Ticket Taker Quotes in South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut (1999)

[the boys have just watched an edited version of "Asses of Fire" and are leaving the theater with the other kids, past the ticket booth again]

Kyle: Man, this movie gets better every time I see it!

Ticket Taker: Hey!

Cartman: Yeah, but you know what? That whole part about lighting farts is bullshit. You can't do that.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yeah, you can!

Cartman: [stops and turns] No way.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. You can *too* light a fart on fire.

Cartman: Okay, Kenny. I'll bet you a hundred dollars you can't light a fart on fire.

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Yes you can. Check it out.

[he lights his fart on fire and laughs; his parka suddenly erupts in flames and he screams in horror; the boys are shocked]

Stan: Holy shit, dude!

Cartman: Ah! Oh my God! Hey!

[begins beating Kenny with a stick]

Cartman: Aw, shit! Aw, shit!

Stan: [steps forward and yells] Help! Somebody do something!

[he steps back and the stick lights up]

Cartman: Aahh! This stick is on fire!

[an ambulance rushes up and stops, but a Russell's Salt truck rushes up and bumps it away; the truck bed lifts up at the front end and dumps the salt on Kenny; if the fire was injury, this is insult]

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Ooowww!

[the ambulance siren dies and the salt doesn't move; the boys stare at the truck]

Stan: Oh my God, you killed Kenny!

Kyle: You bastard!

Cartman: Wow, I guess you *can* light a fart on fire, huh?

Ticket Taker: Hey wait a minute, where is your guardian?

Cartman: What?

Ticket Taker: I knew it! You paid a homeless guy to get you in. Didn't you?

Cartman: Fuck off, you donkey-raping shit eater.

[all hyped and ready after singing a song]

Stan: Can I have FIVE tickets to Terence Phillip: Asses on Fire, please?

[pause]

Ticket Taker: No!

Stan: What do you mean no?

Ticket Taker: Terrance and Philip: Asses of Fire has been rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America, you have to be accompanied by a parent or guardian.

Stan: But why?

Ticket Taker: Because this movie has naughty language! Next please.

Tommy Spinelli: I need a flight to Bethesda University.

Ticket Taker: I'm not sure the university has its own airport but we can fly you to Baltimore, will that do?

Tommy Spinelli: Hey don't get cute with me, asshole, huh?