The Wolf Quotes in Hoodwinked! (2005)

The Wolf: [receiving a lit stick of dynamite] What kind of candles are those?

Twitchy: [pointing at writing on dynamite] Dee-na-mee-tay. Must be Italian.

Red: What big ears you have.

The Wolf: All the better to hear your many criticisms!

Nicky Flippers: What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?

The Wolf: I'm a shepherd.

Red Puckett: [Red encounters the Wolf, wearing a Granny mask and apron and using a falsetto voice] Who are you ?

The Wolf: I'm your grandma.

Red Puckett: Your face looks really weird, granny.

The Wolf: I've been sick, I... uh...

Red Puckett: Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.

The Wolf: Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done.

[Commenting on Boingo's musical number]

The Wolf: The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.

Caterpillar 1: [the Wolf is using his radar to listen in on Red as she rides up the tram] I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her?

Caterpillar 2: Well she is keeping seeing other people probably. Keeping her options open, you should do the same.

Caterpillar 1: Shh. Up there.

[Camera shot changes to show that the Wolf's radar is hanging over two caterpillers conversing on a leaf]

Caterpillar 1: Do you mind?

The Wolf: [withdraws, sheepishly] Oh. Sorry.

Nicky Flippers: It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.

[walks past dog typing notes]

Nicky Flippers: Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.

The Wolf: The Goody Bandit

Nicky Flippers: That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.

The Woodsman: Not my finger!

[quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]

Nicky Flippers: Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.

[the Woodsman starts spluttering]

Nicky Flippers: Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?

The Woodsman: But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?

Nicky Flippers: Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?

Granny: Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.

The Woodsman: Huh?

Nicky Flippers: A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.

Chief Grizzly: And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?

Nicky Flippers: Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf

The Wolf: Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.

Nicky Flippers: Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?

Chief Grizzly: Maybe he's not a wolf at all!

The Wolf: You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.

Chief Grizzly: Is this all just a big joke to you?

The Wolf: I just followed the girl here.

Granny: You leave my granddaughter alone!

Nicky Flippers: Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.

[camera points to empty chair]

Nicky Flippers: Where is she anyway?

Nicky Flippers: So! Mr. Wolf... May I call you Wolf?

The Wolf: You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.

Chief Grizzly: Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, SO START SINGIN'!

Chief Grizzly: Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?

The Wolf: I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.

Red: For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.

The Wolf: What can I say? I was raised by wolves.

The Wolf: You're lookin' pretty tasty...

Woolworth: Why you gotta be like that?

[the Wolf has observed Red's bike being carried across the river by hummingbirds]

The Wolf: Whoa! Creepy!

[retreats behind the bushes]

The Wolf: [voiceover] I was starting to have my suspicions.

[the Wolf takes out his note recorder]

The Wolf: Question: who does she move the goodies for? Where do they come from? Where are they going? And why the hood?

[Twitchy falls from the sky and lands on a tree stump next to the Wolf, who jumps]

The Wolf: Ah! Twitchy, you scared me!

Twitchy: [speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?

The Wolf: Twitchy, you gotta calm down.

Twitchy: [continues speaking quickly] I got up early and I got the gear - I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.

The Wolf: Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?

Twitchy: [pantomiming] She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes, he's like lalalalalalalalalala...

The Wolf: Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. We gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?

Twitchy: Got the 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?

The Wolf: Doesn't matter.

Twitchy: I brought a flash!

[takes a picture]

The Wolf: Ugh, will you put that away! It's covert. No flash!

Twitchy: [takes the flash off] Undercover, got it! Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows! Click-click, heh heh!

[grins]

The Wolf: [stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?

Twitchy: Oh, I don't drink coffee!

[the Wolf looks away, unconvinced]

The Wolf: I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up.

[gives Twitchy the coffee]

The Wolf: We may want to stand back.

Twitchy: [Sips coffee and his eyes buldge and he starts shaking] Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!

The Wolf: Go get 'em boy.

[Twitchy takes off and bounces all over the place]

The Wolf: What... have I done?

Granny: Now the rest's up to us.

The Woodsman: Can I have coffee?

Granny: [after hearing the Bandit's plan to destroy the forest] Sweet tea and cookies, we've got to do something!

The Wolf: I know. The song was catchty, but choreography was terrible.

The Wolf: You know, I'm front page material now. I'm about to crack a story about the 3 pigs running a home improvement scam. Houses falling left and right

Twitchy: I've got the wide angle lens for those piggies. You gotta go wide!

The Wolf: As God is my witness, you will learn to speak.

The Wolf: I'm allergic to yodeling.

The Wolf: [pretending to be a building inspector] Let me level with you, you're an evil genius, right?

Boingo: Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius," you know. I was asked to join Mensa.

The Wolf: Well, you got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave. That's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?

