The Penguin Quotes in Batman Returns (1992)

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] Just the pussy I've been lookin' for!

The Penguin: [while being bombarded by food] Why is there always someone who brings eggs and tomatoes to a speech?

Batman: What do you want?

The Penguin: Ah, the direct approach. I admire that in a man with a mask.

[laughs, then turns serious]

The Penguin: You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Batman: Things change.

[Catwoman backflips into the middle of the confrontation. They stare at her, momentarily nonplussed]

Catwoman: Meow.

[a store explodes, she slips off]

The Penguin: I saw her first... gotta fly!

[the Penguin creeps up behind Batman and grabs a trick umbrella - only to find it weaponless]

The Penguin: Ah, shit... I picked a cute one.

[hurls away the umbrella]

The Penguin: The heat's getting to me. I'll murder you momentarily. But first, I need a cold drink of ice water.

[he keels over on the edge of the bank. Six emperor penguins waddle up to the him and slide his body into the water]

Catwoman: We need to talk. You see, you and I have something in common.

The Penguin: Sounds familiar. Appetite for destruction? Contempt for the czars of fashion? Wait, don't tell me...

[begins to crawl onto the bed she's sitting on]

The Penguin: naked sexual charisma.

Catwoman: Batman. The thorn in both our sides. The fly in our ointment.

The Penguin: Ointment!

[jumps up and picks up two bottles]

The Penguin: Scented or unscented?

Catwoman: I'll come back later.

The Penguin: [hooking Catwoman onto his trick umbrella, which launches into the air] Goodbye, my unintended; go to Heaven.

[addressing a huge flock of penguins]

The Penguin: My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish *all* God's children! 1st, 2nd, 3rd *and* 4th-born! Why be biased? Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal with their erogenous zones blown sky high! Forward march! The liberation of Gotham has begun!

Fat Clown: Penguin... I mean, killing sleeping children. Isn't it that a little, uh...

[Penguin grabs an umbrella and shoots Henchman dead]

The Penguin: No! It's a lot "uh"!

[Kicks Henchman into the water]

The Penguin: I believe the word you're looking for is "Aaahh"!

The Penguin: By the way, how's Fred Atkins, your old partner?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Fred? Fred's actually... I believe he's on extended vacation. He's-he's good.

The Penguin: Good?

[Penguin takes out a severed hand]

The Penguin: Hi, Max! Remember me? I'm Fred's hand! You wanna greet any other body parts? Remember, Max. You flush it. I flaunt it.

Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?

[he chuckles and the Penguin joins in]

The Penguin: Still... could be worse. My nose could be gushing blood.

[they both laugh again]

Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by tha...

[the Penguin bites Josh's nose]

The Penguin: You gotta admit I played this stinkin' city like a harp from hell.

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You're Beauty and the Beast in one luscious Christmas gift pack.

The Penguin: [driving the Batmobile] Maybe this is a bad time to mention this, but my license has expired!

Catwoman: It's chilly in here.

The Penguin: I'll warm you.

The Penguin: I could really get into this mayor stuff. It's not about power, it's about reaching out to people - touching people - groping people!

The Penguin: I'd like to fill her void.

[the Ice Princess mistakes the batarang for a camera]

The Penguin: Say cheese!

Ice Princess: Cheese!

[he throws it at her]

[the Organ Grinder's monkey approachs]

The Penguin: So where are all the children?

[the monkey hands him a note with a bat symbol on it]

The Penguin: "Dear Penguin. The children regret they are unable to attend - Batman."

[the Penguin screams]

The Penguin: They wouldn't put me on a pedestal, so I'm layin' 'em on a slab!

The Penguin: Just relax. I'll take care of the squealing, wretched, pinhead puppets of Gotham!

Volunteer Bimbo: You are the coolest role-model a young person could have!

The Penguin: And you're the hottest young person a role-model could have.

The Penguin: You didn't invite me, so I CRASHED!

Catwoman: Not even in office yet and already an enemies list, hmm?

The Penguin: Those names are not for prying eyes. Hey, why should I trust some cat-broad, anyway? Maybe you're just a screwed-up sorority chick who's gettin' back at her daddy for not buying her that pony when she turned sweet sixteen.

