Ted Quotes in eXistenZ (1999)

Allegra: So how does it feel?

Ted: What?

Allegra: Your real life. The one you came back for.

Ted: It feels completely unreal.

Allegra: You're stuck now, aren't ya? You want to go back to the Chinese restaurant because there's nothing happening here. We're safe. It's boring.

Ted: It's worse than that. I'm not sure... I'm not sure here, where we are, is real at all. This feels like a game to me. And you, you're beginning to feel a bit like a game character.

Ted: [points gun at Allegra's head] Death to the demoness, Allegra Geller.

Allegra: That's not funny.

Ted: Sorry.

[lowers the gun]

Ted: But you know, I do feel the urge to kill someone here.

Allegra: Who?

Ted: I need to kill our waiter.

Allegra: Oh. Well that makes sense. Um, waiter! Waiter!

[she calls over waiter]

Allegra: When he comes over, do it. Don't hesitate.

Ted: But... everything in the game is so realistic, I-I don't think I really could.

Allegra: You won't be able to stop yourself. You might as well enjoy it.

Ted: Free will... is obviously not a big factor in this little world of ours.

Allegra: It's like real life. There's just enough to make it interesting.

Ted: [looking at approaching waiter] He's too nice! I won't do it.

Chinese Waiter: What can I do to make your lunch more pleasant?

Ted: I found this in my soup.

[holds up gun]

Ted: And I'm very upset.

[shoots waiter]

Ted: Free will is obviously not a big factor in this little world of ours.

Allegra: It's like real life. There's just enough to make it interesting.

Allegra: Oh God!

Ted: What happened?

Allegra: The whole pod just disappeared into your back.

Ted: It disappeared into my back? It's in my spine? It's working its way around my spinal cord?

Allegra: Don't panic, it's just a game.

Ted: eXistenZ is paused!

Ted: We're both stumbling around together in this unformed world, whose rules and objectives are largely unknown, seemingly indecipherable or even possibly nonexistent, always on the verge of being killed by forces that we don't understand.

Allegra: That sounds like my game, all right.

Ted: That sounds like a game that's not gonna be easy to market.

Allegra: But it's a game everybody's already playing.

Ted: What was your life like before?

Gas: Before?

Ted: Before it was changed by Allegra Geller.

Gas: I operated a gas station.

Ted: You still operate a gas station, don't you?

Gas: Only on the most pathetic level of reality.

Ted: What the fuck are you doing? You killed him. Are you going to kill me next?

Allegra: Pikul, he was only a game character. I didn't like how he was messing with my mind.

Ted: You didn't like that, so you killed him?

Allegra: He's only a game character!

Ted: Allegra, what if we're not in the game anymore?

Allegra: If we're not.

Ted: If we're not then you just killed someone real.

Ted: He wanted to kill you. That's two people in one day who wanted to actually kill you.

Allegra: I've never been more popular.

Allegra: Pikul, what are you doing?

Ted: I don't know. I find this disgusting but I can't help myself.

Allegra: Good.

Ted: Good? You think this is good?

Allegra: Yeah. It's a genuine game urge. It's something your character was born to do. Don't fight it.

Ted: I'm fighting it but it isn't doing me any good.

Ted: I want to put the game on pause. The game can be paused, can't it? I mean, all games can be paused, right?

Allegra: Yeah, sure. But why? What's wrong? Aren't you dying to see what's so special about the special?

Ted: I'm feeling a little disconnected from my real life. I'm kinda losing touch with the texture of it. You know what I mean? I actually think there is an element of psychosis involved here.

Ted: It's none of your business who sent us! We're here and that is all that matters... God, what happened? I didn't mean to say that.

Allegra: It's your character who said it. It's kind of a schizophrenic feeling, isn't it? You'll get used to it. There are things that have to be said to advance the plot and establish the characters, and those things get said whether you want to say them or not. Don't fight it.

Ted: What happens if someone comes up here and really wants to ski?

Allegra: Come on Pikul. No one actually "skis" anymore, you know that.

Ted: It hurts. I think it's infected.

Allegra: No, it's not infected. It's just excited. It wants action.

Ted: But I really don't think I want action! Me, I mean. The bearer of the excited bio-port.

Ted: It was no accident you and I ended up on the run together.

Allegra: Not an accident?

Ted: No.

Allegra: That's why you never had a bio-port. You were one of them.

Ted: I still am one of them.

Allegra: But you have a bio-port now.

Ted: I made the bio-port sacrifice to get close to you.

Allegra: Why would you want to do that?

Ted: To understand what I have to kill.

Allegra: Then understand this. Understand that I knew you were my real assassin when you pointed that gun at me in the Chinese restaurant. And understand that you're dead. Death to the demon Ted Pikul! Have I won? Have I won the game? Have I won?

Ted: I have this phobia about having my body penetrated surgically. You know what I mean?

Ted: I actually think there's an element of psychosis involved here.

Allegra: What the hell was that?

Ted: That wasn't me. That was my game character. I wouldn't have done that. Not here anyway.

Allegra: Our characters are obviously supposed to jump on each other. It's probably a pathetically mechanical attempt to heighten the emotional tension of the next game sequence. No use fighting it.

Yevgeny Nourish: You might be new but you seem to know what you're doing.

Ted: It surprises me more than it surprises you.

Yevgeny Nourish: You might be new but you seem to know what you're doing.

Yevgeny Nourish: And you, you are new to Trout Farm?

Ted: Yeah... yes I'm... I'm very new. Did you say Trout Farm?

Bob: Hey, you're doing pretty well for a first-timer.

Marlin: Well, you can't hold on to them forever, can you?

Bill: You know I had a tough time when my oldest went out to the drop off.

Marlin: They've just got to grow up som - THE DROP OFF? THEY'RE GOING TO THE DROP OFF? WHAT ARE YOU, INSANE? WHY DON'T WE JUST FRY THEM UP NOW AND SERVE THEM WITH CHIPS?

Bob: Hey Marty, calm down.

Marlin: Don't tell me to be calm, pony boy.

Bob: Pony boy?

Bill: You know for a clownfish, he really isn't that funny.

Ted: Pity.

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]

John: Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted: We are so sorry!

Female Nurse: Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted: Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

Customer: Hey.

Ted: Hello.

Customer: I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Ted: Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

Customer: Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted: Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...

Customer: Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?

Ted: Uh, not to my knowledge. No.

Customer: So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

Ted: No. No. You should be fine.

Customer: You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Ted: I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Customer: Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.

Ted: Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.

Customer: And... I won't be followed?

Ted: No, uh... that's not in our budget here.

Customer: Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

Ted: I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

Comic: So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

Ted: 9/11!

Comic: Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.

John: Robin Williams!

Comic: Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?

Ted: Robin Williams on 9/11!

Comic: Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.

Ted: The offices of Charlie Hebdo!

Comic: Okay, seriously, sir, I just need a location.

John: Ferguson, Missouri!

Ted: Germanwings cockpit!

Comic: Okay, I heard Starbucks!

Ted: No, you didn't!

John: Nobody said Starbucks.

Comic: Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?

Ted: Bill Cosby!

Comic: You people are monsters.

John: We're giving you the tools, buddy! Come on, make some fucking comedy!

[from trailer]

Ted: What's your middle name?

Samantha Jackson: Leslie.

Ted: Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John: That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha Jackson: Who is that?

Ted: You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

Samantha Jackson: Do I have "fuck me" eyes?

Ted: No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Ted: What the FUCK!

John: Holy shit, dude! What's the matter? What happened? What's going on?

Ted: There's so much porn!

John: What the hell are you doing, looking at my private shit?

Ted: What are you talking about, "private shit"? Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John: Well, I've been meaning to clear some of that up!

Ted: Jesus Chri-Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rimjob"? "Counterclockwise Rimjob"?

John: Yeah, well, sometimes, we like seeing the tongue go the other way!

Ted: You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With Dicks"!

John: Oh my God! Oh my God, I have a disease! Allright? I need help!

Ted: There are no chicks with dicks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

Samantha Jackson: Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

John: I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

Ted: I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

[from trailer]

Samantha Jackson: All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

Ted: Yup, bring it on.

Samantha Jackson: Do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted: Objection!

John: Sustained!

Samantha Jackson: You know, the witness can't object.

John: Overruled.

Ted: Sidebar.

John: Guilty!

Ted: Speculation.

John: Hearsay!

Ted: Bailiff.

John: Briefcase.

Ted: Disregard.

John: In my chambers.

Ted: Stop beavering the witness.

John: I rest.

Ted: We could totally be lawyers.

Ted: I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John: What?

Ted: I mean, saying his name three times so he appears.

John: Are you fucking crazy? We don't want that guy running around here!

Ted: No, it'll be fine! he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John: Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand, alright! Cut the shit!

[drenched in semen]

John: Fuck! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my fucking mouth!

Ted: Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.

John: NO!

Ted: ..."hashtag GrrrMondays".

[after crashing their car]

Ted: I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.

Judge: Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

Ted: Oh, piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

Samantha Jackson: Ted, shut up!

Ted: Fine!

[Ted begins to play Angry birds on his iPhone]

Ted: [Last lines] Hashtag. Shit happens.

[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]

Ted: Oh, what the fuck? What are you doing?

John: [texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.

Ted: Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with you?

John: Oh, I fucking owe you, you bastard.

Ted: What do you mean? I was just messing around.

John: Oh, shut up and suck that dick.

Ted: Oh, fuck you.

Samantha Jackson: Ted, do you love your wife?

Shep Wild: Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

Samantha Jackson: I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?

Ted: I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

Ted: So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]

Guy: Hey, Ted!

Ted: Guy?

Guy: I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.

[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]

Rick: Hey, how are you doin'?

Ted: Hey, what's going on?

Guy: What are you doing here?

Ted: [sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?

Guy: Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.

Rick: Yeah. Dress up like we're into this shit and fuck with the nerds.

[Guy stops a guest passing by]

Ted: Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]

Ted: Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there.

[noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]

Guy: Right on. You too, man.

[Guy looks at his hands]

Guy: Goddammit, that underwear had shit on it!

Frank: [Unrated version only] You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.

Ted: I fucked her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.

Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]

Donny: You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.

Donny: [singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...

[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]

Ted: Bah, bah, bah!

[Donny lunges at him]

Ted: Fuck! Crazy son of a bitch!

[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]

Vendor: Hey! What are you doing to that bear?

Donny: I'm sorry, I uh,

Vendor: You better be planning on buying that!

Donny: He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor: Yeah, that's great. $40.

Donny: Okay. I have $40 here.

[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

Joy: Look at that! You see them two white niggers over there?

Ted: Yeah, what?

Joy: Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white niggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.

