Therapist Quotes in The Other Guys (2010)

Jimmy: Chinatown. Three triad gang members. I pop two of them off the draw - bang, bang! And I raise up to take the leader out...

Therapy Cop: Oh shit, I feel like I'm there now.

Jimmy: I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof. He says, "Let's even the odds!" He tosses me down a Mossberg pump, I send one through his chest. Game over, bitches.

[the group applauds]

Therapist: Jimmy, let's talk about how that story made you feel.

Jimmy: Like my cock was made outta concrete.

Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.

Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.

Therapist: We have some new-comers here today. Please say hello to Scott and his father Mr... Ev-ille?

Dr. Evil: Evil, Actually, Dr. Evil.

The Group: Hello, Scott. Hello, Dr. Evil.

Scott Evil: Hi, everybody.

Therapist: Frank, this is a safe place. A place where we can feel free sharing our feelings. Think of my office as a nest in a tree of trust and understanding. We can say anything here.

Frank: Anything? Well, uh I guess I, deep down, am feeling a little confused. I mean, suddenly, you get married, and you're supposed to be this entirely different guy. I don't feel different. I mean, take yesterday for example. We were out at the Olive Garden for dinner, which was lovely. And, uh, I happen to look over at a certain point during the meal and see a waitress taking an order, and I found myself wondering what color her underpants might be. Her panties. Uh, odds are they are probably basic white, cotton, underpants. But I sort of think, well, maybe they're silk panties, maybe it's a thong. Maybe it's something really cool that I don't even know about. You know, and uh, and I started feeling... what? What, I thought we were in the trust tree in the nest, were we not?

Kate: I wish there was a cookbook for life, you know? Recipes telling us exactly what to do. I know, I know, you're gonna say "How else will you learn, Kate."

Therapist: mm. No, actually I wasn't going to say that. You want to guess again?

Kate: No, no, go ahead.

Therapist: Well what I was going to say was, you know better than anyone, it's the recipes that you create yourself that are the best.

Therapist: Kids like fishsticks...

Kate: I can't believe I'm actually paying for these suggestions.

Therapist: Kate, I'm sure you will be able to prevent the worst from happening.

Kate: And that would be?

Therapist: That he will tolerate you for any length of time.

Therapist: Why do you come to see me every week?

Kate: My boss said she'd fire me if I didn't get therapy.

Therapist: Why do you think, she thinks you need therapy? Why?

Kate: You know what, I haven't the faintest idea

Therapist: Relationships are best measured by farting.

Peter Simon: Excuse me?

Therapist: The stages of a relationship can be defined by farting. Stage one is the conspiracy of silence. This is a fantasy period where both parties pretend that they have no bodily waste. This illusion is very quickly shattered by that first shy, "Ooh, did you fart," followed by the sheepish admission of truth. This heralds a period of deeper intimacy. A period I like to call the "Fart Honeymoon", where both parties find each other's gas just the cutest thing in the world. But, of course, no honeymoon can last forever. And so we reach the critical fork in the fart. Either the fart loses its power to amuse and embarrass thereby signifying true love, or else it begins to annoy and disgust, thereby symbolizing all that is blocked and rancid in the formerly beloved. Do you see what I'm getting at?

Therapist: George, we have a nice man coming by to take you to the theater, the musuem, help you re-introduce yourself to the world. Are you ready for that, George?

George: I don't know.

Therapist: What did you tell me the other day? You said, I'm a Ready Teddy Yo! What did you say yesterday?

George: I'm a ready teddy yo.

Therapist: Are you afraid, George? That you'll go out there and start lying again?

Phil: [in a crazy English accent] No, No. He's just afraid of lyin. Isn't that right, Pinoch?

[means pinocchio]

Phil: Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha! He starts lyin', then his nose starts growin', I hate it when that happens. Ya Ha Ha Ha Ha!

Therapist: Now that's enough Phil, you let him talk.

Brad: Nah, he's afraid he'll see his old girlfried, and he won't be able to get it up.

Therapist: Is that true George?

George: No! Anyway, she dumped me.

Therapist: Why did she dump you, George?

Male patient: [stands up and points at George] She dumped you because you told her you were a brain surgeon!

Therapist: Did you tell her that, George?

George: No.

Therapist: What did you tell her?

George: Told her I was a paratrooper in the navy seals.

