The Joker Quotes in The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)

The Joker: [from trailer] You wanna play games, do you Batman? Save the city or catch your greatest enemy!

Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?

The Joker: Who else drives you to one-up them the way I do?

Batman: Superman.

The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!

Batman: I like to fight around.

The Joker: You're seriously saying that there's nothing special about us?

Batman: There is no "us". Never will be.

The Joker: Hold on a sec. Are you trying to tell me that Bruce Wayne is Batman... 's roommate?

Pilot Bill: [Thinking its Captain Dale] Is everything ok?

The Joker: I'm afraid Captain Dale had to bail, I'm your new co-pilot and I always come to work with a smile

[Smiles evilly]

The Joker: you should be terrified.

Pilot Bill: Why?

The Joker: Because I will be taking over the city.

Pilot Bill: Hmmm

The Joker: What?

Pilot Bill: Batman will stop you.

The Joker: [blows raspberry]

Pilot Bill: He always stops you

The Joker: No he doesn't

Pilot Bill: Remember that time with the two boats?

The Joker: This is better than the two boats.

Pilot Bill: Hmmm.

The Joker: Well tonight is going to be different tonight is my greatest plan yet and trust me Batman's never going to see it coming like the time with the Parade and the Prince music.

The Joker: Are you seriously saying there is nothing, nothing special about our relationship?

Batman: Whoa. Let me tell you something, J-bird. Batman doesn't do 'ships.

The Joker: [Confused] What?

Batman: As in "relationships." There is no "us." Batman and Joker are not a thing. I don't need you. I don't need anyone. You mean nothing to me. No one does.

The Joker: Hey Batman! Joker's home.

[laughts]

The Joker: I'm rubbing my butt all over your stuff. We're go Gonna have to rename this the Butt-mobile.

The Joker: And rounding out the evil all-stars, Wicked Witch, Medusa, and British robots!

Daleks: Exterminate!

The Joker: Ask your nerd friends.

The Joker: [Continuing to list villains] Mr. Freeze, Penguin, Crazy Quilt, Eraser, Polka-Dot Man, Mime, Tarantula, King Tut, Orca, Killer Moth, March Harriet, Zodiac Master, Gentlemen Ghost, Clock King, Calendar Man, Kite Man, Catman, Zebra-Man, and the Condiment King!

Pilot Bill: Okay, are you making some of those up?

The Joker: Nope, they're all real. Probably worth a Google.

The Joker: It's gotta be one or the other, Batman. Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy. You can't do both.

Batman: I'm sorry, what did you just say?

The Joker: You can't do both, I said.

Batman: No, I mean the other thing.

The Joker: Save the city, or catch your greatest enemy.

Batman: You think you're my greatest enemy?

The Joker: Yes! You're obsessed with me!

Batman: [blows a raspberry] No, I'm not.

The Joker: Yes you are.

Batman: No I'm not.

The Joker: Yes, you are! Who else drives you to one-up them the way that I do?

Batman: Bane.

The Joker: No, he doesn't.

Batman: Superman.

The Joker: Superman's not a bad guy!

The Joker: [Releasing the villains from the Phantom Zone] He's evil, he's magic, and it's about to get tragic. It's Voldemort!

Voldemort: Magic!

[Starts zapping police]

Voldemort: You are a fish! You, a frog! You are a fish-frog!

The Joker: He's a 9,000-year-old incarnation of evil, with an eye for jewelry. Give it up for Sauron!

Sauron: Good afternoon, Gotham City.

[Fires a beam of fire at Gotham]

The Joker: He likes long, violent walks on historic builds. It's King Kong!

King Kong: Come at me, Gotham!

The Joker: Your city is under attack by Gotham's greatest criminal minds. Including... The Riddler... Scarecrow...

Scarecrow: Pizza delivery.

The Joker: Bane.

Bane: Hello!

The Joker: Two-Face.

Two-Face: We need that door open, baby.

The Joker: Catwoman.

Catwoman: Meow, meow. You're in! Meow, meow.

The Joker: Madam Mayor! Thanks for dropping by.

Mayor McCaskill: I've only got one thing to say to you, Joker.

The Joker: Well, you'd better make it fast.

Mayor McCaskill: Do you like to gamble?

The Joker: Oh, I certainly do.

Mayor McCaskill: Do you ever play roulette?

The Joker: On occasion.

Mayor McCaskill: Well, let me give you a word of advice.

The Joker: I'm all ears.

Mayor McCaskill: When playing roulette...

The Joker: Yes?

[the Mayor pulls her mask off, revealing herself to be Batman in disguise]

Batman: Always bet on black.

The Chechen: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] What do you propose?

The Joker: It's simple. We, uh, kill the Batman.

[mobsters laugh]

Salvatore Maroni: If it's so simple, why haven't you done it already?

The Joker: If you're good at something, never do it for free.

Batman: [in the interrogation room] Then why do you want to kill me?

The Joker: [giggling] I don't, I don't want to kill you! What would I do without you? Go back to ripping off mob dealers? No, no, NO! No. You... you... complete me.

Batman: You're garbage who kills for money.