Ted: That weed is really good. It reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called "Here Comes Autism."

John: Yeah, I was just gonna say it's sort of like this other batch we had called..."How Long Has That Van Been There?"

Samantha Jackson: No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called "Help Me Get Home."

Samantha Jackson: Can either of you tell me who wrote the Great Gatsby?

John: Judy Bloome?

Ted: Hitler?

Samantha Jackson: F. Scott Fitzgerald.

John: Who's that?

Samantha Jackson: The author.

John: Well, why are you saying "fuck him"?

Samantha Jackson: [Sam is confused] What?

Ted: You just said Eff Scott Fitzgerald. I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John: Yeah.

Samantha Jackson: No, that's his first name.

Ted: His name's Fuck Scott Fitzgerald?

Samantha Jackson: What? No!

John: Well, what does the F stand for?

Samantha Jackson: Francis.

Ted: No, it's got to be Fuck. It's got to be Fuck.

John: It must be Fuck. It has to be Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: Why the hell would it be "Fuck"?

John: Well, 'cuz otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted: Yeah, he's hiding something. It's Fuck. It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

John: It's Fuck. It's Fuck.

Samantha Jackson: That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted: Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubberlang, get used to it.

Frank: [to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Ted: [Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!

Frank: I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...

Ted: [Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Frank: I'm sorry. But as of today you 're fired.

John: You piece of shit. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

Donny: You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!

John: I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

Ted: Aha! I fucking knew it!

[Unrated version only]

Ted: Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please? Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here. Let's have it, fellas.

Ted: When you hear the sound of thunder don't you get too scared.

John: Just grab your thunder buddy and say these magic words.

Ted: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

John: Oh, fuck you, thunder! You can suck my dick!

Ted: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

John: You can't get me, thunder 'cause you're just God's farts. Yeah!

[Unrated version only, John lists a long list of fictional last names in rapid order for Ted's last name]

John: Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

Ted: Clubber Lang!

John: FUCKING...

Ted: Hahaha!

Ted: [At a "Knight Rider" Q&A panel, unrated version] I have a question. Exactly how many beers did you have before you got naked with that hamburger?

David Hasselhoff: You know, buddy, we all make mistakes. That was a long time ago and I'm a different guy now.

KITT: You know what, can I just jump in here for a second? You're a real scumbag for asking that question.

Ted: What? It's a fair question.

KITT: No, you know what? You know what? Let me tell you something about this man...

David Hasselhoff: KITT, it's all right, just let it go.

KITT: No, no! I want him to hear this. Let me tell you something, after the show ended, I got nothing but shit work, all right? I was playing snow plows, tractors, I was even cast as a lawnmower. Not that was a real low point for me and this man sitting next to me, at this very low point in my life wrote me a check.

David Hasselhoff: Aw, come on, pal.

KITT: No, no! I want everyone to hear this because you are a good man, David Hasselhoff! You are a good man. You saved me with your generosity. You are the most-

[KITT's wiper fluid and windshield wipers start up]

KITT: I'm so sorry. I promised myself I wouldn't get emotional. I just love you, buddy. I just love you so much.

David Hasselhoff: I love you too, pal, I really do. I love you.

Ted: So, like twenty-five beers or what?

KITT: [rushing at Ted] You piece of shit! Get out of here!

Ted: Whoa, man! What the fuck?

KITT: You are not fit to breathe the same air as this man!

David Hasselhoff: KITT, he's not worth it!

KITT: Get out of here!

Ted: What? He's a celebrity. His personal life is our business.

KITT: Get the fuck out, you piece of dog shit! I will run you down like roadkill!

Ted: I don't have to take this shit from a fucking Pontiac.

KITT: Get out! Get the fuck out!

Ted: You're a psycho, dude. Seriously. You're a psycho. Get some therapy.

KITT: Get out!

Ted: [Ted leaves the room] Crazy son of a bitch. Jesus Christ.

Ted: [Unrated version, while listening to Electric Slide at the wedding afterparty] No! No! I said no Electric Slide!

[Throws wine bottle at DJ]

Ted: Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night with your forced white people group fun!

Tami-Lynn: [Unrated version] Teddy, I got a really good feeling about this.

Ted: I know. Me too. I mean, adoption's great. Right?

Tami-Lynn: Oh, yeah. I mean, Steve Jobs was adopted.

Ted: Yeah! Yeah. And also a million kids who did nothin'.

Tami-Lynn: You know, Teddy, this has been nice, you and me doing this together. It's like we have a common goal or somethin'. Right?

Ted: I love hearing you say that, 'cause I feel exactly the same way.

Tami-Lynn: And we ain't fought in, like, a week.

Ted: I know! We haven't! Hey, you know what, if the baby works out, we should get a dog.

Tami-Lynn: Oh, my God. A German shepherd.

Ted: A German shepherd and a baby, together.

Tami-Lynn: It's, like, the perfect family.

Ted: And a gun to protect us all!

Tami-Lynn: Yes! Okay, as soon as we get the baby, we get the gun.

Ted: I love our gun-dog-baby family!

Samantha Jackson: [Unrated version] I love New York.

John: Yeah, there's no bullshit with these people.

Ted: Yeah, you always know who you're dealing with in New York.

[Out the car window, to a group]

Ted: Hello, Jews!

[the groups says hello back]

Samantha Jackson: [Alternate scene] Can either of you tell me what happened in World War I?

John: Yeah. I mean, the whole world was fighting.

Ted: It's a lot of anger. A lot of anger.

Samantha Jackson: Any specifics?

John: A lot of people died.

Ted: Too many, if you ask me.

Samantha Jackson: Where did it take place?

John: All over the world.

Ted: Thus, World War I.

John: And that was the first one.

Ted: Of many.

Samantha Jackson: You guys need to get fucking educated!

Ted: Right. You see the thing is, we don't wanna take any chances, because the stakes are so significant.

John: We can't rush into anything. We got to make sure we're making the right decision.

Ted: We really appreciate your time, but what we're probably gonna do is...

[Samantha takes a hit from bong]

Ted: just take a seat and get to work.

John: Trust you completely.

Ted: We really feel you got a lot to offer.

Samantha Jackson: Sorry you don't mind the pot,do you? I get migraines.

John: Oh absolutely. Me too.

Ted: That's fine. I'm gonna get a huge migraine in the parking lot in about 20 minuets.

Ted: [to Patrick Meighan, played by Morgan Freeman] I think I wanna sleep on a bed made of your voice.

Ted: Strange things are afoot at the Circle-K.

Evil Duke: Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted: Iron Maiden?

Bill, Ted: Excellent!

[air guitar]

Evil Duke: Execute them.

Bill, Ted: Bogus!

Bill: It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Ted: Please welcome, the very excellent barbarian...

Ted, Bill: ...MR. GENGHIS KHAN!

[All the students applaud wildly for Khan]

Ted: This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, 2 hours ago, totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Ted: Now your dad's going for it in your own room!

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Your stepmom *is* cute, though.

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Ted: Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill: SHUT UP, TED!

Missy: Hi, Bill. Want a ride?

Bill: Sure, Missy.

[she draws a blank stare at Bill]

Bill: I mean, Mom.

[she smiles and puts on her Ray-Bans]

Ted: [whispering to Bill] Your stepmom's cute.

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

Ted: Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Bill: Shut up, Ted!

Bill: So-cratz - "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing".

Ted: That's us, dude.

Bill: You ditched Napoleon!

Ted: Deacon, do you realize you have just stranded one of Europe's greatest leaders in San Dimas?

Deacon: He was a dick.

Ted: [both get served beers in a saloon bar] Whoa. He didn't even card us, dude.

Bill: Yeah, we have to remember this place.

[Bill and Ted meet themselves]

Ted: OK wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Bill, Ted: 69, dudes.

Bill, Ted: Whoa.

[quadruple air guitar solo]

[Bill and Ted are working on their history report]

Bill: Okay, Ted, George Washington. One: the father of our country.

Ted: Two: born on President's Day.

Bill: Three: the dollar-bill guy.

Ted: Bill, you ever made a mushroom out of his head? It's like, just like...

Bill: Ted. Alaska.

Ted: Okay. Um... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill: That's Captain Ahab, dude.

Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.

Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.

Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?

Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!

Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.

Bill, Ted: EXCELLENT!

[air guitar, the clock chimes 8:00 am]

Bill: Uh oh, we're late!

Ted: For what?

Bill: For school, dude!

Ted: Oh yeah.

Ted: Dude, are you sure we should be doing this?

Bill: Ted, you and I have witnessed many things, but nothing as bodacious as what just happened. Besides, we told ourselves to listen to this guy.

Ted: What if we were lying?

Bill: Why would we lie to ourselves?

[Bill and Ted are in Ancient Greece]

Bill: [approaching Socrates] How's it going? I'm Bill, this is Ted. We're from the future.

Socrates: Socrates.

Ted: [whispering to Bill] Now what?

Bill: I dunno. Philosophize with him!

Ted: [clears his throat, to Socrates] "All we are is dust in the wind," dude.

[Socrates gives them a blank stare]

Bill: [scoops up a pile of dust from the basin before them and lets it run out of his hand] Dust.

[he blows the remainder away]

Bill: Wind.

Ted: [points at Socrates] Dude.

[Socrates gasps]

Bill: He's dead?

Mr. Ryan: So, Bill, what you're telling me, essentially, is that Napoleon was a short dead dude.

Bill: Well, yeah.

Ted: You totally blew it, dude.

Mr. Ryan: Ted, stand up.

Ted: Stand up?

Mr. Ryan: Yes, son. Stand up.

[Ted stands]

Mr. Ryan: Now, who was Joan of Arc?

Ted: ...Noah's wife?

[laughter, then bell]

[Bill thought Ted was killed]

Bill: Whoa! Ted! You're alive!

Ted: Yeah! I fell out of my suit when I hit the floor.

[they hug]

Bill, Ted: [to each other] Fag!

[after seeing the Princesses Joanna and Elizabeth]

Bill: Ted?

Ted: I'm in love, dude.

Bill: Whoa. Those must be the princesses you told yourself about at the Circle-K. We gotta go. It's a history report, not a babe report.

Ted: But, Bill, those are historical babes.

Bill: Okay, you're the ladies' man. How we gonna meet 'em?

Billy the Kid: Here's the deal. What I win, I keep. What you win, I keep.

Bill, Ted: Sounds good, Mr. The Kid!

One Of The Three Most Important People in the World: It's you!

Ted: Yeah! It's us!

[to Bill]

Ted: Who are we?

[the strangers start playing air guitar, so Bill and Ted play also; more people come out and join them]

Ted: Bill, I think they want us to say something.

