your age. Trouble is she don't care about nobody but herself.

Helen: What about the rest of the world?

Tom: I don't care about the rest of the world!

[Seeing her shocked expression]

Tom: You'll feel different when you read about me in the papers.

Helen: I feel different now.

Minnie: I feel sorry for them kids.

Tom: The ones on the rock, you mean?

Minnie: Yeah, them too. I was thinking of them other poor little devils. Here at the college.

Tom: Damn! They're all right. Rolling in cash, most of them. Or at least their mothers and fathers are.

Minnie: Some of them are orphans, or wards, and you know.

Tom: And why doesn't anybody talk to you?

Francis: I don't care about people, so people don't care about me, you know.

Tom: [after shaking Owen's hand] I just beat off.

Regina: I hate to be the bitch but are we gonna play or what?

Tom: Aw Regina, you love to be the bitch.

Regina: I can't get caught in the boys dorm again.

Tom: Like the last time when we hooked up?

Regina: You mean when you jerked off to my yearbook photo?

Randall: Can I borrow your car?

Tom: Yea man, you know, just leave the keys on the tire and don't get any blood on the back seat.

Randall: I wouldn't dream of it. I want this to be special, you know, like in the middle of the woods up against a tree.

Regina: You're a pig.

Randall: You're a dyke.

Regina: Die a violent death.

Randall: Tom, who's your new boyfriend?

Tom: You'll have to excuse Randall here. He doesn't know the difference between a roommate and a cellmate. Everybody, this is Owen. Owen this is everybody.

Regina: I hate to be the bitch here but are we going to play, or what?

Tom: Aw, Regina, you love to be the bitch!

Dodger: Alright, alright, everybody put your money in.

Tom: Yo Obi-Wan, have you seen my shoulder pads?

Tom: Yo O-Dog, what do you think a murder victim looks like?

Tom: He's just pissed cause he's fat.

Regina: And they only just found that girls body today because it was dragged through the woods by a wolf.

Tom: Yeah listen, the guy blew her head off. Then just let the wild life go to town.

Mercedes: Why's it have to be a guy?

Tom: Serial killers are always guy.

Regina: Just the one's that get caught baby.

Mercedes: Serial means more than one jackass.

Tom: You're not taking your SAT book to my lake house this weekend are you?

Tom: Hey, she's dead? Hey, what the hell are you doing, you didn't say anything about a dead body, we were supposed to save her life!

Paul Conway: [Tom falls off his bike] Geez. Arey ou all right?

Tom: What the hell is that?

Paul Conway: Oh, his name is BB. Are you all right?

BB: BB.

Tom: Yeah, sure. Ha. Is he for real? Where did you get him?

Paul Conway: I made him. What's your name?

Tom: Tom.

Paul Conway: BB, this is Tom.

[BB puts his mechanical arm out to shake hands]

Paul Conway: Come on, it's okay.

[Tom and BB shake hands]

Paul Conway: .

Tom: I can't believe this.

[BB helps Tom up off the ground]

Paul Conway: [Elvira rolls the basketball inside her house] Hey, you can't do that.

Elvira Parker: Oh yes, I can. My property. My house. My ball.

Tom: What a witch!

Tom: I saw you.

Jessie: Saw me what?

Tom: In the bath...

Jessie: Yeah?

Tom: What were you doing?

Jessie: What do you think? I got in and he got out.

Tom: That's not what i saw.

Jessie: Well, that's all it was.

Tom: Where were you?

Jessie: It's a pretty weird thing you're suggesting, if you're saying what i think you're saying. I haven't told you to f@ck off or anything, which i probably should've. Nothing happened, OK? I'd tell you.

Tom: You couldn't.

Jessie: Yes, i could. You OK now?

Jack: Wonder if they're watching us now.

Tom: Who?

Jack: Mum and Dad. Think they're in Heaven?

Tom: Don't know about Dad but Mum's in the cellar.

Jack: What do you mean?

Tom: She's in the cellar under that big metal case and all that hard stuff.

Lena: And you want to try to arrest me again?

Tom: No, I'm afraid of you.

Lummer: Good morning. You're early

Tom: Yeah...

Lummer: Did you even go home?

Tom: I couldn't sleep.

Lummer: Why so?

Tom: No idea. Afraid of missing something.

Lummer: I'll give you some advise: Find something to offset your job.

Tom: Like a hobby?

Lummer: No like a private life. Cuddling and smooching.

Tom: A Guilt is a powerful thing. It compels... it becomes an obsession... and You have a choice... you can either wallow in it or you can change.

