Texas Ranger Quotes in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby (2006)

Chip: I can't hold my tongue. These kids are my grandchildren and you are raising them wrong. They are *terrible* boys!

Walker: Shut up, Chip, or I'll go ape-shit on your ass!

Texas Ranger: I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Yeah!

Ricky Bobby: Yeah! Now turn up the heat!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Go on and get some, boys!

Ricky Bobby: Come on!

Walker: I'm ten years old, but I'll beat your ass!

Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Like a spider monkey! Go on!

Ricky Bobby: Chip, you brought this on, man.

Walker: Greatest Generation my ass. Tom Brokaw's a punk!

Chip: What is wrong with you?

Texas Ranger: Chip, I'm all jacked up on Mountain Dew!

Texas Ranger: [complaining about doing community service] When do we get to stop doing this, Grandma?

Lucy Bobby: Well, I don't know, honey. When are you boys going to stop tossing me the radio in the bathtub?

Ricky Bobby: How was school today, boys?

Walker: I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's war medals off the bridge.

[Chip is startled]

Ricky Bobby: Sounds like a good day. How 'bout you, TR?

Texas Ranger: The teacher asked me what was the capital of North Carolina. I said Washington, D.C.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Bingo.

Ricky Bobby: Nice.

Texas Ranger: She said, "No, you're wrong." I said, "You got a lumpy butt." She got mad at me and yelled at me and I pissed in my pants and I never did change my pee-pants all day. I'm still sittin' in my dirty pee-pants.

Cal Naughton, Jr.: I wet my bed until I was nineteen. There's no shame in that.

Walker: Shut up in here! I'm trying to sleep!

Texas Ranger: One of you turds is about to get smacked in the mouth!

Texas Ranger: Someone didn't love you enough when you were little, did they?

Reese Bobby: That's a good call.

Texas Ranger: Old man, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!

Walker: [the boys are running around when they should be in Sunday school] ANARCHY! ANARCHY!

Texas Ranger: I don't know what that means, but I LOVE it!

Ricky Bobby: Dear Lord Baby Jesus, I want to thank you for this wonderful meal, my two beautiful sons, Walker and Texas Ranger, and my red-hot smokin' wife, Carley.

Carley Bobby: [raises hands] Woo!

Cal Naughton, Jr.: Mhmm!

Walker, Texas Ranger: Ow.

Texas Ranger: [after Reese getting in an argument with an Applebee's waitress] Please let us not resolve our problems with fighting.

Texas Ranger: You look old, Granny are you gonna die today?

[last lines]

[after the credits]

Texas Ranger: Great analysis, Walker.

Walker: Thanks.

Texas Ranger: Why, if it isn't our mangy, transient grandfather.

Texas Ranger: Aw, Grandma, not my prison shank!

Texas Ranger: Hey there, Popeye!

Texas Ranger: Shut those mutts up before I cook 'em and eat 'em!

Texas Ranger: Father, I have to know, is police brutality really a sin?

Coel: Only on Friday.

Texas Ranger: I'm guilty, father.

Coel: For your penance you will demonstrate bicycle safety at the Black Panther convention in Mobile, Alabama.