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them. You're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me! They need you right now, but when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper! You see, their morals, their code, it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you. When the chips are down, these... these civilized people, they'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster. I'm just ahead of the curve.

The Joker: You know. I don't want there to be any hard feelings between us, Harvey. When you and, uh...

Harvey Dent: Rachel!

The Joker: Rachel were being abducted. I was sitting in Gordon's cage. Now, *I* didn't rig those charges.

Harvey Dent: Your men. Your plan.

The Joker: Do I really look like a guy with a plan? You know what I am? I'm a dog chasing cars. I wouldn't know what to do with one if I caught it! You know, I just... *do* things.

[Batman slams The Joker's head on the table]

The Joker: Never start with the head. The victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman punches the Joker's hand. The Joker pauses for a moment waiting for it to hurt]

The Joker: See?

The Joker: [to Det. Stephens in the interrogation room] Do you want to know why I use a knife? Guns are too quick. You can't savor all the... little emotions. In... you see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are. So in a way, I know your friends better than you ever did. Would you like to know which of them were cowards?

The Joker: [in a warehouse next to a mountain of money] All you care about is money. This city deserves a better class of criminal. And I'm gonna give it to them!

Gambol's Bodyguard: Yo, Gambol, there's somebody here for you. They say they just killed the Joker.

Gambol's Bodyguard: They brought the body.

[a body bag is brought in and dropped on the table; Gambol unzips it, revealing Joker's face]

Gambol: So. For dead, that's 500...

The Joker: [sitting up and sticking a blade in Gambol's mouth] How 'bout alive?

[Joker's men hold the bodyguards]

The Joker: You wanna know how I got these scars? My father, was a drinker, and a fiend. And one night, he goes off crazier than usual. Mommy gets the kitchen knife to defend herself. He doesn't like that. Not. One. Bit. So, me watching, he takes the knife to her, laughing while he does it. He turns to me and says, "Why so serious?" Comes at me with the knife. "WHY SO SERIOUS?" He sticks the blade in my mouth... "Let's put a smile on that face." And...

[glancing at thug]

The Joker: Why so serious?

[kills Gambol]

Batman: [as Joker is holding Rachel out a window] Let her go!

The Joker: [giving him a look] Very poor choice of words...

The Joker: I just did what I do best. I took your little plan and I turned it on itself. Look what I did to this city with a few drums of gas and a couple of bullets. Hmmm? You know... You know what I've noticed? Nobody panics when things go "according to plan." Even if the plan is horrifying! If, tomorrow, I tell the press that, like, a gang banger will get shot, or a truckload of soldiers will be blown up, nobody panics, because it's all "part of the plan". But when I say that one little old mayor will die, well then everyone loses their minds!

[Joker hands Two-Face a gun and points it at himself]

The Joker: Introduce a little anarchy. Upset the established order, and everything becomes chaos. I'm an agent of chaos. Oh, and you know the thing about chaos? It's fair!

[still holding the gun, Two-Face pauses and takes out his coin]

Two-Face: [showing Joker the good side] You live.

The Joker: Mm-hmm.

Two-Face: [showing the scarred side] You die.

The Joker: Mmm, now we're talking.

Gambol: [to The Joker during a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] Give me one reason why I shouldn't have my boy here pull your head off.

The Joker: How about a magic trick?

[pulls out a pencil and sticks it upright into the table]

The Joker: I'm gonna make this pencil disappear.

[Gambol's thug walks over to kill The Joker, who slams his face into the pencil and kills him]

The Joker: Ta-daa! It's... it's gone.

Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're pretty smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

[Bozo leans down and sticks a gas grenade in the manager's mouth]

Bozo: I believe whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...

[takes off his mask, revealing the Joker]

The Joker: ...stranger.

The Joker: [while hanging upside down] Oh, you. You just couldn't let me go, could you? This is what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object. You truly are incorruptible, aren't you? You won't kill me out of some misplaced sense of self-righteousness. And I won't kill you because you're just too much fun. I think you and I are destined to do this forever.

Batman: You'll be in a padded cell forever.

The Joker: Maybe we can share one. You know, they'll be doubling up, the rate this city's inhabitants are losing their minds.

Batman: This city just showed you that it's full of people ready to believe in good.

The Joker: Until their spirit breaks completely. Until they get a good look at the real Harvey Dent, and all the heroic things he's done. You didn't think I'd risk losing the battle for Gotham's soul in a fistfight with you? No. You need an ace in the hole. Mine's Harvey.

Batman: What did you do?

The Joker: I took Gotham's white knight and I brought him down to our level. It wasn't hard. You see, madness, as you know, is like gravity. All it takes is a little push!

[the Joker laughs hysterically as Batman races off and the cops come to take the Joker into custody]

The Joker: [in the interrogation room] I want... my phone call. I want it. I want it! I want my phone call!

Detective Stephens: That's nice.

The Joker: How many of your friends have I killed?

Detective Stephens: I'm a twenty-year man. I can tell the difference between punks who need a little lesson in manners, and the freaks like you who just enjoy it.

[pause]

Detective Stephens: And you've killed six of my friends.