Bill: What should I say?

Ted: [shrugs] Make something up.

Bill: Be excellent to each other.

[room murmurs appreciatively]

Ted: Party on, dudes!

[room approves]

Bill: [to Ted] Good one, dude.

[to room]

Bill: Well, we gotta get back to our report.

Ted: Yeah. We'd take you with us, but it's a history report, not a future report.

Bill: Later.

The Three Most Important People in the World: Later.

Billy the Kid: Not bad, eh, Socrates? Where are we, dude?

Bill: England, 15th century.

Ted: We are in most excellent shape for our report.

Bill: Yeah, all we need is one more speaker from medieval.

Billy the Kid: Excellent.

Bill: Billy, you are dealing with the oddity of time travel with the greatest of ease.

Bill, Ted: How's it goin' ladies?

Princess Elizabeth: You're the ones we saw in front of the castle.

Ted: I am Ted of San Dimas, and, uh, I bring to you a message of love.

Princess Elizabeth: [giggles] From who?

Ted: [thinking] From... from myself.

Princess Elizabeth: And what is this message you speak of?

Ted: Uh...

Bill: [whispers in ted's ear] Lyrics, dude, recite them some lyrics.

Ted: Oh, you beautiful babes from England, for whom we have traveled through time... will you go to the prom with us in San Dimas? We will have a most triumphant time!

[princesses giggle]

Bill: Way to go, dude!

[an early morning jam]

Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esquire!

Ted: And I'm Ted Theo-

[realizes *he's* holding the camera]

Ted: Hold on. Bill, here. You take it.

Bill: Okay.

Ted: And I'm Ted "Theodore" Logan!

[Bill puts the camera on the table]

Bill, Ted: And we're... WYLD STALLYNS!

Ted: [they are about to be executed in medieval times] Bill?

Bill: What?

Ted: I believe our adventure through time has taken a most serious turn.

Capt. Logan: I wanna speak with you, son.

[looks at Bill]

Capt. Logan: Alone, please, Bill.

[Bill goes outside]

Capt. Logan: All right, sit down! What am I gonna do with you, huh? You can't be...

Bill: [outside] Great.

Capt. Logan: You lose my keys, you fail history, you spend all your time with your loser friend planning a band that'll never happen. Now, you're not to leave this house again until tommorow morning.

[the phone rings]

Capt. Logan: Yes?

Bill: Captain Logan? This is Deputy Van Halen down at the station.

Capt. Logan: Deputy Van Halen?

[Ted sees Bill on the phone outside]

Bill: I'm new dude - sir. Look, we found your keys. If you want 'em, better come and get 'em.

[hangs up]

Capt. Logan: When I get back from the station, I want you packed and ready to go. Got it?

[Ted nods; Capt. Logan leaves]

Ted: [outside] We are in serious trouble. My dad already signed me up, my plane leaves tommorow night.

Bill: Only if we fail, dude.

[they look at the phone booth]

Bill, Ted: No way!

[Bill and Ted have just landed the booth in Bill's yard]

Ted: Uh, Ms. Preston. We'd like you to meet some of our... friends.

Bill: Yeah. This is Dave Beeth-Oven.

[Beethoven kisses Missy's hand. She laughs]

Bill: And, uh, Maxine of Arc, Missy. Herman the Kid.

Ted: Bob "Genghis" Khan. So-cratz Johnson. Dennis Frood. And, uh, uh... Abraham Lincoln.

Ted: Want a Twinkie, Genghis Khan? Say please! Mmmm...

Ted: [after Napoleon explains his new waterslide war strategy] I don't think it's gonna work.

Napoleon: Non?

[pause, then slams his pointer down on the map, scattering playing pieces everywhere]

Napoleon: Triomphe Napoleon!

[translated: Napoleon wins!]

Ted: [Ted stares down Missy's shirt as she leans forward, and then looks over and catches Bill staring as well] It's your *MOM* dude!

Bill, Ted: Excellent.

Ted: [walking down the street with Bill in the west] Hey, Bill. This is just like Frontierland!

Bill: Yeah, but you can get shot here, Ted.

Ted: Oh.

Bill: So just try to act natural.

Ted: Okay. Howdy, partner!

Old West Pedestrian: Howdy.

Bill: Watch out for the horse crap, Ted.

Ted: [sidestepping a big mound of horse excrement] Oh. Thanks, dude.

[seeing Missy as they arrive back in Bill's yard]

Billy the Kid: Whoa, who's the senorita? She's cute.

Ted: It's his mom, dude.

Bill: [Reading a note on a desk while sneaking around in the Police Station's administrative section] "Dear Bill and Ted, good luck on the report. Sincerely, Bill S. Preston, Esquire and Ted 'Theodore' Logan."

Ted: That was nice of us.

Bill: "P.S. Duck!"

Bill: [They do so and avoid being spotted by an officer worker passing by at that exact time]

[to Ted]

Bill: Excellent work, Dude!

Ted: [to Bill] Way to go!

[Bill and Ted have met themselves again]

Bill, Ted: Catch you later, Bill and Ted.

Bill: That conversation made more sense this time.

Ted: Dude, it's Sigmund Frood.

Bill: How much time we got left?

Ted: Tons. Why?

Bill: Extra credit, dude.

Ted: [to Freud] How's it goin', Frood-dude?

Capt. Logan: You pack your bags, Ted.

Ted: What?

Capt. Logan: You're going to military school, Ted.

Ted: But, Dad...

Capt. Logan: [interrupting] No, I don't wanna hear it, Ted.

Ted: But...

Capt. Logan: Ted! You go home and pack your bags now!

Ted: RUFUS.

Bill: Listen to this dude Rufus, he knows what he's talking about.

Bill: Who are you guys?

Future Ted: We're you, dude.

Ted: No way. No... way.

Future Ted: Yes way.

[in Ancient Greece]

Bill: Socrates. Hey, we know that name!

Ted: Yeah! Hey,

[hands Bill the book]

Ted: look him up. Oh, it's under So-cratz.

[upon meeting the "royal ugly dudes"]

Bill: I am the Earl of Preston.

Ted: And I am the Duke of Ted.

Bill: Okay, wait, if we were one of Europe's greatest leaders, and we were stranded in San Dimas for one day, where would we go?

Bill, Ted: [pause] Waterloo!

Ted: What are you doin' home, Dad?

Capt. Logan: I'm looking for my keys.

Ted: Oh!

Capt. Logan: You haven't done anything with them, have ya?

Ted: No, sir.

Capt. Logan: I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.

Ted: Me and Bill...

Capt. Logan: He also said that if fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't ya, Ted?

Ted: That I would have to go to Oates Military Acadamy, sir.

Capt. Logan: Uh-huh. I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted.

Captain Logan: [Captain Logan sees Bill and Ted pushing Billy the Kid out of the prison block window] Ted, what in the hell do you think you're doing?

Ted: Trash can... remember a trash can!

Captain Logan: Trash can? What are you talking about...

[a trash can with "Wyld Stallyans Rule" written on the side lands on Captain Logan's head]

Rufus: [meeting for the first time] Greetings, my excellent friends.

Ted: Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Rufus: Well, perhaps we can ask them.

[Bill and Ted see they are about go into a loop in the Circuits of Time]

Ted: What's that?

Bill: I don't know.

Ted, Bill: SHIT!

Ted: Excuse me. When did the Mongols rule China?

Lady at the Circle K: I don't know. I just work here.

Bill: If only we could go back to two days ago before your dad lost his keys, and steal them.

Ted: Well, why don't we?

Bill: Cuz we don't have time, dude.

Ted: We could do it after the report.

Bill: Oh, yeah! Where should we put 'em?

Ted: How 'bout behind this sign?

Bill: OK... Whoa! It worked!

Ted: Right, so when we're done with the report, we have to remember to do this or else it won't happen... but it did happen! Wow, it *was* me who stole my dad's keys!

Ted: Okay, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

Bill: It's not just a water sport, I knew it!

Once-ler: It's a girl, isn't it?

Ted: What? No!

Once-ler: Really. Because when a guy does something stupid once, well, that's because he's guy. But he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl.

Once-ler: Why are you so interested in trees, anyway? Why aren't you like other kids? Breakdancing and wearing bellbottoms and playing the Donkey Kongs?

Ted: [laughs] Yeah. Right, right. I don't know. Uh, I just thought it might be kinda cool to have one.

Once-ler: [knowingly] Uh-huh. It's a girl, isn't it?

Ted: [scoffs] What? No!

Once-ler: Really? Because when a guy does something stupid once, well that's because he's a guy. But if he does the same stupid thing twice, that's usually to impress some girl.

Ted: Hey, she is not just some girl! She's a woman. In high school. And she loves trees. And I'm gonna get her one.

Once-ler: Awww. How nice to see someone so undeterred by things like reality.

Ted: Thank you.

Audrey: [to Ted] I could just kiss you right now!

[Ted and Audrey lean in to kiss, only to be stopped by Ted's mother]

Ted's Mom: We don't have time for that!

Ted: I dunno, we have a little time.

Ted: The last seed?

Once-ler: It's not about what it is. It's about what it can become. Just like... you're not just a boy.

Ted's Mom: Why do you need a tree? It just... sticks out of the ground and it does what? I don't even know what it does. Look! We've GOT a tree! It's the Oak-a-matic! Three modes! Summer, Fall, Winter, and... Disco!

[starts dancing]

Ted's Mom: Come on, honey, dance with the tree.

Ted: Oh, it hurts, mom. Please stop.

Once-ler: It all started a long time ago.

Ted: Can we start not so long ago, maybe?

Once-ler: Do you want a tree?

Ted: Yes, yes.

Once-ler: Then it all started a long, long time ago.

Once-ler: You wanna know about trees? About what happened to them? They're gone.

[sadly]

Once-ler: It's because of me.

Ted: Huh?

[a Whisper-ma-Phone chutes down to Ted. Ted leans in to hear]

Once-ler: [shouts] IT'S BECAUSE OF ME!

Once-ler: Unless someone like you cares an awful lot, things aren't going to get better. They're not.

Ted: You do know that you are talking in rhyme, don't you?

Ted: [trying to start the boat] Damn boat. I flooded the damn boat.

Joe the Pawnshop Owner: Hola.

Ted: I no fuck around, comprende? Gun, gun, loaded. Bang, bang. You dead.

Joe the Pawnshop Owner: Do you have a speech impediment?

Jerry: Yeah..."you're just doing your job..."

Ted: Hey, I do what I have to do, okay?

Jerry: Would you listen to yourself? You sound like Schultz from Hogan's Heroes!

[Imitating]

Jerry: "I know nothing! Nothing!"