Miriam: -Be careful that you don't go so far out that you can't find your way back.

Tom: -What if I don't want to get back?

Tom: [on the war refugees] They're sure pitiful.

Thomas Hudson: They're the lucky ones. They got here.

Tom: You know how much fun we had this summer? You know how much I wish we could all be here together, all the time? You know, that Davey is some brother. I was so proud of him with that fish. Dad, I know you love him the most. And that's right cause he's the best of us.

Thomas Hudson: Why do you say I love him the most?

Tom: You ought to.

Thomas Hudson: I've loved you the longest.

Evelyn: What did the man of the pension tell you?

Tom: Just that something strange had happened to the kids on the island.

Evelyn: Strange... But what?

Tom: I don't know. Some sort of madness. I can't understand this.

Janie: [During a dream] I've got it! I'll marry all three of 'em.

Tom, Dick, Harry: All three of us?

Janie: Sure!

Tom, Dick, Harry: Do you think it'd work?

Janie: Why not? I think the four of us would make a lovely couple.

Tom: What's the matter, Janie? What are you thinkin' about?

Janie: The picture.

Tom: Oh, do you think it was true to life?

Tom: Hey, Janie, how 'bout you and I driving out to Inspiration Point for a little while, huh?

Janie: Not tonight, Tom.

Tom: Why not? No, I just want to talk to you.

Janie: That's what you always say.

Tom: No, honest, this time I really mean it. Just talk.

Janie: Aw, you're out there and you see me and you do what you do.

Tom: Yes, but it won't do any harm, just talk.

Janie: Well, okay.

Tom: I kinda think I've done pretty well.

Janie: [shakes her head no] You certainly have.

Tom: And I've done it all for you Janie. You don't belong in that telephone company, gettin' up early every morning and pluggin' in phone calls all day for people. You deserve something better than that. And I'm gonna get it for you.

Janie: No!

Tom: No?

Janie: Yeah, no.

Tom: Well...

Janie: Oh, I don't mean no exactly, I mean, well, no for now.

Tom: Janie, you made me the happiest girl in the world!

Janie: Girl?

Tom: No, I mean, I hope you are because I am. Oh, I don't know what I mean. I'm all mixed up. I don't know what I'm sayin'.

Tom: There's a little car right there that's the finest thing on the market and the most amazing thing about it is the price, only five hundred and ninety-eight dollars.

Harry: Five hundred and ninety...

Tom: Yes sir. That little car's got more zip, more class, more efficiency, more economy than a dive bomber.

Tom: Gosh, will your girlfriend be surprised when she sees us?

Harry: Oh, she sure will!

Tom: Listen, when we get there, I want you and the girlfriend to climb right in that little ol' back seat. Just forget that I'm here. I don't want you to be conscience of my presence. You know what I mean?

Harry: Sure do.

Dick: And when Cinderella came home, her two ugly sisters were waiting for her.

Tom: Who is this guy, Janie?

Janie: Tom meet Dick. Dick meet Harry. Harry meet Tom. Tom meet Janie. Janie meet the situation.

Tom: [points to Harry] Janie, I want you to tell this fuzzle-top feather-merchant who you're engaged to.

Janie: [points to Dick] Him.

Harry: Him?

Tom: Him?

Janie: Him.

Tom: What about me?

Janie: I'm engaged to you too.

Dick: What?

Tom: You mean you're engaged to both of us?

Janie: I'm engaged to all three of you.

Dick: What?

Tom: But you can't be!

Janie: Why not? You all asked me.

Arthur: Who have you got waiting for you, Tommy?

Tom: Who have I got?

[pauses]

Tom: Well, there's Mum and Dad, I suppose... and Tina.

Arthur: [smiling] Good for you, mate. Let me guess. She got brown hair, brown eyes, pale skin, nice tits, right?

Tom: [grinning] Tina is a cocker spaniel.

[pauses]

Tom: She's a lovely dog.

Arthur: A bitch?

Tom: Yeah, a bitch.

Angelina Tyler: Maybe it's not meant to be...

Tom: Not meant to be? You in that town search for the new Sidney. 50,000 girls and they pick you! You gotta be praying this movie keeps going!

Angelina Tyler: Of course I am but not at the expense of people's lives.

Tom: Oh, cue the violins!

Tom: Hey. It's the real Gale Weathers.

Gale: Real from top to bottom.

Ben: How long have guys you been down there? I could have used some help up here!

Harry Cooper: That's the cellar. It's the safest place.

Ben: You mean you didn't hear the racket I was making up here?

Harry Cooper: How were we supposed to know what was going on? It could have been those things for all we knew!