The Joker: [mouths "six?"]

The Joker: [during the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] You know, I'll settle for his loved ones.

Gentleman at Party: We're not intimidated by thugs!

The Joker: [as he smacks his lips] You know, you remind me of my father.

[the Joker pulls out his switchblade and brings it to the Gentleman's mouth]

The Joker: I hated my father!

Rachel Dawes: [off-screen] Okay, stop!

[turns to face Rachel, tosses the Gentleman to his thugs and approaches Rachel, adjusting his hair with the knife]

The Joker: Well, hello, beautiful. You must be Harvey's squeeze. And you *are* beautiful.

[he walks around her]

The Joker: Oh, you look nervous. Is it the scars? You want to know how I got 'em?

[He grabs Rachel's head and positions the knife by her mouth]

The Joker: Come here. Hey! Look at me. So I had a wife. She was beautiful, like you. Who tells me I worry too much. Who tells me I ought to smile more. Who gambles and gets in deep with the sharks. One day, they carve her face. And we have no money for surgeries. She can't take it. I just want to see her smile again. I just want her to know that I don't care about the scars. So... I stick a razor in my mouth and do this...

[the Joker mimics slicing his mouth open with his tongue]

The Joker: ...to myself. And you know what? She can't stand the sight of me! She leaves. Now I see the funny side. Now I'm always smiling!

[Rachel knees the Joker in the groin; he merely laughs it off]

The Joker: A little fight in you. I like that.

Batman: [off-screen] Then you're gonna love me.

[attacks him]

The Chechen: [in a warehouse next to a mountain of money] Joker-man, what you do with all your money?

The Joker: You see, I'm a guy of simple taste. I enjoy dynamite, and gunpowder, and gasoline!

[he pours gasoline on the mountain of cash]

The Chechen: [panicked] What the...?

The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta-ta. And you know the thing they have in common? They're cheap.

Lt. James Gordon: [in the interrogation room] Harvey Dent never made it home.

The Joker: Of course not.

Lt. James Gordon: What have you done with him?

The Joker: Me? I was right here.

[holds up his arms in handcuffs]

The Joker: Who did you leave him with? Your people? Assuming, of course, they are still *your* people, and not Maroni's. Does it depress you, commissioner? To know just how alone you really are? Does it make you feel responsible for Harvey Dent's current predicament?

Lt. James Gordon: Where is he?

The Joker: What's the time?

Lt. James Gordon: What difference does that make?

The Joker: Well, depending on the time, he may in one spot, or several.

Lt. James Gordon: If we're gonna play games...

[takes off Joker's handcuffs]

Lt. James Gordon: I'm gonna need a cup of coffee.

The Joker: Ah, the good cop, bad cop routine?

Lt. James Gordon: Not exactly.

[bumps along while driving a hijacked semi truck]

The Joker: [driving in the driver's seat] I like this job - I like it!

The Joker: [after a news segment] I had a vision, of a world without Batman. The mob ground out a little profit and the police tried to shut them down, one block at a time. And it was so... boring. I've had a change of heart. I don't want Mr. Reese spoiling everything, but why should I have all the fun? Let's give someone else a chance. If Coleman Reese isn't dead in sixty minutes then I blow up a hospital.

The Joker: [stumbles out of wrecked truck, playing chicken with Batman] Come on, I want you to do it, I want you to do it. Come on, hit me. Hit me!

The Joker: [after a news segment] Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress like him?

Brian: He's a symbol... that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Yeah, you do, Brian. You *really* do!

The Joker: [SPOILER] We really should stop this fighting, otherwise we'll miss the fireworks!

Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] There won't *be* any fireworks!

The Joker: And here... we... go!

[Silence. Nothing happens. Confused, Joker turns to look at the clock, which shows that it's past midnight and neither ferry has blown the other up]

Batman: [triumphantly] What were you trying to prove? That deep down, everyone's as ugly as you? You're alone!

The Joker: [sighs] Can't rely on anyone these days, you have to do everything yourself, don't we!

The Joker: Don't talk like one of them, you're not! Even if you'd like to be. To them, you're just a freak, like me. They need you right now. But when they don't, they'll cast you out, like a leper. See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.

Batman: [grabs Joker] Where's Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you!

Lt. James Gordon: [as Batman slams Joker into the wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: [getting impatient] Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule.

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you wanna save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for awhile there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her.

[Joker laughs, Batman throws Joker on table, barricades door]

The Joker: Look at you go! Does Harvey know about you and his little bunny?

Batman: [slams Joker into mirror] Where are they?

The Joker: Killing is making a choice.

Batman: [punches Joker] Where are they?

The Joker: Choose between one life or the other. Your friend, the district attorney, or his blushing bride-to-be...

[punches Joker]

The Joker: [laughs] You have nothing, nothing to threaten me with! Nothing to do with all your strength!

[grabs Joker]

The Joker: Don't worry, I'm gonna tell you where they are. Both of them. And that's the point. You'll have to choose. He's at 250 52ND Street and she's on Avenue X, at Cicero.