Ted: I can't believe Missy divorced your Dad, and married mine.

Bill: Shut up, Ted.

[Evil Bill & Ted are holding the real Bill & Ted over a cliff]

Bill: Ted, we gotta do something!

Ted: Dudes, even though you're doing this, we... we...

Bill: We love you!

Ted: We love you!

Evil Bill, Evil Ted: Fags!

Colonel Oats: Get down and give me... infinity.

[they drop to the floor and start doing push-ups, with difficulty. Oats walks in a circle around them while giving them a continuous tirade of abuse]

Colonel Oats: You stupid, pathetic, craven little cretins...

Bill: Dude, there's no way I can possibly do infinity push-ups!

Ted: Maybe if he lets us do them girly-style?

Colonel Oats: ...jokers! You petty, base, bully-bullocked bugger billies. You're not strong! You're silky boys! Silk comes from the butts of Chinese worms...

Bill: Dude, we gotta get outta here.

Colonel Oats: I'll eat you up like the warm, toasty little buttercakes you are...

[Bill and Ted jump up and run away]

Colonel Oats: GET BACK HERE!

Bill: Dude!

Ted: What?

Bill: Hell sucks!

Ted: Definitely!

[Bill and Ted fall into an abyss toward hell]

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAHHHH!

[they run out of breath, then pause and look around, still falling, not sure what to do]

Bill: AAAH...!

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Bill: Dude, this is a totally deep hole.

Ted: Yeah... now what?

Bill: I don't know.

[pause]

Bill: AAAH...!

Bill, Ted: AAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Ted: You are a most excellent scientist, Station.

Bill: Yeah! Plus, you got an excellently huge Martian butt!

Big Station: Station!

Ted: Dude, how are we gonna get out of this? We don't got any time!

Bill: Yeah we do, dude. Look, after we get away from this guy, we use the booth. We time travel back to before the concert and set up the things we need to get him now.

Bill, Ted: Catch you later, God!

Ms. Wardroe: Now, if you were me, would you put you guys on?

Bill, Ted: [in unison] No way.

Ted: Now where are we?

[they hear footsteps]

Bill: Who's that?

[a man in an army uniform is marching towards them]

Ted, Bill: It's Colonel Oats! No way!

Colonel Oats: GENTLEMEN!

[he walks right up to Ted, standing nose-to-nose]

Colonel Oats: Welcome to hell.

Ted: Okay, his name is...

[sees George Washington statue]

Ted: Washington! His name's Washington.

Kid 3: That's a dumb name!

Ted: Okay, then call him George! Are you happy?

Cab Driver: Where you headed, Yellow?

Ted: Bloomsberry Museum, and I'll give you an extra ten if you don't call me "yellow", Okay?

Cab Driver: Sure thing, Sunshine.

Amelia: [on phone] Hey, honey. How's Alaska?

Ted: Oh, just great. Everything's white. Including my father!

Thunder Jack: I can't believe you actually bit that dog on the ear.

Ted: But that's what everyone says you're supposed to do.

Thunder Jack: Well, sure, but... I never met a man dumb enough to do it!

[Barb describes the dog food]

Barb: Mostly the stuff the butcher can't sell. Hooves, lips, organs... slump.

Ted: In Miami, we call them hot dogs.

Ernie: Demon's got it in his head that he's the alpha dog. You've gotta show him who's boss! Bite him on the ear!

Ted: I am not putting any part of that dog in my mouth!

Barb: Why don't you try biting him on the ear?

Ted: What is it with you people?

Ernie: I'm the only man to win the Arctic Flame three years in a row.

Ted: Congratulations.

Ernie: But it is kind of an odd prize. Goes to the musher who finishes last.

Ted: In Miami three-times losers go to prison.

Thunder Jack: The dogs, where are they?

Ted: They're eating the house.

Ted: If you're ever in Miami, look me up. My number's on all the buses.

[Facing a wild bear]

Ted: Y'know, I'm a big bear fan! Sure. Uh, my man - Smokey the Bear. Yogi. Walter Payton!

Ted: Mom, I love that you're involved in my practice but you can't be giving out sugar cookies at a dental office.

Amelia: Your father always believed in the personal touch.

Ted: Never underestimate Theodore Brooks DDS!

Ted: [jiggling his cell phone, which has no signal] Papa needs a new pair of bars.

Ted: This is the court of Ted!

Ted: Ok, that was a mistake, bitch!

Ted: A fucking good poem is a weapon. It's... and not like a "pop", it's a bomb. A bloody big bomb!

Sylvia: That's why they make children learn them in school. They don't want them messing about with them on their own. I mean, just imagine if a sonnet went off accidentally. Boom.

Ted: I'm sorry...

Sylvia: What for?

Ted: I don't know yet...

[about the cows on the river bank]

Sylvia: How do you think they prefer Milton or Chaucer?

Ted: Chaucer obviously!

Ted: This is so awkward. I really want you to leave, but I don't know how to say it without sounding like a dick.

Ted: I wouldn't want to make you explain what our relationship is to all those people. That would suck for you.

[first lines]

Annie: [having sex] I'm glad you called.

Ted: I'm so glad you were free.

Annie: I love your eyes.

Ted: Cup my balls.

Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing, the 8-Minute Abs?

Ted: Yeah, sure, 8-Minute Abs. Yeah, the excercise video.

Hitchhiker: Yeah, this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this: 7... Minute... Abs.

Ted: Right. Yes. OK, all right. I see where you're going.

Hitchhiker: Think about it. You walk into a video store, you see 8-Minute Abs sittin' there, there's 7-Minute Abs right beside it. Which one are you gonna pick, man?

Ted: I would go for the 7.

Hitchhiker: Bingo, man, bingo. 7-Minute Abs. And we guarantee just as good a workout as the 8-minute folk.

Ted: You guarantee it? That's - how do you do that?

Hitchhiker: If you're not happy with the first 7 minutes, we're gonna send you the extra minute free. You see? That's it. That's our motto. That's where we're comin' from. That's from "A" to "B".

Ted: That's right. That's - that's good. That's good. Unless, of course, somebody comes up with 6-Minute Abs. Then you're in trouble, huh?

[Hitchhiker convulses]

Hitchhiker: No! No, no, not 6! I said 7. Nobody's comin' up with 6. Who works out in 6 minutes? You won't even get your heart goin, not even a mouse on a wheel.

Ted: That - good point.

Hitchhiker: 7's the key number here. Think about it. 7-Elevens. 7 dwarves. 7, man, that's the number. 7 chipmunks twirlin' on a branch, eatin' lots of sunflowers on my uncle's ranch. You know that old children's tale from the sea. It's like you're dreamin' about Gorgonzola cheese when it's clearly Brie time, baby. Step into my office.

Ted: Why?

Hitchhiker: 'Cause you're fuckin' fired!

[at the police station]

Ted: Look, I didn't solicit any sex, OK? This is a huge misunderstanding. I was really going out to pee, I was walking to the bushes, I tripped over this guy - and suddenly all those cops and their helicopters...

Detective Stabler: Ted, Ted, it's OK, we believe you. The problem is we found your friend in the car.

[Detective Stabler refers to the dead body found in Ted's car, which unbeknown to Ted was left by the hitchhiker. Ted has no idea about the body. He thinks the police is going to charge him with giving a ride to hitchhiker, as the hitchhiker told him it was a felony in that state]

Ted: [smiles] Oh, the hitchhiker? That's what this is about, the hitchhiker? Oh, oh, great. This is my luck - I get caught for everything.

Detective Krevoy: [pats strongly on Ted's shoulder] So... you admit it?

Ted: Ah, yeah, guilty as charged. Look, I know you guys got a job to do, alright? And I'm really sorry. I did it, I admit it. You know, the guy even told me, the hitchhiker told me it was illegal.

Detective Krevoy: Well, uh, can you tell us his name?

Ted: Ah... no, I didn't catch it. Can we cut to the chase, I mean, am I like in a lot of trouble here?

Detective Stabler: [nods] First tell us why you did it.

Ted: Why I did it? Ah... I don't know. Boredom? The guy turned to be a blubber mouth who just would not shut up.

Detective Krevoy: [trying to control himself] Ted, this wasn't your first time, was it?

Ted: No.

Detective Krevoy: How many are we talking here?

Ted: [confused] Hitchhikers? My whole life? Ah... I don't know - twenty-five, fifty... I mean, who keeps track? Hey, you know, I know this is the Bible Belt and everything, but where I come from this is not that big deal, I mean...

Detective Krevoy: You son of a bitch! You're gonna fry!

[exploding in rage due to Ted's seemingly indifference to murder, detective Krevoy roars, grabs Ted by his shirt and repeatedly slams his head against the desk. Ted yells in pain]

Detective Stabler: Take it easy! Calm down!

[Stabler manages to separate between Krevoy and Ted. Ted falls backward on the floor]

Detective Stabler: [to Krevoy] Are you OK?

Ted: [to Krevoy] What the hell is wrong with you?

Ted: Japan? What's she doing in Japan?

Pat Healy: Well, you've heard of mail-order brides? Well, they go that way too.

Ted: What, are they desperate? She's a whale!

Pat Healy: You can't forget, it's a sumo culture, Ted. They pay by the pound over there. Sorta like, um, tuna.

[after Mary addresses Ted by name]

Ted: I couldn't believe that she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn't know my name.

Ted: Do you think maybe you wanna maybe, I don't know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?

Mary: Didn't we just do that?

Ted: Oh, uh...

Mary: I'm fucking with you, Ted!

Ted: [referring to the zipper incident] I never told you that.

Dom: Well Christ, Ted, I was only four towns away.

[When Ted gets his genitals stuck in the zippers]

Charlie Jensen: Is it the frank or the beans?

Ted: I don't know, both I guess.

Warren: [from outside] Franks and Beans! Franks and Beans!

[after Mary asks Ted to the prom]

Ted: [narrating] From that point on, the guys looked at me in a completely different light.

High School Pal Bob: You're a fuckin' liar!

Mary: Did you mean what you said up there?

Ted: Well ya I just want you to be happy Mary.

Mary: But I'd be happiest with you.

Ted: What about Bret Fahvera...?

Mary: What did I tell you the first time we met? I'm a Niners fan!

Ted: So you're moving down to Miami?

Pat Healy: I accepted a job offer.

Ted: With who?

Pat Healy: With... uh... Rice-a-Roni.

Ted: Isn't that the San Francisco treat?

Pat Healy: It *was*. They're changing their image.

Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date, don't you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God, he doesn't flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That's like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that's why you're nervous. Oh my dear friend, please sit, please. Look, um, after you've had sex with a girl, and you're lying in bed with her, are you nervous? No, you're not, why?