Ben: That girl was screaming. Surely you know what a girl screaming sounds like? Those things don't make any noise. Anybody would know somebody needed help!

Tom: Look, it's kind of hard to know what's going on from down there.

Harry Cooper: We thought we could hear screams, but for all we knew, that meant those things were in the house after her.

Ben: And you wouldn't come up here and help?

Tom: Well, if there were more of us...

Harry Cooper: That racket sounded like the place was being ripped apart. How were we supposed to know what was going on?

Ben: Now wait a minute. You just got finished saying you couldn't hear anything from down there. Now you say it sounded like the place was being ripped apart. It would be nice if you got your story straight, man!

Harry Cooper: All right, now you tell me! I'm not gonna take that kind of a chance when we've got a safe place! We lock up into a safe place, and you're telling us that we gotta come up here and risk our lives just because somebody might need help, huh?

Ben: Yeah, something like that.

Harry Cooper: Look! You two can do whatever you like! I'm going back down to the cellar, and you'd better decide! 'Cause I'm gonna board up that door, and I'm not going to unlock it again no matter what happens!

Tom: Now wait a minute, Mr. Cooper.

Harry Cooper: NO, I'm not going to wait! I've made my decision, now you make yours!

Tom: Now WAIT a minute! Let's think about this! We can make it to the cellar if we have to! And if we do decide to stay down there, we'll need some things from up here! So let's at LEAST consider this a while!

Tom: Well... the television said that's the right thing to do.

Tom: Okay, yeah, right away!

Tom: I'm supposed to dig.

Tom: They're dead, but they're comin' right for us!

Tom: [lighting up weed] Okay, that's my last joint.

Farid: Liar.

Tom: Okay, me second to last... third to last, maximum.

Tom: [driving around] We're still in France here?

Farid: We're in the Middle Ages.

Tom: Good evening, ladies. Can we get a room?

Gilberte: Everything is possible here. All the rooms are available.

Tom: Well, it's our lucky day.

Gilberte: I don't know. You have a lucky number?

Tom: Two. We can do so many things in twos.

Tom: Don't you want a guy like me? A real man. You probably don't see many in here.

Gilberte: Usually we have truck drivers here. You... you look sensitive.

Farid: He bangs anything that moves.

Tom: [to Gilberte] I'm a sensitive guy.

[points to eyes]

Tom: Look, my sensitivity is right there.

[points to crotch]

Tom: And it's there, too.

Gilberte: Something wrong?

Tom: Let's say that I didn't think we'd eat like a family, but I'm all right.

Klaudia: It's more cozy.

Tom: [to Farid] Fascist country. I told you that France was ten years behind the USA. Here it comes - finally we have our George Bush.

Lisa: I've never been through this part of the city.

Tom: A shortcut. We just have to cross the GW Bridge and it's about three minutes to Exit 9.

Lisa: Will Gloria, Howard and Glenda be there already?

Tom: So I assume. Howard said that they were leaving early so I gave him the key.

Lisa: So they can spend more time being bored.

Tom: I can see it now. Glenda will start sighing, so Gloria and Howard will run upstairs and start screwing!

Lisa: Exactly!

Tom: Oh that's a relief! That God you're still open. My car just started making these noises.

Alex: Sounds like it's running fine to me.

Tom: I don't know. Maybe it's something with the electical system.

Alex: If it's the electrical system, it's going to take about three or four hours to fix... and I'm going boogying!

Tom: [pulls some cash out of his wallet] Will 20 do it? I'm in a hurry.

Alex: I know what it's like. It's a bitch when you car breaks down. Especially if you're in a hurry.

Tom: Here's $40. Will you fix it now?

Alex: You don't know too much about cars, do you?

Tom: No, I don't.

Alex: I'll tell you what... I'll give you my own do-it-yourself handbook and you can fix the car... while I go boogying! Or... you can take this $40 and hire yourself a limousine and you'll be home in no time flat.

Ricky: Alex, will you lend me 20 bucks? I need to be covered.

[Alex looks at Ricky's cards and lends him a $20 bill]

Ricky: [lays down his cards] Three aces.

Tom: [lays down his cards] Not good enough. Flush. Want to play another hand?

Ricky: I'm clean. You guys cleaned me out.

Alex: [hands Ricky a $100 bill] Here. Let's play one more hand. Be careful, Ricky. They're taking you for a ride. These bastards wouldn't know a straight game even if they followed one home.

Glenda: What did you say?

Alex: You heard me, twat! You don't get a full house or a royal flush four times in a row unless you're cheating.

