Timmy Quotes in

Timmy: They were all huddled together, but you know I could tell they had just enough piss and vinegar left in them, that, uh, give them an inch, they'd scream for miles.

[looking for a dance]

Timmy: Who are you going to ask next?

Doug: Tina Wilcox.

Timmy: Ed's girlfriend... You're crazy!

Doug: It doesn't hurt to ask. Sometimes the most beautiful girls are the loneliest.

Timmy: That's a crock of shit!

Doug: I know!

Timmy: Momma I'm tired of being in bed. I wanna get up.

Mrs. Brisby: Well, you're not getting up.

Jamie: They thought about everything they'd been through: the perilous swamp, the treacherous tower, the darkness of rainbow cavern. They stood together exhausted from their adventure. Rex stared into her eyes for a long time, then his great green lips curled sadly back from his fangs and his voice was soft as he said "It's too bad it couldn't have worked out between us, but at least we'll always have Tar Town."

Timmy: You've got to be pulling my tail... THAT'S your idea of a dinosaur story?

[a classic Dodgeball instructional film begins]

Uber Film Narrator: [U.A.I.F fanfare] Uber-American Instructional Films, teaching America's youth since 1938.

[Opening; A boy rides a scooter, while a girl jogs behind him. Now we see a young boy painting a fence]

Uber Film Narrator: Hey there, Timmy!

Timmy: [yells] Holy mackerel, Mister. You scared the jeepers out of me.

Uber Film Narrator: How would you like to take a break from that fine lead-based paint... and learn about Dodgeball?

Timmy: Boy, would I!

[the next scene take Timmy into a Opium Dem in China]

Timmy: Wow! Where am I, Mister?

Uber Film Narrator: You're in a Chinese Opium Dem, Timmy. This is where the sport of Dodgeball was invented in the 15th Century... by Opium-addictive Chinamen. But back then, the Chinamen threw severed heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A.-approved balls we use today.

Timmy: A.D.A.A.?

Uber Film Narrator: That's the American Dodgeball Association of America. Dodgeball is played with six players on each team... and six rubber balls. The object of the game is to eliminate the opposing players. Once all the players on team are eliminated, the opposing team wins!

Timmy: Wow! I can't wait to get the fellas together and play!

Smalls: I was gonna put the ball back.

Squints: But it was signed by Babe Ruth!

Smalls: Yeah, you keep telling me that! Who is she?

Ham Porter: WHAT? WHAT?

Kenny: The sultan of swat!

Bertram: The king of crash!

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

All: BABE RUTH!

Ham Porter: THE GREAT BAMBINO!

Smalls: Oh my god! You mean that's the same guy?

All: YES!

Benny Rodriguez: Smalls, Babe Ruth is the greatest baseball player that ever lived. People say he was less than a god but more than a man. You know, like Hercules or something. That ball you just aced to The Beast is worth, well, more than your whole life.

Smalls: [Falls to the ground and clutches his stomach, groaning] I don't feel so good.

All: [Fanning Scott with their caps] Give him air, give him air.

Ham Porter: [mimicking Babe Ruth with a cigar in his mouth; can't understand him] Check this out. I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [still can't understand him] I'm the Great Bambino!

Sandlot Kids: What?

Ham Porter: [takes cigar out of mouth] I'm the Great Bambino.

Sandlot Kids: Oh!

Smalls: Who's that?

Smalls: [narrating] I had no idea what they were talking about.

Ham Porter: What did he say?

Bertram: What? Were you born in a barn, man?

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, what planet are you from?

Smalls: [narrating] But there was no *way* I could let them know.

Squints: You've never heard of the sultan of swat?

Kenny: The titan of terror.

Timmy: The colossus of clout!

Tommy: The colossus of clout!

Benny Rodriguez: The king of crash, man.

Smalls: [narrating] So, I lied.

Smalls: Oh! The Great Bambino. Of course. I thought you said the great Bambi.

Ham Porter: That wimpy deer?

Sandlot Kids: [after Wendy Peffercorn pulls Squints from the pool] Squints! Come on Squints!

Ham Porter: Come on Squints. Squints!

Timmy: Come on, Squints, come on!

Scotty Smalls: [shouts] Come on, Squints. You can do it! Pull through, bud!

Benny Rodriguez: Come on, man, come on!

Yeah Yeah: Yeah yeah, he looks pretty crappy.

Tommy: Squints! Come on man!

Bertram: My God, he looks like a dead fish.

Sandlot Kids: [Squints opens his eyes and smiles] *What*?