Ted: Cause I'm tired...

Dom: Wrong! It's 'cause you ain't got the baby batter on the brain anymore! Jesus, that stuff will fuck you're head up! Look, the most honest moment in a man's life are the few minutes after he's blown his load - now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you're no longer trying to get laid, you're actually... you're thinking like a girl, and girls love that.

Ted: What about Brett Fav... ruh?

Ted: I think I still want to look her up.

Pat Healy: Who, rollerpig? Are you nuts?

Ted: You said she was a real sparkplug.

Pat Healy: No, I said buttplug. She's heinous.

[while Mary's suitors are quarreling, Brett Favre comes into the room, giving Warren a piggyback ride]

Brett Favre: Hi, Mary!

Mary: [astonished] Brett?

Pat Healy: What the hell is Brett Favre doing here?

Brett Favre: I'm in town to play the Dolphins, you dumb-ass.

Ted: Yeah, I called him, Mary. I told him to pick up Warren and get down here. See, your friend Tucker was lying about a couple of other things.

[Norm, Dom and Pat ease over to the window, apparently afraid of Brett Favre]

Ted: Brett never said those bad things about Warren. He loves Warren. And from what he told me on the phone just now, he loves you, too. He's the guy you should be with.

Mary: Hey, you want to go upstairs and watch SportsCenter?

Ted: No, I think I'm just going to quit while I'm ahead.

Mary: You're not that far ahead, Ted.

Ted: He never even looked her up down there! He was down there closing his deal with the Rice-a-Roni people the whole time!

Ted: I had my window?

[first lines]

Ted: [voice over] When I was 16 years old, I fell in love.

Ted: I say they should put more meats on a stick, you know? They got a lot of sweets on sticks-popsicles, fudgesicles, lollipops - but hardly any meat.

Mary: I agree there should be more.

Ted: You know what I'd like to see? Meat in a cone. You could put corned beef hash in a cone, or chopped liver.

[Ted has just learned that Dom was Mary's high school boyfriend, for a short time, but now Dom wants to get Mary back for himself]

Ted: But you're married! You have a wife, beautiful kids!

Dom: [rolls his eyes up to the ceiling] Ted, if you love them so much, please, be my guest!

Pat Healy: What, you think yer shit don't stink?

Ted: No, I don't think, I mean, yes it does, no I don't...

Alf: Here! Who's there?

Ted: That's not Winston!

Alf: Look! There!

Joseph: Mary, mother of God!

Ted: [while being carried inside a bag] Oh, I hear the fat kid running! I bet it's hilarious!

Ted: Oh look Johnny, if we're ever gonna get serious about openin' a restaurant we gotta start plannin' it now.

John: Italian.

Ted: Italian, yes.

John: What's the special on Tuesdays?

Ted: Eggplant parm.

John: Chopped salad half price.

Ted: And it's a non-restricted place.

John: Yeah. Wait, whaddaya mean?

Ted: Anybody can come.

John: Of course.

Ted: Jews are welcome.

John: Well yeah, I mean why wouldn't they be?

Ted: Exactly, that's what I'm saying.

John: Yeah, but why even bring that up?

Ted: You don't bring it up. You just let 'em in.

John: So why mention it?

Ted: No one will.

John: So why are we talking about it?

Ted: You're talkin' about it, I'm just sayin' let 'em in.

John: Yeah, let 'em in.

Ted: Exactly.

John: Right.

Ted: Good.

John: Okay.

Ted: No Mexicans, though.

John: Ted!

Ted: I'm alive, Johnny!

John: Oh, my God!

Ted: I'm alive. Your magical wish worked!

John: You're back!

Ted: Yeah, I mean, when you sewed me up you put some of the stuffing in the wrong places, so I'm a little fucked up. But will you take care of me forever and ever?

[starts laughing]

Ted: I'm just kidding you. I thought it would be funny if you thought I was fucking retarded.

John: You asshole!

Ted: Come here, you bastard. Ha-ha! Ah!

Lori: Welcome back, Ted.

John: It was you. You did it.

Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back.

Lori: No, no, no. I wished for my life back.

[from trailer]

[thunder is heard outside]

Lori: I don't - I don't understand. I really don't. You're 35 years old and you're still scared of a little thunder?

John: I am not!

[Ted comes running into the bed]

Ted: Thunder buddies for life, right, Johnny?

John: Fucking right.

Ted: Alright, come on, let's sing the thunder song.

John: Alright.

John, Ted: [singing] When you hear the sound of thunder, / Don't you get too scared. / Just grab your thunder buddy / And say these magic words: / "Fuck you, thunder! / You can suck my dick! / You can't get me thunder / 'Cause you're just God's farts!"

[blow raspberries]

Ted: [Ted and Tami-Lynn grunting and moaning] Stick your finger in the loop of my tag!

Frank: You had sexual intercourse with a co-worker on top of the produce that we sell to the public.

Ted: I fucked her with a parsnip last week. And a sold the parsnip to a family with four small children.

Frank: That took guts. We need guts. I'm promoting you.

Ted: You got a lot of problems, don't ya?

John: We have been dating for four years tomorrow.

Ted: Fuck me! Nice!

John: Let me ask you something. You don't think she's gonna be expecting something big, do you?

Ted: What? Like anal?

[from trailer]

Ted: I met a girl; she's a cashier.

John: No way! That's awesome! We should fuckin' double date or something, you, me and Lori and w-what's her name?

Ted: White trash name. Guess.

John: Mandy.

Ted: Nope.

John: Marilyn.

Ted: Nope.

John: Brittany?

Ted: Nope.

John: Tiffany.

Ted: Nope.

John: Candace.

Ted: Nope.

John: Don't fuck with me on this! I know this shit!

Ted: Do you see me fuckin' with you? I'm completely serious.

John: Alright, speed round. I'm gonna rattle off some names, and when I hit it, you fuckin' buzz it, okay? You got me?

Ted: You do it. I will tell you. Yeah.

John: Alright: Brandy, Heather, Channing, Brianna, Amber, Serena, Melody, Dakota, Sierra, Bambi, Crystal, Samantha, Autumn, Ruby, Taylor, Tara, Tammy, Lauren, Charlene, Chantelle, Courtney, Misty, Jenny, Krista, Mindy, Noel, Shelby, Trina, Reba, Cassandra, Nikki, Kelsey, Shawna, Jolene, Urleen, Claudia, Savannah, Casey, Dolly, Kendra, Kylie, Chloe, Devon, Emmalou, fuckin' *Becky*?

Ted: No.

John: Wait; was it any of those names with a "Lynn" after it?

Ted: *Yes*.

John: Oh, I got you, motherfucker! I got you!

[Ted laughs]

John: Okay. Brandi-Lynn, Heather-Lynn...

Ted: Tami-Lynn.

John: [Exasperated] *Fuck*!

Lori: [Enters apartment and sees Ted and four hookers on the couch watching TV] Oh...

Ted: Lori, hey, you're home early.

Lori: What the hell is this?

Ted: The ladies and I were just watching Jack and Jill, where Adam Sandler plays a guy and his sister, and it's, it's just awful. It's unwatchable, but y'know, they're hookers. So it's fine.

Lori: This place is a wreck! Who are these girls?

Ted: Oh, where are my manners? Lori, this is Angelique, Heavenly, Charene, and Sauvignon Blanc. I love you girls. Y'know, somewhere out there are four terrible fathers I wish I could thank for this great night!

Lori: [Looks down on floor] What is that?

Ted: Wha- what is what?

Lori: There's a... a shit on my floor! In the corner, there is a shit!

Ted: Oh, yeah, Yeah, we were playing Truth or Dare, and, uh, Charene was pretty ballsy.

Lori: There is a shit on my floor!

Ted: Well, or, or, is the floor on the shit? Is what Kierkegaard would say.

John: [John pokes a lobster head from out the door] Rawr!

Ted: Hahaha!

John: Who lives here? I'm comin' to get who lives here! You owe me lobster money!

Ted: Ahahaha! That's my buddy Johnny. Not the lobster, the guy runnin' it.

John: [Enters the apartment] I found my phone. What's going on.

[John suddenly looks down on the floor]

John: Is that a shit?

[Lori looks at John]

Ted: Oh hey listen, try this, I told my weed guy to step it up and he gave me that.

[Ted passes a bong to John]

Ted: .

John: What is this?

Ted: It's called "Mind Rape", it's actually pretty mellow.

John: It doesn't sound very mellow.

Ted: Well he only had three other batches: "Gorilla Panic", "They're coming! They're coming!" and something called "This Is Permanent"... Go on, spark it up!

Frank: You think you got what it takes?

Ted: I'll tell you what I got. Your wife's pussy on my breath.

Frank: Nobody's ever spoken to me like that before.

Ted: That's because their mouths were full of your wife's box.

Frank: You're hired.

Ted: Shit.

Ted: [to fat kid] Back off, Susan Boyle!

John: [Imitating Ted] Hey Johnny, I just had a great idea. Let's go get drunk and puke on cars on the overpass.

Ted: Oh, come on! I do not sound that much like Peter Griffin!

Ted: There. Proof. Garfield's eye look like a pair of tits.

Ted: All right, kid, you win. We'll do it your way. What do you want to do? You want to play a game? It's playtime, right? We'll play a game.

Robert: Yeah, I want to play a game.

Ted: Good, good. Uh, all right. Let's see. How about... How about we play a little game of hide and seek?

Robert: I love hide and seek. I'll hide.

Ted: Wait now, hang on a sec, there. Your dad likes you to show good manners. Right, Tubby McFat-Fuck?

Robert: Okay, you hide first.

Ted: Great. Fantastic. Okay, now you count to a hundred, and then you try to find me, okay?

Robert: Okay. Uh, do I need to wash my hands before I play this game?

Ted: No. That's a weird fucking question. No, just start counting.

[Norah Jones is in her dressing room preparing a drink when Ted and John arrive]

Ted: Hey, play 'Chopsticks', you jazzy slut!

Norah Jones: Teddy!

Ted: Hahaha! How are you?

Norah Jones: [Hugs Ted] How are you, you fuzzy asshole?

Ted: Well, you know I'm not a hot half-Muslim chick who sold over 37 million records, but I'm hanging in there.

Norah Jones: Well, half-Indian, but... thanks.

Ted: Hey, whatever. Thanks for 9/11. Hey listen - I want you to meet a good pal of mine, all right? John Bennett, Norah Jones.

John: [Approaches Norah to shake her hand] Hi, hi, Norah Jones.

Norah Jones: Hey. Hey there, sweaty.