Grumpy: That's a lot of money. If this Joker guy was so smart, he'd have had us bring a bigger car.

[promptly draws his gun and points it a Bozo]

Grumpy: I'm bettin' the Joker told you to kill me as soon as we loaded the cash.

Bozo: [looks at his watch, checking it. He sighs] No, no no no. I kill the bus driver.

Grumpy: [as Bozo moves a few paces to one side] Bus driver? What bus driver?

[a yellow school bus reverses through the bank's doors and knocks Grumpy down. The driver jumps out]

Bus Driver: School's out! Time to go!

[laughs]

Bus Driver: Cat's not gettin' up, is he?

[loading duffels]

Bus Driver: That's a lot of money. What happened to the rest of the guys?

[Bozo casually shoots the bus driver dead, then picks up the last duffel and throws it into the bus. Bozo prepares to climb in]

Gotham National Bank Manager: Think you're smart, huh? The guy that hired youze, he'll just do the same to you. Oh, criminals in this town used to believe in things. Honor. Respect. Look at you! What do you believe in, huh? WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE IN?

Bozo: [putting a gas grenade in the banker's mouth] I believe, whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you...

[takes off his mask revealing the face of the Joker]

The Joker: ...stranger.

Gambol: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] You think you can steal from us and just walk away?

The Joker: Yeah.

The Joker: [over the PA] Tonight you're all gonna be part of a social experiment. Through the magic of diesel fuel and ammonium nitrate, I'm ready right now to blow you all sky high. Anyone attempts to get off their boat, you all die. Each of you has a remote... to blow up the other boat. At midnight, I blow you all up. If, however, one of you presses the button, I'll let that boat live. So, who's it going to be: Harvey Dent's most wanted scumbag collection, or the sweet and innocent civilians? You choose... oh, and you might want to decide quickly, because the people on the other boat might not be so noble.

The Joker: [upon entering the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent while his henchmen follow behind him] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?

[nobody responds; The Joker walks around the room pointing with his shotgun at everyone]

The Joker: You know where Harvey is? You know who he is?

[grabs a man's face]

The Joker: You know where I can find Harvey? I need to talk to him about something. Just something, a little.

[turns the man's face away]

The Joker: No...

The Joker: It's a funny world we live in. Speaking of which, do you know how I got these scars?

Batman: [while being pinned down on the platform next to the ledge of a building that's still under construction] No! But I know how you got these!

[fires gauntlet blades into Joker's face]

The Joker: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] If we don't deal with this now, soon little, uh, Gambol here won't be able to get a nickel for his grandma.

Gambol: [explodes] Enough from the clown!

[He rises to his feet; Joker does too, opening his coat to reveal a cluster of grenades, attached to a string around his thumb]

The Joker: Ah-ta-ta-ta! Let's not *blow*...

Man No. 1: Shit!

The Joker: ...this out of proportion.

The Joker: [the Joker has Brain Douglas captured and is recording him] Tell them your name.

Brian: Brian... Douglas.

The Joker: Are you the real Batman?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No?

Brian: No.

The Joker: No? Then why do you dress up like him?

[grabs Brian's mask and dangles it in front of the camera]

The Joker: whooo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Brian: Because he's a symbol that we don't have to be afraid of scum like you.

The Joker: Oh you do, Brian. You really do. Yeah. Oh shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. So, you think Batman's made Gotham a better place? Hmm? Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

[turns camera to himself]

The Joker: You see? This is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! You want order in Gotham? Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die. Starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.

[laughs]

The Joker: [Batman slams The Joker's head on a table in the interrogation room] Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand; pause]

The Joker: See?

Gambol: [During a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] You're crazy.

The Joker: I'm not. No, I'm not.

Batman: in the interrogation roomWhere is Dent?

The Joker: You have all these rules and you think they'll save you.

Lt. James Gordon: [Batman slams the Joker against a wall] He's in control.

Batman: I have one rule.

The Joker: Oh, then that's the rule you'll have to break to know the truth.

Batman: Which is?

The Joker: The only sensible way to live in this world is without rules.

[mimicking Batman's voice]

The Joker: And tonight you're gonna break your one rule!

Batman: I'm considering it.

The Joker: Oh, there's only minutes left, so you're gonna have to play my little game if you want to save one of them.

Batman: [softly, fearful] Them?

The Joker: You know for a while there, I thought you really were Dent. The way you threw yourself after her!

The Joker: [to the mob after performing his "magic trick," during a private sit down meeting with the gangsters] Oh, and by the way, the suit, it wasn't cheap. You oughta know, you bought it.

The Joker: [to the Chechen] Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.

The Chechen: They won't work... for a FREAK!

The Joker: [pulls out a knife] Freak? Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches, hmm? And then we'll see just how loyal a hungry dog REALLY is!

The Joker: [half to himself] It's not about money... its about sending a message.

The Joker: [dialing on a cell phone while a mountain of money burns behind him] Everything burns!

The Joker: [after a news segment, holds camera facing himself] See, this is how crazy Batman's made Gotham! If you want order in Gotham, Batman must take off his mask and turn himself in. Oh, and every day he doesn't, people will die, starting tonight. I'm a man of my word.