Boingo: You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah.

The Wolf: I understand. Are you thinking about puttin' in a laser?

Boingo: I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should?

The Wolf: Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're going to zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated.

The Wolf: That was quite a bit of fallin' you did just now.

Raccoon Jerry: What did you say your name was?

The Wolf: Shaw. Rick Shaw. Came in from Japan.

Twitchy: [catching up, out of breath after chasing Red] So when do we eat?

The Wolf: Sure, you hungry for failure? Maybe a side of unemployment? 'Cause that's what's for lunch.

Twitchy: What do we do?

The Wolf: We go right to the source. We've gotta get to Granny's before the kid does.

[Boingo appears]

Boingo: Is it a surprise?

The Wolf: Surprise for who?

Boingo: You're going over to Granny's house to surprise Red. I mean, is it her birthday, or some kind of shim dig, 'cause I'm great at parties! Watch me pull myself out of a hat!

[scratches his right ear against his head with a very forced grimace]

The Wolf: Yeah, big surprise party. You know how to get there?

Boingo: Oh, yeah. Yeah. In fact, I know a shortcut.

The Wolf: [to Twitchy, incredulous] You hear that? He knows a shortcut.

Boingo: Over the woods and through the river... No, you don't wanna go through the river. You'll get all wet.

The Wolf: You see, Twitchy? You get lemons, you make lemonade.

[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking in ankle-deep water through a pitch-black tunnel; Twitchy turns on his camera light]

The Wolf: And then that lemonade goes bitter, and ferments, and turns to pig-swill. Never trust a bunny with directions, Twitchy.

Twitchy: Sure thing, boss! Never trust a bunny!

The Wolf: Well the bright side is at least I finally dried off.

[immediately falls into a small hole, soaking his hoodie and bringing the water up to his waist]

The Wolf: Why couldn't I write movie reviews? We are in a pickle, and I blame myself. That bunny was worthless, not to mention he wrote the directions on an Easter Egg...

[holds up a brightly colored Easter egg with illegible text scribbled on the side]

The Wolf: ... which is very hard to read.

Twitchy: Oh, we're gonnadie here!

The Wolf: Come on, that's what they said at the Alamo!

[Grizzly has learned that the Wolf was trying to eat Red]

Chief Grizzly: All right, get a muzzle on that guy.

The Wolf: Hey, I can explain everything.

Chief Grizzly: Well you can explain it to the judge.

[turns to Red]

Chief Grizzly: Shouldn't you be at school?

Red Puckett: Shouldn't *I* have a lawyer?

[the Wolf is impersonating Granny with a plastic mask and apron]

The Wolf: You got the loot?

Red Puckett: Whoa, what big *hands* you have.

The Wolf: Oh! All the better to scratch my back with.

Red Puckett: And what big *ears* you have...

The Wolf: [increasing in irritation] All the better to hear your... many criticisms. Old people just have big ears, dear.

Red Puckett: And Granny... what big *eyes* you have!

The Wolf: [exploding] Are we just gonna sit around here and talk about how big I'm getting?

[leans in]

The Wolf: You came here for a reason, didn't you? So tell old Granny what you've got in the basket.

Red Puckett: Ugh! Granny! What bad breath you have!

[the Wolf takes off the mask; Red screams and backs away]

Red Puckett: You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?

The Wolf: Settle down, little girl.

Red Puckett: Hi-yah!

[Gets into kung-fu stance]

The Wolf: Save it, Red fu. You've been dodging me all day, you might as well just give up.

[Grabs a fireplace poker and corners her]

Red Puckett: Ha! You crazy Wolf! What have you done with Granny?

The Wolf: I'm taking Granny down and you're next.

[Granny bursts out of the closet, bound and gagged]

Red Puckett: Granny!

[Kirk bursts through the window, holding a pickaxe]

[last lines]

Red: Mr. Flippers!

Nicky Flippers: I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.

Granny: What's going on?

Nicky Flippers: Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.

The Wolf: What kind of work are we talking about?

Nicky Flippers: You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.

Red: "Happily Ever After Agency"?

Nicky Flippers: The woods don't go 'round by themselves.

Twitchy: [talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!

Nicky Flippers: So what do you think?

Granny: Bring it honey!

Red: I always did like happy endings.

The Woodsman: [disguised as Dolph] Uh, Mister Rabbit...

Boingo: Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?

The Woodsman: Uh, I, um, yah...

Boingo: I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...

The Woodsman: Um, b-boss...

Boingo: WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?

The Woodsman: Um... boss, uh,

[singing]

The Woodsman: Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...

The Wolf: [interrupts, also in disguise] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.

The Woodsman: Yah, yes!

The Wolf: I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.

Boingo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.

The Wolf: [pauses] Let's walk.