The Penguin: [to Catwoman] You lousy minx! I oughta have you spayed!

The Penguin: But when it comes down to it, who's holding the umbrella?

The Penguin: You're just jealous, because I'm a genuine freak and you have to wear a mask!

Batman: You might be right.

The Penguin: [to his penguins] My babies. Did you miss me?

[he gets out of his wooden duck]

The Penguin: Did you miss me?

Henchman: Great speech, Oswald.

[Penguin hits him]

The Penguin: [shouting] My name is not Oswald! It's Penguin! I am not a human being. I am an animal! Cold-blooded!

The Penguin: Check it out. We're gonna disassemble his Batmobile and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.

Catwoman: No, no, he'd have even more power as a martyr. To destroy Batman, we must first turn him into what he hates the most. Namely us.

[plotting against Batman]

Catwoman: Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself. I wanna play an integral part in his degradation.

The Penguin: A plan is forming.

Catwoman: I want in. The thought of busting Batman makes me feel all... dirty. Maybe I'll just give myself a bath right here.

[licks herself in a cat-like manner]

The Penguin: [spinning an umbrella with hypnotic swirls painted on] What you hide, I discover. What you put in your toilet, I place on my mantle. Get the picture?

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: What is that supposed to do? Hypnotize me?

The Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Well, it's not working.

[Penguin jerks the umbrella, which fires a shot, and Max jumps]

The Penguin: Ah, you big baby. Just blanks.

The Penguin: You're coming with me, ya great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead.

The Penguin: I don't, so no.

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I'm the one you want. Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you wanna see immersed up to his eyeballs in raw sewage?

The Penguin: [thinks] Okay, you got a point. I'll let the little prince live.

The Penguin: Burn baby, burn!

Catwoman: You said you were going to scare the Ice Princess.

The Penguin: She looked pretty scared to me!

The Penguin: Touring the riot scene. Gravely assessing the devastation. Upstanding mayor stuff.

Batman: You're not the mayor.

The Penguin: Things change.

The Penguin: [to a crowd of voters] I may have saved the mayor's baby, but I refuse to save a mayor who stood by helpless *as a baby*, while Gotham City was ravaged by a disease that turned eagle scouts into crazed clowns and happy homemakers into catwomen!

The Penguin: Rats with wings do your thing.

The Penguin: Actually, this is all just a bad dream. You're at home, in bed, heavily sedated, resting comfortably, dying from the carcinogens you personally spewed in a lifetime of profiteering. Tragic irony or poetic justice, you tell me.

The Penguin: [on the Batmobile's TV screen] Don't adjust your sets. Welcome to the Oswald Cobblepot school of driving. Gentlemen, start your screaming!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: So he survived. What's the worry?

The Penguin: He didn't even lose a limb! An eyeball! Bladder control!

Maximillian 'Max' Shreck: I wish I could hand out World Peace and Unconditional Love, wrapped in a big bow.

The Penguin: [Watching from behind the sewer grill] Oh, but you can! Oh, but you will!

The Penguin: True. I was their number one son, and they treated me like number two.

The Penguin: It is patently preposterous, you pretentious poser!

The Penguin: Come, my capricious cronies in criminality.

The Penguin: Careful, careful, every one of them's got a mother.

The Penguin: Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

[Batman and Robin look at each other]

Robin: Holy costume party. That's the Penguin.

Batman: Obviously.

Robin: What's his game, I wonder.

[Batman turns back to the Penguin]

Batman: What's your game, Penguin?

The Penguin: Penguin?

[laughs]

The Penguin: No, my name's Schmidlapp, old boy. Schmidlapp.

The Riddler: You and your trained, exploding shark!

The Penguin: How was I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy?

The Riddler: I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!

The Penguin: How?

The Riddler: How? The end! The end, oh...

[giggles]

The Riddler: We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

[giggles again]

The Riddler: The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

The Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?

The Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!

The Penguin: Waugh waugh!

The Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!

[Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]

The Catwoman: Penguin, you know I can't take water!

The Penguin: You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?

The Penguin: Now hear this, now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. My fine pinioned pirates, we're approaching the tricky buoy! Sharpen your cutlasses! There may be skullduggery ahead!

The Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is going to scramble: Batman and Robin! Waugh, waugh, waugh, waugh!