[laughs]

The Joker: [Is about to unmask the unconscious Batman but Gordon suddenly points a gun to his head] Arrrgh! Could you *please* just give me a minute?

[Lau announces that he's removed all the mob's cash from their banks before the police raid, and stashed them in a secure location]

Lau: [during a video conference with the gangsters, interrupting their private sit down meeting] For obvious reasons, I couldn't wait for your permission. Rest assured, your money is safe.

[From outside comes the sound of loud, fake laughter. The mob bosses turn and see the Joker enter]

The Joker: And I thought my jokes were bad.

The Joker: [to Gambol's thugs, being held helpless by his own] Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have...

[breaks pool cue over knee]

The Joker: Tryouts.

[throws broken pool cue at the thugs]

The Joker: Make it fast.

[the Batpod emerges from an alleyway]

The Joker: Now there's a Batman!

[the Batpod charges towards in the semi truck]

The Joker: [sitting in the drivers seat in the semi truck] Ooohhh. You want to play. Come on!

The Joker: [in a warehouse next to a mountain of money] Tell your men they work for me now. This is my city.

The Chechen: They won't work for a freak...

The Joker: [mocking his accent] A freak...

[pulls out his switchblade and tosses it to some goons, who grab the Chechen]

The Joker: Why don't we cut you up into little pieces and feed you to your pooches? Hmm? And then we'll see how loyal a hungry dog really is. It's not about money... it's about sending a message. Everything burns!

The Joker: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are tonight's entertainment! I only have one question. Where is Harvey Dent?

The Joker: Those mob fools want you gone so they can get back to the way things were. But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things... forever.

The Joker: You can't rely on anybody these days, you gotta do everything yourself, don't we? But that's okay, I came prepared. It's a funny world we live in; speaking of which, you know how I got these scars?

Bruce Wayne: No, but I know how you got these.

The Joker: Harvey, Harvey, Harvey Dent.

[climbs up to the cab of a semi truck, the driver of which is dead or unconscious]

The Joker: Oh, excuse me, I want to drive!

[shoves him out and takes the wheel]

The Joker: [upon entering the fundraiser party held for Harvey Dent] We made it!

Mike Engel: [after a news segment, kidnapped by the Joker, Engel is reading a prepared statement] "I'm Mike Engel for Gotham Tonight. What does it take to make you people join in? You failed to kill the lawyer. I've got to get you off the bench..."

The Joker: Bench...

Mike Engel: "And into the game."

The Joker: ...game.

Mike Engel: "Come nightfall, this city is mine..."

The Joker: Mine...

Mike Engel: "... and anyone left here plays by my rules."

The Joker: ...rules.

Mike Engel: "If you don't want to be in the game... get out now.

The Joker: ...get out now

Mike Engel: But the bridge and tunnel crowd are sure in for a surprise. Ha ha ha ha."

[Joker laughs]

[while fighting with Batman, Joker knocks him down and raises a knife]

The Joker: All the old familiar places...

The Joker: [talking about crashing the helicopter] Okay, rack 'em up. Rack 'em up, rack 'em up, rack 'em up.

The Joker: You'll see. I'll show you.

[Batman slams The Joker's head on a table]

The Joker: Never start with the head, the victim gets all fuzzy. He can't feel the next...

[Batman slams a fist down on Joker's hand]

The Joker: See?

The Joker: [During a private sit down with the gangsters] Let's wind the clocks back a year: These cops and lawyers wouldn't dare cross any of you, so what happened? Did your balls drop off? I know why you choose to have your "group therapy" sessions in broad daylight, I know why you're afraid to go out at night: The Batman. Batman has shown your true colors. Unfortunately, Dent, he's just the beginning.

The Joker: [in the interrogation room]

[... ctd]

The Joker: See, their morals, their code... it's a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They're only as good as the world allows them to be. I'll show you, when the chips are down, these... these civilized people? They'll eat each other. See, I'm not a monster, I'm just ahead of the curve.

The Joker: [Referring to Lau from the video conference to the gangsters] And as for the television's so-called "plan", Batman has no jurisdiction. He'll find him and make him squeal. I know the squealers when I see them, and...

[he indicates Lau, who shuts off the video conference]

The Joker: Tell me something, my friend. You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight?

Bruce Wayne: What?

The Joker: I always ask that of all my prey. I just... like the sound of it.

[shoots him]

Vicki Vale: What do you want?

The Joker: My face on the one dollar bill.

Vicki Vale: You must be joking.

The Joker: Do I look like I'm joking?

The Joker: Where does he get those wonderful toys?

The Joker: Never rub another man's rhubarb.

Bruce Wayne: I know who you are. Let me tell you about this guy I know, Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.

The Joker: I like him already.

[laughs]

Bruce Wayne: Now you know the problem was... he got sloppy. You know? Crazy. He started to lose it. He had a head full of bad wiring, I guess.

[Walks towards the fireplace]

Bruce Wayne: Couldn't keep it straight up here.

[Points to his head]

Bruce Wayne: He was the kind of guy who couldn't hear the train until it was 2 feet from him.

