TJ Quotes in Don (2006)

TJ: I've always liked you Don.

Don: Me too TJ. I've also always... liked me.

TJ: Let me ask you somethin'. If you're a priest, how come you get to have a girlfriend? What's up with that?

Jeremiah: I'm Episcopal . . .

[long pause]

Jeremiah: ...not Catholic.

TJ: It's not a pickup! It's an El Camino!

Benedict: All those years, I still thought about you. How you embarrassed me! How you humiliated me! How you destroyed my relationship with Muriel Finster, the only woman I ever loved!

TJ: That part still grosses me out, sir.

Principal Prickly: Shh.

[last lines]

Principal Prickly: But don't forget, come September, you're mine! I haven't forgotten about that "saggy butt" comment!

TJ: Hey, September is a long way off.

TJ: Hey, watch it! I've got a black belt in origami!

[Holding diary out of Becky's reach]

TJ: Uh uh uh. I got copies. Now either you give me a ride or this baby hits the internet.

[Principal Prickly and "TJ" are dressed as guards]

Principal Prickly: You sure this gonna work, Detweiller?

TJ: Come on, Mr. Prickly. Don't you watch old spy movies? This trick is pure gold. (To guard) Uh, Mr. Benedict wanted to see us about a very important matter.

Guard: Hey, you two aren't guards!

TJ: Ruuuun!

Gretchen: I've been studying the moon with the 200-inch telescope at the observatory, and I've discovered some peculiar eccentricities in it's orbit.

Counselor: You know, Gretchen, maybe you should try out one of these neat anti-gravity harnesses. The other kids love 'em, and look - you can do backflips, just like real astronauts.

Gretchen: But...

[Counselor flips away. Gretchen sighs]

Gretchen: Why do I bother?

TJ: [from space suit] Because you're driven by a passionate desire for knowledge.

Benedict: Same old noble Pete. Always standing up for the rights of children.

TJ: [to Prickly] You?

TJ: What am I gonna do? Play baseball by myself? Watch reruns? Read?

TJ: How do you know that jerk?

Principal Prickly: How do I know him? We attended teacher training together.

TJ: You mean?

Principal Prickly: That's right, Detweiler, that man is a rogue teacher.

[flashback]

Principal Prickly: It was the spring of '68, it was different times back then, all of us young, idealistic, ready to change the world.

Mrs. Finster: Peace Peter!

Principal Prickly: Hey Murial, had a groovy time at the Dead festival last night.

Mrs. Finster: You gonna be at the teach in, Saturday? We're gonna paint my Volkswagen!

Principal Prickly: Wouldn't miss it for the world!

[voice over]

Principal Prickly: Yes, we all thought we were pretty cool back then, but there was one guy who was the coolest of us all. Philliam Benedict was my best friend, and he had just been named Principal of 3rd Street School.

TJ: [on walkie talkie] I don't have time to explain, but I think we figured out what Benedict is up to. He's trying... to get rid of summer vacation!

Mikey Blumberg: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Mikey Blumberg: [while the gang is spying on Benedict] Uh, TJ? I got that feeling, again...

TJ: Suck it in, big guy!

[Mikey lets out a loud belch that echoes through the school]

Benedict: ...Somebody better say "Excuse me."

[after Vince, Ashley, Gretchen, Mikey and the gang are about to leave for the school bus]

Gus: Well, Teej? There's my transport.

[to TJ]

Gus: Hey, why don't you come with? Military camp's gonna be a blast!

Captain Brad: Griswald, you maggot! Get your fanny over here, NOW!

TJ: Eh. Thanks, Gus. But, I think I'll stick it out at home this summer.

Gus: Okay. But, you don't know what you're missing.

[He runs to him]

Gus: Hi, Captain Brad.

Captain Brad: I don't like you, Griswald! I am not your friend! Do I make myself clear?

Gus: Yes, sir! Not looking for friendship, sir!

TJ: Good luck, Gus. You're gonna need it.

[Gus gets on the bus, waving goodbye to him and Captain Brad nabs him]

TJ: Man, this summer's gonna whomp.

TJ: Can you believe Kat gets to shag this guy? No, really, you should send God a bottle of wine or a quiche or something.

TJ: [sees Kat with Jeffery] Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Top Kat! Ooooh! Where the bloody hell have you been? I have gynaecologists that call more often.

Kat Ellis: You have more than one gynaecologist?

TJ: You have to play them off. Otherwise they think your easy

TJ: [turns to Jeffery] Hello asshole. Listen, since you dumped my cousin brutally, and without cause, you won't mind if I just steal her away will you? Thanks

TJ: [after seeing Nick wink] I think I've just come.

TJ: Will someone buy my Hoo-Ha a drink?

TJ: Darling, why spend anymore time on that horse's ass when Mr. Tie-Me-Up-Tie-Me-Down is standing right over there?

TJ: [to Kat and Amy] The only thing that you two have in common is that you're both secretly attracted to me.

Jeffrey: [ready to pitch] Are you ready, TJ?

TJ: Bugger off, Jeffery.

Bunny: They were inseperable. If Kat ate a banana, Amy threw it up.

TJ: And if Amy threw it up, Kat ate it.

Kat Ellis: So we were eating and throwing up in perfect harmony.

TJ: [to the rest of the bachelorette party guests] Ladies, that was a top night!*top* night!

[about high school girlfriends]

TJ: Yeah... they suck... they suck!

Matt Scudder: My ex-wife, she was vegetarian.

TJ: So what happened? Why'd you split? What was she a clucker?

Matt Scudder: A what?

TJ: A clucker. A chickenhead. You know, those females that only like you if you give them nice things. If you ain't bling blingin' you ain't seein' shit.

Matt Scudder: Can't you speak English?

Matt Scudder: You know there's still a round left in the chamber here? Now. Put it back together. Caress it. Rub it, like it's part of you. Feels good, doesn't it?

TJ: Word... It's all oily and whatnot.

Matt Scudder: Turn off the safety... Now cock it... Now put it to your temple and pull the fucking trigger.

TJ: What?

Matt Scudder: You heard me. Shoot yourself in the head. Might as well get it over with now. Because you walk around with a gun, sooner or later, it's gonna happen anyway. No rewind. No going out for popcorn and coming back to the show. It's just you with that gun in your hand, stupid look on your face, and your hash all over the wall.

Waitress - The Flame: Sure you don't want a soda or something, honey?

TJ: I know you just love to give a young black man like myself one of your sperm-killer sodas. But no thank you, ma'am. I'll just stick with the water.

Matt Scudder: What?

TJ: They only give sodas to low-income people. With a bunch of chemicals in them to sterilize you. That's why I only drink water. A gallon a day and stay hydrated.

TJ: [starting to see things] Note to self, drugs are bad.