Wendy Peffercorn: [Squints kisses Wendy]

[muffled scream]

Wendy Peffercorn: *Ugh!* *Little pervert!*

Timmy: Aww, man, he's in deep *shit!*

Timmy: Smalls, you mean to tell me you went home, swiped a ball that was signed by BABE RUTH, brought it out here and actually played with it?

Tommy: And actually played with it?

Alex: Hey, Timmy, any chance I can crash on your couch tonight?

Timmy: Why? So you can jerk off on my mom?

Alex: Jeff's a fucking liar, Timmy!

[Final scene: The timer dings and Betty is, at long last, ready to kill and prepare Timmy]

Betty: My goodness, you really did keep the best one for last, didn't you?

Timmy: No, no. I've saved the really, really best story for now.

Betty: Well, you should've told me the really, really best story before, 'cause now it's too late.

[Betty rolls the preparation cart towards Timmy's cell]

Timmy: But it's the really best one of all because there's a happy ending, a really happy ending.

[Timmy drops the book]

Betty: No other stories in that book have a happy ending.

Timmy: But you gotta hear this story. It's about this kid, and his name is Timmy.

Betty: That's nice, dear.

Timmy: And you see, Timmy's older brother, he had this stupid paper route. And one day, Timmy's older brother got sick. Timmy had to go on collecting, and Timmy went to this one house. And this lady who answered the door, she said, "Come on in," so when he went inside, she tricked him and threw him into a pantry. She made him eat cookies all day long, 'cause she wanted him to get fat, 'cause she was gonna kill him, and cook him, and eat him!

Betty: This is YOUR story, and you can stop telling it now because we both know how it comes out.

Timmy: But you don't, 'cause something really weird happens.

Betty: Oh, really?

Timmy: Yeah.

Timmy: [pulling out a handful of marbles from his pocket] Uh, you see, Timmy had these marbles in his pocket. They were shiny and slippery, and when he threw them on the floor...

Timmy: [tossing the marbles on the floor] ... she didn't see where they went and she slipped.

[Betty slips on the marbles and falls backside on the skewers, stabbing herself in the back; Betty screams in pain as she drops the keys whilst on the rolling prep table , rolling toward the oven]

Timmy: Timmy saw his chance to escape...

[Betty, with the skewers in her back, arises from the table in pain]

Timmy: ...if he could just reach the keys!

[Timmy grabs the keys, frees himself, then shoves Betty onto the huge pan and sends her into her own oven to roast alive]

Betty: [screaming] Aaaaahhh! AAAAAHHH!

[Timmy helps himself to a Shoprite Chips-A-Lot cookie]

Timmy: [breaks the fourth wall] Don't you just love happy endings?

Betty: I NEVER could do long division. Let's see, how many times does twelve go into seventy-five.

Timmy: Oh, six times, three left over. Why?

Betty: Well, at twelve minutes a pound, that means you have to be in the oven by no later than 1:30. Oh, but evisceration takes at least an hour.

Ray Gleason: So, you dating yet?

Timmy: I'm eleven.

Ray Gleason: Yeah, I guess you should give it some time. I myself didn't start dating until I was eleven and a half.

Timmy: If I win this game...

Bobby: We gotta take you to Paris tonight?

Timmy: You don't have to take me to Paris, just Baskin Robbins.

Timmy: [finds a bra on the car seat and holds it up] Is this one of yours? Ooh la la!

Ray Gleason: [sarcastically] That's very funny.

Timmy: What's a hostage?

Rickey: Hostage is what we were down in that basement for 4 1/2 hours. I'ma need therapy or something.

Trish: Are you saying you would forgive the 9/11 terrorists?

Timmy: Well, no, not those terrorists because they're dead.

Sean: [in a gentlemen's bar] Hey, Gerry, In the 1960s there was a young man that graduated from the University of Michigan. Did some brilliant work in mathematics. Specifically bounded harmonic functions. Then he went on to Berkeley. He was assistant professor. Showed amazing potential. Then he moved to Montana, and blew the competition away.

Lambeau: Yeah, so who was he?

Sean: Ted Kaczynski.

Lambeau: Haven't heard of him.

Sean: [yelling to the bartender] Hey, Timmy!

Timmy: Yo.

Sean: Who's Ted Kaczynski?

Timmy: Unabomber.

[Lambeau winces as he realizes the point Sean is making]

Timmy: Holy hymens, Batman - they're killing virgins!

Timmy: BOOGEYMAAAAAAAN!