[wipes hand on her dress]

Norah Jones: Um, you ready to bring down the house?

John: Yes, ma'am. Yeah, thank you for the opportunity. Miss... Ma'am Jones, I... thank you.

Ted: Jesus, you look fantastic.

Norah Jones: Well, you're probably not used to seeing me fully clothed.

Ted: [laughs] Yeah, I know, right? You mean... me and Norah met in 2002 at a party at Belinda Carlisle's house. And we had awkward fuzzy sex in the coat room.

Norah Jones: Actually, you weren't so bad for a guy with no penis.

Ted: Yeah, you know, I've written so many angry letters to Hasbro about that.

[from trailer]

Ted: [dressed in a suit and tie] I look stupid.

John: No, you don't, you look dapper.

Ted: John, I look like something you give to your kid when you tell 'em Grandma died.

Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the '80s.

Ted: Show us how, Flash.

Sam J. Jones: It's easy. We just gotta nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Ted: Oh Johnny, I got so much energy. We gotta start doing stupid shit.

[Ted drives John's car out of the car rental lot, nearly hitting another car in front of him]

Driver: Asshole!

Ted: That's my bad, I was sending a Tweet.

John: I think back to that Christmas morning and I wish I'd just gotten a Teddy Ruxpin.

Ted: Say that again.

John: Teddy Rux-fuckin'-pin

Ted: Company's turning 20, huh? So you can bang it but you can't get it drunk.

Lori: There's a shit on the floor!

Ted: Or, or, or, maybe the floor is on the shit.

Ted: I look like Snuggles' accountant

Ted: [to Tami-Lynn] You have a baby? Is it alive?

John: I don't know that you wanna go to a drug dealer with complaints.

Ted: No. I know this guy a long time. I've known him since 9-11. You remember? I was, like, "Oh, shit, 9-11, I gotta get high."

Ted: [after a TV falls on John] Why are you crying?

John: My dick was squished by the TV.

Ted: Lori was right about you: you *cannot* take responsibility for anything that goes on in your life.

John: Oh, and *you* can?

Ted: I don't *have* to! I'm a fucking *teddy bear*! Y'know somethin'? I didn't tie you up and *drag* you to that party, alright? I *wanted* you to come, because you're *supposedly* my best friend!

John: You can't stand there and tell me havin' been with Lori has always been a threat to our friendship! I mean, it always works out so much better for *you* when we're sittin' around gettin' *fucked* up on the couch till nine am, doesn't it?

Ted: [Scoffs] Listen to yourself. What am I, Emperor Ming here controllin' your mind? That's *your* choice, John! And by blamin' me, you're just makin' yourself look like a pussy.

[Donny is pursuing Ted up the tower of Fenway Park, trying to grab him]

Donny: You're mine now, Ted.

Ted: Screw you, pal. I belong to John Bennett.

Donny: I can give you love and rocking horses and dancing.

Ted: I think we're very far apart on this.

Lori: So, Tami-Lynn, why don't you... tell us a little bit about yourself, like where you're from? I'm always fascinated to meet Ted's girlfriends.

Tami-Lynn: What do you mean, 'girlfriends'?

[Looking at Ted]

Tami-Lynn: What's it like a lot of 'em or somethin'?

Ted: N-no, that's not what she meant at all. Right, Lori? You didn't mean that.

Lori: No, what I meant to say was Ted's very handsome, so I'm always interested in meeting the ladies that can snatch him up.

Tami-Lynn: Did you just call me a whore?

Lori: What?

Tami-Lynn: You just worry about your own snatch. How about that, honey?

Ted, John: Whoa!

John: What the hell happened? We're having a friendly meal.

Ted: Yeah, this was a nice evening.

Tami-Lynn: Don't talk shit to me.

Lori: I just asked you a question.

Tami-Lynn: You know, you're a frickin' snob. You think you're all cool, 'cause you work at some fuckin' fancy shit place? Whatever.

Ted: Take it easy.

[Looks at Lori]

Ted: Nice, Lori. Real nice.

Lori: Me? It's not my fault she can't speak English.

Tami-Lynn: [Gets up] Oh fuck you! Just 'cause you're on the business world and shit, you think what, everybody should suck your asshole or somethin'?

Ted: [Grabs Tami-Lynn's hand to calm her down] Okay, all right. Tami-Lynn, come on, honey. Let's get out of here. We'll go back to my place for a couple of Vodka and Strawberry Quiks, all right? Come on.

Tami-Lynn: You know what? I gave birth once, bitch! I can kick your fuckin' ass! And you better never should you show your face around Quincy, you hear me? Ever!

Ted: Okay, okay, come on. Come on.

[Ted and Tami-Lynn walk out of the restaurant]

Ted: I didn't know you had a baby. Is it alive?

[Norah Jones returns to the stage after an intermission]

Norah Jones: Thank you. So I'm gonna give my chops a rest and bring a friend up to the stage. He's gonna sing a song to a special lady in the audience who he loves very much. Please, give a big hand... to John Bennett!

[John enters the stage and waves at the crowd]

Lori: Oh... my God.

Rex: Holy... shit.

[John attempts to shake Norah's hand, but she smacks his bottom on her way toward the piano. John approaches the microphone]

Ted: I gotta fuck her again.

John: Um, hiya. My name is John Bennett, and this is for Lori Collins, 'cause I love you. You know, this song reminds me of the most important night in my life... the night we met. Uh, this is the theme song from the movie Octopussy.

[Norah plays the saxophone and piano to start the song]

John: [singing off-key] All I wanted was a sweet distraction for an hour or two / Had no intention to do the things we've done...

Ted: Still better than Katy Perry.

John: [singing off-key] Funny how it always goes with love, when you don't look, you find / But then we're two of a kind /

[raises voice]

John: We move as one / We're an all-time high...

Rex: You suck! Get off the stage - Oh, c'mon, give him a chance!

[Crowd boos John as he continues to sing]

Angry fan: You're an asshole!

[Angry fan jumps off the guard rail and runs toward John, but John knocks him out with the microphone stand, sending him crashing off the stage]

Norah Jones: Oh Jesus!

[Security escorts John off the stage as other personnel surround the injured fan]

Ted: Look, all I'm saying is that Boston women are, on the whole, a paler, uglier sort than women from the elsewheres of life.

John: That's bullshit. What about Lori? She's hot.

Ted: No, Lori's from Pennsylvania. That's not a Boston girl.

John: They're not that bad.

Ted: See, the fact that you have to say "they're not that bad" means that they are that bad. Did you ever hear a Boston girl have an orgasm?

[in exaggerated Bostonian]

Ted: "Oh, yah! Oh, yah! Hahder! Hahder! Oh, god, that was so good. Now I'm going to stuff my fucking face with Pepperidge Farm."

Donny: I have to say, I've been following you ever since I was a young boy and, uh... I remember seeing you on the Carson Show and... you were just wonderful.

Ted: Oh, yeah that was uh... that was weird ineterview: Ed thought I was ALF and he kept muttering anti semitic comments... he thought ALF was Jewish for some reason...

Donny: Hey-hey um... Have you ever considered selling the bear?

John: What?

Ted: Excuse me?

Robert: I want it.

Ted: [defensively] Hey, I'm not an it, pal! I'm a he, alright?

John: [Stammers and stands up; he speaks in a calm tone] I'm sorry little guy, but my bear isn't for sale. See, I've had him since I was about your age. He's very, very special to me.

Robert: Stand up straight when you're talking to me!

John: [Dumbfounded] Why the fuck would he say that?

Ted: [sigh] Look, John... loves you very much. More than anything in the world, and he's... fallin' to fuckin' pieces without ya. Y'know, he knows he screwed up huge, but, you gotta believe me: it wasn't all his fault... Alright? I told him to bale on you, that night at Rex's. And he said, "No."... He said, "No." He was gonna stay there with you, and I twisted his arm, Lori... I promise, I will leave and I will never come back. Alright? He'll be all yours.

Lori: Ted, that's a really nice offer, but I don't want you to do that... This is between John and me, and... I don't think it can be fixed...

Ted: Yeah, because o' me! Look, look, Lori, you want him to be a man... Alright? But, as long as he's got his teddy bear... he's always gonna be a boy... He's waitin' down at Charlie's right now. So, if you go down there, and just talk to him... I'll be gone when you get back... forever. And... you'll see... He'll never be scared of thunder again.

Ted: You can sing any 90's song with just vowels.

Ted: Hey Lori, can you turn the alarm to 11 AM? I've got a lot of stuff to do tomorrow.

[John gets a phone call from Ted]

John: Excuse me.

[Walks out of the bar as he answers his phone]

John: Hey, Ted.

Ted: Johnny, where are you? You gotta get over here, man!

John: Why? What's going on?

Ted: Okay, so I'm having a little impromptu thing with some people at my apartment, and John, Sam Jones is here.

John: What?

Ted: Sam Jones, Flash Fucking Gordon is here.

John: Holy shit! What?

Ted: You remember I said my buddy's cousin is friends with Sam Jones? My buddy's in town with his cousin. And who do you think is with him? Sam Jones. Sam Jones is here. And John, his hair is parted down the middle.

John: Just like in the movie.

Ted: Yes. Get over here, right now.

John: [Whispers] Fuck, I can't! I'm with Lori here. I'm already on probation. I just... I can't.

Ted: John, Flash Gordon was the most important figure of our formative years. He taught us right from wrong, good from evil. And that the word 'acting' apparently has an extremely broad definition. Flash Gordon is the symbol of our friendship, John. Come share this with me.

John: [Breathing heavily] I'm coming.

[John runs back to the bar]

John: Rex, I gotta go. Look, I'll be back in like 30 minutes, tops, okay? But Lori cannot find out. She absolutely cannot know I was gone. If you can cover for me, I'm cool with all that other shit.

Rex: I got your back on this. She won't know. I've been there.

John: Alright, this is one man to another. I don't really know you, but I'm trusting you as a man. This is serious.

Rex: Dude, one man to another, I got you on this.

John: Thank you. I'll be back.

[John runs out to Lori's car]

Rex: I'm gonna have sex with your girlfriend.

[Sam pours tequila shots and hands them to John and Ted]

John: Thanks, Flash.

Sam J. Jones: There you go, my friend.

Ted: Thank you.

Sam J. Jones: [Offering a toast] Death to Ming!

John: Haha!

Ted: Yes!

[the trio down their shots]

Sam J. Jones: Oh, you guys seem pretty cool. You like to party?

[Rubs nose]

Sam J. Jones: [Blank stare at John and Ted's faces before they look at each other]

Ted: Uh, cocaine, right?

