Taj Quotes in Van Wilder (2002)


Taj Quotes:

  • Van Wilder: All you need is scented candles, massage oil, and Barry White. Write that down. Look at me. No cock pump.

    Taj: No cock pump. Barry White.

  • Taj: I would like very much to spend my remaining days here as your assistant.

    Van Wilder: Okay, we're just going do a little word association. Say the first thing that comes to your mind. Milk.

    Taj: Tit! Oh, mommy. Most Indians would say "cow" because they are sacred, but I hear "milk," I think giant jugs. You see, I cannot go home a virgin. I came here to study the great American art of muff diving. To smack clam, munch rug, dine at just one American pink taco stand! You know, I wanted to, how is it, park the porpoise. You know? I want to take it through the car wash, baby. And get it waxed. I want to wax it. Wax it! You know, and air dry. Air dry that shit, yeah! And I would like to be your assistant very much, Mr. Van Wilder.

  • Taj: [Jumps up] WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?

    Hutch: In your room a few days ago. I'm trying to spark this bong, but the damn thing won't light.

    Taj: That's no bong... It's for my shlong.

    [Hutch starts coughing and gagging]

    Hutch: Hold up, I just put my mouth on your cock-pump?

    [Taj nods his head]

    Hutch: Oh damn!

  • Taj: Is that all you people think about? Now, I admit I applied for this job because I wanted to cut loose and shake my rump, but I do not believe that this dilemma can be solved by partying.

  • Taj: You have shown me a live I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed.

  • [Stripper farts, blowing white powder over Van, Hutch and Taj. There is a pause before Van whoops and claps in applause]

    Van Wilder: Taj, your first blow job!

    Taj: In my country, a woman's mastery of her gastronomical releases is considered the ultimate aphrodisiac!

  • Van Wilder: I'm sorry, Taj. I'm gonna have to let you go. I don't have the resources to pay for your services anymore.

    Taj: A good soldier does not leave his commander just because he lies wounded, arms torn off at the sockets, intestines spilling out onto the mud, picked at by the birds. I will stay on at no charge.

  • Taj: Doesn't she have a boyfriend?

    Van Wilder: Details. Only details.

  • Taj: We are truly up the Ganga river without a bamboo oar.

  • Pipp Everett, the Earl of Grey: Let's settle this the way my ancestors did!

    [Reaches for the swords hanging on the wall]

    Taj: You want to exploit me economically?

  • Taj: As Mr. Van Wilder would say, "If you can't join them, beat them".

  • Taj: verticle smile, scrambled eggs between the legs, sunny side up on the way to the butt

  • Woman on Plane: Excuse me, is that Madamendira Bombay Hot Sauce?

    Taj: No way, you know it?

    Woman on Plane: I have this... thing for spices.

    Taj: You have a TING?

  • Gethin: Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house.

    Sadie: Alright me ol' mucker, have a shake then I ain't got the clap or nothing.

    Gethin: She means Handshake.

    Taj: Of course, of course, Hi.

    Gethin: Sadie is a cockney. It takes time to understand her words, they fit in her mouth funny.

    Taj: Lucky words. You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?

    Sadie: Yeah, It's alright. Blokes here are a bit stuffy here though. I mean I never thought it would be so hard finding someone worth slapping the ol' panhandle. You know, giving a blowjob. Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one. Sliding it in, and out, in, and out, in, and out, in, and out. Milking it like a cow until it explodes in the back of your mouth.

    Taj: Wow, I must have an amazing ear for dialects. I understood everything she said perfectly!

  • Taj: A surprise in the woods? Well, can you give me a second? Let me go repack my wallet real quick.

  • Seamus: [offering Taj liquor] I'm sorry I lumped you in the face, mate. Fancy a sneaky quick one?

    Taj: No, no, no. I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day. Thank you, Seamus.

  • Taj: Simon?

    Simon: I have... I have a problem.

    Taj: [to the other guys] Oh, my God, he's talking. Well, Simon, whatever you problem is, we're your friends, you can tell us.

    Simon: Well, you wee, it's to do with the size of my piddler.

    Taj: Your... Oh. Well, you know, it's an understood fact that a man's piddler is... Appears smaller to himself than it is in real life.

    Simon: Well, you see, that's what I'm afraid of. 'Cause according to me it has some 11 inches.

    Taj: Come again? Figuratively.

  • Judd Austin: You stay here and I'll head over to that college.

    Taj: Oh great! I gotta stay here and you get to go to the girls' school.

    Judd Austin: One of the advantages of a Harvard degree.

    Taj: Ka ka era!

    Judd Austin: Which in our language means?

    Taj: Here comes the bullshit!

  • Judd Austin: Don't you ever take your job seriously?

    Taj: Come on, Judd. If we did that we'd end up in the funny farm!

    Judd Austin: [they arrive at the car and get inside] Duck ponds, bucket, now a fish tank.


    Judd Austin: 'The hell are you eating?

    Taj: A sandwich. Want some?

    Judd Austin: [after a moment's pause] Yeah, give me some.

    [Taj hands him half the sandwich and he takes a bite out of it]

    Judd Austin: What kind is it?

    Taj: Tuna fish.

    [disgusted, Judd hands the sandwich back to him, as Taj roars with laughter]

  • Taj: You said you could destroy the tank in one shot!

    Moustafa: Maybe it was not the will of Allah.

    Taj: Maybe you are just a bad shot!

  • Taj: I will not fight alongside scavengers who pick gold from the teeth of dead Russians!

  • Taj: [in Pashtun, to Koverchenko] Eat.

    Sherina: [in Pashtun, to Koverchenko] Choke.

  • Taj: Allah, why have you forsaken us?

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