The Joker: Hmm.

[Smiles and nods his head]

Bruce Wayne: You know what happened to this guy, Jack?

The Joker: [Shakes his head]

Bruce Wayne: Well... he made mistakes. Then he had his

[grabs a poker and smashes a vase]

Bruce Wayne: LIGHTS OUT! Now you wanna get nuts? Come on! Let's get nuts.

The Joker: [fuming] Batman... Batman... Can somebody tell me what kind of a world we live in, where a man dressed up as a *bat* gets all of my press? This town needs an enema!

The Joker: [reciting his poem to Vicki] I'm only laughing on the outside / My smile is just skin deep / If you could see inside I'm really crying / You might join me for a weep.

The Joker: The pen, is truly mightier than the sword!

Batman: I'm going to kill you!

The Joker: You IDIOT! You made me. Remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.

Batman: I know you did.

[punches him again]

The Joker: Haven't you ever heard of the healing power of laughter?

The Joker: [talking to a gargoyle] What are you laughin' at?

The Joker: Now comes the part where I relieve you, the little people, of the burden of your failed and useless lives. But, as my plastic surgeon always said: if you gotta go, go with a smile.

The Joker: And now, folks, it's time for "Who do you trust!" Hubba, hubba, hubba! Money, money, money! Who do you trust? Me? I'm giving away free money. And where is the Batman? HE'S AT HOME WASHING HIS TIGHTS!

The Joker: Sometimes I just kill myself!

The Joker: My balloons. Those are my balloons. He stole my balloons! Why didn't somebody tell me he had one of those... things? Bob, gun.

[Bob hands him a gun, Joker shoots him]

The Joker: I'm gonna need a minute or two alone, boys.

The Joker: I'm of a mind to make some mookie.

The Joker: I've recently had a tragedy in my life. Alicia...

[lays the mask that Alicia wore on the table]

The Joker: ...threw herself out of the window.

Vicki Vale: Oh, my God.

The Joker: But, you can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs.

[breaks the mask and starts giggling]

The Joker: I have given a name to my pain, and it is Batman.

Batman: You killed my parents.

The Joker: What? What? What are you talking about?

Batman: I made you, you made me first.

The Joker: Hey, bat-brain, I mean, I was a kid when I killed your parents. I mean, I say "I made you" you gotta say "you made me." I mean, how childish can you get?

The Joker: [examining Vicki's work] Crap... crap... crap... crap...

[sees pictures of war victims]

The Joker: Ah! Now that's good work! The skulls... the bodies... you give it all such a glow! I don't know if it's art, but I like it!

[the Batwing is flying at Joker]

The Joker: Come on, you gruesome son of a bitch! Come to me. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Come on!

The Joker: Bruce... Wayne, n'est-ce pas?

Bruce Wayne: Most of the time.

The Joker: It can be truly said, that I have a bat in my belfry.

[laughs]

The Joker: Shall we dance?

Rotelli: What's with that stupid grin?

The Joker: Life's been good to me.

[reaches for a pair of glasses in his pocket and puts them on]

The Joker: You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you? Huh?

[Batman punches him]

The Joker: They don't make 'em like they used to! Do they, eh? Eh, Batsy?

Vicki Vale: What can I do for you?

The Joker: Oh, little song, little dance. Batman's head on a lance.

The Joker: [Talking to Bob] You

[heavy breathing]

The Joker: are my number one

[heavy breathing]

The Joker: guy.

The Joker: Gotham City. Always brings a smile to my face.

The Joker: New and improved Joker products! With a new secret ingredient: Smylex.

[Joker reads the newspaper]

The Joker: "Winged freak terrorizes"? Wait till they get a load of me!

The Joker: It's time to retire! Feel free to drop in.

The Joker: Gotham City Cathedral, transportation for two.

Helicopter Goon: Right away, sir?

The Joker: Five minutes.

Helicopter Goon: Five minutes.

[Joker raises his head to look at the top of the Cathedral]

The Joker: Better make it ten.

Alicia: [Bob brings Alicia in] Jack, you said I could watch you improve the paintings.

The Joker: Well I'm in trouble now.

The Joker: [after shooting Bruce Wayne] Why is it everytime I come for you somebody always gets in the way?

The Joker: Who is that loss?

Bob the Goon: It's Knox.

The Joker: Bad tie.

Bruce Wayne: Let me tell you about this guy I know. Jack. Mean kid. Bad seed. Hurt people.

The Joker: I like him already.

[after revealling his latest "work", Alicia]

The Joker: Well, I'm no Picasso, but do you like it?

The Joker: We've got a flying mouse to kill, and I wanna clean my claws.

The Joker: Into the air, Junior Birdman! Missed me!

The Joker: Joker here.

TV Technician: We got interference. Call the OB unit, will ya?

The Joker: Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which *were* true under that fiend, Boss Grissom. He *was* a thief, and a terrorist. On the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a *killer*. I am an artist. I *love* a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!

The Joker: Darling, I've got to get you to the church on time.