Phil: [in a Peter Falk Columbo voice] Wait! Are you saying that this man is not in our armed service? Did you know this? I didn't know this! I have egg on my face!

Therapist: George, George why did you feel like you had to lie to her?

George: Oh! She never would have looked at me twice if I had told her I was a Volvo Salesman for Horsch Muller!

Therapist: The guys put a little something together for you George, to help give you confidence in your new life.

Phil: [in William Shatner's voice] Very well Mister Spock. Gentleman, set your phasers on stun.

Tim: Ha Ha!

Phil: [still in William Shatner's voice] George, on behalf of my entire crew, Spock, Bones, Scotty

[makes the hand motions for emphasis]

Phil: We'd like to present to you a little gift we picked up on Rigel 4. It's our way of saying, good luck out there in the world. God Speed, show 'em what you're made of mister!

[salutes]

Tim: [makes the Vulcan hand sign for greetings and goodbye]

Phil: [still in the William Shatner voice] Live Long and Prosper! Go where no *man*, has... gone before!

Therapist: Phil, for God's sakes! Put a sock in it, will ya?

Phil: I was simply sayin...

[trails off and sits down as he finishes the last word, like a toy with its battery pulled]

George: [George begins to open the tall box Phil placed on his lap] I can honestly say I didn't expect to get...

[opens the box]

George: a hat!

[the gift is a tall top hat much like Abe Lincoln wore during his presidency]

Tim: It's an Honest Abe hat.

Brad: Yeah, its to house your mickey, after a busy day of lyin'!

Therapist: I know it doesn't look like much George, but the fellas did work pretty hard on it.

George: I'm not ashamed of this hat! Far from it! I'm gonna wear this hat! I'm not afraid anymore!

[stands]

George: I'm ready for my new life!

Therapist: Then say it, George!

George: I'm a ready teddy yo!

Therapist: So what are the issues?

Tom: No sex.

Rebecca: Well, that's your issue.

Tom: I'd say that's our issue.

Rebecca: No, I'm just not a sex maniac like you are.

Tom: I'm not a maniac, I just like it.

Rebecca: [mouths to Therapist] Twice a day.

Therapist: We could get a lot more done if you came in more than once per year. Would you think about that?

Fisher: [voice-over] We're having sex. Kim's drug works. I feel fine.

Therapist: But this isn't what you are after. Let me get one thing clear. You're trying to reconstruct Harry Grey's headaches by means of the side-effects of these pills.

[first lines]

Therapist: [to Fisher] Fantasy is OK, but my job to keep you on the right track. We are after the facts. You seem to return to Cairo and me whenever you have a problem. Two months ago you left Cairo, your wife, everything for a police job in Europe. Now you are back haunted by headaches. If you want me to help you get rid of these headaches, we must go back two months in the time. Back to where it all started. All I know... Europe has become an obsession for you.

Therapist: She needs a moment on her own.

Carson: Is she any kind of threat to herself?

Therapist: No, no. No, no.

Carson: Should I take her belt and shoelaces?

Therapist: What does love mean to you?

Todd: Love... love... love is something I can't have. I don't believe love exists for me.

Rachel: I was thinking about how people in movies and books are always getting puppies on Christmas. But you never have to see anyone cleaning up the...

Therapist: Shit?

Rachel: ...or get hit by cars. You just see them with a big red bow, and the kids are smiling.

Therapist: What is a heart attack? Isn't it a broken heart?

Therapist: Is it difficult for you to make a decision?

Rachel: No.

Therapist: Are you sure?

Therapist: [to Emily] Hey! Wait a minute. Who do you think you are, barging in there like that?

Lillith Sullivan: It's okay, Diane, Emily's been under a lot of stress lately, but she's really nice to me and I hope I can stay with her a long time.

Therapist: Don't ever do that again.

Matty: How do you answer a question that, you know, that...

Therapist: Have you looked at your life, are you satisfied with what and where you are in your life? What do you want to be different?

Matty: Ah, I want to be free... of my past. I want, I want...

Therapist: Well, what comes to mind, what are your options?

Matty: That's the problem, I mean what do I, what do I do? I can't get on with my life until I... solve... my past.

Therapist: And you say you have these nagging thoughts that you did something terrible. Has anybody ever supported those thoughts? Anyone?

Matty: No.

Therapist: So this is all in your mind...