The Geek Quotes in Sixteen Candles (1984)

The Geek: [to Samantha] Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

The Geek: This information cannot leave this room. Okay? It would devastate my reputation as a dude.

Samantha: No problem.

The Geek: I've never bagged a babe. I'm not a stud.

[Samantha chuckles]

The Geek: By night's end, I predict me and her will interface.

Samantha: This is Farmer Fred.

The Geek: Ted.

Samantha: Oh, I'm sorry, Farmer Ted.

The Geek: I'm not really a farmer. I'm a freshman.

The Geek: Damn Mom, I've got my headgear on!

Caroline: [annoyed] Will you wake up?

The Geek: [opens eyes] Where the hell am I?

Caroline: I'll, uh, tell you where you are, if you tell me who you are.

The Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.

Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.

The Geek: You own a church?

The Geek: [Farmer Ted is in Jake's dad car. Jake just saw he and Caroline kissing] I'm dead.

[the car phone rings and he answers it]

The Geek: Hello?

Cliff: [voice] Ted, you never called us back. What happened?

The Geek: Look, wheez, I told you not to call me here.

Cliff: [voice] Ted, we're dying, what happened?

The Geek: You wanna know what happened? Buy the book!

[hangs up]

The Geek: I know I came on kinda like a poozer on the bus tonight and everything. But... that's just so my friends won't think, you know, I'm a jerk.

Samantha: But they're all pretty much jerks, though, aren't they?

The Geek: Yeah, but, the thing is, I'm kinda like the leader, you know? Kinda like the king of the dipshits.

Samantha: Well, that's pretty cool. Hey, but a lot can happen over a year. I mean, you could come back next Fall as a completely normal person.

Jake: I'll make a deal with you.

[holds up the panties]

Jake: Let me keep these; I'll let you take Caroline home. But you gotta make sure she gets home. You can't leave her in some parking lot somewhere. Okay?

The Geek: Jake, I'm only a Freshman.

Jake: So? She's so blitzed she won't know the difference.

The Geek: Jake, I don't have a car.

Jake: You can take mine.

The Geek: Jake, I don't have license.

Jake: I trust you...

The Geek: Jake, I'd love to... I can't.

[holds out a bowl]

The Geek: Want a pretzel?

Jake: You sure?

[takes the bowl and sets it down on the counter]

The Geek: Positive.

The Geek: How's it goin'?

Samantha: How's what going?

The Geek: You know - things, life, whatnot.

Samantha: Life is not whatnot, and it's none of your business.

The Geek: Just answer me one question.

Samantha: Yes, you're a total fag.

The Geek: [laughs] That's not the question.

The Geek: Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We're safe as kittens.

The Geek: Will you shut up? People around here work, alright? And will you hurry it up? I'm breaking like 30 major laws here.

The Geek: You know, I'm getting input here that I'm reading as relatively hostile. I mean, it's...

Samantha: Go to hell.

The Geek: VERY hostile!

The Geek: Nice ma - nice manners, babe!

The Geek: [noticing the car Jake puts Caroline in] This, uh, your car, Jake?

Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.

The Geek: This is a mother - ! This is a Rolls-Royce, Jake.

Jake: So?

The Geek: SO? So? I hear the grill ALONE costs five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand!

Jake: Then don't hit anything.

The Geek: [incredulous] Ha ha! Don't hit anything.

Samantha: Oh my God! What should I do? Should I go up to him and and should I say, "Hi Jake, I'm Samantha", or no, maybe I should let him come to me?

The Geek: This is not my department.

Jake: [Jake is now holding Samantha's panties] These are really hers?

The Geek: Yeah.

Jake: How did you get 'em?

The Geek: She gave 'em to me.

Jake: Did you...?

The Geek: No! No, Jake. She's cranked for you. I told her you asked about her, right? The girl freaked. She had a hissy. She thinks you're the cats meow!