Tom: You shouldn't say those things. People like us could take it the wrong way.

Alex: Deal the cards, mister... where I can see 'em!

[last lines]

Lisa: At one point there I though we'd never make it.

Tom: Yeah, me too. The gun was harder to get at then I thought. It's like he had eyes in the back of his head.

Lisa: What matters is that it's all over.

Tom: But at what price? But then again... you found it exiting and real high, didn't you?

[Lisa leans towards Tom and gives him a firm but ambiguous look; Tom picks up a phone and dials a number]

Tom: [into the phone] Hello? Police?

Tom: You killed my friend, you stupid bitch!

Tom: Look at that one, all locked up. Must be for the family nutter.

Tom: I hear actors are really self-centered, and only talk about themselves. Is that true?

Erica: Generally, yes.

Tina: Which one are we on?

Erica: "The Slaughterhouse Factor Part Three: Death Strikes Thrice."

Tom: We're only on number three?

Tina: Does anybody want something to drink?

Tom: How about a nice big cup of espresso? These crappy films are putting me to sleep.

Erica: How about a nice big cup of shut the fuck up?

Kyra: My pills. I think I need my pills.

Gary: We'll get them.

Tom: What? This guy's trying to kill us, and you want to stop for pharmaceuticals?

Gary: [to Kyra] Are you okay?

Tom: Was she ever?

Tom: Ya' know I love office parties, especially around Christmas time. It only takes one line to get the secertary in the sack. "Hey baby, no I'm not Rudolph and no that's not my nose."

Karl: Is something wrong, Tom?

Tom: Nothing a good stomach pump wouldn't cure.

Sully: Hey guys, do you think we can do the interview now?

Rick: Yeah, uh... so what are we doing again?

Sully: You know, I just graduated from film school and wanted to make a documentary, and I thought this would be an interesting story.

Bun: This won't be a bad story, will it?

Sully: Oh no, it's not bad at all.

Bun: Good. The last person that did a bad story on us was found with a sword in her like Joan of Arc.

Robin: I thought Joan of Arc was burned at the stake?

Tom: No, I'm pretty sure she was accused of being a witch and drowned.

Bun: No, I think that was Alice Cooper.

DCI Reid: How would you describe her condition?

Tom: Fragile, confused. Pretty much what you'd expect from a young girl suffering from amnesia

Tom: [Tom spots a stoned, dazed PROSTITUTE, 30, walk in, sits at a booth. He glances at the Prostitute muttering to herself then turns to Becky] Is she with you?

Brandi: No, she's not with me.

Tom: [He grabs a menu, goes to the Prostitute] Coffee?

Prostitute: [the Prostitute nods] And pancakes, with lots of strawberries.

Tom: That'll cost extra.

Prostitute: [She puts a twenty dollar bill on the table] And lots of syrup.

Tom: Yes, ma'am.

Brandi: [Becky studies the smeared make-up on the Prostitute then walks out]

Tom: I see daylight and I see her... if that happens again, you're gone.

Dianthia: Okay.

Tom: You here to beat me up, Charley? I know you can do it.

Larry: Would it be different if we were normal?

Tom: Don't... Don't use that word!

Tom: Good morning, Alison.

Alison Drake: Hello, Tom.

Tom: You're looking fresh as a rose this morning.

Alison Drake: Can you put that in writing?

Zetterstrøm: But what now... now that I regret?

Tom: It's a bit late for that, I am afraid.

Zetterstrøm: So, what do I do now?

Tom: Well, you can go back to your music, if you want.

Zetterstrøm: I have a concert in a half hour, I want my skills back, and I want them now!

Tom: Well...

Zetterstrøm: I don't want to hear any "well"...

Tom: Well...

Tom: Sam, let me ask you something. When you needed a friend, was Parker a friend?

Samantha: What?

Tom: And when you needed a lover, wasn't Parker a great lover?

Samantha: GOOD lover.

Tom: Really? Because I seem to remember you saying, "Oh, Tom, he's such a great lover!"

Samantha: Okay! Okay.

Tom: And when you needed a gay roommate, wasn't Parker a gay roommate?

Samantha: Tom, what's your point?

Tom: Just this - that ever since I've known you, you've never been able to find the kind of man who was everything you needed... until now.

Tom: [Handing Sam a drink at the bar] People are all alike, Sam. I know what you mean. I wish I could help you but I had a bookmaker in here taking bets and it was only last month that he ran away with all the cash I had.

Samuel R. 'Sam' Clayton: Must have been quite a blow to your wife.

Tom: No, she ran with him.

