The Riddler Quotes in The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)

The Riddler: [after he and the rest of the villains are trapped inside a giant box] Riddle me this! What just happened?

The Riddler: Riddle me this, riddle me that, who's afraid of the big, black bat?

The Riddler: You're ruining my big party! Are you insane?

Two-Face: Just waiting for you to deliver the Batman, dear boy.

The Riddler: Patience, O Bifurcated One!

Two-Face: Patience is hell! We want him dead!

The Riddler: Well, you could have let me in on the caper. We could have organized this, planned it... pre-sold the movie rights.

Two-Face: Ha!

[Batman enters through the skylight, and begins to fight Two-Face's thugs]

The Riddler: Your entrance was good. His was better.

[Batman continues to fight thugs]

The Riddler: The difference: showmanship!

The Riddler: Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants! Behind curtain number one...

[the Riddler reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room]

The Riddler: The absolute fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian. She enjoys hiking, getting her nails done, and foolisihly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life! And behind curtain number two...

[the Riddler reveals an identical container nearby Chase's. This one has Robin tied up]

The Riddler: Batman's one and only partner. This acrobat-turned orphan likes Saturday morning cartoons and one day dreams being...

The Riddler: [whispers] ... bare naked with a girl!

The Riddler: And below these contestants... my personal favorite. A watery grave!

[the Riddler reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers]

The Riddler: [points to his scepter] Just one little touch, and you're two friends are *gull feed* on the rocks below. Not enough time to save them both. Which will it be, Batman? Bruce's love or the Dark Knight's junior partner?

[the Riddler imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought]

Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself. This is all one giant death trap.

The Riddler: Judges?

The Riddler: [makes a buzzer noise] I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But thank you for playing.

[the Riddler begins to push the button on his scepter]

Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you!

The Riddler: For me? Really? Tell me.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

The Riddler: [to Two-Face, who has just blown a hole in the ceiling of his lair] Has anybody ever told you you have a SERIOUS IMPULSE-CONTROL PROBLEM?

[Two-Face destroys Robin's boat]

The Riddler: YOU SUNK MY BATTLE SHIP!

[Two-Face cries on seeing a newspaper report of Batman's latest escape]

The Riddler: That's what I said. Then I taught my doggie a new trick: how to map the human mind. Would you like to see what our old friend Bruce Wayne has in his head?

[he plugs in the disk with Bruce Wayne's memory; on the screen they see the image of the giant bat. Two-Face starts laughing]

The Riddler: Riddle me this, what sort of a man has bats on the brain? Go ahead, you can say it.

Two-Face: You're a genius!

The Riddler: Oh, stop!

Two Face: [trying to sink Robin's boat] B12!

The Riddler: Hit! And my favorite vitamin might I add.

The Riddler: Joygasm!

The Riddler: Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.

Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman, not because I have to be, now, because I choose to be.

The Riddler: For if knowledge is power, then a god am... I!

[pauses]

The Riddler: Was that over the top? I can never tell.

The Riddler: Hey Two-Face, show me how to punch a guy!

Two-Face: Oh, it's dead simple, my boy.

Two-Face: [demonstrates] Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert yourself.

[knocks guard out with one punch]

The Riddler: Ohhhh, that looks like fun! Let me try! Let me try! Ball up the fist, reach way back, and assert your...

[hits guard with no effect and holds his hand in agony]

The Riddler: OW!

[Two-Face and the Riddler enter Wayne Manor]

The Riddler: Seize-and-capture...

Two-Face: [sighs, to his thugs] No killing.

[Riddler leans in]

The Riddler: That goes double for you.

The Riddler: [turns on the other Boxes for Sugar and Spice, then shows him his Box wand] This is how I found you. Let me demonstrate.

[puts the wand on Two-Face's head]

The Riddler: This is your brain on the Box.

[takes the wand off of Two-Face's head]

The Riddler: This is my brain on the Box.

[puts the wand on his own head]

The Riddler: Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?

Two-Face: We'll have a bit more, thank you.

The Riddler: Oh, there's more. But only the first one's free. Here's the bargain: you will help me steal production capital, so I can put a Box on every TV in town. So I can become Gotham's cleverest carbon-based life-form! And in return... is everybody paying attention? I will help you solve the greatest riddle of all... the mother of all riddles: "Who is Batman?"

The Riddler: [after being defeated] Why? Why can't I kill you? Too many questions. Too many questions.

Batman: Poor Edward. I had to save them both. You see, I'm both Bruce Wayne and Batman. Not because I have to be. Now... because I choose to be.

[holds out his hand. The Riddler backs away as he sees a bat]

The Riddler: AAAAHHH! AHHHHGH! AAAAGH!

[Stops Two Face killing Batman]

The Riddler: Don't kill him! If you kill him, he won't learn nothin'!

The Riddler: Like the jacket? It keeps me safe when I'm... jogging at night!

[Chase has told the Riddler that Batman will come for her]

The Riddler: [imitating Cesar Romero's Joker] Batman? Batman, you say? Coming for you?

[laughs]

The Riddler: I'm... COUNTING ON IT!

The Riddler: [of Two-Face's Lair] I simply love what you've done with the place. Heavy Metal meets House and Garden.

Two-Face: What?

The Riddler: I hope you made extra.

Two-Face: Who the hell are you?

The Riddler: Just a friend. But you can call me... the Riddler.

Two-Face: [grabs Riddler by the collar] We'll call you dead, more likely! How did you find us here?

The Riddler: But then if I talked, what would keep you from killing me anyway, O Bifurcated One?

[looks at Two-Face's disfigurement]

The Riddler: By the way, that's never gonna heal if you don't stop picking.

Two-Face: Oh?