The Joker: You know, it's funny. This reminds me of a joke. See, there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum and one night... one night, they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape. So, they made it up to the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across, no problem. But his friend, oh, no way, he's afraid of falling. So, the first guy has an idea. He says, "Hey, I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and you can walk across the beam and join me." But the second guy says, "What do you think I am, crazy? You'll just turn it off when I'm halfway across!"

The Joker: I'm not exactly sure what happened. Sometimes I remember it one way, sometimes another. If I'm going to have a past, I prefer it to be multiple choice!

The Joker: Yes, memory is so treacherous. One moment you're lost in a carnival of delight, childhood aromas, the flashing neon of puberty, all that sentimental candyfloss. The next, it takes you somewhere you don't want to be. Somewhere dark and cold, filled with damp, ambiguous-shaped things you'd rather forget. Memories can be vile, repulsive little brutes. Like children, no?

Batgirl: Why are you doing this?

The Joker: To prove a point.

The Joker: Finish the Commissioner, take him where he needs to be. And please, do be careful. After all, he is topping the bill.

The Joker: I mean, what is it with you? What made you what you are? Girlfriend killed by the mob, maybe? Brother carved up by some mugger? Something like that, I know. Because something like that happened to me.

The Joker: Why aren't you laughing?

Bruce Wayne: Because I've heard it before. And it wasn't funny the first time.

Commissioner Gordon: What's going on?

The Joker: You're going mad.

The Joker: [when Batman picks up the phone in Andrea's apartment] Hello, anybody home? Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write, I still got a soft spot for you. So I'm sending you a fun gift, airmail! And there's no use jumping out the window this time, toots...

[Batman looks out the window and sees a toy Joker plane flying in carrying a bomb]

The Joker: The plane of the future is going to make you history!

[Batman throws a Batarang, exploding the bomb outside the window; the blast knocks him back against the wall, and the phone is left dangling]

The Joker: [laughing] Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party's been... disconnected! HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!

The Joker: All right, I give in. I surrendered already. Tell her, Batman.

Batman: [Panting] Andrea, you've got to... get out of here! The whole place is set to... explode!

Andrea Beaumont: No. One way or another it ends tonight. Goodbye, my love.

Andrea Beaumont: You're not smiling, Joker. I thought you found death amusing.

The Joker: Oh, me? You won't hear a giggle out of me.

[Joker presses a button. Hazel the Robot laughs maniacally and attacks with a cleaver]

The Joker: Ain't it always the way? You get in the mood and company shows up.

The Joker: What a photo op: The city councilman and his wacky pal!

The Joker: For once, I'm stuck without a punchline.

The Joker: Very cute! But I can blow smoke too, toots!

The Joker: That's it. That's what I want to see, a nice big smile.

The Joker: Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman. Why don't eggs tell jokes? Because they crack each other up.

The Joker: How did he find us this time?

Catwoman: He's Batman, you moronic muttonheads, that's how.

The Penguin: Waugh waugh!

The Joker: [mocking] Waugh waugh!

The Joker: A joke a day, keeps the gloom away!

The Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll *kill* you, Batman!

[laughs evilly]

The Joker: Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to send up your stupid clues!

The Riddler: Oh, but I must, I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise!

The Riddler: This bird has flown around the bend.

The Joker: To cuckoo land!

The Catwoman: Riddler! Joker! Do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave, DO SOMETHING!

The Joker: Now hear this! Now hear this! Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!

The Joker: Would you die for me?

Harley Quinn: Yes.

The Joker: That's too easy. Would you live for me?

Amanda Waller: [narration] Before she ran off and joined the circus, she was known as Dr. Harleen Quinzel. A psychiatrist at Arkham Asylum. She was assigned to The Clown himself.

The Joker: Dr. Quinzel. You know, I live for these moments with you. What do you got?

Harley Quinn: I got you a kitty.

The Joker: So thoughtful.

Amanda Waller: [narration] She thought she was curing him, but she was falling in love.

The Joker: There is something you could do for me, Doctor.

Harley Quinn: Anything. I mean, yeah.

The Joker: I need a machine gun

Harley Quinn: A machine gun?

Amanda Waller: [narration] Talk about a workplace romance gone wrong.

The Joker: [from trailer] I can't wait to show you my toys.

The Joker: I love this guy. He's so intense!

Monster T: [looking at Harley dancing] Mmm. You're a lucky man. You got a bad bitch.

The Joker: Oh, that she is. The fire in my loins. The itch in my crotch. The one, the only, the infamous Harley Quinn!

[whistles for Harley]

The Joker: Ooh, come to Daddy.

Harley Quinn: Puddin'!

[laughs]

The Joker: Listen, you are my gift to this handsome hunka hunka! You belong to him now.

Harley Quinn: Well...

[barks at Monster T and laughs]

Harley Quinn: You're cute. You want me? I'm all yours.

Monster T: I don't want no beef.

The Joker: You don't want no beef?

[mocking]

The Joker: You don't want no beef? You don't want no beef?

Harley Quinn: Why, what's wrong? You don't like me? Fine. Don't waste my time then.

Monster T: This is your lady.

The Joker: Look, are you enjoying yourself?

