Teller Quotes in American Outlaws (2001)

[during the gang's first robbery without Jesse]

Teller: Where's Jesse James?

Cole: This here's the Younger gang, you understand? The Younger gang!

Man: But the Youngers ride with Jesse James.

Bob: Hey! You wanna die?

[the first time Teller has ever spoken on-camera]

Teller: Listen...

The Fan: [shocked] Come on, Teller! The audience knows Teller doesn't talk!

[last lines]

[narrating from beyond the grave as the camera pulls back]

Penn: [voice-over] Oh, yeah. We're dead and there's no way out. I mean, it couldn't be a gag, it couldn't be a joke. We're not gonna have one of the characters wake up from a bad dream; you'd hate us for that! I mean the movie is called 'Penn & Teller Get Killed.' We HAD to get killed at the end, there's no way out of that. We were married to that ending from the moment we thought of the title, and now we've actually killed off ourselves, and there's no taking that back. And this whole pullback, this is not us going to heaven. We're just dead. I mean, those were suicides, frowned upon by every major Western religion, and Atlantic City is in the Western world, so... Penn & Teller are dead. That's it. Thanks. Hope you enjoyed it. You can imagine the sequel thing is kind of a bitch.

Teller: [voice-over] Why didn't we just use different names?

Penn: Damn!

Penn: [introducing The Sorcerer's Apprentice] Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to take a moment, if we may, to talk about a little something we like to refer to as magic.

Teller: [finger quotes]

Penn: Uh, picture this. You're at home, hosting a birthday party for your daughter, and you've just shelled out 50 bucks so some pathetic loser can pull a mangy rabbit out of a flea market hat. At first, you might wonder to yourself "How did he do that?" But then you would probably just dismiss it as some sort of a trick. And you know something? You'd be right! It's just a trick. It's an example of what we laughingly refer to as "stage magic." We're here to tell you that all stage magic is a fraud, a hoax, a sham. It's all based on deception and, yep, lyin'. All of it. Sleight of hand...

Teller: [pulling out cards]

Penn: Lies. Transformations...

Teller: [pulls out an axe]

Penn: Fraud. Dismemberment...

Teller: [cuts a fake hand]

Penn: Rip-off! Fake! All are illusions. What we're here to talk about is real magic. We're gonna bring on a guy now who's the real deal, the genuine article. In fact, he taught us everything we know. And he is featured prominently in the next sequence from the original Fantasia, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice." Y-You know, come to think of it, The Sorcerer's Apprentice is a - is, is a little guy who, uh - who never speaks and just kinda messes everything up...

Teller: [cuts Penn's hair]

Penn: [quietly] Like him. And now...

Teller: [interrupts Penn]

Penn: Wha - And now, the...

Teller: [pulls out a rabbit]

Penn: Oh. Hi. Hi, little fella. I gotta - I gotta - And now, "The Sorcerer's Apprentice."

Tibby Renton: Hi, what you got on your mind... me?

Teller: I couldn't get you otta my mind baby.

Tibby Renton: That's the way I was made too.

Teller: [ogling her] You're growing up, Tibby. You're almost a woman.

Tibby Renton: Almost? I'm woman enough already.

Teller: [laughs] I wouldn't say that.

Tibby Renton: Oh, what do you know about anything? You never got past the ninth grade.

Teller: [suggestively] I'm doin' plenty of things... things they don't teach in school.

Teller: [to Tibby] You can fool aroud with pretty boy Storm as much as you like, but when you decid on a real man, you come to me.