Sam J. Jones: Come on, dudes! Don't tell me you've never done it before.

John: Well, uh, well not recently, no.

Ted: I thought that was just for people in Florida.

Sam J. Jones: You better follow me. Come on.

[Sam walks away]

Ted: Johnny, I'm frightened.

Ted: [Finishing ringing up a customer at his check-out line] There we go. Thank you very much. Please come again. We have a lot more groceries.

[Ted turns around and sits down. He notices Tami-Lynn on the other end of the check-out counter]

Ted: Hey, uh, hey Ellen.

Ellen: Yeah?

Ted: Who's that over there?

Ellen: [Turns around to see Tami-Lynn before turning back to Ted] Oh, that's the new check-out girl. Don't know her name, seems cute.

Ted: Yeah, very cute. Do you know what I'd like to do to her? Something I call a Dirty Fozzie.

[Ted gets up on his counter and waves at Tami-Lynn, who smiles and waves back at him. They blow kisses at each other. He dry-humps the credit card machine, making her giggle. He then simulates oral sex with a Snickers bar, making her laugh further. Ted then squirts bottles of lotion on his face to simulate bukkake, causing her to stare blankly at him]

Ted: Okay, all right, so that's where we'll draw the line.

Donny: You know Ted, when I was a little boy, I saw you on television. And I thought you were the most amazing, most wonderful thing I'd ever seen, ever. And I asked my dad if I could have a magically little teddy bear, too. And he said, "No."

Ted: Can you just email me the rest of this story?

Donny: And I was so heartbroken. And I promised myself that if I ever had a son, I would never, ever, ever say no to him. Ever.

Ted: Maybe "no" to a Snickers bar every once in a while wouldn't hurt.

Sam J. Jones: We are gonna party like the 80s.

Ted: Show us how, Flash!

Sam J. Jones: Easy. We just gonna nail a lot of girls named Stephanie.

Lori: Welcome back Ted!

John: It was you!

Ted: Son of a bitch! You wished for my life back!

Lori: No! I wished for my life back.

Ted: [upon seeing all the pictures of himself at Donny and Robert's house] Yeah, it's kind of funny actually. I've got a lot of pictures of you guys at my house.

Ted: Down here. Not looking up your towel. Swear to God. Not looking up your towel. Not looking at your funny business.

Lori: Ted, what are you doing here?

Robert: Me and Ted are going to be best friends, Daddy.

Donny: Yes, you are, my little chipmunk. Happy playtime.

Ted: Jesus fucking Christ!

Robert: I said a bad word one time. Daddy punished me for it.

Ted: That's a great story. I felt like I was there.

Robert: Daddy gave me an ouch. Now, I have to give you an ouch.

[tears Ted's ear off ]

Ted: Listen. You got to let me help you make things right with you and Lori.

John: There's no putting things right. She fucking hates me.

Ted: No, John. We can... We can get her back. Look, you remember when you were 10, and you hit that squirrel with your BB gun? And then when we saw it fall from the tree, we both started crying, you remember? And then we ran up to it and we tried to give it CPR, and it came back to life. John, we could do that again.

John: Ted, we crushed its ribcage and blew out its lungs trying to give it CPR. It died.

Ted: You know, you're acting like a cock, you know that?

John: What, I'm acting like a cock?

Ted: Yes, you are, so shut your meat hole for a second, and listen to me.

John: Huh?

Ted: Meat hole, huh, wait, that's not right, is it? No, pudding hole is that what they say? No, it can't be right either, because

[impersonating Roger Waters]

Ted: you can't have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat!

[chuckles]

Ted: Pink Floyd.

[John rushes to Ted's apartment]

Ted: Johnny, thank Christ you made it.

John: Dude, I got 10 minutes. Where's Flash Gordon?

Ted: Okay, get ready. Hey Sam, this is the guy I was telling you about.

['Flash's Theme' plays as John sees Sam Jones turn around and walk toward him. He then imagines a scene from 'Flash Gordon' where they both ride a rocket cycle in the skies of Mongo]

Sam J. Jones: How you doing?

[Offers bro fist]

Sam J. Jones: Good to meet you.

John: [Does bro fist with Sam] I thank you for saving every one of us.

Sam J. Jones: You're welcome.

Ted: He acknowledged it!

Sam J. Jones: Let's do some shots.

John: With you?

Ted: Oh my God.

John: Yes! Oh my God, yes!

Ted: Totally, yes!

Sam J. Jones: Let's go!

Ted: Let's just find a better place to get stoned.

Ted: Your co-worker was making out with that Van Wilder look-alike.

Donny: Are you out here all alone?

Ted: Uh, no, no I'm not. Uh, you're never alone, when you're with Christ, so no, I'm not alone.

Ted: No, see trust me I can do this.

Guy #1: Shut up.

Guy #2: Let him try it, man.

Guy #1: All right. Okay.

[Puts his hand on the table with fingers spread out. Ted picks up a knife and starts stabbing the table between Guy #1's fingers as the crowd cheers. Ted stabs faster until he accidentally stabs Guy #1's hand. Crowd gasps as Guy #1 grabs his hand and crashes into the TV stand]

Ted: What?

Guy #1: [Holding his hand where blood is oozing out of the wound] Son of a bitch!

Ted: Well you never should have trusted me. I'm on drugs.

Ted: [Regarding him split in half] God... I look like the robot from Aliens.

Ted: [blocking Donny's view] Let's see how well you know these streets.

Ted: You know, you are acting like a cock.

Ted: Benjamin, what do I have in my hand?

Trudy: A quarter.

Ted: Now, Grandma doesn't let me eat ice cream because of my diabetes.

Trudy: True.

Ted: But she says nothing about a tasty quarter.

[bites off half of it]

Ted: Alright, please, very quickly, count to 3, it tastes terrible. One...

Ted, Trudy, Ben at 7-Years-Old, Donna Newman: Two, three.

[Ted spits the quarter back into one piece]

Trudy: Ahh!

Ben at 7-Years-Old: Are you shitting me?

Trudy: First he's eating like his father and now you're talking like him?

Donna Newman: Ben!

Trudy: Don't you EVER say that again!

Ben at 7-Years-Old: Sorry, Grandma.

Samantha Newman - Age 5: HOW did you do that, Grandpa?

Ted: A good magician NEVER reveals his secrets, your daddy's been wanting to know how I did it since he was your age.

[Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives]

Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow...

Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail.

Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...

Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it!

Ted: [arrives] Surprise!

Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, grandpa!

Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God...

Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome?

[to Michael]

Ted: So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought: "What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out.

Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't.

Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.

Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that.

Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down.

Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please.

Ted: Don't give me that finger.

[after seeing he's son keeps busy]

Ted: I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.

Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man?

Ted: I'll tell you the secret.

Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad.

Ted: Don't you wanna know...?

Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?

Ted: [voice braking] You've always known...

Michael Newman: [Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic.

Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son.

Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you.

[Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Granpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him]

Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad.

[kisses him in the cheek]

Michael Newman: I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye.

Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.

Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller.

Ted: [laughing] It looked like a little Tic Tac.

Michael Newman: Yeah, come here. I'll freshen your breath.

Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!

Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often...

Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!

Trudy: [Michael rewinds to his family's camping trip at Lake Winnipesaukee in the 70s] Uh uh uh, no cupcakes yet!

Michael at 10 Years Old: But I'm starving!

Ted: I know exactly how you feel, Michael, I'm so hungry, I could eat this quarter!

Michael Newman: Ah, so THIS is where the quarter trick started.

Morty: [watches Ted bite the quarter in half and then spit it whole again, amazed] How did he do that?

Michael Newman: It's a trick coin you buy in a magic shop, I just couldn't ever let him know I knew that.

Ted: What's this about a twin?

Todd: Oh, Jack. He has a twin sister.

Ted: Are you kidding me? You never told me you had a twin sister.

Jack Sadelstein: No, no, I mean, she's...

Ted: Identical or fraternal?

Todd: Nocturnal, like a bat.

[Ted sees a bowling ball embedded in his computer monitor]

Ted: What? Oh, wait a second. They said the Commodore would stand up to anything!

Ted: [On the phone] Dr. Tuchman, please.

[waits]

Ted: Barbara? Ted here. Listen, uh, I need a really big favor. I want you to cover my shift at the hospital tomorrow. I'm going to Vegas!

[laughs]

Ted: Well, I'm gonna lose a little money, take in a show, and get married.

[waits]

Ted: Barbara, Barbara, look, jus, just because I'm getting married doesn't mean we can't date, alright! What?

[looks at the phone]

Ted: I don't know, I'm just not that turned on by her lately.

Body Factory Attendant: I hear oysters are good for potency.

Dr. Rick: Yeah, I tried that once, but they kept slipping off.

Ted: If I was any more potent, I'd kill somebody.

[Doug and Bob are hooked up to a polygraph lie detector]

Ted: What have you done with the disk?

Doug McKenzie: What are you looking at me for? I don't got it.

[Ted looks at the polygraph which doesn't show anything off]

Bob McKenzie: Maybe it's out of gas, eh?

[Doug then passes gas in a loud flatulence noise]

Bob McKenzie: Uh, man! You farted!

Doug McKenzie: It wasn't me, it was the chair!

Bob McKenzie: He's lying!

[now the polograph begins showing activity]

Ted: He's definitely lying all right.

Ted: We'll have to put in more hours. This isn't just a nine-to-five job. There is a saying where I worked last. "If you don't come in on Saturday, don't bother coming in on Sunday."

Ted: Hey Kinney, I know you think you're hot shit. I'm not falling for this whole go-go attitude. I see through you, my friend.

Ted: Howard, they say it might get icy later. You might wanna wrap some chains around those tires.

Howard Langston: [muttered to him softly as he drives backwards] Maybe I should wrap some chains around you.

Ted: What?

[Howard is trying to reach his wife on the phone, but Ted is over and answers]

Howard Langston: Can I talk to my wife?

Ted: I think she is in the shower, Howard.

[with a fresh attitude]

Ted: Do you want me to go check?

Howard Langston: NO!

Ted: [in a humiliated state, arriving after Turbo Man reveals himself as Howard] What's going on?

Johnny: Look, Jamie's dad is Turbo Man.

Ted: [appalled, then takes Johnny away] Let's get outta here!

Johnny: But Dad, you smell like barf!

Ted: [when an attempt to flirt with Liz ends with her hitting him over the face with a jug of eggnog causing it to splatter him] Well... that didn't exactly go as well as I'd hoped.

Tom: I'll have a decaf coffee.

Trudi: I'll have a decaf espresso.

Morris Frost: I'll have a double decaf cappuccino.

Ted: Give me decaffeinated coffee ice cream.