The Wolf: I knew it! Never trust a bunny!

Twitchy: Never trust a bunny!

Chief Grizzly: [to the Wolf, after he tells his side] You got a way to back this up?

Twitchy: [appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!

Nicky Flippers: That so? Let's have a look...

[examines photos]

Nicky Flippers: Hmmm... these are good... Ha...

[shows picture of Wolf mounted in fish costume]

Nicky Flippers: Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.

The Wolf: Grrph...

Twitchy: I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a china tea/latte book.

Nicky Flippers: Photos don't lie, Chief.

The Wolf: Good work, Twitchy.

Chief Grizzly: Grrph!

The Wolf: [Boingo is giving the Wolf directions to a shortcut] You see, Twitchy, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.

[Cuts to the Wolf and Twitchy walking through a dark cave]

The Wolf: And then that lemonade turns bitter, ferments and turns to pigswill.

Jimmie: I can't believe this is the same car.

The Wolf: Well, let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.

The Wolf: Jimmie, lead the way. Boys, get to work.

Vincent: A please would be nice.

The Wolf: Come again?

Vincent: I said a please would be nice.

The Wolf: Get it straight buster - I'm not here to say please, I'm here to tell you what to do and if self-preservation is an instinct you possess you'd better fucking do it and do it quick. I'm here to help - if my help's not appreciated then lotsa luck, gentlemen.

Jules: No, Mr. Wolf, it ain't like that, your help is definitely appreciated.

Vincent: I don't mean any disrespect, I just don't like people barking orders at me.

The Wolf: If I'm curt with you it's because time is a factor. I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you wanna get out of this. So, pretty please... with sugar on top. Clean the fucking car.

The Wolf: You see that, young lady? Respect. Respect for one's elders gives character.

Raquel: I have character.

The Wolf: Just because you are a character doesn't mean that you have character.

The Wolf: That's thirty minutes away. I'll be there in ten.

The Wolf: Strip.

Jules: All the way?

The Wolf: To your bare ass.

Vincent: Is this necessary?

The Wolf: Yes. You know what you guys look like?

Jules: What?

The Wolf: Like a couple of guys who just blew off somebody's head!

[to Jimmie]

The Wolf: Now Jimmie, hand them the soap.

[Jimmie gives Jules and Vincent each a bar of soap]

The Wolf: Well, now I'm sure you've all been to county.

[sprays them both with hose]

The Wolf: You're... Jimmie, right? This is your house?

Jimmie: Sure is.

The Wolf: I'm Winston Wolfe. I solve problems.

Jimmie: Good, we got one.

The Wolf: So I heard. May I come in?

Jimmie: Uh, yeah, please do.

The Wolf: You guys look like... What do they look like, Jimmie?

Jimmie: Dorks. They look like a couple of dorks.

Jules: Ha-ha-ha. They're your clothes, motherfucker.

The Wolf: Maybe I can give you guys a ride. Where do you live?

Vincent: Redondo Beach.

Jules: Inglewood.

The Wolf: In your future... I see a cab ride. Move out of the sticks, gentlemen.

The Wolf: Now boys, listen up. We're going to a place called Monster Joe's Truck and Tow. I'll drive the tainted car. Jules, you ride with me. Vincent, you follow in my Acura. We run across the path of any John Q. Laws, nobody does a fucking thing unless I do it first. What did I just say?

Jules: Don't do shit unless.

The Wolf: Unless what?

Jules: Unless you do it first.

The Wolf: Spoken like a true prodigy. How about you, Lash LaRue? You think you can keep your spurs from jinglin' and janglin'?

Vincent: Look, Mr. Wolf, my gun went off, I don't know why, and now you're helping us out of the situation. I'm cool with it, all right?

The Wolf: Fair enough. Now I drive real fucking fast, so keep up. I get my car back any differently than when I gave it, Monster Joe's gonna be disposing of two bodies.

The Wolf: You must be Jules, which would make you Vincent. Let's get down to brass tacks, gentlemen. If I was informed correctly, the clock is ticking, is that right, Jimmie?

Jimmie: Uh, one hundred percent.

The Wolf: Your wife... Bonnie comes home at 9:30 in the AM, is that right?

Jimmie: Uh-huh.

The Wolf: I was led to believe that if she comes home and finds us here, she'd wouldn't appreciate it none too much?

Jimmie: [laughing] She wouldn't at that.

The Wolf: That gives us exactly... forty minutes to get the fuck out of Dodge. Which, if you do what I say when I say it, should be plenty. Now, you've got a corpse in a car, minus a head, in a garage. Take me to it.

The Wolf: [after the row between Jules and Jimmy over the quality of his coffee, The Wolf tries some, he looks impressed, looks at Jimmy and says] Mmm.