The Joker: No. That's your lady, Joker.

The Joker: That's right.

The Joker: What do we have here?

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I did everything you said. I helped you.

The Joker: Ah. You helped me. By erasing my mind? What few faded memories I had! No. You left me in a black hole of rage and confusion. Is that the medicine you practice, Dr. Quinzel?

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: What are you gonna do? You gonna kill me, Mr. J?

The Joker: What? Oh, I'm not gonna kill ya. I'm just gonna hurt ya... really, really bad.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: You think so? Well, I can take it.

The Joker: [puts belt in her mouth] I wouldn't want you to break those perfect porcelain-capped teeth when the juice hits your brain.

Amanda Waller: [narrating] And that was just the beginning.

[Joker and Harley drive crazily through Gotham City when Batman starts to follow]

Harley Quinn: Come on, Puddin'. Do it!

The Joker: Oh. We have got company.

Harley Quinn: Batsy, Batsy, Batsy.

Amanda Waller: [narrating] She's crazier than him. And more fearless.

[Batman leaps onto the roof of the car]

Harley Quinn: Stupid Bats, you're ruining date night!

[Harley attempts to shoot Batman through the roof]

[from trailer]

The Joker: Are you sweet talkin' me? All'a that chitchat's gonna getcha hurt...

[last lines]

Harley Quinn: Puddin'!

The Joker: Let's go home.

Harley Quinn: You got all dressed up for me?

The Joker: Oh, you know I'd do anything for you. By the way, I've got some grape soda on ice and a bear skin rug waiting.

Harley Quinn: Yeah?

Frost: Boss, we got a problem!

[the Joker's helicopter is struck by a missile]

The Joker: Huh? This bird... is baked. Okay honey, it's me and you.

Harley Quinn: Let's do it!

Monster T: We finally meet.

Frost: Nah, he don't shake hands. But sit down and have a drink.

Monster T: Hey, J. On behalf of everybody, welcome back. I wanted to come by and personally say thank you. You making me good money. I'm making you good money.

The Joker: Are you sweet talking me?

[laughs]

The Joker: I love this guy. He's so intense!

Frost: You might wanna keep your mouth shut.

Griggs: Can I go, man? What the hell is going on, man? This is crazy.

The Joker: Blah, blah-blah, blah-blah. Blah-blah, blah, blah. All of that chitchat's gonna get ya hurt.

[smacks Griggs' shoulders]

Griggs: Oh! My God!

The Joker: Mmm.

[Joker holds out his ring and Griggs kisses it]

The Joker: I could tell you meant that.

Griggs: Yeah.

The Joker: [laughs] You're gonna be my friend.

Harley Quinn: What, I got a hickey or something?

The Joker: Professor, could you pick up the pace?

[Harley receives text from the Joker, then moves towards his helicopter]

Deadshot: Harley!

The Joker: Hello, baby!

Amanda Waller: Kill her!

Rick Flag: Her nanite's disarmed!

The Joker: Come on, baby!

The Joker: Question... Would you die for me?

Harley Quinn: Yes.

The Joker: That's too easy. Would you... Would you live for me? Hmm?

Harley Quinn: Yes.

The Joker: Careful. Do not say this oath thoughtlessly. Desire becomes surrender. Surrender becomes power.

[pause]

The Joker: Do you want this?

Harley Quinn: I do.

The Joker: Say it.

[pauses]

The Joker: Say it. Say it. Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty...

Harley Quinn: Please?

The Joker: [impressed] Aw! God, you're so... good.

The Joker: [sarcastically as Harley holds a gun to his head] Don't hurt me. I'll be your friend.

[seriously]

The Joker: Do it. Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: My heart scares you, and a gun doesn't?

The Joker: Do it!

[snatches gun away and laughs]

The Joker: Ah, if you weren't so crazy, I'd think you were insane. Go... away.

The Joker: Oh, you.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: You're not leaving me. You're not leaving me!

The Joker: You, you, you're a pain in the ass.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: I have done everything you said. Every test, every trial, every initiation. I have proved I love you. Just accept it.

The Joker: [interrupts] Got it, got it, got it, got it. I am not someone who is loved. I'm an idea. A state of mind. I execute *my* will according to my plan. And you, Doctor... are not part of my plan.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel: Just let me in. I promise... Let me in! I promise I won't hurt you!

The Joker: A promise-promise?

[laughs]

The Joker: Where is she?

Frost: It's complex. This is not just her. Everybody's disappearing. There's this new law, where if you're a bad enough bad guy, they stamp "terrorist" on your jacket. They send you to this swamp in Louisiana. A black site. That's where she is.

[pause]

Frost: So, what are we doing?

The Joker: Bring the car around. We're going for a drive.

[laughs]

The Joker: [text message to Harley] I am close be ready...

The Joker: [text message to Harley] I'm coming for you.

Harley Quinn: Puddin'!

[kisses the Joker]

Harley Quinn: You got all dressed up for me?

The Joker: Oh, you know I'd do anything for you. By the way, I've got some grape soda on ice and a bear skin rug waiting.

The Joker: If you weren't so crazy, I'd think you were insane...