Harris: I'll have a half double decaffeinated half-caf, with a twist of lemon.

Trudi: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Tom: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Morris Frost: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Cynthia: I'll have a twist of lemon.

Ted: When did you ever notice anything, Wendy? On the rare case when you look up from your book or your fucking computer, you look right through me like I'm a ghost.

Wendy: Well, I'm looking through you now and you are a prick.

Wendy: Come on in...

Ted: You look fine.

Wendy: Therefore I am.

Larry Lipton: This guy gets his jollies from licking the back of postage stamps.

Ted: I can see that, depending on who's on the stamp.

Ted: I want to celebrate. You want to go see what Larry and Carol are doing?

Marcia Fox: I think they want to be alone.

Ted: Oh, right. Well, uh, what about you? Do you have plans?

Marcia Fox: You're taking me to dinner, right?

Ted: Right, absolutely! Only we can't sleep together, not tonight.

Marcia Fox: Why not?

Ted: Well, because I already slept with Helen Moss once today, and I'm not young and active like I used to be.

Marcia Fox: You'll do anything to catch a murderer, won't you?

Ted: Mmm-hmm.

Ted: Can I ask what you're having?

Shirin: The cheapest red they had.

Ted: How is it?

Shirin: Alcoholic. With an oaky finish.

Ted: Sounds good.

Shirin: Sorry, I'm not well versed in wine talk.

Ted: Oaky finish was a nice touch.

Ted: Your wife is at peace, Mr. James. A quick and merciful death. I don't suppose she ever knew what hit her.

James Leamington: Something hit her?

James Leamington: [talking about Georgy] I never see her these days. Doesn't it worry you sometimes, the danger she runs?

Ted: Danger?

James Leamington: The people she mixes with. She's not more than a child.

Ted: She's as tough as old boots! Do you know when she was eight, she could crack a walnut with her fist?

Fred: Maybe you can clarify something for me. Since I've been, you know, waiting for the fleet to show up, I've read a lot, and...

Ted: Really?

Fred: And one of the things that keeps popping up is this about "subtext." Plays, novels, songs - they all have a "subtext," which I take to mean a hidden message or import of some kind. So subtext we know. But what do you call the message or meaning that's right there on the surface, completely open and obvious? They never talk about that. What do you call what's above the subtext?

Ted: The text.

Fred: OK, that's right, but they never talk about that.

Fred: You think wedding vows are going to change everything? God, your naivete is astounding! Didn't you see "The Graduate"?

Ted: You can remember "The Graduate"?

Fred: Yeah, I can remember a few things. Apparently you don't. The end? Katharine Ross has just married this really cool guy - tall, blond, incredibly popular, the make-out king of his fraternity in Berkeley - when this obnoxious Dustin Hoffman character shows up at the back of the church, acting like a total asshole. "Elaine! Elaine!" Does Katharine Ross tell Dustin Hoffman, "Get lost, creep. I'm a married woman"? No. She runs off with him - on a bus. That is the reality.

Ted: Spanish girls tend to be really promiscuous.

Fred: You're such a prig.

Ted: No, I wasn't using "promiscuous" pejoratively. It's just a fact. They have completely different attitudes toward sex.

Fred: Well, I wasn't using "prig" pejoratively.

Ted: Here in Barcelona, everything was swept aside. The world was turned upside down and stayed there.

Fred: Has it ever occurred to you that maybe the world was upside down before, and now it's right side up?

Ted: Maybe you'd like an analogy. Well, take... take these ants. In the U.S. view, a small group, or cadre, of fierce red ants have taken power and are oppressing the black ant majority. Now the stated U.S. policy is to aid those black ants opposing the red ants in hopes of restoring democracy, and to impede the red ants from assisting their red ant comrades in neighboring ant colonies.

Ramon: That is clearly the most disgusting description of U.S. policy I have ever heard. The Third World is just a lot of ants to you.

Jurgen: Those are people dying, not ants.

Ted: No, I... I don't think you understand. I was reducing everything to ant scale, the... the U.S. included. An ant White House, an ant CIA, an ant Congress, an ant Pentagon...

Ramon: Secret ant landing strips, illegally established on foreign soil.

Fred: Where are the red ants?

Ted: [pointing to an ant hill] There.

[Fred crushes the ants]

Ted: You see, that's one of the great things about getting involved with someone from another country. You can't take it personally. What's really terrific is that when we act in ways which might objectively seem asshole-ish or, or, incredibly annoying, they don't get upset at all. They don't take it personally. They just assume it's some national characteristic.

Ted: You're very perceptive.

Montserrat: What?

Ted: You're very perceptive.

Montserrat: What?

Ted: You are very perceptive.

Montserrat: Oh. Thank you.

Ted: I don't really like perceptive. It's not that kind.

Fred: Are you sure you don't want to go?

Ted: No.

Fred: Good.

Ted: Who am I?

Fred: The kid with the kayak, but older and fatter, leave me alone!

Ted: This is amazing, he is going to have a complete recovery!

Ted: [seeing the 7-10 split Tyler has to spare] Whoa snake eyes! Someone's fucked without spit!

Ted: Looks to me if the kid makes this spare, he could take you. Ten bucks says the kid makes the impossible shot and kicks your ass!

Roger: You remember Tyler?

Ted: Yeah, I lost ten bucks on the kid. So, what are ya, babysitting?

Roger: Tyler and I are together, so just watch the fucking attitude!

[William helps Ted back up after falling out of his wheelchair]

William: You're dead weight.

Ted: Yeah, well, I'm not dead yet.

Lucy: I'm her only family, you know. She needs to know that she can depend on me right now. It's complicated.

Ted: As complicated as it might be, we can't ignore the fact that her behavior is fucking insane.

Ted: [as Martha skinny dips] That's an interesting choice of swimwear.

Ted: You sit there, lecturing about our lives and so far, I have not witnessed one sign that you have any values of your own.

Ted: I always knew you were a jerk, but, shit, this is the first time in my life I've been ashamed of you.

Mrs. Jordan: How dare you use that language. I think you'd better apologize right now.

Ted: I'm sorry Mom, you made a fucking asshole out of yourself in front of the woman I love!

Rose: I didn't say it to impress you.

Ted: That's why it did.

Ted: You know, when you're young, you have moments of such happiness, you think you're living in someplace magical, like Atlantis must have been. Then we grow up, and our hearts break in two.

Ted: It will be the kiss by which all others in your life will be judged... and found wanting.

Ted: I wouldn't have missed a single minute of it, Bobby. Not for the whole world.

Bobby: Ted, "my father never bought a drunk a drink". What does that mean exactly?

Ted: It means he was a good man, he was honest, and he never added to the troubles of the world. Okay? Good night.

Ted: We're all just passing through, kiddo. Just passing through, that's all.

Carol: You're a strange person.

Ted: SHH! Tell no one.

Ted: Kids always think farts are funny.

Ted: We're all time's captives, hostages to eternity.

Bobby: Ben Jonson?

Ted: No, Boris Pasternak. He was a Russian of no account, I think.

[after Trey has crashed his car]

Ted: This is very unfortunate.

Trey Tobelseted: You know, it's obvious the smiling pumpkins distracted me.

Ted: You know how they always say the grass is greener on the other side? Well, that's the other side.

Sandra: Oh, my God, they're towing us!

Jeff: Oh, shit. Ted, I'll call you back!

[hangs up the phone while he and Sandra try to flag down the truck]

Jeff: Hey! This is my truck! This is my truck! Asshole! This is my truck!

[they chase the truck around the bend and hear laughter which causes them to stop]

Ted: [laughing] Welcome to God's country!

Paul: Ginny, put your car on the lot, okay? This place is starting to look like a Burger King. Um, where was I?

Ted: You were about to give your "Let's keep our shit together" speech.

Jimmy: [shows Tina's panties] Why don't you run this through your computer, Teddy Bear?

Ted: Hey, congratulations, Jimbo.

Jimmy: Ted. I think... I think when we get to town I should call Betty.

Ted: Jimbo, calling Betty is definitely a dead fuck thing to do. Look, first rule of love: never get rejected by the same girl twice. I mean, that's useless. If you want to make a fool out of yourself, always do it with someone new.

Jimmy: I don't know anyone new.

Ted: Well, sex is a great way to meet them.

Ted: You broke up with "BJ" Betty?

Jimmy: So to speak. And would you lay off her? She's all right!

Ted: I'll say she's all right. That girl wanted to be treated right! You should have treated her *right*!

Jimmy: I did! I treated her right! I treated her right, that's what's driving me so crazy. I mean, first she would tell me to call because she had something else she needed to do. Then she wouldn't even take my calls! I mean, can you figure that? What the fuck happened?

Ted: Let me put it into the ol' computer.

Jimmy: No, Ted, I'm serious.

Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie. Let's see...

[imitates using a computer, pauses, then smiles]

Jimmy: What?

Ted: It says... it says you're a dead fuck.

Jimmy: What? A dead fuck?

Ted: A lousy lay, you know...

[limps his wrist]

Ted: A limp dick.

Jimmy: Oh! Don't hold back on me, doc, give it to me straight!

Ted: I did not say it; the computer did!

Jimmy: Yeah, well, there is no computer!

Ted: Aha! And there's no Betty, either.

Jimmy: And I'm a dead fuck?

Ted: Like I said, the computer don't lie.

Jimmy: [sighs] God, I'm horny...

[repeated line]

Ted: Dead fuck.

Ted: And Jimbo, don't be such a dead fuck.

Jimmy: I told you... I told you that I didn't like that.

Ted: Let me put this into the ol' computer.

Jimmy: Ted, I'm serious about this.

Ted: Hey, the computer don't lie.

Ted: [to hitchhiker] Hey, honey, you got a sister? Ruff, ruff!

[after meeting twins Tina and Terri]

Ted: [to Jimmy] Two of 'em. Two. Count 'em. One, two.

Christmas Daughter: [after Zach brutally bullies Dylan and leaves him with a bloody nose] You don't deserve that.

Peter: You should do something about him.

Ted: And your father.

Ashley: And your mother!

Dylan Collins: [horrified at his imaginary friends' vengeful words] My mother didn't do anything!

Milo: [smiling, almost sadly] ... Exactly.

[walks away]

Ted: I asked you to wait... I begged you... I won't forget!

Ted: Maybe I should take a walk around the block.

Amy: Yes, that'd be good.

Mort: Aw heck, Ted, live a little - make it two. Rubbernecker.

Ted: You and I are going to have a little talk.

Mort: Oh, I'm in trouble.

Mort: [on the street after the house insurance meeting] You're a dick!

Ted: Do you feel better now?

Mort: Yes, I do.