[puts pistol to Riddler's head]

Two-Face: Let's see if you bleed green!

The Riddler: Harvey! I don't think it's me you really want to kill. That'd be too easy for someone as sophisticated as you... and you. But Batman...

[gasps]

The Riddler: Now, there's a challenge! Kill the Bat! Sounds like a good idea!

[Two-Face feigns modesty]

The Riddler: Just think of it, a few bullets hit home, a quick splash of blood, and then what? Wet hands... post-homicidal depression.

[whimpers]

The Riddler: I can help you get Batman.

[looks at Two-Face's pistol]

The Riddler: That is if you'll spare my life for just a few moments.

Two-Face: [cocks his head in amusment and puts his gun away] Heh...

The Riddler: Thank you.

The Riddler: [Upon discovering the Batcave] Spank me!

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please! You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

The Riddler: [while raiding a jewelry store and looking at a diamond through a hand-held microscope] Here's a good one.

Two-Face: No, no, no.

[shows the Riddler a bigger diamond]

Two-Face: Now, there is a good one.

The Riddler: Soon my little "Box" will be on countless TVs around the world. Feeding me, credit card numbers, bank codes, sexual fantasies, and little white lies. Into my head they'll go. Victory is inevitable.

[after shooting down the Batplane]

The Riddler: I hope they can find the little black box.

[as "The Box" is used on Strickley]

The Riddler: [imitating game show host] Edward Nygma, come on down! You're the next contestant on "Brain Drain"!

[imitating shy game show contestant]

The Riddler: Um, gee, ooh, uh, I'll take what's inside Thick Skull #1!

[imitating game show host]

The Riddler: What have we got for him, Johnny?

[laughs]

The Riddler: Stickley! I'm having a breakthrough! And a breakdown? Maybe! Nevertheless, I'm smarter. I'm a genius. No, several geniuses! A gaggle! A swarm! A flock of freakin' Freuds! Riddle me this, Fred! What is everything to someone and nothing to everyone else? Your mind, baby! And now mine pumps with the power of yours!

[singing]

The Riddler: I'm sucking up your I.Q., vacuuming your cortex, feeding off your brain!

The Riddler: [while looking for the Batcave] OK. Now, if I was a superhero, where would I hide?

The Riddler: If you look at the numbers on my face you won't find 13 anyplace.

The Riddler: [to Two Face after Batman shows up] Your entrance was good... his was better. The difference: showmanship.

The Riddler: Tell the fat lady she's on in five.

The Riddler: Now the real game begins!

The Riddler: This is your brain on the box. This is my brain on the box. Does anybody else feel like a fried egg?

The Riddler: This is your captain speaking. Please remain in your seats, we will be experiencing... turbulence!

[he presses a button, the tower fires an energy blast that shoots down the Batplane]

Two Face: Who the hell are you?

The Riddler: Just a friend, but you can call me, the Riddler!

The Riddler: By the way, I've seen your mind. Freak! Yours is the greatest riddle of all! Can Bruce Wayne and Batman ever truly coexist? We'll find out today! But first, let's meet our contestants. Behind curtain... number one!

[Sugar pulls the rope, the curtain drops and reveals Chase Meridian tied up and hung in a container high up in the room]

The Riddler: The absolutely fabulous Dr. Chase Meridian! She enjoys hiking, manicures and foolishly hopes to be the love of Bruce's life... HA!

Two-Face: [clapping his hands] Heh!

The Riddler: And behind curtain number two!

[Spice pulls the rope, another curtain drops and reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers]

The Riddler: Fatman's one and only partner! This acrobat turned orphan like Saturday morning cartoons and dreams one day being...

[whispers]

The Riddler: ... bare naked with a girl!

[Two-Face gasps and The Riddler turns to him, laughs]

The Riddler: and below these contestants... my personal favorite: A watery grave!

[He reveals two holes in the floor leading into a dark pit. Both are underneath the two containers and he points to his scepter]

The Riddler: Just one little touch... and five seconds later, these two date players are GULL FEED on the rocks below... Not enough time to save them both... Which one will it be, Batman? Bruce's love... or the Dark Knight's junior partner?

[He imitates a game show timer while Batman ponders in thought]

Batman: There is no way for me to save them or myself... This is all one giant death trap.

The Riddler: Judges?

[makes a buzzer noise]

The Riddler: I'm sorry. Your answer must be in the form of a question. But, thank you for playing.

[He begins to push the button on his scepter]

Batman: Wait! I have a riddle for you.

The Riddler: For me?... Really?

[laughing]

The Riddler: Tell me.

Batman: I see without seeing. To me, darkness is as clear as daylight. What am I?

The Riddler: Please... You're as blind as a bat!

Batman: Exactly.

[throws a batarang at his throne]

The Riddler: You and your trained, exploding shark!

The Penguin: How was I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy?

The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!

The Penguin: How?

The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...

[giggles]

The Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

[giggles again]

The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

The Riddler: [referring to Batman and Robin, of the Penguin] They've already been through one of his fishy explosions, and yet they're still very much alive!

The Riddler: [bell rings] Commodore Schmidlapp ringing for his tea again.

The Riddler: Question: Who's going to make the feathers fly and knock Batman and Robin out of the sky?

The Joker: Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to send up your stupid clues!

The Riddler: Oh, but I must, I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise!

The Riddler: This bird has flown around the bend.

The Joker: To cuckoo land!

The Catwoman: Riddler! Joker! Do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave, DO SOMETHING!

The Joker: Now hear this! Now hear this! Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!

The Catwoman: Riddler.

The Riddler: Yes?

The Catwoman: You're mad, Riddler. Penguin finished Batman by now.

The Riddler: Why, that miserable waddling mountebank of a bird? He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!