Samuel R. 'Sam' Clayton: Maybe I should buy YOU a drink.

Tom: Well, I could stand one right now, thanks.

Samuel R. 'Sam' Clayton: [Having one drink too many] Do you know what Confucius says about helping people?

Tom: [Also tipsy] Yeah, he said so many things he gets me mixed up.

Samuel R. 'Sam' Clayton: Well, he said...

Tom: Confucius fills me with confusion.

ToM: Crack, break dawn has gone rake wrong!

Paul: Tip tap, snip snap.

ToM: Off Gaurd! On gaurd! Avant Gaurde!

Tom: You know what the worse thing about adultery is? Once you do it, no how many years your faithful you're always an adulterer, life is harsh like that. You fuck once you can never be a virgin again, you steel once you're always a thief, and you lie once you're always a liar.

Tom: You are sitting there because you are the only possible reason why I am here doing this.!

Tom: You know you are a perfect example of what is wrong with this world. No one will take a stand and say that it's me. I'm guilty, I did it. You fucked up. You lived by your own rules and not you have to pay for that.

Dan: Because I met you at a bar and came back with you, I deserve this?

Tom: You came home with me twice.

Dan: And that makes me some kind of monster? And by the way if you remember correctly you invited me back here. God damn it, you set me up.

Tom: You always have to play like you're the innocent one.

Tom: You see this lie? You had sex last Tuesday but you wanted to appear pure but you're not are you? You're not pure. I watched you for a short time and I caught you in a lie. I didn't come looking to do this but after watching you seeing the way you are it only made sense what I had to do. I can only imagine the other 5 years, how many blondies have there been.

Dan: I never forced anyone to be with me.

Tom: This isn't only about us how many others have you got sick? They don't count?

Dan: I'm not sick!

Tom: You played god with that kid, why would you want to do that? You do whatever you want and when people get hurt, to bad for them.

Dan: What and now I'm responsible for everyone?

Tom: Why not?

Dan: Fuck you man. People make choices, you made a choice. I owe you nothing.

Tom: Then why so many tests? If you felt no responsibility to protect other people then why so many tests?

Dan: For me, for me. If I was sick I would want to know so I could take care of myself.

Tom: But how is it possible for someone who is always safe to get sick?

Dan: A lot of safe people get tested.

Tom: And a lot unsafe people don't. Why is that?

Dan: I didn't trick anyone, you cheated on your wife, no one but you.

Dan: Dan before you go I need to know something. Where you ever really tested before?

Tom: What does it matter now?

Dan: It doesn't.

Tom: No, I wasn't.

Dan: Why?

Tom: I guess I was, I guess I was afraid.

Dan: You guess?

Tom: I was afraid.

Dan: You didn't want to know?

Tom: No I didn't. I just knew. I just knew I didn't have it. I really am sorry about your wife.

Tom: Today is day 26 and it seems different. Isabella would have had every reason to do what I did to you. I promised things to her. I loved her. I was supposed to protect her. And in the end I'm the only one responsible for what happened to her. But with you, I put my life in your hands. Someone I didn't even know. And I got what I deserved, and you're probably getting what you deserve. Now you don't deserve this, no one deserves this.

Dan: Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Why are you fucking with me? I'm healthy. Look at me. You look at me. Look at me!

[first lines]

Tom: I walk home. I'm all scratched up, I got blood all over my face. I'm crying my eyes out. Anyway, my mother see's me. She runs in screaming, "What happened, who did thisa to you?" So I tell her Stevie Bellow jumped me from behind in the schoolyard while his pals stood there and made sure no one broke it up. So, take a guess what my mom does? She takes me back to the school yard. She finds Stevie, she tells him we're gonna fight again this time it's gonna be a fair fight.

Dan: Do you have a girlfriend?

Tom: No. I have beer.

[first lines]

Tom: Did you see that crazy Calvert go by?

Willie Boy: Ate his dust.

Tom: When did you get back to Banning, Willie Boy?

Willie Boy: Five o'clock freight.

Tom: Goin' to the fiesta?

Willie Boy: Is that where you're goin', Tom?

Tom: Trailin' Mr. Calvert with a tow just in case he breaks down - or breaks his neck.

Willie Boy: Well, I guess that's where I'm goin'.

Tom: Mr. Calvert said you been a foreman on a ranch in Victorville for a while.

Willie Boy: Yep.

Tom: I hear a white woman owned it.

Willie Boy: You heard right.

Tom: And you left?

Willie Boy: Husband come home.

[first lines]

[Tom calls out Brazos for a gunslinging showdown]

Tom: Brazos. Brazos!