Jake: Really? She came up to me in the gym tonight. She looked at me like I was a leper.

The Geek: Girls will do that, Jake. You know? You see, they know guys are like in perpetual heat, right? They know they shit, and they enjoy pumping us up. It's pure power politics. I'm telling ya.

Jake: I thought she hated my guts.

The Geek: Games, Jake. Silly torturous games. You know how many times I've gone without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Any halfway decent girl can rob me - blind! Because I'm too torqued up to say no. It's heinous, I'm telling you.

The Geek: Do you know how many times a week I go without lunch because some bitch borrows my lunch money? Y'know, any halfway decent girl can rob me blind, because I'm too torqued up to say no.

The Geek: So, I mean, what's your story? I mean, you got a guy, or...?

Samantha: Yes, three big ones, and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sic them all over your weenie ass.

Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

Randy: [laughs] Okay.

The Geek: Shoot.

Randy: Get the hell outta here.

The Geek: Jake, is your dad a big man, or?

Jake: About 6'4".

The Geek: Very nice.

[repeated line to his friends]

The Geek: Take those ridiculous things off!

The Geek: [takes item from Caroline] Thank you.

Caroline: [laughs drunkenly] Now we're both on the pill.

The Geek: What?

[spits it out]

The Geek: You gave me a birth control pill? Do you have any idea what that will do to a guy my age?

The Geek: Very nice! We're five minutes in... I'm at a loss.

Bryce: Real smooth, Cliff.

Bryce: Ted, that's a Rolls-Royce.

Bryce: [He sees Caroline passed out in the car] Ted, that's the prom queen. You got two girls in one night.

The Geek: I told you dudes I was hot.

Bryce: Hot? You're a legend!

Jake: You better not be dickin' me around. It'd be a major downer to try and get together with this girl and find out that she really does think I'm a slime.

The Geek: Jake, would I dick you? Let me put it to you this way, what happens to me if I dick you?

Jake: I'll kick your ass.

The Geek: Right! So why would I lie? But I feel compelled to mention to you, Jake, I mean, if all you want of the girl is a piece of ass, I mean, I'll either do it myself, or get someone bigger than me, to kick your ass. I mean, not many girls in contemporary American society today, would give their underwear to help a geek like me.

Jake: I can get a piece of ass anytime I want. Shit, I've got Caroline in the bedroom right now, passed out cold. I could violate her ten different ways if I wanted to.

The Geek: [almost chokes on a pretzel] What are you waiting for?

Jake: I don't know. She's beautiful, and she's built and all that.

[sighs]

Jake: I'm just not interested anymore.

The Geek: Does that really matter, guy?

Jake: Yeah, it matters. She's totally insensitive. Look what she did to my house. She doesn't know shit about love. Only thing she cares about is partying. I want a serious girlfriend. Somebody I can love, that's gonna love me back. Is that psycho?

[Spits]

The Geek: That's beautiful, Jake. I think a ton of guys feel the same way as you do.

Jake: Really?

The Geek: Yeah. It's just they don't... They don't have the balls to admit it. You know? They're just... They're wimps.

Caroline: [after they wake up in the Rolls Royce] I never went out with a freshman. Not even when I was a freshman.

The Geek: Me either.

Caroline: You were pretty crazy.

The Geek: I was?

Caroline: Yeah. You know what I like best?

The Geek: My clean, close shave?

[Background music: The clean, close shave]

Caroline: No. Waking up in your arms.

The Geek: These things?

[They start kissing, then Jake shows up]

Randy: Geek, can I be honest with you?

The Geek: Not if you're gonna insult me.

[Randy laughs as does Jimmy and Samantha sitting nearby]

The Geek: So? Shoot. Out with it.

Randy: [hard and firm tone] Get the hell out of here!

The Geek: Hey! Nice manners, babe!

Jimmy Montrose: She's totally serious, asswipe!

The Geek: Chill. I'm walking.